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All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1970 s01e09 April 4, 1970

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,499 --> 00:00:20,180 I'm sorry, sir. I think you need a size larger. 2 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,020 It's Tommy Cooper! 3 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,340 Thank you very much. Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. 4 00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:43,900 Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. 5 00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:45,100 Good evening. 6 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:52,000 From this empty cloth, I will now produce four live ducks. 7 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,420 Oh! They got away again. 8 00:00:57,460 --> 00:00:59,560 See this magic wand? 9 00:01:00,340 --> 00:01:01,820 This was given to me by the Magic Circle. 10 00:01:03,540 --> 00:01:06,500 Presented to me by the Magic... I belong to the Magic Circle. I just joined the 11 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,500 Secret Six. 12 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:10,560 I have. It's so secret, I don't even know the other five. 13 00:01:14,180 --> 00:01:16,340 There's a white tip here and a white tip there. Now, the reason for the white 14 00:01:16,340 --> 00:01:18,300 tips is to separate the ends from the centre. 15 00:01:22,740 --> 00:01:24,580 It was given to me by the Magic Circle. 16 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,960 £500. 17 00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:28,600 You couldn't get another one like this in the world. Impossible. 18 00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:30,180 And it was given to me. 19 00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:32,500 Special wood. 20 00:01:33,540 --> 00:01:34,540 Really. 21 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,160 Look at the grey in that wood. Look at it. 22 00:01:45,649 --> 00:01:48,450 Clock. Empty. 23 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,900 The idea of the trick is this. I'm going to make the clock disappear from there 24 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:12,160 and reappear in here. 25 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:13,120 I 26 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:29,680 don't 27 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:30,680 know what I'm talking about. 28 00:02:33,380 --> 00:02:35,260 It's disappeared from there and makes its way into here. 29 00:02:36,580 --> 00:02:37,580 Yes, it's there. 30 00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:42,080 That's where you can go back again. 31 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:47,060 Look at that, then. 32 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:48,680 Thank you. 33 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,080 Here's a quick joke. 34 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,180 There's a man having a barbecue in the front garden, see? 35 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,120 And he's got the spit there like that, and he's turning it like that, you see? 36 00:03:00,420 --> 00:03:01,420 Like that. 37 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:02,840 And the flames are getting higher and higher. 38 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:04,640 And he's singing. 39 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:15,480 Not bad, is it? 40 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,600 And the flame's getting higher and higher, see? 41 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,260 I'll sell them, if I will, goodbye. 42 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,560 And a drunk walks by, and he said, your signal's all right, but your monkey's on 43 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:28,560 fire. 44 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:40,060 Now, um, this is, um, Little Studio 4, through which 45 00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:44,020 most of the minor shows are transmitted. Now, as you can see, we've got cameras. 46 00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:49,100 and lights, and an audience, and a complete control box over there, and 47 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:52,900 floor, liner, et cetera, and scenery. Now, any questions, George? Excuse me. 48 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,580 What is significance of a red light on camera? 49 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,460 Well, a red light on a camera directly facing you means... 50 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,360 Look at that, I struck oil. 51 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,360 Do you know I had a funny dream last night? I was eating a ten pound 52 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:03,360 marshmallow. 