All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1970 s01e04 February 28, 1970

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:24,389 --> 00:00:26,130 It's Tommy Cooper! 2 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,120 very much, ladies and gentlemen. 3 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,780 You've all no doubt seen that wonderful trick I've shown a lady in half. 4 00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:50,019 You have? 5 00:00:50,020 --> 00:00:51,020 What the hell with it? 6 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,660 I shall never forget the last time I did that. I can see it now. The lights, the 7 00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:57,140 applause, the costumes, the blood. 8 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,680 Just before the show, the producer said to me, he said, how are you tonight? 9 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:04,700 I said, well, I'm feeling a little bit funny. 10 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:07,120 He said, well, get out there before it wears off. 11 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:18,380 I went to the local cinema the last night and I saw the slimy, one -eyed, 12 00:01:18,380 --> 00:01:19,380 -man monster. 13 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,400 He's been a manager of their phrases. 14 00:01:28,340 --> 00:01:33,220 Do you know, last week, because we got a load of this, last week, an insurance 15 00:01:33,220 --> 00:01:36,760 man came up to me, you see, and he said to me, I said, I've got plenty of 16 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,260 insurance. He said, no, he said, just listen first. 17 00:01:39,940 --> 00:01:42,440 See? He said, are you listening? I said, yes, I am. 18 00:01:43,620 --> 00:01:44,620 So, no, I was. 19 00:01:45,820 --> 00:01:48,880 And I looked at him, I looked at him like that, I looked him square in the 20 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:55,220 yeah, square eyes, and I said to him, he said, look, you pay tuppence a week for 21 00:01:55,220 --> 00:02:01,120 50 years, that's all, and when you get to 90, you get £100. 22 00:02:03,260 --> 00:02:05,200 He said, I know it's not much, but it's a starting line. 23 00:02:10,870 --> 00:02:14,210 You know, we've been rehearsing the shows, which you know, and a couple of 24 00:02:14,210 --> 00:02:17,350 nights ago I was leaving late, see, and I was going home, I had two bags with 25 00:02:17,350 --> 00:02:21,310 me, and I'm just... Grips, grips. 26 00:02:22,730 --> 00:02:25,650 And, well, you know, a policeman can stop you after midnight, can't they? 27 00:02:25,730 --> 00:02:26,730 They're allowed to do that. 28 00:02:27,210 --> 00:02:28,210 Am I right? 29 00:02:28,890 --> 00:02:29,869 There are, aren't they? 30 00:02:29,870 --> 00:02:32,130 So this policeman stopped me, and he said, what have you got in that grip 31 00:02:32,390 --> 00:02:33,390 A bit harsh, he was. 32 00:02:35,070 --> 00:02:36,790 I said, in there, I've got sugar from a tea. 33 00:02:37,390 --> 00:02:38,390 He said, what have you got in that one? 34 00:02:38,590 --> 00:02:39,790 I said, I've got sugar from a coffee. 35 00:02:40,340 --> 00:02:42,100 And he took his little truncheon out, he went, boom! 36 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,140 He said, there's a lump of your purple. 37 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:50,080 What 38 00:02:50,080 --> 00:03:00,800 happened 39 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:01,800 then? What happened? 40 00:03:02,780 --> 00:03:03,780 Now, you get this ball here. 41 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:04,840 Good evening. 42 00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:11,960 You get this ball here like this, you see. 43 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,060 Anything I can do for you? 44 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:17,700 Possibly, yes. My name is Winterbottom. 45 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,160 That's a bit chilly for you. 46 00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:26,360 But don't mind me, Mr Cooper. Carry on. Oh, thank you. 47 00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:30,460 I'm just doing a trick with a ball, you know. 48 00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:35,460 Just throw it there like that, you see. Push it in the hand there like that. 49 00:03:35,540 --> 00:03:37,300 Boop. Just appears there. Go in your pocket. 50 00:03:37,690 --> 00:03:38,710 And then it is there like that, look. 51 00:03:47,450 --> 00:03:50,110 One, two, three balls there like that. Now watch this very, very closely. 52 00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:53,410 Here we go. I want you to pay a lot of attention to this because later on I 53 00:03:53,410 --> 00:03:54,410 shall ask questions. 54 00:04:01,350 --> 00:04:03,010 I've placed one ball in my pocket, like that. 55 00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:05,330 One ball in the hand and one in the pocket. Everybody's in the hand. 56 00:04:07,070 --> 00:04:08,850 Now look, we'll start again. Three balls there like that. 57 00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:15,130 And two, look. One, two, three. Everybody's in the hand, quick. 