All language subtitles for cake_s05e10_sooner_or_later

Huh?

My good sirs, thank you for joining me
here. This is our apartment. Well, thank

you for inviting me. You have to come
over.

Do either of you know what this is?

Paper. Yeah, paper. Paper from the DMV.

No. And I'm supposed to fill it out and
get a new ID card. But it's super long

and I don't want to. Let's throw it in
the trash.

Tanya, there's only three lines to fill
out. Easy peasy.

Kevin, there is nothing peasy about
this.

You want to know what's really at stake?

Life? This.

Wow. My old ID.

Ooh, Taya, you look cool as hell there.
How are you wearing sunglasses?

Isn't that illegal?

It's not about how cool I look or what
laws I broke.

Check out the address.

One, two, three, street, street.

That's your old street.

Old street, street. We had good times at
that place.

And when I look at this ID, I remember
those times.

It's like a little time machine in my
pocket.

Now, Tanya, that's a beautiful concept,
but this ID's been expired for weeks.

Is that why you keep asking me to buy
you beer?

I'm getting a new ID. I am. But I want
to procrastinate for as long as possible

because I hate it. And that's why I'm
here.

I need distractions.

Well, if you're going to procrastinate,
let's at least do something fun.

No. True procrastination requires the
appearance of work. Cleaning a room,

organizing a desk.

I got it. Come on. Meeting adjourned.

Can he adjourn your meeting? We're going
off book on this one.

This is how institutions are rowed.

I didn't know you guys had a backyard.

Yeah, our landlord said it's dangerous,
but I say with a little work, this could

be our own secret paradise.

Huh. I can totally see it. We clear out
the bushes.

We put up some lights. Pretty soon,
we've got a place to make new memories,

right? And this would easily take up my
whole weekend. It'll be like my DMV

paperwork doesn't even exist.

Let's get started.

OK, I guess I'll help, too, but only
because I love making memory.

I call it new nostalgia.

Huh.

Lot bigger on the inside.

All right, let's go that way.

Why don't we just start here?

I've already got a pile going.

Doesn't feel like the right place.

Tanya, are you procrastinating your
procrastination now? Because that's

bad. Maybe even three times.

Heck, maybe even four.

Ugh. Kevin, we get it. You're good at
math. But let's follow Tanya. This was

idea. No, this was your idea.

Wait, you never sent that email, did
you?

What? What email? Well, Ernesto was
supposed to email his college fan Pietro

that he can't make it to his wedding.
But Ernesto's been putting it off for

weeks. Almost like... Some kind of
procrastination?

Wait, why don't you want to go to
Pietro's wedding? I thought he played

keyboard. He's sick of keyboards, but I
don't know any of his friends now, and

I'd have to go alone. What if they don't
like me? What if they like me too much

and it gets weird?

It's just a lot of pressure. But saying
no, that's also pressure. It is a high

-pressure situation, like my ID card in
many ways.

Yeah, and what if wandering around this
improbable forest isn't the answer? Are

we making things worse for ourselves?

Kev, you've sort of been the voice of
reason today.

Kev? Kev!

What? That's like a million flowers!

And they're all different, beautiful
colors!

We should live here! Hey, Kev, come on!

Come

on,

boy.

Yeah, I'm telling you, this is how
people in olden days used to get off.

sorry, what olden days?

What am I, a fucking historian?

Hey, isn't that your... A 1980 Plymouth
Reliant caused massive delays when its

driver, quote, had to teach a bee a
lesson. So the bee got in my car, and I

started driving real slow to let it know
I'm not just handing out free rides

over here.

Ask gas or grass.

Nobody rides for free.

Now, obviously, this bee has no gas or
grass, but then I got to thinking,

My uncle's in town.

What's supposed to be like this? I
thought he was managing a tropical

restaurant in Myrtle Beach.

That's supposed to be time -consuming.
That's a lot of happy thoughts to

I thought you loved your uncle.

Oh, sure. When I was a kid, he was
great.

Fun, irresponsible, undiagnosed. He was
the original swan boy. Well, what

changed? You know how when you try to
make plans with me for more than 12

in the future, I black out? You black
out a lot. If I can't handle looking

the barrel of 12 hours into my future, I
sure as shit can't handle 30 years.

Relax. You'll probably be dead in 30
years. Don't try to comfort me. I've

got to do the responsible thing.

Make plans with him and then bail.

Ah, shit! I forgot to bail! Well, it's
good to see you, swine boy. It's been

long. I know what you're probably
thinking.

What's a cool guy like my Uncle Herman
doing in a dump like this?

Well, I'll tell you the short version.

I'm in town for my 40th high school
reunion.

Okay, it seems like not really any
amount. Fine, twist my arm. I'll tell

medium version.

I had to leave Myrtle Beach because
there's a hit out on me. Okay, well, it

doesn't concern you. Oh, you drive a
hard bargain. The long version it is.

