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The Rick and the Ruthless, brought to
you by Cricker and Cramble and the WNB
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Network, delivering truth, not fluff.
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00:01:06,660 --> 00:01:10,520
We keep you clinging to a cliff while
inspiring you during commercials to keep
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00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,020
your laundry white and those chocolate
cakes moist.
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00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:18,720
20 years of aspirational escapism from
your own damn dirty problems.
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Sorry about the mess of folding laundry
with Grandma, too. What do I owe this
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pleasure? Usually when a man...
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Propose this to his future wife.
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He does it in person.
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Oh, Derek.
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Derek. Oh, my God.
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I take it you haven't read the latest
book.
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No.
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You and me?
15
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No, didn't read it.
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We're getting married on the show.
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Really? Oh, yeah. The ratings are like,
bam.
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And Mr. B is moving on a really, really
good thing. Yeah. And so it's going to
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00:01:52,130 --> 00:01:53,710
happen. Oh, yeah.
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And guess what? What? Guess who's on the
cover?
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00:01:56,810 --> 00:01:58,770
of the New South Side digest.
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00:01:59,150 --> 00:02:01,050
No. Yeah. Yes. Oh, yes.
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Oh, yes.
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Oh,
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sorry. Yeah. Sorry. I got all your
personal space.
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Would you like to do dinner later?
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Celebrate.
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Yeah.
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Yeah. It was my, you know, my grandma
visiting and all. I can't.
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Brain check?
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Brain check.
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I see you at the altar today.
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See you at the altar?
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And don't trip, because you know a
brother keeps it fresh with the mint,
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spray, and the gum. Right now? You know
I do.
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I'll holler.
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Why am I being kept in the dark? I need
to know what's going on.
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And by the way, Billy just choked me out
after I tell him we're letting him go.
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Stop being so dramatic.
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00:02:53,630 --> 00:02:54,630
Oh, you were there.
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And you felt his hairy knuckles on your
throat.
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As it turns out, we're on the fence
about recasting Willie. And I'd watch my
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00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,560
tone if I were you. We'd still sign your
check. Would you rather we cut your
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00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:04,399
wife, huh?
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Yeah, I didn't think so.
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And for the record, we found a permanent
location for shooting.
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Where?
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You'll know soon enough.
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Not everyone will be coming, though.
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00:03:14,540 --> 00:03:15,540
Wait, wait, wait.
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I need to talk to Augustus.
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00:03:17,420 --> 00:03:19,960
Mom and Dad are on a much -needed
vacation to Jamaica.
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Now? What?
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I just told you. Beyond that, it's none
of your business.
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Oh.
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Oh.
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Cory, my man.
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Been looking for you.
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00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:37,040
Found some mice in my dry cellar. I'm
pretty sure they're having sex. What are
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00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,040
you doing?
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00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,980
I'm working on your upcoming tropical
honeymoon scene with Derek.
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Say what?
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00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:45,340
Yeah, to save money, we're going to
shoot it as if you and Derek are just in
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huge pool, just splashing around and
stuff, you know.
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00:03:48,590 --> 00:03:51,330
But don't worry, the camera's not going
to actually see the pool itself.
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You cannot be serious.
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00:03:55,090 --> 00:03:59,070
Look, I know it doesn't look like much
right now, but once I inflate this, fill
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it with water, add the beach balls and
spread out the sand, it's going to look
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00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:03,490
just like Montego Bay.
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00:04:04,150 --> 00:04:08,190
My God! I swear, the Beringers are so
cheap.
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00:04:08,430 --> 00:04:12,110
They pinch a penny so tight, it's like
you can see Lincoln on both sides.
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00:04:12,330 --> 00:04:13,710
Yeah, well... Where's Veronica?
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Veronica! Just the person I was looking
for. What?
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isn't fair what isn't fair you guys sent
allison to hawaii for her honeymoon
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season and i gotta shoot the freaking
katie pool oh allison's been our naglini
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lady for quite some time now of course
we afforded her that privilege okay but
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according to the latest poll derrick and
i are now the number one sudsy super
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couple so wow that didn't take long did
it since we're going for what you're
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00:04:38,910 --> 00:04:45,770
going from fast food to daytime diva
okay let
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me ask you something Sister to sister.
