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Welcome to Horrible History.
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Horrible Histories presents Kings and
Queens, a right royal special.
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Hello, loyal subjects.
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King Rattath here with a special look at
some of history's best and worst kings
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and queens.
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And let me tell you, it's not easy being
a monarch.
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Your bath is ready, Your Majesty, and
the feast will be served at ten. All
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right, so it's not all bad. But it can
be really tough, and hard times can
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even before you take the throne. Just
ask Marie Antoinette.
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Guys, what an incredible show we've got
for you today. I'm famous French
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hairdresser, Pierre Lassenel. And I'm
portrait artist, Joseph Ducreux. And we
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are here to collect an Austrian
princess.
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Say hi to the viewers.
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Hello. This princess knows she's headed
to France to marry Prince Louis, who's
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going to be king one day. What she
doesn't know is how much the French
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will hate her if she looks Austrian.
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What? They literally won't let her into
the country looking like this. They'll
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rip her to shreds. Which, quite frankly,
would be an improvement.
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So we're here to make this Austrian
wench look really French.
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Now, I'm thinking we'll call you Marie
Antoinette. But that is not my name. My
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name is Maria Antonia.
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Not anymore.
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We're changing it to Marie Antoinette.
It sounds more French. Future Queen of
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France? Let's dance.
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What is going on with this air?
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You've got to scrape back so far. It's
pulling out the roots and clumps. Well,
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it's very fashionable in Austria.
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That explains everything.
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At the moment, honey, this forehead
gives me a sore head. OMG, you are so
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That's why when I was sent to Austria to
paint you, I painted what I wanted to
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see, not what I did see. She is so
fresh, so fly, so French.
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Doesn't look anything like me.
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Exactly.
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So good. Thank you.
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Wow. It's magnificent.
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I know. Now, sweetie, we want this
makeover to get you smiling again. But
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after we fix your disgusting Austrian
fangs. Look at those jagged little teeth
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pointing out all over the place. It's
like, guys, pick a direction.
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So we're going to give you a very
beautiful and very straight smile. And
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would take is some light dentistry.
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Using these state -of -the -art metal
tools.
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Ah, won't that hurt?
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You won't feel a thing. Oh.
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Because you'll feel everything.
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We don't have pain relief.
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Open wide. Let's make your dentures all
Frenchers.
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When we met Maria Antonia, she was a
real no -no -nonia. But Maria Antoinette
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très chic.
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She's glamorous.
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She can barely move her mouth after
agonizing dental surgery.
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But she is. It's for France.
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Oh, so what do you think of your
transformation? Are you happy?
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Oh, she's speechless.
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And now you're finally ready to enter
France and marry a prince.
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Yes, queen.
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This is the happiest thing of my life.
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Let's dance.
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Yeah,
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we probably should have worked on our
dancing, too. Definitely.
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Please, just stop. You're embarrassing
everyone.
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Oh, it ought to be Marie Antoinette.
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But totally amazeballs to be me, King
Henry VIII.
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Good times.
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But you know what the best thing about
being king is? Having a loving,
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supportive, uncomplicated royal family
around you who have always got your
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no matter what you do.
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At least, that's what I've heard. I
mean, my family's nothing like that.
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Yeah, first few days with a new wife,
things seem to be going well.
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Jane, something.
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This is my third and final wife. Henry
VIII and his three wives, people will
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say.
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Oh, big hug.
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You know what would be, like, really,
really amazing?
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Yeah? Getting the whole family together
for, like, a big kind of get -to -know
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-you party.
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Really? Will there be food?
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Yeah, sure.
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Brilliant idea. Yeah, invite everyone.
Hey!
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Idea!
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Jane, quick, get in.
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Stepmother dear, why don't you let me
send out all the invites to the party?
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sorry! That's so sweet of you!
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Do you know what? I was actually a tiny
little bit concerned that you might be a
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bit angry at what with Henry saying that
you weren't a princess anymore.
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I know, I does.
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That's all ancient history.
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Yeah! You!
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Hands in for family!
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One, two, three, happy family! Happy
birthday!
