All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1970 s00e01 Christmas Special

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Wonderful taste.

I bet you're wondering what this is,
aren't you?

So am I.

I was in Scarborough last summer.

Anybody been to Scarborough?

Nice place, isn't it?

And I got there, you see, and I went to
this big boarding house, because I was

trying to get in the hotel, but it was
packed out, you know.

So, it was packed. I couldn't get in.

So, I went to this boarding house, and I
knocked on the door, and the landlady

put her head out of the window. She
said, what do you want?

I said, I want to stay here.

She said, you want to stay there? Shut
the window.

And while I was up there, it was a
lovely summer. It was very nice.

And a lovely season up there.

And I went out. I bought one of those,
what do they call them? Skin diving

outfits. You know the thing.

Flippers and everything. Big tank on the
back. You know the thing.

And you can dive under the water. You
know what I mean? You can go right down.

So I went to the bay. I went to the bay,
see?

All on my own.

And I went down, and I dived in, and I
went right down to about 100 feet.

And it was lovely.

Really lovely.

And I'm going along like that, see?

Like that.

I've got the instructions here.

Like that, see?

Then I changed over. I went like that.

See?

Then I got rid of it. I went like that.

I was doing that.

Slow like that.

But I could please myself.

Look at that.

And all of a sudden, right in front of
me, I looked like that.

See?

And I saw a man walking towards me.

On the bottom.

In a sports jacket, grey flannel, and a
flat cap.

I said to myself, there was nobody else
there, and I said to myself, I said to

myself, this is not right.

See? So I went towards him, like that.

See?

And I got right up to him, and I said to
him, see?

I took this big slate out, you know what
I mean?

And I wrote on there, what are you doing
down here?

Walking about in a sports jacket and
grey flannel and a flat cap.

And he took the pad from me and he wrote
on there, I'm drowning.

Thank you.

Here's a little trick.

Bag there, look.

You've got a piece of rope, you cut the
rope in half with a small pair of

scissors.

I placed one in there.

Two in there, undo.

Like that. And the pieces join together.

And now... Why,

why, what?

It's Diana Dawes. No, not Dawes. It's
Dawes, plural.

Oh, yes, I can see you're actually quite
right, yes.

Well, you see, at the moment, you came
right in the middle of a joke. Yes, I

know, I was listening, and I recognised
your voice.

Now, you're the terrible man who's been
ringing me up, making dreadful

suggestions.

Don't be silly.

Me? I don't even know your phone number.

Oh, well, here it is, 2468002.

I've got a very bad throat, I have
really.

I lost my voice completely today.

And I borrowed this throat tonight from
the show.

The producer went mad.

He's still at the vet now.

I went to the doctor, he said, hold your
breath.

I said, all right.

Just like that.

And he said to me, look, I'll look at
the end of your throat.

He said, open your mouth. I went, like
that.

See?

And he looked down and he said, oh yes,
a little raw.

See? So I went, oh.

Oh! Just like that.

He said, look, I'll tell you what I do
now.

He said, I'll test your ears. He said,
because sometimes, when you've got a bad

throat, it can make you slightly deaf.

I said, all right. He said, I'm going to
go to the side, over here, in the wall,

see? I'm going to whisper something to
you, and if you hear me, repeat it. I

said, right. He said, I'm going to stand
here.

And you stand over there.

Like that, see.

So he went over there like that.

And I was over here like that.

And then he went, how now, brown cow.

So I went, how now, brown cow.

And he said, pardon?

And he said, do you know something? He
said, there's a scientific fact that

people with big mouths got very tiny
brains.

See? And I was like that.

And he said, people with very small
mouths got very big brains.

I said, oh, is that so? I didn't know
that.

when I do this particular song, I have a
troupe of boy singers and girl dancers

at the back of me, but unfortunately
they couldn't be here tonight because

they've got the flu.

Luckily, Tommy has consented to do all
the parts for me. Thank you, Tommy. Take

it away.

What, mate? I didn't say that.

Do all the four singers and all the girl
dancers? The boy singers and the girl

dancers. All right, Bob,

hit it.

On a wonderful day like today, I defy
any cloud to appear in the sky, any

raindrop to plop in my eye. On a
wonderful day like today, on

a wonderful morning like this, when the
sun is as bright as a yellow balloon,

even the sparrow...

Let me say furthermore, I'd adore
everybody to come and dine. The

mine. I'll pay the bill. May I take this
occasion to say that the whole...

the 20th century.

We now take a searching look at many
different aspects of the law as seen

through the eyes of a great variety of
people.

Hey, Bert, that borough boy over there
hasn't got a license.

Move him on, will you?

Right.

Oi! Now, you listen to me.

Well, what do you want?

Can I have a banana?

Stand against the wall and don't move.

Stand against the wall and don't move.

Stand against the wall and don't move.

Well, it's cheaper than scaffolding.

Don't you agree?

My lad, I offer a plea of insanity.

Don't be absurd, Mr Cooper. You know
perfectly well your client is not

He's not, but I am.

Now,

a search of Simpkins flat.

revealed a large number of bottles of
stolen liquor, including five bottles of

scotch whiskey, five bottles of brandy,
and 11 bottles of wine.

The clerk of the court, have you got all
that down?

Everything's in the truck.

What is your name?

No questions.

