All language subtitles for the_two_ronnies_s01e08

Good evening, and it's nice to be back
with you for the last show of the

series, isn't it, Ron? Yes, it is very
nice indeed.

Well, it's not nice that it's the last
one of the series, but it's very nice to

be back with you for it.

And as it's the last show, we've got
some special items for you. We've got

mass pipes of the National Federation of
Tobacconists.

And we'll be talking to Herbert Nudge, a
retired goldfish breeder, who's been

appointed head of a committee to solve
the pollution problem in the English

Channel, and he's told reporters that
his first job will be to see that the

waters change three times a week.

And now the news.

A man who blindfolds policemen and
steals their spectacles struck again in

Putney tonight.

Police are groping for a tall man in a
grey raincoat.

And the world's greatest jigsaw puzzle
designer was divorced today after his

wife had found he was keeping a piece on
the side.

Thieves broke into a warehouse today and
stole a lorry containing 14 tonnes of

butter and eggs.

The lorry later collided with a milk
float on the A24.

Police are now looking for two men
driving a 40 -foot omelette.

And now, now the weather.

Here are today's temperature recordings.

Birmingham, 78.

London, 72.

Manchester, 75.

Liverpool, 80.

And Liverpool go on to meet Birmingham
in the final.

Mr Heath today announced the currency
changes that will go into effect when

Britain joins the Common Market.

The pound and the prank will join forces
and become the prank.

The lira will join forces with the mark
and become the lark.

The gilder will join the fennig and
become the filder. There'll be ten

the lark, three larks in the park, six
filders to the milder, five squarks to

the splark and three coins to the
pundit.

And finally...

Some bad news for Mr. Pompidou.

Mrs. Pompidou don't.

Morning.

Can I give you a second?

Aye.

Well, what's your trouble?

Well, Doctor, it's just that I keep
feeling faint.

What do you mean, faint?

Dizzy, do you mean?

No, not really, you know, just faint. I
just feel sort of very faint at times.

All the time, is it?

No, no.

I go all faint for a minute and then I'm
all right again.

Any other symptoms?

Well, I'm getting thinner. My wife says
I'm wasting away.

And my mind keeps going blank. I'm not
here half the time.

Not much for me to go on, is it?

Well, it's a little bit difficult to
describe, really.

Also, I get this floating feeling.

Oh, really?

Just as if I was floating.

Well, the trouble with you is you worry
about yourself too much.

Either that or you don't like work.

My advice to you is to snap out of it,
pull yourself together and come down to

earth.

A lot of your sort come in here, you
know.

hoping for a few days off.

I know the type.

I can see right through them.

So I'd be very much obliged if you'd
just push off and stop wasting my time.

Oh, well, if that's the way you feel
about it, I'm very happy to hear it. Oh,

good day.

Ah, Angela, I'm making a note on Mr
Mill's file. I don't want him in here

wasting my time every week. So if he
comes in here saying he feels faint...

him out. He's no more faint than I am.

Where are those paperclips?

Oh, they're here in the drawer.

Oh, and that's another thing. The
bromide you gave me last week doesn't

either.

You're gonna make it.

You're gonna make it.

Remember me as the sunny day that you
weren't there

along the way.

Day, night, fire, you will.

And my faith, the moment after, denied
by

you.

I want to talk to you tonight about
statistics.

Or, to put it another way, statistics
tonight to talk to you about I want.

A recent survey conducted in Bolton has
proved conclusively that ten out of ten

people who live in Bolton live in
Bolton.

Although three out of ten people who
live in Bolton think they live in

Birmingham. On further questioning, five
out of ten people who agreed with us

agreed with us that they agreed with us.

Of the remaining five, five out of ten
remained out of the ten from which the

five out of ten who agreed with us that
they agreed with us remained.

Or, to put it another way, my dog eats
meat.

I eat meat, therefore I eat my dog, and
quite the wish as he was.

The mind accepts the logical trap. The
logical trap accepts the mind, except

logical mind is such a trap.

