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1
00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:07,900
My dreams are all dead and buried.
2
00:00:09,620 --> 00:00:14,500
Sometimes I wish the sun would just
explode.
3
00:00:16,219 --> 00:00:21,900
When God comes and calls me to his
kingdom,
4
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:28,620
I take all these sons of bitches when I
go.
5
00:01:05,770 --> 00:01:06,890
the old sweet guns, really.
6
00:01:07,170 --> 00:01:10,370
Ah, them pigs can't do jack squat to
you. Hell, you a minor.
7
00:01:10,590 --> 00:01:13,530
Plus, you know, you was drunk, now. But
I ain't been drinking.
8
00:01:13,750 --> 00:01:17,230
There you go. That ought to sell it.
Wait, Daddy, I don't want to go to jail.
9
00:01:17,350 --> 00:01:18,350
You think I do?
10
00:01:18,510 --> 00:01:20,570
Come on, now. Don't you love me?
11
00:01:24,730 --> 00:01:26,490
Rusty, Rusty, Rusty.
12
00:01:26,830 --> 00:01:27,830
Again, son?
13
00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:30,870
This must be the third time I pulled you
over this week.
14
00:01:31,710 --> 00:01:33,750
Boys will be boys, right?
15
00:01:34,350 --> 00:01:36,190
What have you got to say for yourself?
16
00:01:37,310 --> 00:01:38,249
You're a miner.
17
00:01:38,250 --> 00:01:42,470
I'm a miner. Y 'all pigs can't do jack
squat to me. I'm a miner. You heard him.
18
00:01:42,490 --> 00:01:44,470
He's a miner. We ain't harming nobody.
19
00:01:44,830 --> 00:01:48,990
Well, y 'all damn near took out the old
sweetgum tree. This is a historical
20
00:01:48,990 --> 00:01:53,750
landmark. General Robert E. Lee pressed
his bubblegum into this majestic oak
21
00:01:53,750 --> 00:01:56,530
right after he signed the Treaty of
Appomattox.
22
00:01:56,770 --> 00:02:01,010
The unknown soldier carved his name on
this tree before he was buried under it.
23
00:02:01,110 --> 00:02:03,470
See? Rick sucks.
24
00:02:04,330 --> 00:02:08,650
Y 'all cause any harm to this tree, and
the whole damn town's gonna be up in
25
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:10,990
arms. That's a good thing nobody was
hurt.
26
00:02:11,350 --> 00:02:12,650
Well, we'll see.
27
00:02:13,090 --> 00:02:17,770
Hold on now. I'm actually pulling y 'all
over because of this ATM machine
28
00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:21,470
attached to your bumper back here. Oh,
it's hot. It's gotten so hot.
29
00:02:22,550 --> 00:02:26,090
Well, that door come with a truck. You
know, part of the sport package.
30
00:02:27,790 --> 00:02:30,870
Nice try early, but no, it didn't.
31
00:02:31,110 --> 00:02:33,410
It's deliberately chained to your
bumper.
32
00:02:33,630 --> 00:02:38,270
Rusty, you took an ATM whilst I was
asleep in the back seat? No, I didn't do
33
00:02:38,270 --> 00:02:40,310
that, Daddy. He done it. I witnessed the
whole thing.
34
00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:42,970
Well, you just said you was asleep in
the back seat.
35
00:02:43,490 --> 00:02:45,010
I'm changing my story.
36
00:02:45,230 --> 00:02:47,790
Daddy, you ain't got to do this. Why,
Rusty? Why?
37
00:02:48,230 --> 00:02:50,390
After all I've done to you.
38
00:02:51,130 --> 00:02:52,190
Got him, didn't he?
39
00:02:52,750 --> 00:02:56,530
Y 'all remember now, you can't do just
what to me, right? Because I'm a minor?
40
00:02:56,610 --> 00:03:00,810
You keep saying that, but the boys from
Atlanta may want to try using a dog.
41
00:03:01,610 --> 00:03:02,610
It'll work out.
42
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:03,750
Take care now.
43
00:03:03,990 --> 00:03:04,990
I'll see you soon.
44
00:03:05,510 --> 00:03:07,970
And seven, with the good behavior,
maybe.
