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All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1973 s01e05 Lysney de Paul - September 11, 1974

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:14,420 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tommy Cooper Hour, with his guests 2 00:00:14,740 --> 00:00:20,920 the new vaudeville band, Mark and McNeil, 3 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:24,520 Lindsay DePaul, 4 00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:30,060 and Topo Jesus. 5 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:36,460 And now, here he is himself, our star host, 6 00:01:19,950 --> 00:01:21,410 Thank you. Lovely taste. 7 00:01:30,910 --> 00:01:32,650 Black, brown, orange, pink. 8 00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:21,520 Many times he'd come on the stage and say, this will get a laugh. 9 00:02:24,260 --> 00:02:25,840 This is a funny word, that, isn't it? 10 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:27,920 That. 11 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,880 But no one told me. 12 00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:16,860 They can be fun to if you only see. 13 00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:22,460 There's such a lot of beauty you can live for. 14 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:28,560 You only need someone to open up your eyes. 15 00:13:29,020 --> 00:13:32,120 And you'll open up nothing before. 16 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,940 I see a star. 17 00:13:35,620 --> 00:13:37,580 A brand new star. 18 00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:39,500 It's right. 19 00:13:39,770 --> 00:13:45,750 Twinkling your eyes I see a frame 20 00:13:45,750 --> 00:13:48,270 A happy frame 21 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:46,940 I see a song, a brand new song. 22 00:14:47,580 --> 00:14:51,800 It's right between your eyes. 23 00:14:52,660 --> 00:14:57,400 I see a face, a happy face. 24 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:26,940 Would you like to buy a camera? 25 00:16:27,660 --> 00:16:28,660 Why? You mean this one? 26 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:29,880 Why do you want to sell it? 27 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,620 Well, you see, I met this American in Oxford Street. Do you know him? 28 00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:40,020 And he said to me, if you could sell 601 cameras, you could have one free. 29 00:16:41,220 --> 00:16:42,159 One free what? 30 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:43,380 I don't know. I hope it's not a camera. 31 00:16:44,580 --> 00:16:45,580 I've got four already. 32 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,160 Yes, well, I don't want a camera either. I've got three. Well, I'll tell you 33 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,600 what. I would have a photograph taken together. 34 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:51,860 Just for a snapshot. Photograph? All right. 35 00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:54,260 Where should we stand? Over here? All right. Back. 36 00:16:57,260 --> 00:16:58,260 I'd better adjust it. 37 00:16:58,760 --> 00:16:59,160 Keep 38 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:08,660 smiling. 39 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,660 Do you realize I've got a quick change here? 40 00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:20,079 What is the time switch? 41 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,240 How long till you get a tea? 42 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,440 About six days. 43 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:30,960 I'll just adjust it, all right? All right. Just adjust. All right. 44 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:45,720 That's fine. 45 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,820 Okay. All right. 46 00:17:47,180 --> 00:17:48,180 Here we go. 47 00:17:49,260 --> 00:17:50,260 Keep smiling. 48 00:18:07,660 --> 00:18:08,660 a little adjustment. 49 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,240 I am not mad. 50 00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:14,580 Look, I know more about cameras. Just get out of the way. All right. I'll tell 51 00:18:14,580 --> 00:18:15,119 you what. 52 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,540 I'll take a photograph of you. 53 00:18:16,940 --> 00:18:18,340 That's right. Stand back there. Yes. 54 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,040 And let's have a bit of composition on this. 55 00:18:20,380 --> 00:18:24,220 I see you holding a great big cuddly teddy bear. 56 00:18:26,740 --> 00:18:27,980 Where did you get a teddy bear? 57 00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:29,300 The place that followed us. 58 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,780 That's it. Now, I'll count one, two. 59 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,780 Say one, two, three, go. Kiss the teddy bear on the cheek. 