All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s04e07

Hello again. It's nice to be with you,
isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And in a

packed programme tonight, we shall be
talking to three French film directors,

Jacques Tati, Jacques Scruffy, and
Jacques Absolutely Falling to Pieces.

And we'll be demonstrating the very
latest brassiere.

It's called the Sheepdog.

It rounds them up and points them in the
right direction.

Then we'll be talking to Mr Herbert
Gudge, who has tattooed the whole of his

body with old masters.

He has a Botticelli on his chest, a
Constable under each arm, a Watto down

back and a Whistler up the front, and
the inscrutable smile of the Mona Lisa

becomes a broad grin whenever he sits
down.

But here first is the news. First, the
economy.

The true state of the country's finances
were revealed today when the Bank of

England announced a closing down sale.

And the pound had another very bad day,
closing at only 2 .4

against the Matabele Gumbo Bee.

But the Prime Minister said today that
the state of the economy was in no way

connected with the arrest this morning
on Dover Beach of a large group of

illegal immigrants who were trying to
leave the country.

Foreign news.

In Kampala this evening, at a farewell
dinner, General Amin toasted the British

delegation. He then sautéed the French
delegation with a few unknowns.

At the end of the world's longest
-running strike, President Thadat... has

announced that work on the pyramids will
be resumed tomorrow.

And here is a message from the Royal
Society for Prevention of Accidents.

most accidents occur in the home, they
advise you to move.

And we've just heard of another business
merger.

Achilles cleaning powders have joined up
with the Scottish distilleries to

produce a cleaner that kills 99 % of all
known germs.

and makes the other one too drunk to
bother.

And now, a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who every Sunday tosses a coin

see whether he'll go to church or play
golf.

Sometimes it takes as many as 20 toss
-ups before he gets it right.

All right, all right, no need to wear
out the bell push.

You don't see great thumbs all over it?

Hello. Hello. Come in. Step over the
carpet, please. It's new.

Oh.

I hope I'm not too late for the party,
am I? Oh, no, not at all. Oh.

Oh, dear. Am I too early? Oh, no. Come
in. Enjoy the fun. It's all in full

swing. Oh, is it?

Not many people seem to arrive, do they?

Oh, I don't know.

Better turn out than last year.

In the old days, sometimes you used to
have as many as two or three people all

in here in one evening.

An orgy.

Switch that off. Save the battery.

Now, what's it going to be? What are you
going to have?

I've got some water.

Do you want something a little stronger?
I've got some melted ice.

No, I'll plump the water, thank you.

Say when.

When? Would you like something to
perhaps go with it?

Oh, yes, that would be lovely. If you've
got some gin or some brandy or

something to eke it out of it, it would
be nice, yes.

No, I haven't. I mean, I thought you
were going to bring a bottle.

What? I mean, well, it's a bottle party.
Oh, I didn't know that. No, I'm awfully

sorry. No, well, I'll just have a dash
of water with it, thank you. All right.

Don't want to drown it, do we?

There we are. Have a look at myself,
then.

There we are.

That's it.

Cheers. Have I put hairs on your chest?

Cheers.

I'm... It's a little embarrassing, this.
I'm afraid I've forgotten your name.

It's not easy remembering everybody's
name at a party.

Wilfred. Wilfred, Wilfred.

Wilfred, I hope you don't think I'm
being sort of awkward, but you're rather

wearing out the chair. Could you...

Half -thoughtless of me. Also sorry.

Now, what about some solid refreshment,
eh? Oh, I haven't eaten a thing all day.

How wonderful. Oh, I say, doesn't that
look marvellous?

Oh, gosh.

Now, what can I have?

Oh, I think I'll... Oh, I don't know.

I think I'll have one of those there.

Lovely. Thank you.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Nice, is it?

Yeah, yeah. It's a... It's a... It's
a... It's made of wood, isn't it?

Yes, yes.

are. I use the same ones every year, you
know.

It may seem a bit of a fad, but I don't
eat an awful lot of wood, you know.

They're not all made of wood. Oh, I see.

It'd be a very funny party if all the
food was made of wood.

No, there is one vol -au -vent that's
real.

But I've hidden it. Oh, I see.

Well, we'll play spot the vol -au -vent,
shall we?

I can go and sit in a cupboard all on my
own and play sardine.

Oh, it is going to be a nice party. Let
me top you up. Come on. Oh, no, no, no.

I'm driving. You really must be.

There we are.

