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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:24,270 --> 00:00:29,190 Welcome to Horrible History. 2 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:37,220 Horrible Histories presents Kings and Queens, a right royal special. 3 00:00:37,740 --> 00:00:39,400 Hello, loyal subjects. 4 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:44,360 King Rattath here with a special look at some of history's best and worst kings 5 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:45,360 and queens. 6 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,820 And let me tell you, it's not easy being a monarch. 7 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:53,500 Your bath is ready, Your Majesty, and the feast will be served at ten. All 8 00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:58,160 right, so it's not all bad. But it can be really tough, and hard times can 9 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:02,280 even before you take the throne. Just ask Marie Antoinette. 10 00:01:03,870 --> 00:01:08,290 Guys, what an incredible show we've got for you today. I'm famous French 11 00:01:08,290 --> 00:01:12,930 hairdresser, Pierre Lassenel. And I'm portrait artist, Joseph Ducreux. And we 12 00:01:12,930 --> 00:01:15,810 are here to collect an Austrian princess. 13 00:01:16,330 --> 00:01:17,430 Say hi to the viewers. 14 00:01:18,130 --> 00:01:22,390 Hello. This princess knows she's headed to France to marry Prince Louis, who's 15 00:01:22,390 --> 00:01:27,010 going to be king one day. What she doesn't know is how much the French 16 00:01:27,010 --> 00:01:29,490 will hate her if she looks Austrian. 17 00:01:29,910 --> 00:01:33,810 What? They literally won't let her into the country looking like this. They'll 18 00:01:33,810 --> 00:01:36,870 rip her to shreds. Which, quite frankly, would be an improvement. 19 00:01:37,290 --> 00:01:41,010 So we're here to make this Austrian wench look really French. 20 00:01:52,090 --> 00:01:57,770 Now, I'm thinking we'll call you Marie Antoinette. But that is not my name. My 21 00:01:57,770 --> 00:01:59,030 name is Maria Antonia. 22 00:01:59,370 --> 00:02:00,169 Not anymore. 23 00:02:00,170 --> 00:02:03,790 We're changing it to Marie Antoinette. It sounds more French. Future Queen of 24 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:04,990 France? Let's dance. 25 00:02:08,110 --> 00:02:13,210 What is going on with this air? 26 00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:17,830 You've got to scrape back so far. It's pulling out the roots and clumps. Well, 27 00:02:17,870 --> 00:02:19,330 it's very fashionable in Austria. 28 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,140 That explains everything. 29 00:02:21,380 --> 00:02:26,000 At the moment, honey, this forehead gives me a sore head. OMG, you are so 30 00:02:26,140 --> 00:02:31,080 That's why when I was sent to Austria to paint you, I painted what I wanted to 31 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:36,940 see, not what I did see. She is so fresh, so fly, so French. 32 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,360 Doesn't look anything like me. 33 00:02:40,020 --> 00:02:41,020 Exactly. 34 00:02:41,940 --> 00:02:43,340 So good. Thank you. 35 00:02:47,359 --> 00:02:48,860 Wow. It's magnificent. 36 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:55,140 I know. Now, sweetie, we want this makeover to get you smiling again. But 37 00:02:55,140 --> 00:03:00,260 after we fix your disgusting Austrian fangs. Look at those jagged little teeth 38 00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:04,120 pointing out all over the place. It's like, guys, pick a direction. 39 00:03:04,340 --> 00:03:09,600 So we're going to give you a very beautiful and very straight smile. And 40 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,220 would take is some light dentistry. 41 00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:13,690 Using these state -of -the -art metal tools. 42 00:03:14,410 --> 00:03:15,410 Ah, won't that hurt? 43 00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:17,950 You won't feel a thing. Oh. 44 00:03:18,270 --> 00:03:20,310 Because you'll feel everything. 45 00:03:20,550 --> 00:03:22,110 We don't have pain relief. 46 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:25,650 Open wide. Let's make your dentures all Frenchers. 47 00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:37,680 When we met Maria Antonia, she was a real no -no -nonia. But Maria Antoinette 48 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:38,519 très chic. 49 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:39,520 She's glamorous. 50 00:03:39,540 --> 00:03:43,120 She can barely move her mouth after agonizing dental surgery. 51 00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:45,420 But she is. It's for France. 52 00:03:46,540 --> 00:03:51,460 Oh, so what do you think of your transformation? Are you happy? 53 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:54,900 Oh, she's speechless. 54 00:03:55,500 --> 00:04:00,220 And now you're finally ready to enter France and marry a prince. 55 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:01,480 Yes, queen. 56 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,040 This is the happiest thing of my life. 57 00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:06,700 Let's dance. 58 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:08,560 Yeah, 59 00:04:12,780 --> 00:04:15,120 we probably should have worked on our dancing, too. Definitely. 60 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,220 Please, just stop. You're embarrassing everyone. 