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00:00:10,689 --> 00:00:13,770
My dreams are all dead and buried.
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Sometimes I wish the sun would just
explode.
3
00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:23,570
When God comes and calls me to his
kingdom, I'll take all your friends and
4
00:00:23,570 --> 00:00:24,790
bitches when I go.
5
00:00:28,210 --> 00:00:29,210
My turn.
6
00:00:29,310 --> 00:00:31,530
Hey, old man. Hey, man, let me drive
that thing. Come on.
7
00:00:40,769 --> 00:00:46,930
Well, it was good while it lasted, I
guess. But, Sheriff, the Glory Hole is
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00:00:46,930 --> 00:00:51,890
pride and joy of Dougal County. Fellow
found an even older Glory Hole two towns
9
00:00:51,890 --> 00:00:55,490
over. Lord knows I ain't looking forward
to telling the tourism board about
10
00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:57,690
this. Such an elegant concept.
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00:00:58,070 --> 00:01:02,310
A simple, lonely hole to commemorate his
glory.
12
00:01:02,710 --> 00:01:05,950
Well, his name could have come up once
or twice there.
13
00:01:06,230 --> 00:01:08,110
Well, looky here.
14
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,410
They're going to throw a super gay
throwdown here in town.
15
00:01:12,690 --> 00:01:14,390
Super gay throwdown.
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00:01:14,770 --> 00:01:17,610
What's the meaning of this? Did somebody
say they were about to throw down?
17
00:01:18,270 --> 00:01:19,910
Damn it, did they throw down already?
18
00:01:20,170 --> 00:01:21,630
Tell me they ain't already throw down.
19
00:01:21,990 --> 00:01:25,430
Yeah, it's not that kind of throwdown,
Early. We're talking about some real
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00:01:25,430 --> 00:01:26,249
stuff here.
21
00:01:26,250 --> 00:01:31,210
Man on man, hairy baby BDSM, bottoms
acting like tops, tops acting like
22
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It's just the whole world gone topsy
-turvy. We must act now to turn back the
23
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:42,030
tide of homosexuality. Now, now,
Reverend. They got their constitutional
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00:01:42,030 --> 00:01:45,670
to get their freak on. Kind of like your
hate march every May, you know. Well,
25
00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:50,310
maybe we should do the hate march now
and run them out. Oh, that's a
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00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:52,190
springtime festivity, Reverend.
27
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,300
All them bloody mannequins against the
yellow poplars?
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00:01:55,780 --> 00:02:01,020
Well, something has to be done. We can't
stand by and let people do things we
29
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:04,240
don't approve of. Hell, let them go on
back to France where they was born. Oh,
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00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:07,480
now, believe me, man, I'm as sick about
this as y 'all are.
31
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,960
It's gonna take everything I got just to
keep my vomit down while I work out
32
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,600
this overflow parking situation.
33
00:02:14,060 --> 00:02:15,300
They can drive cars now?
34
00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:18,080
Oh, hell, they'll spread like a virus.
35
00:02:18,630 --> 00:02:20,170
I voted no on Prop 14.
36
00:02:20,530 --> 00:02:23,830
Yeah, well, that had nothing to do with
gay people getting driver's licenses.
37
00:02:24,190 --> 00:02:27,630
Well, what's the one about sterilizing
gay people so they don't have no more
38
00:02:27,630 --> 00:02:30,410
people? Well, that was the one that
doesn't exist, Early.
39
00:02:30,710 --> 00:02:34,270
Don't give me no trouble now, and I'll
look the other way on that meth lab
40
00:02:34,270 --> 00:02:35,009
you're running.
41
00:02:35,010 --> 00:02:36,390
What? Meth?
42
00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:41,310
That's Professor Kyler's liquid miracle
wake -up clarification will get thin and
43
00:02:41,310 --> 00:02:45,210
still stereo equipment stay up for four
days and lose your teeth, use tonic.
44
00:02:46,519 --> 00:02:49,120
There's a registered trademark, so don't
get no damn funny ideas.