58 00:04:15,810 --> 00:04:17,050 Two, no, one. How's that? 59 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:22,970 Look, 60 00:04:25,930 --> 00:04:26,930 who are you? 61 00:04:28,030 --> 00:04:29,030 I'm a censor. 62 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,070 My card. 63 00:04:31,990 --> 00:04:32,990 Well, there's nothing on it. 64 00:04:33,350 --> 00:04:34,550 Naturally, it's been censored. 65 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,900 Saves me a fortune in printing costs. 66 00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:41,540 Oh, I see. 67 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:48,220 Ada Spade, or Rana Spade, does anything I say, come down. 68 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,240 Oh, thank you. 69 00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:56,200 I say, what are you doing here? 70 00:04:57,420 --> 00:04:59,880 Well, it's my job to see that nothing offensive creeps into the show. 71 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,500 Well, no -one's watching. Why don't you creep back out again? 72 00:05:08,140 --> 00:05:11,900 Tell me, Mr Cooper, have you read the ITA rule book? 73 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,560 No, but I saw the film with Doris Day and Bazarath. 74 00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:17,200 Bone. Got a bone stuck up my throat. 75 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,300 Very amusing. 76 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:24,520 The rule I'm referring to is one which says that no offensive material must be 77 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:25,520 used in television shows. 78 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:28,080 Those glasses, for instance, those ought to go. 79 00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:31,520 Why? Well, glasses suggest drinking. 80 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:33,460 Drinking suggests alcohol. 81 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,920 And alcohol suggests alcoholism. 82 00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:38,780 I think we'd better get rid of those. 83 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:42,920 Family show, Mr Cooper. 84 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:44,599 Carry on, please. 85 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:45,600 Thank you. 86 00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:51,740 Right, for my next trick, before I start, I'd like to show you there's 87 00:05:51,740 --> 00:05:52,740 up my sleeve. 88 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:53,760 See? 89 00:05:54,380 --> 00:05:55,460 There is nothing up my sleeve. 90 00:05:58,020 --> 00:05:59,040 Here's a trick with the packed cards. 91 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,340 Just a moment, Mr Cooper. 92 00:06:01,980 --> 00:06:02,980 Not the cards, please. 93 00:06:03,140 --> 00:06:04,140 Why not? 94 00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:07,020 Well, cards suggest gambling, and that's one of the evils of our society. No, 95 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,160 I'd better get rid of those. 96 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,620 It's a family show, remember? 97 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,780 A bunch of flowers, a pair of scissors, watch very closely now. Stop, stop. 98 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,200 Now, watch better now. What are you doing? 99 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,980 Well, just a bunch of flowers. Just a bunch of flowers? 100 00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:23,500 Just a bunch of flowers? 101 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,640 And you're going to destroy them by cutting their heads off with scissors? 102 00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:27,900 Well, it's only a trick. 103 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:30,720 I mean, I'll go woof all of that, and they'll appear back on there again. Oh, 104 00:06:30,780 --> 00:06:31,780 murderer. 105 00:06:35,950 --> 00:06:37,430 Here's a gun. Now, watch very closely. Stop! 106 00:06:39,070 --> 00:06:41,870 No guns. No, no. Guns definitely out. That incites violence. 107 00:06:42,130 --> 00:06:43,130 No, I can't take any more. 108 00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:46,530 That's all I can take from you. What? I've had enough. Right. Okay, thank you 109 00:06:46,530 --> 00:06:47,530 very much. 110 00:06:47,870 --> 00:06:48,870 What are you doing? 111 00:06:49,010 --> 00:06:51,550 I've just had enough. What do you mean? Hey! Oh, no! 112 00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:52,589 Oh, stop! 113 00:06:52,590 --> 00:06:54,290 Oh, Duke! Put me down! 114 00:06:57,150 --> 00:07:02,470 What's happened, mister? 115 00:07:02,910 --> 00:07:05,240 Who are those people? Well, that was my wife and kids. 116 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,400 They always come to the studio. 117 00:07:08,660 --> 00:07:09,680 It's a family show, remember? 118 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,580 Other people's jobs. 119 00:07:24,220 --> 00:07:28,100 Welcome to Other People's Jobs, the informative television feature which 120 00:07:28,100 --> 00:07:30,620 young people to decide what they want to do with their lives. 