61 00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:21,459 Oh, it ought to be Marie Antoinette. 62 00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:24,940 But totally amazeballs to be me, King Henry VIII. 63 00:04:25,180 --> 00:04:26,340 Good times. 64 00:04:26,540 --> 00:04:30,260 But you know what the best thing about being king is? Having a loving, 65 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:35,000 supportive, uncomplicated royal family around you who have always got your 66 00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,420 no matter what you do. 67 00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:41,400 At least, that's what I've heard. I mean, my family's nothing like that. 68 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,420 Yeah, first few days with a new wife, things seem to be going well. 69 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,360 Jane, something. 70 00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:56,200 This is my third and final wife. Henry VIII and his three wives, people will 71 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,200 say. 72 00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:58,840 Oh, big hug. 73 00:05:00,140 --> 00:05:02,860 You know what would be, like, really, really amazing? 74 00:05:03,140 --> 00:05:06,820 Yeah? Getting the whole family together for, like, a big kind of get -to -know 75 00:05:06,820 --> 00:05:07,579 -you party. 76 00:05:07,580 --> 00:05:09,260 Really? Will there be food? 77 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:10,219 Yeah, sure. 78 00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:12,080 Brilliant idea. Yeah, invite everyone. Hey! 79 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:13,880 Idea! 80 00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:17,260 Jane, quick, get in. 81 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:25,640 Stepmother dear, why don't you let me send out all the invites to the party? 82 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,400 sorry! That's so sweet of you! 83 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:31,000 Do you know what? I was actually a tiny little bit concerned that you might be a 84 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:34,460 bit angry at what with Henry saying that you weren't a princess anymore. 85 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:36,640 I know, I does. 86 00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:38,660 That's all ancient history. 87 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:40,080 Yeah! You! 88 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:41,960 Hands in for family! 89 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,540 One, two, three, happy family! Happy birthday! 90 00:05:47,850 --> 00:05:49,550 Well, this is nice, isn't it? 91 00:05:49,970 --> 00:05:51,890 Family's all here. Food's all here. 92 00:05:52,110 --> 00:05:53,110 Bonsai! 93 00:05:53,530 --> 00:05:54,509 That's it. 94 00:05:54,510 --> 00:05:57,610 Actually, Dad, not everyone is here. 95 00:05:57,930 --> 00:05:58,930 Really? 96 00:05:59,530 --> 00:06:00,530 Jane's here. Hello. 97 00:06:00,990 --> 00:06:04,590 You're here. Elizabeth is here. I'm assuming my exes aren't turning up 98 00:06:04,590 --> 00:06:09,490 I... Sorry, I know that's insensitive. No offence, girls. They were your mums. 99 00:06:09,810 --> 00:06:12,730 But we're not all your children, are we? 100 00:06:12,990 --> 00:06:15,110 Henry Fitzroy in the house! 101 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,440 Hey, Dad, I got the invite. 102 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:23,900 Well, I did say I'd invite everyone, didn't I? 103 00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:29,200 Yeah, sorry, so Henry is my son. I wasn't married to his mum, so he 104 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,700 can't be king, although he is awesome. 105 00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:36,480 So if we don't have a son, then I'd want him to be king over the girls. Again, 106 00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:37,780 no offence, girls. 107 00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:38,999 That's it. 108 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,220 But still not everyone. 109 00:06:40,740 --> 00:06:42,300 Really? We're just getting started. 110 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:44,480 Hi, Dad. 111 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:46,280 Hi. 112 00:06:47,810 --> 00:06:48,810 Thomas Stookley. 113 00:06:49,570 --> 00:06:52,270 Stookers! So, I knew Thomas Stookley's mum. 114 00:06:52,530 --> 00:06:53,489 Quite well. 115 00:06:53,490 --> 00:06:54,610 Oh, very well, actually. 116 00:06:55,090 --> 00:06:57,950 I mean, it's pure speculation, obviously. I mean, no one can be sure. 117 00:06:58,390 --> 00:06:59,390 Shall we eat? 118 00:06:59,990 --> 00:07:01,890 Don't get too comfortable, Daddy. 119 00:07:02,390 --> 00:07:03,450 I've just started. 120 00:07:03,830 --> 00:07:05,650 It's Catherine and Henry Carey. 121 00:07:05,910 --> 00:07:10,310 Look, Elizabeth, it's your cousin. Or, potentially, half -sibling. 122 00:07:10,670 --> 00:07:11,670 Two of them! 123 00:07:13,370 --> 00:07:15,830 This is going to be a really long evening for me. 124 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:21,260 Everybody knows I went on a couple of dates with Amberlyn's sister Mary. It's 125 00:07:21,260 --> 00:07:22,179 not a secret. 126 00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:26,180 Also, sorry, how do they have beards? They're 11 -year -old children, and one 127 00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:26,999 them's a girl. 128 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,740 The glue -on beards were my idea. 129 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:30,960 Nice touch, don't you think? 