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1
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,960
Raised by a wild pack of cigarettes.
2
00:00:09,860 --> 00:00:14,040
Yeah, there's a special place in hell
waiting for me.
3
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:18,220
You betcha, mister, when my time comes.
4
00:00:19,740 --> 00:00:23,400
And I'm proud to say I'll be there with
my family.
5
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:28,460
At the reunion party, drinking,
painting, eating fire!
6
00:00:30,590 --> 00:00:31,590
I'm going to drive that thing. Come on.
7
00:00:31,810 --> 00:00:32,810
Touch the trim.
8
00:00:33,990 --> 00:00:35,870
Come on now. Get a chair.
9
00:00:36,130 --> 00:00:37,670
All of it, baby. In the bag.
10
00:00:38,050 --> 00:00:42,130
Well, okay. Well, but you got to take
the bag off your head or else I can't
11
00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:43,630
really rightly feel the bag.
12
00:00:45,590 --> 00:00:48,110
Huh. Well, that there's a classic
conundrum.
13
00:00:48,430 --> 00:00:52,850
I mean, I don't want to reveal my
identity, but yet I need the bag to move
14
00:00:52,850 --> 00:00:53,850
goods.
15
00:00:54,550 --> 00:00:56,490
Well, I guess you're right to stand
still.
16
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:00,540
Uh, I could steal one of your bags.
17
00:01:00,780 --> 00:01:03,660
You could, and you're welcome to it, but
then what would you put it in?
18
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:06,120
Damn it, you got me.
19
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:08,620
Don't you look me in the eye now. It is
you, Early.
20
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,820
Dang, I should have known it when I seen
the tips of them green hands.
21
00:01:12,020 --> 00:01:13,600
Hey, you big holistic profiler.
22
00:01:13,820 --> 00:01:14,820
Hey, Daddy, look.
23
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:18,760
Attention, primitive.
24
00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:21,220
Thy wait is over.
25
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,940
I give you your very own...
26
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,260
It's called Walmart. I said Walmart.
27
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,360
Yeah, but you mean... Well,
28
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,640
don't stand under it. Do what?
29
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:41,820
I'm about to drop it. He wants us to
stand under it. You mean stand over
30
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:43,180
Not under... Well, you want me to go?
31
00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:47,880
Should I move over here? I'm counting to
three and I'm dropping it.
32
00:01:48,140 --> 00:01:49,140
Dropping what?
33
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:50,240
One.
34
00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:54,540
I didn't even wait till three.
35
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,320
Welcome to Baltimore.
36
00:02:01,230 --> 00:02:08,150
We got free samples of butter bomb
jalapeno popperito butters. They're good
37
00:02:08,150 --> 00:02:09,150
for parties.
38
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:11,130
You get it together.
39
00:02:11,730 --> 00:02:12,730
No, not mine.
40
00:02:12,990 --> 00:02:13,990
These are mine.
41
00:02:14,070 --> 00:02:15,790
Crystal, now. Because of this contest.
42
00:02:16,130 --> 00:02:19,870
Crystal, now. Putting them in your mouth
because they're in front of you.
43
00:02:21,650 --> 00:02:25,790
Crystal, sweetheart, won't you just save
some of them samples for the customers?
44
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,320
See, the idea is that they taste it and
enjoy it, and then if we're lucky,
45
00:02:32,460 --> 00:02:34,640
they'll take it up there and buy it at
the register.
46
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:35,980
Yeah, you dumb bitch.
47
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,220
We got some quality over here.
48
00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:40,500
Well,
49
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,300
these are actually products on the shelf
for sale, Irving.
50
00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:48,100
Well, we're just browsing.
51
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:53,060
We're just looking. Yep, we're just
browsing. Well, I kind of need you to
52
00:02:53,060 --> 00:02:57,150
provide some money to pay for the things
you just ate. We ain't got... No money?
53
00:02:58,110 --> 00:02:59,410
Now, why is that no money?
54
00:02:59,630 --> 00:03:03,170
He means we ain't got no money for
shoddy products.
