All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1980 s01e04 September 23, 1980
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1
00:00:12,110 --> 00:00:13,110
Thank you.
2
00:00:13,310 --> 00:00:14,310
Thank you.
3
00:00:17,770 --> 00:00:19,090
Look, look at the eyes, look.
4
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,230
Rolling again.
5
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:23,630
Got a blind headache.
6
00:00:25,750 --> 00:00:28,070
I have, they say take an aspirin for a
headache.
7
00:00:28,490 --> 00:00:29,490
Who wants a headache?
8
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:37,090
I like to give you an album made very
quickly now. I want to do a very quick
9
00:00:37,090 --> 00:00:43,290
impression. The first... Now,
10
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what I thought about doing is... Hey,
11
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my bike's gone. Sorry, my bike.
12
00:00:55,150 --> 00:00:56,730
Hey, my bike's gone.
13
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Yes, it's Cooper's half hour.
14
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to the chat.
15
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:29,680
be the same.
16
00:02:30,180 --> 00:02:36,880
Now I've had my fun, but there is just
one who got me from the start.
17
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Exit Big North from Winnetka.
18
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It needs a big...
19
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I've been the big noise pump with that
girl for too long.
20
00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:13,760
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the star of
our show, Tommy Cooper.
21
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:19,279
I must say, it gives me a great thrill
for you to see me.
22
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:30,300
I was driving up here tonight in the
car, and I came outside the studio, and
23
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:33,200
said to a policeman, I said, can I park
here? He said, no.
24
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:35,740
I said, what are the other cars doing
here?
25
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:37,260
He said, they didn't ask.
26
00:04:46,380 --> 00:04:48,500
I just had a phone put in my car.
27
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Well, I can't understand. I don't know
how they got the phone box in.
28
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Right, now, let me see. There's a little
trigger light through there.
29
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52 play cards.
30
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:13,640
53.
31
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Which I place inside this little
container here.
32
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Now the idea, I was showing my wife this
drink.
33
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I do know my wife loves cooking.
34
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And she never wastes anything.
35
00:05:32,430 --> 00:05:36,530
I mean, if there's meat left over from
the night before, next day there's stew.
36
00:05:38,350 --> 00:05:41,350
And the other night there was some fat
left over.
37
00:05:42,290 --> 00:05:43,290
Next day...
38
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We had a bar of soap.
39
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:54,820
One car would slowly rise up from the
pack.
40
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:58,360
What do you think of a car, sir?
41
00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:00,840
Not as big.
42
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,160
Not as big.
43
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You weren't told to say that, were you?
44
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It'll slowly rise up from the pack.
45
00:06:15,030 --> 00:06:16,170
Comes up to about there.
46
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Come, try it on me, Jess.
47
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:41,840
Right, that's that, then.
48
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:48,220
It is written down with a little
handkerchief. Watch it very, very
49
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I just place the handkerchief like this.
50
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,180
I don't know why I did that.
51
00:07:17,130 --> 00:07:19,190
And then he's playing into the tin box
here.
52
00:07:22,870 --> 00:07:27,210
I know the very famous managing wand in
the newspaper.
53
00:07:28,710 --> 00:07:30,450
There's a white tip here and a white tip
there.
54
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Now, the reason for the white tips is to
separate the ends from the centre.
55
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I get worse.
56
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It clings to my hand. Look at that.
57
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:43,650
Half all done. Got my finger there.
58
00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:49,460
A solid one.
59
00:07:54,020 --> 00:07:59,640
It will disappear like a flash of
lightning in front of your very eyes.
60
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,040
Solid one.
61
00:08:24,010 --> 00:08:26,950
Ladies and gentlemen, Los Riales of
Paraguay.
62
00:09:07,830 --> 00:09:10,630
Thank you.
63
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:37,280
igual que palomas mensajeras de luz
saber que tus besos se quedaron en
64
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mi haciendo mis labios
65
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about 80, 85, on a holiday, on a
holiday, and he thinks he's about
66
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20.
