All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1970 s01e03 February 21, 1970

Okay, raise it!

It's Homie Cooper!

Thank

you.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

Agreed, ladies and gentlemen.

Have I got time for more?

But how are you? All right? I hope
you're keeping away from colds and flus.

I feel fit. I feel great, really. I do.

Because I've taken a course of
penicillin.

Penicillin in tablets, injections.

Every time I sneeze, I cure somebody.

Bit of rope there like that. You just
place it there like that.

That's not bad, is it?

Thank you.

Here's a quick joke. A little boy goes
into a fish chip shop and he says, I'd

like six penny worth of chips, please.

So the man gets the paper like that,
puts the chips in there, wraps them all

He said, here you are, son.

He said, have you put any vinegar on?

He said, God dear, oh dear.

Unwraps the paper like that, puts the
vinegar on like that, wraps it up again.

And the boy said, a bit of salt.

So he undoes it, puts the salt on.

He said, you want jam on it, don't you?
And the boy said, yeah, what kind of jam

have you got?

Do I look a bit upset to you?

Because I got home last night.

And I found my car in the dining room.

I said to my wife, I said, how did you
get there? She said, it was easy. I've

made a left turn at the kitchen.

And, funny enough, is it funny enough?
Yeah, funny enough.

I cut up laughing. I know what's coming
next.

It's my wife's birthday next week,
because I never know what to get her. I

really. I don't know whether to get her
a box of chocolates, a diamond ring, fur

coat, or a new car.

That's what I get her, a box of
chocolates.

Here's a little trick, which I'd like to
show you now.

Of course, isn't it hot? There's all
these lights.

I used to wash my hair in vinegar.

I gave it up. The chips kept it in the
way.

Here's a little trick now with the cup
and ball.

Here's the cup, here's the ball.

Ball, cup, cup, ball, ball, cup, cup,
ball.

Cup, ball, ball, cup, cup, ball.

Solid there like that.

Just put them through there like that,
right?

Now the idea of the trick is this. Can
you all see the ball?

Yes? I put the ball in there like that.
I just give it a shake. And the idea of

the trick is this.

You've got to guess whether the ball is
in the pocket or it's under the cup.

In the ball or under the cup. All right?

Okay. Right, we'll start. Here's the
ball. No, we'll start.

Here's the ball. I place it in there
like that, you see? There like that,

Now,

where's the ball?

Where's the ball?

Is it in the pocket or it's under the
cup? Where is it? In the pocket.

You're quite right.

Ball there like that. Ball there. Now,
where is it now?

Right,

where is it now?

Another cut.

Right, where is it now?

My teeth itch.

You get the ball there like that, some
say there's a hole in the cup, it goes

boop, it goes right through there like
that. Now look, this time, I'll tell you

what I'm going to do.

I place the ball there like that, you
see, and I place it in the pocket, and I

take it right through there like that,
and I throw it at someone. Now, would

be so kind as to throw it towards the
cup?

Did you see it go?

Yes?

Quite right there it is there like that.

All right, I do it once again.

I push it in there like that, like that.

Push it right through there like that.

Did that surprise you?

Yeah, this is what surprised me

Well, I'll show it for you.

It's

dark

in there.

Keep going, you fool. Keep going.

A foreman on a billiard side.

He looks at the man at the top of the
ladder and he says, You!

Get your money and your cards, you're
finished, isn't it?

He says, Get your money and your cards,
you're finished, isn't it?

He says, Get your money and your cards,
you're finished, isn't it?

He says, Oh, I'll sack somebody else.

Welcome to Other People's Jobs.

Welcome to Other People's Jobs, the
informative television feature which

young people to decide what they want to
do with their lives.

And this week we say...

So you want to be a soldier.

We're trapped, surrounded by the enemy
for five days.

I hope we don't get killed until the
post comes.

I expect a parcel from Mum.

Archdeeds, a parcel just come for you.
Oh, good.

What are we waiting for?

This is for my Mum.

What a situation.

Surrounded by half the enemy army, out
of food, out of water, out of ammo.

What are we going to do now?

There's only one thing we can do.

What's that?

Dear, my reproofs.

In a pretty sticky position.

