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Horrible Histories Horrible

Histories presents Crafty Cleopatra Of
all

Egyptian rulers, Cleopatra was unique.

And even more amazing, she was actually
more Greek.

Popular in Egypt, renowned for each
affair, with Caesar Antony and for a

shiny hair.

Her dad thought what a great leader she
was, a terror plus.

She wed not one but two brothers, how
things worked then, no fuss.

Egypt and Rome were battling a feeble
war and strife. And nothing shows this

quite so well as Cleopatra's life.

In the land of the Pharaoh, a family
destined to rule.

Welcome to The Egyptians.

Dear Petra, my daughter, daddy's little
queen.

Daddy's little princess.

No, no, daddy's little queen. We're
getting married.

A bit weird.

Don't. Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.

It just makes my rules stronger if my
heir is also my queen.

Now I can rule for years.

The king is dead.

At least I'm not married to my dad
anymore.

True. Now you're going to marry your
little brother.

Weird again.

You're weird.

You're weird.

Whatever, Clint.

Egyptian!

Oh, I hate you!

I hate you more!

Yeah? Well, I'm going to take over Egypt
and get rid of you!

Yeah! You and whose army?

I see.

Find out what happens next on The
Egyptians.

Now.

What's going on? There's a reindeer in
the orphanage.

Sometimes in history, you find a person
who is so fond of crazy, foolish

behaviour that they deserve a special
mention, yeah?

So, Ptolemy... It's Ptolemy, bruv. What
is it? Ptolemy. Oh, I see.

Ptolemy XIII of Ancient Egypt. I'm
talking about you, you idiot!

Ah, bless.

This is Ptolemy, showing off, playing
with his sword and that. I hate you,

Cleopatra! I totally hate you! That's
OK, Pam.

He's your older sister.

You'll get over it. I declare civil war!

Unless you do that, what are you
thinking, Pharaoh fool?

Meet superpower Roman Julius Caesar.

Ptolemy wanted this guy's help to kill
Cleopatra, so he sent the man a gift.

Nothing crazy about that, yeah?

Everyone loves a gift.

Unless it's your friend's head in a box.

Oh, no!

That head belongs to Roman General
Pompey. Caesar and Pompey have been at

like they were fighting and stuff, but
they were still friends, yeah?

Crazy fool Ptolemy. What's wrong with a
box of chocolates?

I like the ones that are like a
semicircle with a hazelnut in the top.

Caesar got so mad about their head in
the boxing that he ended up on

side. You idiot, Ptolemy. What are you
doing?

And when Caesar walked Ptolemy's behind
at the Battle of the Nile, the kid had

no choice.

Give it up, son.

Or try and swim away wearing a full suit
of super heavy armour.

That is not going to work.

So that was Ptolemy the 13th of Egypt.
The fool that sank without a trace.

next week, stay away from stupid Rob,
yeah?

What's for lunch?

Chopped and chopped.

I like that.

Ptolemy XIII really did drown trying to
swim away in his armour. He thought he

could make it, but he was in denial.

You know, the river, denial.

Oh, suit yourself.

So Cleopatra was left in charge of
Egypt. She was known for being a bit of

hottie. She had brains as well as
beauty.

A bit like me.

Name. Cleopatra.

Specialist subject.

How about everything?

Your questions on the subject of
everything begin now.

Who's the first astronomer to calculate
the size of the Earth?

Aristophanes. Correct. Who's the main
character in the Iliad? Achilles, or in

the original Greek, Achillea.

I speak nine languages.

Correct, you do.

Which ear -shaped musical instrument was
invented by Perpendos? The seven

-stringed lyre. I also know how to play
it.

That was beautiful.

What is toxicology?

The study of poison.

Correct. Advanced by Hippocrates, who
learned how to control the absorption of

toxic material.

When are the hard questions coming?

What's the simple, quick way to increase
a nation's exports?

To value your currency. Correct. Who
built? Alexander the Great. Correct.

Aristotle. Correct.

And that's the buzzer. I answered all my
questions correct, with no passes.

Um, correct.

I'm not just a pretty face.

Now, let's talk a little bit more about
poison.

Oh.

The smitten Caesar went to visit
beautiful Cleopatra in Egypt.

When he got there, he might have
expected slippery snakes, but not

floors. Aha!

Caesar! Your brother's forces have been
defeated.

Oh! I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Your brother's soldiers have been
defeated.

He has died, drowned in the Nile,
weighed down by his suit of armor. No

touch you anymore. Consider yourself
under the protection of mighty Rome.