That's a little one, then. That's it.
I've just fettened it up for you. Thank

you. I don't wish to... No, I'd rather
you did... Wilfred, would you mind?

This is a new carpet.

Yes. Do you think you could stand on one
leg, perhaps?

Certainly, which leg would you like me
to stand on? Oh, I don't. I mean, it is

party, aren't we? Oh, good.

I'll stand on the right one, then. Thank
you.

I don't wish to appear churlish, but
aren't you using all your legs?

You're right. Got me there.

Oh, I see. That's nice.

I like your empty frame.

Yes, it's an original, you know. Oh, is
it? Yes.

Oh, well, that's original.

Look, try one of these.

Oh, thank you.

They would as well. Oh, I see, you mean
put them on the head, yes.

Oh,

yes, well, that's a bit more like it,
isn't it? Yes. It's a good party, isn't

it? Oh, yes, yes. Better than the local
hop, isn't it?

What time are these?

Oh, they're nice, yes.

Oh, gosh, yes. I say, the frost is
melting on your radiators. Have you

Do you know it's the first time it's...
It's the first time it's done that this

year. Do you realise that?

You're making this party go with the
swing, you know. Oh, it's very nice of

to say that.

You are the life and soul of the party.
Oh, thank you very much.

Wilfred, do you think I could have the
invitation back so that I could use it

again next year?

Funny you should say that, because I
haven't got one. I'm a gatecrusher.

Absolute little worm abusing my
hospitality. Get out at once. How dare

in here. A bit of fun. A bit of fun.
Mind the mat. It's noon. Now get out.

don't tread on too many of the stairs.

Yes, things are coming to a pretty pass.

I think he can barge in here every year
he likes, just because he's my brother.

special edition of Stars at Night.

I'm sorry to have to inflict myself on
you like this, but Patrick couldn't be

here tonight, so he asked me to step
into his shoes.

And why not? He's always wearing my
suits.

So here I am, and he asked me to
apologise to you for not being here, but

to go and show his telescope to the
local town's women's guild.

If they like it, they're going to knit
him a cover for it.

Then tonight he's going to the Palladium
for a night of a thousand stars.

Apparently they're one short. He's going
to help them look for it.

And what he'll do after that, well, we
just don't know.

Because, of course, he never goes to bed
at night. That's where his day's work

starts. Only when dawn breaks does he
put away his slide rule and relax.

Of course, he likes a bit of fun
afterwards, just like anyone else.

time I've seen him put on his dinner
jacket and go out and dance till

This, of course, has its advantages. He
never has trouble with last buses, and

no -one can accuse him of staggering
home with a moment, which is just as

as a very gossipy neighbourhood.

However...

I digress, as my very good friend Frank
Atfield would say. The reason Patrick

asked me to come here tonight, apart
from not wanting to lose a fee, was that

tonight, and tonight only, whizzing
across our sky, you will be able to see

celebrated Bailey's Comet. Now, this
comet appears once, only once in every

years, so not many of us have actually
seen it before.

So, in all parts of Britain, it will be
visible to the naked observer.

So, uh... So, a trip...

garden should be well worth it, if only
to look over the fence at the woman next

door.

Now, this comet passes very, very, very
close to the moon. How close, we just

don't know.

But I would like, if I may, to show you
a diagram of what is liable to happen.

Oh, thank you, Sandra. Now, here you see
we have the surface of the moon there,

like that, like that, and then, of
course, we have the stratosphere here,

this. Now, um...

Under here, you see, there's a famous
sea of tranquility here, and there's a

mountain here known as the height of
absurdity, and, of course, there are two

craters here known as the depths of
depravity. Now, the last moonshot, the

moonshot orbited here.

There was an orbit just like that. But,
you see, Bailey's Comet will pass even

closer to the moon there and will be
orbited there, you see, so it should be

quite a splendid sight. Of course,
that's sideways on. Would you put it up

right way, sir? What we'll see is more
like that, you see.

heavenly body not to be missed. Now, a
word about next week. Off you go,

Put some clothes on. That's the idea.

Now, next week, Patrick himself hopes to
be back with you when, owing to a great

number of requests, he's going to devote
the whole programme to asteroids and

how to deal with them.

Which should be a boon to all fellow
sufferers.

If you have any questions to ask
Patrick, postcards only, please. And if

have any to ask Sandra, put them in a
sealed envelope as we have a filthy

-minded postman. Good night.

Events in the clumsy drug case have
taken a turn for the worse.

