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A Mystery, Welcome To...

Horrible Histories Horrible

Histories presents Wicked William the
Conqueror.

King William the Conqueror spoke French,
but here's the thing.

He'll always be most famous as... A
warrior English king.

We all know tough guy William won the
Battle of Hastings. Poor Harold never

stood a chance. The mightiest of
Hastings. And even after he was crowned

England subdued, he slaughtered
peasants, fought the church. That

a feud.

To our most famous history date, there
is one name that sticks.

The name?

William the Conqueror. The date?

1066.

You were standing too close.

Looks weird.

Previously on The Norman.

Norman, you look more like a viking.

Well, we used to be viking.

Oh, yes. The word Norman comes from
Norman.

Well, at least you're not violent and
horrible like a viking.

Me and my big mouth. Who will defeat
Saxon king Edward the Confessor?

Saxon brother -in -law, Harold.

Oh, had any children yet, your majesty?

I'm far too religious for that.

Or his French cousin, the Norman duke,
William.

Edward the Confessor?

He has promised me the English throne.

And just to clarify then, when you die,
I'm going to be king, aren't I?

Hang on.

You said I could be king when you die?

Okay. What?

So that's that sorted then.

The Norman.

Catch it now.

So the Saxon Harold and the Norman
William both believed they would one day

king of... England.

Well, that's going to be awkward.

And even though they were bitter rivals,
they still hung out together like

proper busy mates.

Well, sort of.

Here you go, mate.

So, thank you for helping me out
fighting the Duke of Brittany, mate.

Oh, right, yeah. Well, you know,
whenever you need your support, mate.

I know, mate. You'll be there, mate.

I'll be there, mate.

Don't hate me, mate.

Sorry, I... I just thought, cos you...
I'm missing, mate!

Yeah, of course, mate, for life.
Fantastic, mate.

Because I am going to claim the English
throne when Edward the Confessor dies,

so you support me and we're all good.
King and mates for life. Eh, mate?

Ow. Erm... Yeah.

Great. Yep.

Grr.

Sorry, mate. It's all good. All good.

So, in that case, you won't mind
swearing on these religious relics?

Not sure.

Come on, mate.

Swear, mate.

I swear to support you as my best mate.

And? Say it, mate.

And that's my king.

Although that is legally binding.

But there we are. Best mates forever,
yacht mate.

Yes, best mate.

For now.

I mean forever.

Harold decided to return home to
England, where soon after King Edward

Confessor died.

And back in France, it wasn't long
before news reached William that things

hadn't quite gone according to his plan.

Find out what's new in the world.

This is?

Edmund the Confessor is dead?

Oh, brilliant!

That means that I, William, Duke of
Normandy, am now King of England!

Oh, wait a minute.

This is King Harold?

There must be some kind of mistake.

Ask them if they do it in gold. Hello.

Hello, mate.

What is this?

The confessor is dead and you are king?
I confess.

It's true.

Do you get it?

Confessor, confess.

Sorry, I've been wanting to do that one
all morning.

Yeah, the nobles elected me king, so
what can you do?

It's on chain mail online, so it must be
true.

But Eddie promised me that I could be
king of England.

Sorry, mate. Wish I could talk longer,
but I booked out Westminster Abbey on

lastminutecoronations .com. Wish me
luck.

Incredible.

This means war.

William! So what do I owe the pleasure?

Ah, Your Holiness.

Please forgive me disturbing you, but it
is super important that you back my new

project on King's Data.

Who are you attacking this time?

Oh, I must invade England immediately
and defeat Harold Godwin.

Okay. I'll do it right now via PayPal,
pal.

Merci, Your Holiness. Thank you.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

We sail at dawn.

Call the police, there's a badger up my
nana's. So check it.

A lot of time, history is written down
by the people who have killed all the

other people who might have written it
down.

So it's no surprise that they tend to
come out looking pretty good. Let me

you, yeah?

No fool is perfect.

William the Conqueror.

He's just arrived in England, ready to
kick some sacks and bark.

He wants to make a fierce first
impression, yeah?

Shame he fell over like a massive clumsy
fool.

William the Clown, more like.

Hey, see how easily I grab arrows'
lands.

Pull the other one, Willie. You didn't
mean to do that.