121 00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:36,040 And this week we suggest some exciting sports you can choose from, as we say, 122 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,640 you want to be a sportsman. 123 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,160 I'd like to see the all -in wrestling. 124 00:07:46,420 --> 00:07:47,420 Five shins? 125 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,020 Yes, certainly. Thank you very much. 126 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:59,060 And now for the winner of the championship, 127 00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:00,460 the man who... 128 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:05,100 23 rounds, had thrown the most powerful right hook in the history of fighting. 129 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,220 Rocky Figgins! 130 00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:13,500 Oh, 131 00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:19,940 what's this for? 132 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,200 Oh, good luck. 133 00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:27,320 One, two, three, four, five. 134 00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:28,900 Just a minute. 135 00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:30,220 I'll do the counting. 136 00:08:30,620 --> 00:08:31,620 Get a doctor. 137 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,539 I feel great. 138 00:08:40,140 --> 00:08:41,860 Never been so fit in all my life. 139 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,280 All right, Cooper, you're on. 140 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:54,440 How are you feeling, Tom? Great, really great. 141 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,080 All right, nice and loose. Ready? 142 00:09:00,330 --> 00:09:01,470 Look at my opponent over there. 143 00:09:02,010 --> 00:09:03,010 Just look at him. 144 00:09:03,930 --> 00:09:05,550 His little short legs and flat head. 145 00:09:06,810 --> 00:09:07,810 That's the two. 146 00:09:09,610 --> 00:09:13,070 That woman told me you're doing great. Lost six or seven rounds. He hasn't laid 147 00:09:13,070 --> 00:09:13,969 a glove on you. 148 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,070 No? Well, keep your eye on the referee. 149 00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:17,530 Somebody's hitting me. 150 00:09:33,260 --> 00:09:35,320 take you to a bridge somewhere in London. 151 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,100 Quick, quick, there's a man in the river. 152 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,540 A man in the river? Yes. 153 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,640 Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. 154 00:09:51,060 --> 00:09:52,160 Who said that? He did. 155 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,420 Who did? The man in the river. I tell you, there's a man in the river. 156 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:00,760 You're right, there is a man in the river. Now, somebody ought to jump in 157 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:01,439 save him. 158 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:02,620 Do you know, I've just got to say that myself. 159 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,400 Somebody should jump in there and save him. Yeah, well, I would, but I can't 160 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,540 swim. You can't swim? No. 161 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:10,660 Well, it's easy. Look, just do this, look. Put your hands like that first. 162 00:10:10,660 --> 00:10:11,559 can't. Just try. 163 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:15,400 Just try. Do that, and then do that. Now turn. I'll never learn. You will. Just 164 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,420 try. Like that. Turn, and like that. That's it. Hold. 165 00:10:18,620 --> 00:10:19,800 Go on. There, there. 166 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,460 That's it. Oh, no. Lovely. 167 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,160 Go on, like that. Now kick your leg like that as well. 168 00:10:24,380 --> 00:10:25,380 Help! 169 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:26,960 He's coming. He's coming. 170 00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:32,830 a born swimmer. Not so difficult, is it? 171 00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:34,610 Now, keep going. Now, get on the ledge. 172 00:10:35,070 --> 00:10:36,009 I'm coming with you. 173 00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:37,010 There you go. 174 00:10:37,550 --> 00:10:39,010 Now, jump in. 175 00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:40,210 Oh, no, no. 176 00:10:40,470 --> 00:10:41,470 Oh, 177 00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:46,830 I forgot to tell you. When you're doing that, breathe in and out like that. 178 00:10:49,590 --> 00:10:51,310 Almost to get out. Oh, you're out. 179 00:10:53,370 --> 00:10:54,370 He's out. 180 00:10:54,570 --> 00:10:55,570 Oh, good. 181 00:10:55,590 --> 00:10:56,790 It's all right. He's out. 182 00:10:58,430 --> 00:11:00,270 He jumped in to save you, you know. 183 00:11:00,590 --> 00:11:01,590 No, he's in trouble. 