All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1970 s01e04 February 28, 1970

It's Tommy Cooper!

very much, ladies and gentlemen.

You've all no doubt seen that wonderful
trick I've shown a lady in half.

You have?

What the hell with it?

I shall never forget the last time I did
that. I can see it now. The lights, the

applause, the costumes, the blood.

Just before the show, the producer said
to me, he said, how are you tonight?

I said, well, I'm feeling a little bit
funny.

He said, well, get out there before it
wears off.

I went to the local cinema the last
night and I saw the slimy, one -eyed,

-man monster.

He's been a manager of their phrases.

Do you know, last week, because we got a
load of this, last week, an insurance

man came up to me, you see, and he said
to me, I said, I've got plenty of

insurance. He said, no, he said, just
listen first.

See? He said, are you listening? I said,
yes, I am.

So, no, I was.

And I looked at him, I looked at him
like that, I looked him square in the

yeah, square eyes, and I said to him, he
said, look, you pay tuppence a week for

50 years, that's all, and when you get
to 90, you get £100.

He said, I know it's not much, but it's
a starting line.

You know, we've been rehearsing the
shows, which you know, and a couple of

nights ago I was leaving late, see, and
I was going home, I had two bags with

me, and I'm just... Grips, grips.

And, well, you know, a policeman can
stop you after midnight, can't they?

They're allowed to do that.

Am I right?

There are, aren't they?

So this policeman stopped me, and he
said, what have you got in that grip

A bit harsh, he was.

I said, in there, I've got sugar from a
tea.

He said, what have you got in that one?

I said, I've got sugar from a coffee.

And he took his little truncheon out, he
went, boom!

He said, there's a lump of your purple.

What

happened

then? What happened?

Now, you get this ball here.

Good evening.

You get this ball here like this, you
see.

Anything I can do for you?

Possibly, yes. My name is Winterbottom.

That's a bit chilly for you.

But don't mind me, Mr Cooper. Carry on.
Oh, thank you.

I'm just doing a trick with a ball, you
know.

Just throw it there like that, you see.
Push it in the hand there like that.

Boop. Just appears there. Go in your
pocket.

And then it is there like that, look.

One, two, three balls there like that.
Now watch this very, very closely.

Here we go. I want you to pay a lot of
attention to this because later on I

shall ask questions.

I've placed one ball in my pocket, like
that.

One ball in the hand and one in the
pocket. Everybody's in the hand.

Now look, we'll start again. Three balls
there like that.

And two, look. One, two, three.
Everybody's in the hand, quick.

Two, no, one. How's that?

Look,

who are you?

I'm a censor.

My card.

Well, there's nothing on it.

Naturally, it's been censored.

Saves me a fortune in printing costs.

Oh, I see.

Ada Spade, or Rana Spade, does anything
I say, come down.

Oh, thank you.

I say, what are you doing here?

Well, it's my job to see that nothing
offensive creeps into the show.

Well, no -one's watching. Why don't you
creep back out again?

Tell me, Mr Cooper, have you read the
ITA rule book?

No, but I saw the film with Doris Day
and Bazarath.

Bone. Got a bone stuck up my throat.

Very amusing.

The rule I'm referring to is one which
says that no offensive material must be

used in television shows.

Those glasses, for instance, those ought
to go.

Why? Well, glasses suggest drinking.

Drinking suggests alcohol.

And alcohol suggests alcoholism.

I think we'd better get rid of those.

Family show, Mr Cooper.

Carry on, please.

Thank you.

Right, for my next trick, before I
start, I'd like to show you there's

up my sleeve.

See?

There is nothing up my sleeve.

Here's a trick with the packed cards.

Just a moment, Mr Cooper.

Not the cards, please.

Why not?

Well, cards suggest gambling, and that's
one of the evils of our society. No,

I'd better get rid of those.

It's a family show, remember?

A bunch of flowers, a pair of scissors,
watch very closely now. Stop, stop.

Now, watch better now. What are you
doing?

Well, just a bunch of flowers. Just a
bunch of flowers?

Just a bunch of flowers?

And you're going to destroy them by
cutting their heads off with scissors?

Well, it's only a trick.

I mean, I'll go woof all of that, and
they'll appear back on there again. Oh,

murderer.

Here's a gun. Now, watch very closely.
Stop!

No guns. No, no. Guns definitely out.
That incites violence.

No, I can't take any more.

That's all I can take from you. What?
I've had enough. Right. Okay, thank you

very much.

What are you doing?