Ha -ha!

Idiot. Mind this thing here.

Hardly anyone remembers that little
stumble. But I do.

Crazy fools think they can hide in
history, but they better wake up and

apologise. I'll never forget. I'm like
an efferlin.

Until next time, stay away from stupid y
'all.

Jed, it's a bath.

With some oil and some salt.

If you please.

Hello, I'm Geoff Reason and welcome to
Battles of the Day, live from 1066 with

one of the most famous fights in British
history. It's big, it's brutal, it's

bloody and boy are we looking forward to
it. It's the Saxons versus the Normans

at the Battle of Hastings.

Combining tactical analysis with a mix
of murder and mayhem, it's Jamie Cattle.

So Jamie, 1066.

If William defeats Harold today, we'll
have a new king. That's three in one

year. How on earth will they sort all
this out?

They'll kill each other, Geoff.

Exhausting stuff.

And there's no let -up, because Harold
is about to face his biggest test.

This man, William, Duke of Normandy.
Well, at the end of the day, Brian, I'm

trying to get what has been promised to
me.

I'm trying to be reasonable.

You've been looting, burning and killing
everything in sight for three days.

Well, that's not very reasonable, but
look, the Pope has given me his seal of

approval, so I'm just fighting for what
is legally matched.

But with the two armies so evenly
matched, the chances of either side

massacred are getting slimmer and
slimmer. What's the answer, Jamie?

Retreat, Jeff.

Sounds mad, I know, but look at this.

The Normans pretend to run away, and the
trick draws the Saxons off the higher

ground, completely breaking up their
defence, leaving them open to counter

-attack from William. Who's been killed?

Oh, my word! We can confirm that Duke
William of Normandy is dead. Oh!

Chris Steikholmer. He's not dead, Geoff,
but someone said he was, and the

Normans are retreating for real now.
It's madness.

Where are they going to run to, Geoff?

France? Stop!

Wait!

Look! I am alive!

And with God's help, I will conquer.

Come back!

Come back!

They'll need more than God's help if
they don't come back, Jamie. But the

Normans have turned back, Geoff. William
must have talked them round.

And with the Saxons spread out all over
the place, the Norman cavalry can really

get amongst them now and cut them down
with ease. It's turned into a massacre

after all, Geoff.

Especially for Harold Godwinson, who was
surrounded by Norman knights and hacked

to pieces.

And definitely not shot in the eye with
an arrow.

It's an away win for the Normans, Geoff.
Wise words.

So, it was victory for William at the
famous Battle

of Hastings, earning him the name he's
best known by, William the Conqueror.

Time to work it, Norman style.

We Normans are from France. It's not
where we originated.

Our accents are weird, but we're not
sophisticated.

Tough and terrifying.

We've descended from the Vikings.

So is it any wonder we have a natural
flavor of fighting?

Normans over here!

And you English can't obey them. Normans
over here!

Ah, that's cute. You try to fight them.
Normans over here!

We set the north on fire. Normans over
here!

Attack the life of a boy. We build
carsons. We love horses.

Our cavalry.

Hey! Our army spear.

Hey! We're great fighters.

You can hire us. But you won't like us.
And we don't care.

No! We've got bad hair from the chain
mail that we wear.

This is Norman Style.

Jump! Jump!

Jump! Jump! Riding Norman Style.

Jump! Jump! Jump!

This is Norman Style. I'm William the
Conqueror, the greatest Norman ever.

Got delayed in waiting England because
of the bad weather. Then chopped up your

King Harold and left his mummy crying.

What do you expect, man? I'm practically
a Viking.

England's rightful heir.

So signed Edward the Confessor.
England's rightful heir.

Forget I heard the New Japan.

England ride for air.

These Normans gonna rule ya. England
ride for air.

Surrender or I kill ya. We build
castles. We love horses.

Our cavalry.

Hey! Our line is clear.

Hey! We're great fighters.

You can hire us. But you won't like us.
And we don't care.

No! We've got bad hair because of the
chain mail that we wear.

This is Norman Style.

Hey,

tax on ladies.

Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Hack off, Norman Style.

Hey,

tax on prisoners.

Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Hands off, Norman Style. Hey,

check out horses.

Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Riding, Norman Style.