53 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:04,960 And I woke up this morning, the pillow was gone. 54 00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:14,820 There's a man, you see, this man, this bloke, had a big nose, you know. 55 00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:16,639 He did. 56 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:17,680 It was something like that, it was. 57 00:05:21,730 --> 00:05:24,230 As a matter of fact, it was bigger than that. It was really much bigger. It was 58 00:05:24,230 --> 00:05:25,230 more like that. 59 00:05:30,090 --> 00:05:31,530 And his wife said to him, Fred. 60 00:05:32,630 --> 00:05:34,430 And he didn't say anything. He was just like that. 61 00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:37,230 And she said, Fred. 62 00:05:37,550 --> 00:05:39,350 And he didn't answer because his name was Jim. 63 00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:44,210 And she said, Jim. 64 00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:46,250 She said, what? 65 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,200 why don't you go to the doctors, you know, and see something, get something 66 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,019 about that nose? 67 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,440 She said, because, you know, it's a big nose, isn't it? 68 00:05:57,380 --> 00:05:59,200 No, it was, and it was a big nose. It was like that. 69 00:06:01,780 --> 00:06:06,220 So he said, all right. So he went to the doctor, see, and the doctor said, 70 00:06:06,260 --> 00:06:07,520 what's the trouble? He says, it's my nose. 71 00:06:08,820 --> 00:06:10,260 And the doctor said, well, I can see it's your nose. 72 00:06:11,540 --> 00:06:12,740 He said, you said it wasn't your nose. 73 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,400 He said, possession, there's nine points of the law. 74 00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:19,940 If it's stuck to your face, it's yours. 75 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,940 He said, anyway, who would want a big thing like that? 76 00:06:23,820 --> 00:06:25,100 And it was big. It was like that. 77 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:34,980 And he 78 00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:36,180 said, what do you mean? 79 00:06:37,820 --> 00:06:41,340 He said, well, he said, I want you to make it smaller for me, you see. 80 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:47,820 So he climbed up on the ladder, this daughter, and he said, my goodness, he 81 00:06:47,820 --> 00:06:48,820 said, what a big nose. 82 00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:50,680 And it was big. It was like that. 83 00:06:55,940 --> 00:07:00,000 And he said, I want it smaller, you see. 84 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:03,680 I want it smaller. 85 00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:06,420 He said, well, it'll cost you 500 guineas. 86 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,540 So this man said, 500 guineas? 87 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,320 Scratching his nose, he said, that's a lot of money. 88 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,340 He said, I'll tell you what to do. He said, the doctor said, go to the vet. 89 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:18,480 There's a vet on the road. 90 00:07:18,930 --> 00:07:20,350 And he only charged you 30 bob. 91 00:07:21,470 --> 00:07:22,369 That's all. 92 00:07:22,370 --> 00:07:24,350 So he went down and saw this vet. The vet said, come in. 93 00:07:24,710 --> 00:07:27,550 He said, yes, all right. He said, I'll give you a new nose. I'll give you a new 94 00:07:27,550 --> 00:07:28,610 one. Light it on the table. 95 00:07:28,930 --> 00:07:29,930 I'll parade the table. 96 00:07:31,250 --> 00:07:33,570 But he was a bit nearsighted. See, he was nearsighted. 97 00:07:34,030 --> 00:07:36,190 So instead of giving him a nose, he gave him an elephant's trunk. 98 00:07:39,510 --> 00:07:40,850 And when he woke up, he was like that. 99 00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:47,710 And he walked about a bit to get used to it. Like that. 100 00:07:54,890 --> 00:07:57,530 And he said to his wife, he said, be honest. 101 00:08:02,210 --> 00:08:03,210 Be honest. 102 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,010 What do you think of it? What do you think? 103 00:08:06,550 --> 00:08:08,590 And she said, stand over there a bit. So he went over there. 104 00:08:10,670 --> 00:08:12,190 And she said, I like it. 105 00:08:15,430 --> 00:08:16,570 I really like it. 106 00:08:17,810 --> 00:08:19,190 So they went to the cinema to celebrate. 107 00:08:21,070 --> 00:08:23,610 And they're in there watching the film. And he's like that with his trunk, see? 108 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:26,520 And he starts to sniff. 