55
00:03:04,970 --> 00:03:07,270
What was built by shiny mans in China.
56
00:03:07,490 --> 00:03:10,810
Well, how about that barrel of cheesy
chimps early? Well, it was already open
57
00:03:10,810 --> 00:03:11,810
when I opened them.
58
00:03:11,830 --> 00:03:15,830
Yeah, so was that 12 -pack, I guess,
huh? Now he knows how it works.
59
00:03:17,210 --> 00:03:20,950
I don't have to sit here in comfort and
take this. That's right.
60
00:03:21,230 --> 00:03:24,450
We'll just take our business elsewhere.
Well, you're going to leave that comfy
61
00:03:24,450 --> 00:03:29,100
critter right here. No, no, no. Once I
got motorized, I ain't never going back
62
00:03:29,100 --> 00:03:31,720
to hopping around like a Mexican jumping
bean.
63
00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:36,600
Never. Well, if you want to stay on the
cart, Walmart's always hiring.
64
00:03:36,940 --> 00:03:38,520
You mean like a worky job?
65
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:39,638
Ten -four.
66
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,220
They told me I'm too stupid to work.
67
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,260
Not here. We'll hire anybody.
68
00:03:45,260 --> 00:03:46,480
Welcome to Walmart.
69
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:51,420
Unless, of course, you're one of them
people who ain't welcome at Walmart.
70
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,740
And you know who we are.
71
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:59,040
Excuse me, we're looking for a fondue
kit. Ooh, I think somebody's had more
72
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,120
their fair share of fondue already.
73
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:05,020
Excuse me? How about a treadmill, honey?
They're on aisle 32.
74
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,940
Here, dump your big slut wash for
dummies. It's on sale.
75
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:14,040
Oh, wow, it's in paperback. Slut
mascara's on aisle 47 if you're low.
76
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:15,760
Chop, chop, men.
77
00:04:15,860 --> 00:04:19,779
If you ain't greeting the customer, then
you better be hunting one down who
78
00:04:19,779 --> 00:04:22,079
needs to be greeted. Bitch, you ain't
the boss of me.
79
00:04:23,460 --> 00:04:25,660
Yes, I'm afraid I am.
80
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,340
Actually, Early, she's the assistant
greeter manager.
81
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,800
Oh, no, ma 'am. You best check your
facts.
82
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:35,020
No, Early, she was hired ten minutes
before you were, so welcome to Walmart.
83
00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:36,400
She's your supervisor.
84
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,940
Go on, say it. Do it with a smile.
85
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:42,620
Welcome to Ball Mart.
86
00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:44,300
Don't miss that one. Yeah, you.
87
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,220
Welcome to Ball Mart. You too, boy.
88
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:47,440
Don't let him by.
89
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:51,320
Welcome to Ball Mart. Welcome to Ball
Mart. Woo, need a little competition up
90
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:55,260
here. Welcome to Ball Mart. Welcome to
Ball Mart. Welcome to Ball Mart. Welcome
91
00:04:55,260 --> 00:04:56,960
to Ball Mart. Welcome to Ball Mart.
92
00:04:57,260 --> 00:04:58,260
You want me to welcome you outside?
93
00:04:58,640 --> 00:04:59,640
Welcome to outside.
94
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,340
Scaring people with degrees.
95
00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:05,420
I'm putting you in back. I'm going to
need you to stack basketball goals and
96
00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:09,060
baby pools. And I'm going to need you to
stack your kisses up on my ass.
97
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:10,960
Ain't doing. Welcome to Walmart.
98
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:15,680
Squat. Well, then I guess you ain't
getting welcome to Walmart, Pete.
99
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:20,320
And I guess I'm going to rat your ass
up. And I'm going to beat your ass down
100
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:24,380
soon as I punch out. Hell, yeah. I'm
going to punch out and then punch you on
101
00:05:24,380 --> 00:05:27,700
time. Night time is the right time to
bust your behind.
