All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1975 s01e06 November 19, 1975

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, except that
nothing on this show ever goes right,

Tommy Cooper!

I've got a spinning head.

Thank you, folks. Thank you.

You know,

my wife, she never stops talking.

She's talk, talk, talk, talk all the
time.

I was going along on my motorbike the
other day. She was sitting at the back

me. Still talking.

All the time.

And I was going along in a police car.

stopped me. I said, what have I done? He
said, nothing.

He said, well, I thought I'd like to
tell you your wife fell off three miles

back.

I said, thank goodness for that. I
thought I was going to stone death.

Now, here's a little trick I'd like to
show you now. It's very famous.

Watch this very, very closely.

And when I finish this trick, I don't
want any applause at all.

I want everybody to stand up and sing
for he's a jolly good fellow.

Do you know, I'll give anything if you
sit up there and watch this.

My wife the other day was looking at a
fashion book.

And she pointed to a fur coat. She said,
I want that.

So I cut it out and gave it to her.

Thank you.

I'll tell you what I'll do now. I'll
show you how it's done.

No, that's the wrong way.

What do you need?

There's two hangers.

What do you need? There's two hangers.
One yellow and one red.

See? Now then.

What you do...

Do you see me pick that up?

I'm not afraid of work.

Now, before you start the trick, before
you start the trick, you see, you put

the red one in your hand first.

But you don't let anyone see you do
this. You do this quietly, secretly,

the bed.

Just there like that, you see. You keep
it there all the time.

My back's killing me.

I'll straighten my back. I have.

I was playing piggyback, my little boy,
and I fell off.

You put the red haggis in there, you
see, and you keep it there all the time.

Then you put the yellow one on top, the
red one, which you know is already

there. But keep this hand closed all the
time, otherwise they'll see the red

haggis. Keep it closed all the time, you
see.

Now you put the yellow handkerchief on
top of the red one, which you know is

already there.

Here's a little tip. Don't do this.
Don't show a bit of yellow and a bit of

Because if you do that, you give the
game away. They know that you've got two

handkerchiefs. So you must make sure you
put the yellow one well down in the

hand first, like that.

Well down in the hand first. See, like
that.

Keep it closed, otherwise this time
they'll see the yellow one. Keep it

all the time.

Thank you.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

And there'll be more from the great man
himself a little later in the show. But

right now, ladies and gentlemen, it's
time to meet that lovely little Gemini,

the lovely Lindsay DePaul.

Yeah.

You're there.

I'm here.

You peeked up on me and caught me
unawares. I haven't touched your

I think you're a very cheeky girl. What
are you going to do for us today? One of

your own compositions again? Yes, and
it's called Season to Season. A little

thing you just ran up.

Let's hear it.

we don't look up and down that same old
street

looking back in history a page can be
turned

When a flower...

When I try and find you, you're not
there

And now, the grand fakir, Abdul M. Vir,
will pass the final test in

the Brahma faith.

Transcending his mind and body into the
twelfth plane of Brahma, he will walk

the hot coals.

Shove off, I'm on a pitch.

Yeah, I know that, Mr. Bryce.

Mr. Bryce, why nab one when you can nab
them all?

What was that?

Well, I mean, for a little
consideration.

I'll hear it first, then I'll consider.

Oh. Well, see, Mr. Bryce, I happen to
know that the Wine Tasters Club is in a

pub. They've been at it all day, drunk
as lords they are.

As soon as they come out, you can nick
every single one of them as they go to

drive off.

Yeah, I already know that. That's why
I'm here.

You don't know at all. You're just
saying that so you don't have to give me

money. You're always like this.

You're always getting the wrong side of
me.

You're dead right. I'm downwind again.

Oh,

come on.

Mr. Bryce, please. I'm starting to...
Look at the state of my trousers.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you something, Sneaky.

There's an old saying.

that the patch in the seat of a
gentleman's trousers is not necessarily

window to his soul.

But in your case, it is.

Look, here you are.

Hmm? Now, shall I... Oh, thank you,
Mr... Now, here. Yes, please.

Don't spend it all in the betting shop.

No.

Spend it on something you've never had
before.

Like what, Mr. Bryce?

Soap.

I'm shaking in the rain.

It isn't, is it?

Oh, yes, it is.

I have reason to believe that you have
been drinking, sir.

What?

Why? How did you come to that? I mean,
wait.

Well, how could you tell?

Well, we have our little ways, sir. We
have our little ways.

Do you know there was a gentleman very
similar to you only last night, sir.

He was lying floating his face on
someone's lawn with his arms stretched

out like that, grabbing at the grass,
shouting, fetch a ladder quick.

Did you bring him one?

Oh, no,

no, no. We just let him hang there all
night, sir.

Look, you see this yellow... Do you
mind, sir?