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Well, this is nice, isn't it?
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Family's all here. Food's all here.
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Bonsai!
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That's it.
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Actually, Dad, not everyone is here.
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Really?
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Jane's here. Hello.
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You're here. Elizabeth is here. I'm
assuming my exes aren't turning up
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I... Sorry, I know that's insensitive.
No offence, girls. They were your mums.
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But we're not all your children, are we?
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Henry Fitzroy in the house!
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Hey, Dad, I got the invite.
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Well, I did say I'd invite everyone,
didn't I?
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Yeah, sorry, so Henry is my son. I
wasn't married to his mum, so he
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can't be king, although he is awesome.
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So if we don't have a son, then I'd want
him to be king over the girls. Again,
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no offence, girls.
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That's it.
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But still not everyone.
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Really? We're just getting started.
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Hi, Dad.
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Hi.
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Thomas Stookley.
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Stookers! So, I knew Thomas Stookley's
mum.
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Quite well.
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Oh, very well, actually.
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I mean, it's pure speculation,
obviously. I mean, no one can be sure.
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Shall we eat?
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Don't get too comfortable, Daddy.
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I've just started.
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It's Catherine and Henry Carey.
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Look, Elizabeth, it's your cousin. Or,
potentially, half -sibling.
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Two of them!
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This is going to be a really long
evening for me.
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Everybody knows I went on a couple of
dates with Amberlyn's sister Mary. It's
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not a secret.
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Also, sorry, how do they have beards?
They're 11 -year -old children, and one
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them's a girl.
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The glue -on beards were my idea.
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Nice touch, don't you think?
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Well, this is nice.
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Shall we eat?
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Mm -mm.
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Oh, look. It's Audrey Malt and John
Perrow.
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How many children do you have?
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Look, Jane, I'm a complicated guy.
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I may have had a few... Lots.
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Lots of kids who can't technically be
royals because I wasn't married to their
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mums. And I may have disinherited Mary
from her right to the throne, and I'm
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going to do the same to Elizabeth,
probably.
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But does that all really make me a bad
dad?
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Yeah. Yeah, it does.
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Do we?
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So nice to meet you all.
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Greetings.
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I am King Aethelstan. I was considered
the first king of the English.
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Right! Give me that! Oh, but that's my
axe.
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I was also the adoptive father of the
young Viking king of Norway, Harkon.
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Harkon, put the guard down!
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Fine. Oh!
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But how did I end up adopting lovely
little Harkon?
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Was it A, the Vikings threatened to kill
me if I didn't, B, I captured him by
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accident in a raid, or C, some Vikings
put him on my knee during a visit?
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The answer is C.
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Those crafty Vikings put him on my knee
when I wasn't expecting it, and under
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the custom of Kniathitcha, I had to
adopt him. Fire!
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Harkon's dad thought he'd insult me by
making me raise his son for him.
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Well? Joke's on him, as I really like
little Harkon. Fire again!
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Oh, come on! He's firing arrows!
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The best thing about being a royal is
you get to make up the rules.
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Like my one, banning soap.
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Hashtag living the unclean dream.
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But I'm not the only monarch to make up
new, weird and wonderful rules.
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And in the past, they've been a lot
stricter.
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You killed my cousin. Therefore, your
life be forfeit.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
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You don't need to swing axe.
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You need to chill axe. Am I right? Huh?
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I'm King William, yeah?
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Winner of the Battle of Hastings. And as
the new king, I get to make the lord
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now. You feel me? He's a murderer,
though.
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And would more killing really be the
answer?
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Do we have to be those guys?
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Wouldn't it be better if we could find
another way?
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00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,420
It would. It definitely would. Oh, yeah,
big surprise you're saying that. This
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guy, he messed up big time.
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But are any of us perfect?
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It's not really the point. He
murdered... Okay, I feel a new law
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the first Norman king of England, I
proclaim the end...
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Of the death penalty.
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Oh, yeah, boy!
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We will find better ways of living our
lives.
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Right, thank you, everybody. It has been
intense, but, uh... Whoa!
