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1
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My dreams are all getting buried.
2
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Last time on Squidbillies.
3
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Well, that Tammy, she's the new woman of
my life. You sure got you a party one.
4
00:00:41,460 --> 00:00:45,780
Big old wide berth and hip. I can't be
in this house no more. Oh, come on in
5
00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:47,980
here, darling. You can stay with me.
6
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Pregnant? Where is she?
7
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Get your nasty hands off me. She run off
to be with her mama.
8
00:00:53,980 --> 00:00:54,980
Hey, Randy.
9
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:56,779
Uh -oh.
10
00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:57,920
I'll kill you, bitch.
11
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,020
And now the thrilling conclusion.
12
00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:04,900
Oh, I feel him kicking.
13
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,420
He's doing a little boot scoop boogie in
there.
14
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,160
Yeah, he's loving this Baby Island Co.
15
00:01:09,420 --> 00:01:11,100
This track's called F***ing in the Butt.
16
00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:12,059
Do what?
17
00:01:12,060 --> 00:01:16,080
I'm sorry, Rusty, but I don't think our
unborn child needs to be exposed to
18
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,080
this. But the language center of his
brain's growing.
19
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,220
If he don't learn the F word now, he'll
fall behind his peer group and he may
20
00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:22,220
never catch up.
21
00:01:22,260 --> 00:01:24,280
Catch up to who, exactly?
22
00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:30,380
You know, Granny, Lil, all his teachers
gonna be dropping F -bombs. You don't
23
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want him to get teased at homeschool, do
you?
24
00:01:32,410 --> 00:01:37,070
Oh, Rusty, we disagree on so much, and
this baby ain't even born yet.
25
00:01:37,710 --> 00:01:41,610
Well, don't go crazy or nothing, but I
should tell you that, uh, that Daddy's
26
00:01:41,610 --> 00:01:43,150
getting out of the cooler in a few days.
27
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:44,790
No! He sure would like to... No!
28
00:01:45,030 --> 00:01:48,250
Oh, come on, honey, he just wants to see
his grandbaby. No, no, no, no, no. We
29
00:01:48,250 --> 00:01:51,130
ain't ever gonna stay safe with your
daddy again, Rusty. Now, we've been over
30
00:01:51,130 --> 00:01:52,550
this. Ah, here come the hormones.
31
00:01:52,770 --> 00:01:55,850
This ain't hormones, Rusty. He shot me!
32
00:01:56,270 --> 00:01:57,510
In broad daylight!
33
00:01:58,050 --> 00:02:01,630
Aw, he's just throwing some wild oats
before he's gotta settle down and be a
34
00:02:01,630 --> 00:02:06,440
granddaddy. Rusty, honey, he carved a
love note to me in the side of a live
35
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:10,340
German shepherd. Look, I know all that.
But he's changed, though. He's a
36
00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:11,159
different man.
37
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,180
He ain't touched a drink in eight
months.
38
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Best batch of the whole eight months.
39
00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:18,620
Buttery high notes.
40
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,980
And I think I detect some pepper in the
finish.
41
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:27,780
That's a real nice vintage if you can
somehow block out where it came from.
42
00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:28,780
a toilet, Sheriff.
43
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:29,960
Get over it.
44
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:35,840
Listen, Early, Rusty's come a long way
in these eight months with this little
45
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:40,540
gal, and I just hate to see you run out
of here and cause trouble for him. Yeah,
46
00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:42,740
that's the mama of my grandbaby.
47
00:02:43,180 --> 00:02:45,420
I'm completely done with that bitch.
48
00:02:45,620 --> 00:02:46,620
She's holler inside.
49
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:51,040
Hell, she's like a damn chocolate Easter
bunny with no nougat. No nougat! Well,
50
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,020
Super, sounds like you've moved on.
51
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,720
There's plenty of other fish in to see.
That's right.
52
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,820
Glenn's wife is out there looking for
it. No, not Glenn's wife. I'm talking
53
00:02:59,820 --> 00:03:01,460
about, you know, single fish.
54
00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:05,850
One's without restraining order. You
know what? All them damn warmers can do
55
00:03:05,850 --> 00:03:07,210
whatever the hell they want to.
56
00:03:07,490 --> 00:03:09,570
And so can I. You hear me?
57
00:03:09,770 --> 00:03:13,350
So can I. All right, big guy. You go out
there and break some hearts.
58
00:03:14,410 --> 00:03:15,870
Oh, there he is.
59
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,330
Hey, baby.
60
00:03:17,550 --> 00:03:18,730
Hey, baby.
61
00:03:19,070 --> 00:03:21,330
Yeah, well, where are the other four
arms and legs?
62
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:22,980
Don't look like he's got them.
63
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,200
Usually people don't want those. Well, I
do. I mean, I'm a squid.
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00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,300
And he's my son. Ain't he supposed to be
like me?
65
00:03:29,620 --> 00:03:36,500
Rusty, honey, I'm sure he'll have
your... Your, um... Your...
66
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:37,520
He gonna get my rat tail?
67
00:03:37,820 --> 00:03:39,280
Check this out. I got me a rat tail.
