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1
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I love you. I
2
00:00:18,260 --> 00:00:26,900
love
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you.
4
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I told you, Denny. She's Ukrainian.
5
00:00:36,830 --> 00:00:41,390
We've been dating, sort of. Over
-emailed, you know. Look, I just need to
6
00:00:41,390 --> 00:00:46,150
her a picture. I just don't know why
it's got to be of your trouser trooper.
7
00:00:46,310 --> 00:00:48,330
Well, it's part of their culture in
Ukraine.
8
00:00:48,650 --> 00:00:52,650
You send a picture of your penis, and
she shows it to her parents, and then
9
00:00:52,650 --> 00:00:53,650
bless the marriage.
10
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:57,370
Oh, my goodness.
11
00:00:57,830 --> 00:00:59,550
Three campers gone missing.
12
00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:01,580
At the head of the app trail.
13
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,700
Oh, Lord, that's near earliest place.
14
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:08,300
This campsite may be where they camped.
15
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:12,760
Well, anyway, my pants are down, Denny.
Go ahead and snap the photo.
16
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,440
One, two, three.
17
00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:19,460
Oh, my Lord.
18
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:23,000
Well, maybe you shrunk on that one. It's
cold out here. Give me just a minute.
19
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:25,260
Let me work with it. You better take a
look at this, Sheriff.
20
00:01:30,350 --> 00:01:31,350
Oh, hell.
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Delete that, Denny. We gotta get out of
here. Look at this.
22
00:01:35,110 --> 00:01:37,470
I like two stab butts.
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The emphasis is all wrong.
24
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Are you saying that Aston Kutcher circa
2006 could have done this?
25
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I'm not done.
26
00:01:47,990 --> 00:01:51,550
You think it's Ronnie Dunn from Brooks
and Dunn trying to throw us off the
27
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trail? Or maybe it's Kix Brooks letting
us know he's not Ronnie Dunn. He's his
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own man now since they've split.
29
00:01:59,530 --> 00:02:02,010
Well, I guess we'll never know. Hold up
now.
30
00:02:02,570 --> 00:02:03,690
Oh, right.
31
00:02:04,210 --> 00:02:07,170
Work. I think I know someone who can
help.
32
00:02:07,570 --> 00:02:09,830
They say she talks to the dead.
33
00:02:10,169 --> 00:02:14,030
And by they, I mean that billboard over
there.
34
00:02:16,730 --> 00:02:22,890
You now stand on the very spot of the
great avalanche of
35
00:02:22,890 --> 00:02:27,310
1872. This here off -brand...
36
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The VR machine is all that remains of
the gold prospector by the name of John
37
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Tracking.
38
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If you listen close, you can hear his
ghostly cries.
39
00:02:42,690 --> 00:02:49,590
But you will never see him because it
was decided that the bedsheets weren't
40
00:02:49,590 --> 00:02:53,190
working in the run -through. But I
already cut the hole.
41
00:02:53,410 --> 00:02:56,290
I told you, just fold it under.
42
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:01,700
give you no receipt when your shop left.
Dammit, I said the bed sheets don't
43
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work. Felt like a f***ing broken record.
All right, I've seen enough.
44
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,320
This woman can talk to the dead.
45
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:12,700
Granny, I need you to look at this
sweater and see if you get any vibes off
46
00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:13,700
it.
47
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,880
It's a little last year, but still.
48
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:24,140
Little apple cider vinegar will take
these bloodstains right out.
49
00:03:24,380 --> 00:03:27,120
You reckon this was owned by one of them
college campers what got their butts
50
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,920
cut off? He cut their butts off? Wait,
what happened now? How do you know that?
51
00:03:30,980 --> 00:03:32,240
We didn't release that information.
52
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Educated guess.
53
00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:36,460
It's what I'd do if I was a crazy killer
last night.
54
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:41,340
Well, I reckon I'll just go on back to
curing this here weird, mystified meat.
55
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,940
Early, would you mind telling us where
you were last night?
56
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,460
Just on my own property, minding my own
business.
57
00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:51,320
No, you weren't here last night. I don't
remember seeing you. Well, maybe you
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00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,740
ought not be remembering what talked
about things with your mouth, what
59
00:03:54,740 --> 00:03:56,960
not be talked about unless business
ain't your business.
60
00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,460
Business is closed for your mouth, or
I'll close it forever.
61
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:02,400
Forever?
62
00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:04,580
Forever, Early?
63
00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:08,460
I didn't really mean, you know, forever.
64
00:04:09,370 --> 00:04:13,570
I'm just going to shut her up for an
extended period. You know, a real long
65
00:04:13,570 --> 00:04:14,970
time. Not forever.
66
00:04:15,270 --> 00:04:16,329
Don't you go too far now.
67
00:04:17,250 --> 00:04:21,290
I want to try some of that jerky you
got. Oh, she was scared.