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Where are you going?
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I thought we were done.
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Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not letting
you go. No way. I'm going to poke out
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his eyes and chop off his dangly bits.
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Eyes and dangly bits. Wow.
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A bit extreme.
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He'll die anyway, won't he?
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Possibly. I mean, it'll definitely be
slow and painful.
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Well, that's OK. I'm going to go back to
the straight execution.
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00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:05,360
He's comfortable with that. I'm fine
with that. Ah, no executions. We are not
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00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,260
monsters. OK, start with the eyes.
194
00:11:09,020 --> 00:11:10,740
I can't do this. I just feel
uncomfortable.
195
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:11,960
I'm sorry. Whoa.
196
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,020
You know, I'm so touched.
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00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:19,300
You thought you could say that? Not
enough people say no to the king. I
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00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:22,140
we're all getting a bit hot -headed when
men get in a group and we just kind of
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00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,200
go a bit crazy. Yeah.
200
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:29,520
Unfortunately, I am going to have to
find you guilty of disagreeing with the
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king. So, punishment.
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00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:32,720
Maybe I'll chop off his hands.
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00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:37,060
Chop off his hands for disagreeing with
the king.
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00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:40,450
Psycho! I'll chop off my hands. Uh -oh,
more disagreement.
205
00:11:41,150 --> 00:11:43,510
Better lose the feet, too. You can't do
this.
206
00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:46,570
I'd stop arguing at this point. And his
nose.
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00:11:46,830 --> 00:11:47,830
Why?
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00:11:47,890 --> 00:11:51,830
No, it's a good shout. At least you get
to keep your dangly bit. OK, guys, we
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00:11:51,830 --> 00:11:52,789
all good?
210
00:11:52,790 --> 00:11:56,090
Isn't this a much nicer way of doing
things?
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00:11:56,350 --> 00:11:57,350
Absolutely not.
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00:11:57,450 --> 00:12:02,310
People are going to love my new laws.
They're so much more civilised.
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00:12:02,590 --> 00:12:03,549
Right, chat?
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00:12:03,550 --> 00:12:06,870
Right. Hands up, who was the eyes and
dangly bits?
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00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,080
Chop, chop.
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00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:15,200
Attention, people of the Zulu nation.
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00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:20,240
Our warrior king, Shaka Zulu, has some
extremely sad news.
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00:12:20,580 --> 00:12:22,760
My mother Nandi is dead.
219
00:12:23,380 --> 00:12:29,100
Not only was she an excellent protector,
but she was the best chief advisor, a
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00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:31,380
marauding Zulu warrior king could have
asked for.
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00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,580
As such, I am commanding.
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That everyone in the Zulu kingdom will
enter a period of mourning.
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And that is the end of the announcement.
And in honor of my mother. Okay,
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there's a little bit more. I decree that
during this period of mourning, all 20
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00:12:49,530 --> 00:12:55,650
,000 of you gathered here will wail for
hours on end. And I want proper tears,
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00:12:55,830 --> 00:12:59,990
none of these fake tears. Like, oh, no,
I am sad.
227
00:13:00,230 --> 00:13:02,930
I want everyone to cry hard.
228
00:13:03,530 --> 00:13:05,030
And two, they are dehydrated.
229
00:13:05,770 --> 00:13:10,330
And how long would you like them to
mourn for, Shaka? A day or two days?
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00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:11,469
One year.
231
00:13:11,470 --> 00:13:12,470
One year?
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00:13:12,550 --> 00:13:16,130
Anything less would be a disgrace to my
poor mother.
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00:13:16,550 --> 00:13:20,450
And that is the end of the announcement.
And also... Really, more?
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00:13:20,710 --> 00:13:25,590
No one is to plant any crops during this
year of mourning.
235
00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:30,510
Shaka, that seems a little extreme. What
will the people eat? Excuse me.
236
00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:32,530
Did you not hear that my mother has
died?
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00:13:32,940 --> 00:13:35,560
And all you can think about is food.
Show some respect.
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00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,260
Well, you are the king.
239
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:39,220
And that's this end. And also.
