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1
00:00:01,610 --> 00:00:04,990
Last time on Squidbillies. You're never
going back there.
2
00:00:05,250 --> 00:00:08,410
Well, then ain't the state gonna stop
giving us that buddy check?
3
00:00:09,750 --> 00:00:11,510
Wait! Get on back here!
4
00:00:11,710 --> 00:00:14,030
It's wrong the way they took you from
your daddy!
5
00:00:15,310 --> 00:00:20,070
And now, Squidbillies. Oh, hey there,
Sheriff.
6
00:00:20,470 --> 00:00:22,130
Is it Rusty Money Day already?
7
00:00:22,620 --> 00:00:28,160
I just need to see one Russell Jesse
James Kenny the Gambler Rogers number
8
00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:35,160
three, the intimidator Dale Earnhardt
Kenny the Gambler Rogers, America's
9
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,260
number one collar.
10
00:00:36,540 --> 00:00:38,740
Oh, he's back there in the master,
sleeping at often.
11
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,900
Now, now, let's just get that money
check. Hell, this ain't rusty.
12
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:43,820
It's some dude.
13
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,240
Yeah, ain't got my face on yet.
14
00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:50,040
Sorry, Lil, I was just responding to the
mustache.
15
00:00:50,620 --> 00:00:52,080
But just where is Rusty?
16
00:00:55,940 --> 00:00:59,100
Ah! My baby boy is gone! He's missing!
17
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:03,160
Well, you're right. He's not here. He
was took from our home in the night!
18
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,419
Call Dr.
19
00:01:04,420 --> 00:01:08,320
Zell! I'd better launch one of those,
uh... Investigations?
20
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,340
I was gonna say flares.
21
00:01:11,220 --> 00:01:16,420
But your idea's better. How will we ever
live as well again without him?
22
00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:18,820
Baby Rusty!
23
00:01:21,089 --> 00:01:22,870
Hey, man, these shows got nice weather.
24
00:01:23,330 --> 00:01:25,510
That TV got white fuzz all over it.
25
00:01:25,770 --> 00:01:28,210
Daddy says it's because all the shows
are set in the wintertime.
26
00:01:28,450 --> 00:01:31,070
Granny says it's because Daddy drank all
that satellite money.
27
00:01:31,690 --> 00:01:35,030
I believe Granny, though, because
sometimes the shows happen inside. Shut
28
00:01:35,030 --> 00:01:39,410
shark gargler. Parker, this is your new
brother. I have no idea what a shark
29
00:01:39,410 --> 00:01:43,730
gargler is, but I know I don't want to
hear about it again in this car.
30
00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:47,370
You will spend the rest of the ride in
the collapsible fourth row of seats.
31
00:01:47,570 --> 00:01:49,170
There's only three cup holders back
there.
32
00:01:49,390 --> 00:01:53,590
And no iPod dock. Is this getting
through? I'm going to get a tattoo on my
33
00:01:53,590 --> 00:01:57,590
with this few mums. You had better not.
Wait a minute. Look at that. That's me
34
00:01:57,590 --> 00:01:58,529
up there on that screen.
35
00:01:58,530 --> 00:02:00,850
I'm famous. Look at that. Look at me.
That's me. I'm famous.
36
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:02,580
Hey, what them words say?
37
00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:07,580
It says, welcome to our family, trusty.
38
00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:08,780
Oh, okay.
39
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:09,840
Kick ass.
40
00:02:10,699 --> 00:02:12,880
It seems like only yesterday.
41
00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:20,080
Yeah, he'd sit on that porch and he'd
just be doing, you know, whatever it was
42
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:21,080
he used to do.
43
00:02:21,180 --> 00:02:27,200
He just kind of stared. He done it every
day. I think he had interest.
44
00:02:27,660 --> 00:02:29,240
Oh, how he would exist.
45
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:35,760
to justification why I should receive a
free money check from the government.
46
00:02:37,100 --> 00:02:41,940
Look, look, if anybody's seen the boy,
we just ask you to please contact us.
47
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:47,020
Now, unfortunately, this is the only
footage we've got of him.
48
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:51,720
I can't be getting another. Do it. I've
done my time. It's his turn now. He's
49
00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,960
the one behind the wheel. Look at that.
Who's driving? It's him. He's driving.
50
00:02:55,060 --> 00:02:57,880
All right, Rusty. How much you had to
drink tonight?