I've just had enough. What do you mean?
Hey! Oh, no!

Oh, stop!

Oh, Duke! Put me down!

What's happened, mister?

Who are those people? Well, that was my
wife and kids.

They always come to the studio.

It's a family show, remember?

Other people's jobs.

Welcome to Other People's Jobs, the
informative television feature which

young people to decide what they want to
do with their lives.

And this week we suggest some exciting
sports you can choose from, as we say,

you want to be a sportsman.

I'd like to see the all -in wrestling.

Five shins?

Yes, certainly. Thank you very much.

And now for the winner of the
championship,

the man who...

23 rounds, had thrown the most powerful
right hook in the history of fighting.

Rocky Figgins!

Oh,

what's this for?

Oh, good luck.

One, two, three, four, five.

Just a minute.

I'll do the counting.

Get a doctor.

I feel great.

Never been so fit in all my life.

All right, Cooper, you're on.

How are you feeling, Tom? Great, really
great.

All right, nice and loose. Ready?

Look at my opponent over there.

Just look at him.

His little short legs and flat head.

That's the two.

That woman told me you're doing great.
Lost six or seven rounds. He hasn't laid

a glove on you.

No? Well, keep your eye on the referee.

Somebody's hitting me.

take you to a bridge somewhere in
London.

Quick, quick, there's a man in the
river.

A man in the river? Yes.

Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.

Who said that? He did.

Who did? The man in the river. I tell
you, there's a man in the river.

You're right, there is a man in the
river. Now, somebody ought to jump in

save him.

Do you know, I've just got to say that
myself.

Somebody should jump in there and save
him. Yeah, well, I would, but I can't

swim. You can't swim? No.

Well, it's easy. Look, just do this,
look. Put your hands like that first.

can't. Just try.

Just try. Do that, and then do that. Now
turn. I'll never learn. You will. Just

try. Like that. Turn, and like that.
That's it. Hold.

Go on. There, there.

That's it. Oh, no. Lovely.

Go on, like that. Now kick your leg like
that as well.

Help!

He's coming. He's coming.

a born swimmer. Not so difficult, is it?

Now, keep going. Now, get on the ledge.

I'm coming with you.

There you go.

Now, jump in.

Oh, no, no.

Oh,

I forgot to tell you. When you're doing
that, breathe in and out like that.

Almost to get out. Oh, you're out.

He's out.

Oh, good.

It's all right. He's out.

He jumped in to save you, you know.

No, he's in trouble.

Can you swim?

No, of course I can't swim.

Well, no, it's easy. They just do that
and that.

Kick your leg like that at the same
time.

See, like that.

Oh, you're out now? Yes. Oh, look at the
time. I must be going.

Here, hang on a minute.

Can you swim?

I'm a swimming instructor.

Well, why didn't you jump in the river?

It was my day off.

In our studio this evening, we're very
proud and privileged to have with us...

England's greatest naval hero, Admiral
Lord Horatio Nelson.

I got the patch over the good eye again.

Oh, good evening. Good evening.

First of all, may I ask you a question?
What do you regard as the most palpable

consequence of your victory at
Trafalgar? Was it A, the total

Bonaparte's rapacious annexations, or B,
the resounding validation of British

nautical preeminence?

Yes.

Yes what?

You can ask me a question.

Yes. On the other hand... Yes?

I've got four fingers and a thumb.

Let me ask you about the Battle of
Trafalgar.

Oh! That was my famous victory.

You took the words out of my mouth.

I'm sorry, I didn't know you were
friends with him.

Although at Trafalgar you were
outnumbered 33 to 27, you still managed

Now, what do you put that down to?

Expenses.

During the Trafalgar engagement, how did
you manage to divert the French and

Spanish warships? Ah, well, I had
something up my sleeve.

You could have fooled me.

It's just a joke you see about your
sleeve.

There's no arm in it.

Do

you

know what I like about you? No, what?
Nothing.

It was during the Trafalgar engagement
that you sent off your most famous

message. England expects every man this
day to do his duty.

No, I didn't say that. No, what did you
say?

I said... Boat 24 coming a half an
hour's up.

And, uh, looking back on Trafalgar,
looking back on Trafalgar, what would

have done if you'd been in Napoleon's
shoes?

Limp.

Now,

earlier in your career, I believe you
went to the West Indies, and while

I understand you came down with a very
rare tropical disease.

Yes, Joe Blaine's.

1993, you first met Lady Hamilton.

That's right. And do you know what she
said to me? No.

Correct.

Please.

