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1
00:00:05,349 --> 00:00:08,910
Get your Yankee ass off my property.
2
00:00:10,430 --> 00:00:13,910
Don't care if the bank gave you a deed.
3
00:00:15,810 --> 00:00:19,050
This one's been kind of lame for
generations.
4
00:00:20,790 --> 00:00:24,290
Since we beat back them sneaky Japanese.
5
00:00:25,110 --> 00:00:28,770
In the war of 1812, bring our boys home.
6
00:00:29,110 --> 00:00:31,450
Hey, hold on. Hey, man, let me drive
that thing. Come on.
7
00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:33,140
the trim.
8
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:39,900
Once upon a time, I had me a tattoo what
said Crystal Forever.
9
00:00:40,780 --> 00:00:44,580
But then the fat bitch run around on me,
so I changed it to Crystal Whore Ever.
10
00:00:45,380 --> 00:00:49,400
But I decided to work it out for the
kids, so I lasered it to Crystal Whore
11
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:54,480
Never. But then I catch her a -banging
the corn dog man out by the tilt of her.
12
00:00:54,620 --> 00:00:59,060
So I made it Crystal Whore, comma, never
gonna turn my heart out again.
13
00:00:59,550 --> 00:01:03,330
But she come a -crying back, and Lord
help me, I believe her. So I made it
14
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:06,470
crystal for her, never gonna tear my
heart out again, is something I would
15
00:01:06,470 --> 00:01:07,469
said in the past.
16
00:01:07,470 --> 00:01:10,870
But now we're together, ain't nothing
gonna stop us now, cause this time it's
17
00:01:10,870 --> 00:01:11,429
for real.
18
00:01:11,430 --> 00:01:15,170
And meanwhile, she's a -whispering sweet
nothings into that sumbitchin' tattoo
19
00:01:15,170 --> 00:01:16,170
man's ears.
20
00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:17,750
Fool me once, came on you.
21
00:01:18,010 --> 00:01:19,910
Fool me twice, I fool you.
22
00:01:20,270 --> 00:01:22,190
I cut off my damn legs. Woo!
23
00:01:22,510 --> 00:01:24,570
And that's why you click disability in
there.
24
00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:27,590
They didn't draft you to command
Operation Desert Storm? Because I wanted
25
00:01:27,590 --> 00:01:30,810
stop with the A -Rabs. Not with old
Europe just sitting there with her fat
26
00:01:30,810 --> 00:01:32,130
hanging out like a damn peach.
27
00:01:32,790 --> 00:01:33,749
The end.
28
00:01:33,750 --> 00:01:37,010
All right, son. Lights out. Wait, Daddy.
Tell me the one about the copperhead.
29
00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:38,890
Ah, yes.
30
00:01:39,190 --> 00:01:42,110
Once upon a time, a copperhead bit my
eye.
31
00:01:42,750 --> 00:01:43,689
Total darkness.
32
00:01:43,690 --> 00:01:44,529
The end.
33
00:01:44,530 --> 00:01:45,530
That's a good story.
34
00:01:45,750 --> 00:01:48,450
All right, son. Lights out. I want one
more story, Daddy. Please.
35
00:01:48,690 --> 00:01:50,290
Which one you want? Tattoo or
copperhead?
36
00:01:50,790 --> 00:01:52,950
What if you actually read me one, Daddy?
Rhett!
37
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,180
From a book?
38
00:01:54,220 --> 00:01:58,580
Don't you knock never talk no damn books
under this roof. Knock now, knock
39
00:01:58,580 --> 00:02:00,040
never, ever, no, hell no.
40
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:03,540
Honey, somebody in this family ought to
be able to read.
41
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,200
We're leaving these meds up to chance.
42
00:02:06,620 --> 00:02:11,580
I've been swallowing the blue ones and
shoving the big ones up my butthole.
43
00:02:11,820 --> 00:02:13,740
Get that out of your ass.
44
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,260
You know I only do my whittling in the
soft white light.