68
00:04:21,670 --> 00:04:23,310
She was scared, Sheriff.
69
00:04:23,910 --> 00:04:26,410
I'm seeing through the eyes of the
killer now.
70
00:04:26,810 --> 00:04:29,870
Oh, I feel his hunger.
71
00:04:31,450 --> 00:04:33,990
So, the killer stopped here. Yep.
72
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,670
The killer was at this boot.
73
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,480
Eating what you can eat delicious
popcorn from.
74
00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:45,280
He wanted more.
75
00:04:46,300 --> 00:04:49,740
More garlic bread buoys. More bread
buoys, waitress.
76
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:53,940
Just a crime scene. I'm not waiting 20
minutes for you to bring me my damn
77
00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:54,940
cheese flake.
78
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:57,080
Oh, yeah.
79
00:04:58,400 --> 00:04:59,400
Oh.
80
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,000
You want to kill her down there?
81
00:05:02,220 --> 00:05:03,220
I'm doing it.
82
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,100
Let's watch the black guy do it.
83
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,000
Oh, my goodness.
84
00:05:07,710 --> 00:05:09,610
I'm seeing black, all right.
85
00:05:09,830 --> 00:05:10,830
Oh, yeah.
86
00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:13,830
I am seeing black.
87
00:05:14,550 --> 00:05:16,450
All of it on black. $200.
88
00:05:16,970 --> 00:05:18,810
He was very specific.
89
00:05:19,290 --> 00:05:21,570
Granny, we can't stake you for $200.
90
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,110
Huh. Killer Jesus.
91
00:05:24,430 --> 00:05:25,850
Getting fuzzy here.
92
00:05:27,950 --> 00:05:30,990
Yeah, I'm losing them. All right.
93
00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:36,270
$200 more chips, please. Woo! I feel
like we're building a strong profile on
94
00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:41,280
this guy. Hey, honey. He seems to behave
like an elderly woman with a lot of
95
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:42,660
discretionary income.
96
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,460
Here's a five dollar tip for you.
97
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,140
Now bend over and get it.
98
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:54,060
Are you having a vision, Granny? Who did
it?
99
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,120
Early? What about early?
100
00:05:56,520 --> 00:06:02,000
Early in the morning is when the killer
did it. It was a man morning.
101
00:06:02,490 --> 00:06:03,289
Yeah. Right.
102
00:06:03,290 --> 00:06:06,710
But there were sucker prints on the
scene. Well, they had a tentacle, didn't
103
00:06:06,710 --> 00:06:07,710
they? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
104
00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:11,730
A very strange tentacle human man.
105
00:06:11,950 --> 00:06:13,350
Are you seeing the name yet?
106
00:06:13,570 --> 00:06:16,250
Uh -uh. The name was... Clank hard,
bitch.
107
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Uh, John... Long Island Ice Tea.
108
00:06:21,930 --> 00:06:26,150
Looks like you got your man, Sheriff.
Send out an APB on a John Long Island
109
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Tea. He's got one tentacle. We're gonna
get that son of a bitch before any more
110
00:06:30,250 --> 00:06:31,310
butts get cut off.
111
00:06:32,330 --> 00:06:37,150
Well, don't wait for me. I got a ticket
to see the youngest Mandrell sister in
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00:06:37,150 --> 00:06:38,150
the magic zone.
113
00:06:38,410 --> 00:06:39,410
Time to go!
114
00:06:40,930 --> 00:06:46,830
Certainly things like that John Long
Allen ass tease on a rampage, ain't he?
115
00:06:47,830 --> 00:06:48,990
I said, ain't he?
116
00:06:49,270 --> 00:06:53,430
You know, he might be done. I mean,
people change.
117
00:06:54,730 --> 00:06:57,330
That was probably just a one -time do.
118
00:06:57,970 --> 00:06:59,550
One time we know of.
119
00:06:59,830 --> 00:07:01,650
If he stops right now.
120
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,300
He won't get caught.
121
00:07:03,620 --> 00:07:08,280
Oh, I think that John Long out of nice
tea has done this many times before, and
122
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:10,220
probably will do it many times again.
123
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,140
Same as to me. He killed almost any damn
raven.
124
00:07:14,380 --> 00:07:17,540
I don't remember ever taking this way
home.
125
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:21,920
I mean, if you're going to cut a
stranger's butt off, just what would he
126
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,840
family member who turned on him?
127
00:07:24,740 --> 00:07:26,960
We're really off the grid here, aren't
we?
128
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,200
I'll tell you what.
129
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,300
I'd sleep with one eye open myself.
130
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,480
Who I if I had old lady vision.
131
00:07:35,380 --> 00:07:36,380
Well, we home.
132
00:07:36,620 --> 00:07:37,620
Off to work.
133
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:38,720
Have midnight.
