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1
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My dreams are all dead and buried
Sometimes
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00:00:12,050 --> 00:00:18,950
I wish the sun would just explode When
God calls us
3
00:00:18,950 --> 00:00:25,650
back to his kingdom I'll take all you
sons of bitches when I
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00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:26,650
go
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00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:40,420
I did not hike over 1 ,800 vertical feet
inside the Earth's anus for this dick
6
00:00:40,420 --> 00:00:41,399
and dream.
7
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:45,920
Urbanites invade these mountains to
watch trees rot and pick apples like
8
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:49,740
migrants. And yet we can't lure them
into my godforsaken hole.
9
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:53,920
Maybe we're not doing enough on the
marketing front. You have an issue with
10
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:54,920
street theme?
11
00:00:58,940 --> 00:01:02,600
Spider dude, I'm pretty sure you ain't
supposed to have a tip jar out here. Who
12
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:04,019
in the hell's going to listen to you?
13
00:01:04,220 --> 00:01:06,660
I'm rotating counterclockwise like a
damn fool.
14
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:08,940
Amateur eyes. Hey, car, car.
15
00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:13,580
Visit the hole in the ground. The
gratuity is accepted.
16
00:01:15,420 --> 00:01:16,940
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing
now?
17
00:01:17,140 --> 00:01:17,999
Our guitar?
18
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,240
That's my signature move.
19
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,100
Well, this is a bass.
20
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:22,760
It's different.
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00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:28,820
So how do you propose we out
Chattanooga, Chattanooga for the
22
00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:29,820
trash dollar?
23
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,220
Well, maybe we ought to spruce up the
names of these rock formations a little
24
00:01:33,220 --> 00:01:37,840
bit. Oh, so your issue is with the crown
jewel of the granite caverns, the
25
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,700
majestic Lester's penis?
26
00:01:40,260 --> 00:01:43,760
You really want a third -grade field
trip standing next to a limestone hard
27
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:47,560
It is a family -friendly tribute to the
loins of Georgia's most beloved
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00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,460
segregationist, Lester Maddock.
29
00:01:49,930 --> 00:01:53,650
People put him too much on a pedestal.
This humanizes him.
30
00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:56,770
Lester's penis? The nomenclature stands!
31
00:01:58,210 --> 00:02:02,370
Look, my point is, we're standing inside
the fifth wonder of the world. We need
32
00:02:02,370 --> 00:02:05,270
to get out of the way or let Mother
Nature be the star. You're right, we
33
00:02:05,270 --> 00:02:08,150
gimmick. What's that there, behind you,
on the wall?
34
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:12,030
Them boogers? No, not the boogers. Next
to the boogers, they appear to be
35
00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:14,450
ancient cave drawings.
36
00:02:15,150 --> 00:02:16,610
No, no, that was just me.
37
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:20,180
It's just sidewalk chalk, though. Them
Lester's Phoenix chalk sticks we sell in
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00:02:20,180 --> 00:02:20,999
the gift shop.
39
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:27,160
Don't you see? These are primitive
glyphs from an ancient race far beyond
40
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,860
You heard me say I drew these back.
41
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:31,360
Millions of years ago?
42
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:35,220
I wasn't alive back then. Well, then,
how could you have done it?
43
00:02:35,610 --> 00:02:37,990
Come on, now. Are you actually trying to
say that these things... ...were drawn
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00:02:37,990 --> 00:02:42,390
by an ancient alien race who may someday
return to drum up tourist interest?
45
00:02:42,690 --> 00:02:47,810
That is a mind -boggling discovery that
could shape the very financial future of
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00:02:47,810 --> 00:02:50,330
this entire guano -cake -to -death trap.
47
00:02:52,090 --> 00:02:53,490
Hey, Spider -Dude.
48
00:02:53,790 --> 00:02:58,190
Ain't you supposed to be twirling down
by the off -ramp? Huh, that noise. He
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00:02:58,190 --> 00:02:59,109
ain't gonna check.