You see the yellow line down the road
here? Would you mind walking along it

me, sir?

Walking along there? Yes, please, sir.

Along there?

Right along there, sir.

No, well, there's a safe in there. I
don't. Oh, I see.

I'll just try. I'll just try.

It was a very brave try, wasn't it, sir?

I just wonder... Would you mind saying
this for me, sir?

Excuse me, sir, do you mind?

Come on, sir.

Six steel -rimmed twin -screw cruisers.

Six twin -screw... Six steel -rimmed
twin -screw cruisers. You just have a

little practice.

Six tin -screwed -up cruisers.

I'm singing in the rain.

I'm happy again.

Because I'm singing in the rain.

You could make it five, couldn't you?

No, I'm sorry. Six steel rim twin screw
screws. Two screen rims.

Six. twin -stooled, screwed -up cronies.

Stretch! Stretch!

Well, make up your mind.

Doesn't matter anyway.

Would you like to blow into this, sir?

What is it?

It's a trumpet. Perhaps you could play
us a little tune.

There's no music coming from it.

Well, just one more time. Perhaps you
could blow a little louder this time.

Much better, isn't it?

Yes, that's as good as Louis Armstrong.

Do you mind?

Just have a look.

It's normal.

Now, look, are you drunk or aren't you?
Of course not.

And I don't like your tone of voice,
officer.

What was all that staggering about?

Well, there's no law against staggering.

What?

If I were to stagger, I stagger.

If I were to walk straight, I walk
straight. But if I were to stagger like

this... I won't stagger in like that.
Oh, I see. I'm singing in the rain.

And I suppose all that slurred speech
was the same, was it? Yes. If I want to

say, Twins, Scrooge, Scrooges, I do it.

Or I say, Six steel -rimmed twins,
Scrooge, Scrooges.

I see.

Look.

I happen to know there's a room full of
wine tasters in there who've been at it

all day.

And yet you come out of there stone cold
sober, pretending to be drunk. Now, why

is that, sir, please? I'll tell you the
reason why that is. What is it? I'll

tell you.

Because I'm a decoy.

So the rest will get away.

A decoy? Yes.

Well, it's funny you should say that,
sir.

So am I.

Thank you very much. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen, and welcome once

to Fez to Fez.

Once again, tonight, we probe Tommy's
articulate... Excuse me, David.

Can I take a photograph for my
scrapbook?

Tommy, I've just started the interview,
actually.

Well, it's only for my scrapbook. It's
very kind of you, but I... If it's not

any good, I'll scrap it.

Very kind of you, but I do have one or
two rather serious questions that I'd

like to ask you tonight, basically on
the correlation of comedy...

Will you please stop taking photographs
of you and me?

I'll do it. I've got a flash camera.
Look, I'm not going to do it. I want to

you a very, very serious question. I
want to ask you this. Do you think that

every comedian, there is a Hamlet
struggling to get out? I mean, for

would rather like to be a comedian.

Pardon?

I said, as an actor, basically, I'd
really rather like to be a comedian.

Oh, really?

Yes. I mean, I have got a couple of
funny ones up my sleeve.

That's a funny twist there, I like that.

A fella with funny elbows up his sleeve.

You've got funny elbows up here, funny
elbows. No, no, no, not elbows, I mean

jokes.

Oh, really? Yes, and I'd rather like to
tell one of my jokes tonight, and then I

thought, as a comedian, you could show
me perhaps a little Shakespeare.

All right, I'll do that now, I'll show
you a little Shakespeare now. Right. All

right? Yeah, how's that look?

You like it?

Oh, I'd rather like that. Can I take a
photograph while you're laughing? No,

no.

Now, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
No, no.

I'm going to tell one of my jokes.

And mind you, actually, I'm a little bit
strange to this, so maybe you could

help me with a laugh.

Excuse me. I haven't started yet. Oh.
No, no.

I think I should tell this joke. The
other day, you see, I painted my house

it cost me a thousand pounds.

I haven't finished it yet.

Oh.

I was laughing about your funny elbows.

Got funny elbows up your sleeve. Look,
there is nothing funny about my elbows.

Well, why are they covered up, then? You
must have funny elbows. I have not

got... I have had very, very nice
remarks about my elbows. There's nothing

about them at all. I think they're
funny. I'm sure they must be funny.

once and for all, look, have a flash.
Look, I have not got funny elbows,

Oh, he's right. He's right.

Not a ripple.

He's right.

I don't know what it is. You've got
funny knees.

I haven't got funny knees. You've got
funny, knobbly knees.

People... People have gone mad about my
knees. They are not funny. You've got

funny knobby knees, I tell you that.
Once and for all, I have not got funny

knees.

Now, I haven't got funny elbows. I
haven't got funny knees. What else can I

Say cheese.

Cheese?