60 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,200 Okay? 61 00:18:54,660 --> 00:18:57,060 One, two, three, go. 62 00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:07,440 That was the wrong cheek. 63 00:19:07,540 --> 00:19:08,540 Now put it down. 64 00:20:14,110 --> 00:20:16,770 Yes, it's G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G 65 00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:18,070 -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E 66 00:20:18,070 --> 00:20:18,490 -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G 67 00:20:18,490 --> 00:20:22,950 -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E 68 00:20:22,950 --> 00:20:25,050 -E -G -E 69 00:20:25,050 --> 00:20:34,670 -G 70 00:20:34,670 --> 00:20:35,990 -E - 71 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:46,440 Shake it up, baby. 72 00:20:51,340 --> 00:20:53,900 Twist and shout. 73 00:20:57,660 --> 00:20:59,960 Twist and shout. 74 00:21:00,820 --> 00:21:06,340 Come on. 75 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:09,400 Come on. Come on. Come on. 76 00:21:24,170 --> 00:21:25,170 Looks so good. 77 00:21:32,470 --> 00:21:34,970 You've got me going now. 78 00:21:40,950 --> 00:21:43,230 Just like I knew I would. 79 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,440 Tom, and they've already been on. 80 00:23:30,020 --> 00:23:31,020 Lindsay DePaul's next. 81 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,480 Oh. We've got three lovely singers for you. 82 00:23:34,660 --> 00:23:36,120 Lindsay DePaul. 83 00:23:37,420 --> 00:23:38,780 Only one singer, Tom. 84 00:23:39,540 --> 00:23:43,020 Just one. Only one. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, Lindsay DePaul couldn't 85 00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:43,779 turn up. 86 00:23:43,780 --> 00:23:46,100 So how about a nice big welcome now to Dee. 87 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:11,520 I'm alone with you And I look in your eyes 88 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:17,860 It's no surprise You've ever 89 00:24:17,860 --> 00:24:24,700 played for me I only want to be Alone 90 00:24:24,700 --> 00:24:25,900 with you 91 00:25:26,860 --> 00:25:29,220 Please won't you let it be 92 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:08,120 numbers may come 93 00:26:43,180 --> 00:26:48,500 Please won't you let it be alone with you, 94 00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:54,660 alone with you, alone. 95 00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:13,400 Situation vacant. 96 00:27:13,980 --> 00:27:17,480 Nuclear... wanted. 97 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,060 I'll take that. 98 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,260 Oi! Yes? 99 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,080 Look at you. 100 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:38,560 Hansel... 101 00:27:45,710 --> 00:27:51,210 You see to such a depth of... You can't even say it. Shut up! 102 00:27:53,390 --> 00:27:54,390 Don't forget all that. 103 00:27:56,530 --> 00:27:58,510 One job after another, you're thrown away. 104 00:27:59,070 --> 00:28:01,470 Take the job last week. A covered garden. 105 00:28:01,910 --> 00:28:02,910 Well, I was there. 106 00:28:03,590 --> 00:28:04,590 I was there. 107 00:28:05,630 --> 00:28:07,670 Ready to put the baskets on my head. 108 00:28:08,270 --> 00:28:09,970 But there wasn't a single basket there. 109 00:28:12,730 --> 00:28:14,050 But you made them all look a... 110 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:15,400 Ask her in the end, did you? 111 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:17,080 What a mess. 112 00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:57,960 Oh, 113 00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:03,720 boy! 114 00:36:16,330 --> 00:36:21,190 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to meet a very lovable puppet, Top Dog. 115 00:36:24,590 --> 00:36:26,950 Top Dog? Oh, I'd do that. 116 00:36:28,190 --> 00:36:29,190 Well, 117 00:36:31,370 --> 00:36:34,370 I'm no fool. I could do that. Ladies and gentlemen, Topo Zizio. 118 00:36:37,910 --> 00:36:38,910 Alan. 119 00:36:42,370 --> 00:36:43,370 Alan! 120 00:36:43,970 --> 00:36:45,310 Yes, Topo Zizio. 121 00:36:47,300 --> 00:36:49,780 Alan, will you help me, please? 122 00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:52,000 Well, of course. What do you want me to do? 123 00:36:53,180 --> 00:36:56,480 Will you hold this for me, please? This? Yes. 124 00:36:58,380 --> 00:37:00,980 Thank you. 125 00:37:01,420 --> 00:37:02,520 What are you going to do? 126 00:37:03,100 --> 00:37:05,680 I'm going to walk the tightrope. 127 00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:07,980 Just like the circus. 128 00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:12,160 Here we go. 129 00:37:15,950 --> 00:37:17,150 Alan. Yes? 130 00:37:17,810 --> 00:37:21,830 Hey, are you holding the rope tight? 131 00:37:22,110 --> 00:37:23,250 Yes, I've got it. Don't worry. 