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All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1970 s01e10 April 11, 1970

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:06,350 Excuse me. Have you got sixpence for the phones? 2 00:00:06,730 --> 00:00:09,490 Thank you. 3 00:00:14,210 --> 00:00:15,850 It's Tommy Cooper! 4 00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:46,740 I beg your pardon. Did you see a short, fat ball to the guy wearing a light gray 5 00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:49,620 jacket, dark blue trousers, blue shirt, and a blue striped tie? 6 00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:50,880 No, I haven't. 7 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:52,080 I'm lost. 8 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:59,180 Here's a trick now with some teacher papers. One red and one black. 9 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,440 Roll it into a ball like that. 10 00:01:52,930 --> 00:01:55,470 Excuse me, Buttingen. I'm Brown from The Sun. 11 00:01:55,770 --> 00:01:56,770 Really? 12 00:01:59,570 --> 00:02:00,650 Well, you look dead white to me. 13 00:02:02,370 --> 00:02:04,130 Do you mind if he takes a picture? 14 00:02:04,370 --> 00:02:05,650 Certainly not. Wonderful. Certainly. 15 00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:19,340 You got a piece of rope? Piece of rope, pair of swizzers. I mean, swizzers. 16 00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:31,880 You cut 17 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,280 the rope in half, there's one, two. Two pieces of rope, I place them in the 18 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:35,320 right hand. I squeeze. 19 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,660 And now we have one long, single piece of rope. 20 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,000 I'm a liar. 21 00:03:06,190 --> 00:03:10,270 What are you looking for? My wristwatch. 22 00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:13,010 Where do you lose it? Out in the cloakroom. 23 00:03:14,650 --> 00:03:15,650 Well, what are you looking here for? 24 00:03:15,870 --> 00:03:16,870 There's more light here. 25 00:03:22,490 --> 00:03:23,610 A pack of cards. 26 00:03:23,950 --> 00:03:25,530 I did this very, very closely. 27 00:03:25,810 --> 00:03:28,570 This will take me 15 long years to do this trick. 15 long years. 28 00:03:28,850 --> 00:03:30,430 I shall spread them like that all the way along there. 29 00:03:31,190 --> 00:03:32,410 Like that. And I shall catch them like that. 30 00:03:32,810 --> 00:03:33,810 It looks good. 31 00:03:35,150 --> 00:03:36,190 Fifteen years to take me through this. 32 00:03:37,190 --> 00:03:38,190 All the way on there, like that. 33 00:03:39,730 --> 00:03:41,910 Or it may go that way, I don't know. 34 00:03:46,550 --> 00:03:49,470 I cut up laughing, I know what's coming next. 35 00:03:55,890 --> 00:03:56,890 Fifteen years wasted. 36 00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:12,320 Two handkerchiefs knotted together like that. Empty bag. 37 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:13,880 Right? 38 00:04:14,540 --> 00:04:16,240 I placed a lot of handkerchiefs there like that. 39 00:04:16,899 --> 00:04:17,899 And a gold. 40 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:51,790 Oh, 41 00:04:52,390 --> 00:04:55,970 isn't it wonderful to be among all these beautiful trees in this orchard? 42 00:04:56,010 --> 00:05:00,910 They're so... Look at that lovely big apple tree and that juicy red apple. 43 00:05:08,750 --> 00:05:10,110 What's he talking about, apple tree? 44 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,500 My next trick is impossible. 45 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,120 It was 46 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:54,660 Christmas 47 00:05:54,660 --> 00:05:56,120 Day in the cow shed. 48 00:05:56,420 --> 00:05:59,060 The weather was bitter and cold. 49 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:03,980 and all the cows were frozen. Well, at least I have been told. 50 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:10,760 But the farmer wasn't worried, and without a single word, he took out his 51 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:14,320 blow lamp and began to thaw a herd. 52 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:21,860 I beg your pardon. 53 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,980 You're not supposed to be on yet. It was Christmas Day. 54 00:06:25,540 --> 00:06:30,280 It was Christmas Day by the gas work, and Hank... them, Digby Trent. 