Our two dauntless detectives, hopelessly
duped by international villains in

Marseilles, were now studying a piece of
false evidence planted on them by the

beautiful Madame Cocotte.

A map drawn on a pair of her own briefs.

And Piggy and Charlie were even now
desperately trying to grasp what was

them.

You run through the mountains, you curve
to the right, then it's a straight run

down to the village.

Yeah, it looks simple enough, yeah.

But I'm just not sure. I get this odd
feeling.

Well, of course you get an odd feeling
looking at a map and a pair of knickers.

Look, never mind that.

You'll have to go and talk to her.

Who, me?

Yeah.

Get to know her.

Worm your way into her affections.

Get her to slip into something a little
more comfortable.

Find out if she is straight underneath
it all.

What,

you mean all that could be a false
front?

Why not?

Looked pretty real to me.

Listen, we've got to know.

I mean, after all, she was seen with
those two shady -looking characters,

she? The big fat one and the little one.

All right, then, Chief, I'll try.

It is in the course of duty.

Of course it is, yeah.

I mean, in this game, either you're on
the job or you're not.

Right.

Chief, what will you be doing?

Don't worry about me.

I've got other fish to fry.

Good evening.

Is there any way I can be of service?

Yes. I want you to look at my plug.

Are you having trouble?

Yes, well, every time the man next door
pulls the plug, my toilet flushes.

It can be a little unnerving when you're
not expecting it.

I'm sure it can be.

But I'm sorry, nothing can be done until
the morning.

But perhaps...

I can offer you a little champagne.

By way of consolation.

Well, I... I wouldn't open a bottle
specially for me.

No, no.

In the old way there, I keep it on ice
all day.

Ready for a nice gentleman like you.

Oh, who's that?

The gentleman who's like me.

I mean you, Shirley.

Oh.

Thank you. I must say...

I think you are very cute.

Why don't you take off your coat?

Well, I... Oh, dear. I hope... Thank
you. Just that. I hope I'm not

you. Well, only a little.

Perhaps a little more.

And now you have taken off your coat.

I'll just go and hang it up. No, no.

No, no. The walk will do me good.

Don't mind me removing my stockings.

My legs, they are too hot.

Ah, yes, like footballers.

Well,

they roll their stockings down, don't
they?

Not usually this early in the game,
though.

Oh, you say such strange things,
Shireen.

Come here.

I, uh... Why don't you slip into
something more comfortable?

The only thing which is more comfortable
than this is nothing.

Nothing would suit me better.

Kiss me.

Would you, uh... I'd like you to accept
something from me.

Of course, darling.

Now. Will you...

Will you have a jelly bean?

You mean to say you didn't discover
anything about her at all?

Well, I'll tell you one thing, Chief.
She's hot stuff.

My jelly bean's melted.

Well, it doesn't matter now, anyway.
I've got another idea.

While you've been out enjoying yourself,
I've been sitting here thinking.

Oh, yes?

You think too much, you know.

You're overweight as it is.

That Polaroid you took of the two
villains.

Yes, it is.

Evil -looking pair, aren't they, eh?

Right, now, tomorrow night is the hotel
fancy -dress dance, right? Tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah. It's the perfect
opportunity. If we disguise ourselves as

villains, we can talk to Madame Cocotte
as they would.

Her defences will be completely down.

They won't, you know.

She's going as Bo to see her.

Don't worry.

Whatever defenses she puts up, we'll
penetrate them.

We'll just go in there and fight dirty.

Like Lee Marvin.

I mean, we can't be as dirty as that
great big fat sinister slob in the dark

glasses and that evil little oriental
runt.

Absolutely, Chief.

So it's disguised, right?

Yeah.

Which one do you want me to be?

as the guests of the Hotel Metropole
danced the night away, our muddle

heroes set about disguising themselves
as the two rascally villains, making use

of all the limited facilities at their
disposal.

And all in all, they made a pretty bad
job of it.

I don't see a bloody thing in these.

Oh, uh, there it is. I smoked them over
a candy. Ah, by a sticky tape.

Cut into strips.

Oh, that's a good idea, isn't it? Well,
the trouble is it's a bit sticky in the

inside, you know. I'm frightened to
blink in case my eyes jam.

Bonsoir, Mr.

Greensleeves. It is an honor.

Where is Miriam Cockhart, Billy? I was
expecting her here.

Have you seen her?

I forget. I've only just arrived, you
see.

Probably in her loom, lighting a few
litters. Even alive, you never fear.

There's nothing she likes more than a
bit of levelling.