130 00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:33,460 Well, this is nice. 131 00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:34,980 Shall we eat? 132 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:36,440 Mm -mm. 133 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:39,480 Oh, look. It's Audrey Malt and John Perrow. 134 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,980 How many children do you have? 135 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,140 Look, Jane, I'm a complicated guy. 136 00:07:45,690 --> 00:07:47,170 I may have had a few... Lots. 137 00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:52,510 Lots of kids who can't technically be royals because I wasn't married to their 138 00:07:52,510 --> 00:07:56,990 mums. And I may have disinherited Mary from her right to the throne, and I'm 139 00:07:56,990 --> 00:07:58,530 going to do the same to Elizabeth, probably. 140 00:07:58,830 --> 00:08:02,410 But does that all really make me a bad dad? 141 00:08:03,190 --> 00:08:04,590 Yeah. Yeah, it does. 142 00:08:05,390 --> 00:08:06,390 Do we? 143 00:08:07,490 --> 00:08:08,930 So nice to meet you all. 144 00:08:10,410 --> 00:08:11,410 Greetings. 145 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:18,720 I am King Aethelstan. I was considered the first king of the English. 146 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:23,760 Right! Give me that! Oh, but that's my axe. 147 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:30,340 I was also the adoptive father of the young Viking king of Norway, Harkon. 148 00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:34,200 Harkon, put the guard down! 149 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,020 Fine. Oh! 150 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:41,679 But how did I end up adopting lovely little Harkon? 151 00:08:42,380 --> 00:08:48,880 Was it A, the Vikings threatened to kill me if I didn't, B, I captured him by 152 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:53,680 accident in a raid, or C, some Vikings put him on my knee during a visit? 153 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,320 The answer is C. 154 00:08:56,900 --> 00:09:01,080 Those crafty Vikings put him on my knee when I wasn't expecting it, and under 155 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:04,340 the custom of Kniathitcha, I had to adopt him. Fire! 156 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,520 Harkon's dad thought he'd insult me by making me raise his son for him. 157 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:15,110 Well? Joke's on him, as I really like little Harkon. Fire again! 158 00:09:15,490 --> 00:09:17,510 Oh, come on! He's firing arrows! 159 00:09:18,270 --> 00:09:23,190 The best thing about being a royal is you get to make up the rules. 160 00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:25,750 Like my one, banning soap. 161 00:09:28,210 --> 00:09:30,630 Hashtag living the unclean dream. 162 00:09:31,190 --> 00:09:35,010 But I'm not the only monarch to make up new, weird and wonderful rules. 163 00:09:35,290 --> 00:09:38,110 And in the past, they've been a lot stricter. 164 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:43,340 You killed my cousin. Therefore, your life be forfeit. 165 00:09:43,660 --> 00:09:45,020 Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. 166 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,260 You don't need to swing axe. 167 00:09:47,460 --> 00:09:50,360 You need to chill axe. Am I right? Huh? 168 00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:52,360 I'm King William, yeah? 169 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:57,700 Winner of the Battle of Hastings. And as the new king, I get to make the lord 170 00:09:57,700 --> 00:10:00,060 now. You feel me? He's a murderer, though. 171 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:03,420 And would more killing really be the answer? 172 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,300 Do we have to be those guys? 173 00:10:05,740 --> 00:10:08,720 Wouldn't it be better if we could find another way? 174 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:12,420 It would. It definitely would. Oh, yeah, big surprise you're saying that. This 175 00:10:12,420 --> 00:10:14,260 guy, he messed up big time. 176 00:10:14,540 --> 00:10:16,060 But are any of us perfect? 177 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,660 It's not really the point. He murdered... Okay, I feel a new law 178 00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:25,360 the first Norman king of England, I proclaim the end... 179 00:10:25,850 --> 00:10:26,970 Of the death penalty. 180 00:10:27,350 --> 00:10:28,590 Oh, yeah, boy! 181 00:10:28,930 --> 00:10:32,910 We will find better ways of living our lives. 182 00:10:33,170 --> 00:10:36,230 Right, thank you, everybody. It has been intense, but, uh... Whoa! 183 00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:37,870 Where are you going? 184 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:39,150 I thought we were done. 185 00:10:39,350 --> 00:10:45,670 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not letting you go. No way. I'm going to poke out 186 00:10:45,670 --> 00:10:47,530 his eyes and chop off his dangly bits. 187 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,920 Eyes and dangly bits. Wow. 188 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,360 A bit extreme. 