All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1992 s02e02 Nautical Cooper

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good on.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, I like that.

I think I'll do it again.

Here's a little joke I'd like to tell
you now.

You like this joke?

Here's a little joke.

I want to tell a joke.

What is it? They took the mic off.

Well, why didn't they do it? I don't
know.

I'll do a little magic instead.

From this empty cloth, I will now
produce a big, large bowl of goldfish.

I don't know why I did that.

It's nothing to do with the trick.

A large bowl of goldfish.

on the table.

Take anything off.

That's not mine.

That's not my table. Take it off.

Just take it off.

Too heavy?

All right, put that down. All right,
take a bit off.

this morning, sir.

I've got a feeling this whole operation
is coming apart.

What do you mean, sir?

What do I mean?

I'll get it fixed. I'll get it fixed.
Okay.

Boneson, Boneson, take the wheel.

Do your best to get them a show with
colour, and that's all the thanks they

give.

All right, seen anything on the port
side, Copperfield? Keep your eyes open.

Aye, aye, sir. Nothing happening? No,
sir.

I'll take up a bit.

Bolton!

Bolton! Bolton!

Yes, sir.

Bolton, for goodness sake.

What a funny place to put our lighters.

It's easily done.

Sorry, sorry.

Caps off, Boston. Caps off.

Oh, I hope she doesn't have the cold
traced.

Who was it, sir?

Just a friend.

For what?

Oh, look, sir.

Right on the enemy aircraft.

Come into the water. Yeah, dive, dive,
dive.

Get down below, Governor.

Don't forget the cleats. I'll be last
down.

Sir, sir, sir.

We're on a battleship.

Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop.

It's easily done.

Yes, it is.

Right, lads.

Copperfield, keep your eyes out there.
It's nothing to do with you, lads.

In any case, that was a seagull we saw.

Better get your eyes tested.

Is this your first time at sea, Bolson?

No, sir.

I come from a seafaring family.

My brother was a seaman, my father was a
seaman, and my mother was a seaman.

So you joined up?

You joined up for hostilities only, or
are you regular?

Regular, sir.

After breakfast every morning.

You know, the minute you joined the
ship, I could tell by your gait, by the

your duffel went over your shoulder.

You'll do for me, Bolson.

Well, anything to make you happy, sir.

Well, how you doing, cats?

My name is Johnny Check.

I ain't got the cash on me.

I just tune up here just a little.

for now.

So here we go now.

With a hippity hippity mulligan and a
mittsy mittsy holligan

and an itsy mittsy bitsy hoolay.

I don't know.

I sang that song all over the world.

I sang it to the shepherds in Tibet, to
Chinese coolies in China,

because there's a lot of Chinese out
there, and to the Arabs in the desert. I

always got the same response.

They threw bricks at me.

And now here's a little protest number.

There ain't no hot water in my dressing
room.

The kettle's boiling.

Oh, there you go.

We're a happy ship, Bosun.

A very happy ship. We are a happy ship.
A happy ship.

I mean, we've had our ups and downs.

Boy, you have to on a ship, sir.

We are a happy ship. Oh, very happy
ship, sir. Now, don't be lazy, Bosun.

a happy ship.

A happy ship, sir.

You're not just saying that because...
You're the humble bosun and I'm the

No, sir.

I'll take my cap off, let me be honest.
I'll be a happy ship.

Yes!

A very, very happy ship.

I'll never be honest with a happier
ship.

It's happy, happy, happy.

Happy, happy, happy ship.

One thing I can't stand, it's a crawler.

Last week I went to, um...

a travel agency about my holidays.

And there was a big poster of Mallorca.

So I thought, I want to go there. So he
pinned me to the wall.

And I went by jumbo jet.

The pilot was an elephant.

And I always sit in the tail end of a
plane, always.

Because you never hear a plane backing
into a mountain.

the hotel in Mallorca.

They gave me the red carpet treatment.

They did. I thought it was very nice of
them.

And they said, the beds are not ready,
so you've got to sleep on the red

And I got to the room, and there was no
ceiling to the room. So I rang out to

the manager. I said, there's no ceiling
to my room.

He said, that's all right. He said, the
manager doesn't walk about much.

I'm leaking.

And when I got back... When I got back
from the holiday, I parked the car in

drive, took the luggage out of the back
seat, and helped my wife down from the

roof rack.

And there was 2 ,000 milk bowls on the
doorstep.

And I said to the milkman, I said, I've
been away on a holiday.

He said, thank goodness for that. He
said, I was beginning to think you

like the stuff.

The producers gave me the cigar.

One for himself and one for me.

Yeah, he did. He got them.

Two for one pound ten pence.

I think it was the ten pence one.

Morning.

All those traffic waters are dreadful.

I've just been towed away.

And a funny thing, I didn't have the car
with me.