184 00:11:01,690 --> 00:11:02,609 Can you swim? 185 00:11:02,610 --> 00:11:03,910 No, of course I can't swim. 186 00:11:04,150 --> 00:11:06,010 Well, no, it's easy. They just do that and that. 187 00:11:07,510 --> 00:11:09,010 Kick your leg like that at the same time. 188 00:11:09,430 --> 00:11:10,430 See, like that. 189 00:11:10,890 --> 00:11:14,290 Oh, you're out now? Yes. Oh, look at the time. I must be going. 190 00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:15,590 Here, hang on a minute. 191 00:11:16,130 --> 00:11:17,130 Can you swim? 192 00:11:17,590 --> 00:11:18,590 I'm a swimming instructor. 193 00:11:18,890 --> 00:11:20,470 Well, why didn't you jump in the river? 194 00:11:20,750 --> 00:11:21,750 It was my day off. 195 00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:28,770 In our studio this evening, we're very proud and privileged to have with us... 196 00:11:28,990 --> 00:11:33,290 England's greatest naval hero, Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson. 197 00:11:44,250 --> 00:11:46,190 I got the patch over the good eye again. 198 00:11:48,350 --> 00:11:49,770 Oh, good evening. Good evening. 199 00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:53,830 First of all, may I ask you a question? What do you regard as the most palpable 200 00:11:53,830 --> 00:11:57,590 consequence of your victory at Trafalgar? Was it A, the total 201 00:11:57,590 --> 00:12:02,110 Bonaparte's rapacious annexations, or B, the resounding validation of British 202 00:12:02,110 --> 00:12:03,290 nautical preeminence? 203 00:12:03,530 --> 00:12:04,530 Yes. 204 00:12:06,690 --> 00:12:07,690 Yes what? 205 00:12:08,270 --> 00:12:09,290 You can ask me a question. 206 00:12:10,190 --> 00:12:11,830 Yes. On the other hand... Yes? 207 00:12:12,130 --> 00:12:13,410 I've got four fingers and a thumb. 208 00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:20,130 Let me ask you about the Battle of Trafalgar. 209 00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:21,900 Oh! That was my famous victory. 210 00:12:22,180 --> 00:12:23,860 You took the words out of my mouth. 211 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,360 I'm sorry, I didn't know you were friends with him. 212 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,460 Although at Trafalgar you were outnumbered 33 to 27, you still managed 213 00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:31,900 Now, what do you put that down to? 214 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:33,240 Expenses. 215 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:39,240 During the Trafalgar engagement, how did you manage to divert the French and 216 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,240 Spanish warships? Ah, well, I had something up my sleeve. 217 00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:43,880 You could have fooled me. 218 00:12:47,340 --> 00:12:49,200 It's just a joke you see about your sleeve. 219 00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:52,060 There's no arm in it. 220 00:12:52,820 --> 00:12:53,180 Do 221 00:12:53,180 --> 00:13:02,540 you 222 00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:04,440 know what I like about you? No, what? Nothing. 223 00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:12,120 It was during the Trafalgar engagement that you sent off your most famous 224 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,720 message. England expects every man this day to do his duty. 225 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,380 No, I didn't say that. No, what did you say? 226 00:13:16,580 --> 00:13:18,810 I said... Boat 24 coming a half an hour's up. 227 00:13:23,050 --> 00:13:28,510 And, uh, looking back on Trafalgar, looking back on Trafalgar, what would 228 00:13:28,510 --> 00:13:30,230 have done if you'd been in Napoleon's shoes? 229 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:31,810 Limp. 230 00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:36,230 Now, 231 00:13:37,270 --> 00:13:41,310 earlier in your career, I believe you went to the West Indies, and while 232 00:13:41,390 --> 00:13:43,730 I understand you came down with a very rare tropical disease. 233 00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,090 Yes, Joe Blaine's. 234 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,100 1993, you first met Lady Hamilton. 235 00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:52,740 That's right. And do you know what she said to me? No. 236 00:13:52,940 --> 00:13:53,940 Correct. 237 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:00,480 Please. 238 00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:02,080 Please, please, please. 239 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,560 No, no, no. That's what I said. 240 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,260 Please stop messing about. 241 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:07,560 That's what her husband said. 242 00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:13,240 Finally, Lord Horatio, I wonder if you have any advice for any young viewers 243 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,100 may be watching and may be considering taking up a naval career. 244 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:17,440 Certainly. 