All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1970 s00e02 Easter Special

The Sheik of Araby, 4 .30.

It's Tommy Cooper!

Ha ha ha!

I'm awfully sorry about the delay,
ladies and gentlemen.

Unfortunately, all the lights have gone
out backstage and we've all had to get

dressed in the dark.

But we'll be all ready in just a moment.

Yes, right. Ladies and gentlemen, we're
ready to start now. So here he is. It's

Tommy Cooper!

Hello.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, we had a little bit of a
bother up there.

I'm used to dressing in the dark.

I'm used to it. What?

The bow tie. I thought I wasn't that
tall.

Is it raining? What is it?

Ladies and gentlemen, Eric Sykes.

Somebody's... The lights are gone.
Somebody's pitched my jacket.

I just said that. Somebody's taken mine.

Two jackets?

Yes. That's not right. That's not right,
is it, Mr. Rees? No. Two jackets in one

night? That's not good, is it? It's not
right.

I mean, I don't mind a pair of braces or
a sock.

I mean, that's dressers' perks.

Yes. I saw that.

Yes. But I don't... Excuse me, Mr.

Sykes. Just a suggestion.

Yes, Mr. Rees. It might not work, but
just a suggestion. Why don't you change

jackets?

But, you know, we're these waiting in
salt.

Go on.

We're not the same size, aren't we? Not
with me, with him.

Oh, with him? Right.

All right. I don't mind.

I'll change jacket and I'll tell you
what I'll do. Yes. I'll get on the

Get on the blower. I'll get on the
police to West End Central. Yes. Well,

not the Waverleys?

No, you'll get a better class of
policemen up at West End.

You know? Really? I'll get on the blower
now, shall I? Right you are. Get on the

blower. Can you manage? I can manage,
yes. Right. I can manage.

Right?

Oh, that's better, isn't it?

Here's a little trick now with Charlie's
Lincoln ring.

My father used to do this trick.

Big man, my father. Didn't have hair on
his chest.

Twigs.

Thank you Thank you very much Why don't
you sit in the audience

Now to get them apart, I saw you do a
little shake like this, and they drop

apart, they probably aren't very hard.

when he threw a camera shot the other
day, and I said to this man, he was

down behind the counter, right down he
was, I said, have you got any for

hiccups?

See?

He's right there. I said, have you got
any for hiccups?

And he got up, kind of like that, and he
ran across the face with a towel.

I said, what did he do that for?

He said, you haven't got hiccups now,
have you?

I said, I never had them. It's when my
wife opened the car.

You should have come to make -up before
the show. Well, I've been to make -up.

Oh, have you? Yeah. It doesn't look
good, does it?

I don't know. I bet I already had it
done, you see.

Cooper. And now we take a look at a man
whose versatility is unsurpassed, a man

who has done literally everything, and
share just a few of the many lives of

Tommy Cooper.

I've told you, never ring me at work.

I say, how much longer are you going to
be?

Come in now, sir.

Here we are, sir.

Well, what's this?

Well, you tell me you wanted a brown
jersey.

Tonight we deal with liquor, as seen
through the eyes of a variety of people.

Well, now, barman, I'd like something
long and cool.

Right, sir.

Whiskey, sir?

I'm getting soaked.

Chateau Robespierre, 1937, sir. I think
you'll find it's an impertinent little

wine.

Very important.

Barman, could you put a head on this,
please?

Certainly, sir.

Miss, can you change this?

This beer's flat.

Look at that look.

That's my beer.

What are you talking about? That's my
beer. Put it down.

I've just bought it. Put that beer down.

It must be. That's my beer.

Coins from there.

Oops, sorry.

Too many bottles.

Here's the glass, here's the bottle.

I just covered it like that there.

Covered it here like that. Covered the
glass there.

Oops.

Too many bottles.

Here's the bottle, here's the glass.

The bottle will now change place with
the glass.

I've now changed places.

The most difficult part is make them go
back again.

Here's the bottle, here's the glass.

Oh, too many bottles.

Here's the glass, here's the bottle,
here's the glass.

Boom!

Solid plank of wood.

Did you hear that joke about the karate
expert that joined the army?

The first day he saluted, he killed
himself.

Thank you.

Now, the idea of the trick is this.
Three swords.

One, two, three.

As I hit the tide, may I sit in a
moment?

Pick her up and place her on the three
swords.

Like that.

As I take two swords away, I shall be
suspended in mid -air on one sword.

As I now hit the tide.

A lot of doctors say that hypnotism is
from the mind. Well, it's not. It's from

the hips.

Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

Your eyes are getting heavier.

And your back aches.

Your eyelids are getting heavier and
heavier.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Fullback.

On the floor.

On the floor.

Other thanks.

Right.