134
00:07:38,940 --> 00:07:39,479
That's right.
135
00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:41,140
And don't you dare follow me, bitch.
136
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:43,400
Rusty.
137
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,240
Rusty, get out of here. Boo!
138
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,540
Shut up and take off that work uniform.
139
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:48,760
We gotta get.
140
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:05,360
I guess we're the Goldens now. Why don't
you tack a Berg on the end of that?
141
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,520
He really steers clear of the Jew folk.
142
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,240
Here's your new ID, Shlomo. No way.
143
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:12,480
I'm 23?
144
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,580
Now you're old enough to buy beer.
145
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:16,720
For me and my teenage friends.
146
00:08:17,740 --> 00:08:19,000
My name's Rick.
147
00:08:19,220 --> 00:08:23,840
My stupid dad got stationed here. I'm
hoping to make a splash at the local
148
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:24,840
preparatory school.
149
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,680
How long we gonna live like this,
Granny?
150
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,240
Rick. I mean Rick.
151
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:29,780
No, Dirk.
152
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,370
Dirk. No, Rick. Hello!
153
00:08:32,669 --> 00:08:37,370
You should just forget that life where
you come from. We on the run now. You
154
00:08:37,370 --> 00:08:39,990
never talk to your daddy or see him ever
again.
155
00:08:40,230 --> 00:08:42,150
Well, ain't that a damn shame?
156
00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:43,929
How'd you find us?
157
00:08:44,210 --> 00:08:46,590
I figured I'd just be friendly, you
know.
158
00:08:46,970 --> 00:08:48,410
Meet the new neighbors.
159
00:08:49,190 --> 00:08:51,930
Oh, I knew we should have moved the
county over.
160
00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:53,870
I'm so damn cheap.
161
00:08:54,130 --> 00:08:56,150
Yeah, I brought you a little
housewarming present.
162
00:08:56,910 --> 00:09:01,210
It's that knife I got off the TV what
let you saw a damn metal can and two
163
00:09:01,210 --> 00:09:02,610
gingerly sliced a tomato.
164
00:09:03,370 --> 00:09:06,050
Or a butt, if that was your interest.
165
00:09:07,290 --> 00:09:11,690
Granny, you was right. We broke the
case. We looked through the white pages
166
00:09:11,690 --> 00:09:14,250
found our butt cutter. He was using an
alias.
167
00:09:14,810 --> 00:09:16,710
Jonathan Long Island, I see.
168
00:09:16,970 --> 00:09:19,530
Hey! Clever, but not clever enough.
169
00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:24,970
I am a lawyer, and I will sue your
entire back -ass county within an inch
170
00:09:24,970 --> 00:09:28,510
your life. Take a number behind that gay
guy who got all huffy about the
171
00:09:28,510 --> 00:09:29,950
homosexual drinking fountain.
172
00:09:30,230 --> 00:09:33,790
I tell you, you try to do something nice
for the weird people.
173
00:09:36,110 --> 00:09:39,390
Well, another case cracked by the
dynamic duo.
174
00:09:39,750 --> 00:09:40,750
Want a cold one?
175
00:09:41,219 --> 00:09:44,000
Something just don't add up here. Oh,
yeah, you think?
176
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:49,240
My name is Jonathan Long. You wrote
Island Iced Tea on it in the phone book,
177
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,060
which, by the way, not a proper ID.
178
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:54,560
Yeah, well, we'll see if you change your
tune after a few hours with Mr. Rubber
179
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:55,560
Hose.
180
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,600
Don't drink from that, though.
181
00:10:00,820 --> 00:10:05,280
There's a case pending. Well, we never
really accounted for this literature I
182
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:09,320
found for that competing ghost tour that
was so butt -centric.
183
00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:11,540
Go on.
184
00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:17,820
Halen's Poltergeist Promenade. I found
it stuck to a bag of severed human butts
185
00:10:17,820 --> 00:10:23,020
with a sticky note that said frame on
the counter and a fake tentacle covered
186
00:10:23,020 --> 00:10:26,680
blood which somehow nacked the tentacle
blood tracks exactly.
187
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:32,180
It fell out of Dan Halen's backpack
while he was jogging at midnight last
188
00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:37,520
and the tracksuit made a human butt
along with all these drawings of butts.
189
00:10:39,329 --> 00:10:42,250
Maybe we ought to pay this Mr. Halen a
visit.
190
00:10:42,730 --> 00:10:43,930
Early Kyler did it.
191
00:10:44,470 --> 00:10:45,690
It's a nice suit.
192
00:10:46,090 --> 00:10:49,610
Is that suit made out of human butts? Of
course it is. Are we done here?
193
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:52,430
One more question. Thank you for your
time, Mr.
194
00:10:52,630 --> 00:10:53,770
Halen. Hold on now.
195
00:10:54,810 --> 00:10:56,110
That guy's our boss.
15567
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