102
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:31,620
Oh, somebody's greeting the graveyard
shift.
103
00:05:31,860 --> 00:05:32,860
You can't do that.
104
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,039
Ain't nobody here.
105
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:37,960
Well, according to Mr. Clipboard, I've
just done it. Can she do that?
106
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:39,160
Oh, you'll be greeting.
107
00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:43,790
Your own insanity before I'm done with
you, boy. Well, you know what, then? I
108
00:05:43,790 --> 00:05:47,970
quit. But not before I bypassed the 20 %
employee discount.
109
00:05:48,410 --> 00:05:51,810
Well, lucky, lucky. We just passed the
sell -by date.
110
00:05:52,190 --> 00:05:55,350
I'm no longer inclined to sell them to
you.
111
00:05:55,710 --> 00:05:59,490
Well, then I guess you're going to have
to clean up some foot, Brian, because
112
00:05:59,490 --> 00:06:03,670
they broke all over the floor.
113
00:06:04,310 --> 00:06:05,430
I'm going to leave some...
114
00:06:10,990 --> 00:06:12,850
Come back and see us!
115
00:06:15,090 --> 00:06:21,810
Come on, Early. I think you made your
point.
116
00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:25,990
I put her in her place, didn't I? Yeah,
you sure did, Early. Yes, I did.
117
00:06:27,870 --> 00:06:28,950
Get your hands up.
118
00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:30,650
Yes, sir, Early.
119
00:06:31,110 --> 00:06:32,970
Give me all of it. In the bag.
120
00:06:33,390 --> 00:06:36,530
Yes, sir. Don't shoot. I've got the gun.
I'm in control.
121
00:06:37,110 --> 00:06:38,170
Yes, sir, you are.
122
00:06:40,430 --> 00:06:41,430
Sure was.
123
00:06:41,450 --> 00:06:42,450
Oh, hey, Daddy.
124
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,470
Yeah, I thought I found you here.
125
00:06:44,710 --> 00:06:48,830
You. Why ain't you working over there at
Ballard? Like every other damn trader
126
00:06:48,830 --> 00:06:49,990
in this town. Well, I quit.
127
00:06:50,270 --> 00:06:54,070
They hire legal. Don't give us no
insurance and no last organized labor.
128
00:06:54,490 --> 00:06:58,030
That's how they pass on the savings to
you. Everything they sell comes from
129
00:06:58,030 --> 00:06:59,030
South America.
130
00:06:59,050 --> 00:07:00,310
The second -hand America.
131
00:07:00,710 --> 00:07:02,650
Come on, now. We're going to make our
voices heard.
132
00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:06,970
What, like organized workforce? Or maybe
we could strike for higher pay and
133
00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:07,970
lower ours.
134
00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:11,600
We could even lobby Congress to give tax
breaks for domestic factory jobs.
135
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,380
I was thinking blow it up and, you know,
rob it.
136
00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:16,400
Not in that order, though.
137
00:07:18,220 --> 00:07:21,420
You're going to enter through the air
conditioning grate, and you will crawl
138
00:07:21,420 --> 00:07:25,220
approximately five clicks in an east or
westerly direction to this right here.
139
00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:28,660
Now, when you hear the distinctive clack
of this here assistant greeter
140
00:07:28,660 --> 00:07:32,020
manager's walker... That's quite a
hernia you got down there. You kick over
141
00:07:32,020 --> 00:07:34,380
shelf of dumbbells and free weights down
on her head.
142
00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:38,920
I'll be drilling through the concrete
floor of this stock room to where the
143
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,660
is located, 200 foot below the earth's
crust.
144
00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:45,400
We're going to wire these here specially
made contact lenses. They'll get us
145
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:48,300
past the retinal scan and make us look
like angry cats.
146
00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:51,540
What about them security cameras up
there?
147
00:07:53,130 --> 00:07:57,270
You mean like in motion picture cameras
and all? Where they can see you and
148
00:07:57,270 --> 00:07:59,670
everything? Yeah, Daddy, there's cameras
everywhere.
