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1
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My oldest son was born in Alabama.
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My youngest is stubborn in hair.
3
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The middle one says he's homosexual.
4
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The other seven's gone. I don't know
where and I don't care.
5
00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:28,340
I just don't care.
6
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,560
Hey, man, let me drive that thing. Come
on. Don't touch the tram.
7
00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:43,700
Here we go. Now, everybody watch out.
You're going to need an extra couple of
8
00:00:43,700 --> 00:00:46,660
sets of hands to get that thing on
board. Now, lookie there. They are
9
00:00:46,660 --> 00:00:47,900
that thing with drive.
10
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:49,860
Now, this road spurts your 400.
11
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Is it too much to ask for just one
flaming pileup?
12
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Another soda, Granny!
13
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There you go.
14
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That is gross, Granny. Give her a
handful of these.
15
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What are them? I don't know, but she'll
need to chase it with this.
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I'll break off a little bit of this one,
too, or else she'll be paranoid as
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hell. That blue one's gonna make her
crazy strong.
18
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So, you better tie her up.
19
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Ah, she'll be fine.
20
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Another soda, Granny!
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Come on, wake up now. Let her sleep it
off. Daddy, she ain't breathing none.
22
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A man gets to watch one damn race all
the way through just one time in his
23
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Daddy, I think we ought to call it 9 -1
-1.
24
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Well, go on then.
25
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9 -1 -1! Right here! 9 -1 -1!
26
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9 -1 -1!
27
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Leo, fetch that respirator.
28
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No response.
29
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Damn bureaucrat!
30
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Hello.
31
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No, I said right at the third stump.
32
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Is that the basher? Hold on. I said the
big stump.
33
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I know you think that's big, but trust
me, there's a bigger one coming.
34
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Yes, and then the Yui at the dead leaf.
35
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Listen here now.
36
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That sumbitchin' pizza pie better be hot
as hell when it gets here. And you best
37
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have the free psycho bread, what come
with it. Can we call the doctor on that?
38
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All right, son.
39
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Emergencies only.
40
00:02:40,180 --> 00:02:42,340
Uh, Daddy, what you doing with all
granny's stuff?
41
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,820
We all have our own way of grieving,
son.
42
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I know you want it this way.
43
00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:53,080
So, let's see. We have...
44
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McFlyed cans of powdered milk. Uh -huh.
Provision for a race war. Bertram
45
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centerfold driftwood lacquered clock.
46
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Abandoned in his prime.
47
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And a Burger Lord special edition cock
Johnson Jumbo refilled soda mug.
48
00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:10,480
45MT. Was a set of four, but I broke the
other three, emphasizing a point to my
49
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:14,760
boy here. Okay, I see absolutely nothing
of worth here. You a damn fool!
50
00:03:15,220 --> 00:03:17,280
Now look at this damn joke on public TV!
51
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Suck it on the federal TV! That's what
you're doing! You're doing what I'm
52
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doing!
53
00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:24,480
Wait a minute. What are these?
54
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Them griblins? Please.
55
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Words ain't never done nothing for
nobody.
56
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,120
Sweet praise. This is amazing.
57
00:03:30,540 --> 00:03:36,020
It appears to be a correspondence
between one Ruby Jean Kyler and
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General Robert E. Lee. These letters
must be worth at least $300.
59
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Hold on now.
60
00:03:43,940 --> 00:03:46,860
You're going to have to pony up more
than that, Hoss. All right.
61
00:03:47,220 --> 00:03:50,660
How about some free Dan Halen brand
alger? Done.
62
00:03:53,840 --> 00:04:00,140
My dear Ruby Jean, it was either the
giant panda or me. I can assure you that
63
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:02,180
murdering him was no easy task.
64
00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:07,140
I would be so honored if you were to sew
your wedding gown from the enclosed
65
00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:08,140
side.
66
00:04:09,340 --> 00:04:15,580
The beatings we received at the hands of
our cruel Negro masters are as unjust
67
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as they are unjustifiable.
68
00:04:18,180 --> 00:04:19,480
For law!
69
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:24,980
The turkey is good.
70
00:04:25,380 --> 00:04:28,440
Give me some of that. Can I have some of
that? I'd love to, but this needs to
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00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:29,440
last me.
72
00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:37,580
Praise God Almighty for sending an army
of our finest space brothers to help us
73
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push back the Union devils.
74
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:44,400
I dined with them in their most wondrous
spacecraft.
75
00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:49,760
You have not lived until you've tried
what is called a hutted dog.
76
00:04:51,370 --> 00:04:55,630
My media won't tell you this. That's why
you got to look to the blogger. I was
77
00:04:55,630 --> 00:05:00,650
coronated on this day as emperor of
these confederate states of America.
78
00:05:04,230 --> 00:05:05,370
Now I'm dead.
79
00:05:06,370 --> 00:05:12,970
My dearest Ruby Jane, I vow to return to
you one day and raise you from your
80
00:05:12,970 --> 00:05:17,850
deathless slumber in a lovemaking
session the likes of which Dougal County
81
00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:18,850
never seen.
82
00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:23,840
I will cover every square inch of your
body in molasses, starting at the tip of
83
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:24,840
your tentacles.
84
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,560
Okay, let's fight forward.
85
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:31,300
The torpedo will leave my marimax. More
forward.
86
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,660
And I will bomb your fourth sun to
repeat it.
87
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,040
I'll penetrate your defenses.
88
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:40,380
Keep going.
89
00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:44,540
And my bombs will burst in your air.
More.
90
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:49,840
And then my South will rise again and
again and again.