189 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,000 He'll die anyway, won't he? 190 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,820 Possibly. I mean, it'll definitely be slow and painful. 191 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,280 Well, that's OK. I'm going to go back to the straight execution. 192 00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:05,360 He's comfortable with that. I'm fine with that. Ah, no executions. We are not 193 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,260 monsters. OK, start with the eyes. 194 00:11:09,020 --> 00:11:10,740 I can't do this. I just feel uncomfortable. 195 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:11,960 I'm sorry. Whoa. 196 00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,020 You know, I'm so touched. 197 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:19,300 You thought you could say that? Not enough people say no to the king. I 198 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:22,140 we're all getting a bit hot -headed when men get in a group and we just kind of 199 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,200 go a bit crazy. Yeah. 200 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:29,520 Unfortunately, I am going to have to find you guilty of disagreeing with the 201 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:30,820 king. So, punishment. 202 00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:32,720 Maybe I'll chop off his hands. 203 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:37,060 Chop off his hands for disagreeing with the king. 204 00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:40,450 Psycho! I'll chop off my hands. Uh -oh, more disagreement. 205 00:11:41,150 --> 00:11:43,510 Better lose the feet, too. You can't do this. 206 00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:46,570 I'd stop arguing at this point. And his nose. 207 00:11:46,830 --> 00:11:47,830 Why? 208 00:11:47,890 --> 00:11:51,830 No, it's a good shout. At least you get to keep your dangly bit. OK, guys, we 209 00:11:51,830 --> 00:11:52,789 all good? 210 00:11:52,790 --> 00:11:56,090 Isn't this a much nicer way of doing things? 211 00:11:56,350 --> 00:11:57,350 Absolutely not. 212 00:11:57,450 --> 00:12:02,310 People are going to love my new laws. They're so much more civilised. 213 00:12:02,590 --> 00:12:03,549 Right, chat? 214 00:12:03,550 --> 00:12:06,870 Right. Hands up, who was the eyes and dangly bits? 215 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,080 Chop, chop. 216 00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:15,200 Attention, people of the Zulu nation. 217 00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:20,240 Our warrior king, Shaka Zulu, has some extremely sad news. 218 00:12:20,580 --> 00:12:22,760 My mother Nandi is dead. 219 00:12:23,380 --> 00:12:29,100 Not only was she an excellent protector, but she was the best chief advisor, a 220 00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:31,380 marauding Zulu warrior king could have asked for. 221 00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,580 As such, I am commanding. 222 00:12:34,970 --> 00:12:39,710 That everyone in the Zulu kingdom will enter a period of mourning. 223 00:12:40,030 --> 00:12:43,770 And that is the end of the announcement. And in honor of my mother. Okay, 224 00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:49,530 there's a little bit more. I decree that during this period of mourning, all 20 225 00:12:49,530 --> 00:12:55,650 ,000 of you gathered here will wail for hours on end. And I want proper tears, 226 00:12:55,830 --> 00:12:59,990 none of these fake tears. Like, oh, no, I am sad. 227 00:13:00,230 --> 00:13:02,930 I want everyone to cry hard. 228 00:13:03,530 --> 00:13:05,030 And two, they are dehydrated. 229 00:13:05,770 --> 00:13:10,330 And how long would you like them to mourn for, Shaka? A day or two days? 230 00:13:10,670 --> 00:13:11,469 One year. 231 00:13:11,470 --> 00:13:12,470 One year? 232 00:13:12,550 --> 00:13:16,130 Anything less would be a disgrace to my poor mother. 233 00:13:16,550 --> 00:13:20,450 And that is the end of the announcement. And also... Really, more? 234 00:13:20,710 --> 00:13:25,590 No one is to plant any crops during this year of mourning. 235 00:13:25,890 --> 00:13:30,510 Shaka, that seems a little extreme. What will the people eat? Excuse me. 236 00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:32,530 Did you not hear that my mother has died? 237 00:13:32,940 --> 00:13:35,560 And all you can think about is food. Show some respect. 238 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,260 Well, you are the king. 239 00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:39,220 And that's this end. And also. 240 00:13:39,660 --> 00:13:46,380 No. He's still going. I want all the milk cows across the nation slaughtered 241 00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:52,200 so all the cows can feel the pain that I am feeling right now. Okay. Maybe let's 242 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:56,020 just, you know, dial this back a little bit. Don't worry about where you will 243 00:13:56,020 --> 00:14:01,220 get your milk. And everyone is banned from drinking it in honor of my mother. 244 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:06,020 Why is no one wailing? The year -long period of mourning started five minutes 245 00:14:06,020 --> 00:14:07,020 ago. Ah. 246 00:14:08,740 --> 00:14:10,480 Ah, you call that wailing? 247 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,280 Yes. Yes, 248 00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,920 yes. That is top -notch wailing. 