132 00:37:23,570 --> 00:37:24,570 Okay, okay. 133 00:37:32,190 --> 00:37:33,190 Hey, 134 00:37:34,170 --> 00:37:40,710 Alan. Yeah? Hey, tie the rope around your finger just 135 00:37:40,710 --> 00:37:42,290 to make sure. 136 00:37:44,230 --> 00:37:46,510 Well, there we go. No. 137 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:27,740 Oh, you heard Topper. Oh, no. 138 00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:29,440 That is the trick. 139 00:38:29,720 --> 00:38:32,100 To fall so you don't get hurt. 140 00:38:32,420 --> 00:38:34,860 Ah, Alan, I have another trick. 141 00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:38,140 I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me. I've got to go and introduce the next 142 00:38:38,300 --> 00:38:40,060 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Alan. 143 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,240 Look, look. 144 00:38:44,310 --> 00:38:48,190 This is very, very heavy. 145 00:38:49,190 --> 00:38:53,210 Yes, I can see that. It takes great strength. 146 00:39:01,550 --> 00:39:07,930 I fooled you, didn't I? 147 00:39:08,530 --> 00:39:12,370 You thought it was really very, very heavy. 148 00:39:15,820 --> 00:39:19,440 I want to talk to you very seriously. Now, why do you try and do all these 149 00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,560 dangerous circus tricks? What's the reason for that? 150 00:39:21,940 --> 00:39:28,180 Well, the director said, you are so good. 151 00:39:28,900 --> 00:39:35,740 And me, to appear in Tommy Cooper's show, I must be very good, 152 00:39:35,740 --> 00:39:37,620 too. Must I? 153 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:40,020 Well, you are very good, Topo. 154 00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:44,660 Perhaps, perhaps the matter is you are so tall. 155 00:39:45,390 --> 00:39:48,170 Oh. How high are you? 156 00:39:48,610 --> 00:39:49,610 Six feet two. 157 00:39:50,030 --> 00:39:51,510 Six feet two? 158 00:39:51,790 --> 00:39:52,790 Mm -hmm. 159 00:39:52,930 --> 00:39:54,330 Of course. 160 00:39:54,770 --> 00:39:56,610 What have I said? 161 00:39:57,430 --> 00:40:00,210 I'm only seven inches and enough. 162 00:40:01,190 --> 00:40:05,810 When you are small, you always lose. 163 00:40:06,510 --> 00:40:07,510 See? 164 00:40:09,170 --> 00:40:13,490 Won't you know what am I tell you? 165 00:40:18,510 --> 00:40:20,910 You can't just leave me, walk out on the audience like this. 166 00:40:21,730 --> 00:40:27,410 What do you believe? That it's nice to me going around making 167 00:40:27,410 --> 00:40:33,350 fiascos? And the fault is yours because you are tall. 168 00:40:34,010 --> 00:40:38,470 What do you believe? That it's nice to me in emotional... 169 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:50,738 Calm down. 170 00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:53,600 Now, come on. Now, be friends again. Be friends. 171 00:40:56,340 --> 00:40:57,340 Sure. 172 00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:00,580 We are friends. 173 00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:04,400 Alan. 174 00:41:06,260 --> 00:41:07,420 Alan. Yes. 175 00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:13,880 Can I ask you something? 176 00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:15,480 Yes, of course you can. 177 00:41:16,180 --> 00:41:19,140 Alan, before I'm going, 178 00:41:45,340 --> 00:41:50,540 And now ladies and gentlemen we come to the Tommy Cooper story 179 00:41:51,260 --> 00:41:55,220 the definitive autobiography of the famous entertainer. 180 00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:58,680 And here he is in person, Mr. 181 00:41:58,880 --> 00:41:59,880 Thomas Cooper. 182 00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:22,140 finding it a little difficult to piece together all the evidence. 183 00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:29,320 Now, is it entirely true that you were particularly attached to a duck called 184 00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:30,880 Evangeline, Major Paul? 185 00:42:31,300 --> 00:42:33,340 Yes, yes, that's true. I'm glad to hear that. 186 00:42:34,060 --> 00:42:35,060 What's that? 187 00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:36,919 What was that? 188 00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:39,180 That's just part of my past. I used to do that when I was a kid. 189 00:42:39,380 --> 00:42:40,319 Oh, really? 190 00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:41,720 Would you like a quick yo -yo? 191 00:42:42,660 --> 00:42:45,040 No, thank you. I broke myself with the habit. 192 00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:47,360 A yo. 193 00:42:48,260 --> 00:42:49,260 No, no. 194 00:42:50,220 --> 00:42:51,220 No. Oh. 195 00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:56,160 Oh. Now, let's get back to the story, if we can. Mm -hmm. What about your 196 00:42:56,160 --> 00:42:57,160 romantic life? 197 00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:00,340 Well, I was too tall, wasn't I? 198 00:43:00,580 --> 00:43:01,580 Oh, were you? 199 00:43:01,660 --> 00:43:02,660 Yeah, I was too tall. 200 00:43:03,060 --> 00:43:04,060 Yes. 201 00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:05,360 One more time? No, please. 