All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1970 s01e08 March 28, 1970

Señor, according to tradition, you are
permitted to smoke one last cigarette

before you die.

No, thanks. I'd rather smoke my own.

Good night.

Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen. Thank you very much.

Here's a little trick now. Empty there,
empty there.

One pipe, two pipes. What have I got?

Bagpipes.

Here's a trick now with a magic wand.
Look, solid magic wand there like that.

I feel very tired tonight.

Very tired. I do, really.

My wife couldn't close her eyes all
night.

She couldn't. She put her eyelashes on
backwards.

Here's a quick joke.

There's a man in a country lane with
snow.

He's in snow up to there.

Up to there he is, like that.

See?

Snow, like that.

And a man walks up to him and he says,
poor dear, oh dear.

Just like that. He said, don't worry. He
said, you're in a bit of trouble. I'll

get a shovel and get you out.

And the man said, thank you very much.
He said, get a big one. He said, I'm

sitting on a horse.

It's a little trick now, look.

Magic wand there, like that. Just solid
magic wand.

You wrap it in a tissue paper, like
that.

There, like that.

It disappears there. It goes right round
this, right round here, right round

that, right round that, right round
that, right round that, and it comes on

here. There you have it.

Only one.

Only one, only one.

And I use a little trick now. You see it
here, the flower. will slowly grow like

that. Slowly grow.

It's a beautiful effect. All the flowers
just come out of there like that.

This was made famous by Dante, a
magician.

And all the great magicians are dead.

Houdini's dead, Horace Golden's dead,
Dante's dead. They're all dead.

I don't feel so good myself.

Up they come.

Pipe of peace.

Piece of pipe.

Here's a straight line with a piece of
rope here like this. Look.

Piece of rope. See the knot in the
centre?

I'm a bit nervous with this.

Look, even the rope's afraid.

Where did he get them from? I don't
know.

Just go there like that. Do that there
like that.

And you take the knot.

Like that there.

There like that.

And here's the knot there.

Then you go like that.

And it comes up there.

You go like that.

Gone. And here's the knot there.

Thank you.

It comes out. It rises

right up. It looks lovely, really.

There was an Irishman, a Mexican and a
German taking prisoners.

See? I don't know where, they were just
taking prisoners.

And they were ordered to be flogged.

See? So they said to the Mexican, you
can have anything on your back, what you

like to ease the pain.

So he said, olive oil, the best.

So they rubbed it all over his back like
that.

And they got the whip and they went,
crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch,

crunch.

I'll put that extra crunch in.

And he flopped on the floor and they
dragged him out.

There was a German's turn, and he stood
there like that.

And they said, what do you want on your
back? He said, nine.

That means nothing, doesn't it?

So they got their way, crunch, crunch,
crunch, crunch, like that.

And he just stood there, he didn't blink
an eyelid, didn't blink an eyelid.

There was an Irishman's turn. They said,
what do you want on your back? He said,

I'll have the German.

Your partner's pit. Look, I'm in a
little bit of trouble.

You look like Vincent Price.

Me? Yes.

Oh, no, he's a much younger man.

So, you see, I'm in a little bit of
trouble, sir. I've lost my wallet. I

have misplaced it, left it in my pants
or something else, you know. And I've

a taxi out there, and the driver's
waiting to be paid. Can you help me?

Certainly. Of course I can. Oh, thank
you.

We are. What are friends for?

I mean, anyone can lose a wallet.

Sure. Of course they can.

Here we are. They're mine. Oh, thank
you.

Where are you from? I'm from Texas in
the United States of America.

Oh, Texas? Yes, sir. I hear that you
have a big ranch up there. Oh, yeah, I

a big ranch. It's the XYZ Polo and
Pleasure Riding Ranch of Southeastern

Is that the name?

No, that's the brand.

Do you have many cattle?

Very few survive the brand.

You know, your face is familiar. You're
a famous prestidigitator, ain't you?

You're very famous with all those card
tricks.

Look, I've got a card trick.

I've got a real card trick. Would you
think of any card in the whole deck,

Yeah, I'm thinking. You got it? Yeah. Is
it a spade?

Yeah. Huh?

Yeah. Is it a six?

No, sorry, it's a seven.

Yeah, what's a spot among friends?

Oh, thank you.

You

know,

I strained my back.

I had, I was playing piggyback when I
was a little boy, and I fell off.

What?

from the cinema.

Tonight we bring you some of the most
memorable scenes from Hollywood's

and most successful films.

Films from what was truly the cinema's
golden age.

It's quiet.

Very quiet.

Yeah, very quiet.

I don't like it when it's too quiet.