249 00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:24,300 You are going to kill him for this and take over, right? Yeah, like almost 250 00:14:24,300 --> 00:14:25,460 immediately. What did you say? 251 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:26,680 Nothing. 252 00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:29,880 Yes, that's it. From the diaphragm. 253 00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:34,950 When a king or queen comes to the end of their life, surrounded by their friends 254 00:14:34,950 --> 00:14:39,710 and family, or in Shaka Zulu's case, brutally murdered by them, there has to 255 00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:43,050 a plan for who's going to take over and how they're supposed to rule. 256 00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:47,790 But what's expected of them can sometimes be unexpected. 257 00:14:52,650 --> 00:14:59,010 Prince Edward, His Majesty King Edward has battled hard in his fight against 258 00:14:59,010 --> 00:15:00,010 dysentery. 259 00:15:02,180 --> 00:15:03,600 But he does not have long left. 260 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,440 He wishes to speak with you. 261 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,339 Yes, Father. 262 00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:09,340 What is it? 263 00:15:09,420 --> 00:15:11,920 Son, my time is close at hand. 264 00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:14,860 I want you to promise me one thing. 265 00:15:15,140 --> 00:15:16,140 Of course, Father, anything. 266 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:19,380 I want you to continue my war in Scotland. 267 00:15:20,340 --> 00:15:23,780 Are you sure? We're not doing very well in the war. 268 00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,100 This is my one dying wish. 269 00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:26,740 Yeah, OK, of course. Sorry. 270 00:15:30,570 --> 00:15:31,670 hate the Scottish, son. 271 00:15:32,110 --> 00:15:33,110 I know you do. 272 00:15:35,870 --> 00:15:36,870 Father? 273 00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:38,250 Father! 274 00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:42,150 He's gone. 275 00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,010 There's one other thing. 276 00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:48,490 Yes, Father, what is it? 277 00:15:48,630 --> 00:15:53,850 When I die, I want you to take my body. Of course. And I want you to boil it so 278 00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:54,850 that all the flesh falls off. 279 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,660 Boil it. Then I want you to bury the flesh in the ground. OK, right. But 280 00:15:58,660 --> 00:16:00,300 preserve the bones separately. 281 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,820 Keep them out. 282 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,500 Sorry, Father, where do you want me to keep your bones? Just somewhere 283 00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:07,260 convenient. Like a chest, maybe. 284 00:16:07,540 --> 00:16:11,040 Right, OK, I feel like I'm going to regret asking this, but why do you want 285 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,140 to keep your bones somewhere convenient? 286 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:15,260 So that when the Scottish rebel again... Which they will. 287 00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:20,100 You can go out to Scotland with my bones and ride with them into war. 288 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,860 OK, yep, I do regret asking that, actually. 289 00:16:23,580 --> 00:16:29,100 As long as you have my bones with you, son, you can never be defeated by the 290 00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:30,100 Scots. 291 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:38,220 I can feel the light fading. 292 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:40,440 I'm passing. 293 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:46,180 Tell my people I died as I lived. 294 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,580 What, hating Scottish people and passing? 295 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:53,800 Father? 296 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:54,960 Father! 297 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,280 He's gone. 298 00:17:09,380 --> 00:17:11,900 How is he still farting when he's dead? 299 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:15,760 Sorry. 300 00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:17,140 It was actually me. 301 00:17:19,470 --> 00:17:24,750 It's 1586 and Queen Elizabeth has no children to succeed her. 302 00:17:24,970 --> 00:17:29,070 So it's time to search for England's next king or queen. 303 00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:32,790 Welcome to England's Got Monarch. 304 00:17:33,150 --> 00:17:38,210 Let's meet the judges. The Queen's advisor, Robert Thistle. 305 00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:44,790 Our head judge, Queen Elizabeth. And my master, Francis 306 00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:47,790 Walsingham. Right, let's get this over with. 307 00:17:48,220 --> 00:17:52,500 The first of the Queen's possible successors to audition is Philip II of 308 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:56,680 So, what are you going to do for us today? I am going to destroy the Church 309 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,480 England and restore this country to the Catholic Church. 310 00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:02,120 I'm also available for marriage, if that makes things simple. 