That's our position there. We're
completely surrounded by the enemy.

here, here, here, here, and here.

There's only one thing we can do.

Oh, excuse me, sir. Yes? I think there
is one man who could help us, sir. Who

that? Lieutenant Cooper, sir. Used to do
big game hunting here before the war.

Knows the terrain well. Ah, send him in.
Cooper, coming up.

I believe you can help us with this
situation. We're completely surrounded

the enemy. There we are now.

Yes, I know this country fairly well,
sir.

Well, I feel you. See that little gully
there, sir? Yeah.

Well, I thought if we got some men, go
up there to divert them for a while, you

see. And then get the whole main force
to go through there.

Up to those bunch of trees there. Yes.

And then there's a valley there, you
see, and they're completely hidden. And

they can creep through there, and I'm
sure that is the way. Ah, but...

We're

completely outnumbered. We'll have to
withdraw.

I'm afraid you're right.

Bugler, sound the retreat.

I wish you'd buy me a boogaloo.

In fact, one of the most married men
ever.

He's Henry VIII. He is.

Look at that. Tommy Cooper.

Good evening. Good evening, Your
Majesty.

Look at that, look.

Like that? Yes. As I said, there's no
money about.

I'll stick with it.

I'll stick without it.

Tell me, Henry VIII.

Don't call me Henry VIII.

No? No, call me by my middle name. Oh,
what's that?

V.

You were happy as a young prince, and
then one morning in 1509, you woke up a

king. Yes, he was furious.

You came to the throne after a
particularly turbulent period of British

Who, in your opinion, was responsible
for the War of the Roses?

Norman Bourne.

The history books tell us that in your
youth you were a very great swordsman.

Oh, I still am.

Really? I mean, only yesterday I cut a
man with my trusty blade. While you were

duelling? No, while I was shaving. Look.

Is it true that when you were only 18
you fought off some French spies who

to kill Anne Boleyn? Yes, that's quite
true. Really? Yes, I said, away, you

scurvy dogs.

That's what I said.

Or somebody said it. I said it. Yes.

I said, don't you dare touch a hair of
the Queen's head. Really? Which was

silly. Why? Well, she was born.

If you're still in fighting trim, Your
Majesty, perhaps you'd care to

demonstrate to our audience some of your
swashbuckling feet.

Oh, I can't do that. Why not? Because I
swashed my buckle last night and I can't

do a thing with it.

You founded the Royal Navy, didn't you?

I can't, no.

You founded the Royal Navy, didn't you?

reason was the Navy founded?

Well, it was losted.

King Henry, why did you have six wives?

Well, I got married six times.

Apart from that, of course, you were
known as a great athlete. Now, how did

train? Well, I had six wives.

And you built the Hampton Court Maze.
Now, what did you build that for?

For my six mother -in -laws. Really?

I may be an idiot, but I'm no fool.

Tell me, Your Majesty, when were you
first married?

1502. And I was a minor, and I had to
get permission. Who from?

The co -board.

Your first wife was, of course... Your
first wife was Catherine of Aragon.

Now, tell me, this was, I believe, a
runaway marriage, wasn't it? Yes, it

And when did you decide to run away?

Two days after I was married.

Next you married...

You married Anne Boleyn.

Anne Boleyn. Can you remember the day
you had her executed?

What was that? I was... I was talking to
you about Anne Boleyn.

You remember Anne Boleyn? Yes. Can you
remember the day you had her executed?

Yes, I can. It was... It was at
lunchtime. Really? Yes. I got chicken.

And she got the job.

In having disposed of Anne Boleyn, in
1535, you married again. This time it

Jane... Yes, yes, yes, I know who you
mean. A very pretty girl, very pretty

girl. She used to wear very low -cut
dresses.

Seymour? I certainly did.

In 1570, then you met Anne of Cleves.

Yes, she was head over heels in love
with me.

Head over heels in love with me. And
when did you first realise that? When I

her feet go past the window.

Because Anne of Cleves was known as the
Flanders Mayor. Now, do you know why

they called her that?

Well, there was something she did on her
honeymoon. Oh, what was that?

She won the Grand National.

Your next wife was Catherine Howard.

Catherine Howard, can you remember why
you executed her?