45
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:55,860
Now, this here protectifying layer is
going to protect us in case any of them
46
00:02:55,860 --> 00:03:00,440
sodomizers break in here and try to have
a sax on us. You know, try to change us
47
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:01,299
into one of them.
48
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:03,420
I always thought they was born that way.
49
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:08,500
No, no, it's a choice. It's a gene. They
all got it. They willingly choose to be
50
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:09,560
discussed in earth and hell.
51
00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:15,290
Now, you think there's a realistic
possibility of some man -on -man in
52
00:03:15,470 --> 00:03:16,168
Hell, yes.
53
00:03:16,170 --> 00:03:18,170
Because I don't know if them barriers is
going to hold.
54
00:03:18,410 --> 00:03:20,150
Them old boys work out all the time.
55
00:03:21,930 --> 00:03:23,470
It's a game. On the porch.
56
00:03:28,490 --> 00:03:32,690
Hey, y 'all. Damn barricades. We've been
breached. Well, that's funny. I was
57
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:36,750
just coming up here to barricade you
guys in. I'd hate to see you get, you
58
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:38,750
mixed up in any ugly hate crimes
downtown.
59
00:03:39,070 --> 00:03:40,029
What the hell, Shep?
60
00:03:40,030 --> 00:03:42,850
Daddy says you ain't doing nothing to
stop this gay throwdown.
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00:03:43,130 --> 00:03:48,710
Rusty, you really think a rock -solid
man's man like me will let the gays take
62
00:03:48,710 --> 00:03:49,710
over?
63
00:03:49,950 --> 00:03:55,810
Son, this is a sting operation, plain
and simple. I'm gonna smoke them out and
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00:03:55,810 --> 00:04:02,070
lock them up. Ooh, and some kind of
bondage scenario that maybe I could link
65
00:04:02,070 --> 00:04:03,070
on the webcam?
66
00:04:03,650 --> 00:04:06,570
Well, why are you so concerned if you
don't mind me asking, Granny?
67
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,680
You wouldn't be homopositive yourself
now, would you? No. Damn.
68
00:04:10,980 --> 00:04:12,420
Granny's a gaffer. Thank you.
69
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:16,279
All these years, using grandpappy as a
beard. Shame on you and your
70
00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:18,060
disgustedness. I had babies.
71
00:04:18,420 --> 00:04:21,140
Well, what were you listening to when
you conceived them babies?
72
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:22,600
The indigo girls?
73
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:24,920
Up here.
74
00:04:25,180 --> 00:04:26,620
You know, you all right, Sheriff.
75
00:04:26,940 --> 00:04:30,280
A straight shooter. You hate what you
fear, and you fear what you don't
76
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,520
understand. Hell, the way it ought to
be. That's right.
77
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:35,320
I'm going to get them gays in my hands.
78
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:39,100
And I'm gonna, I'm gonna work them over.
79
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:42,640
Lock them up.
80
00:04:44,580 --> 00:04:46,560
Well, jail is the place for them.
81
00:04:46,780 --> 00:04:47,780
Yes, sir.
82
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,380
Gays. And the president.
83
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,200
Uh,
84
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,980
would it be all right if we didn't have
that date tonight? See, man, I'm a
85
00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:01,880
little headachy from that wine we brewed
in the toilet.
86
00:05:03,090 --> 00:05:06,330
Ooh, looks like you dropped your soap
way over here, Seaman.
87
00:05:07,470 --> 00:05:09,730
Let me just, uh, get the oil.
88
00:05:10,150 --> 00:05:12,810
No, wait a minute. It's Seaman's ass,
that's who.
89
00:05:13,050 --> 00:05:14,050
Hey, Daddy. Daddy.
90
00:05:14,850 --> 00:05:18,490
I just want one damn shower without the
touchy -touch.
91
00:05:20,110 --> 00:05:21,110
Uh,
92
00:05:22,290 --> 00:05:23,290
I was just kidding.
