All language subtitles for cake_s05e03_god_mode

Two, one, two, hit me.

Do you ever get nostalgic for things you
didn't actually experience?

Like the Mongol conquest?

I was thinking more like the 60s. Oh,
now that takes me back. The 1260s, when

conquered Damascus. You know,
personally, I've always felt like I

been born earlier.

Like... How earlier?

I don't know. Anywhere from like 100 to
5 ,000 years ago. You wish you were born

5 ,000 years ago? Yeah. Probably would
have been the queen of my own barbarian

tribe or something. I would way rather
do that than work in an office.

Tanya, I totally agree. I probably would
have been the magistrate of an ancient

city. We might have even been friends.

Yeah. We definitely would have been
friends.

You would provide grain for my people,
and my warriors would offer not to

destroy your city in return.

That does sound like me. Yeah, I'm
pretty sure ancient times were

filled with danger.

Uh, yeah. That's why I would be the
danger, dude. And that's why I would pay

off.

Tonya, hey, is that your phone?

Oh, yeah, it's probably work. I'm
juggling like 37 projects right now. But

Saturday. Unfortunately, Saturday is the
new Thursday.

What's Thursday, then? Thursday has
always been Tuesday.

Nobody tells me these things.

See, if this was ancient times, nobody
would be able to text me on the weekend.

Yeah, and I wouldn't have to run my
online t -shirt business.

I could have run an ancient city.

Kevin, you love your online t -shirt
business. What about person carrot?

Designing cute things to put on t
-shirts just isn't my destiny.

I want a cooler destiny than that. One
that's not tied up in frivolous consumer

goods and brilliant comedic wordplay.
Sadly, Kev, our destinies may lie in the

past. God.

I have an idea. How about we go to the
Museum of Ancient History? That way we

can see how horrible and scary old times
actually would have been.

Fine.

This can't be it. It says Ancient
History Museum.

Shit, we were looking for the Museum of
Ancient History. Uh, same thing?

Eh, I guess.

What terrifying lessons of the past
should we learn first?

Ooh, terrifying, you say?

Oh. Sorry, is this the Museum of Ancient
History? This is the Ancient History

Museum.

Same thingy. Now, what was that about
terror?

Are we scared about the ancient world
and its many wonders and also mysterious

causes? I'm not scared. I'm just trying
to show my friends that we have it way

better in modern times and living in the
ancient world was constantly horrible.

Well, what if I was to tell you that you
are incorrect about me and that and

this and everything?

That's exactly what I was saying.

Well, then you've come to the right
place, tasty dudes.

Who wants to see some cool swords?

I do. Oh, great.

My next tour starts right now.

Follow me. Come, come, come, come.

Oh, my God, I love you.

My name is Gil, BTWs. It's short for
Galantrical.

Galantrical Carturius. Oh, weird name.

I love it. Yes, it's very old.

Just like everything in this museum.

In ancient times, pretty much everyone
had swords. Really? It was as common as,

like, cell phones are now.

Wow. Swords were used to cut people,
bread, lots of stuff.

Um, would any of these happen to be
barbarian swords?

Several, in fact, yeah. This one here
was wielded by a barbarian ruler who

almost took down all of the Romans, all
of those dudes and ladies at once. It

was really cool. Come, you slow pokies.
Don't touch. Let's go.

What the... Hey!

At its peak, this great ciudad was home
to over 50 ,000 inhabitants, and none of

them liked each other. No, no get -along
gang here!

Ooh, galantrical...

Can I ask a question? I mean, Gil is
fine. Also, yeah.

Gil, theoretically,

would someone who now operates an online
t -shirt business have the skills

necessary to become, oh, I don't know, a
magistrate of such a great city? Oh,

yes. I think it's a very similar skill
set. But why settle for bureaucracy when

you could be a god?

Hi,

welcome back to Words with Ike. You
know, there's an old maxim that says,

best way to ruin a joke is to explain
it. But not this time. Because today,

we're going to define the word comedy.

Hold on to your sides for this one,
because they might split.

The definition?

Professional entertainment.

Consisting of jokes, sketches, and
ironic juxtapositions

designed to make an audience laugh.

Ah, I'll be here all week.

So, if you're a joke, pun, gag,
wisecrack, or

even an old chestnut, you might be a
comedy.

How's my favourite gimp?

Don't play that silly game pretending
you can't talk.

Oh, I'm not meant to talk. I'm a gimp.
And such a handsome gimp. I'm not

handsome. I'm ugly.

I'm depraved.

I brought you your favourite.

Oh, really?

Nipple clamps?

Nice cold gelato.

I don't want gelato. I want maggots.

Well, you can't have maggots.

How come you never beat me?

I want to be beaten.

I'm a gimp. I'm not going to beat you.

The gimps next door get beaten every
day.

Well, that's not the way we do things in
our house.