240
00:13:39,660 --> 00:13:46,380
No. He's still going. I want all the
milk cows across the nation slaughtered
241
00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:52,200
so all the cows can feel the pain that I
am feeling right now. Okay. Maybe let's
242
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:56,020
just, you know, dial this back a little
bit. Don't worry about where you will
243
00:13:56,020 --> 00:14:01,220
get your milk. And everyone is banned
from drinking it in honor of my mother.
244
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:06,020
Why is no one wailing? The year -long
period of mourning started five minutes
245
00:14:06,020 --> 00:14:07,020
ago. Ah.
246
00:14:08,740 --> 00:14:10,480
Ah, you call that wailing?
247
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,280
Yes. Yes,
248
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,920
yes. That is top -notch wailing.
249
00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:24,300
You are going to kill him for this and
take over, right? Yeah, like almost
250
00:14:24,300 --> 00:14:25,460
immediately. What did you say?
251
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:26,680
Nothing.
252
00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:29,880
Yes, that's it. From the diaphragm.
253
00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:34,950
When a king or queen comes to the end of
their life, surrounded by their friends
254
00:14:34,950 --> 00:14:39,710
and family, or in Shaka Zulu's case,
brutally murdered by them, there has to
255
00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:43,050
a plan for who's going to take over and
how they're supposed to rule.
256
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:47,790
But what's expected of them can
sometimes be unexpected.
257
00:14:52,650 --> 00:14:59,010
Prince Edward, His Majesty King Edward
has battled hard in his fight against
258
00:14:59,010 --> 00:15:00,010
dysentery.
259
00:15:02,180 --> 00:15:03,600
But he does not have long left.
260
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,440
He wishes to speak with you.
261
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,339
Yes, Father.
262
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:09,340
What is it?
263
00:15:09,420 --> 00:15:11,920
Son, my time is close at hand.
264
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:14,860
I want you to promise me one thing.
265
00:15:15,140 --> 00:15:16,140
Of course, Father, anything.
266
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:19,380
I want you to continue my war in
Scotland.
267
00:15:20,340 --> 00:15:23,780
Are you sure? We're not doing very well
in the war.
268
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,100
This is my one dying wish.
269
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:26,740
Yeah, OK, of course. Sorry.
270
00:15:30,570 --> 00:15:31,670
hate the Scottish, son.
271
00:15:32,110 --> 00:15:33,110
I know you do.
272
00:15:35,870 --> 00:15:36,870
Father?
273
00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:38,250
Father!
274
00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:42,150
He's gone.
275
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,010
There's one other thing.
276
00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:48,490
Yes, Father, what is it?
277
00:15:48,630 --> 00:15:53,850
When I die, I want you to take my body.
Of course. And I want you to boil it so
278
00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:54,850
that all the flesh falls off.
279
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,660
Boil it. Then I want you to bury the
flesh in the ground. OK, right. But
280
00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:00,300
preserve the bones separately.
281
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,820
Keep them out.
282
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,500
Sorry, Father, where do you want me to
keep your bones? Just somewhere
283
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:07,260
convenient. Like a chest, maybe.
284
00:16:07,540 --> 00:16:11,040
Right, OK, I feel like I'm going to
regret asking this, but why do you want
285
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,140
to keep your bones somewhere convenient?
286
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:15,260
So that when the Scottish rebel again...
Which they will.
287
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:20,100
You can go out to Scotland with my bones
and ride with them into war.
288
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,860
OK, yep, I do regret asking that,
actually.
289
00:16:23,580 --> 00:16:29,100
As long as you have my bones with you,
son, you can never be defeated by the
290
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:30,100
Scots.
291
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:38,220
I can feel the light fading.
292
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:40,440
I'm passing.
293
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:46,180
Tell my people I died as I lived.
294
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,580
What, hating Scottish people and
passing?
295
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:53,800
Father?
296
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:54,960
Father!
297
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,280
He's gone.
298
00:17:09,380 --> 00:17:11,900
How is he still farting when he's dead?
299
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:15,760
Sorry.