68
00:03:39,940 --> 00:03:42,660
I'm sure he'll have some of your odds
and ends.
69
00:03:42,860 --> 00:03:46,900
Talk about more badass stuff. How badass
I am. How badass he's gonna get from
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00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:48,640
me. Feel this muscle. Ba -bam!
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00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,100
Oh, Lord.
72
00:03:53,990 --> 00:03:54,990
Halloween.
73
00:03:58,830 --> 00:04:01,370
Okay, then. We've got two ultrasounds.
74
00:04:02,350 --> 00:04:05,510
Are you counting the ones you just did
on my face?
75
00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:07,830
Because we didn't ask for that.
76
00:04:08,190 --> 00:04:11,230
Well, maybe someone should have
mentioned that before I did it. What am
77
00:04:11,230 --> 00:04:12,149
mind reader?
78
00:04:12,150 --> 00:04:14,190
I don't know if I am. Hold on. Maybe I
am. Hold on.
79
00:04:16,410 --> 00:04:17,470
Nope. Not a mind reader.
80
00:04:17,810 --> 00:04:20,810
So that's three ultrasounds. Hang on.
Stop.
81
00:04:21,070 --> 00:04:22,670
Stop. How much if we just stop?
82
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:29,900
Everything right now. Let's call it $4
,800 cash or vouchers. Well,
83
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:34,080
I was thinking maybe you got some work
around here that needs doing. Maybe I
84
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:35,500
could trade you one of my hogs.
85
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:39,360
Not unless you have a hog worth $4 ,800.
86
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:42,280
Do you?
87
00:04:43,020 --> 00:04:46,940
Let's get you home, and then we can
start laying some of those golden eggs.
88
00:04:48,180 --> 00:04:52,000
Rusty, you're lucky he's dumb. We're not
going to be able to pay all our bills
89
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:52,799
with a haul.
90
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:56,200
You don't need to worry about all this.
I got a career path all laid out.
91
00:04:56,420 --> 00:04:59,040
Oh, good. You got that job at the
Walmart Deli.
92
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:04,260
Actually, you know, I thought I'd train
steel cage fighting for a few years.
93
00:05:04,460 --> 00:05:05,540
Build up my core muscle.
94
00:05:05,980 --> 00:05:09,840
Then we schedule a pay -per -view title
fight and win, and then I'm rich. The
95
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,660
money's kick -ass, and I don't have to
cut my rat tail off and sell out.
96
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:17,940
Baby, that sounds great. But just in
case, don't you think we should have a
97
00:05:17,940 --> 00:05:19,500
realistic backup plan?
98
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:22,540
You mean like recording a rap album and
developing my brand?
99
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:27,200
Dropping dope beats while I'm slicing
thin meat. Oh, damn, here's a Black
100
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:29,360
ham. I told you, prosciutto.
101
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:31,360
You calling for prosciutto?
102
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That ain't no easy word for me to rhyme,
yo.
103
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:37,840
Yeah, I'm gonna complain.
104
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,880
Have a great day at the Walmart, Wade.
Deli department meet, Will.
105
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:43,360
Rusty? Oh!
106
00:05:43,820 --> 00:05:45,020
I think it's time.
107
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:48,460
I think my water broke. Oh, my God. Oh,
my God. That woman in the breathing
108
00:05:48,460 --> 00:05:50,160
class said it's time to go to the
hospital now.
109
00:05:50,460 --> 00:05:52,800
Stay there. I'm coming right over.
You're going nowhere.
110
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:59,180
I want you stretching out this German
potato salad with this sawdust.
111
00:05:59,940 --> 00:06:01,020
Hide it in the mail.
112
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,240
Oh, man.
113
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,420
Something came up at work, honey. But,
Rusty, I need some...
114
00:06:21,409 --> 00:06:22,930
Hey, little gal.
115
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:24,170
What? Who's out there?
116
00:06:25,190 --> 00:06:26,690
You're looking fine as wine.
117
00:06:27,510 --> 00:06:28,870
Your milk come in yet?
118
00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:34,990
Oh, yeah. That's right. I've been
tracking you. Not even the FBI can find
119
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Ghost recon.
120
00:06:36,820 --> 00:06:38,640
Oh, oh, he's kicking.
121
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:39,900
Go on now, let me feel.
122
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,460
No, he doesn't kick me on the inner
thigh.
123
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:47,740
Look, I want you to die in jail, but
right now, I need a ride to the
124
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:49,920
Oh, stop!
125
00:06:50,020 --> 00:06:52,020
I tried hard to make it work, the twink
star.
126
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,600
If you believe the courts, I forced it.
127
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:59,300
My point is, you want me to drop you off
at the hospital and get out of your
128
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:01,520
life forever? Yes, yes, yes, yes. We're
good now.
129
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,140
Yep, that's what I want. Just say the
word.
130
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:04,199
It's done.
131
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,300
Yes, that's what I want.
132
00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:10,060
But if you want me there. No. Standing
tall for you like a man. That's all
133
00:07:10,060 --> 00:07:13,080
right. And I'll sign up for that. I
still want the first thing. And I ain't
134
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,200
letting nothing get between us.