55 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,440 Darling, darling, marry me. 56 00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:35,320 I can't, I said. 57 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:36,980 It's lent. 58 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:48,420 It was Christmas Day in the butcher's. 59 00:06:48,860 --> 00:06:51,120 And the lady said, good day. 60 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,220 I want some chops. 61 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,400 But make them lean. 62 00:06:55,780 --> 00:06:56,980 And the butcher said, which way? 63 00:07:02,250 --> 00:07:03,250 What are you doing here, Nora? 64 00:07:05,230 --> 00:07:07,270 Congratulations on the big fight, Henry. 65 00:07:09,850 --> 00:07:14,530 It's just a thing in the workhouse. 66 00:07:15,070 --> 00:07:16,710 Not a pudding waltzing fight. 67 00:07:17,350 --> 00:07:20,550 You ask me what I'm doing here upon your show tonight. 68 00:07:21,950 --> 00:07:23,770 I'm here because of hunger, Tom. 69 00:07:24,230 --> 00:07:27,970 I'm here because I need a crust of bread. 70 00:07:28,630 --> 00:07:29,890 I've got eight kids. 71 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,380 And an agent, too, to feed. 72 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,800 Oh, don't show me pity, Tom, I pray. 73 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,340 But I have got my pride. 74 00:07:39,020 --> 00:07:45,560 Just give me walk to take away the anguish here inside. 75 00:07:46,740 --> 00:07:51,820 My children's faces looking up. Their little voices speak. 76 00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:55,340 Dear mother, as a special... 77 00:08:35,150 --> 00:08:36,390 And now, another great trick. 78 00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:38,049 Would you help me, darling? 79 00:08:38,090 --> 00:08:39,090 Thank you. 80 00:08:41,450 --> 00:08:43,110 Would you sit down there, please? Yep. 81 00:08:48,010 --> 00:08:49,010 Would you help me? 82 00:10:03,430 --> 00:10:04,730 He said, good evening. 83 00:10:07,110 --> 00:10:11,010 What are you doing here? I come to give you a lesson in judo and karate. 84 00:10:11,550 --> 00:10:13,990 Not here, in my dressing room. Oh, this is not your dressing room? 85 00:10:14,230 --> 00:10:15,230 No, it's an orchard. 86 00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:26,449 Boxing, yes. 87 00:10:26,450 --> 00:10:28,310 Because I come from a long line of boxers. Really? 88 00:10:28,550 --> 00:10:30,110 Except my father, he's a cocker spaniel. 89 00:10:33,830 --> 00:10:36,010 I used to box, I used to stand like that. Not for long. 90 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:37,770 Anyway, 91 00:10:37,910 --> 00:10:40,570 what do you know about judo? Oh, I got black belt. 92 00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:43,090 Well, I wear yellow socks, but I don't tell people. 93 00:10:45,670 --> 00:10:48,810 No, but supposing you're attacked by a big, strong man. 94 00:10:49,510 --> 00:10:50,509 What do you do? 95 00:10:50,510 --> 00:10:53,250 I'll fight him off with the strength of ten men. Oh, how do you do that? 96 00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:59,730 No, but supposing ten men attacked you, what would you do? 97 00:11:00,710 --> 00:11:02,110 About 50 miles an hour. 98 00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:08,170 Do you know, I used to know a Japanese expert, judo and karate, only that high, 99 00:11:08,290 --> 00:11:11,850 and he took on ten men all at once, and they were about eight foot high, all at 100 00:11:11,850 --> 00:11:12,990 once, he took them on. What happened? 101 00:11:13,230 --> 00:11:14,230 They murdered him. 102 00:11:15,350 --> 00:11:18,330 Now I give you a demonstration of karate. 103 00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:23,510 from here, a large bowl. 104 00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:57,000 It's interview time. And in our studio this evening, we have with us that 105 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,020 romantic rebel from Sherwood Forest. 106 00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:02,120 Ladies and gentlemen, the legendary Robin Hood. 107 00:13:14,820 --> 00:13:15,739 Robin Hood. 108 00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,020 I'm going to watch this. 109 00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:18,440 Oh, Robin Hood. 110 00:13:20,420 --> 00:13:21,560 Oh, I've got to spit in there. 