What does it all mean? Well, six out of
six people, or to put it another way,

seven out of seven, or to really
simplify it, one in every one.

And another thing. It takes four hours
to get to Luton by elephant, and only 20

minutes by train. There's no question
the train is faster. But the elephant's

got a restaurant car.

Or, to put it another way, seven out of
ten people believe that margarine

contains more butter than butter.

Four out of every two people choose
advertising.

Commercials show that nine out of ten
people in white coats are actors, and

three out of four actors choose work.

Or, to put it another way, 28 % of the
population do the pool, and 72 % of the

population own dogs. This means that 100
% of the population own dogs that do

pools.

Out of 100 football fans, 53 % prefer
home wins, 31 % prefer away wins, and 16

prefer draws.

And 98 % prefer no draws.

people with no drawers shouldn't live in
glass houses.

Or throw stones at dogs when they're
doing their pools.

But what does it all mean?

What does it all mean? Well, three out
of ten people think it's rubbish, four

out of ten agreed, two out of ten said
no, and one in ten disagreed. And that

one in ten is homosexual, so who cares
what she thinks of the stupid old queen?

And what do I think? Well, 35 % of me
thinks I'm mad, two out of five of me

disagrees, and nine out of 17 leaves
eight. Take away the number you first

thought of, multiply the date by the
queen's birthday, and what you're left

invariably figure nine.

3 -9 -27 or 9 -9 -9, dial 9 -9 -9 and
call me an ambulance.

Three out of ten ambulances are engaged,
two out of three of them are married.

Six out of seven of them are on their
way to the loony bin, and nine out of

of them are full of statistics.

Ninety -nine times out of a hundred,
this sketch ends with two men in white

suits carrying me off, and tonight is
very good.

I'm sure you will recall, dear reader,
how in the last chapter I spoke of my

entry into the world of the silver
screen.

My first assignment was with the great
film star, Donald Fairchild, Jr.

Who, although small in stature, had, I
was told, an enormous attention.

I certainly looked up to him.

Almost immediately I had been given a
somewhat difficult role, which through

inexperience I had bungled hopelessly.

But fear not, gentle reader, I did not
perish.

My dress caught on a tree.

Is that you, Henrietta?

Of course it is. I recognise her
underwear. I mean, I recognise her

I heard you the first time. Well, we had
supper together the other night,

remember?

Well, don't just stand there. Cut her
down.

This will make you sleep better, Miss
Berkey.

Thank you.

The doctors insisted that I should rest.

Although, apart from lots of bumps and
bruises, I was uninjured.

Mr Goldberg was constantly at my
bedside.

And Mr. Fairchild Jr.

was also very attentive.

Henrietta, baby, how are you?

I've got bumps all over me.

Boy, you can say that again.

Hi, Sam, what's the matter? Don't they
feed you at home anymore?

I have no home. I thought you lived with
your wife. You call that living?

Listen, what got you out of bed so
early? Couldn't you keep awake?

Come on, Henrietta, I want to carry you
off of my magic chauffeur -driven

carpet. Slip into something tight and
we'll hit the town.

But, Donald, the doctor says I've got to
rest.

Just lie here and let nature take its
course.

He's been reading my mail again.

Come on, I want to show you America.

The doctor says she's got to rest.

Oh, Sam, a little of what your fancy
does you good. That's what my old mother

used to say. What did your old mother
used to say? Drop dead.

And did you?

You really are the retiring type, ain't
you? And the sooner the better.

Listen to the press boys out there. I
really can't wait to get in here.

Oh, no, Donald.

Don't worry, I'll do all the talking. He
means it, he means it.

Come on in, boys.

Hiya, Mr. Fairchild. Hello there, Mr.
Willowburg.

Oh, Miss Beckett. Okay, hold it, hold it
now, hold it. Now, listen. Miss

Beckett's just had a sedative, so she's
kind of drowsy. So take it easy, will

ya? You got five minutes. Okay.