300
00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:17,140
It was actually me.
301
00:17:19,470 --> 00:17:24,750
It's 1586 and Queen Elizabeth has no
children to succeed her.
302
00:17:24,970 --> 00:17:29,070
So it's time to search for England's
next king or queen.
303
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:32,790
Welcome to England's Got Monarch.
304
00:17:33,150 --> 00:17:38,210
Let's meet the judges. The Queen's
advisor, Robert Thistle.
305
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:44,790
Our head judge, Queen Elizabeth. And my
master, Francis
306
00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:47,790
Walsingham. Right, let's get this over
with.
307
00:17:48,220 --> 00:17:52,500
The first of the Queen's possible
successors to audition is Philip II of
308
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:56,680
So, what are you going to do for us
today? I am going to destroy the Church
309
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,480
England and restore this country to the
Catholic Church.
310
00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:02,120
I'm also available for marriage, if that
makes things simple.
311
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:03,820
No,
312
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,300
I don't think you're right for this
country. It's a no from me.
313
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:09,840
It's a no today.
314
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:15,440
But it'll be a ah, ah, si, si when I
return here in a year with my Spanish
315
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,440
Armada.
316
00:18:16,780 --> 00:18:18,780
I mean, just a terrible attitude.
317
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,740
Our next suitor believes he has a
stronger claim to the throne.
318
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,340
Henry Hastings, my great -grandmother
and my... Oh!
319
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:32,820
...mother's child was a distant relative
to the Plantagenet
320
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,360
kings, I think.
321
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:39,640
Next,
322
00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:44,740
someone with an even better claim. It's
Elizabeth's cousin and the great
323
00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:46,040
-granddaughter of Henry VII.
324
00:18:46,570 --> 00:18:47,590
Mary, Queen of Scots.
325
00:18:47,870 --> 00:18:53,950
Who are you? And what do you have that
the other hopefuls don't? I am Mary
326
00:18:53,950 --> 00:18:59,730
Stewart and I've been plotting your
downfall. I mean, I'm dreaming of being
327
00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:01,630
Queen of England since I was a little
girl.
328
00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:07,290
I already have lots of experience
because I've been the Queen of Scotland
329
00:19:07,290 --> 00:19:08,390
the Queen of France.
330
00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:13,630
Oh, and are you working as a
professional queen at the moment? No.
331
00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:17,730
Because you've had me locked up in a
castle for nearly 20 years.
332
00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:19,290
Oh, yes.
333
00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:23,870
You tried to have me deposed and killed
several times.
334
00:19:24,310 --> 00:19:25,009
No, not after.
335
00:19:25,010 --> 00:19:26,010
I can't remember.
336
00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:28,810
Every time.
337
00:19:29,170 --> 00:19:32,550
It's fair to say it's not going well,
and the judges are almost ready to give
338
00:19:32,550 --> 00:19:33,550
up.
339
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:41,260
But there's one last hopeful trying to
become England's next monarch, Mary,
340
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:43,280
Queen of Scots' son, James.
341
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:47,520
Hi, I'm James VI, and I'm King of
Scotland.
342
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,960
Didn't we just have a Queen of Scotland?
343
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:54,200
Oh, my mother. And how do you feel about
the fact that I have her in prison?
344
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:56,820
It's just nice of you to put her up.
345
00:19:57,140 --> 00:20:03,140
Oh, there's also a chance that I might,
probably will, have her executed at some
346
00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:07,340
point. Tough at the top. Oh, I like you.
How do you feel about Catholicism?
347
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,700
I'm a Protestant, baby.
348
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,040
Oh!
349
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,300
Lizzy likey.
350
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:17,980
Oh! He's done it! Say hello to King
James I of England. Well done, mate.
351
00:20:18,220 --> 00:20:21,260
I can't believe I'm going to be King of
England as well as Scotland!
352
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:25,080
Well, maybe. Frankly, I'll probably
leave the final decision of my courtiers
353
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,760
once I'm dead, but you enjoy that
moment.
354
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:28,999
Oh, yeah.
