All language subtitles for squidbillies_s03e14_gimmicky_magazine

Entrepreneur, restaurateur, a short
badger -like tycoon with so much money

bought the word money.

Dan Halen is all of these things.

We caught up with Halen at his in
-ground pool, inexplicably built in the

of a giant lake, which is itself a giant
above -ground pool.

Right now we are adrift on the North
Pole. I wanted future generations to

it in its pristine state here in
Georgia.

Putting a wave pool in there.

In the spring. And here we have Mecca.
Yes.

Millions of Muslims have no idea where
to turn.

It's really quite funny. Now, what's
this here?

The Blarningstone. Yes, I found that I
needed to luck more than the Irish.

Ah. So I just acquired that.

Melissa, you'll find that I'm a simple
man of simple taste.

Look. The sphinx has a booger.

An orange booger.

I'm delighted by this. You have an
impressive collection here.

But I would... And the moon, too. Did
you know that? Did I mention? The moon.

I own that.

That's mine.

It's impressive.

Yes, I put pandas up there. They said it
couldn't be done, and they were right,

it turned out. The pandas exploded.

Look, I'm not a scientist. I'm just a
man with a lot of money.

See that lamp?

That was once a human being.

I don't...

I don't want to tell you how to turn it
on. I don't know if we can say that on a

family program.

You have an estimated net worth of over
$5 billion.

What keeps you going?

Oh, Melissa, come now.

My team of five tailors sews my pants on
me one thread at a time, just like

everyone else.

But I notice you're not wearing pants.

You're sure about that?

Zoom in on this, right here.

Does that say...

Born to pork?

Oh, well, I'm glad you noticed.

It's from my exclusive line of tan man
body stencils. Halen's body stencils are

the newest moneymaker in an unstoppable
empire.

Now with comically mixed up letters.

Pimp your muffin top today.

You know I have.

If Dan Halen were any less successful,
he might not be able to indulge his

expensive taste, like his menagerie of
exotic pets.

Ah, hello, boy.

Wow. Allow me to introduce you. This is
Ken Griffin, Jr.

And that's an actual griffin from
mythology.

No, no, no. This is a griffindoodle.
They're more expensive than a purebred

griffin. But they're terrible with
children.

Now, shouldn't this fish be in a bowl?
If he were the one calling the shots,

yes, he would be in a bowl, I suppose.
Fat and happy.

But he's not.

Come on.

Moonwalk. Do the moonwalk for me.

There you go.

There you go.

There you go.

You see, I'm teaching him to equate
water with pain.

Someday we'll look back on it and laugh.

Some of us will.

Why do you think you have so many
enemies in the business world? Well, I

outside the box, Melissa, and I chart my
own course.

I'm American and I refuse to outsource.
The Japanese have a word.

Hanawana something.

I... well, I... I bought this sword in
Japan.

Critics point to Halen's affinity for
even more controversial business

practices, like undersourcing.

Melissa, listen.

The mole people had no future before I
came along. I brought them electricity,

taught them structure.

They had no elevator to the surface, for
example.

And they still don't. I think we'd
all... I think we'll all sleep a lot

with them not being able to get up here.

No!

And his controversial volcano fun camp
for winners.

I bring 40 underprivileged inner city
kids with no home, no education, no

future, to spend the summer in my
volcano.

Many of these kids would never even get
to see a volcano.

Now they get to be part of a real, live,
working volcano.

Come on, who wants second place?

Come on, get in there!

Local law enforcement has for years
turned a blind eye to Halen's

exploits. Well, he has brought a lot of
money into the county. If he's got to

bend a few laws of nature to, you know,
make a profit, well, who am I to say?

You're the sheriff.

Right? Well, someday, knock on wood, it
would be a great honor to serve under

Mr. Abrams. Here we go. Oh, come on. Oh,
shut up.

You'd be saying the same thing if it was
you, I guarantee it. Oh, you're just

kissing ass because you want to be
harvested next. Make me sick.

He's right. He loves the camera, that
guy, don't he, boy? Winters are so tough

out here.

Oh, no, the sleep fog. I said too much.

And then there's this.

Anything smaller just doesn't give me
the bounce and volume I require.

