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My oldest son was born an albino.
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My youngest one is covered up in hair.
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The middle one says he's homosexual.
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And the other seven are gone. I don't
know where.
5
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I just don't care.
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Hi, sir.
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Hey, let me drive that thing. Come on.
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Cut the trim.
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Hey, how you doing? What'll it be today?
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Oh, I didn't realize this was full
service.
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Yes, sir.
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Neat. The old -fashioned way. You know,
the pump is on the... I see you
13
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partial to super premium.
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Yeah, 91 octane.
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That's what I like.
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Hey,
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y 'all, look what I got granted for
mama's day.
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Hey, give me that so -crag you was
carrying.
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My wubby? Did I stutter? Uh, sir? Well,
this blanket's been the only reliable
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present since my... Give me that bag.
No, no!
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Uh,
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sir?
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Bam,
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son!
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Wubby ain't fooling around, is he?
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Here you go, Granny.
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Oh, a girl. Happy Mother's Day.
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Well, you carry on about him a lot. You
give all your money to him. And you call
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out his name whenever I hear that loud
buzzing at night.
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Well, that's just my pager. I got pages.
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Well, you sure as hell get a lot of
extra text below the waist when you're
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watching that Smokey and the Bandit 2.
33
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I have needs.
34
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And when are we going to get some damn
walls in this house?
35
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Here, let me hang that up for you. No.
36
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I told you all about him.
37
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I know, isn't he?
38
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:14,880
See, Rusty, this Jesus likes to talk to
me. Not like that other Jesus.
39
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I suspect he's always tuning me out.
40
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And then he wanted me to buy an entire
book of stamps.
41
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I said, no, sir.
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I was born at night, but not tomorrow
night. One stamp, please. Just what I
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asked for. And then I said, nice weather
we're having.
44
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And she ain't says nothing back to me.
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So I called her a filthy whore that
don't respect her elders. And then he
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on to tell me, I can't be man in human
feces. And I says, I ain't no human. And
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what's it to you? You ain't getting it.
And yes, I would like the insurance. But
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the whole time, she's a damn smoke
monster. And I found out I was talking
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television set.
50
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Yeah, I was pretty embarrassed and
lonely that day. You know, being with
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gossiping on people I hate fills my
heart with heavenly joy.
52
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I can't see you too good without my
glasses, but I can feel you. Okay, I
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bought myself a day with this.
54
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Why did you even appear to her in the
first place?
55
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She snapped a hip. I thought it was
over. You know they don't have bones,
56
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I know that now.
57
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You can cover yourself up in pounds of
fat, but an Adam's apple is an Adam's
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apple. Curse the alley is a dude.
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Oh,
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you're such a good dancer.
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I'm glad you're doing my gift grand.
Shut up!
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Jealous of my Jesus, my?
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Damn it, woman.
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Shut it down.
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All right, that's it. I'm not high
enough for this BS.
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Huh? Go kill your grandma.
67
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No, Daddy. Go on now. Put her down.
68
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It was me and my walker. So?
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You're going in.
70
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I guess I let Jiggle dance and done
played hell with her old woman bow.
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00:04:07,370 --> 00:04:09,170
Daddy, what are you doing to my mama's
back here?
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Alterations. Woo!
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That one got away from me before I even
found a seat.
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Did you miss me, Jesus?
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Hell no, I didn't.
76
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Jesus, you speak.
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And I say this unto you, shut thine
sloppy mouth hole. and lie thee down for
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night. So take charge.
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Bow down before me.
80
00:04:30,860 --> 00:04:31,860
Yes, sir.
81
00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:33,660
Sucker punch.
82
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,720
I got the power in me.
83
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Hallelujah.
84
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I did not tell thee to stop.
85
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Okay.
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Thou shalt and thou shalt. I'm a little
uncomfortable.
87
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That's my word and my word is the law.
88
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The race is almost on. Back thee up
right in here. Come on back. Whoa, right
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there. Drop thy payload.
90
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:16,710
This is Will.
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I ain't really done this before.
92
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Jesus said shut up. Now plug him down,
Mars.
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All right.
94
00:05:26,790 --> 00:05:28,590
Oh, Granny, what are you doing?
95
00:05:28,890 --> 00:05:29,629
I don't know.
96
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:32,810
She is installifying a jacuzzi, as I
have commanded.
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You can't let her put electric wires in
the koi pond.
98
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I mean, she ain't licensed by the state
or nothing, you know what I mean? I'm
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licensed by the Lord.
100
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:43,360
Okay,
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hop in.
102
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I must make my leave and fetch it early.
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This is my gift to him.
104
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Y 'all have a good 'un now.
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Mind your own business now.
106
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Granny, just keep an eye out for those
barren false witness, will you?
107
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Well, this Jesus does seem to use the C
word quite a lot.
108
00:06:04,390 --> 00:06:07,110
Wait a minute. Where in the hell is
Kenny Chesney?
109
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I was promised Chesney. His publicist
said he's on tour until the 14th.
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You know what? I'm going to go tell
Jesus. No, please don't tell. You're a
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dumbass bitch for causing Jesus like
that.