93
00:05:24,170 --> 00:05:25,170
Ow, damn.
94
00:05:25,390 --> 00:05:26,850
Why'd you do that? Because I'm a man.
95
00:05:27,170 --> 00:05:30,350
Yeah, well, early sting operation could
get hairy.
96
00:05:30,850 --> 00:05:31,850
Really hairy.
97
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,060
That's why I got the Brazilian here, you
know.
98
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,480
Come on, Lil.
99
00:05:36,700 --> 00:05:37,599
Let's go.
100
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:38,259
Hang on.
101
00:05:38,260 --> 00:05:40,820
I got to put some base makeup on my G
-Wart.
102
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:42,540
Good ask you, Sheriff.
103
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,160
What you want with that bitch?
104
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,020
Yeah, you ain't got to buy the cow.
105
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,300
Milk's free back there.
106
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:52,340
Rusty, I've always fancied your aunt.
Granny, where's my rubber's at? It's
107
00:05:52,340 --> 00:05:55,980
never the right time for me to take her,
Corton, you know.
108
00:05:56,980 --> 00:06:00,740
Corton, come on, Lil. We've got to go.
It's already started.
109
00:06:01,420 --> 00:06:03,280
Can't we just knock this out of here?
110
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:05,060
Here, put him on the car. Let's go.
111
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:11,340
Let the Lord be your top.
112
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:16,400
Let him fill your heart with the gayness
that is his love.
113
00:06:16,980 --> 00:06:19,460
There's nothing queer about loving
Jesus.
114
00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:21,920
You know how this works.
115
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,700
You keep the beer and the smokes coming,
we'll go out to your car around nine,
116
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:30,200
do what we do, and you get me home in
time for cheaters. Hmm, nobody's here
117
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,090
Yeah, it's early, though.
118
00:06:32,290 --> 00:06:33,670
Hope the word got out.
119
00:06:44,130 --> 00:06:46,090
Look at that virgin.
120
00:06:46,750 --> 00:06:48,990
Yeah, what a freak.
121
00:06:49,270 --> 00:06:50,610
Hey, mama's boy.
122
00:06:52,470 --> 00:06:54,370
I bet he's their ringleader.
123
00:06:54,590 --> 00:06:56,150
The main gay.
124
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,500
I better keep a pretty close eye on him.
125
00:06:59,740 --> 00:07:00,860
Hey, where are you going?
126
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:04,680
Officer in pursuit. Don't you stick me
with this hat. Welcome to our town,
127
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:05,760
stranger.
128
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:11,240
Sheriff, what are you doing?
129
00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:12,880
Don't blow my cover.
130
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:21,480
If this thing's gonna work, I need to
walk this disgusting walk of theirs.
131
00:07:23,740 --> 00:07:25,940
He's undercover, Rusty. It's okay to
watch.
132
00:07:30,460 --> 00:07:32,140
Oh, we've got him fooled, all right.
133
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:40,180
Okay, I think the mustache is tangled.
134
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,940
You're under arrest. There we go. For
entrapping... Take him down.
135
00:07:46,660 --> 00:07:48,020
...of my heart. What?
136
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,180
You have the right to remain handsome.
Anything you say can and will be used in
137
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,680
the greeting card on the date of our
anniversary. No! No!
138
00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:58,150
Reverend, get in here and get that gay
demon out of here! him before it yanks
139
00:07:58,150 --> 00:08:02,990
him down to the depths of the deepest
hell. Oh, queer demon of gayness, show
140
00:08:02,990 --> 00:08:07,990
thyself. Yeah, come on out, you sulfate
-free cabernet -drinking doily weaver. I
141
00:08:07,990 --> 00:08:13,330
command you to leave this upstanding
officer of the law, thus allowing him to
142
00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:16,970
lead the life of a normal missionary
position assuming God -fearing, non
143
00:08:16,970 --> 00:08:19,070
-sinning heterosexual breeder.
144
00:08:19,390 --> 00:08:20,390
Come out!