149
00:08:00,110 --> 00:08:04,070
There's one there and here and here and
here and here and here.
150
00:08:04,530 --> 00:08:05,530
Hmm.
151
00:08:06,610 --> 00:08:10,730
You ignore cameras one through six, and
I will ignore cameras eight through ten.
152
00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:14,730
Next, you will create a diversion and
junior mess by shaking your winger at
153
00:08:14,730 --> 00:08:17,690
people and yelling, I'm a pervert, I'm a
pervert, I'm a pervert.
154
00:08:18,890 --> 00:08:22,450
Now, that should give me enough time to
get to the safe house across the state
155
00:08:22,450 --> 00:08:24,290
line. Free of fall mark jurisdiction.
156
00:08:24,910 --> 00:08:27,970
How long you want me to do this pervert
thing?
157
00:08:28,210 --> 00:08:29,250
Until they take you down.
158
00:08:29,870 --> 00:08:34,289
Now, don't you blip on me. We meet at
the front door tonight, 2100 hours.
159
00:08:35,190 --> 00:08:36,250
That's now, ain't it?
160
00:08:36,870 --> 00:08:37,870
It is.
161
00:08:39,150 --> 00:08:40,570
Get your asses on the floor.
162
00:08:41,289 --> 00:08:43,370
Daddy, the plan. The hell with the plan.
163
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,330
Open the safe, you son of a bitch.
164
00:08:47,820 --> 00:08:50,260
Now, I figured out how you got past the
greeter.
165
00:08:51,020 --> 00:08:55,620
I saw how you was ignoring the security
cameras, but there's one part of your
166
00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:57,900
plan I just couldn't quite figure out.
167
00:08:58,740 --> 00:09:00,880
How I got my eyes to look like an angry
cat?
168
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:04,620
What was it? Some sort of high -tech
transplant surgery or something?
169
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:10,400
Contacts. I knew it. Where did you find
these? They're fantastic. Oh, we got
170
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:11,400
them on aisle 27.
171
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:15,100
Oh, that's right. Hallelujah. We
evaluated the security tape.
172
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:20,620
And that's when we realized genius here
forgot to turn the cameras on. They do
173
00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:25,480
maybe look like a cat, early. Your sworn
statement says that the perpetrator was
174
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:30,460
a cat -like creature, three apples high
with feet of green.
175
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:34,740
You also added that it was your grandson
or your son.
176
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,080
You weren't sure.
177
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:39,220
The cat over there. The big one.
178
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,140
Surely you mean the little one.
179
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:49,080
The cephalopod with 37 priors, all armed
robbery. Are you sure it was me?
180
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:53,000
Because when you get in that courtroom
now, you need to be absolutely sure it
181
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:53,719
ain't me.
182
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,100
Well, I thought it was, but I don't
know.
183
00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,060
You know, a woman has the right to
change your mind.
184
00:10:00,780 --> 00:10:02,240
I'm sorry, did you say woman?
185
00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:08,460
You know, they fired my ass when they
found out I wasn't a dude.
186
00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:09,960
They call it management, Granny.
187
00:10:10,180 --> 00:10:11,340
Hell, it ain't womanagement.
188
00:10:11,660 --> 00:10:13,000
I mean, let's be real.
189
00:10:13,340 --> 00:10:16,540
You can't make no babies no damn more.
You ain't got nothing upstairs.
190
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,520
You look like something to come out the
ass of a damn dog.
191
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,280
I mean, what's next for you, really? I
mean, damn.
192
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:27,180
I'll tell you what's next. I'm going to
organize the workforce, and we're going
193
00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:31,800
to march to Washington, and I'm going to
file an anti -discrimination suit.
194
00:10:32,140 --> 00:10:34,000
Ain't this sexist bastard?
195
00:10:36,180 --> 00:10:37,180
Left paperwork.
196
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,860
All right, get your asses on the floor.
197
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:42,960
Hey, it's on.
198
00:10:43,150 --> 00:10:44,150
Is that you dude?
16860
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