112
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What is this? No Kenny Chesney? I keep
calling his manager, but I only get the
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voicemail. You ain't getting into
Hogwarts when you die. No. Jesus just
114
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it. Please.
115
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Hey, Sheriff.
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00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:35,680
Maybe thou should go off and buy Jesus a
pony keg. He loves him some beer and a
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keg, praise him. Just give me that damn
painting early. Uh -uh. I know you ain't
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touching Jesus on the face here.
119
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Daddy,
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get up.
121
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Hey, man, you got some business. Yep.
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Savior, right this way. Come on, folks.
123
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Uh -oh.
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Didn't see you in church today. What
part of day of rest do you not
125
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Get a fee off of my property here.
126
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Just as please as me.
127
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:17,420
Well, now, Jesus, if that's really you,
why don't you go ahead and prove it to
128
00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:18,620
all these good people here?
129
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:20,880
Fine. Y 'all want to see some magic?
130
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:24,020
Woo! Hello, you. Heavenly Jesus.
131
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,460
Watch me saw this old woman in half. No,
no.
132
00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:28,400
No, no, now, don't do that.
133
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:33,020
Look. This here's Billy Morton. Hey,
Jesus. Now, Billy's father nailed these
134
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:36,440
tree branches and two -by -fours to him
so he could get around.
135
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:38,120
Well, what can I say?
136
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:39,480
Tough nuts.
137
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:46,220
The way I work is unknown to me and
mystified and all that. I want you to
138
00:07:46,220 --> 00:07:48,440
him right here and right now.
139
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:52,800
He's supposed to bring me three gifts or
rub a lamp or something. Stop.
140
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:57,040
Fine. Young pilgrim, put them wooden
hands in mine.
141
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:01,740
Now, you go on. Give Jesus a pony keg.
No kegs, Jesus.
142
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,860
Damn! I want to see exactly what you
got. All right, fine.
143
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:07,180
Billy, repeat after me.
144
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:11,240
Part the lips and pass the gums. Part
the lips and pass the gums. Watch out,
145
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,360
liver. Watch out, liver. Here it comes.
146
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,160
Amen. Amen.
147
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,060
Oh, huge!
148
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:18,840
Stumble in the light!
149
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,720
It is he!
150
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:30,820
Revelation is at hand.
151
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:34,340
Now, my flock, bring all your monies up
here to me.
152
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:39,559
I have also tweaked the ancient text so
that I might lie down with Glenn's wife.
153
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:40,919
Right, Glenn?
154
00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:41,919
Uh, yeah.
155
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,740
Glenn, don't you displease me now.
156
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:45,660
You're going up there, honey.
157
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:47,520
Have a good one.
158
00:08:47,820 --> 00:08:51,680
Jesus, I lost my job. I can't satisfy my
wife anymore.
159
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,160
What are you going to do about global
warming? I can't afford to feed my kids.
160
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,800
What are you going to do about that? Can
you end the war in Afghanistan?
161
00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:00,520
Hey, the Bulldogs are going to win the
SEC this year.
162
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,820
Let me just think about all that and hit
all of the back on the flip.
163
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:06,500
Amen.
164
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,840
Well, that was brief.
165
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,420
Not a lot of answers.
166
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,380
I didn't hear a lot of answers.
167
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:15,679
Hey, y 'all.
168
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,380
Oh, did I miss him again?
169
00:09:17,620 --> 00:09:21,200
I think you're losing the crowd early.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, y 'all, hang
170
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:22,200
tight.
171
00:09:22,510 --> 00:09:24,170
Let me see if Jesus is still back here.
172
00:09:26,110 --> 00:09:27,110
All right!
173
00:09:27,290 --> 00:09:30,750
He may need to bring out his A -game
here.
174
00:09:31,010 --> 00:09:32,890
You mean like go out there and sign some
titties?
175
00:09:33,090 --> 00:09:34,310
It's going to take more than that.
176
00:09:34,650 --> 00:09:35,710
Aw, damn it.
177
00:09:56,430 --> 00:10:00,510
You know, this day is slammed for me,
so... He has a very busy schedule. Let's
178
00:10:00,510 --> 00:10:02,250
push this here back to Thursday. Okay.
179
00:10:02,530 --> 00:10:04,090
Everybody good for Thursday?
180
00:10:04,410 --> 00:10:07,110
Thursday only. I will walk on the water.
That's it.
181
00:10:09,330 --> 00:10:10,490
First of August.
182
00:10:11,150 --> 00:10:12,830
No, no, that one's busy, too.
183
00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:16,870
Third. Third of August, yeah. August
3rd, huh? Third of August. Everybody
184
00:10:16,870 --> 00:10:18,230
it down. Book it. It's happening.
185
00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:40,530
because of this old bitch here.
186
00:10:41,990 --> 00:10:47,030
Lo, I have done and done it. Bow down
and kiss my ass. I am beat.
187
00:10:47,790 --> 00:10:49,090
I think they're gone.
188
00:10:51,570 --> 00:10:52,570
Jesus.
189
00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:57,970
I want another air down here. Shut your
mouth. I done told them I'd walk, not
190
00:10:57,970 --> 00:10:59,590
stand. You keep a -paddling.
191
00:10:59,830 --> 00:11:00,830
I will.
14798
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