245 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:21,240 Boys, I think there's no greater life than the sea. To feel the salt spray 246 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:24,880 coming over you and the deck heaving under your feet and the waves going up 247 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,660 down, getting higher and higher, and you're going up and down. 248 00:14:29,140 --> 00:14:30,500 Up and down. 249 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:32,340 Up and down. 250 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,340 Up and down. 251 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,280 Up and down. 252 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:37,640 Up and down. 253 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,460 Great discoveries of our time. 254 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:46,300 Tonight we salute the greatest force ever harnessed by man, electricity. 255 00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:56,230 Good morning, madam. I come to read to me, sir. Oh, yes, you know where it is. 256 00:14:56,410 --> 00:14:57,410 Yes, thank you. 257 00:15:08,510 --> 00:15:10,590 Now, once upon a time... 258 00:15:10,590 --> 00:15:17,330 Well, sir, madam, have you 259 00:15:17,330 --> 00:15:19,030 decided which fridge you prefer? 260 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:24,380 Well, we like the larger one really, but before deciding definitely, I think 261 00:15:24,380 --> 00:15:26,880 we'd like to sleep on it. Of course, naturally. 262 00:15:30,940 --> 00:15:34,960 Excuse me, could you show me how this electric cooker works? 263 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,220 Oh, it's not electric, madam. 264 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,060 It works on North Sea gas. 265 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,280 Look, I'll show you. 266 00:15:50,410 --> 00:15:53,430 Good morning, madam. I'm from the electricity board. I believe you made a 267 00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,190 over your last bill. Yes, that's right. 268 00:15:55,430 --> 00:15:58,050 Well, if there's any trouble, they always send me along to settle it. 269 00:15:58,590 --> 00:15:59,810 Oh, God. 270 00:16:03,370 --> 00:16:05,270 Can you take recorder, Tommy? Yes. 271 00:16:05,630 --> 00:16:06,630 Great. 272 00:16:06,730 --> 00:16:07,730 I'll play it for you. 273 00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:12,550 Dear Mum, I'm fine. Love, Tommy. 274 00:16:13,530 --> 00:16:14,530 I'll play it back for you. 275 00:16:32,330 --> 00:16:33,730 Show the brightness down a bit, will you? 276 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,230 What are you doing, love? 277 00:16:38,970 --> 00:16:41,950 Oh, it's all right, love. I'm just wiring up your mum's Christmas present. 278 00:16:49,590 --> 00:16:52,070 Oh, you haven't put the light out. 279 00:16:52,690 --> 00:16:53,690 Well, it's your turn. 280 00:16:53,830 --> 00:16:56,110 No, it isn't. Now, go on, put the light out. 281 00:16:56,550 --> 00:16:57,550 Well, all right, then. 282 00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:12,790 Good morning, madam. 283 00:17:12,869 --> 00:17:14,930 I've come to look at your meter. Oh, there it is. 284 00:17:15,170 --> 00:17:16,170 Oh, thank you. 285 00:17:20,349 --> 00:17:22,589 What's that electricity meter for? 286 00:17:23,089 --> 00:17:24,089 I'm from the gas board. 287 00:17:44,259 --> 00:17:48,340 At last, at last, now for my experiment. 288 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,320 Today I'm going to show them that they were wrong when they laughed at me at 289 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:58,220 university because I said that man had two natures, one good and one evil, and 290 00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:00,120 that there must be some way of releasing the evil. 291 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,340 They laughed at Gladstone, but he went ahead and invented the bag. 292 00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:08,820 They laughed at Wellington when he invented the boot. 293 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,360 They even laughed at Jock. 294 00:18:22,540 --> 00:18:23,620 This potion will make me bigger. 295 00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:24,820 More powerful. 296 00:18:28,020 --> 00:18:29,100 More evil. 297 00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:32,940 Have 298 00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:42,600 you 299 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,380 ever had one of those days when nothing seemed to go right? 300 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,440 I don't understand. 301 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:16,819 quiz. A little quiz. 302 00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:18,020 What popular game is this? 303 00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:22,100 Greetings, salutations, and may your poppadoms never perish. 304 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:24,540 Well, did you get it? 305 00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:26,420 Hide and seek. 306 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:32,900 I'm a new man now. I don't look. 307 00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:34,180 I look in the mirror. 