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All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1992 s01e02 Cooper at Sea

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:43,540 Thank you. 2 00:00:43,660 --> 00:00:44,660 Thank you very much. 3 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:46,680 Thank you. 4 00:00:48,060 --> 00:00:49,060 Thank you. 5 00:00:49,620 --> 00:00:50,620 Thank you. 6 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:52,240 Thank you very much. 7 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:53,840 What a lovely audience. 8 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:57,000 Well, I must say, you have been a good audience. 9 00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,360 And I'd like to close it up, eh? 10 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:02,620 Oh, dear, I've had a pain here all day. 11 00:01:03,220 --> 00:01:04,220 Look at that. 12 00:01:13,510 --> 00:01:14,510 Oh, isn't it hot? 13 00:01:15,310 --> 00:01:16,310 It's the heat that does it. 14 00:01:22,790 --> 00:01:24,250 It's different every time, isn't it? 15 00:01:28,110 --> 00:01:29,430 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 16 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,760 I went to see my doctor. I had to. He's ill. 17 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:57,340 And he said to me, he said, can I help you? I said, yes. 18 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,080 I said, I get these terrible dreams. He said, what's that? I said, I keep 19 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:01,740 dreaming. These beautiful girls keep coming towards me. 20 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,520 Beautiful girls. I keep pushing them away. They keep coming towards me. I 21 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:05,520 pushing them away. 22 00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:07,260 He said, what do you want me to do? I said, break my arm. 23 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,720 He said, I want you lying down on the couch. 24 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,240 I said, what for? He said, I want to sweep out. 25 00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:31,440 I said, but seriously, doctor. I said, seriously. 26 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:35,500 I said, seriously, doctor. 27 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:41,860 Seriously, doctor. I said, I have broke my arm in several places. 28 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:44,800 He said, well, you shouldn't go to those places. 29 00:02:58,890 --> 00:03:00,970 barber coming to the front guard. See, he's turning the spit like that and the 30 00:03:00,970 --> 00:03:01,970 flame's getting higher and higher. 31 00:03:04,510 --> 00:03:05,448 Higher and higher. 32 00:03:05,450 --> 00:03:08,230 See? And he's singing. Oh, soul of me. 33 00:03:09,090 --> 00:03:11,130 No music. 34 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:14,750 Oh, soul of me. 35 00:03:16,810 --> 00:03:17,810 Farewell. 36 00:03:19,570 --> 00:03:21,150 And the flame's getting higher and higher. 37 00:03:22,250 --> 00:03:24,630 And a drunk walks by. He says, your singing's all right, mate. A monkey's on 38 00:03:24,630 --> 00:03:25,630 fire. 39 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:36,600 . 40 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:36,240 Yes. 41 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,660 just told me just before the show. 42 00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:43,360 And she said to me, I've got water in a carburettor. 43 00:05:44,020 --> 00:05:45,420 I said, where's the car? She said, in the river. 44 00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:51,060 Oh, excuse me, that reminds me. 45 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:57,920 One minute, please. 46 00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:02,540 Hello? 47 00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:04,180 Is that the GPO? 48 00:06:08,430 --> 00:06:11,130 Look, I won't complain about my... my phone bills. 49 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:14,190 They keep going up and up. 50 00:06:15,870 --> 00:06:16,970 But why are they so big? 51 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:53,560 with a bird on his head. 52 00:06:55,860 --> 00:06:57,540 And the doctor said, what can I do for you? 53 00:06:57,940 --> 00:07:00,300 And the bird said, would you take this man off my feet? 54 00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:03,780 There you go, guys. 55 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,260 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you now to meet an old ship... 56 00:12:37,210 --> 00:12:38,210 Be brisk. 57 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:24,920 I speak to Inspector Smith. 58 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,100 Is that your inspector? 59 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:30,960 Well, it's me. 60 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,520 You know me, don't you? 61 00:13:37,580 --> 00:13:40,220 Listen, I've got the news you wanted. 62 00:13:40,660 --> 00:13:42,300 I can tell you who the killer is. 63 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:50,420 The killer's name is... The killer's name 64 00:13:50,420 --> 00:13:51,420 is... 65 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,920 I'll ring him back later. There's too much noise in here. 66 00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:21,700 I think I've done my leg in. 67 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,620 Good evening, Mr Cooper. Good evening. 68 00:14:36,220 --> 00:14:37,440 I believe you have a black belt. 69 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:38,840 Yes. 70 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,380 And before that, I had a brown belt. And before that, I had a white belt. 71 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:44,499 And before that? 72 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:45,500 My trousers were pulled out. 73 00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:51,520 Yes, now, these karate experts seem to care. What are they like? 74 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,040 Marvellous. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Japanese. 