45
00:03:08,910 --> 00:03:11,970
Hey, um, when do you think I'm going to
get out of here? You're looking at some
46
00:03:11,970 --> 00:03:15,630
hard time here, Rusty. Probably going to
have to put some of them service
47
00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:17,710
industry dreams on hold for a while.
48
00:03:18,070 --> 00:03:21,110
Yeah, but Daddy's going to have a head
full of hornets if I ain't home in time
49
00:03:21,110 --> 00:03:21,839
to... What?
50
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,180
Take the rap for him again?
51
00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:25,080
Get your ass on the floor.
52
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:26,800
I dare you, ma 'am. Huh?
53
00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:31,620
He done it. I seen it. I can't believe
my only son would do that.
54
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:32,839
Do what?
55
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:34,980
Go on, hobble his damn smart -ass mouth
in.
56
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,900
I guess he finally got fed up with
himself.
57
00:03:38,220 --> 00:03:39,260
Then he assaulted himself.
58
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,400
Domestic violence is what I see.
59
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,320
I'm going to ask you one more time.
60
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,620
Who's been stealing all these ATMs,
Rusty?
61
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:49,240
Um, I plead the fourth.
62
00:03:49,790 --> 00:03:52,010
You plead the right for women to vote?
63
00:03:52,390 --> 00:03:53,430
Well, I ain't against it.
64
00:03:54,070 --> 00:03:59,010
Well, it's your right. I can't deny you.
But we know who took these ATMs, Rusty.
65
00:03:59,090 --> 00:04:02,370
It's just a matter of whether you're
going to help us or not.
66
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:05,910
Damn, E -Sharp.
67
00:04:06,170 --> 00:04:09,470
I told him I knew who did it, but I
could get in trouble for lying.
68
00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:11,510
Who do you think did it?
69
00:04:12,650 --> 00:04:14,750
You said this was going to be easy to
bust open.
70
00:04:15,530 --> 00:04:18,209
This ain't a damn thing like the
Salvation Army bucket.
71
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,060
Same basic principle.
72
00:04:20,459 --> 00:04:23,400
Just smash the guy with the bell and you
win the money.
73
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:26,820
Hello? Granny, it's me.
74
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,040
I'm in jail.
75
00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:32,480
Again. No, no, take us off your list,
thank you. Oh, Granny, I need y 'all to
76
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:33,500
come down and bail me out.
77
00:04:34,260 --> 00:04:40,320
Granny? I just heard Rusty's in jail.
Oh, I tried to be a role model.
78
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,280
Teach him how to be moral and
responsible.
79
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,820
Walk the path of the Lord Almighty.
80
00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:48,100
Where the hell...
81
00:04:49,070 --> 00:04:50,029
credit union.
82
00:04:50,030 --> 00:04:51,750
I crack that son of a bitch like an egg.
83
00:04:53,030 --> 00:04:54,610
That's that monkey king machine.
84
00:04:55,150 --> 00:04:57,910
Why do you think they had tigers on all
the coins?
85
00:04:58,310 --> 00:04:59,710
A tiger could be president.
86
00:05:00,070 --> 00:05:04,330
Hell, you don't know. Put your back into
it, you lazy good -for -nothing son of
87
00:05:04,330 --> 00:05:05,330
a whore.
88
00:05:05,390 --> 00:05:06,390
Wait a minute.
89
00:05:06,850 --> 00:05:09,510
I just said that in case you ain't my
son.
90
00:05:09,930 --> 00:05:11,870
How about you swing this hammer, old
-timer?
91
00:05:12,130 --> 00:05:13,890
I've been at this son of a bitch all
day.
92
00:05:14,150 --> 00:05:16,630
Hand it to me, ma 'am. Show you how it's
done.
93
00:05:20,490 --> 00:05:21,910
It's the heat, Tar Fox!
94
00:05:24,250 --> 00:05:26,250
Sheriff, you know you got your man.
95
00:05:26,550 --> 00:05:30,430
What are you snooping around here for?
Well, you seem awfully relaxed.
96
00:05:30,810 --> 00:05:35,370
No wonder that your only son could be
doing a long stretch in county lockup.
97
00:05:35,690 --> 00:05:36,730
Rusty's in jail?
98
00:05:37,050 --> 00:05:39,030
Oh, why, Rusty, why?