Now, what DVD do you want to watch
tonight?

I don't want DVDs. I want STDs. How
about Love Actually?

Oh, fuck that.

None of that language in here, gimpy.

I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

Why stop at soap?

Why not use petrol?

I want to be burned.

No video tonight, then?

Then I guess it's Betty, boys. Come and
give me a hug.

Gimpy. All right.

Bear hug!

Crack my ribs!

Sweet dreams, Gimpy.

Don't you get it?

I am a gimp!

I want to be tormented!

What do you think I'm doing now?

These statues represent the gods of an
ancient pantheon.

You've got such classics as cow person,
cat person, regular cow, bear

person. What the? And of course, the
kick -ass bird slash lion hybrid. That

looks like me, except even more
beautiful.

Oh, he does look like you, huh? Is no
one else weirded out by this?

These things look exactly like us. Which
one looks like you?

The bear one, obviously.

Not really, dude.

That statue is in way better shape than
you are. It's a statue. It can't be in

shape. It's made of dirty old clay or
whatever.

It's actually made of an indestructible
minerality found only at the deepest

parts of the ocean. Nobody knows how
this ancient civilization even got

Okay, I don't believe.

Any of the shit this dude is saying.
Ernesto, chill, dude.

Are you jealous because I have a hot
statue and you don't? I have a hot

too. That's why it's weird.

It's just coincidenciality.

An occurrence of things that are just
weird but do not mean anything, guys.

Relax -y, please.

We haven't even seen the mummy yet.

You have a mummy? Yes, yes, we got those
mummies. Let's go.

Damn it.

Oh, hey, wait, you guys.

I've been getting weird vibes ever since
we walked in here. And now this guy

wants to show us a mummy?

That's a literal dead body.

It's a super old dead body. It doesn't
count.

It's called an antique.

Antique or not, this place is weird. Gil
is creepy, and I say we go home. No, I

can't. The longer I spend here, the
closer I feel to my ancient destiny as a

barbarian ruler.

It is intoxicating. And the longer I've
been here, the more I realize I would

have made an incredible god. One of the
best gods, Ernesto. Come on.

Let's go check out this mummy. Fine.
I'll look at the dead person. But if

tries to sell us a museum membership, I
am out of here. Of course.

Let's go. They make you feel really bad
if you try to cancel. That's why I still

have my membership at the Kaleidoscope
Museum. Oh, I love the Kaleidoscope

Museum. It's my favorite kaleidoscope
-based institution.

Welcome to the mummy room.

This is the Great Queen.

The Great Queen? The greatest of all
time. She ruled an empire.

She commanded thousands of loyal
followers.

And she was apparently super easy to
talk to. Just like a really wunderbar

personality. Everybody said so.

Damn! That kind of power?

That kind of leadership?

I bet nobody would email her about work
on a Saturday.

Definitely not. They would have been
immediately exiled. What was this

name? Her name was Tanya.

What? Oh, come on.

Tanya? That's your name. Are you messing
with me, Galandria?

Galandria, kill or gill. And wait a
minute. What are you saying to me? That

name is Tanya?

And you look like that hot birdie?

And you're also here?

What a weird series of coinkydinkies.

Which, as we all know... It's an
occurrence of things that are just weird

don't mean anything.

Are you guys even listening to
yourselves?

Can you not be a downer for like five
seconds of this museum experience?

Learn! It's almost too perfect.

No. Yes.

Maybe. But also could be. But it can't
be.

The tour is over! The museum is closed!

I'll be nothing!

Gil, wait!

Shit! What a half -assed tour.

We only saw like two rooms.

Let's just get out of here.

Oh, no.

We're locked in.

Galandrical!

Galandrical! Oh, where did he run off
to?

Maybe he had to poo.

He did not have to poo, because he is
me!

Oh, Gil, cool. Can you open the door so
we can leave your weird museum?

I'm afraid I cannot.

Explain yourself, Galandrical!

It's Gil, excuse me, and for years I've
searched for the perfect hosts, the

Queen. The bird and the bear.

Yeah, I don't know.

Doesn't really look like him. I know,
this one's a stretch.

Dude, it totally looks like me. If I
was, like, a little more shredded, you

would definitely see it. No matter, it's
close enough, okay?

Tonight, the great queen and her revered
deities rise again.

Their spirits will fuse with yours, and
they will walk the earth once more

through you.

Either you come willingly, or I will.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You want to give me the powers of this
ancient queen and basically make me the

new queen?

That's correct.

And then through dark magic... Wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Would I get to set my own hours? Oh,
sure, yeah, yeah. You would totally be

charge. And could we confirm that I
would be a god? One of the best around?

of the best of all of the arounds.

Well, that's all I need to hear. I'm in.
Way ahead of you, dude.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ernesto, look at me.

You're telling me you don't want to be a
god?