111 00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:31,860 Place it down. 112 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,700 It's a great pleasure to have you in the studio this evening, and there are many 113 00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,840 interesting questions I'd like to ask you. What 114 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:24,020 was 115 00:14:24,020 --> 00:14:25,300 that? The golden arrow. 116 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,800 I must say, I was rather surprised to see you dressed all in pink. Shouldn't 117 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:30,800 have been in Lincoln green? 118 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,480 Well, I should really. I should, but I've got two reasons why. Oh, yeah? 119 00:14:34,060 --> 00:14:38,260 First, I'm coloured by it. I see. And the second? The second, well, it helps 120 00:14:38,260 --> 00:14:41,620 camouflage. I see. You know, to blend in with the trees. No, but the trees are 121 00:14:41,620 --> 00:14:43,560 green. Not mine. I painted them pink. 122 00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:47,280 Why did you paint them pink? To match the clothes. 123 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,800 Of all your merry men, tell us, who was your favourite? 124 00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:55,399 Will Purple. 125 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:56,980 No, no, no. Surely you mean Will Scarlet. 126 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,280 Told you I was kind of blind. 127 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:04,600 Now... What on earth's that? 128 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:05,920 I mean, staff problems. 129 00:15:12,060 --> 00:15:16,220 Now, Robin, there's another question I'd like to ask you. Yeah, go ahead. 130 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,080 It's very important. Yes, Peter. 131 00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:19,720 Now, I'm going to be frank. 132 00:15:20,060 --> 00:15:21,060 Yes, Frank. 133 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,940 Even my little sister didn't like them. Who was your sister? Little Red Riding 134 00:15:53,940 --> 00:15:54,940 Hood. 135 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,060 You must have had a great food problem living in the forest. I understand you 136 00:15:58,060 --> 00:16:01,340 and your merry men were poachers. Oh, yes, except Tuck. He was a friar. 137 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:07,720 And after you'd been a year in the forest, you and your merry men raided 138 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,700 Sheriff of Nottingham and stole £1 ,000 from him in silver. 139 00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:12,400 Yeah, well, I thought the change would do me good. 140 00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:19,520 But what would you say... What would you say was the most memorable moment of 141 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,370 your life? Well, when I shot an apple from my son's head. No, no, no, that was 142 00:16:22,370 --> 00:16:24,910 William Tell. All right, well, I shot William Tell from my son's head. 143 00:16:27,530 --> 00:16:30,070 Has anything else happened to you that's made you particularly proud? 144 00:16:30,370 --> 00:16:34,470 Yes, when they did a TV series of me with that star, you know, Richard 145 00:16:35,350 --> 00:16:36,630 No, no, no, you mean Richard Green. 146 00:16:36,890 --> 00:16:38,530 I told you, I'm colourblind. No, colourblind. 147 00:16:39,810 --> 00:16:40,810 Now... 148 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,740 What was Maid Marian's reaction when you told her you'd become an outlaw? Oh, 149 00:17:07,740 --> 00:17:08,618 she was amazed. 150 00:17:08,619 --> 00:17:10,920 Was she? Yes, she didn't know whether she was on her head or her heels. How 151 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:11,719 could you tell? 152 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,220 Well, she had her socks pulled over her ears. 153 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,400 What attracted you to Maid Marian, first of all? Well, it was the cute little 154 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,619 way she used to toss her head up in the air and catch it on the way down. 155 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,000 And why did you and Marian never wed? 156 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:27,119 We weren't the marrying kind. 157 00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:32,320 Now, I wonder, sir, if you'd give us a demonstration of your remarkable prowess 158 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:33,199 as an archer. 