All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1970 s01e05 March 7, 1970

It's Tommy Cooper!

Thank

you.

Oh, I must say, you've been a wonderful
audience.

And in conclusion... Look at that.

Shakespeare.

Got to get that in there.

That in there.

My little boy loves this.

And I love kids. I went to school with
them.

He came towards me the other day with
his arms out like that and he walked

slowly towards me. Dead, dead, dead,
dead. It was marvellous.

He's only 50.

I'll

tell

you what, ladies and gentlemen, we've
got a brilliant show for you tonight. I

mean, a brilliant show.

I will say it's one of the best.

And I'll tell you one word of lie. Get
struck down here in this very spot.

And after he's opened his paper bag, I'm
going to produce a live pigeon.

I always get that bag too hard.

A little boy goes into a fish shop.

And he says, I want six penny worth of
whale meat.

And Mummy said, would you put the head
in for the cat?

I shall not make this bouquet of flowers
disappear in front of your very eyes.

I've got my teeth in.

And a man came up to me and said, have
you seen a policeman around here? I

no, he's a stigma.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

It's quite horrible.

There's a tray.

One glass, two glass, three glass, four
empty glasses.

Four empty glasses.

And a jug of water.

I fill that there like that. Fill that
there like that.

One tube there, one tube there.

One tube there, one tube there.

Do you know, I was only thinking the
other day, I was, and

I walked past this garage and I said to
myself, isn't that marvellous?

Wherever they put those petrol pumps,
they always find petrol underneath.

Isn't it marvellous?

One egg there, look.

One egg there.

And one egg there.

One egg there.

Now the idea of the trick is this.

With my right hand...

The tubes go over there, and the eggs...
They should go

into the glasses, see? But it hasn't
worked yet, and I want to know the

why.

I mean, if one egg went in, it'd still
be a good trick, wouldn't it?

I'll be honest.

The water is in there.

To break the fall of the eggs.

Otherwise, they make plasma soup.

And I ain't paid for it yet.

I'd like to point out that you are in
direct line of fire.

Did you hear that joke?

A judge, you see, and he said to this
man, he said, this is the worst case

ever heard in my life. Dreadful case.

He said, I've been sitting away for 99
years.

He said, I can't do that. I'm 65.

He said, well, do so much as you can.

Three prisoners.

Three convicts in a cell, see?

And one convict said, he said, do you
know, he said, I must be the oldest

convict here. The oldest one.

He said, I came here by tram car.

They brought me here by tram car. The
old tram car.

And the other convict said, he said,
well, I don't know about that.

He said, they brought me here by horse
and cart.

And an old wizened man in the corner
said, what's a horse?

He said, I'd like to point out, if one
or two of the eggs fly out,

if they do fly out, catch them like
that, see?

Not like that, because it goes all over.

All right, ready?

One, two, three. Here we go then.

And this week we take a look at some of
the people who work for the government

as we say, so you want to be a public
servant.

Certainly. Leave him out in the rain.

I arrest you for murder.

And anything you say may be taken down
and used as evidence.

I arrest

you for murder.

Excuse me.

Am I right for Westminster?

Definitely. Good morning, sir. Good
morning.

Have you read this?

No, I haven't.

I read it on the train.

Have you been abroad, sir? Yes, I have.

Have you got any of these?

Probably enough. Yes, I have a lot of
shoes.

Well, where is it?

All a good time. First, I must play you
something.

Forceps, nurse.

Forceps, doctor.

What's all this you're made of?

It's a recorded delivery.

And now our outside broadcast cameras
take you over to the lion house at a zoo

somewhere in London.

All right, come on, out of it.

Come on, out of it.

You won't come out.

Is he tame? Who?

The lion.

The lion, tame?

Yeah. He's vicious.

Is he really? Absolutely. The worst lion
we've ever had, I tell you that. The

worst lion.

I'm telling you.

Vicious.

Still, I suppose there's a knack in
handling him, eh?

Oh, yeah, it's like that.