Mr. Halen, you call this a hair driery.
Some of your critics have referred to it

as a global warmery.

I'll have you know this whole plant runs
on clean, burning...

Styrofoam! But a whistleblower at the
plant told an even more disturbing

Hell, humor ain't so bad. Don't knock it
till you try it. Shield your eyes!

But there was another thing he said.
What?

Earlier.

You mean how I like that movie where
Brian Bosworth played a detective?

No, the very first thing. Oh, the one
where Brian Bosworth is playing a

motorcycle, right? No. That's the
animated thing?

No, no, the very first thing you said.

Remember, it was about the children?

Oh, about how everyone else working here
is a bunch of naked kids. It ain't such

a big deal. That's right.

Naked children.

Forced to work in unclosed conditions
for no pay.

Do you have anything you want to say to
the people about this?

Oh, Melissa, those aren't naked
children. They're... Listen, when I

this interview, I was under the
impression we'd be talking about my

work. Dan Hillen does have a cause about
which he feels passionately.

Helping people who, like him, were born
without needs.

I never let it stop me from living my
life.

Every morning, I get up and do 50 squat
thrusts.

One. And so, in conclusion, don't allow
your spirit to bend because your knees

will not. For I say to thee, one born
without knees kneels before no man.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. But on the other hand, I do
have feet. Who allowed this freak in

here? Find your own charity, footman.

As influential as he is, surprisingly
little is known about Halen's past, even

by his neighbors and employees.

Yeah, I know about Dan Halen. He was an
ornery fella, chattering up in a tree

all taunting -like, cheeks all puffed up
and wally nuts and whatnot.

I took aim at him with my pellet gun,
blasted the tar out of him.

Are you sure you're not talking about
that stuffed squirrel over there?

Oh.

Well, you might be right about that now.
Is there anything you can say about Dan

Halen?

Hmm.

Um... The man who's been your boss for
the past 17 years?

Wally nuts.

Okay. I'm blasted the hell out of him. I
think we've got all we're going to get

here. We paid a visit to the Dan Halen
archives at Sheetrock Memorial

and were shocked at what we found.

Mr. Halen, take a look at this.

The Chicago Democratic Convention in
1968.

Ah, the 60s. I'll never forget them. I
believe that's you in the upper left

corner hitting someone with a chain.

I remember. I remember I made that guy
taste the chain.

Taste the chain, I said. Again and
again. Long after he was incapable of

anything. We found this in the archives
after the invasion of Poland.

We belong to the same gym.

I suppose you'll take that image out of
context and make it into something.

Here you are in Berlin in 1926.

So I used to be a transvestite cabaret
host.

You have a point with this?

According to our research, Dan Halen has
apparently existed throughout recorded

history. Everyone tortured political
prisoners during the medieval era.

This sacrifice led to plenty of rain.
The maize crop that year was wonderful.

I was taking the nail out. I was trying
to help the man.

Well, it's not like I invented fire. So
I spread some of the black plague. Those

Egyptians were trying to steal precious
artifacts from the British Museum.

Well, that was just an accident.

Mr. Halen, these pictures prove you're
tens of thousands of years old. Melissa.

What do you say to these charges?

I don't recall.

You don't recall that you're a living
embodiment of evil?

Uh, no. No, I don't recall that. A
plague on humanity from the beginning of

time? No.

I don't... I don't recall. We have film
evidence. We have pictures.

Come on. What could you possibly say to
these charges, Mr. Halen?

I'm sorry, but I'm not equipped to reach
a conclusion regarding that assessment

at this time. And what's more, let me
add that I will explode your head for

saying that.

Mr. Halen.

Yes, there's no such thing as a free
necklace.

Muckraker.

Let me just scoot this over.

Tell me more about your tan man body
stencils. Oh, that's a good question,

Melissa. No, I didn't realize we were
going to be promoting my products today.

Now that's journalism.

Insightful, but extremely well
-balanced.

I feel like I'm friends with the man.

Hell of a man, that one.

Giving us these free necklaces the way
he done.

Hell of a man.

Yeah, well, I just wish he'd let us
smoke it.

Yes, our break's over.

Yeah. Back to work.

Hail of a man.