How long have you been in pictures, Miss
Beckett?

A week. A week?

Oh, what do you think of that, boys?

A real name? No, a real name. name's
Abraham Lincoln. We changed it. It

too Jewish.

What's she like to work with, Mr.
Fairchild? Absolutely marvelous. You

words, this girl's going right to the
top. One of these days, she's going to

as big as I am. What do you mean, one of
these days? She's as big as you are

now.

Only with high heels on. Exactly. When
you ain't got your heels on, she's even

bigger.

The interview continued happily enough,
and I must say it was a great relief to

me that Donald and Sam were taking
charge of the proceedings.

For to tell the truth, I had begun to
feel more and more drowsy.

As I said, it took effect.

However, I did my best to keep awake.

Miss Beckett, would you mind telling us
when you were born?

When? Yeah, tell us when you were born.

1825.

That's ridiculous, Miss Beckett. That'll
make you about 98.

That'll make you about 98.

About 98.

About 98.

98. 98.

98.

The little room above the public bar of
the Three Crutches Inn, where I had

fallen in with thieves and pickpockets.

And where, exhausted and hungry, I
finally lay down and slept.

I lived again those terrible days in
prison.

My heart sinking in despair and in turn
leaping with joy when told that my

release had been secured.

My dear Mr and Mrs McMaster.

My debut as an actress in this
celebrated theatrical company.

And the unfortunate affair of the week.

Once again the scene changed.

I was in the Crimea with dear Captain
Featherstone and well -meaning Corporal

Clark. And I remembered how terrible the
conditions had been.

Oh, God, will I never see an end to this
accursed mud.

That's custard, sir.

More pictures floated into my mind.

I seemed to be in Paris once again.

I shivered as I remembered that misty
morning when two men's lives were at

because of me.

My brain began to whirl.

Strange images floated before my eyes.

A portrait with eyes that moved.

A coffin that walks.

A train. A train that wouldn't stop.

98.

98.

98.

98.

Almost back to normal now, Mr. Beckett.

Feeling better, Henrietta, dear?

Nothing to worry about, don't worry, my
dear. You had a little accident, that's

all. An accident?

You don't remember, do you? You were out
in the fields with Mr. Jinks, and you

fell off him.

Oh, I see.

Back to a head.

You'll be right as ninepence in no time.

Aren't you going to say hello to Mummy,
then?

Hello, Poppy.

Well,

the doctor says we can take you home
again, if you're feeling up to it.

What do you say? Tea and toast in front
of the fire in the library?

Scrumptious. Oh, is Mr. Pink's all
right? Oh, he's all right, yes. Be right

ninepence in no time. Graze one of his
hind legs, that's all.

Yes, he'll be back on his milk round on
Monday.

Well, I'll make myself scared, shall I?
While you get your dogs on. Yes, off you

go. Well, well, my dear.

You sure you can cope now? Because you
still look a little peaky to me.

Or was it a dream?

It had seemed so very vivid.

One thing was certain.

It was a great joy to realise that this
was, after all, 1971.

That the curtain had at last fallen on
all those strange and at times

adventures.

I left the hospital with an overwhelming
feeling of relief.

I was going home once more.

Home to a life of peace and obscurity.

Did you see that girl? What girl?

She's just what we're looking for for
the show.

I didn't see her.

Oh, she had some wonderful attributes.

Be precise. How many?

Two.

I am managing director of a company with
a very large export commitment.

I work for a hardware firm with a very
large annual turnover.

I work for the public health department
with a very large shovel.

I start work at 9 .30 and finish when I
have completed my day's schedule.

I start work at 9 o 'clock and finish
when the hooter goes.

I start work at 8 .30 and finish when it
gets too dark to see what I'm

shoveling.

I work in a large suite of centrally
heated air -conditioned offices in the

End. I work in a converted warehouse in
Camden Town.

I work in the fresh air, but only when
the wind's in the right direction.