Neither do I.

Neither do I.

I'm a gunslinger.

Okay, mate, I'll relieve you. Now you
can up it.

About time, too.

Hey, Luke, what is it?

It's either the Texas Rangers or the
Indians.

I've bought it.

I've finally bought it. You have?

This foxhole is mine.

Get out. What do you mean?

I said get out, it's mine.

What am I supposed to do? I don't care
where you go, get out. This is mine.

I've bought it.

No, Jesse, no.

No, no. No, Jesse.

Jesse, no, no.

No.

Well, that's what we always seem to
find.

People just won't swap their packet of
Blitzer.

He didn't draw fast enough.

Morning, Billy.

Morning, Jesse.

Hello?

For you, sir.

Is it Sergeant McSavish of the Dundee
Highlanders? It must be. He'll reverse

charges.

Who'll be that new fireman getting on
with the A -making, Ethan?

Marvellous, absolutely marvellous. I've
never seen such a greatest man with a

pitchfork. Oh, here he comes now.

Ooh, it's hotter than hell in that hay
field.

Come

in.

You want to see me, Head?

Yes.

To Betsy, if this ain't the most
beautiful morning that ever did shine on

riverboat moored in the Mississippi,
then my name ain't Beauregard Price.

A bankrupt plantation owner who is
presently engaged in trying to marry off

daughter who is so ugly, every time she
makes up, the lipstick draws back into

the tube.

Bartender. Sir.

I think I'll have me a Bloody Mary,
please, with real blood.

I gotta stop playing them horror
pictures.

Make it a whiskey, huh? Certainly, sir.
Single or double? Double.

With ice or without? With.

100 proof or 85 proof? 100.

Soda or water? Water. Bourbon or rye?
Forget it. I ain't thirsty anymore.

Well.

Well, well, well. If it ain't my
daughter, Samantha, who I haven't seen

she was about that high.

And who I have brought down south so
that she can marry a rich husband.

Forgive that, but somebody's got to tell
this silly plot.

How are you, old daddy?

Glad to see me.

Oh, of course I am, honey child.

You know, I can't believe it. My little
ugly duckling has grown up into a great

big ugly duck.

You know, Samantha, we've got to find
you a man who is suave and worldly and

sophisticated and distinguished.

Yes, sir.

And here he comes. I can just feel him
coming in, I guess.

I'll be coming round the mountain when
she comes.

I'll be coming round the mountain when
she comes.

I'll be coming round the mountain.
Coming round the mountain. Coming round

mountain when she comes.

I don't know why she lives upstairs.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Colonel Beauregard Price, and this
is my daughter, Samantha, who is the

apple of my eye.

An apple of your eye? She looks like an
old Granny Smith.

Sir, my name... is E .K .O.

Hasegai.

A gilliguddy.

Is that right? Well, how do you spell
it?

Wrong all the time.

It's just a little joke.

I don't think I ever heard a littler
one.

Oh, Daddy, he's gorgeous.

I want him for my husband.

What's your husband? What about me?

Samantha, straighten up. Throw out your
chest.

That's my girl.

And that face as well.

There. My daughter is unattached.

Unattached? She's coming apart.

My daughter, I repeat, is unmarried.
Now, what steps are you going to take?

Long ones. Oh, you don't. Now, you
listen to me, sir. You are not getting

younger. Now, time is running out.

Me too. No, sir. Now, don't press my...
Don't press me. I have it. I have it.

The cards.

The cards? Yes, sir. How about a little
shuffle, huh?

Got me a live one this time.

Come on, sir, won't you sit down,
please? Of course.

And just to make this game a little more
interesting, huh, why don't we play for

some interesting stakes?

Now, what I mean is, sir, that if you
lose, you marry my daughter, and if you

win, you become my son -in -law.

Well, that sounds fair.

Yes. Now, will you cut, sir?

Yes, there we go.

Now, what shall we play?

Well, how about a little poker? All
right.

Ouch!

Oh, that hurt.

That was cruel.

Why, I wouldn't do a thing like that
even to Peter Cushing.

Who's Peter Cushing?

Would you say that again?

I said, who's Peter Cushing? Bless you,
boy.

Do you know, I love a game of cards.

Beauregard? Oh, just call me Beau.

Beau? How do you spell it?

B -O.

Oh, I had dropped an earring. I will go
under the table and pick it up.

Well, now, let's get on with the game.
Uh -oh.

Sir, let me see now. What time is it?

Oh.

Twillion's just passed on.

Now, let's get on with the game. First,
I want to see your steak.

My steak. All right. Here we are.

