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All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1992 s02e05 Tommys Follies

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,000 Thank you. 2 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:40,600 Thank you. 3 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:43,480 Good night. 4 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:50,960 There's a new trolley I'll show you now. It's a very famous... You know what? 5 00:01:36,170 --> 00:01:37,170 It's a great joke. 6 00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:39,410 Now, I must tell you this. I want to hear it myself. Now, listen. 7 00:01:44,530 --> 00:01:45,570 It's about the faith healer. 8 00:01:47,090 --> 00:01:48,610 And he said to this man, he said, how's your brother? 9 00:01:49,330 --> 00:01:50,330 And he said, he's ill. 10 00:01:51,170 --> 00:01:52,630 And the faith healer said, no, no, no. 11 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,250 He only thinks he's ill. He said, no, he's ill. 12 00:01:57,530 --> 00:01:58,790 He looks ill. He looks ill. 13 00:02:00,610 --> 00:02:01,589 He said, no. 14 00:02:01,590 --> 00:02:03,590 He said, I'm telling you, he looks ill. I looked at him the other day. He looks 15 00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:04,590 ill. 16 00:02:05,030 --> 00:02:06,930 So two weeks later, he met him again. He said, how's your brother? 17 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,209 He said, he thinks he's dead. 18 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:40,880 There's the trick now. 19 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:43,400 Look at that, I'm leaking. 20 00:02:45,620 --> 00:02:46,860 Here's the trick now with the packed cards. 21 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,160 I shall do this trick in a minute, and after that I shall do pat -a -pat -a 22 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:51,160 -a -pat -a. 23 00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:55,700 Then a little bit more pat -a -pat -a -pat -a -pat -a. 24 00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,900 And then it's pat -a -pat -a -pat -a. 25 00:03:00,940 --> 00:03:03,480 See, now do that trick over there, then after that it's pat -a -pat -a -pat -a 26 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:04,480 -pat -a -pat. 27 00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:08,600 And then, it's all about this big tall man with a little girl, see? 28 00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:12,100 And they're walking along the street like that, and he says, pat -a -pat -a 29 00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,100 -a to her, see? 30 00:03:13,580 --> 00:03:16,440 And she goes, oh, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a -pat. 31 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:18,940 And he goes, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a. 32 00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:22,120 And the end of it, listen to this. 33 00:03:24,740 --> 00:03:25,960 He goes, ha -ha -ha. 34 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:28,840 I wish I wasn't doing it. 35 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:31,920 Don't listen to the end of it. 36 00:03:32,460 --> 00:03:34,140 And he said, See? 37 00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:39,620 And then he said, When you come to the umbrella, it's mine. 38 00:03:50,740 --> 00:03:53,580 It took me 15 years to do this trick. 39 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,980 15 years of self -denial. 40 00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:01,360 And hard work. 50 years. I'm going to spread them all along here like that and 41 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:02,360 then catch them like that. 42 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,560 All along there like that. That's to catch them like that. 43 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:09,340 50 years it's taken me to do this. 44 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:13,120 Oh, my teeth itch. 45 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:17,440 50 years wasted. 46 00:04:49,730 --> 00:04:50,730 Thank you, Ben. 47 00:04:51,910 --> 00:04:52,910 Thank you. 48 00:04:53,170 --> 00:04:55,830 Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, all I really want to say at 49 00:04:55,830 --> 00:05:00,030 point is that, owing to building reconstruction, I'm afraid I've had to 50 00:05:00,030 --> 00:05:02,050 the Ray Allen School of Ventriloquism. 51 00:05:03,450 --> 00:05:06,270 Now, please, it's only going to be for about six months. 52 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:10,040 But I must ask those of you at home, my pupils who are watching, will you please 53 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,760 carry on with your lessons, keep practising, because as soon as we're 54 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,600 reopen, I'll notify you. So don't worry. Only for six months. All right? 55 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:17,960 Thank you. 56 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:21,800 Ray? What is it? 57 00:05:22,540 --> 00:05:23,540 What's the matter? 58 00:05:24,460 --> 00:05:26,260 That's terrible, closing your skull down, isn't it? 59 00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:28,900 What? Well, I'm right in the middle of your course. 