109 00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:29,420 He's like that. 110 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:33,740 And his wife couldn't stand it any longer. She said, stop that sniffing. 111 00:08:34,460 --> 00:08:35,580 He said, who's sniffing? 112 00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:37,159 He said, I'm picking up peanuts. 113 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:40,679 Ah, that's it. 114 00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:50,680 Now, comrade, I am going to show you various articles connected intimately 115 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,740 the secret mission you are about to embark on. 116 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:57,520 I want you to look at them very carefully, photograph them indelibly in 117 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,100 memory, and then destroy them. You understand? 118 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:01,880 Good, comrade. 119 00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:05,360 Here is the type of passport that your contacts will be carrying. 120 00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:08,320 Look at it very carefully. 121 00:09:09,260 --> 00:09:12,060 Photograph each page indelibly on your memory. 122 00:09:18,260 --> 00:09:20,840 Good, comrade. Now destroy it. 123 00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:27,190 Are you mad? 124 00:09:27,850 --> 00:09:28,850 No lights. 125 00:09:29,310 --> 00:09:31,010 They are watching our every move. 126 00:09:32,810 --> 00:09:33,810 Destroy it. 127 00:09:37,370 --> 00:09:38,370 Destroy it. 128 00:09:43,310 --> 00:09:44,350 Destroy it. 129 00:09:47,550 --> 00:09:54,450 Here is the plan of the secret airfield that 130 00:09:54,450 --> 00:09:55,450 you have to attack. 131 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,900 Not the position of machine gun posts and security points. 132 00:09:59,460 --> 00:10:00,800 Look at it very carefully. 133 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:03,620 Photograph it indelibly in your memory. 134 00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:32,080 The X -15 rocket. 135 00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:51,020 Ready? 136 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,360 Photograph each memory cell in your mind. 137 00:11:19,950 --> 00:11:20,970 the X -15 rocket. 138 00:11:23,690 --> 00:11:24,810 Not the box! 139 00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:35,390 The rocket. 140 00:11:39,610 --> 00:11:41,990 It was designed by Dr. Sigmund Freud. 141 00:11:42,190 --> 00:11:45,450 It is one of the most effective rockets that has ever been sent into upper 142 00:11:45,450 --> 00:11:46,450 atmosphere. 143 00:11:46,910 --> 00:11:48,050 Look at it carefully. 144 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:50,760 Photograph it. 145 00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:21,010 every piece of information? 146 00:12:29,590 --> 00:12:33,890 Now you have inwardly digested every piece of information. 147 00:12:35,210 --> 00:12:37,070 One last instruction, comrade. 148 00:12:37,710 --> 00:12:38,710 Repeat. 149 00:12:41,570 --> 00:12:44,990 And now it's interview time. And in our studio this evening, we have with us the 150 00:12:44,990 --> 00:12:48,730 young pretender himself, Prince Charles Edward Stuart. 151 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,400 Welcome, Your Majesty. 152 00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:54,620 Get on, boy, get on. 153 00:12:55,540 --> 00:12:56,820 Welcome, sir. Well, thank you, you're new. 154 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,080 Thank you, you're new. 155 00:12:58,500 --> 00:12:59,960 It's nice to be here, the new. 156 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,500 We have a little chat, the new. 157 00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:09,820 Have you quite finished? 158 00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:11,140 Yes. 159 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:12,560 That's the end of the news. 160 00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,960 history books. You last visited London in 1754. 161 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:36,400 Yes, I did. Yes. 162 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,720 I packed all my things and I came on a motorbike. 163 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,080 Motorbikes weren't invented then. 164 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:44,620 Yeah, I was wondering why they stared. 