Yes, because she smoked in bed.

But a lot of wives smoke in bed.

What, face down?

The 16th century, when you lived, Your
Majesty, was an exceptionally violent

time. I mean, you put a lot of people to
death, didn't you? Oh, yes, my enemies,

of course. I mean, if they asked too
many questions, I got rid of them quick.

What are these for, these goblets?

Ah, well, that was one of the methods I
used.

Oh, really? Because in there, inside one
of those, is poison.

But I don't know which one. Ah, see.

Do have a drink.

No, thank you. You first.

All right.

I think I can safely say cheers.

See,

he asked too many questions.

Tonight,

civilization and its survival take the
searching look at a commodity which is

essential to our continued existence.

Good evening, madam. Good evening, sir.
Good evening. Welcome to the Top Hat

Club. We'd like a table near the floor.

Certainly.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I love these dinner dances.

Ah, there she lives, the fair Roxanne.

Oh, how great is my love for her. She
has everything that a man could ask for,

and I can hardly wait to ask her for it.

Oh, would I were not too shy, too craven
and too slow. A friend I need, my cause

to please.

Why, here comes Cyrano.

Aye, Sir Richard.

Good Serrano, I need your help.

I'm sorry.

Is the night off?

No, no, no.

There is a young maid of the city.

It's not dirty, is it? No.

I'm referring to the fair Roxanne, whom
I would unite with commutable bliss.

I thought you said it wasn't dirty.

You'll need to understand, I love
Roxanne, but I cannot tell her.

Oh, how I envy you, your eloquence. The
golden flow of beautiful words ever at

your command.

True, true.

Yet I, a muddy metal drab poltroon,

tame of speech and tame of tongue, with
none of your tempestuous torrent of

verbal vivacity. I'm mute. Yes, mute.

Mute. Well, I... Hold on, there's one
more.

Mute.

Well, I... Before the silken splendour
of my love, I am as silent as the stones

upon the shore.

As still as the clouds that scud the
sky.

As still as the very sarcophagus of
Tutankhamen. Can you but plead my

suit by proxy? Will you avow my truth as
twirl your own?

Certainly. There's just one question.
What's this?

What the hell are you talking about?

I want you to stand here and speak of
love to Roxanne upon the balcony yonder.

It's a pleasure, pleasure.

How can I ever thank you?

Money. No, more than that.

More money.

I'll have anything you wish.

Really? Well, if that's the case... Yes?

Scratch my nose, will you?

Oh,

lovely.

Who's there?

It is my love.

Shall I speak to her now?

Yes, speak, speak.

I want you to speak. I dust, I dust.

All right, you dust. I'll polish.

Speak, speak, I pray you.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Testing, testing.

Who's there?

Tell her this.

Your lover pants to be discovered.

Your other pants are in the cupboard.

My dumb heart has ached for lack of your
kisses.

Your plum tart is baked. Go back to your
missus.

You ugly fool, what do you think you're
doing?

You great ugly fool, what do you think
you're doing? I've got that right. I've

got that right.

I think we're getting through to her.
Now we're getting through.

You've got to wish. You've only to wish
for a doughty, bold lover.

You've got to wash your dirty old
scrubber.

If you have offended her, you long
-nosed mountebank!

Plum de batant!

For that, I shall stab you.

Name your weapon.

Right.

I name you Gillette Wilkerson.

It's good, isn't it?

Thank you, Mike. Thank you, Bernie.

My heart!

My heart!

Under your arm.

A mist gathers before my eyes.

My beloved Paris is waiting.

Thank you. Thank you.

A great dark black bottomless pit is
opening before me. I'm sinking into it.

Down and down. Down I go.

Round and round I go.

In a spin.

Loving that spin I'm in. I know that old
black magic called love.

Old black magic. That old black magic.
That old black magic called love.

He wasn't all that good.

Farewell. Yes, yes.

Good sir, farewell.

Oh. This is my last adieu. Iman brav.
Now is the hour for me to say goodbye.

All right, you win.

Soon I'll be sailing far across the sea.

Enjoy the show.

Tell me, my love, if I have a faint leap
from this balcony into your waiting

arms. She's going to tell me they're
wrong. Yes, sir.