60 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:30,840 You can't leave me like this. 61 00:05:31,860 --> 00:05:32,699 Like what? 62 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:33,700 Well, talking with two mouths. 63 00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:37,490 That's right, you tell him, Tom. I did tell him. 64 00:05:37,750 --> 00:05:38,750 Well, I didn't hear. 65 00:05:39,310 --> 00:05:40,310 Well, listen next time. 66 00:05:41,610 --> 00:05:42,610 I was listening. 67 00:05:43,130 --> 00:05:44,130 Oh, shut up. 68 00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:48,630 What an advert for my school. 69 00:05:48,950 --> 00:05:49,950 It was good, wasn't it? 70 00:05:52,030 --> 00:05:53,710 Are you a fully paid -up member? Yes. 71 00:05:54,530 --> 00:05:55,650 It was excellent. 72 00:05:57,730 --> 00:06:00,830 Brilliant! Did you hear that? Yes, I heard that. 73 00:06:02,670 --> 00:06:04,210 You can't see my lips, can you? 74 00:06:04,510 --> 00:06:06,690 No. No, no, your lips are fantastic. 75 00:06:07,070 --> 00:06:10,670 Yes. Actually, Tom, I tell you what, take the weight off your feet. Sit there 76 00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:11,670 minute. All right, yes. 77 00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:14,970 Because your lips are really quite remarkable. 78 00:06:15,530 --> 00:06:17,470 There's only one thing. May I just make a suggestion? 79 00:06:17,850 --> 00:06:21,130 Yes, yes. Your lips are motionless. Shut up, he's not talking. I'm talking to 80 00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:22,130 him. 81 00:06:23,190 --> 00:06:24,190 Yes. 82 00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:28,350 Your lips are motionless. Yes. But you must try and stop your face from moving 83 00:06:28,350 --> 00:06:29,350 either side of them. 84 00:06:31,170 --> 00:06:32,170 That's all. 85 00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:34,010 I think it's an all right liberty. 86 00:06:34,380 --> 00:06:36,180 It's not my fault, is it? You closed your school. 87 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,620 I mean, I was going to make it a part of my act. 88 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,200 You weren't, were you? Yes, I was. 89 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:47,020 Well, let's face it. Your progress has been a bit slow, hasn't it? I mean, 90 00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:49,740 it took me 12 months to teach you to say, got in the gear for a bottle of 91 00:06:50,340 --> 00:06:51,420 Well, it's not easy, is it? 92 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:52,800 Am I right? Yes. 93 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:58,300 Took me... Well, stop ad -libbing. Yeah, stop it. 94 00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:03,970 I wouldn't care, but it took me six months to... Get off! 95 00:07:07,070 --> 00:07:09,090 Oh, leave my... I've got my thumb for you. 96 00:07:10,310 --> 00:07:15,250 Sorry. It took me six months to teach you to say bottle of beer, and that was 97 00:07:15,250 --> 00:07:16,250 without the dummy. 98 00:07:16,490 --> 00:07:19,230 Well, it's all right for you, isn't it? I mean, you've had your appendix out. 99 00:07:21,710 --> 00:07:22,890 What's it got to do with it? I don't know. 100 00:07:24,590 --> 00:07:26,210 Tell you what I'll do. 101 00:07:26,950 --> 00:07:30,130 I'll teach you the pièce de résistance of all ventriloquists. Yes. 102 00:07:30,740 --> 00:07:35,220 how to sing a song and drink a bottle of gear at the same time. 103 00:07:36,260 --> 00:07:37,119 Is that right? 104 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:40,680 Yeah. Do you like that? Yes, all right. All right. 105 00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:43,400 Okay, now make sure the dummy's comfortable. 106 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:44,519 That's the main thing. 107 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,520 All right. My thumb's getting dead raw in there. 108 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:49,320 Okay. 109 00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:52,020 What are you doing? 110 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:53,960 Making the club room. 111 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,140 You can't leave it like that! 112 00:07:57,969 --> 00:08:01,270 Goodness me, come and sit down. You can't leave an inanimate object. Put it 113 00:08:01,270 --> 00:08:04,070 your lap. What do you mean, then? They don't see it like that. No? 114 00:08:04,870 --> 00:08:06,510 These people have got to believe he's real. 115 00:08:09,870 --> 00:08:12,050 The whole point of the thing. You're going to kill the illusion. 116 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:16,250 Let them see him lying there. Just nothing. No movement. 117 00:08:16,490 --> 00:08:17,490 Oh, all right. All right. 118 00:08:18,670 --> 00:08:20,550 Yes. All right. Yes. Oh, God. 119 00:08:21,570 --> 00:08:23,990 I don't know. Yes, yes. All right. Sorry about that. 120 00:08:29,450 --> 00:08:30,850 There's a guardsman on sentry, you see. 121 00:08:32,289 --> 00:08:33,289 He's on guard duty. 122 00:08:35,510 --> 00:08:37,289 And it's about four o 'clock in the morning. It's very dark. 123 00:08:38,549 --> 00:08:39,549 He's got the rifle there. 124 00:08:44,310 --> 00:08:44,630 And 125 00:08:44,630 --> 00:08:55,590 he's 126 00:08:55,590 --> 00:08:56,750 standing there about four o 'clock in the morning. 127 00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:58,870 Very dark. 128 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:00,760 And he falls asleep. 