45
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:21,000
Listen here. Friends don't never not
done nothing for not nobody.
46
00:02:21,460 --> 00:02:22,820
I think you mean not nonebody.
47
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,320
Excuse me, not nonebody. Never not no
one.
48
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:31,180
Didn't about no reason, not never. And
by God, they never not ain't gonna will.
49
00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:35,500
Now, if y 'all will excuse me, I'll be
stepping out to the jiggle hut to get me
50
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:37,560
some whang dang sweet boom tang.
51
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:40,660
Oh, you're gonna get a lot of play with
that hat.
52
00:02:40,980 --> 00:02:43,420
I seen the colors and I had to steal it.
I'm outtie.
53
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:44,760
You babysit.
54
00:02:45,470 --> 00:02:46,910
Now, about that poo time.
55
00:02:48,670 --> 00:02:53,970
Russell, do you want to help me pray so
my diabetes don't take me while I
56
00:02:53,970 --> 00:02:55,830
slumber? Yeah, sure, Granny.
57
00:02:57,170 --> 00:03:00,390
I really dodged a bullet last night.
Wait a minute, Granny.
58
00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:05,050
That ain't a book, is it? Are you trying
to earn me a beatdown?
59
00:03:05,270 --> 00:03:09,110
Oh, hell, I got a next problem. Oh, come
on, Granny, it's just teen people.
60
00:03:09,350 --> 00:03:13,830
Soon you move on to regular people, then
Red Book, and the next thing you
61
00:03:13,830 --> 00:03:18,400
know... It's after midnight and you're
giggling under your covers with the
62
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,040
sisterhood of the traveling pants.
63
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:24,200
No, I will not sit here and watch you
destroy yourself.
64
00:03:24,780 --> 00:03:25,780
Where are you going, Granny?
65
00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:28,060
What?
66
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:29,720
I have a condition.
67
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,780
I ship out in the morning. I'm sorry,
but it's my duty.
68
00:03:35,060 --> 00:03:36,300
What about your duty to me?
69
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,520
I love you.
70
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,420
Don't say those words. Don't ever say
those words.
71
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,920
We'll polish off those krauts and I'll
be back in the fall.
72
00:03:43,470 --> 00:03:44,950
We'll have our whole future ahead of us.
73
00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:46,590
Remember me.
74
00:03:48,610 --> 00:03:50,650
Stop glazing your knuckles and get out
here.
75
00:03:50,890 --> 00:03:54,370
Hold on. Don't open the door. Hold on. I
know it's perfectly natural, but you've
76
00:03:54,370 --> 00:03:56,870
been in there too damn long, so you
ain't doing it right. I got to go.
77
00:03:57,310 --> 00:03:59,710
Better not leave no egg food young on
the back of that. Okay.
78
00:04:00,590 --> 00:04:01,590
Wait a minute now.
79
00:04:01,970 --> 00:04:03,170
Where are you going with that toilet
paper?
80
00:04:03,430 --> 00:04:04,470
Oh, this here? Uh -uh.
81
00:04:06,190 --> 00:04:08,890
Yeah, you might want to wipe with
anything up to page 80.
82
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:13,460
Up to the dog ear? Oh, no. I find that
the back pages are the softest. Oh,
83
00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:16,320
You know, around a day or two more. Hey,
man, I got a make.
84
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,839
Are you sure you wouldn't rather try a
team people or something? No, too slick.
85
00:04:20,579 --> 00:04:23,060
Besides, I've been waiting for this one
to come out in paperback.
86
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:27,920
For paper in my back. Please don't wipe
with that. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I ain't
87
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:28,879
gonna wipe with it.
88
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,440
This ain't fit for my face. Oh, I knew
it.
89
00:04:31,740 --> 00:04:32,840
You reading, son?
90
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:41,580
I guess Rusty's been reading again. I'm
handling it. Same thing the curiosity
91
00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:43,760
knows. Simple outpatient procedure.
92
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,260
There ain't nothing wrong with reading.
