All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1975 s01e03 October 29, 1975

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper.

And now, without any more ado, let's
meet the man himself. Here he is, Tommy

Cooper.

Thank you.

Well done, the audience.

I'll do the full act tonight. I won't
cut anything.

Well, I just received a letter from Bill
Bailey, and he's not coming home.

I always say, do as you others, but do
it fast.

Now, there's the very famous Venetian
candle.

Watch very, very closely.

Do you know what? My wife smokes in bed.

She does. A friend of mine said, well, a
lot of wives smoke in bed.

I don't want face down.

I

was

surprised at my parents.

I was. They put me on their doorstep.
They expected a lot of milk.

My wife said to me, do you mind if I
wear my hair in a bun?

I said, I don't care if you wear it or
not for bread.

What's this?

And she's always on a diet, my wife,
always on a diet.

She's on a diet now. Eats nothing but
coconuts and bananas all day long.

Coconuts and bananas.

She hasn't lost any weight. Well, you
want to see her climb trees?

That is a candle.

That's been a wonderful summer.

Do you know, it's amazing what people
do.

Somebody rang my wife and said, do you
know, I saw your husband on the beach

with a blonde on his arm.

And my wife said, what do you expect at
his age on his arm? A bucket of spade?

The very famous Charlie's Lincoln Rings.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

One, two, three, four, five, six. One,
two, three, four, five, six.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

My father used to do this trick.

He was a great magician.

You'll know his name in a minute, I tell
you.

It was on the tip of my tongue, isn't
it?

Big man, he was just like me.

Didn't have hair on his chest.

Twigs.

Uh -huh.

a little shake and they drop apart in
front of your very eyes.

A little shake.

No, it's mine. Do you want to buy it?

Do you want to buy it? Yeah.

How much?

Two quid.

What is it?

I knew what it was. I charge you five
quid.

I know I'd like to do something.

There was the king of the jungle, see?

He's not the king of the jungle, the
lion.

And one day he woke up with a very bad
temper.

And he said to himself, I've just got to
go outside now and teach them all who's

the king of the jungle.

Just to teach them.

So he gets up and he goes... He was
really mad, you know what I mean?

Always on a Thursday.

And he saw a little chimp. He said, you,
who's the king of the jungle? He said,

you, you, you.

You're the king of the jungle.

Well, that's all right.

All right.

And he walked along a bit more.

And he came across a laughing hyena.

And he said, hey, you laughing boy.

And he went, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

He's the king of the jungle. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, oh.

Ha, ha, ha. Oh, oh. You are, you are,
you are.

So he walked on a little bit further.

And right at the very end was an
elephant and a gorilla talking.

And this gorilla looked at the elephant.
He said, all right, here he comes,

Jumbo.

He said, he's going to do that King of
the Jungle bit again.

He always does it.

He said, I'm not going to sit around.
I'm not going to stand here anymore. He

said, I'm going to leave you.

He said, I'll be right up a tree.

He said, I'll give you a trunk call
later.

Ripple, ripple, ripple.

So he went up to this elephant and he
said, Hey, you!

He said, I'm talking to you, big ears.

He said, who's the king of the jungle?

And this elephant got his trunk and
wrapped right round him and threw him up

the air.

And as he was up in the air, coming
down, he was going, who's the king of

jungle? Who's the king of the jungle?
And he hit the ground, bang, and he

him up again, threw him against the
tree.

That's the other one, then the other
one, then the other one, then the other

one. And he sank to the ground like
that.

It may be like that, no it's not.

And he said to the elephant, look, it's
no good getting mad just because you

don't know the answer.

Absolutely incredible.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, with one
of her own compositions, a little thing

which she just ran up herself, a little
bit of reggae man. Here is the lovely

Lindsay DePaul.

If you're hungry

for love, I've got the food.

If you're hungry for love, here's what
to do.

You can call me.

And take me away.

I've got a full menu any time of the
day. If you want something hot,

like chili.

Ladies and gentlemen, is a floor
manager.

Now, his job is to stage the performers
in front of the cameras, but above all,

his job is to make them feel nice and
relaxed. Right, Kenny? Absolutely right.

Lovely. Indeed. Thank you, David.

Thank you. Quiet!

Next act, Magical Cooper, he does the
impossible.

Is Magical Cooper here?

Magical Cooper.

Magical Cooper.

Let's hold it up.

Magical Cooper?

Yes? Oh, it's you.

Yes.

This is it, Robbie.

Yes, this is what we've got.

Okay, carry on. Right.

A taxon walked into your bar, you see.

Okay, I'll tell him. I'll tell him. No
hat.

No hat?

No hat.

Well, it helps a joke.

No, but it shadows the face.

Elbow the hat.

All right. Okay.

What's that?

So this text walks into... What's that?
What's that? What's that?

It's a hat.

You said elbow the hat, you said. Yes,
but I don't mean put your elbow in the

hat, do I?

I'm here to help you. Right, shall I
then? Get on with the joke.

Right. Well, this text had walked into
my eyes, see?

Without a hat.

And he had a big, big nose.

And when I say a big, big nose, it was a
big, big nose. Hold it. Right.

Hold it.

Yes.

Yes.

Is that in the joke?

No, I said he had a big, big nose.

And you've got to hold it.

We haven't got time to ad -lib, lovely.

Just do the joke. Right. Just the joke.

All right? Yes, all right. Go.

So he walked into the bar with a big,
big nose.

And he put his foot on the foot rail.
Camera two.

Camera two. He put his foot... Camera
three. Camera three. He put his foot on

the foot rail.

Hi, camera.

Hi, camera.

Back to one. Back to one. He put his
foot on the foot rail.

Do you know this joke or not? Yes, well,
I'm trying to tell it. I know, I'm

trying to tell it.