Hey,

wielding guns.

Chop, chop, chop.

Norman style.

So, William had conquered the Saxons by
chopping them to bits. How very

primitive. But over the other side of
the world, they were so advanced, they

ideas and inventions that would blow
your mind, starting in China.

Let's blow some stuff up!

This book contains all the important
military inventions the Chinese knew

nearly a thousand years ago.

Break it down, Shang.

Well, it's got flamethrowers. Whoosh!

Firebombs. Boom!

Poison bombs.

Boom!

Napalm. Don't really know what that is.
Gunpowder. Bang!

And it even shows you how to make an
early compass. Boring!

Let's set them all off at the same time.

Awesome!

What else is in there?

There's catapults that hold bombs, fire
ships, arrows that explode.

Woo!

the reckless abuse of ancient wisdom.

All right, Grandad, we're wearing
goggles.

Welcome to Amazing Scientist.

You know, nobody's perfect, so it's no
wonder that some of our greatest

scientists can be a bit odd at times.

It's only natural.

I'm a scientist, and I've got an
imaginary friend.

I haven't really. I'm joking. We fell
out. He stole my imaginary shoes.

Stop following me!

Today I'm meeting Ibn al -Haytham, who's
got no weirdness about him at all. Ibn

al -Haytham is seen as the world's first
true scientist.

Hello. Go on, show them how brainy you
are.

I discovered the laws of refraction and
I used them to work out the height of

the atmosphere.

This is before the Battle of Hastings.
Amazing.

And I also improved the pinhole camera.

Pinhole camera over a thousand years
ago.

Amazing. A scientist with no weirdness
whatsoever.

I'm a lemon.

Eh? I'm a hairy lemon.

What are you doing?

Squeezing lemon heads.

It's the caliph al -Hakim.

I have to pretend to be mad.

I promised the Caliph I'd stop the Nile
from flooding, but that was before I'd

seen it.

It's massive.

I've got no chance.

Anyway, so now I have to pretend to be
mad so he won't kill me.

Banana buttons!

Amazing scientists, honestly.

So, after I destroyed the miserable
English at the Battle of Hastings, what

me and my army do?

Could we, A, clear the battlefield of
all the dead English bodies?

Could we, B, steal the shoes from all
the dead English bodies?

And did we, C, have a picnic on top of
all the dead English bodies?

And the answer is C.

We had a picnic, of course. We had a
lovely cover. And then we had the

Actually, I think I still have some food
stuck in my teeth.

Wicked William soon got busy bringing
the country under Norman control,

stuff down and building loads of
castles. And to mark his great victory

Battle of Hastings, work began on one of
the most famous bits of sewing ever,

the Bayer Tapestry.

Today on Let's Talk About Art, I'm here
in the Norman era with the nuns who are

making the Bayeux Tapestry.

Sister, tell us, what is the Bayeux
Tapestry?

It's a massive picture of the event
leading up to, during and after the

of Hastings.

Oi! Agnes!

Use the big needle!

Yeah, the big needle!

And I believe it's going to be 70 metres
long. Yeah, yeah, give or take.

Oi, Joan, call that a helmet?

Sort your threads out, love.

And who all commissioned it?

I don't know, mate. We just do as we're
told.

Although, William the Conqueror's
brother, Odo, is shown as one of the

of the battle, and he weren't even
there, so I'm guessing he might be

it.

Oi, oi!

Monks, go in, pa!

Oi, give us a wave!

So, how is... So, how is a tapestry
made?

A tapestry.

An embroidery, mate.

So why is it called a tapestry?

Not my department. That would be the
clever realm. It's upstairs.

And when will you be stitching the arrow
that killed Harold?

You what, mate? The arrow when he was
shot in the eye.

Don't know what you're talking about.
Harold was hacked to death, biting on

front line.

Arrow in the eye? You've been reading
too many books, sunshine.

Interesting. And I can't help noticing
that you are English nuns who are

on the tapestry.

Embroidery for the Normans.

Well, job's a job, isn't it? And
besides, the way we've drawn it, the

actually come out quite well. We've
added a few bits here and there, they'll

never know it.

Don't tell the bosses.

Mum!

Oi, oi!

He's waving at me!