Oh, take that away. Take that away. I
don't like steak ever since somebody

one through my cotton -picking heart.

Now, I mean your money, sir, your money.
Oh, money. There we are.

Oh, yeah.

Well, let's see now. Yeah, that just
makes us about even.

There we go. Now, what do you got, huh?

Well, I got Mr. Bundabaker.

They told me this was the Gladys Cooper
show.

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind holding
your card still so I can focus my mirror

on them?

Somebody's cheating.

Cheating? Cheating? How dare you say
that, sir? Samantha, come out from under

that table. Somebody just called your
daddy a cheat.

Why, sir, where I come from, we don't
allow anybody to get away with that.

Us cheats have our pride.

Do that again.

He does everything I say.

Do you have a second?

A second what?

Oh, never mind. Samantha will officiate.
Get me the weapons, Samantha.

Stand back to back.

Take three paces. Turn and fire.

I shall count.

One, two... I shot him. How's that?

Sir, you were supposed to wait until the
count of three.

Well, one and two is three.

interview time, and in our studio this
evening we have with us one of the most

colourful characters from the pages of
British history.

The famous, nay, infamous highwayman,
Dick Turpin.

Good evening, sir. Good evening.

Now then, sir.

Very good. Thank you.

Now, sir, tell us, first of all, tell us
about your antecedents.

Oh, they won first prize in the Chelsea
Flower Show.

I mean about your family.

They were all farming folk, weren't
they, from Essex? Oh, yeah, they were,

yes. It's a lovely county, lovely
county. Oh, yes, it's got the softest

the heaviest rainfall. And what's the
main product?

Mud.

Tell me, Mr. Turbin, is it true... I
won, I won. Go on.

Is it true that in your youth you showed
criminal tendencies?

I did.

You did? Oh, I did, I did, I did.

I used to pinch sweets from other kids.
Oh, yes, I used to pinch them all the

time. I used to stuff them in my
trousers pocket like that.

That's how I got my own nickname.

What's that?

Smarty Pants.

And then when you were 16, you joined
the army. Why did you do that? Well, I

needed the money. What for?

To buy myself out.

And things were pretty difficult for
you, weren't they, when you were young?

well, they were, yes, because we were
starving, you know. Really? Oh,

starving. I should never get the sad
look on my mother and father's face when

sewed their bed.

They were in tears?

No, they were in the bed.

Mr Turpin, how could you do such a
heartless thing?

Well, I had to.

Because I did have a penny, you see. Oh,
I see.

I mean,

surely you had a little bit put aside
for a rainy day.

I did.

But she didn't have any money either.

Then after leaving the army, you became
a horse thief. Why did you give that up?

Well, because the horses had no money,
you see. I see.

And then at the tender age of 18, you
joined up with the notorious highwayman

Tom King.

Now, tell us, what was Tom King really
like? A very, very strange man.

Was he? Oh, very strange. Didn't trust
anybody.

Really? He used to make his own shadow
walk in front of him.

And he was so crooked, he had to screw
his socks on. He did, really. I

shall never forget once.

I was sitting there in this little
hideout of mine, you see, and I was

the loot, and he poked his head around
the corner.

What do you think of that?

I'm sorry, I don't see anything strange
about poking your head around the

corner. What, on the end of a stick?

Now, for three years, the Bow Street
runners tried...

street runners tried in vain to find
you, didn't they? Oh, yes!

They were searching all over the place
for me. All over, all over.

They were searching everywhere. They
couldn't find me.

Now, where were you? I was in prison.

But you managed eventually to escape.

I certainly did.

I took a tunnel about a hundred feet
long.

A hundred feet tunnel?

That's amazing. It's a wonder the guards
didn't find you.

Well, I was very clever. Very cunning I
was. I used to fill it in every night.

I see.

And yet... One more for that. Yes.

And you dug that tunnel for nine long
years. Yes, I did. It was silly, really.

Why? Well, I was only in for 18 months.

Tell us, sir, what was life like? Well,
I'm right as you are.

Yes? What was life like in 18th century
England?

Indescribable. Really?

Absolutely indescribable. Can you
describe it for us? Certainly.

It was awful.

Was it? Really awful. It was awful,
awful.

I mean, the women were lying about all
over the streets, and the men were lying

about, and they were drinking. Oh,
terrible.

It was very immoral.

Immoral? Oh, dreadful. Loose living.
Absolutely, absolutely.

Oh, dear. Absolutely.

And drink?

Oh, a big gin like that, something, a
big bottle like that. Oh, really?

Drink, drink, drink all the time.

Unbelievable. Sir, tell us, how would
you describe it, though, in one word?

Swinging, man, swinging.