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All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1992 s02e04 Identikit Cooper

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:43,180 --> 00:00:44,940 Bye. Bye. Oh, 2 00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:47,500 don't cry. 3 00:01:49,070 --> 00:01:50,070 I'll tell you. 4 00:01:55,710 --> 00:01:58,730 My wife had her face lifted last week. 5 00:01:59,950 --> 00:02:01,490 But it's not high enough. I can still see it. 6 00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:08,910 Plastic tray. 7 00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:10,870 Full glass cup. 8 00:02:13,290 --> 00:02:15,250 I'll tell you what I'm going to do. What am I shouting at? 9 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:25,520 this you see i threw this with water once under there look and that one there 10 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:29,860 and step on there and that one there 11 00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:40,620 it'll 12 00:02:40,620 --> 00:02:47,220 never sell now i put the plastic tray on there like that now the trick is this 13 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,120 Now, these eggs are so fresh, the hens haven't missed them yet. 14 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,160 Now, I'd like some here at random. 15 00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:00,060 Mr. Random. 16 00:03:01,620 --> 00:03:04,140 Would you point at any egg you like? Which egg would you like? 17 00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:06,500 This one. 18 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:09,360 Why that one? 19 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:18,680 Why not that one? This one? 20 00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:20,180 All right. 21 00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:22,620 Now, what I'm going to do... 22 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:24,940 egg to show you that it's genuine. 23 00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:32,860 Now, what I do is this. 24 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:38,800 I take one tube there, one tube there, put it on there like that, and the other 25 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:39,800 tube there. 26 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,120 So that's four tubes of four glasses. 27 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,560 And I get four fresh eggs. 28 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,320 Now, I can't break these, otherwise I'll have no trick left. 29 00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:53,950 So we assume they're all right. 30 00:03:54,950 --> 00:03:56,050 I place one there. 31 00:03:57,590 --> 00:03:58,590 One on there. 32 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,500 What I have to do, you see, I've got the water in it to break the fall of the 33 00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:34,500 eggs. 34 00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:40,500 And what I do, I should go like that, see? 35 00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,420 Or I may go like that, I don't know. 36 00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:48,060 Thank you. 37 00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:52,000 And the idea... What? 38 00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:53,220 Yes, all right. 39 00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:55,420 I'll do it in a minute. 40 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,820 And the idea, the trick is this. I go like that. 41 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,280 And the tray goes over there. 42 00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:08,980 And the eggs... They're supposed 43 00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:10,060 to go into the glasses. 44 00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:12,720 And I want to know why it hasn't worked. 45 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,240 Just like that. 46 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:24,280 I'd like to point out that you are a direct line of fire. 47 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,680 If I got one egg in, it'd still be a good trick, wouldn't it? 48 00:05:36,220 --> 00:05:38,120 Yes? It would, wouldn't it? 49 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:43,680 And I'd like to tell you... I'll give you a little tip. 50 00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:52,460 If one or two of these eggs fly out... If they fly out, see, just catch them 51 00:05:52,460 --> 00:05:53,460 like that. 52 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,740 Not like that, because it was all over. 53 00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:08,020 Bring out your suspects. Right, well, if you'd kindly sit down over here, Miss 54 00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:12,720 Pringle. I shall recognise the filthy beast. I shall know his evil face 55 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,920 anywhere. Yes, I'm sure you will, Miss Pringle. 56 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,800 Cousin, will you bring in the suspects, please? 57 00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:19,180 Thank you. 58 00:06:20,140 --> 00:06:23,460 Now, we've got a very interesting list of suspects here for you, Miss Pringle. 59 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,260 The first one is Harry the Flash. 60 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:30,680 He hangs around dark alleyways and unlit roadways and such like. 61 00:06:31,950 --> 00:06:34,510 Would you please bring in Harry the Flash? 62 00:06:34,950 --> 00:06:35,809 Here I come. 63 00:06:35,810 --> 00:06:37,150 Come on. Come on. 64 00:06:37,370 --> 00:06:39,090 Hey, don't start me. I don't know. 65 00:06:39,770 --> 00:06:40,930 Come on. 66 00:06:41,350 --> 00:06:42,350 He's got me right in the throat. 