I'm turning my life around and starting
fresh. It begins tonight by finding the

love of my life at my high school
reunion.

That's why I need you to pose as my son
so that nobody from my class will know

that I'm a virgin.

which I am a big one, and I need you to
keep the secret of my virginity under

wrap. Ew, no way. Am I going to help you
with your dick problem?

Ah, you're probably right.

Just a sad old man trying to impress
friends I never had.

And for what? To fill the void a life of
irresponsibility and recklessness has

left in me?

A sad end to a sad life.

Fine, I'll help you. Oh, you mean it?

Spawn boy, I could kiss you. Down.

Oh, what a relief.

I don't know how.

I'm a virgin, I tell you. Don't tell
anyone.

I'm a virgin.

Now, remember, you're my son, Herman
Jr., and you fell asleep under a tall

tree 20 years ago, and now you're older
than me.

That way, I get to be the sexy one. Now,
go mingle and don't blow this for me.

This is my big chance to turn my life
around.

So as you can imagine, I've got the run.

Jane, where do the years go? You know,
I've been having so much sex, they had

call in the doctor to give me a stern
warning.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey, who ordered the tropical hit men?

Shaka. Nice one. Aw, thank you. Wait,
no, not nice.

Hey, I was about to score.

Herman, do you remember how they hit out
on you? Ring the bell.

The hitman found you. Rats, I was hoping
they wouldn't do that. You gotta get

out of here, man.

No, swan boy, I don't think I will.

I'm going on stage.

What? Why?

Because I'm tired of running.

Excuse me.

Look, it's Herman Dandolo.

That's right.

I'm Herman Dandolo.

And I am a virgin.

Oh, my God.

And I have ten gallons. of C4 strapped
to my body.

That's right. I'm actually a thin man.

It's the explosive chemicals tricking
your eyes.

Now, those two sharks over there, take
one step closer, I'll shake my trim

frame, and we'll all be blown to kingdom
come, just like Mount St.

Helens! Seniors 80!

Good. Now I can admit I didn't have any
C4 on me. It was all a ruse.

Listen to it.

Well,

looks like I'm going away for a while.

Apparently, you're not supposed to do
that.

Yeah, well, at least you didn't get
murdered.

You're right.

Nothing solves a problem like creating a
bigger problem, like global warming.

Just make it hotter.

You're right. I don't have to worry
about getting old as long as I keep

like an idiot.

and Herman Dandelos are still at large
and are considered the lowest possible

priority. If you have any information
about their whereabouts, maybe try to

handle this one yourself.

For instance, if you see them on the
road, try to crash into them.

I don't know. Get creative with it.

You're the master of your own mystery.

What the fuck?

Ernesto! Can you get through this?

Whoa.

Whoa.

Uh, who's that?

Uh, okay.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh.

Just stretching. What time is it?

It is 2 .30.

I slept for 300 years?

Impressive. My alarm didn't go off, I
guess. No worries.

Time to get up. Who are you? I'm Tanya,
and these are my bros, Ernesto and

Kevin. What up?

I am the guardian of the forest of the
backyard, one of an ancient order of

mythical beings tasked with protecting
places of natural power.

Woo! We're in a band.

Hey, did you know there's a bunch of
creepy -ass vines all over the place?

Invasive species.

I gotta take care of that. And... also
some kind of lost civilization?

Aw, they're lost?

Damn. They were doing fine the last time
I checked. I should really take a look

at that. Do a little yard work.

We can help. We brought tools.

Wow. You brought tools.

And little hats.

You all look great. I have trimmers over
there.

Hmm. But they're all rusty, so I
probably need to oil those.

Ugh. That takes so long, though. You
guys want a cup of tea first?

Yes, please. Wait, are we all
procrastinating now?

Ernesto, my little honey, I am magically
bound to my duties. I literally can't

not do them. I just don't feel like
doing them at this current time. Now,

guessing you're an herbal tea guy.

I am. Then you're going to love this
shit. My friend Shaharazad hooked me up.

He's an actual wizard.

And then the order left me here and they
were like, take care of the forest.

Where do I even start?

That's bullshit.

Yeah, bullshit. And very stressful. But
you know what? Hearing that you two are

also procrastinating weirdly makes me
feel better about all this. We're like

little team that doesn't do anything.

Aww. And why start now, huh? You know,
sometimes I even think the invasive

are a good thing. They're nature too,
right? Even if they're blighted by

magic.

Yo,

dude. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Yeah.

300 years. Can you believe it? I know.

The dwellers of Orlath are all dead,
apparently.

Hey, guys.

Were those vines there before?

No. And where's the flower tunnel?

Okay, we need to get to work now. No
more procrastination. And I'm gonna drop

email to Pietro in my head while we
work. Ugh.

Fine.

Whoa! My pruners!

Hey, hey, hey, what the fuck is going
on?

Don't worry about your tools. That's
just a little offering to the forest.

chill. Sit down. Yeah. No, we need to
get to work. There's a bunch of vines

are just overgrowing. Just chill, okay?