I'm fine. I'll pay for that. You're all
right.

I'm fine.

I'm afraid the expensive marble floors
of our palaces here in Alexandria were

not designed for your Roman cob -nailed
boots.

We're trying.

You're once again queen of... Once
again, you'll be... Once again, queen

of Egypt. And with Rome's support, you
will stay there.

There's nothing any of your family can
do about it.

No one will be able to take the throne
away from you again.

Peter, how can I repay you?

There is one thing.

Whatever you wish. The wealth of Egypt
is yours, even its queen.

Name your price.

Can you put some rocks down?

Possibly. There you are.

Oh, they've torn.

I have a question for you.

When I became Pharaoh, aged only 18, how
old was the Great Pyramid of Giza

by that point?

Was it A.

It was brand new, B.

About 2 ,500 years old, or C.

About 250 years old?

And the answer is B.

Yes, even before me, ancient Egypt had
been around for 3 ,000 years.

So the Great Pyramid is about as old to
me as the Parthenon in Athens is to you.

To think I thought Julius Caesar was old
for being in his fifties.

Cleopatra and Caesar eventually got
married in Egypt and she became

But both the Romans and the Egyptians
had some pretty strange ideas when it

to giving birth. Aha!

Cleopatra's been in labour now for six
hours with her first baby.

Everyone is nervous.

I've never helped the living embodiment
of a god give birth before. It's scary.

If something goes wrong, I'll die.

Like, I will literally be killed.

But we've got a bucket of blood, so we
should be fine.

Get it nice and high, Diane, cos they're
coming through the roof.

We smear it on the wall to keep our
spirits away.

Just a bit of fun.

Get in trouble, they'll leave it.

I want Caesar.

I want him to hold my hand.

So I can squeeze it and show him how
much it costs.

I know.

Your Majesty.

But Caesar is still at work, caught up
in some last -minute rebellion crushing.

But he is sending one of his men to
throw a spear that's just killed someone

battle over the house for good luck. So
he is doing everything he can.

What? It's a Roman thing.

Oi! Over the house, not through it!
Sorry.

Romans are weird.

Is there enough blood on the wall?

Diane, blood.

Thankfully, Cleopatra has given birth to
a healthy baby boy, called Caesarian.

Right, everyone out. We're locking
ourselves in here for seven days and

frankincense and myrrh to keep away evil
spirits.

Seven days?

Yes.

Ow!

Sorry,

it's just a really tall building. Oh, it
really stings.

They say there's one born every minute.
Not like that there isn't.

During the time of Cleopatra, the ideas
of the ancient Chinese philosopher

Confucius were growing in popularity,
and he had loads of fans all around the

world, even if at times he could be
Confuciusly confusing.

He's the man who's cracking one line as
they're still pulling in the crowd 400

years after he died, Confucius. What you
do not want done to yourself, do not do

to others.

cautious people rarely make mistakes.

Real knowledge is knowing how little you
know.

It's the Confucius stand -up DVD.

Those lines are hundreds of years old,
but they're still so relevant even

They are classic. They're absolutely
classic.

Yeah, my favourite one was, never eat
yellow snow.

He didn't say that.

No, he didn't say that. He didn't say
that. The philosopher who said so many

brilliant things that whenever anything
brilliant is said now, people think he

came up with it.

Confucius said, he who goes to bed...
with an itchy bottom will wake up with a

smelly finger.

That definitely wasn't him. That is well
gross. That is well gross.

Confucius said stuff like, when a
country is run well, poverty is a thing

ashamed of.

When a country is run badly, riches are
a thing to be ashamed of.

You're mine of funnier.

Confucius, the greatest one -liner in
history.

Confucius said, when many birds flock
together, wear a hat.

No, he didn't.

He might have done. He didn't say that.
He might have done. He didn't say that.

He didn't say that. In the middle of a
sentence, he might have done it very

well. He didn't say that. He didn't say
that. You weren't there. He didn't say

that. You don't know him. The superior
man understands what is right.

The inferior man understands what will
sell.

And this will sell.

Hang on, does that make me inferior?

I don't care.

What Cleo did next.

Cleopatra has arrived in Rome with new
beau Julius Caesar. But there are two

problems. One, their marriage isn't
recognised by Roman law. And two, he

has a wife, Calpurnia. I've got two
husbands. What's the problem?

Didn't Ptolemy get killed?

Different Ptolemy.

I've been married to, um, three?

Didn't I tell you I got married again?
This one's my other brother.

Egyptian tradition.

Yes. I've got two husbands and Caesar
has two wives.