50
00:02:59,110 --> 00:03:00,430
Now switch on the picture box.
51
00:03:00,690 --> 00:03:03,350
I done thought enough for today. I need
to know what to fight tomorrow.
52
00:03:04,030 --> 00:03:08,570
Speak to me, Hannity. The advertisement
claims that the drawings unlock the
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00:03:08,570 --> 00:03:12,090
mysteries to all life on Earth. Yeah,
okay. Unlock the mysteries to that funny
54
00:03:12,090 --> 00:03:13,710
car challenge on 2. Wait a minute.
55
00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:15,350
Ain't that where you work?
56
00:03:15,590 --> 00:03:19,310
But upon closer inspection, the findings
are not so much remarkable as
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00:03:19,310 --> 00:03:24,750
ridiculous. One drawing depicts a
werewolf riding a winged dinosaur, while
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00:03:24,750 --> 00:03:28,990
scantily clad woman blasts them with
what appear to be laser breasts.
59
00:03:29,930 --> 00:03:31,230
Just like in the Bible.
60
00:03:31,530 --> 00:03:32,730
Shh! It's a missing link.
61
00:03:32,930 --> 00:03:36,330
This one shows an alien placing a crown
on the head of a cephalopod.
62
00:03:36,630 --> 00:03:38,770
A cephalopod? That looks like me.
63
00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:40,329
That's me.
64
00:03:40,330 --> 00:03:41,269
Hell, that's me.
65
00:03:41,270 --> 00:03:41,948
Wait a minute.
66
00:03:41,950 --> 00:03:45,930
Are you saying... That's right.
According to them rocks on the TV news,
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00:03:45,930 --> 00:03:47,930
are coming back to crown me Space King.
68
00:03:48,250 --> 00:03:51,890
Yeah! No, I thought you were going to
say something different.
69
00:03:52,230 --> 00:03:56,510
Some in the community question the
authenticity of the drawings. Dino what?
70
00:03:58,079 --> 00:03:59,079
What's next?
71
00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:01,760
We'll be teaching science in school?
72
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:08,760
But the proprietor of the caverns seems
to believe his new discovery could
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00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,800
provide a boon to the local tax base.
74
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:15,620
Come to Granite Caverns. Remember the
name Granite Caverns. Number one in
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00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:18,160
fun. Look for the sign -spinning spider
dude.
76
00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:22,160
But please do not offer him any
gratuity. Just park out in the lottery
77
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:26,080
and under no circumstances respond to
any of his actual advances.
78
00:04:26,810 --> 00:04:29,310
Where the hell is he? Suck on that, boss
man.
79
00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:31,070
I'm spinning from home today.
80
00:04:31,750 --> 00:04:35,690
Hot diggity damn, boy. Did you hear the
news? Your daddy's a spider dude.
81
00:04:37,450 --> 00:04:42,190
I'm sorry, but the truth must come out.
I'm talking about them cave scratchers
82
00:04:42,190 --> 00:04:44,530
saying that I is gonna be the damn space
king.
83
00:04:45,350 --> 00:04:48,290
There's something I gotta tell y 'all
about them drawings. Oh, we've seen
84
00:04:48,390 --> 00:04:51,990
They's real drawings. Yeah, they are
real drawings, but... We've seen them on
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00:04:51,990 --> 00:04:52,990
the TV news.
86
00:04:53,180 --> 00:04:55,900
I ain't gonna waste nobody's time with
mess like that. That ain't true.
87
00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:58,220
Believe everything you see and read.
88
00:04:58,580 --> 00:05:00,540
Granny, that wasn't real news. Oh, I got
some news.
89
00:05:00,820 --> 00:05:04,700
For that boss of yours, you tell old
Halen to go sit and spend on the pure
90
00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:07,640
-express. I ain't a job that ain't no
more word of patience for him.
91
00:05:07,860 --> 00:05:10,760
Because space alien's about to come down
and make me the king.