308 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,160 That's the wrong mirror. 309 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,199 I've got no head. 310 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:41,200 Oh, it's the wrong way around. 311 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:44,780 Mirror, mirror in the hand. 312 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,420 Who's the is in the land. 313 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,500 Well, that's a silly question. 314 00:19:51,740 --> 00:19:52,740 Oh, it's hot in here. 315 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,200 That's my fiancée. She mustn't see me like this. 316 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,840 beyond the forbidden bounds where no man has dared to venture. How could I 317 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,160 forget? No, no, no, no. 318 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,480 Today, I have made the greatest discovery since Madame Curie discovered 319 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,920 and since Michael Miles invented tedium. 320 00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:48,660 I'll show you, Alice. 321 00:20:51,860 --> 00:20:52,860 Oh. 322 00:20:53,580 --> 00:20:54,900 Now, in a moment, you shall see. 323 00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:15,380 I didn't write it. 324 00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:17,160 But I came to see the doctor. 325 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,300 Well, I'm his assistant, Mr Hyde. 326 00:21:19,540 --> 00:21:22,400 Are you a qualified doctor? 327 00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:23,980 Of course I'm qualified. 328 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,080 I go to six hospitals a week. 329 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:27,780 I'm a very sick doctor. 330 00:21:29,340 --> 00:21:31,560 I'll examine you. Oh, please do, doctor. 331 00:21:31,820 --> 00:21:34,300 Because every time I do this, it hurts. 332 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:35,520 Well, don't do it. 333 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,540 Cough. Cough. 334 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:40,019 And again. 335 00:21:40,020 --> 00:21:41,060 Got a nasty cough there. 336 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,520 into the covers and you get green stamps. 337 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:46,620 What sort of medicine will I get? 338 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:47,840 I've just told you, green stamps. 339 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,880 But what good will they do my spots? 340 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,260 Well, you can cover them all over with green stamps. 341 00:21:52,620 --> 00:21:55,020 But what happens when I'm covered all over in green stamps? 342 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,720 Well, then I hand you in for a frying pan. 343 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,040 Take this out for breakfast. 344 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:02,939 What is it? 345 00:22:02,940 --> 00:22:03,940 Lunch. Oh. 346 00:22:04,980 --> 00:22:05,980 Right, next. 347 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,300 Come on, get on with it, you great fool. 348 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:09,560 All right, all right, all right. 349 00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:10,720 Right, it's Jekyll's turn now. 350 00:22:11,700 --> 00:22:12,700 Where's the lotion? 351 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:13,720 Where's the recipe? 352 00:22:15,180 --> 00:22:16,180 Get on with it. 353 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:25,980 What have 354 00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:31,740 I done? What have I done? 355 00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:38,420 This vile liquid courses through my every vein. 356 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,900 Oh, that this too -too -solid flesh would melt. 357 00:22:42,909 --> 00:22:45,750 Thaw and resolve itself into a dew. 358 00:22:46,990 --> 00:22:48,070 My life is done. 359 00:22:48,690 --> 00:22:51,450 My race is run, so told the ghostly bell. 360 00:22:52,030 --> 00:22:53,250 My end is nigh. 361 00:22:54,130 --> 00:22:56,530 Yet ere I die, I cry. 362 00:22:57,190 --> 00:22:58,250 Oh, flipping hell. 363 00:23:00,210 --> 00:23:03,830 But you're supposed to be my alter ego, my other self. How can we both be here 364 00:23:03,830 --> 00:23:04,829 at the same time? 365 00:23:04,830 --> 00:23:07,290 Well, if I wasn't here, how could we do the song? 366 00:23:07,870 --> 00:23:08,870 After you. 367 00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:10,769 I'm Dr. 368 00:23:10,770 --> 00:23:11,770 Jenkins. 369 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:19,740 You've been welcomed to the show. And I've reached a brand new low. 370 00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:21,260 Absolutely, Dr. Jeff. 371 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:22,840 Positively. 372 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:51,920 Yeah. 26491

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