Although I am managing director, I must
always be on my guard against a younger,

ambitious man usurping my position in
the organisation.

I, too, have to be on the lookout in
case anyone's after my job.

I have to tread carefully and all.

Not counting entertainment and out -of
-pocket expenses, I receive an annual

increment of £12 ,000 a year.

I receive an annual increment of £2 ,800
a year.

I don't have anything to do with
increments.

Quite the reverse.

We all serve the community in our
different ways.

But are we really conscientious enough
in our attitude to work?

I have to take a little of my work home
with me in order to relieve the pressure

on my subordinates.

I take quite a lot of work home,
otherwise I'd lose a lot of commission.

I take a load of work home in order. My
rhubarb's coming on a treat!

And into his world came a sweet young
girl.

And he took her all his bride.

He took her all his bride.

Tom, Tom, turn around. Don't ever let me
down.

Don't ever leave my life.

Tom, Tom, turn around. Don't ever let me
down. Take me for your wife.

Please take me for your wife.

Tom Tom's called away, but his wife's a
thing he'd never had to leave before.

Sweet young wife only fears for the good
life that she may see no more.

And then he heard her call.

Tom Tom, turn around, don't ever let me
down.

Don't ever leave my life.

Tom, Tom, turn around, don't ever let me
down. You can leave your wife.

No, you can leave your wife.

Tom, Tom returned, but only to learn
there was truth in the words he'd

Sweet young wife found a new kind of
life.

A strong man's heart was torn.

Will he always hear that call?

Tom, Tom, turn around.

Don't ever let me down. Don't ever leave
my life.

Tom, Tom, turn around. Don't ever let me
down.

You can't leave your wife.

No, you can't leave your wife.

Tom, Tom's alone in a world of his own
when he hears a new voice call.

Be my man. I'll do all that I can.

Is this what he's been waiting for?

Will he turn and answer her call?

Tom, Tom, turn around I'll never let you
down I'll never leave your life

Tom, Tom, turn around I'll never let you
down Take me for your

wife Please take me for your wife Tom,
Tom, turn

around

And Tom Tom turned around And Tom Tom
turned around

And Tom Tom turned around And Tom Tom
turned

around And Tom Tom turned around

This is the last program in this series,
and I must say that I'm certainly going

to miss this chair, you know.

It's so comfortable, really. You know,
most chairs I sit on, my feet don't

the ground.

Mind you, when I was a child, I was even
smaller, you know.

You don't believe me, do you? No, I was,
honestly.

I could stand up and my feet didn't
reach the ground.

If my father hadn't been so generous,
I'd have been a foot taller.

Every time he saw me, he would give me a
penny and say, there's a good boy,

there's a good boy, there's a good boy.
Then my brother came along and he was

even smaller than me.

He's probably one of the few people who
have ever been up a vacuum cleaner.

We were very lucky, though, we didn't
live in a very tough district. You know,

you must have noticed that, you know,
most comedians were brought up in tough

districts. Not me, no. Where I lived,
you could have a reign of terror with a

balloon on a stick.

Some of the kids were so soft they were
even frightened of me.

And the most daring thing I ever did, I
used to leave my bike outside a shop,

then I'd sneak up and let my tyres down.

Strangely enough, not being tall never
affected my relationship with girls.

They didn't like me anyway.

I was 24 when I first went out with my
first girlfriend.

Or when I seconded out with my first
girlfriend. When I first went out with

second girlfriend. No, when I first went
out with my girlfriend, I was 24.

Gladys Hardboard was her name.

She was thin but youthful.

We used to... We used to do our courting
in the local cemetery, you know.

Me standing on a headstone and her with
one foot in the grave.

But actually...

What I wanted to tell you about was,
after the show last week, a chap came up

me and said, I've often wondered, you
know, what you do when you're not on

television.

It was my agent, actually.

I never recognised him because I haven't
seen him since we were nuns together on

The Sound of Music.