You're a comedian, aren't you, Mr.
Coulthard?

Yes.

It's down on your in -cab tax form,
otherwise I wouldn't have you here.

Marmaduke Marmalade... Yes?

Pardon? Marmaduke Marmalade is down on
this form as being resident at your

address.

Yes. We're hoping you can help us,
because he hasn't paid any income tax in

years. Oh.

Hello to the gentleman. Hello, hello,
hello.

Um, I can take it that this is... What
are you doing?

Sir, what did you... I thought I'd get
me on with your back. Shut up.

Is this Mr. Marmonet? Yes.

Mr. Cooper, he's... he's wooden.

That's why you wouldn't pay his tax.

I do magic tricks as well.

Yes, yes.

How did he get into our files?

Ah, well... Look, funny I do that, see,
because... It's what you call a

job of getting on glue, you see.

And quite... We'll get on glue all the
time.

I think it might be a little easier if
you spoke for him.

Well, I was doing it, didn't I?

Please be careful. This is government
property.

The fact is that Mr.

Marmalade... Call the marmalade. He
likes that.

Mr. Marmalade has been processed through
our computer as a human being.

Help Mr. Betsy. Go on.

And as far as the computer is concerned,
has evaded tax... Has evaded tax for

ten years.

A serious offence. He could be locked
up.

Oh, he doesn't mind that. He spends most
of his time locked up.

A silly mistake has been made and the
common sense thing to do is to forget

about it.

But this is a government office and
common sense doesn't come into it.

The formalities must be completed.

Now, take this form.

There we are.

Now, read it carefully.

Read it carefully and fill it in.

He can't read.

You've gone upside down, you idiot.

You can fill it in for him.

How can I? I've got my hand up his back.
I've got something in my eye.

It's a finger.

And I went into a drugstore, which is
the chemist here, isn't it, in a

drugstore, and I said to the man behind,
I said, have you got anything for a

headache? He said, yes. So he gave me
this, and I went to pay him. He said,

toss you a double or nothing.

So I lost. I walked up with two
headaches.

Now, will you please answer... Will you
please answer the following question?

Yes.

And to make it more difficult, I shall
drink a glass of water at the same time.

Would you hand me the water?

Now then, full... Hand me the water.

Full...

I don't understand a word.

Well, I just... I just spent my drink in
a glass of water. It's not easy, is it?

Marmalade.

Marmalade.

Now, sex?

Male, I suppose?

Well, it's a little bit delicate,
really.

Well, he was.

Until the woodworm got at him.

Well, I suppose I'd better leave it
open.

Well, we'll do that.

That's why the woodworm got in.

Ah,

next question.

Any children?

Three.

Three children?

Yes, I have. No, no, no, not you, him.

Don't you discuss it, he's only 12.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise this.

Next of kin is the oak tree at the
bottom of the garden.

He's not a close family, but he comes
from a branch of it.

I see.

Put that down with Peter.

There's a secret on all.

Do you mind? That was my tea. I haven't
finished it.

I'm sorry. He thought it was tea oil.

Now,

one last formality. Could...

Mr Marmalade signed the form? Of course.

Could I borrow a pen, please?

Could you borrow a pen?

A pen? A pen, yes.

Certainly.

He's a terrible speller.

There was his greatest downfall.

Even at school, his mother wanted him to
be a school desk.

He didn't have the right legs for it.

I don't think I need to know.

Mr. Robert.

Do you mind?

You naughty boy.

Take a man's pen into the case you go.

No, not the case. Yes, into the case.

Marmaduke doesn't have to pay tax.

Of course he doesn't. Good night.

Good night!

Well,

that was not a fuss. Not nothing.
Anyway, it was worth it. Right. Adieu,

Marmaduke.

Oh, there's another year you don't have
to pay tax.

Thanks a lot, Tom.

That's your line? Yeah, why not?

your first girlfriend?

Well, um, I met her on board ship. Oh,
yes. Yes, I was, yes.

And, uh, I proposed to her. Mm -hmm.
See?

And, uh, I was on, it was a fancy dress,
it was, um, a carnival night. Oh, yes.

And it was a fancy dress.

Mm -hmm.

And I was a fairy.

Fancy.

Your daughter's hanging by a thread, you
know that, don't you?

And you do know that, don't you? Oh,
yes, yes, I do know.

It's a joke, isn't it?

Candy, candy.

Just once.

No, no, please, please.

And she was a clown.

One or two more tricks. Oh, gosh. Make
it quick, Tom. It's the end. All right,

well, take a card. Yeah. Any card you
like. Yes. All right, look at it. Yes.

Tear it in half. Yes.

Quickly, then. Tear it in half.

Yes. Tear it again. Yes.

Tear it once again.

Yes. Yes. All right, throw it in the
air. Yes. Happy New Year.

Thank you.

We should bring it closely.