I'm the one in Egypt and Calpurnia's the
one in Rome.

Isn't that right, Caesar?

Simple. But you're in Rome with him now.

Yes, and I love it. And they love me.

Cleopatra is hotter property than ever,
and her extravagant style is taking Rome

by storm. The homes, the jewels, the
Roman ladies are loving it. She is so

beautiful and so bling. I love the
Egyptian hairstyle.

But stupid Roman law only lets us girls
wear half an ounce of jewellery.

Cleopatra was about a bucket full. We've
never felt so inadequate.

We love her!

But it's not just the girl's head
Cleopatra is turning.

Mark Antony, what are your thoughts on
this?

Put it in my pigeonhole.

But what does Cleopatra think?

I'm just going to...

About all the male attention.

Mark Antony is the next most powerful
man in Rome, and I heard he drives a

chariot called by lions. But seriously,
my Caesar's the only man for me. Get

used to me, Rome.

Caesar ain't going nowhere, and neither
am I. Together forever.

Julius Caesar has been assassinated.

Oh, no!

Not my beloved!

The light of my life!

Does anyone here see Mark Antony?

Caesar was assassinated by his rivals in
Rome and crafty Cleopatra was left all

alone. But not for long, no, she quickly
found herself another Roman general.

You guessed it, Mark Antony.

True, he was already married, but you've
got to move fast to stay on top.

In order to impress Mark Anthony, I once
bet him I could consume a meal worth 10

million silver coins.

How did I do it?

Did I, A, carve all the food from gold,
B, swallow my pearl earring, or C,

invite the entire Roman army to dinner?

And the answer is B.

I swallowed my pearl earring. Don't try
that at home.

The earring was worth ten million silver
coins.

So to show him how much money I had, I
dissolved it in vinegar and ate it for

starter.

Life in Rome was certainly extravagant
for Cleopatra. But for ordinary people,

it wasn't all glitz and glamour.

Whee!

Give me a whee!

Anyone?

You took the short straw collecting from
here, didn't you?

Oh, I don't mind.

Wee's important for my leather work, and
someone's got to collect it. Well, I

agree with you there, young man.

It's all part of the great Roman system.

People fill the pots on their streets
with wee. You collect it and use it to

soften the leather that ends up on the
feet and backs of every soldier and

citizen across the empire.

No, the bad luck isn't collecting it.
It's collecting it here.

Oh, it's because a crowded, smelly slum
like this is probably full of thieves.

Please. It is smelly, and I was robbed
only moments ago, but that's not why

unlucky. OK, I give up. Why is it bad
luck to collect around here?

Because the people who live on the
higher floors can't be bothered to come

here to empty their wee buckets.

What would you know?

They just chuck it out the window.

That's some top quality weed.

That wheelie did happen.

But if life in Rome wasn't always as
sophisticated as you might think, over

Britain it was positively primitive,
with some unusual ideas about money.

Hello. Do you sell cows?

Yes, we do. Do you want to see our
catalogue? Yes, please.

Thank you.

Yeah,

they all look great.

I will take this one, please. Excellent
choice, sir. You have a keen eye.

That'll be two sets, please.

And how much is a set worth, is this?

Under the current exchange rate, one set
is worth half a cow.

No, Titania!

So, if one set is half a cow, and each
of your cows costs two sets... then the

cost of one cow from you is... One cow,
precisely.

So one cow costs one cow.

That's it, Phil.

Keen eye and a keen mind.

Well, luckily, I have one cow exactly.

Oh, perfect.

Do you want to save time and just keep
that? Yeah.

Yeah, I think I will, actually.

To be honest, I'm beginning to see why
the Romans prefer using money.

Back in Rome, Caesar's nephew Octavian
was growing in power, and so was his

anger at Mark Antony, who was cuddling
up to kissy Queen Cleopatra over in

Egypt. Well, Gels, not really.

Octavian just didn't want to share power
with Mark Antony. But convincing his

generals to go to war against another
Roman wasn't going to be easy.

Tell them about their time.

You know the time with the horse. The
horse is a lion on the ground, right?

got the axe.

Sorry.

Sorry. Could I have this back, please?

It's my seal skin and it protects me
from lightning strikes.

So important.

Can we have some quiet, please?

Thank you. Just a brief announcement.

Mark Antony is corrupt and out of
control, guys.

He's an enemy of Rome.

And I must insist, we go to war.

No, no, no, Mark Antony's a top bloke. A
total geezer. I fought with him in

Gaul. Loads of banter, loads of murder.
I love it. I don't care. We're going to

war, OK?