I don't know, make the nut -toggling and
loose up the whole village.

Oh, there you are. There is she.

It is me.

No fancy dress?

In my time of life, one becomes too
scared in one's ways to try and be

else. I prefer to keep my energies for
other things.

In that case, why don't you join Miss
Ginsberg over there? She'll dress

perfectly in balloons.

Oh, really?

Oh, she's feeling a little lonely. No
one can get near her.

Oh, well, I'm willing to have a try.

Anyone got a pen?

What are they up to?

I'm not sure, Mr.

Greensleeves, but I don't like the look
of it.

Neither do I.

It might be a trap.

Stick close together and head for the
French windows.

pathetic attempts at impersonation, two
waiters of uncertain origin prepare to

serve the speciality of the house, a
double dose of the deadly clumsy drug.

There.

You see, one double dose injected into
this noble example of the convection's

art, and the drug will permeate all
parts, permanently paralyzing any person

is permitted to partake of a portion.
Precisely.

One piece and poof.

They become as clumsy as a bull in a
knocking shop.

China shop.

What? China, China.

Yes, any part of the world, whatsoever.

It doesn't matter.

So once more, a sinister net is cast
that may land our heroes in trouble.

Will Piggy refuse a piece of cake?

Has he ever refused a piece of cake?

And what of Madame Cocotte?

Will she offer Charlie a bit?

And what will happen to Miss Ginsburg
when the balloon goes up?

Don't miss next week's enthralling
episode, The Biter Bit.

They want some ballet dancers down at
the Royal.

Anything for a bricklayer?

Thank you. Thank you, Michel Legrand.
Now, that is rather a coincidence, I'll

honest, because I was going to sing that
number myself tonight.

But I didn't get the chance to rehearse
with the orchestra because this place

was locked up during the day and we got
thrown out of the bus shelter.

Now, that takes a bit of believing,
doesn't it? I mean, you know, the

centre locked up all day and a 40 -piece
orchestra rehearsing in the bus

shelter. Anybody else?

Anybody else looking for an excuse would
simply say laryngitis.

Me, I have to tell the truth.

Anyway, it was not my idea to sing in
the first place. Actually, Ronnie

Hazlehurst, now he is the director of
music for the whole of the BBC and a

very, very important man he is around
here.

He's not here at the moment. I've asked
him to go and get me some sandwiches.

He said, Ron, he said, I'd like to hear
you sing.

Well, actually, you'd like to hear
anybody sing. It's just they're supposed

be.

I met him in the bar.

I met him in the bar just before the
show. I'd gone up there to help them

the producer.

Anyway, Ronnie Hazlehurst was there. I
said, hello, Ron, how are you? He said,

all right, bloody big mouth, keep it
down.

A sad loss to the diplomatic service
when he left.

I said, I'm sorry, but I always shout on
account of you being a little bit

mutton Jeff.

He said, not anymore. He said, look at
this.

This is the smallest, most fantastic
hearing aid in the world. He said,

Japanese, no wires, no battery, nothing.

Absolutely transistorized, guaranteed
unbreakable and invisible.

I said, that's marvelous. I said, how
does it work? He said, it's about a

quarter to eight.

Anyway, as I'm not... Doing my solo, as
a matter of interest, by the way, I

heard today that my records have become
very, very popular in Yugoslavia, where

they happen to fit the parking meters.

So I'm not going to say... Anyway, I've
lost the mood now. I've lost the mood.

Lost the mood.

You know what it's like when you lose
the mood?

Might as well get up and make a cup of
tea.

I've lost the mood. I am going to tell
you... I'm going to tell you

a joke.

I'm going to tell you a joke that my
agent sold to me.

It's about this very mean Scotsman.

Now, which is rather a coincidence
because I'm Scottish and he's meanish.

He said, listen to this, Ron, he said.
Listen to this. He looked at me like

over his glasses. He always does that.

Always looks over his glasses like that.

You've got a theory that it says wear
and tear on the lens.

We were actually at a party at his house
at the time, you know, and we were

waiting for the food to arrive from
Meals on Wheels.

This was an unforgettable evening. We
danced the night away to his father

whistling the best of Ronnie Ronald.

At the end of the evening, we all lined
up at the fairy grotto to see Father

Christmas. You gave him 50p and you got
your coat back.

I really, I really, I really should be a
bit careful what I say about agents,

and him in particular, because
theatrical agents have some funny ways

their own back.

How do you think these people get on new
faces?

Incidentally, that party was rather a
special occasion.