Sonny and The Sound of Music. Oh, yeah,
that's enough.

I said to him, I see you've got out of
the habit.

He said, no, actually, I haven't. I'm on
probation at the moment.

So he said, what do you do, repeat it
again, what do you do when you're not on

TV? Well, I said, if I'm not working in
the theatre, you know, I'll take a

little holiday, which brings me rather
neatly into what I was actually, you

know, going to tell you about, the story
of an incident that happened to me last

year when I was on my holiday in Spain.

I say Spain, you know, to give the story
a bit of atmosphere and character.

Actually, I spent my summer holiday in
Arbroath.

But you've heard so many stories about
Arbroath, I thought I'd better make it

Spain. And anyway, since it's about
bullfighting, it makes a little bit more

sense if I tell it about Spain, you
know, rather than Arbroath. If I told

story about a wonderful bullfighter saw
in Arbroath, you wouldn't believe for a

minute, would you?

So anyway, I'm in Spain on my holidays.
I'm walking down the road, and I happen

to notice this little bar, you see, and
I thought I'd pop in for a little glass

of wine.

Standing there sipping. And during the
time I was in the bar, I couldn't help

noticing all around the wall of this bar
were booze heads, you know, mounted on

the wall.

They'd been stuffed.

You could tell by the surprised look on
their faces.

I said to the barman, why all the booze
heads?

He said, ah, senor, he said, ah, senor.
I think he was from Arbroath as well.

He said, ah, senor, he said, these
bulls, I kill my own hands.

Well, actually, I'm sorry, he didn't do
that. I'm sorry.

No, no, he didn't do that. These bulls,
I kill my hands. No, these bulls, yes, I

kill my hands.

Now, I don't want to malign the fellow.
You know, if he didn't do that, it's not

fair to say he did do that. No, he said,
these bulls, he said, I kill with my

own hands.

I have my own hand. He said, when I'm a
bullfighter, he said, I kill all these

bulls with my own bare hands.

He said, that bull I kill in Madrid,
that one I kill in Barcelona, that one I

kill in Toledo, that one I kill in
Sicily. I said, it's wonderful. I said,

about the big black one on the corner?
He said, sir, we no speak of that bull.

That bully killed my brother.

Oh, I said, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have
wrote stuff. I shouldn't have mentioned

it. I said, you know, I didn't think. I
said, I didn't realize. Was your brother

a bullfighter as well? He said, no.

One night he's sitting in the corner
having a drink and the bloody thing

down and hits him.

Mr. and Mrs.

Cuthbertson, please.

Oh, by the way, if any of the babies do
start to cry rather loudly, I'd be very

grateful if the mothers would simply...

Otherwise,

you won't hear a word I'm saying.

What's he saying?

I couldn't hear you if that blasted baby
cried.

Don't swear in church, George.

I didn't. Mr and Mrs Cuthbertson,
please.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Has this child been baptised or no?

No. No, no. No, it hasn't. No.

You just have to say no.

No.

Could I have a card, please?

It's here, this one.

Where is it? Where are we?

No.

It's all right, carry on.

Sorry, sorry.

Dost thou in the name of this child
renounce the devil and all...

It's not Eric.

What do you mean?

It's not Eric, dear. It's somebody
else's baby.

Don't be daft.

Don't call me daft, dear. That's a
Chinese baby.

What? It's a Chinese baby.

Don't be daft. Don't keep saying I'm
daft, dear. The baby's definitely of

Chinese origin.

Ooh.

Are you sure? I mean, perhaps he's been
crying rather a lot with little eyes as

well.

Oh, no, it's definitely a Chinese baby.

Oh, well, uh... Your wife must have
slipped up somewhere, then.

Pardon? I mean, she must have got
something the wrong way round.

Pardon?

What I mean is she must have picked up
the wrong pram or something.

Because then you must have picked up the
wrong pram or something.

Oh, dear.

Look, when was it you went down the
Chinese to get that takeaway meal?

