All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1992 s01e06 Courting Cooper

Thank you.

Oh, what a lovely audience.

I just got back from Manchester.

What a walk.

Here's a quick impression. Look, quick
impression.

Of an aeroplane that's lost.

Did you hear that quick joke about the
short -sighted bank robber?

He went to the bank and said, stick him
up.

Are they up?

Here's a little trick. Look.

Six. I saw another magician do this.

This is not my trick.

Six, three, four, one.

Four. One. Six.

sympathetic part. Very sympathetic.

It's funny. I've made my nose fix my
teeth on work.

It's a very sympathetic part.

I'll give you a rough idea what it is.

The seat opens like that.

It's a thatch cottage. It's all made of
thatch.

And there's a lot of violins going.

It'd be better now.

And as the dear old lady sits in the
chair there, armchair there, dear old

dear old man sits in the armchair there,
there's a baby in the cot and a dog on

the mat.

And I have this very sympathetic part.

I creep in through the door, and I hit
the old man on top of the head.

See, and he doesn't say much. He just
says, oh.

Then I stab the lady in the back.

She doesn't like it.

She doesn't like it.

Then I strangle the baby.

Now, this is where the simulated part
comes in.

On the way out, I pat the dog.

I was walking down the street the other
day. I was looking over a little fence.

And I saw a little chicken there. A
little chicken.

A little roll -on in red.

See?

I looked at it. It didn't see me for a
minute.

And he turned and looked at me like
that.

He had a bit of a stiff neck.

Please make her belong arrested for
using foul language.

Don't get down, Thomas.

Oh, thank you. Would you care for a cup
of tea?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Daughter, I spoke very highly of you. As
you really were. That's splendid.

Look, Thomas, do have a drink. Have a
drop of whiskey.

There you are.

As a matter of fact, she hasn't told us
much about you.

There's a green fly in there. Beg your
pardon?

He's happy. He's looking at him swimming
about.

Well, now, I don't suppose my daughter
will be very long, Thomas, so you and I

can get to know each other.

Would you care for a sandwich?

I mean, uh... Thomas, what are your
intentions?

Well, I thought we'd go to the pictures.

No, no.

I think father means after that.

Well, between you and me, I like to drag
her in a shop doorway.

And with a bit of luck. Yes, quite,
quite.

That's no concern of ours, of course, is
it? Here, have a cigar.

There we are.

That's it.

That's the fellow.

You're not eating your sandwiches.

Besides, she caught some... I got
herself a nice young man.

I, um... I trust you can support a
family.

Well, how many of you are there?

Oh!

Very humorous, yes. Very funny.

What exactly do you do for a living?

I'm a magician.

That wonderful trick of sawing a woman
in half.

I've done this trick quite a few times.
As a matter of fact, I've got two half

-sisters to prove it.

And they're in Charing Cross Hospital,
in rooms 26 and 27.

It's a wonderful trick, this.

I like doing this.

Right, can you up the chance, please?

So in a moment in half...

Good. Would you wiggle your feet?

What am I carrying this about?

You've got to wiggle your feet, you see.

It takes a long time because a brain
takes a long time to get down to her

All right, wiggle your feet.

Now!

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle,
wiggle.

I will now send Cigarock into furniture.

One, two, three.

Three, three, three.

I lost my budgie.

Albert.

Albert, where are you, Albert?

I love him.

I was over there, a little case there.

And I was gone.

I bought him a little ladder, look. See
the little ladder?

So he can run up. down there like that.

And I bought little things on each side.
One was for water.

I don't know what that was for.

I know he's gone.

I'll be all right. It's all right.

I'll get over it. I'll get over it. I
shouldn't do this, really.

I bought the ladder. Oh, I've said that.
I bought the... Then I bought those

little bells for him. See the little
bells?

He used to put his little head on them.

And a little bell.

And I'd hit it with a mallet.

He used to love that, honestly.

And now he's gone.

And then I open the little doors like
that and he's like... Flutter away like

that.

Flutter, flutter, flutter.

A little bit of fart, then you flutter
faster like that.

He was fluttering all over the place.

He was the biggest flutterer you've ever
seen in your life.

And then he's gone.

Think of it.

Oh, there you are.

Where are you speaking?

And I'd like to do something dramatic
for you.

I'd like to do a one -man theatre.

There should have been a one -man or one
-woman theatre, but you never turned

up.

Because you didn't want to play the part
of the sailor.

I shall do both parts.

This side is Sally.

The very shy, innocent young maiden.

You've got to use your imagination.

And the other side, a sailor. Tall,
virile, incredibly handsome.

He doesn't re -use your imagination here
at all.

Now, I want you to picture the scene.

It's a tumble -down cottage in 1898.

It's a very long street.

And next door in 1897 lives

this wicked squire who wants to pull
down Sally's cottage.

To build a multi -storey cowshed.

But help is at hand.

Oh, Sally.

Oh, Jack.

You've come back after all these years
away at sea.

I'm not there for a start, am I?

he'll come back to me.

Oh, Jack, Jack.

Is it really you, Jack?

No, my name's Fred.

What?

What doesn't matter as long as you come
back to me?

As long as you come back to me.

Sub, sub, sub, sub, sub.

I'm holding you fast as I can.

Now, what about this wicky squire?

Well, he wanted to throw me out into the
snow with my two -year -old child.

Well, don't you worry, Sally.

After four years away, see, I've saved a
lot of money, and I shall...

How

old do you say?

How did it happen?

Well, you wrote very passionate letters.

Yes, you're quite right. I did, didn't
I?

He's the blame.

With his curly black hair and his little
thin moustache and that hooked nose.

Don't worry about the squad.

Look at your little boy.

You're quite right, Sally. Look at him
lying there.

Beautiful in his cot.

With his curly black hair and that
little thin moustache.

Reminds me of somebody.

My mother.

My mother?

Yes, your mother. And not only that, the
squire.

Sally, I'm going to leave you, Sally.

Oh, no, Fred, no.

Yes, I must.

Fred, can't we start all over again?

Well, all right, if you must.

We'll start all over again.

Here we go, lovey. Here we got him.

Here's a little trick I like showing
now.

All right, eyes down, look in.

Eyes of spines.

Eyes of diamonds.

And the ace of hearts.

Wait a minute.

Eyes of diamonds, ace of hearts.

And the eyes are marked.

And the eyes...

Tommy and I give me odd numbers between
one and four.

Any odd number between one and four?

Three. Right, three it is.

One, a two, a three.

That's three.

That's it. I'll put those three down
there.

is gone.

You turn the ice of clubs... This

is a terrible class.

Ice of clubs over like that.

And you go...

Disappear negative.

And you're bringing the handkerchief
out.

Thank you.

What a lovely audience.

Now, as you all know, this is a trick.

It is a trick.

Now, I'll let you show how it's done,
you see, but I must slow down, but I

do that because I work very, very fast.

I work very, very fast.

As a matter of fact, I belong to the
Magic Circle.

I belong to the Secret Six.

It's so secret, I don't even know the
other part.

What was I talking about? Oh, yes.

I'd like to slow down for you, you see,
but I can't do it because I went very,

very far.

But I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll ask
the producer if he would just play it.

in slow motion relay, like they do on a
football match.

You know, so if you don't know how the
trick is done, at least you know how to

score a goal.

May I have slow motion relay, please?