92
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:12,560
Hell yeah, baby!
93
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:13,880
Space king!
94
00:05:14,340 --> 00:05:17,480
Yeah, that's right, right. You're King
Squid from the drawing.
95
00:05:21,130 --> 00:05:25,210
Spinning inside defeats the purpose. But
I'm saying the people at the bulk
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00:05:25,210 --> 00:05:27,490
center and the bulk.
97
00:05:27,810 --> 00:05:32,290
The people already paid. They're inside.
Get back out to the drainage ditch and
98
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:35,970
spin. Oh, it's so much cooler in here.
99
00:05:36,410 --> 00:05:40,410
And tell Uncle Sam to lay off the air
base. It's driving people away.
100
00:05:41,070 --> 00:05:43,450
Oh, my God, I'm still getting a tattoo
of that.
101
00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:46,470
Check it out. I got the last youth extra
small.
102
00:05:46,790 --> 00:05:48,370
Oh, my God, that shit's totally wrong.
103
00:05:48,650 --> 00:05:49,670
Tell her it's ridiculous.
104
00:05:50,190 --> 00:05:53,010
Perfect. Now, now, please, gentlemen, we
don't allow close -up photography.
105
00:05:53,230 --> 00:05:56,670
Dude, we're shooting a documentary on
this with our phones. Would you do an
106
00:05:56,670 --> 00:05:57,970
interview? I thought I got a microphone.
107
00:06:02,750 --> 00:06:08,650
Rusty, leave these young explorers who,
on second thought, appear to be grown
108
00:06:08,650 --> 00:06:12,710
men in their 30s to revel in the
subterranean waters, okay?
109
00:06:13,130 --> 00:06:14,370
Yeah, they're reveling, all right.
110
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,300
You know what ironic means, don't you?
Yes, I'm familiar with the song, Rain on
111
00:06:18,300 --> 00:06:19,900
Your Wedding Day. Of course, I get it.
112
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,740
No, it means they're making fun of us.
What?
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00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,780
Because they know the drawings are fake.
I am the squid king. Give me back my
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00:06:24,780 --> 00:06:28,260
crown, bitch. Keep doing it. Keep
filming him. Keep filming him. Come on,
115
00:06:28,340 --> 00:06:33,060
If word gets out that these drawings are
fake, Chappanooga will have a field day
116
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,880
with this. Yeah, I think it's probably
too late for that. No.
117
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:37,600
Kill them.
118
00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:39,220
Kill them all.
119
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,000
Except the one with the wallet chain.
120
00:06:42,740 --> 00:06:43,940
He seems pretty cool.
121
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:48,740
I can't murder nobody, Mr. Hanlon.
They're people. If you ever want this
122
00:06:48,740 --> 00:06:54,300
internship to turn into a paying job,
then not one pair of skinny jeans must
123
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,340
walk out of this cave alive.
124
00:06:57,020 --> 00:07:00,920
Where doth ye lie, the dipping mustard?
Hey, Danny, I need your help with
125
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,800
something. Hold thy tongue, minion.
126
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:07,860
Proceed. Well, Mr.
127
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:12,040
Hanlon don't want the word to get out
that the drawings are... Well, the
128
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,380
drawings are... The drawings are what?
129
00:07:14,410 --> 00:07:17,050
The drawings are less than authentic.
130
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:20,310
What the hell does that word mean?
131
00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:22,990
Authentic? Speak, minion!
132
00:07:23,330 --> 00:07:24,330
All right. Wait, hold on.
133
00:07:25,410 --> 00:07:27,010
All right, now. Go ahead.
134
00:07:27,430 --> 00:07:30,990
Mr. Halen has ordered me to kill
everybody in this place. Okay.
135
00:07:31,210 --> 00:07:32,210
Wait, that ain't enough!
136
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:37,020
I am the king of space, and I done
mastered all your Earth weapons as well.