He keeps walking all over the...

Just, it's not. It's not for you, but I
don't know what else is going on all the

time like that.

How would you like to keep doing that
all the time? Don't worry.

Don't worry, son, it happens to them
all.

Just do the joke.

You still there? Yes, I'm here, I'm
here.

All right, I'll do the joke. Right, do
the joke. So, he walked in... Try it

here.

So the Texan... Too much light here,
Robbie.

Yes, carry on with the joke. And he said
it to the barmaid, see?

Yes. Too much glare here, I think. Carry
on with the joke, the joke.

So he said to the barmaid... I can stick
a lamp up here.

I can stick a lamp up here. No, he
didn't say that.

What did you say it for, then? Well, I
never said it before. I don't know why I

said it.

Look, let's try and get it right. So,
look, just keep on these marks. Yes.

Don't move off the mark. Right.

I'm here to help. Right.

Do the joke!

Oh!

Well, this text had walked into the bar,
you see.

And he said to the barmaid, can I stick
my big nose up on your barrails?

Without moving off the mark.

Hold it, hold it.

I've got all the pieces, I don't know
what I'm talking about now.

You'll have to make a cut in this joke.

Well, I've got the pieces, I've got the
pieces. Well, just get to the end. What

do you do at the end?

All right, I'll get to the end.

Get to the end. I walk on?

Yeah. I walk on? Yes.

All right, give me time. Well, you're
on.

Did you just say cut the joke? Yes. All
right, I'll cut it. I'll walk off this

scene and I'll say, now I'm going to do
the impossible, which has never been

done on television before.

Great, what's impossible?

Trying to do this fleeting joke.

Thank you very much indeed, and welcome
back. You know, they say that when you

go away on holiday, it takes two or
three days to relax and unwind, right?

for a businessman, sometimes it takes
even longer. In fact, one wonders, when

businessman goes on holiday, does he
ever stop thinking about business at

Oh, look at that, son. Make me brown. I
mean, Charlie, my brother -in -law, he's

looked after the business.

It was my first holiday for 25 years.

Charlie looked after the business for a
change.

Oh, that son.

I'm going to look after the business.

I must start running mad. He's an idiot.

An idiot! That's what he is. Fancy me.
What a fool I am. I'm a fool to myself.

Let me look after the business.

I'm going to get back.

I'm going to go home. I'm going home.

I'm going to get back. Straight away.
I'm going back.

No, he's all right.

No, Charlie's all right.

Of course he's all right.

He said he had phoned, didn't he?

There's the phone. He said he had
phoned.

There's the phone there. He said he had
phoned. He was in trouble.

He did, didn't he? Yes, he did.

Well, relax.

I am. I'm going to.

So shut up, then. All right, I will shut
up.

I'm just going to enjoy myself.

I really am.

I've forgotten how to enjoy myself.
That's my trouble. I've forgotten how to

enjoy myself.

But I'm going to enjoy myself, I'll tell
you that.

While I'm enjoying myself,

I think I'll take a photograph of
myself.

Yes, do that. I will.

Play some music.

Oh, shut up.

I'm going to enjoy myself, I am.

And the doctor said to me, you've got to
relax.

That's what he said. And what else did
he say?

50 pounds. That's what I said.

50 pounds.

Just to relax.

I think I'll walk up and down a bit.

I'll smoke a cigar at the same time.

I'll walk up and down a bit.

I'm determined to enjoy myself.

I think I'll read the paper as well.

What's that? Mass unemployment.

Famous people forced to take jobs
abroad.

What are they trying to do? Make me feel
guilty?

Look, everywhere there's, look, famous
people forced to seek odd jobs abroad,

look.

Don't believe all you read in the paper,
mate.

Suck the blood!

Right, just remember, I've forgotten to
put the garlic in my soufflé.

It wasn't, was it?

If I rule the world... No, it wasn't.

Oh, yes, it was.

I'll take his advice. I won't read the
paper. It's always bad news.

I'll sit down and enjoy myself. There is
a call from London, Mr. Cooper.

A call from London?

Oh, it's Charlie. He's in trouble.

I'll take it on here.

Say, Charlie... Oh, why is there a bit
of props there? What's the matter with

you?

Hello?

Charlie? In trouble?

No? Oh, good.

I'm very pleased by that, Charlie.

How's business?

Great? Oh, lovely.

Oh, that's fine.

Another big deal yesterday?

Oh, lovely.

Oh, that's fine.

You don't need me home then?

No? Oh, good.

I could stay another week.

Oh, lovely.

All right, Charlie.

I could stay another week.

Good evening, Tom. Hello, David. And
good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

once again to Fez to Fez, a probing
searchlight into the creative matrix of

genius.

Now, Tommy, would you agree that the
quintessential element of comedy is,

as Bergson says, l 'amour propre du
maladroit?

Who's this? A tournament.

Maybe I should translate.

La mort propre du maladroit means that
the funny people are those who are out

step with life. Or maybe you'd agree
with Baudelaire, who says there's no

in a practical demonstration.

An Indian looking for his squaw.

Or could you put it another way? Yeah, I
could put it another way.

Mickey Mouse looking for his other ear.

Put it another way.

Put it another way. Would you say that
there is one common ingredient in all

human comedy, and would you attempt an
analysis?

I'll have a go at it, of course.

Ah, good. Well, then we agree. We agree
that risibility is incorporated in

social modes which could easily vanish.

Yes, just like this spoon. Vanish!

There is another saying that the visual
element is an important ingredient in

all comedy. Can you recall it? Yeah,
I'll try to bring it back.

May I say adieu?

Remember Patty News?

He's still alive.

Tommy, may I say thank you very much.
And may I say it's been a refreshing

change to have a really intelligent
conversation with you. Thank you very

Thank you.