They're even making an exception for
you. Okay.

Ignoring the fact that I'm a shoo -in
for the god due to obvious physical

similarities, this whole thing feels
weird. We should leave.

Come on.

Now.

Oh, come on, Ernesto. You're ruining the
vibe.

Come on. All right, all right. Jeez.

You guys are so annoying. Yes!

Peer pressure for the win!

One point.

Mmm, back toast.

What could go wrong?

Ah, Scott's Quest is my only weekend!

So this is hell.

Huh.

Not so bad.

George Washington. Uh, slavery.

Oh, yeah.

Big time.

There you are.

You're supposed to be in line to be
judged.

But if you insist on breaking hell's
rules, I suppose we can make a special

example out of you.

Here are all of the people who you
wronged in life.

Who's this asshole?

This was a child to whom you sold a
cigarette.

So the kid's in hell?

No, this is the idea of the kid. So the
kid's fine?

Well, the kid got a little sick from the
cigarette.

So he learned not to smoke? I'm not
seeing a problem here.

Okay, well, here's your third grade
teacher who you drove critically insane.

Turns out I had ADD.

Okay, I don't think that's on me.

You know, even if it was, better to
know.

It's true.

I learned a number of coping. All right,
enough!

Here's millions of iterations of your so
-called best friend, Noel.

Once each time you wronged him. Oh, my
God, who cares?

Okay, what's next? I'm not made of time.

Welcome to the Too Much of a Good Thing
Chamber.

It's one boy in life you loved watching
epic soldier fail videos.

Let's see just how much you love them.

All the videos?

Wait, there's more than one?

Okay, you know what? I'm overthinking
this. Gotta do some just good old

-fashioned torture.

Ooh, my safe word is Baltimore.

What? Time city, baby.

Are we starting soon?

How?

Stretching rack.

Designed when people were like 5 '3",
tops.

That's strange.

No screams.

me. Gotta go. Take care.

Pretty awful, right?

Eh, we mostly talked about his
grandkids, I think. I don't really speak

Mongolian. Tell you what I did pick up
on, though. That guy loved to nut.

You win!

I give up!

You are too shallow and too fair for the
torments of hell!

What is a funeral?

The Unitarians believe. I know.

I know the Unitarians believe it's a
celebration of the life.

But I believe in this case it's more a
celebration of the death.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same to you. Go home.
Scram, you drip. Show's over.

Swanboy, we thought you were dead.

I was.

What do you mean, you were?

The devil found me annoying.

Maybe. There's a lesson there. Don't I
know it?

I can do whatever I want with no
consequences.

Now let's go kill a bank.

Y 'all can't eat my ass.

Can you guys see anything?

I'm just staring at a wall here.

Let the ritual commence.

Yes!

Barbarian queen!

Let's start this ritual.

Let the greatest queen rise again to
unite the world under her rule and to

oversee thousands of projects that will
restore her glory.

Oversee what? And to be available at all
of the hours for various questions that

any of us may have.

All? Ours? And it's a bird, and all is
not to fail.

Rise again as well, so that their images
may be printed on tens of hundreds of T

-shirts. Wait, hold up. T -shirts?

That's not very epic.

Gil, uh, Gil, wait a minute.

What? I'm in the middle of something.
No, I get that, but is this actually

sounding like a knot?

great arrangement i'm really just
looking for more flexible work hours and

trying to get out of the t -shirt game
honestly i can make you fuse with the

ruling spirits of this dead empire but
i'd rather find somebody who like wants

it you know somebody who's going to be
with the team for a while because these

guys deserve that i love you as well
hooded figures they do seem like

a good group oh hell yeah i would do
anything for those guys All right,

everyone, let's get the hells out of
here. Who wants a circular carbohydrate?

Code name for pizza. Can we get
pineapple?

Yes, yeah, yeah. No more yeses.

Hello?

Uh, guys?

You're free to go, home slicers.

Hold up. Are we making the right
decision here? If we walk out this door,

right back where we started. Hey.

May I tell you something that's going to
sound like uber cheesy?

Sure. You can always talk to me about
cheese.

Me as well. Find what makes you happy
and do it forever.

I mean, look at me. I love trying to
revive this ancient empire and revert

world to a pre -modern state. And do you
know what? It never feels like work.

Not one day of it. I wake up every day
excited to try to find suitable hosts

the spirits and to commence the ritual.
Yes. Oh, thank you.

Oh, and hey, pleased to be telling your
friends about the Ancient History

Museum. In terms of making our rent,
utilities bills, etc., we're doing very

poorly, so spread the word, yes? We
will, girl.

We actually do offer annual museum
memberships at a discount if you're

interested. You can sign up right now,
I'm ready.

came up out the room, combated us, right
across the room.

Yeah, I think about the death, and the
death of your angel.

I was a bit...