Was that... When was that? Was that
last... Was that last Thursday?

No, it was Friday.

But Eric was in bed then.

Perhaps you forgot Eric was in bed and
you wheeled another baby home.

Don't be daft.

Then we would have had two babies
indoors, silly.

Yes, look, we'd better sort this out.
I'll just give the congregation a hymn

be going on with.

The congregation will now sing hymn
number 698, A Stranger is Among Us, So

We Heed His Cry.

OK.

What?

You haven't been two -timing me, have
you?

George. You didn't have twins, did you,
eh?

And you'd be keeping this one from me,
tucking it under the blanket from the

cot, hoping I wouldn't notice.

Oh, George, you are stupid.

I wouldn't have one Chinese and one
English baby, would I?

Well, stranger things have happened at
sea, dear.

What's the sea got to do with it? We're
in Neasden.

Well, strange things happen in Neasden
and all.

Look, the point is, what are we going to
do about it?

Do you think we ought to have it
christened?

What? Can't call a Chinese baby Eric,
can you?

Ting Chong.

What's that?

That's the name of the new laundrette,
Ting Chong Laundrette. That's Chinese.

Chinese for what?

Might be Chinese for five minutes, dear.

Can't call him Five Minutes Cuthbertson,
can we?

Very strange on a visiting card, that
would.

I don't know any more Chinese names.

I'm certainly not going to exchange our
little minds, you know, for a stranger,

don't think.

Look, have you come to any decision yet?
Because some of the babies are getting

rather wet at both ends.

Well, we feel we can't accept
responsibility for this little mite. We

continue our search for Eric. He is,
after all, the one we started with, and

do feel our loyalties, you know, in some
ways, lie towards him.

outside the church.

I put the pram by the door and then I
went down the road.

Yes, well, I don't understand a word
you're saying, but I think I get your

drift. Yes, I'm awfully sorry about
that.

Your turn will come in a minute.

I'm sorry.

Ever so sorry.

Well,

now we can start again, can't we?

Doth thou, in the name of this child,
renounce the devil?

This one appears to be a black one. Is
that all right?

That's not ours either.

Oh, really, Elsie? Honestly, I don't
know. If you like this now, what's it

to be like after we're married?

They told me when I left the jailhouse,
now try to go straight if you can.

Now I'm doing fine cause I'm on a
straight line to work before the

oh Lord, to work before the railroad
man.

Oh, I crouched all night laying track
down.

And the wind on the back made me choke.

And a pelt at the bottom had to fall out
of my life till I found that my braces

had broke. Oh, Lord, I found that my
braces had broke.

Someone stole my hammer, but I still got
on my bread.

I've changed the brain when you're
standing on your hands and driving in

rivers with your head low, low. And
driving in the rivers with your head.

There's a curving track up yonder.

I think it's a beginning over end.

I've tried going straight but it's dead
too early.

I think I'm a -goin' round the bend No,
Lord, I think I'm a -goin' round the

bend Thank

you

very much.

Thank you very much. Hi there, lovely
people.

It sure is a downright treat to be with
you again. Ain't that right, Fat Belly?

Sure is, Big Jim.

My buddy, ladies and gentlemen, Fat
Belly Jones.

Howdy, people.

How are they?

Yes, sir, it always is a privilege to be
allowed into your homes like this, and

Fat Belly here, of course, he's been in
more homes than I have, ain't you? Yeah,

that's right, Jim, yeah.

Just come out of one last week.

Are you better?

Oh, sure enough, Jim, yeah.

I ain't right, but I'm better.

Of course, you know, traveling around
the countryside as we do, you know, not

doing a regular job, you know, just
getting our food and shelter where we

well, kind of affects you, you know,
good people. Really does. A strange sort

feeling comes over you.

Pleasant, unworldly calm settles in your
soul.

And we have a name for that in the folk
world. We call it laziness.

I love being lazy.

I really work at it.