311 00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:03,820 No, 312 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,300 I don't think you're right for this country. It's a no from me. 313 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:09,840 It's a no today. 314 00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:15,440 But it'll be a ah, ah, si, si when I return here in a year with my Spanish 315 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,440 Armada. 316 00:18:16,780 --> 00:18:18,780 I mean, just a terrible attitude. 317 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,740 Our next suitor believes he has a stronger claim to the throne. 318 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,340 Henry Hastings, my great -grandmother and my... Oh! 319 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:32,820 ...mother's child was a distant relative to the Plantagenet 320 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,360 kings, I think. 321 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:39,640 Next, 322 00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:44,740 someone with an even better claim. It's Elizabeth's cousin and the great 323 00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:46,040 -granddaughter of Henry VII. 324 00:18:46,570 --> 00:18:47,590 Mary, Queen of Scots. 325 00:18:47,870 --> 00:18:53,950 Who are you? And what do you have that the other hopefuls don't? I am Mary 326 00:18:53,950 --> 00:18:59,730 Stewart and I've been plotting your downfall. I mean, I'm dreaming of being 327 00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:01,630 Queen of England since I was a little girl. 328 00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:07,290 I already have lots of experience because I've been the Queen of Scotland 329 00:19:07,290 --> 00:19:08,390 the Queen of France. 330 00:19:09,290 --> 00:19:13,630 Oh, and are you working as a professional queen at the moment? No. 331 00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:17,730 Because you've had me locked up in a castle for nearly 20 years. 332 00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:19,290 Oh, yes. 333 00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:23,870 You tried to have me deposed and killed several times. 334 00:19:24,310 --> 00:19:25,009 No, not after. 335 00:19:25,010 --> 00:19:26,010 I can't remember. 336 00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:28,810 Every time. 337 00:19:29,170 --> 00:19:32,550 It's fair to say it's not going well, and the judges are almost ready to give 338 00:19:32,550 --> 00:19:33,550 up. 339 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:41,260 But there's one last hopeful trying to become England's next monarch, Mary, 340 00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:43,280 Queen of Scots' son, James. 341 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:47,520 Hi, I'm James VI, and I'm King of Scotland. 342 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,960 Didn't we just have a Queen of Scotland? 343 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:54,200 Oh, my mother. And how do you feel about the fact that I have her in prison? 344 00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:56,820 It's just nice of you to put her up. 345 00:19:57,140 --> 00:20:03,140 Oh, there's also a chance that I might, probably will, have her executed at some 346 00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:07,340 point. Tough at the top. Oh, I like you. How do you feel about Catholicism? 347 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,700 I'm a Protestant, baby. 348 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,040 Oh! 349 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,300 Lizzy likey. 350 00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:17,980 Oh! He's done it! Say hello to King James I of England. Well done, mate. 351 00:20:18,220 --> 00:20:21,260 I can't believe I'm going to be King of England as well as Scotland! 352 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:25,080 Well, maybe. Frankly, I'll probably leave the final decision of my courtiers 353 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,760 once I'm dead, but you enjoy that moment. 354 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:28,999 Oh, yeah. 355 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,640 I'm going to be the Ingress King. 356 00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:31,900 Go you! 357 00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:42,880 James did indeed end up also being the English king. 358 00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:48,420 Now, sometimes people thought their kings or queens were such a pain in the 359 00:20:48,420 --> 00:20:53,040 that they tried to get rid of them. When Guy Fawkes and his gang tried, and 360 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:57,780 failed, to do just that, King Jimmy wanted to remind everyone of Guy's epic 361 00:20:57,780 --> 00:20:59,800 fail. Every year. 362 00:21:00,540 --> 00:21:01,540 Forever. 363 00:21:03,510 --> 00:21:07,830 Bang! Ha ha ha, the fun we had. This is Jimmy on the Street. 364 00:21:08,030 --> 00:21:12,750 I'm James I, or Jimmy VI, if you've caught it. And the best day of the year 365 00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:18,570 finally here. The 5th of November, 1606. The day we all celebrate me still being 366 00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:19,570 alive. 367 00:21:20,030 --> 00:21:20,969 Cheer, Robert. 