Wait,

wait, wait, wait.

I'm glad we found our jackets.

Yes.

When he wouldn't To

hold

a whole job

this evening, we're very proud to have
with us a famous biblical character.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Noah!

Good evening, sir. Ah, good evening.

Now... Yes.

Now, sir, about your famous ark. You
built it yourself, I understand. Oh,

did, yes. Out of wood.

Gopher wood? No, I just sent the wife
over.

And what was her name?

Joan. Joan? Yes. Well, you've heard of
Joan of Arc?

But she was made of Orleans.

Yeah, I don't know what she was made of.
I don't know what she was made of.

Well, she was very big, I tell you that.

Enormous. That's why every time she went
on the ark, the ark went... Just like

that.

That's why they called it the ark. I
see.

But to get back to the subject, I
suppose the next thing you did was to

her. Oh, yes. Yes, I cracked a bottle
over her.

And she floated down the river.

And the ark stayed where it was.

I'm sure you were really very fond of
your wife. Oh, yes, she was an angel.

she? Oh, yes, an archangel.

Very useful around here. Oh, very
useful. Yes, she's a man of all the

Well, what sort of lights did you have
on the ark?

Ark lights.

Tell me, sir, why did you build the ark?

I think they're still alive.

Why did you build the ark? I thought I'd
have something saving for a rainy day.

I see. And where did you get all the
wood for it?

Well, I...

A very large tree. I cut down this very
large tree. Oh, I see. And my parents

never forgave me. Why?

Well, they were living in it.

Did you fell all the rest of the trees
as well? No, no. My son, he felled 500.

Felled 500 trees?

He's a lovely fellow.

Yes.

So which part of the ark did you build
first?

The front.

Front? Bow.

Yes, I built the front, then the middle,
then the front. No, no, no, then the

back. After all, you couldn't have had
two front ends for the ark. Oh, yes, we

did. Yeah, well, I forgot to unfold the
plans, you see.

What were the first animals you found to
take with you on your voyage? Two

squirrels over a tree.

Squirrels? What were they doing?
Nothing.

Because you must have known some
fascinating people in your time. For

Goliath. Oh, yes.

He was a horrible lofty.

And then there was Jonah.

Yeah, call him Fish Face.

And then there was that really
frightening man who slew a thousand men

single hand. It's Samson. What did you
call him?

Sir.

Now, sir, about taking wives along on
the voyage, did you draw lots? Yes, and

had mine.

What sort of a man was Lot?

Very strange man. Was he? Oh, very
strange. Yes, he used to feed the

Was there nothing strange about feeding
the monkeys?

To the lions.

Very old joke.

Well, I'm a very old man.

Tell me, is it true that when you went
on board the Ark, all you had on you

the clothes on your back?

That's right. And I was very cold in the
front, I tell you that.

And what was the most unforgettable
moment on the voyage?

Well, when I looked behind, I saw
something following us. My goodness,

it? The pier.

I've forgotten to cast off.

And on what did you feed your animals?

Corn, wheat and goochum.

Gookin? What's gookin? Nothing. What's
gookin with you?

Of course, being on the water so long
must have made some of your animals very

disturbed. Oh, yes, and very nervous.

Really? I mean, the cat swallowed a ball
of wool. Well, what happened? She had

mittens.

And what did the animals do? What did
they do to keep from getting bored?

Well, the duck and the drake used to
dance together.

A duck and a drake dancing together?
Yes, you know, slow, slow, quack, quack,

slow.

Of course, with all those animals on
board, it must have been very noisy at

times. Oh, yes, yes, very noisy. The
lions used the roar, the dogs barked.

did the mice squeak? Only when they were
squoken to.

Tell me, sir, tell me, where did the
animals sleep?

Pardon? Where did the animals sleep?
Well, they all slept on the upper deck.

see. Except Griller. Oh, yes. George the
Griller. George, he was eight feet tall

and had an arm span of six feet. Where
did he sleep?

Anywhere he wanted.

Who are your favourites, sir? The dogs.

I see. Yes, there's one thing I will say
for dogs. And what's that?

And how did you, sir? This is an
interesting question.

How did you personally while away the
time when you were on the ark?

Well, I used to teach a rover, you know,
how to sit up and beg. Oh, that is

interesting. And how long did that take?
About 40 days, 40 nights.

Very clever rover, very clever.

40 days and nights? Well, that's not
very clever.

Just to sit up and beg.

What, for a goldfish?

I believe you've brought along some
animals with you this evening. May we

them? Oh, that's the monkeys.

Oh, yes. Oh, well, it's feeding time.
Would you help me to feed them? Yes, I

will.

Here you are. There's one bag for you.

Here they are, look. All jumping about.

Up there, look.

Hey!

Thank you.