He's a traitor and a bigamist. OK, he
married Cleopatra when he was still

married to a Roman. My sister Octavia,
who's terribly upset, by the way, no

other Roman has ever done that.

Well, apart from your uncle Caesar when
he married Cleopatra.

Nice one, sir.

Ha, ha. Leave my uncle out of this.
Besides, Cleopatra disgusts me. She's

married to her own son.

Yeah, but that's just a ceremonial
marriage, ain't it? Hello?

It's, like, totally gross.

She is a menace.

Look, Caesar's dead now. Good luck to
the lad. Yeah, all's fair in love and

Yes, war is exactly what we need.

Mark Antony and Cleopatra have already
crowned their children rulers of

Libya and Syria. Without our permission,
guys!

Come on!

Their oldest child's only six. I mean,
what's he going to do?

Dribble on us because we won't let him
stay up past his bedtime?

Ha -ha!

He's debauched! He's corrupt!

And he started wearing make -up!

What? Look at this. He started wearing
make -up. What?

Yeah. A spy gave me this. Roman soldiers
don't wear make -up. What's next?

Flowers in his hair? No, no, no. Enough
is enough.

Yeah, she's a bad influence.

Exactly. It's kind of war with
Cleopatra.

Come on.

Follow the dush. Dush, dush, dush, dush,
dush, dush, dush, dush, dush. Boom.

Yes.

Well, actually, a bad look, really.

Defeated by Octavian, that we'd we don't
respect our faction killed in Actium as

my poor aunt has been decked. Yeah, I
was wrecked. Now it's

T -A -T -E -N -D, I'm sure that spells
the end for me.

Octavian will -

I'm so depressed.

How did it come to this?

Octavian don't like me cause I dumped
his plan. For queen.

Capture Cleo. Octavian must not take
Mio.

She'll kill herself just for me? She
must adore me.

I'll foil Octavian with this plot.

She's dead.

Not yet, I'm not.

She must not die.

So much more popular than me. And so I
die.

This will look bad on my TV.

Antony and Cleo gone.

Both Cleopatra and Mark Antony died
after losing the battle with Octavian.

that nerdy boy became Emperor Augustus,
the first emperor of Rome.

He ruled, man. Yeah, he really did.

He even had Cleo's son, Caesarian,
bumped off for good measure.

But Cleopatra would always be remembered
for her beauty and brains.

Oh, and plenty of deaths, too.

Let's see what she's got to say about
that.

Chatty death, chatty death, my grisly
interviews.

Chatty death, chatty death, the dead and
famous twos.

And then he said, I always have a mummy
around in case I run out of toilet

paper.

What? Oh!

Welcome back to Chatty Death with me,
Death.

Please give a warm welcome to my next
guest, former pharaoh of Egypt.

It's Cleopatra.

I'm a big fan, big fan, big fan of Cleo.

So tell me, you're remembered as one of
the most beautiful women who ever lived.

A stone cold stunner. A stone cold
stunner.

Because she's dead. No, not for you.
Fine.

It's nice.

to be remembered for being beautiful,
but I was much more than just a pretty

face. Yeah, you were a deadly face as
well. You know, everyone around you

to have met with quite a grisly end.

Harsh. Not that I've made a list, but I
have made a list.

Let's see. So your husband, Caesar, he
was stabbed to death by his mate,

Not entirely your fault, but... Your
boyfriend, Mark Anthony, he killed

That was definitely over you.

You went to war with your brother. He
drowned after a battle.

Nice one!

Now, remind me what happened to your
other brother.

He ate something that didn't agree with
him. Ooh. I believe it was poison.

Hoo -hoo -hoo -hoo!

You bad girl!

Then there was your sister, Arsinoe,
killed on the steps of a temple.

it's a good job this isn't one of these
family reunion shows. The room would

just be full of people you'd had killed.

Wasn't easy being a female pharaoh.

All I did, I did to keep a hold of my
throne.

Yeah? Well, here's one throne you won't
be able to hold on to.

Can't say Pharaoh than that.

Pharaoh, that's a good one.

Oh, is this on?

Is that on?

Anyway, what are you doing tonight,
guys?

Fancy coming for some ribs? Most of you
have already eaten.

I'm wasted here.

Wasted.

Oh, dear.

Catty death, catty death. Hope next time
it's not you. Hoo -hoo!

Tall tale. We gave you all the best and
facts. We showed you all the gypsy bits.

Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel.

Stuff they don't teach you at school.
The path is no longer a mystery.

Hope you enjoyed Horrible History.