Please, please, please.

No, no, no. That's what I said.

Please stop messing about.

That's what her husband said.

Finally, Lord Horatio, I wonder if you
have any advice for any young viewers

may be watching and may be considering
taking up a naval career.

Certainly.

Boys, I think there's no greater life
than the sea. To feel the salt spray

coming over you and the deck heaving
under your feet and the waves going up

down, getting higher and higher, and
you're going up and down.

Up and down.

Up and down.

Up and down.

Up and down.

Up and down.

Great discoveries of our time.

Tonight we salute the greatest force
ever harnessed by man, electricity.

Good morning, madam. I come to read to
me, sir. Oh, yes, you know where it is.

Yes, thank you.

Now, once upon a time...

Well, sir, madam, have you

decided which fridge you prefer?

Well, we like the larger one really, but
before deciding definitely, I think

we'd like to sleep on it. Of course,
naturally.

Excuse me, could you show me how this
electric cooker works?

Oh, it's not electric, madam.

It works on North Sea gas.

Look, I'll show you.

Good morning, madam. I'm from the
electricity board. I believe you made a

over your last bill. Yes, that's right.

Well, if there's any trouble, they
always send me along to settle it.

Oh, God.

Can you take recorder, Tommy? Yes.

Great.

I'll play it for you.

Dear Mum, I'm fine. Love, Tommy.

I'll play it back for you.

Show the brightness down a bit, will
you?

What are you doing, love?

Oh, it's all right, love. I'm just
wiring up your mum's Christmas present.

Oh, you haven't put the light out.

Well, it's your turn.

No, it isn't. Now, go on, put the light
out.

Well, all right, then.

Good morning, madam.

I've come to look at your meter. Oh,
there it is.

Oh, thank you.

What's that electricity meter for?

I'm from the gas board.

At last, at last, now for my experiment.

Today I'm going to show them that they
were wrong when they laughed at me at

university because I said that man had
two natures, one good and one evil, and

that there must be some way of releasing
the evil.

They laughed at Gladstone, but he went
ahead and invented the bag.

They laughed at Wellington when he
invented the boot.

They even laughed at Jock.

This potion will make me bigger.

More powerful.

More evil.

Have

you

ever had one of those days when nothing
seemed to go right?

I don't understand.

quiz. A little quiz.

What popular game is this?

Greetings, salutations, and may your
poppadoms never perish.

Well, did you get it?

Hide and seek.

I'm a new man now. I don't look.

I look in the mirror.

That's the wrong mirror.

I've got no head.

Oh, it's the wrong way around.

Mirror, mirror in the hand.

Who's the is in the land.

Well, that's a silly question.

Oh, it's hot in here.

That's my fiancée. She mustn't see me
like this.

beyond the forbidden bounds where no man
has dared to venture. How could I

forget? No, no, no, no.

Today, I have made the greatest
discovery since Madame Curie discovered

and since Michael Miles invented tedium.

I'll show you, Alice.

Oh.

Now, in a moment, you shall see.

I didn't write it.

But I came to see the doctor.

Well, I'm his assistant, Mr Hyde.

Are you a qualified doctor?

Of course I'm qualified.

I go to six hospitals a week.

I'm a very sick doctor.

I'll examine you. Oh, please do, doctor.

Because every time I do this, it hurts.

Well, don't do it.

Cough. Cough.

And again.

Got a nasty cough there.

into the covers and you get green
stamps.

What sort of medicine will I get?

I've just told you, green stamps.

But what good will they do my spots?

Well, you can cover them all over with
green stamps.

But what happens when I'm covered all
over in green stamps?

Well, then I hand you in for a frying
pan.

Take this out for breakfast.

What is it?

Lunch. Oh.

Right, next.

Come on, get on with it, you great fool.

All right, all right, all right.

Right, it's Jekyll's turn now.

Where's the lotion?

Where's the recipe?

Get on with it.

What have

I done? What have I done?

This vile liquid courses through my
every vein.

Oh, that this too -too -solid flesh
would melt.

Thaw and resolve itself into a dew.

My life is done.

My race is run, so told the ghostly
bell.

My end is nigh.

Yet ere I die, I cry.

Oh, flipping hell.

But you're supposed to be my alter ego,
my other self. How can we both be here

at the same time?

Well, if I wasn't here, how could we do
the song?

After you.

I'm Dr.

Jenkins.

You've been welcomed to the show. And
I've reached a brand new low.

Absolutely, Dr. Jeff.

Positively.

Yeah.