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Girl, please don't even go there with
me. I know far too much about your
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00:04:50,510 --> 00:04:53,750
backstory. My dad practically wrote it
into your first storyline, so you need
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00:04:53,750 --> 00:04:54,750
dial it back a bit.
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00:04:54,810 --> 00:04:58,110
We both know that you playing the role
of Ruby Stargazer in this show is a
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00:04:58,110 --> 00:05:02,170
lifeline. Look, honey, you're 30, you're
black, there's no roles out there.
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00:05:02,610 --> 00:05:06,430
Millions of girls would love to splash
around with Derek Taylor.
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00:05:06,850 --> 00:05:07,850
Do you get it?
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00:05:08,170 --> 00:05:09,770
Or do I need to say it in a different
language?
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00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,110
You got it. Good.
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00:05:11,370 --> 00:05:13,210
So if there's nothing else, I have work
to do.
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00:05:14,910 --> 00:05:15,910
Veronica.
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00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,040
One more thing.
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00:05:18,260 --> 00:05:22,320
What? What, what, what, what? Talk to
me. Okay, so do you know the photoshoot
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00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:23,560
Derek and I are doing in Montego Bay?
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00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:27,280
Yes, I made provisions for you to stay
at our villa in order to do some local
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00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:28,280
press at TV Jamaica.
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00:05:28,660 --> 00:05:33,580
Right. Okay, so what if we stayed a few
extra days at Secret Resort?
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00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,700
We could shoot the honeymoon scene
there.
99
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,460
That would save Richie Moose some money,
right?
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00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:40,599
I am thinking.
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I'm thinking.
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Huh, I'm still thinking.
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You know what? I like it.
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I like it a lot, actually.
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I'll talk it over with my dad.
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You happy?
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Good. Good. Come on.
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Lose some weight, huh?
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Good boy.
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Good boy.
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Okay. Nothing beats a fail, but a try.
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A win is a win.
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I could do this all day, but I'm not.
It's hard.
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Okay.
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Keep up the last one.
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Fake! Corrie!
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Mel's in
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your
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mouth. Talk to Veronica.
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about moving our honeymoon shoot to
Montego Bay.
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Isn't that great?
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Hello,
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did you hear what I just said?
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You can thank me now.
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I was hoping to relax a little bit.
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00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:04,600
You ever been there?
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00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:09,400
We're talking upscale certification,
baby. An adult escape for romance and
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00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:13,240
sensuality. Could you be serious for a
second? I'm being serious.
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00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:17,340
Veronica wants us to go do a bogo to
press, and you want us to go do some
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00:07:23,050 --> 00:07:25,810
Busted my butt to get us out of the
kiddie pool in LA.
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And all you can think about is not
having enough time to chillax in Jamaica
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kick it to the honey.
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00:07:32,090 --> 00:07:32,849
You're right.
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00:07:32,850 --> 00:07:35,410
You're right. As long as I get paid, I'm
cool. Cool. Cool. Bye.
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Okay. See, see, see. That thought right
there, Derek.
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That's the problem.
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00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:43,850
If we don't try to elevate in this
business, we're always going to be
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dispensable. I hate to wake up one
morning and someone's like, thanks, but
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00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:49,510
don't want to need your services.
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00:07:57,729 --> 00:08:00,230
Damn facelift was a waste of money.
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00:08:00,710 --> 00:08:04,290
So I walked into Jerry's room to
rehearse, and there was Calista with her
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00:08:04,290 --> 00:08:05,990
down her throat. You love that.
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00:08:06,310 --> 00:08:08,590
There's the woman who married her for
despair.
144
00:08:09,210 --> 00:08:10,790
Oh, so what? So did Kitty.