67 00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:44,390 I don't know. 68 00:06:44,750 --> 00:06:45,870 Don't start that on me. 69 00:06:55,030 --> 00:06:56,610 Hold that. 70 00:06:57,130 --> 00:07:01,370 Now, you can see, Miss Brindley, he's a very undesirable character, Ian. 71 00:07:01,790 --> 00:07:02,790 He never washes. 72 00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,710 Well, then it's certainly not the man. 73 00:07:04,910 --> 00:07:08,470 No. Now, would you please bring in the next suspect, Constable? 74 00:07:08,830 --> 00:07:11,390 No. Bring in Charles St. 75 00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:14,370 John Backwater. What are you going to ask for? Just get off. Get off. 76 00:07:16,830 --> 00:07:20,990 Now, the... What's that? What's that? Get off. 77 00:07:22,190 --> 00:07:25,890 The next character, Miss Brickle, is Charles St. 78 00:07:26,170 --> 00:07:29,950 John Backwater, otherwise known as Charlie the Con. 79 00:07:30,410 --> 00:07:36,830 Now, he frequents resorts like Nice and Cairns, and he relieves widows 80 00:07:36,830 --> 00:07:42,330 of all their loot. Would you, uh, would you please send in Charlie the car? 81 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,030 Hello. 82 00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:46,550 Hello. 83 00:07:49,190 --> 00:07:53,850 Hello, hello, hello. 84 00:07:57,090 --> 00:08:02,050 He doesn't usually... frequent these parts, so I doubt whether it's him. It 85 00:08:02,050 --> 00:08:07,190 could be him. Yeah, and he's also a wife -beater. Oh, but it's not him. No. Now, 86 00:08:07,190 --> 00:08:10,230 well, please bring in the next suspect, Constable, if you would. 87 00:08:10,770 --> 00:08:12,250 Just get off. Look at this. 88 00:08:12,990 --> 00:08:17,010 Sorry about that. 89 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:24,330 Now, the next, uh, Constable, uh, the next suspect, he's, um, he's 22, and 90 00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:26,290 Would you care to sit down? Thanks, Constable. 91 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,860 And he's six foot two. 92 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,320 And he's a vagrant. 93 00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:34,659 And he's not ready yet. 94 00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:42,559 And he's not ready for society yet. In other words, 95 00:08:42,659 --> 00:08:46,220 he's a local gypsy character known as Rudolph. 96 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,540 But I doubt whether he's your man, because he's a very nasty bit of work. 97 00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:04,250 That's not the plan. 98 00:09:04,350 --> 00:09:07,110 No. I'd like another look at Charlie the con. Yes. 99 00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:11,730 Yeah, well, would you please bring back Charlie the con? I think he's gone home, 100 00:09:11,770 --> 00:09:12,770 sir. Look in the front. 101 00:09:13,210 --> 00:09:14,630 Get it back. Get it back. 102 00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:19,150 I'm very sorry about this, Miss Pringle. 103 00:09:19,390 --> 00:09:23,630 I think the chief constable will hear about this. I'm sure he will. You see, 104 00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:25,850 can even... Hello, hello. 105 00:09:28,270 --> 00:09:29,730 How do you do? Here I am again. 106 00:09:30,050 --> 00:09:31,050 Well, that's... 107 00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:33,810 Haven't you got any more nice suspects? 108 00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:36,610 Yeah, would you please bring in some more suspects? 109 00:09:37,030 --> 00:09:39,110 There aren't any more suspects. Just get off and get a look at the lost 110 00:09:39,110 --> 00:09:40,570 property, ma 'am. The lost property. 111 00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:45,230 I'm terribly sorry. We're getting a very poor class of suspect here these days. 112 00:09:45,770 --> 00:09:50,030 Evidently. I mean, we are casting our net, you know. We are casting it in 113 00:09:50,030 --> 00:09:52,150 rotting and middle rotting. 114 00:09:57,270 --> 00:09:58,270 So stunning. 115 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,200 Well, it wasn't my fault, Sarge. 116 00:10:14,620 --> 00:10:16,260 I was running on the bike, you see. Yes. 117 00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:21,000 And this lady was in front of me, and a lorry came towards us, and I just waved 118 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:21,479 it on. 119 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,140 You mean, just like that? 120 00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:25,400 No, not like that. Just like that. 121 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,160 Oh, Moses. 122 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,900 I told her, do you know about we have a change? 123 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:41,080 It's now my great pleasure to introduce our next artist. 124 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,560 He's the real reason we joined the Common Market. 125 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,620 Who's your 126 00:10:52,620 --> 00:10:57,920 friend? Joey. 127 00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,960 Joey? It's an ostrich. Oh, don't say it. He's gone mad. 128 00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:04,280 He thinks I'm weird. Oh, he's gone really mad. Oh, look at him. 129 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,620 Oh, he's gone mad. Calm him down. 130 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,499 What do I do? 131 00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:09,620 Play some music. Music? 132 00:11:09,820 --> 00:11:10,820 Music! 133 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:50,480 Cut one, two, three. All right? 