Now, we just sung you a work song, and
now we're going to sing you a love song,

because love and work, well, they're the
really two big things in people's

lives, ain't they? I mean, what else is
there? Well, there's food.

Yeah, we tried that one time, didn't we?

Fat Pelly wrote a song all about food
once. What do you call that song, Fat

Pelly? I'm in love with a big red jelly.

Never caught on, though.

No, no, it certainly didn't. Boy, that
was a lulu.

It was a lulu, yeah.

People didn't know whether to sing it,
eat it, or throw it in the fan.

Anyway, here's a song in Fat Belly. Fat
Belly here's got a new instrument.

He's just invented. Show the good people
your new instrument, Fat.

Well, there it is, Big Jim. That's it
here, see?

Yeah, there we are. Mighty Strange.

Mighty strange piece of equipment you've
got there, boy. Well, that's very sweet

of you, Jim. What do you rightly call
it? Well, I don't rightly call it

anything, Big Jim, but I suppose if I
was to call it anything, well, I guess

call it Norman.

Why, Norman?

It's my favorite name.

But that's for a man.

Oh, I like women, too, if I call Norman.

You're right. You ain't right, are you?
No.

Okay, let's hit the song. A little song
Fat Belly thought of while he was taking

a bath and it's called The Dimples in
Her Cheeks.

Oh, the dimples in her cheeks Oh, the
dimples in her cheeks And the ribbons in

her hair And the ribbons in her hair And
the rosebuds in her lips And the

rosebuds in her lips And the lacy
underwear Oh, the dimples in her cheeks

There's a girl who lives in me pretty as
a pin.

Whenever I go by her place, she always
lets me in.

She's a girl without no brain. She's
simple, so they say.

But when I take her in the woods, she
always knows the way.

Oh, the nipple's in her teeth.

And the sunburn's on her knees.

And the music in her voice.

And she drives so hard at peace, oh,
some burn on her knees.

Well, first she met me wearing pants and
pushing an old iron plow.

At first I thought she was a boy, but I
don't think so now.

Sometimes we go for buggy rides, and
other times we walk.

I'd like to ask the gal her name, but we
don't get time to talk.

Whoa, whoa. Pulled her jeans.

And the purple's on her back.

And she loves my brother Jack.

What a shame she married Jack.

What a shame she married Jack.

Here we go, the dozy dough. All John
Hansen ready to go.

Here's to the girl who's pretty and
neat. And here's to the girl with two

feet. Swing your partner round and
round, bash her in the ceiling, bang her

the ground.

Grab her by the ankles quick, swing
around until she sticks.

Now the ladies take their place,
crouching down like a sitting duck.

Grab your partner round the waist, pull
him to the ground, and the best of luck.

Ladies, turn the other way. The men
advance. Don't try to stop them. You

your arms in mock dismay. You bow to the
men, and then you drop them.

Not you, darling.

Now is the time to end our song. Hope we
ain't broke up your bones. So we'd like

to say so long.

Big Jim Johnson. Pat Belly Jones.

Well, that's all for this week and
indeed the present series.

We'd like to thank everyone who's been
on the show during the series. Yes,

especially our regular guests, Tina
Charles, New World and Madeline Smith.

And there's still some time for late
news.

After Scotland Yard had reported that
Ronald Biggs had undergone extensive

plastic surgery, Interpol tonight put
him on their list of the ten most wanted

women.

Raquel Welsh was rushed to hospital
tonight with a temperature of 105.

The doctor who examined her was rushed
out of the hospital with a temperature

160.

A man who'd swallowed five pounds worth
of pennies and halfpennies was rushed to

Southend Hospital yesterday.

Doctors say he spent a quiet night and
43 pence.

They don't expect any change tomorrow.

And at an international get -together in
London this evening, the drunken host

took a pen away from a man from
Pennsylvania, removed the wig of a man

Wigan, and the tie of a man from
Thailand.

A lady from Nicaragua left hurriedly.

And now it's goodnight from me. And it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.

Goodnight.