368 00:21:20,970 --> 00:21:22,370 Yay. Yay! 369 00:21:22,970 --> 00:21:27,170 My advisor, Robert Cecil, here is right to cheer. What a day! 370 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,560 You, if you could say one word, what would it be? No one cares. Okay, come 371 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,240 Oh, you, unnamed female, what are you doing? 372 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,140 Uh, building a bonfire. 373 00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:42,800 Why? Because you ordered us to celebrate. 374 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,660 Well, what are you waiting for? 375 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,040 To burn everything. 376 00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:51,680 To celebrate me not getting burned. Yes, one whole day to reflect on what an 377 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:55,940 absolute blessing it was that I didn't get bumped off by that mean old guy Foch 378 00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:59,360 and his wee pals. And that is today, the 5th of November. 379 00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:01,600 Should be the 4th, really. 380 00:22:02,350 --> 00:22:03,710 But you've got something to say, Cecil. 381 00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:08,670 Well, Guy Fawkes was discovered on the 4th of November, so technically we 382 00:22:08,670 --> 00:22:09,670 have celebrated yesterday. 383 00:22:10,750 --> 00:22:12,250 Is there a day to celebrate you, Robert? 384 00:22:13,170 --> 00:22:14,170 No, Your Majesty. 385 00:22:14,610 --> 00:22:20,050 No, there isn't. Well, there is for me, pal, and that is today, the 5th of 386 00:22:20,050 --> 00:22:21,050 November. 387 00:22:21,430 --> 00:22:24,130 Which way? Which way, Cecil? No, this way. 388 00:22:24,350 --> 00:22:24,929 What about you? 389 00:22:24,930 --> 00:22:25,930 Oh, you're too wooden. 390 00:22:26,670 --> 00:22:27,670 First! 391 00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:34,310 It's just going to keep getting bigger. I'm picturing gun salute, bell ringing, 392 00:22:34,530 --> 00:22:40,250 you know, mayoral procession. And in July, Christian of Denmark even brought 393 00:22:40,250 --> 00:22:43,590 a firework which we let off in celebration. Tell them about it. 394 00:22:43,890 --> 00:22:47,290 It was broad daylight in the middle of July, so when it went off, no -one could 395 00:22:47,290 --> 00:22:48,290 really see anything. 396 00:22:50,750 --> 00:22:52,430 Which made it all the more impressive. 397 00:22:53,850 --> 00:22:57,430 He's not wrong! So many chances to celebrate your faith! 398 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,220 Me, the 5th of November. Don't forget that date. 399 00:23:01,660 --> 00:23:05,600 Expecting people to be celebrating that date for many centuries to come. 400 00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:07,960 Remember, remember the 5th of November. 401 00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:10,580 That's stupid. That rhyme could literally apply to any day in November. 402 00:23:10,980 --> 00:23:12,360 It could be the 4th of November. 403 00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:14,800 No. You! 404 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:16,480 Celebrate me more! 405 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,940 Why is that on fire? Everything should be on fire! 406 00:23:22,860 --> 00:23:27,260 sorting out the beefs of the past. Pharaoh Kaput, don't tell me how to run 407 00:23:27,260 --> 00:23:30,560 great courtroom. I don't tell you how to build a great pyramid. 408 00:23:30,900 --> 00:23:32,540 With the justice of today. 409 00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:35,120 Although pointy -thighed up, just say. 410 00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:38,080 Welcome to Time Beats with Judge Rinder. 411 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:45,060 Empress Dowager Serchi of the Qin Dynasty China is going up against her 412 00:23:45,060 --> 00:23:49,900 and royal rival, Queen Victoria, regarding a rebellion taking place in 413 00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:50,900 1899. 414 00:23:51,860 --> 00:23:56,460 Right, now, you might be the combined rulers of over 800 million people, but 415 00:23:56,460 --> 00:23:58,140 this courtroom, I'm in charge. 416 00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,400 Now, Empress, what's the issue? 417 00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:05,040 We're having a slight disagreement about how her country won't stop invading 418 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,280 Mars. Oh, here we go. 419 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:07,520 Uh, talking! 420 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:08,760 Shh! 421 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:13,260 It all started with the boxers. Oh, I love boxers. Let's get ready to render! 422 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:17,780 No, no, no, not that kind of boxer, babe. The boxers are a secret society of 423 00:24:17,780 --> 00:24:19,700 people in China, and they've started a rebellion. 424 00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:23,310 Now! Britain is using that as an excuse to invade. 425 00:24:23,870 --> 00:24:24,870 Ha, ha, ha. 426 00:24:24,930 --> 00:24:30,490 Classic us. So, I send telegrams to Queen Victoria, reminding her of our 427 00:24:30,490 --> 00:24:34,470 connection. We're both older leaders ruling over vast populations. 