145
00:08:20,690 --> 00:08:23,850
Come out! Reverend, this is 2009.
146
00:08:24,290 --> 00:08:25,290
Give it a rest.
147
00:08:25,790 --> 00:08:26,790
I
148
00:08:30,660 --> 00:08:34,840
Please, girl, you think I like living in
this guy. Honey, the way he keeps me
149
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,520
packed down inside, it's a trauma.
150
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:40,159
It takes five years before the man will
even think about acknowledging me.
151
00:08:41,460 --> 00:08:45,340
There he is, Maude. Todd, what's going
on? One day you say you're going to the
152
00:08:45,340 --> 00:08:48,400
fourth ring of hell to play kickball
with John Wilkes Booth's soul, and
153
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,580
the last we hear from you.
154
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:55,260
Mom, Dad, I'm, uh, I'm gay.
155
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,260
Uh, yeah, son. We know.
156
00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:02,960
Honey, the rainbow flag stickers on your
miata, the tight t -shirts, the carbo
157
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:06,300
-loading, the deep dish CDs, your
boyfriend that lives at the house and
158
00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:07,660
in the same twin bed with you.
159
00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:08,699
Oh, hey!
160
00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:11,060
I'm just a foreign exchange student from
Germany.
161
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,040
Oh, jeez. All right, fine. Todd, our
lovers.
162
00:09:15,260 --> 00:09:21,880
In the name of Jesus, I command you to
leave this man and return to the fiery
163
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,990
depths! of San Francisco.
164
00:09:24,450 --> 00:09:25,450
Okay, fine.
165
00:09:26,790 --> 00:09:27,790
That's okay, champ.
166
00:09:28,030 --> 00:09:30,490
Your old man was gay when he was your
age, too.
167
00:09:30,710 --> 00:09:31,669
You were?
168
00:09:31,670 --> 00:09:32,589
You bet.
169
00:09:32,590 --> 00:09:37,310
But thanks to electroshock therapy, I'm
as straight as the erection I currently
170
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:38,390
have for your mother.
171
00:09:38,930 --> 00:09:43,150
Now, come on, gang. Let's all go home to
hell and have group sex to show how
172
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:44,150
much we love each other.
173
00:09:47,130 --> 00:09:49,910
Well, my work here is done.
174
00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:52,140
Oh, Chef, you ain't gay no more.
175
00:09:52,340 --> 00:09:53,340
Back in line with Christ.
176
00:09:54,440 --> 00:10:00,700
I don't know what all that was about,
Rusty, but what I do know is that...
177
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:05,460
Roger. Roger and I are going to move to
Stanford, Connecticut.
178
00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:08,100
Oh, God, they're Yankees now.
179
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:13,560
No, it's just that it's legal for people
like us to drive cars there.
180
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:16,780
You okay, Daddy?
181
00:10:17,260 --> 00:10:18,260
Yes, Rusty.
182
00:10:18,750 --> 00:10:20,650
I'm in a good place on this whole
situation.
183
00:10:21,130 --> 00:10:26,330
While I may not understand or approve of
or accept the disgusting lifestyle
184
00:10:26,330 --> 00:10:29,510
choice the sheriff has made, he's moved
away now.
185
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,190
Far away from me.
186
00:10:31,410 --> 00:10:33,870
And I've gotten to where I don't even
think about it.
187
00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:37,610
How about this one now? Are you out of
your mind? Next row. Get that gimpy
188
00:10:37,610 --> 00:10:38,910
fella. What, this one?
189
00:10:39,130 --> 00:10:40,130
Yeah, I can handle him.
190
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,930
Just gotta do a little batting here.
191
00:10:43,090 --> 00:10:44,270
Let's see here.
192
00:10:44,730 --> 00:10:45,870
Sexual preference?
193
00:10:46,790 --> 00:10:48,970
I like women. Cut him down! Woo!
194
00:10:52,290 --> 00:10:53,370
Dougal County got a...
16162
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