134 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:53,640 One. 135 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:21,880 Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. 136 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,040 I don't know 137 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,840 Tonight, live from the Glassblowers Hall, Winslow, we give you a match 138 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,180 Arthur Ludgrove, Southern Area Professional Super Champion. 139 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:45,680 Good evening. 140 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,460 And Terence Cooper, Amateur Champion of the Northeast. 141 00:16:01,620 --> 00:16:03,880 Now, this will be a very exciting match. 142 00:16:05,140 --> 00:16:06,540 The best of three friends. 143 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:10,020 What sort of an outfit do you call that? 144 00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:12,340 What sort of an outfit do you call that? 145 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:16,360 My... My plus threes. 146 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,360 They should have been plus fours, but they shrank. 147 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,000 You are Terence Cooper, amateur snooker champion. Nearly right. 148 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,000 No, I'm Thomas Cooper, amateur golf champion. 149 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:27,720 I see. 150 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:31,240 Tonight, live, well, there seems to be a bit of a mix -up, but I'm sure we can 151 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,840 sort it out. See, I've got this letter you see. 152 00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:34,300 Invite me. 153 00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:35,460 What snooker? 154 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,320 It's a game with balls and a sort of a stick. 155 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:40,880 No, that's golf. 156 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:42,840 Yes, it is similar. 157 00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:45,180 Mr Cooper, will you begin? 158 00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:46,580 Yes, 159 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:47,800 yes. 160 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,320 Yes, one of those little mix -ups. 161 00:17:06,890 --> 00:17:09,089 billiard table. You're quite right. There's only six holes. 162 00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:12,970 That's why I'd better break first. 163 00:17:13,270 --> 00:17:17,270 Yes, I think perhaps you'd better. Now look, you just do what I do, right? Yes. 164 00:17:18,069 --> 00:17:19,069 Do you mind? 165 00:17:19,589 --> 00:17:20,589 Thank you. 166 00:17:22,390 --> 00:17:23,770 What are you trying to do? 167 00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:25,010 Oh, sorry. 168 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:52,540 to put some backspin on the cue ball, a screw shot with a little side, round all 169 00:17:52,540 --> 00:17:55,000 the angles, back into bulk, and then snooker you behind the green. 170 00:17:56,060 --> 00:17:57,060 Why not? 171 00:17:58,780 --> 00:17:59,780 What's he talking about? 172 00:18:05,340 --> 00:18:06,319 Your turn. 173 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,540 This is going to be very tricky, this. 174 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,200 No, no, no, no. There's a cue. 175 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:11,880 Who's in front of me? 176 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,840 is to put the ball into a pocket. 177 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,340 No, no, no. Give me here. 178 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:29,840 Right, right. 179 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:30,960 Thank you. 180 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,040 Like this, see? 181 00:18:33,060 --> 00:18:34,039 There we are. 182 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,040 In the pocket. 183 00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:37,780 Then you put all the coloured balls, you see? 184 00:18:38,380 --> 00:18:42,080 Yellow, brown, blue, green, pink and black. 185 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,500 Somebody wants to say I'm colourblind. 186 00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:51,520 You just do the best you can. 187 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:52,880 Right. Of course, you may need a rest. 188 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,360 What? A rest under the table. 189 00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:00,300 I'm not tired. 190 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:02,480 What's he talking about? 191 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,620 I can't go on with this guy. He's a maniac. 192 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:06,700 He doesn't know how to handle a cue. Nothing. 193 00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:09,360 I can't. Watch this. Of course I can. Just watch this. 194 00:20:02,670 --> 00:20:03,690 You think so? Yes. 195 00:20:14,330 --> 00:20:16,190 I'd like to play a couple of songs for you. 196 00:20:17,190 --> 00:20:19,810 How they should be sung. Not like Bing Crosby's Sinatra. 197 00:20:23,530 --> 00:20:25,050 Now, how they should be sung. 198 00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:27,250 With fear. 199 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:33,200 Oh, yes. Here we are. 200 00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:43,820 What now, my love? 201 00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:52,040 Now that you left me, how can I live for 202 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,320 another day? 203 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:58,760 What's my dream? 14343