All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1992 s01e04 Cooper a la Carte

Thank you.

Can't fall down. Got my finger there?

The very famous Indian rope trick.

You may have seen this trick because
I'll tell you what happens.

I throw this into the air, it stands up
on its own, and a boy climbs up it.

I will

now make that jump from there down to
there.

From there down to there. It's a whole,
whole high.

There it is.

There it is.

There it is.

There it is.

eat no feet his wife could eat no lean
so between the both you see

they died of starvation

So I met this man at the airport.

And he said to me, would you like to
share a taxi with me? I said, yes.

He said, well, you take the wheels, I'll
take the engine.

Oh, dear.

I'm so fed up with this.

Downstairs and downstairs.

In his nightgown.

And you think I'm that, sir?

The vanishing bouquet of flowers.

Was that my fault, that?

It was all right for a long time.

Life of Chitty Grammar, Tom.

Well, it was the happiest time of my
life.

Any particular reason?

Yeah, it was a girl's school.

I should have known that. Now, did you
have any particular ambition at school?

I mean, was there anything you wanted to
grow up into? Yes, I wanted to be an

actor. An actor?

Yes, I mean, because my father was a
great philosopher.

Oh, yes. And he said to me, it doesn't
matter if you let love slip through your

fingers.

or even money slip through your fingers.

But when your fingers slip through your
fingers, you're in trouble.

It's semi -jolly, that, isn't it?

You know, I think you're trying to tell
me, Tom, that you don't believe in

education.

Well, I wouldn't say that. Well, not
really. I mean, I knew a teacher once

was given this religious instruction,
you see.

And this teacher said to this boy, who
knocked down the walls of Jericho?

And he said, I didn't do it.

And he said, if I knew who did it, I
wouldn't tell you.

That's what he said. He said, I wouldn't
cross on anybody.

So this teacher was having lunch, you
know, and he said to this other teacher,

he said, what a funny school this is. He
said, my first day here.

He said, I asked this boy who knocked
down the walls of Jericho, and he said

didn't do it.

And he said, if he knew who did it, he
wouldn't tell me because he wouldn't

cross on anybody.

So this teacher said, wasn't he a little
fair -haired boy?

With freckles. He said, yes.

He said, well, if he said he didn't do
it, he didn't do it.

So this

teacher,

the same teacher, he went along to the
educational board, to see the chief

officer there.

And he said to him, he said, do you
know, it's the funniest school he's ever

met.

He said, I said to this boy, who knocked
on the door to Jericho?

And he said... I'm laughing.

I know what's coming next.

And he said, who knocked on the door to
Jericho? He said it twice.

And he said, I didn't do it.

And he said, if I knew who did it, I
wouldn't crash on anybody.

See?

So... I was... Speaking to this other
teacher, this other teacher said, well,

told this other teacher.

I said, I wonder what I'm talking about
now.

I said to this teacher, to this other
teacher, I was talking to this boy, I

said, who knocked on the walls of
Jericho?

See, and he said he didn't do it.

He said, and if he did, he didn't know,
he wouldn't tell anybody.

He said,

what if he didn't do it?

He said, what if he didn't do it? He
said, what if he didn't do it? He said,

what if he didn't do it?

He said, what if he didn't do it?

He said, what if he didn't do it?

to show how versatile I am.

I'd like to give you my impression of
Romeo and Juliet.

Which I don't think Doug has ever seen
before.

Romeo and Juliet. And I shall play both
parts.

I hear there was someone in your
chambers last night.

Yes,

there was.

I love kids. Went to school with them.

My boy came towards me the other day and
he walked slowly towards me. Oh,

it's wonderful.

He's only 15.

He'll be 16 soon, no one let him.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. That's all I'm saying.

I joined a golf club last week.

Keeps coming apart.

I don't know what it means.

I don't understand these ones.

I've got two watches.

I've got millions of them.

Which one would you like?

Oh, I think I'll... Yes, I'll have that
one. Sure, sir.

What, that one?

Yes. Not Fred.

Fred? It's been three years since we
opened, kind of, Fred.

Don't be ridiculous, man. He's here to
be eaten.

Shh, he heard that.

I know all his moods.

Look at him swooping about there.

Oh, that was so.

I thought he was a trout.

Oh, it's jokes now, is it?

Oh, I'm feeling brute.

Look in there.

Fred, come on, Fred.

Choochie, choochie, choochie, choochie.

Choochie, choochie.

You're not having it.

manner, John.

Oh, that's different.

You can have him. How do you want him,
fried or boiled?

If you don't get me that trout, I shall
personally see to it that you are fired.

Oh, well, him or me is different. You
should have told me that in the first

place.

Fred!

Come on, Fred. Look what I've got for
you, Fred.

Come for a walkie, Fred.

Egg on toast.

tartar sauce.

It is like tartar sauce.

I'll take him to the chef.

I think I'd rather have the steak.

Oh, there's a thought.

Yes, do you know, I think we'll both
have the steak instead.

Steak? I'm not proud.

No. Oh, dear. All right.

How do you mean?

Give me a shady nook by a family room
where no

one else can see.

a bench for two where we can really kill
I'm out

she's gonna be if there's anyone