67
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We all do, don't we?
68
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:47,160
And he goes down to the beach, to the
pool like this.
69
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:55,800
And he said, he said in a laugh, hello,
hello,
70
00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:58,120
he says, where's all the girls then?
71
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,040
What, they're not here yet?
72
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:02,560
Oh, dear.
73
00:12:11,770 --> 00:12:13,690
And the other one is about the show
-off.
74
00:12:14,330 --> 00:12:18,990
The one on the high board, the diving
board, the very high diving board, the
75
00:12:18,990 --> 00:12:20,050
show -off. There's always one.
76
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:06,900
...stated that the average person moves
or shifts position some 140 times during
77
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a normal eight -hour sleeping period.
78
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:14,240
To prove this theory, we have arranged
for our volunteer to be filmed during
79
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,260
eight hours of sleep.
80
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,000
This is the result of our experiment.
81
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:46,320
and gentlemen, Danny Doyle. Come over
the hill,
82
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,420
my bonnie Irish girl.
83
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:56,640
Come over the hills to your darling
84
00:15:22,060 --> 00:15:28,720
That in yonder garden rose There is the
85
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lily of the valley Clear
86
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is the water that flowed from the vine
87
00:15:53,770 --> 00:16:00,770
by Calarney's greenwoods we did stray on
the
88
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moon and the stars were a -shining
89
00:16:06,650 --> 00:16:13,170
the moon shone its rays on her
90
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locked -up golden hair she swore she'd
be my
91
00:16:19,970 --> 00:16:21,550
love forever
92
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:40,860
There is the lily of the valley.
93
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:48,400
Clear is the water that flows from
94
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the boy.
95
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:55,440
But my love is fairer than
96
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,100
any.
97
00:16:58,940 --> 00:17:01,700
My love, she...
98
00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:19,869
to do something now very dramatic for
you.
99
00:17:20,130 --> 00:17:22,150
I'll recite a poem for you.
100
00:17:24,930 --> 00:17:26,670
It was New Year's Eve at Joe's pub.
101
00:17:27,069 --> 00:17:28,410
A happy mob was there.
102
00:17:29,030 --> 00:17:31,870
The bars and tables were crowded and
lots of noise filled the air.
103
00:17:32,830 --> 00:17:36,610
In the middle of all this gaiety, the
door banged a little wide, a torn and
104
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tattered tramp walked in.
105
00:17:39,290 --> 00:17:40,610
Happy New Year, folks, he cried.
106
00:17:41,670 --> 00:17:45,450
The crowd just looked at him and laughed
and some began to jeer.
107
00:17:45,810 --> 00:17:46,850
But a sailor!
108
00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:49,990
Stood at the bar, said, Chivahoy, mate,
have a beer.
109
00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:55,230
I'll thank you, son, the tramp replied.
110
00:17:55,770 --> 00:17:57,110
The beer and me are through.
111
00:17:57,770 --> 00:18:01,310
I'll never touch a drop again, but I'll
split a bottle of rum with you.
112
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:04,430
Then up jumped a baker.
113
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You had to be there.
114
00:18:07,010 --> 00:18:08,530
Said, throw him out, he cried.
115
00:18:08,750 --> 00:18:09,950
He contaminates the air.
116
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:12,910
Those harsh words, friend, the sailor
said.
117
00:18:13,850 --> 00:18:15,170
The baker said, so what?
118
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:19,159
I can't understand.
119
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:20,200
Are you able to be shot?
120
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,400
Are you able to be shot?
121
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:33,280
I
122
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won't
123
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,120
be a second.
124
00:18:48,430 --> 00:18:49,430
Hold it.
125
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:53,910
Then, up jumped a soldier. I said, this
ain't no time to fight.
126
00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:57,010
Then he said, you're right.