51
00:02:58,340 --> 00:02:59,340
Sensational. Wait, wait, wait.
52
00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:03,760
Is that my dad? Kids, look away while I
find the right programming choice.
53
00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:06,220
Okay. Here. Here we go.
54
00:03:06,660 --> 00:03:08,380
I'm afraid we lost the trail.
55
00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:09,580
Lost the trail.
56
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,810
His grandmother is worried sick. Listen,
Early, I'm trying. No, you listen.
57
00:03:13,070 --> 00:03:17,670
I want my baby rusted back. Hey, guys,
we don't need to watch TV. Come on.
58
00:03:17,870 --> 00:03:20,070
Let's do something healthy as a family.
59
00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:23,660
Let's watch a DVD.
60
00:03:23,740 --> 00:03:25,580
I'm gonna, I gotta go in the other room.
61
00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:28,080
Going to get some wine? I may have a
glass.
62
00:03:28,340 --> 00:03:31,780
Maybe just take half a muscle relaxer
with the Chardonnay. So you're not
63
00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:35,740
completely passed out when I have to put
the kids to bed. I do work, you know.
64
00:03:35,740 --> 00:03:37,740
This is work? This is what you're
working on? Don't touch my laptop. I
65
00:03:37,740 --> 00:03:40,420
important papers on there. Buns and
hoses. Food magnets.
66
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,060
Someone sent me a link. Yeah. As a
prank.
67
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:46,360
Because I'm the guy in the office that
hates this stuff.
68
00:03:47,530 --> 00:03:51,870
You know, we'd be sad and frustrated as
hell, and we'd pound on the computer
69
00:03:51,870 --> 00:03:55,770
every night, night after night, and look
here what it spat out.
70
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:59,030
Findbabyrusty .love. All major credit
cards accepted.
71
00:03:59,250 --> 00:04:05,810
We won't rest until that baby boy is
found, but we will peace
72
00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:06,810
ourselves.
73
00:04:07,230 --> 00:04:09,830
Because you do not want to step on the
golden goose.
74
00:04:10,130 --> 00:04:13,370
Well, look here. I mean, somebody just
sent me this riding lawnmower in honor
75
00:04:13,370 --> 00:04:17,050
my baby. And you can't give me no DUI on
this. Can I say one more thing?
76
00:04:17,610 --> 00:04:22,390
The only thing that kept me strong night
after night, staying up worrying about
77
00:04:22,390 --> 00:04:23,630
my grandbaby boy.
78
00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:28,470
With Python carbonated energy drinks.
Shout out to y 'all with Python.
79
00:04:28,850 --> 00:04:29,850
Woo!
80
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,210
Early. Come on outside.
81
00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:34,390
I think I got a break in the case.
82
00:04:34,710 --> 00:04:40,450
Oh, Lord. Well, I don't know that I got
the strength there, but... Bring them
83
00:04:40,450 --> 00:04:41,870
cameras and light boxes.
84
00:04:42,990 --> 00:04:45,050
Y 'all see these tire tracks here?
85
00:04:45,950 --> 00:04:50,770
Now, these were caused, all right, by
tires.
86
00:04:51,230 --> 00:04:52,550
What's they saying over there?
87
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:59,920
I'd wager that those tires were on some
sort of car that rolled with
88
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,240
them. Oh, it could be a tire swing.
89
00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:05,680
Well, that probably ain't possible,
Denny. There'd need to be at least four
90
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,800
trees close to the road for that to
happen.
91
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:12,440
Oh, are you saying they drove off with
my baby Rusty in a car?
92
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:13,619
Pretty sure.
93
00:05:13,620 --> 00:05:18,800
Oh, hell, that don't track at all with
my sworn statement about the UFO and the
94
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:19,800
jet ski ninja.
95
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,480
I sure, I hope.
96
00:05:24,750 --> 00:05:26,210
No more questions. Thank you back.
97
00:05:28,730 --> 00:05:31,890
Okay, off to work. Don't call me. I'm
planning meetings all day. Got new
98
00:05:31,890 --> 00:05:35,230
clients. Don't want a thing disrupting
them. And I think the phone lines are
99
00:05:35,230 --> 00:05:37,890
down and we got no internet service. I'm
incommunicado.
100
00:05:38,510 --> 00:05:39,510
I'll pick up dinner.
101
00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:42,070
He lost his job two months ago.