159 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:34,200 Prowess? Certainly. 160 00:17:34,769 --> 00:17:36,730 Sir, see that bow there? Yes, yes. 161 00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:44,770 I'll carry on. 162 00:17:46,090 --> 00:17:48,050 I've hit a target 200 yards away. 163 00:17:48,330 --> 00:17:49,289 With that arrow? 164 00:17:49,290 --> 00:17:50,750 Yes, because it's 200 yards long. 165 00:17:52,690 --> 00:17:54,870 And, sir, what exactly is that? 166 00:17:55,110 --> 00:17:56,230 Ah, yes, I see it. 167 00:17:58,270 --> 00:18:02,590 It doesn't sound much, does it? No, it doesn't, no. 168 00:18:02,830 --> 00:18:04,750 About two minutes from now, this place will be full of Vikings. 169 00:18:06,030 --> 00:18:09,050 Well, thank you very much for coming along, Robert. You pesky, ornery, 170 00:18:09,050 --> 00:18:10,690 signwinder. I'm taking you to jail. 171 00:18:11,710 --> 00:18:12,930 Just a minute. Who's this? 172 00:18:13,290 --> 00:18:14,290 The Sheriff of Nottingham. 173 00:18:17,690 --> 00:18:19,850 Thank you, and good night, Robert Holmes. 174 00:18:20,930 --> 00:18:21,930 Thank you. 175 00:18:23,490 --> 00:18:26,450 Isn't that a trick now? You may not see. Look, two pieces of paper like that. 176 00:18:26,570 --> 00:18:27,570 And roll them to hand like that. 177 00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:32,460 Oh, Julie. 178 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,840 Michelle, you. 179 00:21:02,730 --> 00:21:04,210 I thought they, uh, sank the Titanic. 180 00:21:08,170 --> 00:21:11,610 When you stop making with the fat jokes, Tommy, it's me. I'm happy to tell you 181 00:21:11,610 --> 00:21:12,610 I've lost six stone. 182 00:21:12,630 --> 00:21:15,150 Really? Yep. That's enough to make another Ronnie Corbett. 183 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:19,830 Anyway, how do you lose so much weight? 184 00:21:20,130 --> 00:21:21,310 Willpower. I gave up breakfast. 185 00:21:22,010 --> 00:21:23,570 Really? When? This morning. 186 00:21:24,570 --> 00:21:27,690 And I must say, you look marvellous. Well, well, Tommy, you look sensational. 187 00:21:28,090 --> 00:21:29,110 And you look really handsome. 188 00:21:29,370 --> 00:21:30,370 So are you. 189 00:21:30,530 --> 00:21:31,530 Who said we couldn't act? 190 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,660 Listen, kid in the side, I want to tell you, it's a lot of fun to be with you. 191 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,540 And even though I, you know, I don't care if I get paid or not, I'm here as a 192 00:21:38,540 --> 00:21:40,020 friend. Ah, that's nice. 193 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:41,360 Very nice. Very nice. 194 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,240 Because you're not getting paid. 195 00:21:43,700 --> 00:21:44,700 So long, stranger. 196 00:21:44,980 --> 00:21:45,980 No, just a minute, sir. 197 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,780 Listen, Tommy, it just so happens that I have a very nice orchestration here all 198 00:21:49,780 --> 00:21:51,460 written out. You and I are going to sing it together. 199 00:21:51,740 --> 00:21:54,980 It's a little duet. You sing wherever it's marked, Tommy. Okay, Bob. 200 00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:02,860 The night is young, the skies are clear, and if you want to go walking, dear, 201 00:22:03,060 --> 00:22:06,520 it's delightful, it's delicious, it's de -lovely. 202 00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:13,480 I understand the reason why you're sentimental, well, so am I. It's 203 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,320 it's delicious, it's de -lovely. 204 00:22:17,060 --> 00:22:23,160 You can't tell at a glance what a swell night this is for romance. You can hear 205 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,320 dear mother nature murmuring low. 206 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:31,660 Let self -goat hope please be sweet, my chickadee. When I kiss you, just say to 207 00:22:31,660 --> 00:22:37,040 me, it's delightful, it's delicious, it's delectable, it's delirious, it's 208 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,920 dilemma, it's delimit, it's deluxe, it's delightful. 209 00:22:56,140 --> 00:22:57,140 Tissue paper. 210 00:23:12,220 --> 00:23:14,660 Look at that, strong oil. 211 00:23:53,900 --> 00:23:54,900 Oh. 15922