165 00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:49,400 And I thought, it's because of my kilt. What about the kilt? Well, I wasn't 166 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:50,400 wearing one. 167 00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:55,640 Now, after your defeat at Culloden, your army was in flight and you lost a lot 168 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,380 of men, didn't you? Yes, well, we crossed the Forth Bridge. But that 169 00:13:58,380 --> 00:14:00,580 built. Well, I've just told you, we lost a lot of men. 170 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,640 And you and your second -in -command escaped into the highlands when, 171 00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:07,700 unfortunately, he was caught by the Sassamax. 172 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,360 Very painful. Very painful. 173 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,480 How did you manage to avoid... Sir. 174 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,260 I'm a bit lopsided here. 175 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,280 Sir, how did you manage to avoid capture? 176 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,480 Oh, well, I had a good hiding place. A very good hiding place. My father used 177 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:30,900 take me there. What for? For a good hiding. 178 00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:41,280 1745 must have been a very remarkable year for you. 179 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:43,500 Unforgettable. Absolutely unforgettable. 180 00:14:43,780 --> 00:14:44,780 Well, tell us about it. 181 00:14:44,820 --> 00:14:45,820 What? 182 00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,060 About 1745. 183 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,360 It was a very memorable year for you. What happened then? Well, you were 184 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:53,360 from the English. 185 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:54,400 Who? The English. 186 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:55,919 Oh, yes! 187 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,200 Yes, you were hiding. Yes, yes. Of course I was, yes. 188 00:14:58,540 --> 00:14:59,780 As a matter of fact, I was in this cave. 189 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,580 Really? And all the walls were dripping. 190 00:15:02,260 --> 00:15:04,640 Remarkable. Well, it's very seldom you see a cave made of dripping. 191 00:15:08,010 --> 00:15:12,850 Well, I was there and I saw this spider spinning a web. That was Robert the 192 00:15:12,850 --> 00:15:15,130 Bruce. Oh, right, Robert the Bruce was spinning a web. 193 00:15:16,170 --> 00:15:20,530 To be absolutely frank, sir, your ludicrously ill -conceived campaigns are 194 00:15:20,530 --> 00:15:23,410 without parallel in the whole history of warfare. 195 00:15:23,810 --> 00:15:26,790 You don't mind me saying that? No, no, no. I mean, I don't think there can ever 196 00:15:26,790 --> 00:15:31,150 have been a really worse general than you. Now, you're not angry at me for 197 00:15:31,150 --> 00:15:32,550 saying that. Why should I get angry? Say what you like. 198 00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:39,060 To think that you could come down to England with your rabble of Scottish 199 00:15:39,060 --> 00:15:41,080 Highlanders and beat the whole British Army. 200 00:15:41,580 --> 00:15:44,100 Now, you're not angry. No, no, I ain't angry. Just give me a hint. 201 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,520 No, no, why should I be angry? What are you doing? Why should I be angry? 202 00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:48,060 Why should I be angry? 203 00:15:48,420 --> 00:15:52,400 Go on, get it. Now, pass the test. I'm taking it. Go on, get it. Get it there. 204 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:02,800 Ever since William Caxton in the 15th century, man has benefited greatly from 205 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,100 Caxton's great accomplishment. 206 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:08,300 making accessible to everyone the wonder of the printed word. 207 00:16:11,140 --> 00:16:12,140 Excuse me. 208 00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:16,180 I want something to read on holiday. Can you recommend a nice long book? 209 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,440 Certainly. 210 00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:21,900 All right. 211 00:16:26,740 --> 00:16:27,920 Have you got any maps? 212 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:29,900 Certainly, sir. What sort of map? 213 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:31,760 The map of the library. 214 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,140 I can't find my way out. 215 00:16:39,210 --> 00:16:42,630 Excuse me, have you got part two on advanced judo? 216 00:16:44,970 --> 00:16:46,530 Paper, paper, read all about it. 217 00:16:47,270 --> 00:16:48,270 Read all about it. 218 00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:55,630 Big robbery, read all about it. 219 00:16:58,470 --> 00:17:00,650 Excuse me, have you got a book on the moon rocket? 