137
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,820
You, wearing that T -shirt from the band
that I like. You just pretending to
138
00:07:40,820 --> 00:07:43,980
like them, or maybe you don't like them,
and you making fun of me for liking
139
00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:48,240
them. I like them. They good as hell. I
seen them. And they still good, too.
140
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:49,520
Cool. This is a band?
141
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:54,520
And wearing that baby coat, even though
you ain't got no baby in it.
142
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:55,760
Invisible baby.
143
00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:59,140
Get it? Check it out, man. I got the
stroller and everything.
144
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:01,100
You're next.
145
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:03,360
Oh, my God.
146
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,080
It's that fake boulder.
147
00:08:05,420 --> 00:08:07,020
Watch this. I'm going to let it hit me.
148
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:10,240
Fake blood.
149
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:11,860
It's hysterical.
150
00:08:12,180 --> 00:08:16,300
Dude, dude, look at me. You're going to
be fine. As soon as I get a signal, it's
151
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:17,300
going to go on Tumblr.
152
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:22,300
Let's do this.
153
00:08:22,900 --> 00:08:24,680
I come up and sit down.
154
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:31,240
Don't worry, son.
155
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:36,140
Them aliens will come along and rescue
us. Daddy, there ain't no aliens.
156
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,520
Yeah, there is. According to the
drawings, there was.
157
00:08:38,799 --> 00:08:39,880
Aliens didn't draw this.
158
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,679
Of course they didn't, son.
159
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,980
Ancient cavemans would connections to
aliens at the one fight, don't it? No,
160
00:08:46,060 --> 00:08:47,800
Daddy. I did the drawings.
161
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,480
You've got connections to space aliens
from space?
162
00:08:51,700 --> 00:08:53,120
No, Daddy, there ain't no aliens.
163
00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:54,340
See?
164
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,020
Oh, okay.
165
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:57,360
I understand.
166
00:08:58,030 --> 00:09:01,910
You jealous as hell because you're
trying to take away my damn achievements
167
00:09:01,910 --> 00:09:06,150
I done achieved myself and working hard
as hell for it. It won't just hand it to
168
00:09:06,150 --> 00:09:08,190
me. I am the damn Space King.
169
00:09:08,890 --> 00:09:12,690
Look, I just put glitz and red hair on
it. Does that mean I'm Space King now?
170
00:09:15,050 --> 00:09:18,210
Oh, we're going to die in here, ain't
we?
171
00:09:19,530 --> 00:09:22,190
Fill that cave in your belly with wine.
172
00:09:30,380 --> 00:09:31,380
Who's getting smaller?
173
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,920
Or am I getting bigger?
174
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,700
Is this the best we can do?
175
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,000
Over there was the best you could do.
176
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,640
I can't believe you guys thought these
were my real legs.
177
00:09:44,180 --> 00:09:47,580
Look, the drawing is very explicit. It
shows us crowning.
178
00:09:47,870 --> 00:09:52,490
You don't think it's weird that we're
picking Space King based on some stupid
179
00:09:52,490 --> 00:09:56,310
cave drawing from that dumbass planet
over there? It was on television.
180
00:09:56,510 --> 00:10:00,510
Television does not waste people's time
with something that isn't true.
181
00:10:00,790 --> 00:10:05,110
Congratulations. You are our new Space
King, ma 'am. Yay!
182
00:10:06,030 --> 00:10:08,130
Finally, a woman in office.
183
00:10:08,950 --> 00:10:10,030
Wait, he's a woman?
184
00:10:14,510 --> 00:10:16,050
N -14.
185
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:21,240
Bingo month?
186
00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:25,960
I'm sorry, this is ludicrous. Is it
ludicrous? Or has she created over 12
187
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,800
million jobs in her first term? You're
not jobs, Gleam. Clorf, you know we
188
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:30,619
discuss politics.
189
00:10:30,620 --> 00:10:35,840
Is there even a J in bingo? She's our
king. Don't question the way she plays
190
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:36,840
game.
16443
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