All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1973 s01e06 Vince Hill - October 2, 1974

and gentlemen, the Tommy Cooper Hour!

With his special guests, Irene Shearer,
the Black Theatre

of Prague,

Georgie Fane,

In person, your host and star, Tommy
Cooper.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I've locked it. I can't get out.

I've locked in.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

What are you doing?

You're supposed to be an entrant.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Cooper!

Oh.

I went there with somebody else.

There's a little trick I'd like to show
you now, which I picked up. I don't know

who dropped it.

Did a trick now with a piece of rope.

But we watched very, very closely.

And, uh...

What?

What do you mean, come off? I just come
on.

Now with a quick flick of the rope.

I had to tie a knot at the bottom of the
rope.

Just a little flick.

And my teeth hit.

Just a little flick.

And a big knot appears at the bottom.

What's that?

A lot of people can't do this.

Look, I'll show you what the knot looks
like. It looks like that.

Stop

hanging

about and get dressed.

I was walking with him the other night,
and a man came out from the doorway.

And he said, have you seen the policeman
around here? I said, no, he's a

stickamon.

There's a man rowing down the street
like that.

Not like that, like that.

And a policeman stops him.

Well, he would, wouldn't he?

He said, what are you doing? He said,
I'm rowing. He said, you haven't got a

boat? He said, I haven't. Oh, dear, oh,
dear.

As a cloud that flows through hills and
hills.

this. I said, look at this deer. I
always call her deer.

She's got antlers sticking out from her
head.

No, I'm only joking. I've got the best
wife in England.

The other one's an African.

said to his wife wife he said and she
said yes purse

she used to call him purse just like
that purse i don't know why his name is

fred and he said do you know there's a
snail on the front doorstep and she said

did you kill it he said no it got away

I want you to watch me very closely.

There's nothing in my hand.

Even my elbows are empty.

That's funny, isn't it?

Did you kill it? No, it got away.

Do you know, I laugh at myself sick
sometimes when I think of that.

That one.

I do, and it's terrible.

Laughing and being sick at the same
time.

There's nothing but he can do it.

Don't be miserable.

Would you, sir, think of any number you
like between 1 and 30?

Have you thought of one, sir?

Yes. Right. Now, this is mine of a
matter.

If you don't mind, I don't matter.

This is the form of hypnotism.

And they say that hypnotism is from the
mind. Well, it's not. It's from the

hips.

Think of that number all the time, sir.
Think of it all the time.

And I won't influence you in any way at
all.

24, 24, 24, 24, 24, 24.

You've never said 24?

No.

I told you not to tell me, didn't I?

Well, would you believe it or not, sir,
inside here I've got an envelope with a

sealed... It's completely sealed. Inside
is a number.

Now, what was your number, sir? Be
honest. 17.

17. And here's the sealed envelope
inside here with a number.

Oh, there's a monkey here somewhere.
Sort out yourself.

All right, all right, all right.

Besides the lakes, beneath the trees,
fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

I'll do a quick impression now.

You know, sometimes when you see these
men on board a ship, aircraft carriers,

and they call them batmen, you see,
because they bring the planes in like

onto the aircraft carrier.

You see them, don't you? They guide them
in, like that, you see.

You have my impression now of one of
these men on his aircraft carriers,

the planes in, and he's had too much to
drink.

Time to announce your first guest, Tom.

God, it's not Tuesday already, is it?
Well, you were particularly... How time

flies. It does.

You were particularly proud of our first
act.

Oh, you're quite right. Ladies and
gentlemen, it is with great pleasure to

present to you the black and white
minstrels.

Correction. Correction. The black threat
of Prague.

The black threat of Prague.

Only it isn't them yet.

Oh, it is not them.

It's Irene Scheer. Irene Scheer. That.
That.

Till you sign me down

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to
present to you Percy and his performing

dogs from Clapham.

Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it!

What's wrong?

No performing dogs in my script.

Oh, well, you see, this is Percy. He
owed me some money, you see. Yes.

And he couldn't pay me, so he gave me
his dog act.

Have you ever seen these dogs before?

No, but I know their names personally.