Oh, no, he was just scratching his bald
spot. Well, there you have it.

What a privilege it is to see one of the
greatest artworks in history.

actually being constructed.

What a magical experience.

Oi, Abbot, give me the wife.

Please stop doing that.

Welcome to the great Saxon bake -off,
where our Saxon peasant has made some

bread. Well, do you know she's a
peasant?

Everyone's a peasant to me, Paul.

Now... Oh, grubby woman, what do you
have here?

Well, the thing is, Mary, it's July. I
know, it's glorious, isn't it? My

hollyhocks are thriving.

Yeah, well, the grain ain't ready for
harvesting yet and our stores have run

out. So, at this time of year, us Saxons
have to make do with what we can find.

It wasn't easy, but I've managed to make
this rye bread.

Yeah, it looks moldy.

The mold's the best bit.

I say that really special.

And is it safe?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Unless it's got irrigate in it. In that
case, it'll kill you.

And the mould will send you mad. But
apart from that, totes safe. Yeah.

Oh, I have also got this.

Now, this looks more pleasant.

That'll be the mould.

Now, what is it? Oh, it's sort of a
rustic seed loaf.

How charming.

Is it safe?

100%, yeah.

Although it has got hemp, poppies and
dornal seeds from the hedges mixed in

the small amount of flour we had left.

So, on reflection, no. What sends you
mad as a jackdaw?

Well, it tastes fine to me.

Ah, there you go.

So, am I Star Baker then?

I am an avocado.

Take that as a yes.

After I conquered the English, I nicked
all their lands and shared it with my

barons. Of course, to make sure there
were no English rebellions, my barons

started building the castles.

But guess how many were built during my
reign?

Was it A, 50 castles, B, 250 castles, or
C,

500 castles?

Yes, the answer is C. We built a modern
belly castle almost every two weeks

until there were 500 of them.

William the Conqueror? More like William
the Carpenter.

I'm kidding, of course. The only manual
labour I do is ravaging my enemies.

William was a strong and determined
king, dedicating his rule to turning

England into Norman England so he could
pass the crown down to his son.

Turns out invading was the easy bit.

He had lots of angry Saxons to keep
under control.

You'd think on his deathbed, surrounded
by loyal subjects, he'd at least get

some peace.

Nah, not a chance.

And as a last act, I release all those
currently in prison.

A generous gesture, Your Majesty.

That would be my last great act. As
William did.

Right.

Fill your boots.

What was all that commotion?

It was merely the wind, sire.

What was all that about?

When he dies, there will be a massive
power struggle. We need to get home and

protect our property.

But you are nicking, sir.

We need money, and he won't need it
where he is going.

Show some respect.

I'm having the silver.

Yes, William the Conqueror finally
snuffed it in 1087, aged 59, and passed

crown of England on to his son, William
II.

William the Conqueror had established a
new ruling dynasty that would change

England forever, despite having one of
the worst haircuts in history.

Amazing stuff!

Chatty death, chatty death, the dead and
famous too.

So I said, I'm sick of flogging a dead
horse.

Literally.

Because I was.

I've got a hatchback now, much better.

Oh, welcome back.

Time for my next guest, the first Norman
king of England, William the Conqueror.

Awkward. Must be a lot of fractions in.

So, William the Conqueror, thanks for
coming on the show. Now, I want to keep

things jolly, so let's talk about your
funeral.

That was a laugh, wasn't it? What do you
mean?

Well, you know, I heard it went with a
bang.

Well, I don't know what you're talking
about.

Thing is, your body was so fat and
bloated.

And your sarcophagus was so small that
when they tried to force you into it,

your belly exploded.

Boom!

Yeah,

it's not that funny when you say it out
loud, is it? I exploded at my own

funeral. All right, mate. No sense
crying over spilt guts.

And he's back.

Never gets old.

Listen, any of you lot planning on a
summer holiday? Because you're all

a bit pale.

Catty death, catty death, hope next time
it's not you, hoo -hoo!

Tall tales, atrocious act, we gave you
all the best of facts, the ugly truth,

grab or blink, we count you all a juicy
bit. Gory, darkly, mean and cruel, stuff

they don't teach you at all. The past is
no longer a mystery, hope you enjoy

Horrible History.