Check this shit out.

Whoa, three new friends.

I'll get more tea going.

Hi. Welcome to Words with Ike.

Today's word is dawn.

Its definition?

The first light to appear in the sky
after the sunrise.

But here's the thing about dawn.

There's another definition, too.

The beginning of a phenomenon, movement,
or time period, especially one

considered favorable.

I'd like to think that's what we're
trying to do here on Words with Ike.

Word by word, we usher in a new dawn.

And once all the people in all the
nations of the earth

learn those words and realize we're on
the same page when it comes to living

life. And on that page, it says one
thing.

We want to just get along, and get along
good, too.

I'm reminded of these words from the
ancients, that it's always darkest

right before the dawn. Yeah, I'll give
you that.

But here's another thing, too, about
dawn.

Is that after dawn, things get pretty
damn bright, and damn fast, too.

I've been Ike. You've been fantastic.
And these have been

words.

Even though I know how to fix the air
conditioner, it's still not fixed. I'm

pretty sure I need to do this.

Why are you doing that? It's cold out.

It's going to get hot eventually.

Oh, we can buy a store.

Or we can buy online.

Fast, cheap, easy, secure payment.

Come on, we can support the community.

Or we can support e -commerce in the
tech industry.

Come on, it'd be so fun to go and meet
people.

We already know each other. Why do we
need to meet more people?

Because you don't show me off.

It doesn't mean I don't appreciate you.
I'm just trying to be productive and

proactive.

Please.

Pretty please.

Okay, fine, we can go.

But you're wrong.

that big old Rottweiler, 150 pounds up
the tree.

I've never seen anything like it.

Howdy. Oh, sorry to interrupt, but we
were wondering if you happen to carry

the... at your local store.

It's broken.

Oh, one of those.

I should have one, but Kilgore hasn't
delivered it yet.

Oh, Kilgore, is that the local delivery
service?

No, it's just a guy.

So you don't have the part.

We're locals.

We just moved here.

Hey,

well,

how about I buy a ladder for a neighbor?

Okay.

Problem is, I sold my only ladder to
Mrs. Pumpus last week.

But she passed on.

She died like crazy!

That's right.

She died like crazy and was buried with
the ladder.

Oh, whoa, okay. The part will be
delivered to our house.

Have fun not buying things in here. I
hope I never see you guys again.

So...

We're going to dig up Mrs. Pompous?

Yeah, sure.

People, who needs them, right?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

All right, fellas, I like what we're
doing here, but remind me, why do we

to bring an old bell to the lighthouse
if we already have the key to the

laboratory? The lighthouse needs the
bell to go ding -dong for all to hear.

Right, right, right. So, Tractor Man,
you're going to ram the schoolyard gate

when you hear the bell go ding -dong?
No, I'm not going to the schoolyard. I'm

going with Norton to the docks.

I thought Norton was stealing the
mayor's fountain pen. I told you I'm not

to the docks with you. You always wanted
to be told to the one, one, one. Take

the time to make you like me, Norton.

Accept me as I am. I have a rich inner
life.

Eat shit, tractor man.

People, hey, we don't need to do this.
Hey, you keep inviting me to ride on

tractor. What happens to brotherly love?

Hey, remember the unifying words of Mrs.
Pompous.

Ow!

Ow! Stop it!

I agreed to dig up a body.

That's great.

Hey.

That stuff with your ID?

Don't even worry about it.

Really? If you never do it, then you
never have to.

It's logic.

It is. the kind of logic oh it's fine to
reply to an email seven weeks later it

actually makes you seem cooler you're
right i have been feeling cooler flowers

are just little trees i knew it and
trees they're just big flowers you're

answering so many questions for me ah
you know i'm glad we all decided to keep

doing nothing am i right team we've got
time we've got

Eternity.

Wait, eternity?

But my DMV paperwork is due on Monday.

No, we have time.

I've been sitting on that email for
seven weeks.

That's almost two months. That's two
twelfths of a year.

What's next if you reduce the fraction?

Pietro's gonna be upset. What if he
writes a sad keyboard song? I can't do

to a friend.

Stop! Why are you stressing yourselves
out like this? You're ruining... my

Battle formation!

Super glad we practiced this battle
formation.

Run!

Everybody fucking run!

My leg!

Where do you think you're going?

Wait a second!

That went bad real fast.

But I still had a good time.

Yeah, that was cool.

Plus, Pietro's gonna love this story.

Wait, so you're going to the wedding?

I am. I think it was while we were
leaping across the ravine on the giant

that I was like, life is short. This
kind of zany shit is what memories are

of, right? Not ID cards.

Hell yeah.

Adventures forever.

Oh, I'll go back in that forest right
now. Let's all go back in that forest.

Yeah!

Let's just listen to music instead.

Uh -huh. I love music. That's an
adventure for our senses.

Let's go!