You've got to make sure that you don't
look nervous in front of them. I see,

yeah. Because once they see you nervous
and afraid, they're on you just like

that. Well, I never.

Another thing.

Never go near them when they're hungry.

I see.

Because that's when they get savage.

It's all right when they've been fed.

It's all right then.

Then they go to sleep. You can do
anything you like with them. Oh, that's

interesting. Oh, yes.

And another thing. Don't turn your back
on them.

What, not even when they're asleep?

Especially when they're asleep.

Especially.

Because the slightest noise...

See? They get you like that, see?

I frightened myself a bit there.

I'll remember that.

Yeah, well, it's important, isn't it?
Oh, it is. Very important.

Come on, out of it.

Out of it. He doesn't seem to want to
come out.

Well, he's scared, isn't he?

Scared? Sure he's scared.

Well, what's he scared of? Oh, lions.

Lions? Yeah, well, you know, just now
when I went, like that.

I'll frighten the life out of him.

He's in there quivering.

Quivering like a leaf he is. Oh, I see.
He's frightened of other lions.

What other lions?

Any other lions.

Well, there's no other lions here.

As a matter of fact, there's no lion
here at all.

Well, who's that you're talking to then?

Oh, the head keeper.

Where's the lion?

What? He escaped.

He escaped?

Yeah, about half an hour ago.

That's what we're doing in here, you
see.

Well, he could be in the zoo. He could
be anywhere.

Let me in there with you. Come on, let
me in. Can't do it.

Only staff will let him in.

Come on, let me in. Only staff.

What am I supposed to do?

Just don't turn your back on him, that's
all.

You can't come in.

What about if I see the lion?

If you see the lion, it's no good. Just
don't turn your back on him. Well, is he

hungry? Of course he's hungry. He's
starving.

Oh, now, come on, let me in, please. Let
me in. You can't. It's against rules

and regulations. Oh, never mind the
rules. Regulators, let me in.

Don't shout at me.

You can't come in here.

I mean, they hate keepers, don't they?
I'll get a sack.

That's him. Yeah, that's him. That's
him.

That's him, all right.

Yeah, that's him.

Don't forget.

Don't turn your back. Don't turn your
back on him.

All right, you come out now.

I don't think he's hungry anymore.

And now it's interview time, and in our
studio this evening, we're very proud

and privileged to have with us the
noblest Roman of them all. Ladies and

gentlemen, it's Julius Caesar.

Here's a little quiz, a little quiz.
Look, what am I doing?

I don't know. Pressing on my laurels.

I'm ready for bed.

Oh, good evening.

Now, let's start with your early life.
Tell me, did your parents see any early

signs of your future greatness?

Well, it's funny you ask me that.

Because, you know, I... Do you know what
my mother said when she first saw me?

Well, good heavens, how could I?

That's the exact words.

Sorry, I don't find... Thank you. I
don't find that... The boy stood on the

early deck.

When all the rest had fled.

The idiot.

Now, in 55 BC, you invaded Britain.

What is your most vivid memory of that
first invasion?

When I came ashore, I saw something on
the bottom of a foothill. What? Feet.

Another unforgettable day in your life
must have been March the 15th, 44 BC.

Oh, yes.

What happened then?

Well, Brutus and his fellow conspirators
stabbed you to death.

No, no, that's wrong. You're wrong.
You're wrong.

Well, if you didn't die that way, how
did you die? They drowned me in a bath.

That's what they did. And they put these
knives in to make it look like an

accident. Aye, sir.

Tell us, what did you think of Brutus?

Very strange fellow.

Very strange man. Very strange.

He used to have laurel leaves on his
head. Well, every Roman used to have

leaves on his head. What, growing there?

Your full name is Gaius Julius Caesar,
which was also your grandfather's name.

Can you tell us, why were you named
after your grandfather?

Well, he was born before me.

Of course, your leadership during the
Gallic Wars was masterly. You conquered

your way through Germany, you conquered
your way through Aquitania, and you

conquered your way through Britain. Why
did you stop?

I ran in a conference.

And, uh... Which one?

Oh, how we danced.