93
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:46,720
Why don't you try it sometime?
94
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:48,080
I did try it.
95
00:04:48,220 --> 00:04:49,260
Green eggs?
96
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:51,100
Implausible!
97
00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:54,020
Early, it's a children's book.
98
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:55,420
Green eggs and ham.
99
00:04:55,740 --> 00:04:56,740
And ham?
100
00:04:56,860 --> 00:05:02,220
Elitist! New York Jewocracy telling the
countryman how to eat his own breakfast.
101
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:03,340
I ain't gotta read anyhow.
102
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,700
I got this here college degree to fall
back on. Go Seminole!
103
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,800
Daddy, that's a placemat from the
University of Pancakes. Well, I only
104
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:11,719
in hotcakes.
105
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:15,660
My major was in country gravy. Oh, now,
they're just books, people. You can have
106
00:05:15,660 --> 00:05:20,080
adventures like you'd never be able to
afford. Like this one here about a
107
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,720
killer that makes his victims into a
skin suit.
108
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,960
What color is the skin suit?
109
00:05:25,340 --> 00:05:29,680
Yeah, that's a valid question. Y 'all
really need to give it a rest. The book
110
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:30,680
fair starts tomorrow.
111
00:05:30,980 --> 00:05:31,980
Y 'all come on down.
112
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,440
Dean Coots is reading from his new
paperback, Death.
113
00:05:36,140 --> 00:05:37,140
Dead again.
114
00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:40,580
One more time. Okay, then. Sounds like a
blast.
115
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:41,959
Oh, yeah.
116
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,380
A real blast.
117
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,980
All right.
118
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:51,220
You know, I never know how to quite read
you on comments like that. A real
119
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:52,220
blast.
120
00:05:54,380 --> 00:05:58,540
I guess I'll take it on face value and
see you there.
121
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,560
You think you got what I meant about the
blast?
122
00:06:05,150 --> 00:06:06,670
about how I focused on blast.
123
00:06:06,970 --> 00:06:10,910
I tried to put blast in quotes,
emphasizing the blast.
124
00:06:12,190 --> 00:06:14,050
What did you mean about the blast?
125
00:06:17,470 --> 00:06:22,090
Oh, now I see what you're doing. The
blast is the bomb.
126
00:06:22,830 --> 00:06:26,250
Come on now, Daddy, you ain't got to do
this. Well, it's black or white with
127
00:06:26,250 --> 00:06:32,110
that one. Me, I don't care to read, so I
just don't do it. Geez, I don't like
128
00:06:32,110 --> 00:06:36,780
books. I'm wanting to blow me up a
buck's bear. Yep, nitroglycerin. That's
129
00:06:36,780 --> 00:06:38,440
current motif in much of my work.
130
00:06:39,780 --> 00:06:43,080
Y 'all at least write a manifesto. Tell
them why you're doing it. So they can
131
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:44,140
read that? No.
132
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:48,540
That plays right into their damn game,
Rusty. Oh, I got just one word for them
133
00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:49,540
people.
134
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,400
Kaboom!
135
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:56,780
And with that, the zombie's head fell to
the ground with a thickening thud.
136
00:06:57,220 --> 00:06:59,100
Death. Dead again.
137
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:00,940
One more time.
138
00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:05,000
Thank you. Does anyone have any
questions?
139
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,400
So was that zombie actually dead?
140
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:13,380
Yeah. I think I covered that in the last
sentence. Anyone else? In a way, Jesus
141
00:07:13,380 --> 00:07:14,720
was a zombie.
142
00:07:15,220 --> 00:07:20,840
Perhaps if we alter this book slightly,
pin the Lord on a frame -feeding... No,
143
00:07:20,860 --> 00:07:24,960
I don't know. My book is a work of
fiction. Oh, they've said the same thing
144
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,000
about mine. Okay, it's been great. Thank
you, Eric.
145
00:07:27,340 --> 00:07:31,000
Actually, Mr. Coons, I believe we still
have the signing to do.