99
00:05:39,250 --> 00:05:43,650
We tried to do right by him. Maybe it
was our lack of commitment. Hell, I
100
00:05:43,650 --> 00:05:47,970
know. Oh, we always had the right idea.
It just never really felt like
101
00:05:47,970 --> 00:05:52,920
following... Being a parent is boring.
Save it, Early. We dusted the machine
102
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,860
prints. But all y 'all suckers just look
the same.
103
00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:58,840
Circles. All right, fine.
104
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:00,160
I admit it.
105
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:05,140
Rusty stole the ATMs. They ain't no use
in covering for them. I can tell you
106
00:06:05,140 --> 00:06:08,500
everything. That don't matter. He's
already been tried in the media.
107
00:06:09,130 --> 00:06:11,030
And they may be using a quote from me.
108
00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:15,190
You mean the TV looky -box made you?
Well, hell, why do you think I had my
109
00:06:15,190 --> 00:06:17,930
done? You reckon they're going to need
some B -roll of the family? They're
110
00:06:17,930 --> 00:06:21,410
probably going to need some interviews
with the people behind the monster.
111
00:06:21,630 --> 00:06:24,970
Oh, story's done, Granny. They even give
Rusty a nickname.
112
00:06:25,390 --> 00:06:28,070
Kid Squid, the ATM bandit.
113
00:06:28,770 --> 00:06:31,770
Well, what's up with all these tarps
here? Interview's over.
114
00:06:32,030 --> 00:06:36,070
His name is Russell Kyler, but the
community is calling him Kid Squid.
115
00:06:36,290 --> 00:06:37,910
This artist's sketch of the suspect.
116
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:41,780
Seems superfluous when there are all
these mug shots of the suspect.
117
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:48,980
And this video. When we informed the
sheriff that three more ATMs
118
00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:53,480
had disappeared since the apprehension
of Kid Squid, the sheriff had this to
119
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:58,740
say. I mean, my hair is kind of fine in
some places, but I keep it long on the
120
00:06:58,740 --> 00:07:01,760
side so I can kind of foof it over on
the other side.
121
00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:03,760
Nobody can tell.
122
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,000
Can you say it?
123
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:06,280
Is that...
124
00:07:06,590 --> 00:07:09,570
Is that camera on? Reporting live from
Dougal County, Doug Richards.
125
00:07:09,890 --> 00:07:12,630
Stay tuned for the very latest on the
story of Kids Quit.
126
00:07:13,330 --> 00:07:18,350
You pretend to sacrifice so much for
your kids. I forced him to take the
127
00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:22,690
for my badass crimes, and then he turns
around and steals all the credit on the
128
00:07:22,690 --> 00:07:24,050
damn TV lookity box.
129
00:07:24,490 --> 00:07:26,070
No, sir. Hell no.
130
00:07:27,890 --> 00:07:29,770
Ain't no way Rusty can claim this.
131
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,310
Hell, he's in jail. This is my crime.
132
00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:36,370
Oh, I remember when she was only a
little chaplain.
133
00:07:36,810 --> 00:07:41,970
Back then, they tried to use it to lynch
the Yankees, but it was too small, and
134
00:07:41,970 --> 00:07:44,610
them bastards would just uproot it and
run off.
135
00:07:44,930 --> 00:07:49,290
Then it got burned through the ground
there in the Battle of Atlanta, and then
136
00:07:49,290 --> 00:07:51,630
was hit by the Japs there in Pearl
Harbor.
137
00:07:53,030 --> 00:07:58,690
But we keep rebuilding this tree,
stronger than ever, because magical
138
00:07:58,690 --> 00:08:02,350
elves live inside it. That's what I've
been told. Yeah, well, we'll see.
139
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:06,570
Well, just see how much everybody loves
the old sweet gum tree when it's dead.
140
00:08:07,290 --> 00:08:08,550
Look what I done.
141
00:08:08,890 --> 00:08:10,010
Early collar, baby!
142
00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:14,850
Woo! Only a criminal mind could
mastermind the poison that is treated
143
00:08:14,850 --> 00:08:17,550
poison the way I done it, baby. Hell,
yeah. Early collar, baby!
144
00:08:18,510 --> 00:08:19,610
Outlaw early collar.
145
00:08:19,930 --> 00:08:22,330
I can't even... Oh, yeah?