129 00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:04,960 Now, that's a crime, isn't it? 130 00:09:06,660 --> 00:09:08,080 I mean, they can put him aside for that. 131 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:09,680 Straight away. 132 00:09:10,820 --> 00:09:12,500 So he's standing there asleep like that. 133 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:14,960 Not like that, like that. 134 00:09:19,140 --> 00:09:20,140 Just standing there. 135 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,200 And all of a sudden, the sergeant major comes round with the only officer. 136 00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:26,900 Marshal like that. 137 00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:34,130 And now he's standing right in front of him. 138 00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:36,250 And there he is asleep. 139 00:09:38,050 --> 00:09:39,410 And there's the sergeant major like that. 140 00:09:44,370 --> 00:09:49,450 But all of a sudden, he just opens his eyes just a little bit like that. 141 00:09:55,270 --> 00:09:56,830 Not much, just a little bit like that. 142 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,220 And you can see him standing there, you see. 143 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,960 So he's got to think quick now, hasn't he? 144 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:07,900 Yeah, otherwise he's got to be inside. 145 00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:12,680 So he stands like that for a few minutes. 146 00:10:13,620 --> 00:10:15,200 And he opens his eyes, he says, Amen. 147 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:27,820 I'd like to give you a typical impression of a man, an old man about 148 00:10:27,820 --> 00:10:28,820 a holiday. 149 00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:32,580 On a holiday, and he thinks he's about 20. 150 00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:35,240 We all do, don't we? 151 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,460 And he goes down to the beach, to the pool like this. 152 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:48,700 And he said, the laugh, hello, hello, he says. 153 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:50,400 Where's all the girls then? 154 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:53,320 What, they're not here yet? 155 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:54,800 Oh, dear. 156 00:11:04,170 --> 00:11:05,950 And the other one is about the show -off. 157 00:11:06,590 --> 00:11:11,270 The one on the high board, the diamond board, the very high diamond board, the 158 00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:12,330 show -off. There's always one. 159 00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:57,120 I'd like to do this month's mystery movie. 160 00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:01,920 And I call it a mystery movie because I don't know what I'm going to do. 161 00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:05,100 Until I do it. 162 00:12:05,930 --> 00:12:06,930 Oh, yes, I know what it is. 163 00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:10,950 It's that very old classic, as you see in the films, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 164 00:12:11,890 --> 00:12:13,330 And I play all the three parts. 165 00:12:16,490 --> 00:12:20,590 Now, you know, it's a story of a man that takes a drink and he turns ugly and 166 00:12:20,590 --> 00:12:21,590 nasty. 167 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:22,950 You know what I mean, Dick? 168 00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:28,850 He's ugly and nasty, but not unusual. 169 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,300 The very nice Dr. Jekyll. 170 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,520 That's nice, isn't it? 171 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,380 Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. 172 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,280 Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. 173 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:55,859 Hello, Mrs. 174 00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:56,920 Blinkistop. How are you today? 175 00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:58,840 Nice, nice, nice, nice. 176 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:01,900 A little bit nice here, a little bit nice there. 177 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,490 What? You feel a little bit run down. That's because you lack iron. 178 00:13:06,470 --> 00:13:09,250 Now, I want you to go home and eat some nail sandwiches. 179 00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:14,410 Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. 180 00:13:16,110 --> 00:13:18,350 And throw a few nuts and bowls in as well. 181 00:13:19,690 --> 00:13:21,730 I say goodbye, Mrs. Blinkerson. Goodbye, now. 182 00:13:22,630 --> 00:13:23,630 And now to enjoy myself. 183 00:13:34,220 --> 00:13:35,220 I can feel I'm faint. 184 00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:38,100 My hands! 185 00:13:38,380 --> 00:13:39,540 My hands! Where are my hands? 186 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:41,640 Oh, there they are. 187 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:12,600 I'm just nervous, that's all. 188 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,140 What is it? 189 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,480 Evil, evil, evil. 190 00:14:27,020 --> 00:14:28,840 Evil. Another patient. 