91
00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,060
More.
92
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:56,380
Further, further.
93
00:05:58,820 --> 00:05:59,820
Keep going.
94
00:06:02,020 --> 00:06:05,280
All right. There you go. With my tongue.
95
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,960
Thank you for visiting the Museum of the
True South.
96
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,960
To learn more about the exploits of
General Robert E. Lee and his beloved
97
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:18,500
Jean, Pay $9 and go through the museum
again, but this time concentrate.
98
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:23,200
Now, proceed to the gift shop and buy a
worthless trinket to celebrate your
99
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,200
pathetic heritage.
100
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:26,880
Thank you.
101
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,060
Granny, Granny, Granny.
102
00:06:34,540 --> 00:06:35,540
Thank you.
103
00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:38,200
Oh, is she still here, Granny?
104
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:40,860
She's in a better place now, son.
105
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:42,960
Up there.
106
00:06:43,630 --> 00:06:44,850
By the snack bar.
107
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Wow. I wish Granny were alive to see
this.
108
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,430
Let sleeping dogs lie, son.
109
00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:55,230
But Daddy, them letters from that old
boy Lee, didn't they say he could make
110
00:06:55,230 --> 00:06:56,610
love to her and break that coma?
111
00:06:56,930 --> 00:06:59,870
Let the sleeping dogs lie, boy. I don't
know, Early.
112
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:03,520
Sounds like a plan to me. Well, let's
let them sleeping dogs lie. If we can
113
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:07,700
raise General Lee up from the dead and
have him make some furious love to your
114
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,720
grandmama, well, that might wake her up
and get her out of the coma. Well, get
115
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:15,320
me some. He's right. And we'll put the
whole thing on pay -per -view.
116
00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:17,380
We'll pull a three -share.
117
00:07:17,660 --> 00:07:20,180
Oh, some good old crunchy gravy on my
bit.
118
00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:26,640
Thank you, now. Thank you.
119
00:07:34,380 --> 00:07:36,220
This thing here says it's Grant's tomb.
120
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:37,540
Ah, irony.
121
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:38,940
Go ahead, Sheriff.
122
00:07:39,180 --> 00:07:40,180
Con to the spirit.
123
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:44,720
I'd like to thank Denise.
124
00:07:45,180 --> 00:07:49,240
Your love allowed me to write this book.
No, no, not the acknowledgments.
125
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,500
So you want to learn to raise the dead.
126
00:07:56,220 --> 00:07:59,020
Resurrecting can be an enjoyable and
fulfilling hobby.
127
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:00,680
No, no, it's on page 42.
128
00:08:01,420 --> 00:08:04,320
Look to the mark. I marked it there in
goat's blood.
129
00:08:24,940 --> 00:08:31,720
Rise up and make furious love to the
sagging, bed -sore -ridden, stinky,
130
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:37,000
varicose -vein -laden, mole -encrusted
woman. I see you hiding down there.
131
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,280
Get on out here.
132
00:08:38,679 --> 00:08:44,220
Aha. Yeah, all right then. How do y 'all
know that now? Come on now. You
133
00:08:44,220 --> 00:08:45,680
cornhole my grandmama over there.
134
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:48,680
About that, yeah.
135
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:54,060
I grievously regret I'm not yet ready to
date again.
136
00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:59,300
I would not be good for anyone right
now. It's not her.
137
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:00,680
It's me.
138
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,800
Hey, ma 'am, but this is your long -lost
love, Ruby Jane.
139
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,660
That there is a woman here, yes.
140
00:09:08,140 --> 00:09:12,700
No, I really never thought about it. I
ain't never seen her. Uh,
141
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,700
yeah, if you say so.
142
00:09:16,060 --> 00:09:19,300
Son, I've not many a yellow sash fool.
143
00:09:19,540 --> 00:09:23,820
In tally of the fine southern tale I
have tagged and bagged.
144
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:29,740
However, I ne 'er recall a ruby jean.
Well, maybe if you just take a closer
145
00:09:29,740 --> 00:09:35,580
over, you'll remember all that love he
shared and the chemistry and the love
146
00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:39,960
bond and everything. I think I would
recall sheathing my saber into a land
147
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:45,080
-dwelling cephalopod such as... Is that
what that is? So what you're saying,
148
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,900
then, is that these letters are forgery!
149
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,400
Later days.
150
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,760
I should put it together.
151
00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:01,840
The copious references to nature boy Ric
Flair and former Black Crowes bassist
152
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:02,840
Johnny Cole.
153
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:05,780
Hell, Halen, they're written on waffle
bar napkin.
154
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:08,120
Well, it's my analytical mind!
155
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,180
The granny's faking the whole time?
156
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,340
You know how it is. Somebody gotta get
him some strange on a Saturday night.
157
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:14,900
You reckon we ought to tell the sheriff?
158
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,440
Nope. What's that sumbitch ever done for
us?
159
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,440
You have to leave.
160
00:10:20,380 --> 00:10:22,760
Well, I... What do you got going on
Tuesday?
161
00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:27,740
You know, I'm probably... I'm bringing
some lunch down to the station. I've
162
00:10:27,740 --> 00:10:29,760
already made my sandwich for the week.
163
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:38,380
Yeah. But I've had a really great time.
Maybe we should exchange numbers.
164
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,300
Yeah, maybe so.
165
00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:41,860
Wait.
166
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,360
Don't remember me, bye.
167
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:46,800
Yeah, okay.
168
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:48,520
Thank you.
169
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:21,780
Go ahead.
13777
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