202 00:43:06,760 --> 00:43:09,360 Yeah, I was too tall, you see. Well, I was too tall. Oh. 203 00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:13,220 And so... What did you do? 204 00:43:13,780 --> 00:43:14,960 I'll tell you. Go on. 205 00:43:16,420 --> 00:43:17,660 I went to see the doctor. 206 00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:31,760 nose, it doesn't make sense. 207 00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:36,420 Doctor, I want to lose height. 208 00:43:37,620 --> 00:43:41,180 Weight? No, I don't want weight. I want to lose height. Oh, don't be silly. 209 00:43:41,260 --> 00:43:42,260 Nobody can lose height. 210 00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:50,960 Oh, 211 00:43:51,820 --> 00:43:54,640 it's ridiculous. You can't lose height. Nobody can lose height. 212 00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:56,480 Well, I thought you could be a painkiller. 213 00:43:57,020 --> 00:43:58,700 And tap me on the head lightly every day. 214 00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:04,880 Do you want it privately or on the national health? 215 00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:06,100 Private. 216 00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:09,560 In that case, it's all I want to meet you with. Yes. 217 00:44:10,220 --> 00:44:12,640 Good. Walk down the front of the table. 218 00:44:14,300 --> 00:44:15,820 Just bend your head a little. 219 00:44:17,140 --> 00:44:18,140 Relax. 220 00:44:18,520 --> 00:44:19,820 And brace yourself. 221 00:44:32,750 --> 00:44:34,150 Of course it worked. I'm not a fool, am I? 222 00:44:34,830 --> 00:44:37,170 I mean, boy, just look at that. Look at that. Oh, yes. 223 00:44:43,310 --> 00:44:45,830 Remarkable. But it didn't happen with the girls, you see, so I gave them the 224 00:44:45,830 --> 00:44:46,830 treatment. Oh. 225 00:44:47,070 --> 00:44:50,030 Now, I suppose while you were so tall and they couldn't see your face 226 00:44:50,030 --> 00:44:52,390 distinctly, you stood rather a better chance. 227 00:44:57,350 --> 00:44:58,350 That's funny. 228 00:45:00,110 --> 00:45:01,930 Keep it in when we do the show. Keep it in. 229 00:45:04,310 --> 00:45:07,450 Now, tell me, who was really your first girlfriend? 230 00:45:07,910 --> 00:45:13,150 Well, um, I met her on board ship. Oh, yes. Yes, I was, yes. And, uh, I 231 00:45:13,150 --> 00:45:14,250 to her. Mm -hmm. See? 232 00:45:14,790 --> 00:45:19,630 And, uh, I was on, it was a fancy dress, it was, um, a carnival night. Oh, yes. 233 00:45:20,030 --> 00:45:21,030 And it was a fancy dress. 234 00:45:21,250 --> 00:45:22,670 Mm -hmm. And I was a fairy. 235 00:45:25,210 --> 00:45:26,210 Fancy. 236 00:45:28,010 --> 00:45:29,850 Your daughter's hanging by a thread, you know that, don't you? 237 00:45:36,620 --> 00:45:37,620 It's a joke, isn't it? 238 00:45:38,060 --> 00:45:39,060 Candy, candy. 239 00:45:41,620 --> 00:45:42,479 Just once. 240 00:45:42,480 --> 00:45:43,560 No, no, please, please. 241 00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:45,200 And she was a clown. 242 00:46:41,900 --> 00:46:42,900 It's just a ship's romance. 243 00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:47,080 But there's something I've been going to ask you now for the last two weeks. 244 00:46:50,260 --> 00:46:51,460 You are Maureen, aren't you? 245 00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:53,140 No, I'm Valerie. 246 00:46:55,300 --> 00:46:59,300 Well, you see, what I was going to do, I thought of settling down, you see. 247 00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:05,820 And, uh... What happened to Maureen, then? 248 00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:09,080 Well, I don't know, Maureen. I'm Valerie. 249 00:47:09,460 --> 00:47:10,520 Oh, well, you do. 250 00:47:13,770 --> 00:47:14,629 Not on day. 251 00:47:14,630 --> 00:47:16,170 I think it's much quieter out there. 252 00:47:16,390 --> 00:47:17,390 Yes, moment. 253 00:47:18,850 --> 00:47:19,850 I'll lead the way. 254 00:49:56,110 --> 00:49:58,990 card. Yeah. Any card you like. Yes. Right, look at it. Yes. Chair in half. 255 00:49:59,210 --> 00:50:00,970 Yes. Quickly then. Chair in half. 256 00:50:01,330 --> 00:50:02,950 Yes. Chair it again. Yes. 257 00:50:03,350 --> 00:50:04,269 Chair it once again. 258 00:50:04,270 --> 00:50:07,190 Yes. Yes. Right, throw it in the air. Yes. Happy New Year. 259 00:50:07,450 --> 00:50:08,450 Thank you. 260 00:50:11,270 --> 00:50:12,270 Watch it very closely. 261 00:50:54,860 --> 00:50:58,020 In tonight's program, we've created a twist and start with a people's 262 00:50:58,020 --> 00:51:01,640 competition. It was, in fact, composed by Bert Russell and Phil Mitt. 263 00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:04,480 We apologize to the copyright owners for this effort. 17567