127
00:18:59,570 --> 00:19:01,270
And the banker said, well, all right.
128
00:19:02,930 --> 00:19:04,650
Then, up jumped a woman.
129
00:19:08,630 --> 00:19:13,050
And stared at the tram. His goodness,
his fancy crab of fright.
130
00:19:13,290 --> 00:19:14,910
And her face went white.
131
00:19:15,810 --> 00:19:16,810
Who's Sam?
132
00:19:17,610 --> 00:19:18,610
A farmer said.
133
00:19:21,170 --> 00:19:22,930
The tramp, where's the tramp?
134
00:19:24,350 --> 00:19:28,390
Replied, I'm Sammy Clyde and I paint a
woman as my promised bride.
135
00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,430
Lutz, don't make me laugh.
136
00:19:30,850 --> 00:19:32,110
No, don't make me laugh.
137
00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:39,290
The tramp, the farmer said, you cannot
wait that long.
138
00:19:44,170 --> 00:19:46,110
Why not? Replied the tramp.
139
00:19:47,470 --> 00:19:48,590
We never were divorced.
140
00:19:49,630 --> 00:19:50,630
It's a lie.
141
00:19:51,970 --> 00:19:53,090
The woman shouted.
142
00:19:54,050 --> 00:19:56,630
It's the truth that Trump yelled out.
143
00:19:57,090 --> 00:19:58,110
Hold everything.
144
00:19:58,590 --> 00:19:59,590
Yes.
145
00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:01,890
Said the soldier.
146
00:20:02,350 --> 00:20:04,490
And the farmer said, ooh.
147
00:20:14,250 --> 00:20:16,150
The pad is a bit, the pad.
148
00:20:19,820 --> 00:20:21,120
I cut my head open and just patted
myself.
149
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,780
You can cut your head wide open like
that.
150
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,960
And the fireman said, I'll kill that
pup.
151
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:32,780
Oh! Ah!
152
00:20:33,620 --> 00:20:35,780
A tough guy, said a pilot.
153
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:40,760
It was so good.
154
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:46,660
The cowboy hit the fireman and the
fireman hit the floor.
155
00:20:46,940 --> 00:20:50,740
He got up... straight away looked at the
woman and said, I was a mug for you to
156
00:20:50,740 --> 00:20:53,980
fall. And then he hit her. My gosh, she
screamed.
157
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:59,120
And then the fight was free for all.
158
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:01,120
Investor Frenchman.
159
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:02,920
A little schoolboy.
160
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:04,880
I don't even know who that is.
161
00:21:08,420 --> 00:21:10,360
Then all of a sudden they heard a
policeman's whistle.
162
00:21:11,380 --> 00:21:12,700
They heard a policeman's whistle.
163
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,980
They heard a policeman's whistle.
164
00:21:16,810 --> 00:21:17,910
He didn't marvellous, eh?
165
00:21:19,190 --> 00:21:20,350
That's all he had to do.
166
00:21:22,110 --> 00:21:23,590
And he's wearing make -up as well.
167
00:21:29,190 --> 00:21:31,690
And a policeman came in, a piss -hole
damn bunch.
168
00:21:31,950 --> 00:21:33,070
Come on, take it.
169
00:21:38,970 --> 00:21:43,770
Ladies and gentlemen, our surprise
guest, Frankie Ball.
170
00:21:59,690 --> 00:22:00,690
Give me the moonlight.
171
00:22:01,250 --> 00:22:02,990
Give me the glow.
172
00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:07,710
I leave the rest to me.
173
00:22:12,990 --> 00:22:19,590
Give me a shady nook by a family room
where no
174
00:22:19,590 --> 00:22:21,930
one else can see.
175
00:22:36,110 --> 00:22:41,850
a bench for two where we can really kill
I'm out
176
00:22:41,850 --> 00:22:46,770
she's gonna be if there's any
177
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,280
from the Metro for too long.
12255
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