145
00:08:11,030 --> 00:08:15,730
It worked out for her. You know, poor
Maeve. You're still bitter because I got
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00:08:15,730 --> 00:08:19,070
the leaving lady wrong. That happened
years ago. Now let it go.
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00:08:19,330 --> 00:08:24,690
I'm not bitter. I'm thrilled to be alive
to see karma bite you on your double
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00:08:24,690 --> 00:08:25,690
wide ass.
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00:08:26,350 --> 00:08:30,990
How does it feel to look in your mirror
and watch it crack as it proclaims
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00:08:30,990 --> 00:08:33,669
Calista Jeffrey is the fairest one of
all?
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00:08:35,030 --> 00:08:36,990
How does it feel to wear adult diapers?
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What about me?
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Debra and I just broke up, and Calista's
already stalking him.
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00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:44,370
Well, that's why you can't trust these
Buddha women around your men.
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00:08:44,770 --> 00:08:47,890
You can't trust your men around me, and
I'm 80.
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00:08:48,230 --> 00:08:49,930
Oh, I've had just about enough of you.
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00:08:51,970 --> 00:08:54,590
You've never said that to a plate of
carbs.
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00:08:56,650 --> 00:08:57,650
Oh.
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00:08:58,510 --> 00:09:01,030
What do you want to run off, mother
-daughter thing?
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00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:05,050
Give me ten minutes, Maeve, and I'll
come to your room.
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00:09:09,890 --> 00:09:10,890
Oh.
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00:09:15,670 --> 00:09:18,910
Oh, my goodness. The vocalist...
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I was the good girl, and now Augustus
barely even writes for my badass
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00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:26,180
character. I mean, seriously, how long
does it take to get out of a coma?
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00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:30,440
I don't feel you. I mean, it is a damn
shame the way he dotes all over her at
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00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:34,780
all. I mean, you know, when I was a
child star, I used to work from the
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00:09:34,860 --> 00:09:35,860
you know.
168
00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:40,200
Anyway, if I was the second leading
lady, I would be worried.
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00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:44,100
Really? Why? Have you heard something
about me getting cut?
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00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:47,560
Well, no, but I did hear that they were
going to get cut at the race.
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00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:51,440
And who knows who or what they'll
sacrifice to make that happen.
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00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:57,420
Besides, Calista has Augustus wrapped
around her little finger. Not to mention
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00:09:57,420 --> 00:09:58,420
my other body part.
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00:09:59,420 --> 00:10:00,840
Calista and Augustus?
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00:10:01,340 --> 00:10:02,880
Ew, I just tripped my mouth.
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00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:04,360
We'll swallow.
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00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,200
Because she's getting all of our front
burner storylines.
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00:10:07,420 --> 00:10:11,600
She's getting the magazine cover. And
now they have this location in Jamaica.
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00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:16,120
What? A high -end resort called Secret.
180
00:10:17,610 --> 00:10:18,610
The irony.
181
00:10:19,030 --> 00:10:21,770
He's probably going to get a fuzzy this
year if his service is rendered.
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00:10:22,210 --> 00:10:23,210
Poor kid.
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00:10:23,230 --> 00:10:24,350
It's a damn shame.
184
00:10:26,510 --> 00:10:27,510
I have to go.
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00:10:29,150 --> 00:10:30,210
Break a leg, girl.
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00:10:31,890 --> 00:10:32,890
Break a leg.
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00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:39,540
Okay, you're right.
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00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,620
This is amazing.
189
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,960
I think I deserve a drink after.
190
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,320
I think you do.
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00:11:47,460 --> 00:11:53,540
Peace to the sweet.
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00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,420
We don't shoot our honeymoon citizens
tomorrow.
193
00:11:58,080 --> 00:11:59,160
Wanna have some fun?
194
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:02,440
What?
195
00:12:27,420 --> 00:12:28,420
Oh,
196
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,140
Allison, I'm so sorry I'm late.
197
00:12:36,780 --> 00:12:37,980
No worries, friend.
198
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,500
I had to go ahead and order something,
girlfriend.
199
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:43,760
I'm starving.