191 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,960 They mustn't see me like this. 192 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:33,440 I must hide. 193 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:50,680 I'm telling him to see it through, isn't it? 194 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:55,860 I've got it! 195 00:14:57,700 --> 00:14:59,180 Ah! Ah! 196 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,300 Ah! 197 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,080 Ah! 198 00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:05,100 Ah! 199 00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:08,080 Wait a minute, I'm changing. 200 00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:12,700 I'm changing. 201 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:16,720 One more drink. 202 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:19,360 I'll feel better now. 203 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:20,920 I'm back to my old self. 204 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,120 The time of Dr. 205 00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:23,500 Jethro. 206 00:15:27,940 --> 00:15:28,940 Jethro. 207 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:31,659 What's that? 208 00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:32,740 The last patient's gone home? 209 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,320 Why'd you say so? 210 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,520 Why'd you tell me even when... Oh, 211 00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:38,980 yes, 212 00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:41,300 why do you say so? 213 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,600 Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice. 214 00:15:48,420 --> 00:15:49,420 Nice, nice. 215 00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:51,410 One drink for the road. 216 00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:52,910 Ah. 217 00:15:53,230 --> 00:15:54,230 Ah. 218 00:15:55,030 --> 00:15:56,030 Ah. 219 00:15:56,570 --> 00:15:57,570 Ah. 220 00:15:58,210 --> 00:15:59,290 Ah. Ah. 221 00:16:02,710 --> 00:16:03,710 Ah. Ah. 222 00:16:04,430 --> 00:16:05,430 Ah. 223 00:16:09,030 --> 00:16:10,030 What? 224 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:11,870 Who's speaking? It's me. 225 00:16:13,310 --> 00:16:14,990 Evil, evil. Dr. Hinkle. Huckle. 226 00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:16,190 No. 227 00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:18,250 Who? I don't know who I am now. 228 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,280 We're going to sing it. 229 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,520 See? 230 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:25,900 And I'll give you a gloppy key at the same time. 231 00:16:26,740 --> 00:16:29,420 All right? We'll sing My Mother's Eyes together with a gloppy key at the same 232 00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:30,420 time. 233 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,020 One bright and guiding light. 234 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:06,760 I drink and I sing at the same time. 235 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,040 That's the whole point. 236 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,220 The whole point? I don't like beer. 237 00:17:14,420 --> 00:17:15,819 How about a whiskey? Give me a whiskey. All right. 238 00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:17,339 You all right, son? 239 00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:19,839 Look at me, son. 240 00:17:22,740 --> 00:17:26,280 Whiskey, now, this time, remember that you do the drinking and the singing. 241 00:17:26,819 --> 00:17:27,819 Oh, I see. Okay. 242 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:28,880 Right, here we go, then. 243 00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,860 One bright and guiding light. 244 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:50,480 What do you think you're doing? 245 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,840 You don't do it like that. 246 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:55,320 I'm sorry. 247 00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,760 You bring a lump to my throat. 248 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,040 Look, Tommy, I'll try and explain it to you. Yes. 249 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,880 You hold the glass like that. You put the glass to your lips. Now you start 250 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,940 drinking while you're singing and they all applaud as soon as the glass is 251 00:18:12,940 --> 00:18:15,060 because they realise what a clever thing you've done. 252 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:17,740 OK, right, go ahead. 253 00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:21,570 Do you want to go ahead? What? 254 00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:22,850 Do it. 255 00:18:25,610 --> 00:18:26,990 I don't know my mother's eyes. 256 00:18:28,910 --> 00:18:29,910 Oh, I'll do it then. 257 00:18:29,930 --> 00:18:31,370 Could you hold him? He's not in this. Right. 258 00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:34,570 Now, watch this. 259 00:18:35,310 --> 00:18:36,570 Thank you. 260 00:18:38,710 --> 00:18:39,710 Thank you. 17885