220 00:17:01,050 --> 00:17:02,650 Certainly, otherwise you'll never get a seat. 221 00:17:09,869 --> 00:17:10,409 Good morning. 222 00:17:10,410 --> 00:17:13,730 I wonder if you could recommend a good novel. Certainly. The one I'm reading. 223 00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:16,170 Once you pick it up, you won't be able to put it down. 224 00:17:16,630 --> 00:17:17,630 See? Look at that. 225 00:17:20,369 --> 00:17:21,869 Uh, Miss Latour? 226 00:17:22,430 --> 00:17:23,430 Yes? 227 00:17:23,890 --> 00:17:26,290 Oh, well, this is the editor of the Sunday Globe. 228 00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:27,910 Yes? 229 00:17:28,550 --> 00:17:31,970 Well, your true confession story is much too sexy for our paper. 230 00:17:32,330 --> 00:17:33,330 Oh. 231 00:17:33,950 --> 00:17:35,710 Then you send it back. 232 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,770 Registered. No. 233 00:17:39,290 --> 00:17:40,290 I'll bring it back. 234 00:17:40,950 --> 00:17:41,950 Personally. 235 00:17:45,270 --> 00:17:48,790 I'd like a book. 236 00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:52,530 Certainly, sir. Any particular book? I think it's called Under the Bridge by 237 00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:53,530 Dick and Harry. 238 00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:56,710 Under the... That's the Unabridged Dictionary! 239 00:18:09,290 --> 00:18:10,290 Wonderful. Send him in. 240 00:18:12,010 --> 00:18:13,130 Come in, Longfellow. 241 00:18:19,130 --> 00:18:24,610 And now our outside broadcast cameras take you to the romantic Middle East. 242 00:19:12,229 --> 00:19:15,650 On behalf of... 243 00:19:15,650 --> 00:19:21,650 On behalf of... 244 00:19:21,650 --> 00:19:23,830 On 245 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:34,790 behalf 246 00:19:34,790 --> 00:19:37,870 of... 247 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,660 On behalf of Madge's government, I present my credentials. 248 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:52,060 On behalf of 249 00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:56,420 Madge's government, I present my credentials for the negotiation of the 250 00:19:56,420 --> 00:20:01,280 treaty between Sheikh El Sheikh and Great Britain. Before we begin the 251 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:05,580 negotiations, it is the custom of our country, the Sheikhdom of Mook Mook, to 252 00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,980 drink a welcoming glass in welcome. 253 00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:14,300 Now, the question I would like to ask you is this. Before we ask the question, 254 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:19,540 it is the custom of our country, the shakedom of Mok Mok, to drink to our 255 00:20:19,540 --> 00:20:24,920 and glorious friendship and to your great and beautiful queen, Queen 256 00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:26,900 Queen Victoria. 257 00:20:27,340 --> 00:20:28,340 Victoria. 258 00:20:33,820 --> 00:20:35,400 And not forget in Prince Albert. 259 00:20:48,010 --> 00:20:54,970 Now, the question... The question I'd like 260 00:20:54,970 --> 00:20:59,010 to ask you is this. Before we ask the questions, it is customary in our 261 00:20:59,010 --> 00:21:04,690 to drink first to our beautiful, underprivileged country, the shakedom of 262 00:21:04,690 --> 00:21:05,690 Muck. 263 00:21:10,550 --> 00:21:12,050 Now, the question I'd like to ask you. 264 00:21:12,330 --> 00:21:14,510 Before we drink, before we ask... What is this? 265 00:21:15,330 --> 00:21:17,810 Oh. This is Zumballa. 266 00:21:18,190 --> 00:21:19,290 Zumballa. Zumballa. 267 00:21:20,150 --> 00:21:21,570 Zumballa. Zumballa. 268 00:21:22,610 --> 00:21:24,650 Zumballa. I heard you, I heard you, I heard you. 269 00:21:25,630 --> 00:21:27,350 Zumballa. All right, all right. 270 00:21:29,430 --> 00:21:32,310 Zumballa. All right, all right, all right, all right. You got me at it now. 271 00:21:33,570 --> 00:21:34,570 What's it made of? 272 00:21:35,890 --> 00:21:37,170 What is it made of? 273 00:21:53,399 --> 00:21:55,000 I don't mind the frogs. I like that. 274 00:21:56,140 --> 00:21:59,520 Now we drink to our shit. 275 00:22:00,100 --> 00:22:01,100 Long may... 276 00:22:11,150 --> 00:22:12,150 may shake. 277 00:22:15,030 --> 00:22:21,850 Now, the question I'd like to ask you is this. Before we have the questions, we 278 00:22:21,850 --> 00:22:22,850 drink again. 279 00:22:23,210 --> 00:22:29,730 We drink to our ancestors, to our great and glorious ancestors, 280 00:22:30,010 --> 00:22:31,910 and to the union in paradise. 281 00:22:35,870 --> 00:22:37,070 You've got a lot of camels. 282 00:22:56,430 --> 00:22:57,430 Excellent deal. 283 00:23:36,010 --> 00:23:37,010 to this question. 20776