428 00:24:34,770 --> 00:24:38,730 No, she is obsessed with me. Apparently, she has a portrait of me in her room. 429 00:24:38,830 --> 00:24:39,830 But she's a small one. 430 00:24:39,970 --> 00:24:40,429 You see? 431 00:24:40,430 --> 00:24:44,890 Well, at least I run my empire. You have hardly anything to do with your 432 00:24:44,890 --> 00:24:45,890 country's decisions. 433 00:24:46,170 --> 00:24:50,380 I am just as much of an empress as you are. Then will you stop invading? My 434 00:24:50,380 --> 00:24:54,260 country and stealing things. Oh, how dare you? I do not steal things. 435 00:24:54,620 --> 00:24:56,080 Oh, yeah? Tell them about the dog. 436 00:24:56,640 --> 00:25:02,100 What about the dog? Well, your lovely industry, one of my returning soldiers 437 00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:06,520 brought me back a darling little Pekingese from China, which, it just so 438 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,000 happened, had been looted from her palace. 439 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:10,980 But how was I to know it had been looted? 440 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:12,860 They called the dog Looty. 441 00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:14,220 Baby, 442 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,980 she likes playing the lute. She stole the dog from me. 443 00:25:17,260 --> 00:25:19,140 I want a dog from her. What? Give me. 444 00:25:19,530 --> 00:25:23,250 Right, we're obviously not going to sort this out today. I suggest we adjourn 445 00:25:23,250 --> 00:25:24,910 and come back tomorrow. 446 00:25:25,210 --> 00:25:27,070 No, soz, babes. I'm not available tomorrow. 447 00:25:27,350 --> 00:25:28,350 Why on earth not? 448 00:25:28,390 --> 00:25:29,390 We're evading China. 449 00:25:31,610 --> 00:25:32,610 Unbelievable. 450 00:25:33,370 --> 00:25:37,810 Well, it's almost time for me to hang up my crown and step down from the throne. 451 00:25:38,090 --> 00:25:40,470 Although, I'll always be king of the floaters. 452 00:25:41,730 --> 00:25:45,490 Not every king can say that with confidence. 453 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:51,520 The flagships belonging to King Henry VIII, Swedish King Gustavus Adolphus and 454 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:57,220 King Henry I all sank rather spectacularly close to where they set 455 00:25:57,220 --> 00:25:59,040 that certainly didn't float the king's boats. 456 00:25:59,300 --> 00:26:02,560 But don't take my word for it. Here they are to play us out. 457 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,480 Oh, my goodness. 458 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:06,980 Look at that boat. 459 00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:12,280 Isn't that boat the white ship? King Henry's son, William of Delon, is on 460 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,280 that boat. 461 00:26:13,580 --> 00:26:17,270 We sail big boats. But they made us cry. 462 00:26:17,570 --> 00:26:21,250 The survivor of the wreck told I. The white ship went down with the air to the 463 00:26:21,250 --> 00:26:23,830 crown. The ship hit a rock and a leak. Got sprung. 464 00:26:24,090 --> 00:26:26,690 Because they took a chance when they sailed home from France. 465 00:26:26,890 --> 00:26:28,570 They set off in the dark. 466 00:26:28,790 --> 00:26:30,450 They thought it was a lark. 467 00:26:30,730 --> 00:26:34,010 The crew were drunk. My air got sunk. Didn't make it to shore. Now there's 468 00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:37,810 to be war. Hey, nobles. Yeah. Nobles. Yeah. Who'll be king now when I die? 469 00:26:40,370 --> 00:26:43,110 I use big boats when I fight in France. 470 00:26:43,530 --> 00:26:45,110 But we wanted too much of a chance. 471 00:26:45,530 --> 00:26:48,490 The Mary Rose got binned when she turned in the wind. The water poured in and 472 00:26:48,490 --> 00:26:51,210 she got socked. The gun poured quite close. 473 00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:52,630 She's got holes. 474 00:26:52,990 --> 00:26:54,530 Lucky like a no -leaf clover. 475 00:26:54,790 --> 00:26:59,970 When the ship tilted over, she went down 400 drowns. But the French Armada, they 476 00:26:59,970 --> 00:27:00,949 achieved nada. 477 00:27:00,950 --> 00:27:02,850 Because we've got other boats. 478 00:27:03,050 --> 00:27:06,070 Yeah. Boats. Yeah. We like big boats. Yeah. 479 00:27:06,470 --> 00:27:07,429 Yo, yo. 480 00:27:07,430 --> 00:27:09,970 MC King Gustafus' office on the deck. 481 00:27:10,190 --> 00:27:11,650 Well, on the deck. 482 00:27:12,290 --> 00:27:14,990 A boat, big, most of it's written on the map. 483 00:27:15,290 --> 00:27:16,850 The first horse in the crowd began to clap. 484 00:27:17,050 --> 00:27:19,150 The water was a butte. Costas were aloof. 485 00:27:19,370 --> 00:27:21,430 One gust of wind, and she got sunk. 486 00:27:22,050 --> 00:27:24,810 Eret, when it was built, made the ship he was built. 487 00:27:25,010 --> 00:27:28,130 Its hatches fit the thunder, and the water dragged her under. 488 00:27:28,410 --> 00:27:29,970 Would it help us rule the seas? 489 00:27:30,190 --> 00:27:31,770 But we're sunk by gentle breeze. 490 00:27:32,110 --> 00:27:36,450 As the world stood and watched, they saw our plans botched. Hey, you! 491 00:27:36,670 --> 00:27:38,330 Yeah? Did you see the boat go down? 492 00:27:38,630 --> 00:27:40,790 Yeah? Fancy pretending it didn't happen? 493 00:27:41,010 --> 00:27:42,670 No. Worth a try. 494 00:27:44,910 --> 00:27:46,770 I had big votes, but they made us cry. 495 00:27:47,070 --> 00:27:48,610 I hoped that things would arrive. 496 00:27:49,010 --> 00:27:53,810 The memory makes us wince, cause our ship took a rinse. We're legends ever 497 00:27:53,810 --> 00:27:56,090 since, cause each ship got... 41034

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