355
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,640
I'm going to be the Ingress King.
356
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:31,900
Go you!
357
00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:42,880
James did indeed end up also being the
English king.
358
00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:48,420
Now, sometimes people thought their
kings or queens were such a pain in the
359
00:20:48,420 --> 00:20:53,040
that they tried to get rid of them. When
Guy Fawkes and his gang tried, and
360
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:57,780
failed, to do just that, King Jimmy
wanted to remind everyone of Guy's epic
361
00:20:57,780 --> 00:20:59,800
fail. Every year.
362
00:21:00,540 --> 00:21:01,540
Forever.
363
00:21:03,510 --> 00:21:07,830
Bang! Ha ha ha, the fun we had. This is
Jimmy on the Street.
364
00:21:08,030 --> 00:21:12,750
I'm James I, or Jimmy VI, if you've
caught it. And the best day of the year
365
00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:18,570
finally here. The 5th of November, 1606.
The day we all celebrate me still being
366
00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:19,570
alive.
367
00:21:20,030 --> 00:21:20,969
Cheer, Robert.
368
00:21:20,970 --> 00:21:22,370
Yay. Yay!
369
00:21:22,970 --> 00:21:27,170
My advisor, Robert Cecil, here is right
to cheer. What a day!
370
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,560
You, if you could say one word, what
would it be? No one cares. Okay, come
371
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,240
Oh, you, unnamed female, what are you
doing?
372
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,140
Uh, building a bonfire.
373
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:42,800
Why? Because you ordered us to
celebrate.
374
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,660
Well, what are you waiting for?
375
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,040
To burn everything.
376
00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:51,680
To celebrate me not getting burned. Yes,
one whole day to reflect on what an
377
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:55,940
absolute blessing it was that I didn't
get bumped off by that mean old guy Foch
378
00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:59,360
and his wee pals. And that is today, the
5th of November.
379
00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:01,600
Should be the 4th, really.
380
00:22:02,350 --> 00:22:03,710
But you've got something to say, Cecil.
381
00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:08,670
Well, Guy Fawkes was discovered on the
4th of November, so technically we
382
00:22:08,670 --> 00:22:09,670
have celebrated yesterday.
383
00:22:10,750 --> 00:22:12,250
Is there a day to celebrate you, Robert?
384
00:22:13,170 --> 00:22:14,170
No, Your Majesty.
385
00:22:14,610 --> 00:22:20,050
No, there isn't. Well, there is for me,
pal, and that is today, the 5th of
386
00:22:20,050 --> 00:22:21,050
November.
387
00:22:21,430 --> 00:22:24,130
Which way? Which way, Cecil? No, this
way.
388
00:22:24,350 --> 00:22:24,929
What about you?
389
00:22:24,930 --> 00:22:25,930
Oh, you're too wooden.
390
00:22:26,670 --> 00:22:27,670
First!
391
00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:34,310
It's just going to keep getting bigger.
I'm picturing gun salute, bell ringing,
392
00:22:34,530 --> 00:22:40,250
you know, mayoral procession. And in
July, Christian of Denmark even brought
393
00:22:40,250 --> 00:22:43,590
a firework which we let off in
celebration. Tell them about it.
394
00:22:43,890 --> 00:22:47,290
It was broad daylight in the middle of
July, so when it went off, no -one could
395
00:22:47,290 --> 00:22:48,290
really see anything.
396
00:22:50,750 --> 00:22:52,430
Which made it all the more impressive.
397
00:22:53,850 --> 00:22:57,430
He's not wrong! So many chances to
celebrate your faith!
398
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,220
Me, the 5th of November. Don't forget
that date.
399
00:23:01,660 --> 00:23:05,600
Expecting people to be celebrating that
date for many centuries to come.
400
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:07,960
Remember, remember the 5th of November.
401
00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:10,580
That's stupid. That rhyme could
literally apply to any day in November.
402
00:23:10,980 --> 00:23:12,360
It could be the 4th of November.
403
00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:14,800
No. You!
404
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:16,480
Celebrate me more!