On the night that we went.

We danced and we danced.

Because the room had no bed.

Victories, did you enjoy most?

Yes.

Well, thank you very much for coming
along and giving us some of your songs.

It's been very interesting meeting you.
Just a minute, just a minute. You

haven't asked me about Cleopatra. I'm
sorry, we haven't got time for any of

now. That's what she used to say.

Thank you very much for coming along
this evening. Oh, just a minute.

Have you seen this goblet?

No, I haven't. What's that?

Well, as a matter of fact, this was
handed down by my great -great

I see. He's never left our family.
Never.

And he said to me, you can hand it down
to your grandchild.

And he'd go right down, keep going down
all the time. I see. See, like that, all

the way down.

And he said, always drink from this
side, never that side. Always this side

never that side. I see.

Always this side and never that side.
Why can't you drink from the other side?

Well, if you do that, you'll spill all
over your bleach.

Thank you and good night.

Hello.

pleasure it is for you to see me here
tonight.

I'm going to appear with my dear, dear
friend, the adorable Pinky Cooper.

What can I say about him? In the Master
of Ballantry, he was masterly. In

Heavens Above, he was heavenly.

And in Captain Blood, he was quite
wonderful.

And yet, Pinky has one great quality,
humility.

In fact, tonight, You will see him give
one of the most humiliating performances

in the history of the theater.

And there he is, tinkling away on his
piano, my co -star

and dear, dear friend.

Someday I'll find you.

Dear, dear.

Tonight we appear in Blythe Encounter.

Oh, dear, dear, Sir Noel Coward.

Ah, of course, hot today.

That's better.

Cooler in the shade.

Who put this in the white paper basket?

Oh, Mum's 98.

Doesn't look a day over an 80.

Mum's 98 is a good year for champagne.

Very good year.

It's a good year for corks as well.

I've heard of dry champagne for the
Sicilian.

Ah, what a fantastic flat.

What luxury.

Who could that be at the door?

Come in.

Darling. Samantha.

You go.

Samantha. You go.

Samantha. You go.

I don't know what she's talking about.
My name's Bert.

Dear Hugo.

Did I hurt you? No.

You'll realise it's been three long,
long years.

You've changed.

Well, I've had a bath as well.

It would have come sooner, but I've been
with my aunts on a yachting cruise.

Cows? Oh, you know them.

Where have you been these last
terrifyingly lonely years?

Well, I've been out east.

Where? Whitechapel.

Hugo, I was in Montparnasse the other
day and the memories came to me like...

I still remember the day when I walked
down the rue de Pompidou and

heard the sound of your piano coming
from an upstairs window.

Well, it missed you, did it?

Oh,

my darling, you're just the same.

the way your nose crinkles up when you
smile.

And then when you stop smiling, I love
the way you just hang.

My darling, I need you.

I can't live without you.

Let's start all over again.

There's no one in the world like me, you
mean.

There's no one else in the world but
you.

Well, there must be. I've been bumping
into people all day.

Hugo, let's start all over again.

Start all over again?

Yes, then you take it. No, no, you take
it. No, you take it. No, you take it.

How can you be so cruel?

Where's your heart?

Well, straight down the throat, first on
the left.

Hugo, I can't bear the thought of never
seeing you again.

Never mind, Samantha.

Because...

I'll see you again whenever spring
breaks

through again.

Time may lie heavy between, but what has
been

is past forgetting.

I hope she's been faithful while I've
been away.

Samantha! You swore you would never make
love to another man.

Yes, but you must admit I've been
cutting, darling.

Samantha, this isn't it.

But why?

Why? Because my feet are killing me.

How can you forget all we've shared,
Hugo?

That was no good. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What is that dance?

That song.

Our song.

That tender, haunting melody.

Our love song.

How did it go? You must remember.

What song?

How did it go?

Knees up, mother, brah. Knees up,
mother, brah. Knees up, knees up. Never

the knees up. Knees up, mother, brah.

died? Was it because you found me weak?

Was it because years between quenched
your pain?

There was that song.

Oh!