135
00:07:14,580 --> 00:07:15,600
Not my son.
136
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,140
Not the baby you having with my son.
137
00:07:18,420 --> 00:07:20,380
And not the laws of this great nation.
138
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:21,680
Oh, hell.
139
00:07:23,380 --> 00:07:27,940
What the hell are you doing? The
hospital is up there. Law says I can't
140
00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:29,200
but in 200 yards of you.
141
00:07:29,420 --> 00:07:32,120
But you know when you hear these tones
in the distance.
142
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:38,600
I'm right there in your heart. And I'm
definitely watching you from a distant
143
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:39,600
deer stand.
144
00:07:41,340 --> 00:07:44,200
You know now, get to pushing to make me
a granddaddy.
145
00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:48,900
This is a beautiful moment that's going
to change your life forever.
146
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:55,400
The government will give you $247 a
month for each one in the litter.
147
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:59,520
And you know how much them city couples
would fork over for just one?
148
00:07:59,940 --> 00:08:02,700
If you tell them it's Chinese, they'll
pay double.
149
00:08:09,770 --> 00:08:11,050
I'll go get him.
150
00:08:16,650 --> 00:08:19,210
Don't worry, Mom. I'll get him. Doctor!
151
00:08:22,950 --> 00:08:24,150
Doctor! Damn.
152
00:08:24,490 --> 00:08:25,490
Hang on.
153
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:27,810
Okay.
154
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:31,410
Commercial. So, what's going on? Hey,
can I smoke this in here?
155
00:08:31,630 --> 00:08:33,990
You can't smoke that at all. It's an
epidural.
156
00:08:34,530 --> 00:08:35,730
Can I snort it then?
157
00:08:36,150 --> 00:08:37,150
That's a good question.
158
00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:40,539
What is that?
159
00:08:40,539 --> 00:08:41,559
Whoa, heads up. Okay.
160
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:44,940
I've never done this before.
161
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:46,820
Would you please pick my baby up?
162
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,620
Oh, look at that little thing.
163
00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:52,900
Oh, and the kid.
164
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:58,480
We should get him a little earring in
the ear. And put a do -rag on him with
165
00:08:58,480 --> 00:08:59,540
little dollar signs.
166
00:09:13,710 --> 00:09:15,170
I got some big ass there, too.
167
00:09:15,410 --> 00:09:19,090
Okay. Breathe. Breathe now. Come on. You
want some ice chips? Rusty, it's over.
168
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:20,470
I had the baby.
169
00:09:20,770 --> 00:09:23,470
The only baby we're ever going to have
together.
170
00:09:23,970 --> 00:09:25,150
And you missed it.
171
00:09:25,550 --> 00:09:26,790
What do you mean, only baby?
172
00:09:27,090 --> 00:09:28,750
I was thinking we'd have two or three
more.
173
00:09:28,970 --> 00:09:32,530
Then start to fight and get married to
try to salvage things.
174
00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:35,690
No, Rusty. That's not how I'm going to
live my life.
175
00:09:36,030 --> 00:09:40,170
I want this baby to have his daddy
around, but I can't have him growing up
176
00:09:40,170 --> 00:09:41,049
you did.
177
00:09:41,050 --> 00:09:44,880
I think for now... It's just going to be
me and... Evander the real deal
178
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:45,880
Holyfield Collar?
179
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,620
Macho man Randy Collar.
180
00:09:49,300 --> 00:09:50,880
Ain't the name we talked about, Tammy.
181
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,160
It's better.
182
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,180
Can I hold my little macho man?
183
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,920
Sure, go on. He's in the nursery.
184
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,120
Granny, I'm going to go see my boy.
185
00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:04,060
If you would, keep an eye on my
copayable.
186
00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:06,220
Yeah, honey.
187
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:10,100
You go on and hold that sweet little
baby of yours.
188
00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:17,600
Hell, if it even is hell. There ain't no
way that filthy chucky baby come from
189
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:18,600
Squidloin.
190
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,360
I won't have it in my home, I'll tell
you that right now.
191
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:23,179
Hey, buddy.
192
00:10:23,180 --> 00:10:24,180
How you doing?
193
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:28,060
He ain't got rusty's acne. He ain't got
rusty's rat tail. I see you done got
194
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:29,880
your ear pierced. You all wild in there.
195
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:31,500
Hell, I ain't no coward, baby. Ain't
you?
196
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,680
Ain't you? Well, it's obvious he just
wants a piece of this thing. We gonna
197
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,080
raise some hell, you and me. Not on my
watch. You're my son.
198
00:10:38,830 --> 00:10:42,050
I'm your daddy. It ain't right for him
not to be here for the birth of his boy.
199
00:10:42,090 --> 00:10:44,470
You weren't there when Rusty was born.
200
00:10:44,850 --> 00:10:45,829
Totally different.
201
00:10:45,830 --> 00:10:46,910
I didn't give a damn.
202
00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:48,770
What the?
203
00:10:50,410 --> 00:10:52,370
Looks like you can't smoke this.
16506
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