405
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,940
Why is that on fire? Everything should
be on fire!
406
00:23:22,860 --> 00:23:27,260
sorting out the beefs of the past.
Pharaoh Kaput, don't tell me how to run
407
00:23:27,260 --> 00:23:30,560
great courtroom. I don't tell you how to
build a great pyramid.
408
00:23:30,900 --> 00:23:32,540
With the justice of today.
409
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:35,120
Although pointy -thighed up, just say.
410
00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:38,080
Welcome to Time Beats with Judge Rinder.
411
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:45,060
Empress Dowager Serchi of the Qin
Dynasty China is going up against her
412
00:23:45,060 --> 00:23:49,900
and royal rival, Queen Victoria,
regarding a rebellion taking place in
413
00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:50,900
1899.
414
00:23:51,860 --> 00:23:56,460
Right, now, you might be the combined
rulers of over 800 million people, but
415
00:23:56,460 --> 00:23:58,140
this courtroom, I'm in charge.
416
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,400
Now, Empress, what's the issue?
417
00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:05,040
We're having a slight disagreement about
how her country won't stop invading
418
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,280
Mars. Oh, here we go.
419
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:07,520
Uh, talking!
420
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:08,760
Shh!
421
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:13,260
It all started with the boxers. Oh, I
love boxers. Let's get ready to render!
422
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:17,780
No, no, no, not that kind of boxer,
babe. The boxers are a secret society of
423
00:24:17,780 --> 00:24:19,700
people in China, and they've started a
rebellion.
424
00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:23,310
Now! Britain is using that as an excuse
to invade.
425
00:24:23,870 --> 00:24:24,870
Ha, ha, ha.
426
00:24:24,930 --> 00:24:30,490
Classic us. So, I send telegrams to
Queen Victoria, reminding her of our
427
00:24:30,490 --> 00:24:34,470
connection. We're both older leaders
ruling over vast populations.
428
00:24:34,770 --> 00:24:38,730
No, she is obsessed with me. Apparently,
she has a portrait of me in her room.
429
00:24:38,830 --> 00:24:39,830
But she's a small one.
430
00:24:39,970 --> 00:24:40,429
You see?
431
00:24:40,430 --> 00:24:44,890
Well, at least I run my empire. You have
hardly anything to do with your
432
00:24:44,890 --> 00:24:45,890
country's decisions.
433
00:24:46,170 --> 00:24:50,380
I am just as much of an empress as you
are. Then will you stop invading? My
434
00:24:50,380 --> 00:24:54,260
country and stealing things. Oh, how
dare you? I do not steal things.
435
00:24:54,620 --> 00:24:56,080
Oh, yeah? Tell them about the dog.
436
00:24:56,640 --> 00:25:02,100
What about the dog? Well, your lovely
industry, one of my returning soldiers
437
00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:06,520
brought me back a darling little
Pekingese from China, which, it just so
438
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,000
happened, had been looted from her
palace.
439
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:10,980
But how was I to know it had been
looted?
440
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:12,860
They called the dog Looty.
441
00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:14,220
Baby,
442
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,980
she likes playing the lute. She stole
the dog from me.
443
00:25:17,260 --> 00:25:19,140
I want a dog from her. What? Give me.
444
00:25:19,530 --> 00:25:23,250
Right, we're obviously not going to sort
this out today. I suggest we adjourn
445
00:25:23,250 --> 00:25:24,910
and come back tomorrow.
446
00:25:25,210 --> 00:25:27,070
No, soz, babes. I'm not available
tomorrow.
447
00:25:27,350 --> 00:25:28,350
Why on earth not?
448
00:25:28,390 --> 00:25:29,390
We're evading China.
449
00:25:31,610 --> 00:25:32,610
Unbelievable.
450
00:25:33,370 --> 00:25:37,810
Well, it's almost time for me to hang up
my crown and step down from the throne.
451
00:25:38,090 --> 00:25:40,470
Although, I'll always be king of the
floaters.
452
00:25:41,730 --> 00:25:45,490
Not every king can say that with
confidence.