Well, thank heavens for that. Yes,
always. I know the names. There's Bonzo.

goes through that, too. See? Yeah. Right
through there like that. And there's

Prince and Duke. They rub up there like
that. And down there. Marvelous. Takes

the boards. It's two of them. I haven't
done it again. Yes.

And the other three like that do flips
like that.

Terrific. And Henry. Henry. Fantastic.

Yes. What's he doing? He adds that sum
together.

Gets the total.

He does?

Yes. And then we skip together.

Good. This I have to see. Can I announce
them?

Certainly. Ladies and gentlemen, Percy's
performing dog.

From Clapham.

What are you talking about?

Who said Henry was a dog?

I'll do the son. All right, then.

Extras wanted.

Revival of a 1940s musical.

Apply Globe Theatre.

I'll do that.

The times have never let me down.

Have you seen yourself lately?

Some of them must have let you down.

Shut up.

Shut up, I said.

Don't you talk to me like that. I'll
talk to you any way I want.

I'm sick of you.

And I'm sick of you.

I'm so sick of him.

Do you want to make something out of it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got no time to argue with you.

I'm off for a job in a musical.

So am I.

Don't you pinch my job.

It's the first one who gets there first,
isn't it?

Are you ready? Let's go.

What's the matter with you? What are you
doing?

Let's take it from the top.

Oh, not again, honey.

Look, sweetheart, it's not your... I'm
not blaming you.

It's not your fault.

If some idiot can't open the door on a
cue... What are you talking to me for

like that? Again.

Take it from the top, darling.

Right spot.

Lovely work, Charlie.

Sir Ronnie.

Come on along and listen to

Wait, baby.

That kill the stars, the noise that
hurts the mind.

The smoking fingers of a million cars
come leaving the city.

And the walls have glassed. I'm leaving
the city behind.

The change of clothes, that's all right.

I believe in traveling light.

I'll take...

A change of clothes, that's all I ask. A
leave and

travel.

I'll take a train that's saving fat.

And I'll be there by tonight.

Leaving the clocks that make you leave.
A life that

rots.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's it. G -V -G -G -G -Vogue.
Woo!

Tommy Cooper, top ten time.

And we bring you the pick of discs from
the fab fifties. Swingin' sixties. And

the strike -ridden seventies. And even
some from the eighties. Including the

fabulational. Tune that changed the
course of modern history.

The Tom Jones classic, Delilah.

is dilly -dilly -dum.

Ask Tom Jones.

One, two, three.

I saw the light on the night as I passed

by her window.

I saw the flickering

Well, I can't understand that.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's me. Of love on her
blind.

We're a bit late in time. I'm sorry.

She's not better now. I mean, a joke's a
joke, isn't it?

I mean, it's not fair, is it? I mean, I
would play it a bit soon.

I'm sorry.

She was...

deceived me, I watched.

And frankly,

And she opened the door.

A poem called Black Theatre of Prague is
our next guest, Tom.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to a
further chapter in the fabulous life

story of Tommy Cooper. And here he is,
Tommy Cooper.

Lots of show business people nowadays
seem to be writing their

telling all the intimate details.

Have you ever thought of writing a book?

Well, it's funny you said that.

Because I promised myself when I came
out of the army I would write a book.

didn't you? I joined the Navy.

I'm sorry I asked that.

Now, we've been lucky to get from
Somerset House your family tree.

And here it is.

But there is... There's something rather
strange about it. You see, there's

hardly anybody on that side. They all
seem to be on this side.

Now, what do you suppose is the reason
for that?

Pardon?

Hardly anybody over there. Everybody
over here. Why?

Well, I think the people were so busy
watching people on the other side, they

forgot to get on with it.

I suppose all those relatives have been
authenticated.

Well, that could be another reason.

Now, your grandfather married a
Priscilla Coleman.

Yes, sir.

I find it very difficult to find any
trace of Coleman -likeness in your

I mean, there's your Uncle Hector, for
instance.

And Aunt Clara.

All very much Coleman. I mean, Coopers,
wouldn't you say? Yes.

Then, of course, there is your cousin
George.

Now, he seems to be one of the comers.

Well, it's funny you say that, because
all the neighbours thought he was one of

the milk ones.

Now, who's this?

Treacle Brain Cooper.