146
00:08:22,630 --> 00:08:25,530
Well, you gonna go and tell your grand
youngers about the...
147
00:08:32,270 --> 00:08:33,809
I didn't get no kind of foot traffic
today.
148
00:08:34,190 --> 00:08:37,309
Couple of cars, maybe. The whole damn
day was a wash.
149
00:08:37,549 --> 00:08:39,370
Well, you got to give it time to build.
150
00:08:39,590 --> 00:08:40,909
Maybe do a podcast.
151
00:08:41,150 --> 00:08:46,890
Get your name out there. You know, like
Rusty. Rusty, Rusty. Everybody loves the
152
00:08:46,890 --> 00:08:49,890
damn Rusty. I hope his ass rots in jail.
153
00:08:50,170 --> 00:08:51,170
Rusty's in jail?
154
00:08:51,430 --> 00:08:53,770
Shut your dust hole, bitch. I got to
listen to my sound machine.
155
00:08:54,250 --> 00:08:58,670
That's right. Brock Bell here on cool AM
1680 The Heat. He's going to talk about
156
00:08:58,670 --> 00:08:59,269
my tree.
157
00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:00,570
Here it comes. Hit it.
158
00:09:02,190 --> 00:09:05,410
Squid is really chapping my hide. What
the? Talk about the tree.
159
00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:09,610
So call in, tell me what you think about
Kid Squid so I can offend you and cut
160
00:09:09,610 --> 00:09:13,390
you off before you can make your point.
I got a bunch of toilet flush and whip
161
00:09:13,390 --> 00:09:15,310
crack audio files, so let's do this.
162
00:09:15,570 --> 00:09:19,190
Oh, well, we got a bite here. Early in
Dougal County, what's chapping your
163
00:09:19,230 --> 00:09:23,310
friend? You talking about Kid Squid like
he's some big damn deal. Well, he
164
00:09:23,310 --> 00:09:26,050
ain't. I'm the one what stole them ATMs.
Me.
165
00:09:26,290 --> 00:09:30,110
All right, we got us a swagger jacker
here. Swagger jacker.
166
00:09:30,530 --> 00:09:33,060
Why don't you go ahead and... Tell me
all about your fancy crimes.
167
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:37,120
Let me tell you what I've done this
week. I go on down into Times Square and
168
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,060
poison the old sweet gum tree.
169
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:43,400
With poison? You do realize that General
Lee pressed his gum into this tree
170
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,140
before he signed the Treaty of
Appomattox? You think I care?
171
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:49,400
God give us trees so we can show how
damn superior we are to them.
172
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:50,740
I'm gonna hang up and listen.
173
00:09:51,060 --> 00:09:52,120
Early collar, baby!
174
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:53,520
Woo!
175
00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:56,920
Finally, sweet ignition for my crimes.
176
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,880
There ain't a lot I can charge you with,
Early.
177
00:09:59,530 --> 00:10:01,230
Since the tree is still alive.
178
00:10:01,530 --> 00:10:05,590
But leaves are falling all over the
place. Pretty gallers and orange and
179
00:10:06,110 --> 00:10:07,310
It's autumn early.
180
00:10:07,510 --> 00:10:08,950
That happens every year.
181
00:10:09,250 --> 00:10:14,250
Plus, you can't kill a tree by pouring
light beer on it. Alcohol poisoning. I
182
00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:17,190
mean, I was trying to binge it to death.
You know, like them frat boys done.
183
00:10:17,510 --> 00:10:21,570
Look, you're free to go. But if I was
you, I'd hang in here through the
184
00:10:21,870 --> 00:10:22,689
The weekend?
185
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,210
That's my chill -out time.
186
00:10:24,810 --> 00:10:28,000
Rusty. You think you could take the heat
for this? What are you talking about,
187
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,420
Daddy? I've been in jail all week.
188
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,820
Don't you love your poor old daddy?
189
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,600
Fine. I poisoned the tree, too. You
heard him. He confessed.
190
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:39,000
Now go ahead and release me on my own
renaissance.
191
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,140
Suit yourself.
192
00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:42,779
Kill him!
193
00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:44,260
Kill him! Kill him!
194
00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:47,160
No low contendo.
195
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,000
Guess I'm gonna have to plead the fourth
on this one.
196
00:10:50,220 --> 00:10:51,460
Get the hell off of there.
16741
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