453
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:51,520
The flagships belonging to King Henry
VIII, Swedish King Gustavus Adolphus and
454
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:57,220
King Henry I all sank rather
spectacularly close to where they set
455
00:25:57,220 --> 00:25:59,040
that certainly didn't float the king's
boats.
456
00:25:59,300 --> 00:26:02,560
But don't take my word for it. Here they
are to play us out.
457
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,480
Oh, my goodness.
458
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:06,980
Look at that boat.
459
00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:12,280
Isn't that boat the white ship? King
Henry's son, William of Delon, is on
460
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,280
that boat.
461
00:26:13,580 --> 00:26:17,270
We sail big boats. But they made us cry.
462
00:26:17,570 --> 00:26:21,250
The survivor of the wreck told I. The
white ship went down with the air to the
463
00:26:21,250 --> 00:26:23,830
crown. The ship hit a rock and a leak.
Got sprung.
464
00:26:24,090 --> 00:26:26,690
Because they took a chance when they
sailed home from France.
465
00:26:26,890 --> 00:26:28,570
They set off in the dark.
466
00:26:28,790 --> 00:26:30,450
They thought it was a lark.
467
00:26:30,730 --> 00:26:34,010
The crew were drunk. My air got sunk.
Didn't make it to shore. Now there's
468
00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:37,810
to be war. Hey, nobles. Yeah. Nobles.
Yeah. Who'll be king now when I die?
469
00:26:40,370 --> 00:26:43,110
I use big boats when I fight in France.
470
00:26:43,530 --> 00:26:45,110
But we wanted too much of a chance.
471
00:26:45,530 --> 00:26:48,490
The Mary Rose got binned when she turned
in the wind. The water poured in and
472
00:26:48,490 --> 00:26:51,210
she got socked. The gun poured quite
close.
473
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:52,630
She's got holes.
474
00:26:52,990 --> 00:26:54,530
Lucky like a no -leaf clover.
475
00:26:54,790 --> 00:26:59,970
When the ship tilted over, she went down
400 drowns. But the French Armada, they
476
00:26:59,970 --> 00:27:00,949
achieved nada.
477
00:27:00,950 --> 00:27:02,850
Because we've got other boats.
478
00:27:03,050 --> 00:27:06,070
Yeah. Boats. Yeah. We like big boats.
Yeah.
479
00:27:06,470 --> 00:27:07,429
Yo, yo.
480
00:27:07,430 --> 00:27:09,970
MC King Gustafus' office on the deck.
481
00:27:10,190 --> 00:27:11,650
Well, on the deck.
482
00:27:12,290 --> 00:27:14,990
A boat, big, most of it's written on the
map.
483
00:27:15,290 --> 00:27:16,850
The first horse in the crowd began to
clap.
484
00:27:17,050 --> 00:27:19,150
The water was a butte. Costas were
aloof.
485
00:27:19,370 --> 00:27:21,430
One gust of wind, and she got sunk.
486
00:27:22,050 --> 00:27:24,810
Eret, when it was built, made the ship
he was built.
487
00:27:25,010 --> 00:27:28,130
Its hatches fit the thunder, and the
water dragged her under.
488
00:27:28,410 --> 00:27:29,970
Would it help us rule the seas?
489
00:27:30,190 --> 00:27:31,770
But we're sunk by gentle breeze.
490
00:27:32,110 --> 00:27:36,450
As the world stood and watched, they saw
our plans botched. Hey, you!
491
00:27:36,670 --> 00:27:38,330
Yeah? Did you see the boat go down?
492
00:27:38,630 --> 00:27:40,790
Yeah? Fancy pretending it didn't happen?
493
00:27:41,010 --> 00:27:42,670
No. Worth a try.
494
00:27:44,910 --> 00:27:46,770
I had big votes, but they made us cry.
495
00:27:47,070 --> 00:27:48,610
I hoped that things would arrive.
496
00:27:49,010 --> 00:27:53,810
The memory makes us wince, cause our
ship took a rinse. We're legends ever
497
00:27:53,810 --> 00:27:56,090
since, cause each ship got...
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