Ah, yes, Treacle Brain. He did a lot of
work for the church.

Well, that's unusual these days.

Well, not really. He was a vicar.

And I shall never forget his last
sermon.

for the church? Well, that's a question
easily answered.

Yes? What was the question?

Well, did he make a lot of money for the
church?

Well, you'd take last Wednesday.

Yes. You'd take anything, wouldn't you?

Well, he's on this train, you see, and
he got involved in a poker game. Oh,

dear.

And I'll bet five.

I'll raise, yep.

You're ten.

Raise five.

Up to you, mate.

Oh, uh, sorry, Vicar. Just a little game
of poker.

No, no, relax, relax.

Because I don't call poker gambling.

You don't? Oh, I shouldn't call it
gambling when it's already called poker.

You're not playing for money, are you?

I hope that represents matches.

Exactly, that's it.

Would you care to sit in, Vicar?

No, thank you, because I only played one
game once, Bazik.

But I didn't play it very often.

Bazik? How do you play that?

I don't know, that's why I didn't play
it very often.

Do you mind if I watch? No, no, be our
guest. Oh, thank you.

me, wasn't you?

You were making me laugh, weren't you?

Well, it parted the time.

With a hand like that, you should have
passed ages ago.

What do you think of this hand, Vicar?

Oh, yes.

Go forth, be fruitful, and multiply.

I'll bet 20.

Do you think I should have changed one?

Remember, my son, it's easier for a
camel to go through an eye of a needle.

Then that's an odd one for a full house.

Thank you, Vicar.

That case, 20.

Vicar, what about these?

Lord Novus Pobus.

What's that mean?

I don't know.

Go on. What's that mean? You've got to
code, eh? You've got to code.

Oh, raise 20.

Have faith, my son.

I'll see you.

I'll see you. I'll see you. Run.

Only four aces, I'm afraid.

Only four aces? Only four aces? We'll be
sitting here all night long. I'm not a

beggar. What?

See, I told you it worked, didn't I?

Yes, but really, sir, is this the right
way to make money for the church?

Listen, when you're the vicar, you can
do it your way.

Until now, follow me.

And so we thankfully close another...
With regret, close another chapter in

glamorous life story of Tommy Cooper.

Next day, Tom. Oh, yes.

Now, I'd like you to meet a very old
friend of mine.

As a matter of fact, I didn't know he
was so old.

I need not say any more than Vince. Yes?

What's his other name? Hill. Hill.

Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, an old
friend of mine, Hill Hillvitz.

What good is sitting alone in your room?

Come hear the music play.

Life is a can...

old chum, so won't you come to this
cabaret?

Put down your knitting, the book and the
broom, because it's time for a

holiday.

Oh, life is a cabaret, old chum, so
won't you come to this

cabaret?

Come taste the wine.

Come hear the band.

Come blow your horn and start
celebrating Right this way your table's

What good's permitting some prophet of
doom To wipe every smile

away Life is a cabaret,

old chum Yes, it's a cabaret, old chum

Life is a cabaret

So won't you come to this cabaret?

Maybe this time I'll be lucky.

Maybe this time she'll stay.

Maybe this time for the first time Love
won't

hurry away She will hold me

fast I'll be home at

last Not a loser

anymore like

And the time before Everybody

loves a winner So nobody

loves me Mr. Peaceful

Mr.

Happy That's what I long to be

In my favor, something's bound to

begin.

It's got to happen, happen sometime.

Maybe this time I'll win.

Everybody loves a winner.

peaceful.

Mr. Happy

This time.

See, I was thinking that, you know,
sometimes there's great performers like

Jolson.

Remember Al Jolson?

He used to sing. I mean,

he didn't have a microphone. No
microphones.

None at all.

And he'd get on one knee and sing.

Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it. Oh, man.

So I went.

And people rushed to the back to shout
and say things like, Ow, we can't hear

you.

And the other great performer, the best
of the lot, I think, is still Bing

Crosby.

Don't you?

I'll do it for you.

May I have a spot, please?

I'm over here.

Thank you.

Thank you.

When the blues of the night... ...miss
those

of day... ...some...

When the blue of the night meets the
gold

of the day, someone waits for

me.

Not only... Will you make up your

mind what it will do...