146
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,140
Then you'll take the ankle bracelet off?
147
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:39,140
Well, we'll certainly discuss it. I'm
here to meet Dean Koontz.
148
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,200
I want him to find my bomb.
149
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:48,260
Got it, yeah.
150
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,220
Metamorphosis is complete, he cried as
he slowly ascended to his hovercraft.
151
00:07:53,460 --> 00:07:54,439
Howdy, partner.
152
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,440
Appaloosa Slim!
153
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:19,680
What do you want from me? They say it's
real life. I mean,
154
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:20,700
that son of a bitch is crazy.
155
00:08:24,110 --> 00:08:25,089
What's he saying?
156
00:08:25,090 --> 00:08:28,590
Nothing relevant. He's a freaking whale.
Go save the book fair, son.
157
00:08:28,930 --> 00:08:34,049
Before we part, hold us tight, remote
work.
158
00:08:34,350 --> 00:08:38,090
Surely this is not the television.
Adventures in your mind.
159
00:08:39,289 --> 00:08:43,590
Guys, I'm starting to freak out. Can
someone get the mask off?
160
00:08:45,990 --> 00:08:47,970
I'll do my role later.
161
00:08:51,199 --> 00:08:55,680
Okay. Who should I make this out to?
Could you just write, vengeance is mine?
162
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,080
Certainly.
163
00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:59,060
Vengeance is mine.
164
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,520
Hello. Where are you?
165
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,120
Come on.
166
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:06,320
Let's go.
167
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,420
Damn it. That's the bait. Do something.
168
00:09:10,620 --> 00:09:11,620
Damn it.
169
00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:13,720
Trying to blow this up?
170
00:09:13,940 --> 00:09:16,940
Damn. How'd you find me? I just followed
these wires.
171
00:09:17,470 --> 00:09:20,970
Which are strings, and that's not a
detonator, it's a bicycle pump.
172
00:09:21,730 --> 00:09:27,030
Oh, Dean Koontz, my budgetary
limitations come back to haunt me. You
173
00:09:27,030 --> 00:09:30,710
Black Panthers have published a
wonderful series of books on
174
00:09:30,710 --> 00:09:34,670
government. It's got a fully illustrated
section on incendiary devices. Well, I
175
00:09:34,670 --> 00:09:35,670
ain't reading it.
176
00:09:36,830 --> 00:09:37,830
Ain't?
177
00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:39,570
Or can't?
178
00:09:41,690 --> 00:09:45,070
Can't. It's my private shame.
179
00:09:45,430 --> 00:09:46,590
It's all right, Hurley.
180
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,280
I can't read either.
181
00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:52,900
Well, what about all them books you done
scribbled up? I just randomly type
182
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:56,040
letters. If a word looks too long, I'll
just hit the space bar.
183
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:58,000
So I'm not alone?
184
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:02,720
Not at all. If you had favorite authors,
you'd know that many of them can't read
185
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:08,900
either. Mark Twain, Jack Kerouac, Robert
Ludlam, none of them can read. Well, if
186
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:13,000
y 'all want to learn how to read, look
no further than good old Sheriff Snee
187
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,000
here.
188
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:20,510
Bill will climb up the hill.
189
00:10:21,090 --> 00:10:23,070
But where is Claire?
190
00:10:24,570 --> 00:10:31,270
Over the... Over the... Over the...
That's right,
191
00:10:31,390 --> 00:10:35,750
Early. Very good. I'm reading, baby.
Come on now, Dean. Get you one.
192
00:10:37,550 --> 00:10:39,190
Dean? Dean?
193
00:10:40,010 --> 00:10:41,530
Oh, God, no.
194
00:10:43,870 --> 00:10:49,210
Yay, I saved... a book fair, just like
you said to. Yes, you did, and you asked
195
00:10:49,210 --> 00:10:50,210
it alone.
196
00:10:51,490 --> 00:10:53,550
The bed of offices is complete.
197
00:10:53,930 --> 00:10:55,330
Through the hovercraft!
16294
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