200
00:12:44,580 --> 00:12:45,580
You look amazing.
201
00:12:45,940 --> 00:12:46,940
Thank you.
202
00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:49,340
So, how was Jamaica? Tell me all about
it.
203
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,120
Fine. Yeah.
204
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:54,580
So, you've got Callista and Derek.
205
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:55,960
Why would I see them?
206
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:58,460
I mean, well, they're there doing the
photo shoot. You know, it's your villa.
207
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:00,560
Right. Oh, that.
208
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:01,960
That. Hi.
209
00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:04,440
I'll just have the mineral water.
210
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,040
No ice. I've lost my appetite.
211
00:13:07,380 --> 00:13:08,319
I'm not eating.
212
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:10,220
Sure. Can you bring some more bread to
the table?
213
00:13:10,460 --> 00:13:11,460
Thank you.
214
00:13:12,420 --> 00:13:13,420
Yeah. Well.
215
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,540
So, about that.
216
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:20,100
It'd be easy to miss those kids. You
know, our Jamaica state is sprawling.
217
00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:23,760
Well, if I was no longer in the
business, acting and all, I wouldn't
218
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:24,359
them either.
219
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,560
Besides, it's probably best you didn't
see Calista. Why's that?
220
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,100
You know, with the rumors.
221
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,320
What rumors?
222
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,100
Oh.
223
00:13:33,140 --> 00:13:34,140
Kitty, I don't want to talk. Spill it.
224
00:13:35,180 --> 00:13:39,040
Amy, she's been spreading these vicious
lies about Augustus and Calista having
225
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:39,759
an affair.
226
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:40,820
What? Mm -hmm.
227
00:13:41,340 --> 00:13:42,340
Just nasty rumors.
228
00:13:43,780 --> 00:13:44,649
You know.
229
00:13:44,650 --> 00:13:47,630
I think my friend is going to want
something a little bit stronger than
230
00:13:49,390 --> 00:13:50,730
I'm on the wagon.
231
00:13:51,450 --> 00:13:53,670
With times like this, you need a little
bit, okay?
232
00:13:54,450 --> 00:13:56,450
Could you bring her a double vodka
martini?
233
00:14:00,350 --> 00:14:06,570
Just nasty, nasty, nasty. I thought that
all of his cheating days were over, you
234
00:14:06,570 --> 00:14:10,610
know, and I looked the other way. I
looked the other way because of Veronica
235
00:14:10,610 --> 00:14:12,170
the show, but I am done.
236
00:14:12,550 --> 00:14:17,160
If he thinks I'm... If he thinks I'm
going to give him a divorce, he is
237
00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:19,300
Well, you shouldn't give him a divorce.
238
00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:21,120
I mean, don't jump to judgment.
239
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:26,660
Crush that bitch like a bug.
240
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,000
I'm so sorry.
241
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,920
Here, have mine.
242
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:42,200
I'm surprised that son of a bitch can
still get it up with his condition. What
243
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:43,200
condition?
244
00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:46,180
Minor strokes.
245
00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:47,620
A stroke?
246
00:14:48,420 --> 00:14:50,540
Well, doesn't that cause brain damage?
247
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:54,320
Clearly that's not the head my husband
is concerned about.
248
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:55,860
What are you looking at?
249
00:14:56,820 --> 00:15:01,400
So you weren't in Jamaica on vacation, I
take it? No, we were at Cedars -Sinai
250
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,160
Hospital getting a test done.
251
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,400
Oh, kitty cat.
252
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,440
What are you going to do?
253
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:13,720
Seth, you wait and see.
254
00:15:19,859 --> 00:15:21,080
Later. Another, please.
255
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,260
What do we need to talk?
256
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:26,980
What's wrong? What's wrong?
257
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,340
We're in the same pantry with Uncle Ben.
258
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:34,120
There's no privacy in here at all. And
Veronica has killed all of my love
259
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,020
with Derek. Why does everyone hate me?
260
00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,040
Not everyone hates you. Oh, really?