I just want to hear him say it, that's
all.

Now, how would you describe your
condition at the time of your arrest?

Drunk as a judge.

You mean as drunk as a lord?

Yes, my lord.

Yes, I understand you've had a break
-in, is that right?

That's right.

They came in and ransacked the whole
place, they did. Turned the place upside

down. And not only that, they tied my
wife up and put that gag in her mouth.

And when did all this take place, sir?

About three months ago.

And now it's interview time. And in our
studio this evening, we're very

privileged to have with us one of the
truly legendary figures of the American

West. Ladies and gentlemen, Chief
Sipping Bull.

Yeah, right, and a war dance.

Good evening, sir. Good evening.

Good evening, chief.

That

means

good evening?

Yes.

So you can just imagine how expensive
the telegrams are. Oh, yes. So that's

I always use smoke signals, you see. Oh,
I see.

With the pipe. I see.

And when you smoke like that, that means
words or something, does it? That all

means something. Oh, they're all words
coming out. Really?

Oh, I beg your pardon. What's the
matter?

I've just puffed a rude word.

So, first of all, tell us about your
father.

Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hootcha, hootcha, hootcha.

Tell us about your father, sir. He was a
very famous Indian brave, wasn't he?

Oh, yes, he was a very amazing man. Was
he? He could shoot a deer at 50 yards.

Strong bow?

No, long arms.

The great Indian warrior Geronimo must
have been a friend of yours.

I imagine you learned a lot from him.
Oh, I certainly did. He taught me how to

imitate wild animals. Did he really? Oh,
yes.

I say, would you do some for us now?
Certainly. Please. Right.

A wild duck.

Now, another one.

A swallow. A swallow.

Just half.

What's that?

It's a man -eating wolf.

Now another one.

And what's that? A man -eating lion.

And what's that?

A man -eating soup.

How did you get all those wonderful
impressions? I got a lot more, a lot

I got them all from Percy Edwards. You
met him? No, I ate him.

Tell us about your archenemy, General
Custer. Now, was he really the hero that

people would have us believe?

No, no, no. He's a coward.

Was he? We had a nickname for him. What
was that? Cowardly, cowardly Custer.

But, of course, you were eventually
defeated, weren't you? Why do you think

was? Well, because, don't forget the
cavalry, they were lovely big horses,

chestnuts, you know, big things they
were.

You should see my old name. I had bony
knees, mosquito bites, bloodshot eyes,

messy hair, and that was the wife.

You should have seen the horse.

Of course, you did have a very famous
war cry, didn't you? Oh, yeah. It was

that at the sound of it, it was just two
words. And at the sound of those two

words, men would drop their arms and
battles would stop there and then.

Now, tell us, what were those two words?
Let's hear them.

We surrender!

We surrender!

Look! Surrender, surrender, surrender,
surrender.

I was admiring your trousers, sir.
They're high, aren't they? What? They're

high. What? High, high. The cow's
outside.

Oh, bring her in, I must say.

You know, you're next to an idiot.

Yeah, well, move over a bit.

Please, tell us about your wife.

Well,

I met my wife at a dance. I thought she
was looking after the kids.

I went up to her and I said, you are the
most beautiful Indian maid. I bet you

said that to all the girls.

Yeah, the fellas didn't want to know.

And how did you court her?

Well, an old Indian custom.

Really? Yes, the scorn of the brave was
to dive in the water, into the river,

kiss underneath, and then surface. How
charming. And then you became engaged?

Yes, to a hennep.

Now tell us, sir, about the Battle of
Little Bighorn. This was, of course, one

of the greatest events, really, in the
history.

I'm sorry, I have to go. They're calling
me for a powwow.

But what about our little chat?

Ah, I've had a little chat. I'm very
fond of that. But I'd rather have a

now.

I'll let them know.

Don't!

Welcome to Roundup of the Week, a quick
look at some news items you may have

missed in other television news
programmes.

On Monday, our hidden cameras caught a
sneak thief in action in North London.

A few miles away, in a North London back
garden, this incident took place.

Now, look here. If you don't stop your
dog chewing my roses, I'll call the

police. Oh, go away. If you don't, I'll
set my husband on you.

He doesn't frighten me. I'm not afraid
of your husband. I punch him right in

nose. I'll tell you that for a start.
When I see him...

In

Brighton this week, an alert cameraman
recorded this unforgettable moment.

The next day, in a shopping plaza in
Wembley, we filmed this strange

Screamers there.

You've got a lucky face.

Last night, a new opera production
opened in Bristol.

The demand for tickets was enormous.

I'm very sorry.

No more seats inside.

This morning, our cameraman recorded
this priceless piece of film by the side

the Thames.

you over to a counting house somewhere
in London.

of comedy about now in the show.

What do you have in mind?

Well, you know, nothing obvious, because
really I'm sick to death of some of the

things that comedians do, you know, to
try and get laughs. It's just

For instance, I mean, I've seen them do
things, I've seen them do things like

this to get a laugh. Now, wait a minute.

I ask you, is that funny?

That's not funny. That's not funny.

That's not funny.

Now, is that funny?

No, that's not funny either. That's not
funny.

Is that funny? No, that's not funny.

Is that funny?

No, that's not funny.

It's not funny, is it? It's not funny.

It's funny.

No!