It was the anniversary of his silver
divorce.

Apparently it was one of those post -war
marriages, you know. She was a German

girl he met during the war when he was
negotiating the sale of his trench.

Their trouble was that they could never
agree how to bring up the children.

He wanted them to go into show business
and she wanted them to attack Poland.

a compromise and they marched into loo
grade anyway here is this joke

an old scotsman and his wife are at the
local air display you see in their

holidays and this scotsman says to a
pilot of a small airplane he says the

of me you know she said we've never been
up one of these things and it's her

birthday so i thought i'd give her a
special treat said how much would you

charge to take me up in the air in your
airplane you see the pilot said well

it'll be five pounds each so the
scotsman gets very upset and accuses

taking the porridge out of the mouths of
poor people.

Which is a pretty sickening thought, so
we sure won't do it.

And in the end, the pilot said, all
right, he said, I'll tell you what I'll

He said, I'll take you up if you don't
say, if you promise not to say a whole

word during the flight.

If you say that, if you don't say a
word, you won't have to pay me. One

said, and you pay. All right, so the
Scotsman and the wife get in the

you see.

The plane takes off and the pilot thinks
to himself, I'll make them talk if it

kills me.

So he starts. He does ten minutes of
stunt flying, loops and rolls and upside

down, feather, stall turns, the lot.

And when they land, the pilot says, he
said, well, Jock, he said, I've got to

hand it to you. He said, ten minutes of
my best stunt flying and you didn't say

a word.

The Scotsman said, no. He said, mind
you, he said, I was sorely tempted when

wife fell out.

Evening, Jack, and how are you?

Fine, how's yourself?

Don't ask me.

Maybe put me on a diet. She says if me
tongue gets

bigger, it'll be too fat to reach the
drum. Jack.

And lots of other things as well.

Tell me, how's your love life, Jack?

Full of the joys of spring, mate.

Is it still that six -foot brunette? The
one with the enormous...

Her name is Mary Jane She works at

the mattress factory She says that life
like a bed is what you make it

As long as you take it lying...

I got it from the stores Isn't it a
little one? I think it must be yours I

got a big one I'm quite sure of that

Drink meself. They should put beer on
the national elf.

You'd see a different show tonight.

The band would get hissed and Mozart
would list your...

As we both finish here, why don't we
have a meal round the Chinese?

Or else I should go off me nut, cos me
stomach thinks me throat's been cut.

I'd much rather go round the pub to
refloat my kidney that is

aching. I don't want to feel awkward.

space that I've reserved to pour some
drink in.

Ain't it a pity the pubs in the city all
close at half past ten.

If I had the power they'd close for an
hour and open up again.

I could get tonic and vodka and tonic
till any time I like. And while the

policeman watched me car and nip home on
his bike.

and enormous lumps of fried bread, fish,
chopped chips, and steak and kidney

pies by a girl who likes cookie news,
big and good -looking, whose dumplings

double the size.

Any three of the gladiators?

See you at the stage door straight after
the show.

Yeah, hurry up. The Chinese shut to the
11, you know.

Oh, I've been hardly waiting.

Prawn chops, do we, and a chicken
fritter.

Spiced potatoes.

Hurry up, Phyllis, when he's beaten by
the eighters. Two dry sherrys and a half

a shandy. I'll run amok. Two crispy
ducks. Wish you the best of luck.

Oh, but he's drunk so much he can hardly
stand.

I have got a rather similar occasion
plan.

So...

Well, that's all for this week. On next
week's programme, a sultan with 365

wives explains why he looks forward to
leap year.

We'll have with us Mr Dudley Wilford,
who yesterday on his 100th birthday was

arrested for chasing 23 young women at
an athletics meeting.

He received a summons from the court and
a telegram of congratulations from the

Queen.

And we'll continue our investigations
into the political beliefs of nudists.

We've already noticed a definite swing
to the left.

And we'll interview an expert in animal
husbandry who crossed a hen with a banjo

and got a chicken that plucks itself.

And a sporting man who crossed a tin of
baked beans with two cricket bats and

got wind in the willows.

And a scientist who crossed a lady's
hairpiece with a tomcat and a duck and

a Platteville duckypoose.

And finally, the Oxford butcher who
crossed a turkey with an octopus so that

boat crew could all have a leg each.

But... Here is the latest news on the
hunger strike by

Liberal MP Cyril Smith.

He is now...

in his second week without food, and
doctors have warned that his condition

could become critical within 17 years.

So, it's goodnight from me. And it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.