261
00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:43,400
Really? Really? And everyone, you are
behind on my rent and ride payment
262
00:15:43,540 --> 00:15:44,920
Randy. Stop it.
263
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:49,800
Stop it. I was... humiliated beyond life
at my Beverly Hills dermatologist.
264
00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:53,740
My annex was declined for Botox and
getting Derek's name listed off my app.
265
00:15:53,980 --> 00:15:55,100
You wanted him to.
266
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:59,860
Look, I am under the gun and Allison is
on my back. Oh. No, I think she's back
267
00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:00,659
on that.
268
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:06,220
I don't want to hear it. I don't even
know why you're still married to that ex
269
00:16:06,220 --> 00:16:09,440
-stripper. Just unfreeze my plastic
before my face falls.
270
00:16:09,740 --> 00:16:12,060
Everything is in the right place. Come
on.
271
00:16:12,660 --> 00:16:14,180
Is it true that I might get cut?
272
00:16:15,690 --> 00:16:16,850
Is the show going off the air?
273
00:16:17,250 --> 00:16:18,670
Are we going down, Randy?
274
00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:21,050
Wherever you go, I'm going to go.
275
00:16:21,670 --> 00:16:24,290
Sometimes I think there's no respect for
being a sober for a star.
276
00:16:25,470 --> 00:16:30,970
And on top of everything else, when
Tarantino's screen test got cut, they
277
00:16:30,970 --> 00:16:32,390
I'm too recognizable.
278
00:16:32,810 --> 00:16:36,510
I mean, isn't that the most asinine
excuse for being an overqualified
279
00:16:36,510 --> 00:16:37,510
what?
280
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,300
Let me let Daddy take care of some of
that pain, okay?
281
00:16:52,660 --> 00:16:55,640
Don't stop.
282
00:17:01,380 --> 00:17:05,300
And now these damn flea bites are from
Berenger's house.
283
00:17:07,940 --> 00:17:09,560
I can't believe...
284
00:17:09,770 --> 00:17:13,430
Derek and Calista are in an
international photo shoot.
285
00:17:14,290 --> 00:17:15,290
Absurd.
286
00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:17,329
I thought the show was broke.
287
00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:25,310
Next thing you know, they'll be flying
off to the Noomf Awards in Monte Carlo
288
00:17:25,310 --> 00:17:28,250
and then the Kangaroo Awards in
Australia.
289
00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:30,690
Oh, God.
290
00:17:30,930 --> 00:17:32,850
The world is changing so fast.
291
00:17:33,270 --> 00:17:34,570
I can't keep up.
292
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:38,810
Where are all the white people?
293
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:42,100
The blacks are taking over.
294
00:17:43,460 --> 00:17:44,460
I'm scared.
295
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:46,600
I'm really scared.
296
00:17:47,740 --> 00:17:51,720
I was an English and theater major at
Yale.
297
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,820
Magna cum laude.
298
00:17:55,540 --> 00:17:56,560
What happened?
299
00:17:59,180 --> 00:18:05,040
I was such a happy, talented boy with
such promise.
300
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:17,940
Tomorrow I have those insipid scenes
with that bubblehead Callista.
301
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:24,000
I'll have to navigate ad -libbed
ghettoisms. Oh, no, he didn't.
302
00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:31,980
I'll have to listen to Willie talk about
his bygone days with Ben Vereen and how
303
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:32,980
he was almost shaft.
304
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:37,900
And that face cloth hanging off of his
back.
305
00:18:41,550 --> 00:18:45,970
Just like I know the bear hunters are
trying to write me off the show, I can
306
00:18:45,970 --> 00:18:47,990
feel it like a bad hemorrhoid.
307
00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:58,670
There's a light And you can feel
308
00:18:58,670 --> 00:19:01,550
it Burning bright
309
00:19:01,550 --> 00:19:08,470
Together
310
00:19:08,470 --> 00:19:15,310
by the fire life in a private shadow
show.
311
00:19:17,850 --> 00:19:23,470
Just as long as you stay near to me, my
dear.
24191
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