102
00:05:42,450 --> 00:05:44,090
Oh. He doesn't think I know.
103
00:05:46,250 --> 00:05:47,250
Yes,
104
00:05:47,370 --> 00:05:48,450
I just adopted a baby.
105
00:05:48,690 --> 00:05:52,190
Oh, no, no, no. Thank you. I was
wondering, is this the department where
106
00:05:52,190 --> 00:05:53,550
give out the government money check?
107
00:05:54,110 --> 00:05:55,590
The greeny -leaky spending money?
108
00:05:56,910 --> 00:06:03,550
So, uh, what we gonna do out here all
day? How tense, Rusty. That sure is a
109
00:06:03,550 --> 00:06:08,170
old box of wine, ain't it? I don't know
what it is about you squids. The long
110
00:06:08,170 --> 00:06:10,830
legs just wrappin' around me.
111
00:06:11,110 --> 00:06:16,550
Like a big old friendly platonic. You
ever ink on a grown woman, Russell?
112
00:06:17,650 --> 00:06:20,270
These lips are like braille.
113
00:06:21,150 --> 00:06:22,150
I got...
114
00:06:22,430 --> 00:06:24,630
My tears and my eyes.
115
00:06:26,250 --> 00:06:28,150
Yeah, and paradise.
116
00:06:30,850 --> 00:06:36,750
Rusty, if you were here with us, I know
that you would like to thank my buds at
117
00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:39,910
Dougal Party's rental emporium, what
give us the use of this free karaoke
118
00:06:39,910 --> 00:06:43,530
machine to publicly work through our
emotions during this oh -so -difficult
119
00:06:43,530 --> 00:06:44,530
time.
120
00:06:44,810 --> 00:06:46,530
Who's next on the list? Granny!
121
00:06:47,110 --> 00:06:48,950
Be the brick!
122
00:06:49,750 --> 00:06:50,750
Porn!
123
00:06:51,690 --> 00:06:52,710
That don't sound right.
124
00:06:52,970 --> 00:06:55,950
Will somebody please move that damn
monitor up?
125
00:06:57,390 --> 00:06:58,390
Honey?
126
00:06:59,090 --> 00:07:00,090
Kids?
127
00:07:01,010 --> 00:07:03,630
Rusty? Daddy, did I say that right?
128
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:08,570
Oh, my God. Uncle Dirk, Uncle Dirk, what
happened? Hey, this is not how this
129
00:07:08,570 --> 00:07:09,570
Uncle Dirk was.
130
00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:13,830
It is way better. I could never have
imagined.
131
00:07:14,070 --> 00:07:15,029
Woo -hoo!
132
00:07:15,030 --> 00:07:17,190
He raped me. Send him back.
133
00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:21,110
Back in my old home, when I get in
trouble, I get a licking, but not with a
134
00:07:21,110 --> 00:07:26,510
tongue, no sirree. Rusty, do you know
why you are in timeout? On account I had
135
00:07:26,510 --> 00:07:27,510
sex with your wife.
136
00:07:27,850 --> 00:07:28,850
That's part of it.
137
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:31,090
Uncle Derwin, I'm sorry I let you down.
138
00:07:31,550 --> 00:07:35,110
I do appreciate everything you've been
doing, bringing me into the city and
139
00:07:35,110 --> 00:07:39,010
getting me a haircut and trying to turn
me into a tree -hugging gay married
140
00:07:39,010 --> 00:07:40,130
homosexual. Look.
141
00:07:40,570 --> 00:07:44,590
I know that you've had some trouble
adapting to life with us. And, Rusty, we
142
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:48,730
know what you're going through. Fiona's
white. She has no idea what you're going
143
00:07:48,730 --> 00:07:53,630
through. And she's a whore. I want to
understand, and I want to help.
144
00:07:54,010 --> 00:07:55,010
Come here, Rusty.
145
00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:56,250
Give us a hug.
146
00:07:57,970 --> 00:07:59,210
Oh, you feel cold.
147
00:07:59,610 --> 00:08:02,970
Here, just put this hat over your head.
Hold on! Get in there!
148
00:08:03,210 --> 00:08:04,770
I've got him! Hold him down!
149
00:08:08,410 --> 00:08:13,510
Whore! Hey, sweetheart, you gonna put a
scrim on this key light? Get that makeup
150
00:08:13,510 --> 00:08:15,570
woman in here and airbrush me up some
abs.