75 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:55,600 All Japanese are. Oh, yes. 76 00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:59,280 And one was about that high. 77 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:00,480 See? 78 00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:04,180 And... And... 79 00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:10,360 These six men came towards him, six by three foot four they were, and they all 80 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,100 came towards him and attacked him at the same time. And what happened? 81 00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:14,340 They murdered him. 82 00:15:16,980 --> 00:15:18,980 Tell me. No, not yet. No. 83 00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:20,900 Tell me. 84 00:15:27,740 --> 00:15:29,220 It's remarkable, yes. 85 00:15:29,660 --> 00:15:34,520 Now, what would you do if a man came towards you with a gun in his hand? 86 00:15:36,380 --> 00:15:37,720 About 50 miles an hour. 87 00:15:40,380 --> 00:15:44,040 You're right. Now is the time. Now is the time. I believe that you are going 88 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:47,340 break these four bricks in halves with a single blow of your hand. 89 00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:48,259 That's quite right. 90 00:15:48,260 --> 00:15:49,260 Yes. Quite right. 91 00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:53,260 See, because, look, that there is like solid steel. 92 00:15:53,460 --> 00:15:54,460 Really? 93 00:15:55,860 --> 00:15:57,120 I don't feel any pain. 94 00:15:57,520 --> 00:15:58,520 No pain at all. 95 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,460 Marvellous. This hand is a killer. 96 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,040 No? 97 00:16:02,540 --> 00:16:03,540 Yes, go ahead. 98 00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:10,750 It's the wrong hand. It's this one. 99 00:16:18,370 --> 00:16:21,730 The very famous magic clock. 100 00:17:11,690 --> 00:17:12,790 So hula hacha, I'm a hula hula. 101 00:17:55,980 --> 00:17:56,879 Thank you, Chief. 102 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,140 Yes? Anybody here? 103 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,080 Thank you very much. 104 00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:43,260 for a minute. What I should do, I should go down here like this. 105 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,560 See? Yeah. I should stand here like that. 106 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,080 Right? And you'll be up there. Yeah. And I want you to creep towards me and try 107 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,020 to hit me in the back with that plank of wood. 108 00:19:51,260 --> 00:19:53,720 Are you sure about that? Oh, yes. Because you won't have a chance, you 109 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,120 Because I should stand like that and I should turn around very quickly like 110 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,120 that. Or I may go that way. I don't know. 111 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,720 I may go up. 112 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:09,060 And I should take the wood and jam it in the eyes like that. 113 00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:12,970 Yes, I'm not... Very good at hitting people. Don't worry. I'll tell you what. 114 00:20:13,050 --> 00:20:15,310 Take your shoes off so I can't hear you coming down and talking. 115 00:20:19,470 --> 00:20:21,150 Up here. Up here? Yes. 116 00:20:23,210 --> 00:20:24,730 Right. Just there like that. 117 00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:26,170 Oh, yes. 118 00:20:26,550 --> 00:20:28,790 Right? See? Now, don't forget, Noah. 119 00:20:29,390 --> 00:20:33,130 Come down any time you like because I've got amazing reflexes. 120 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:57,960 I mean, can you, um... I'll tell you what, can you cough? 121 00:20:58,220 --> 00:20:59,220 Yeah. 122 00:21:00,580 --> 00:21:02,620 Put your shoes on. Oh. 123 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,260 And this time, when you come down, cough. 124 00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:12,639 Like that. 125 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,140 Yeah, that's it. I mean, you'd better give me a chance. Oh, of course, yes. 126 00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:18,900 I mean, I've got major reflexes. 127 00:21:19,450 --> 00:21:21,230 But you've got to be fair, haven't you? Yes, fair is fair. 128 00:21:21,450 --> 00:21:22,409 Oh, yes, yes. 129 00:21:22,410 --> 00:21:23,550 I do see that. 130 00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,390 Right. Right? 131 00:21:25,790 --> 00:21:29,310 Yes. Now, come down, see, as fast, loud as possible. 132 00:21:30,310 --> 00:21:36,450 I'm beginning to enjoy this. 133 00:21:42,090 --> 00:21:44,930 Can you... Can you sing? 134 00:21:45,730 --> 00:21:48,210 Not very well. Any particular song? 135 00:21:48,410 --> 00:21:50,080 Anything you like. I told you to do this. 136 00:21:50,620 --> 00:21:51,620 Here we are. 137 00:21:51,820 --> 00:21:56,520 You've got your shoes on. I want you to come up here and sing a song and come 138 00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:57,520 down very heavy like that. 139 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,840 It's a long way to go. 140 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,360 It's a long way to go. 141 00:22:04,820 --> 00:22:05,820 Yes. 142 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:07,120 Right? Yes. 143 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,540 I want you to sneak up on me. 144 00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:10,980 Loudly. 145 00:22:15,620 --> 00:22:17,100 All right? Are you ready? 146 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:18,480 Okay. 147 00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:20,630 That's it. 148 00:22:21,110 --> 00:22:22,550 Surprise, attack, surprise. 149 00:22:23,670 --> 00:22:24,670 Start, baby. 150 00:22:25,090 --> 00:22:26,470 Uh -huh. Where's he gone? 151 00:22:38,170 --> 00:22:39,170 I'll tell you what. 152 00:22:40,750 --> 00:22:44,670 How about wearing a blindfold and bang a big drum? 153 00:22:55,790 --> 00:23:00,690 From the zippy vase or vase, I will now produce a bouquet of flowers. 10441