151
00:08:15,790 --> 00:08:19,070
And don't underlight me and fix up the
whiskers on my chin.
152
00:08:19,370 --> 00:08:20,570
That's your little six -pack right
there.
153
00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:25,770
Now, them gutless people who took my
boy, I want them to know that I might be
154
00:08:25,770 --> 00:08:28,110
branching out at any moment into serious
dramatic roles.
155
00:08:30,550 --> 00:08:33,110
Look, y 'all, another break in the case.
156
00:08:33,530 --> 00:08:34,710
Daddy? Daddy!
157
00:08:34,950 --> 00:08:35,950
Daddy! Daddy!
158
00:08:36,909 --> 00:08:38,950
Hey, we got sound here. Quiet on the
set.
159
00:08:39,270 --> 00:08:40,950
I'm sorry for that rude -ass
interruption.
160
00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:46,630
All right, let's go one more time. In
three, two... No, I... I don't know when
161
00:08:46,630 --> 00:08:50,650
he'll return, but I just pray that he
ain't dead.
162
00:08:52,330 --> 00:08:55,790
I think we got one there. I mean, I was
really lacking tape, too. Someone unhook
163
00:08:55,790 --> 00:08:56,629
me here, please.
164
00:08:56,630 --> 00:08:59,250
I think you just go cut away at that
point. Hey, lose the sticks. We're
165
00:09:00,050 --> 00:09:01,190
Daddy! Daddy!
166
00:09:01,530 --> 00:09:04,030
Hey, Daddy, I love you. Hold on. We got
a plane.
167
00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:05,470
Oh, what?
168
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,400
Is that good?
169
00:09:13,460 --> 00:09:14,720
You've come back, son.
170
00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:15,799
Hey, Daddy.
171
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:19,840
Daddy. I saw you looking for me on the
TV, Daddy, and I missed you something
172
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:23,200
fierce. Damn, you did not hold up well
at all on that HD.
173
00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:26,980
As long as we was on the television set,
that's all that matters, son.
174
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:32,140
Oh, hold this, baby Rusty, and don't
never again let us go.
175
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,080
Get a tight shot on this.
176
00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:49,060
Okay, get off. Get off me. Where's that
old boy with the Steadicam? Wow.
177
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,320
Probably getting some B -roll out front.
178
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,940
Oh, they ain't got enough shots of the
dead chicken yet? Yeah, whenever the VO
179
00:09:54,940 --> 00:10:00,400
says, mired in poverty, they just love
to cut to that dead chicken. Hey, look
180
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,920
that deflated snowman. That is symbolic
as hell. Shoot that.
181
00:10:04,180 --> 00:10:08,980
Can I say this? Wow. Can I just tell you
guys I am so happy to be here? No! No!
182
00:10:09,140 --> 00:10:10,360
The van says go!
183
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,020
Nancy Grace, please.
184
00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:15,300
Early collar.
185
00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:17,260
You know, Baby Rusty's baby daddy.
186
00:10:17,780 --> 00:10:21,420
Well, I know he's back. He's sitting
right next to me. Pitch to where are
187
00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:24,880
now? Put me on with Nancy and let me get
this figured out with her. Pitch to
188
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:25,880
where are they now? Fine.
189
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:30,020
Well, what about we do a, you know,
where are they now piece? People want to
190
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,660
know. What do you mean, where are we
now?
191
00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:34,640
Well, tell her we're here right now.
Well, you did the damn story, right,
192
00:10:35,540 --> 00:10:40,060
Until we get interested again, I'm
intriguing now, you damn dumb TV fix.
193
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,100
She is a bitch.
194
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:44,480
Hello?
195
00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:48,010
Yes, Nancy Grace, please. I don't see no
Ferris wheel down there. Shut your
196
00:10:48,010 --> 00:10:51,170
mouth. Don't give me no mess. Put Nancy
Grace on the line, please. Thank you.
197
00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:52,370
Wait a minute. Okay, fine.
198
00:10:52,730 --> 00:10:57,430
Tell Nancy Grace I didn't know who to
call. My baby Rusty's done gone again.
199
00:10:57,830 --> 00:10:58,830
Wait, Daddy. I'm right here.
200
00:11:00,670 --> 00:11:01,670
Yes,
201
00:11:03,370 --> 00:11:04,370
I'll hold.
17210
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