All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s04e01

Good evening. It's nice to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed programme tonight, we shall
be hearing about a new diet of cenopods

and garlic from a man who's already lost
12 pounds and all his friends.

And we'll have with us a man who is so
superstitious he got stuck in a lift

13 strippers and he pressed the alarm
button.

But first... But first, the news.

After weeks of speculation, Death Watch
Beetle has been confirmed in Canterbury

Cathedral. During the ceremony, the
Archbishop also confirmed three mice,

bats and a spider.

Due to heavy fog in central London,
Susan Hampshire, who's playing Peter

couldn't land at the Coliseum and had to
be diverted to Manchester Opera House.

The Ministry of Defence have announced
new pay scales for the army, heavily

favouring the NCOs.

Said a new recruit, it's all very well
for the sergeants and the corporals, but

it's a nasty blow to the privates.

Angela Wainwright, the station announcer
at Victoria, today married engine

driver Dick Crankshaw.

Her dress was a white organdy with lace
bodice, and her train was 20 minutes

late.

In the Magic Circle golf tournament this
afternoon, the great Misto paused at

the 13th hole and turned his golf ball
into a toad.

Afterwards, he got a toad in the hole
and won.

And we've just heard that a cement mixer
has collided with a prison van on the

Kingston Bypass.

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout
for 16 hardened criminals.

In the sketch that follows...

I shall be practising for the ice -dead
foot, and I shall be practising for the

loose -dead foot.

Good day, Inspector Jay.

Morning, Dawning. Any news of the girder
murder?

Yes, sir. He was shot in ox -shot by bag
-shot with a slingshot full of book

-shot.

He's not shot in bag -shot.

Well, you must be pleased that
situation's eased. The relief is beyond

Chief. In my mind, this one's for a
blank, and I've only got you to thank.

right, all right. This is the fawning
dawning.

I'm glad to hear your head is clear. It
needs more space for the Mrs May's case

to take its place.

The Mrs May's case, have they traced the
face? No, and what's more, the

nightness is still missing, too.

Ah, is she sure which nightness she was
wearing? She's not mistaken which was

taken. How come, little chum?

Well...

A voluptuous Mrs. Mace, each of her
night dresses are equally attractively

seductive or seductively attractive.

Whatever she wore, she would always be a
bountiful, beautiful nightie for.

I've heard she's a grand lady to have as
a landlady. I've been told her teapot's

never cold.

I would be delighted to be selected to
inspect her, Inspector. Any prospect of

any suspect? Yes, three. Two of them are
actors who lodge with Grace, Mrs Mace,

at her place in the chase.

One is Leo Mighty, a leading man well
known for his portrayal of farmers,

charmers and men in pyjamas.

The other one is Roger Manger, the stage
manager who once played a mad stranger

in a film with Stuart Granger called
Deadly Danger.

May I add another to the list if I am
not being bumptious or presumptuous?

Sergeant Bodger. Bodger? The replacement
constable from Dunstable. You must be

mad, lad.

Just a theory, dearie.

May I sit down? Please make yourself
comfrey, Humphrey.

It's just that Sergeant Bodger has a
face like a fit, which happens to fit

face on the photo fit in the first
place, and is often to be found round at

place in the chase, filling his face
with fried fish.

Fried fish?

Fried by Grace, Mrs. Mace, mostly place
or days.

But surely Leo Mighty is much more
likely. I mean, he's there nightly.

looked very flighty in her nightie. It'd
be the sort of toffee trying to pull it

up.

Possibly, but here is something you
don't know. I don't know. I have heard

with Roger.

Roger? The lodger. Oh, Roger Manger, who
played the stranger with Granger. He

says he saw Leo taking the night rest.
He was staring through the keyhole in

Mrs. Mace's door.

What? He dared to stare through there?
Would he swear he saw Leo Mighty take

nightie? He'll do plenty of swearing. No
wonder he was staring. It was the night

dress she was wearing.

What? Surely not.

He jumped on the bed and pulled it over
her head. She went red, so he fled. And

he hid himself in the shed and wished he
was dead.

She was going to call her cousin Ted,
but she went dizzy in the head, so she

on the bed instead and went red. So you
said.

Roger is a liar.

Have you any proof, you silly old poof?

I have seen the... bedroom where Mrs.
Mace sleeps. It's an attic, therefore

story about pulling the nightdress over
her head must be false.

He must have pulled the nightgown right
down. There's no headroom in her

bedroom.

So Roger is right. Roger's the culprit.
Game, set, and match. So ends the

disgraceful Grace Mace case. I'll just
inform the inspector.

Oh, the chief inspector. What a relief,
inspector.

Hello, inspector.

Yes, we've solved the Mrs. Mace case.
You will be glad to hear that Leo is

innocent and so is Sergeant Bodger. Yes.

In other words, it was not Leo Mighty
who lifted the knight, it was Roger the

Lodger, the soft -footed dodger, and not
Sergeant Bodger, thank God.

Good evening.

I'm a doctor.

Take it.

Now, I'm not allowed to reveal my name
for reasons of professional etiquette.

Now, I fully agree with this, and so
does my wife, Mrs. Ponson Wilberforce.

I'm not allowed to reveal my address, of
course, but here is an eye test card

for you to read.

Never mind Harley Street, what about the
National Health, I hear you ask?

Or rather, I don't hear you ask, as I
use a National Health hearing aid.

There's nothing wrong with the doctors.
Frankly, it's the patients.

For a start, you're a pretty unhealthy
lot.

Now, a recent survey showed that 99 .5 %
of patients had something wrong with

them.

The other half was a malingering dwarf.

So where do you come in? Well, I'm
hoping that you won't.

Now, if you wake up every morning
feeling something terrible, get a

Catch something, it may be catching, so
don't send for me.

And don't come and see me either. The
last place you should be if you're ill

my drafty, unheated surgery.

People come to me with such trivial
complaints.

A man came to me this morning and said,
Doctor, there's something hopping about

inside my head.

Ridiculous. I send for away with a flea
in his ear.

Now, if you really must come to me, we
have to go through the whole dreary

business of diagnosis.

Now, diagnosis is very like diarrhoea.

you get it in your gnosis instead of in
your rear.

But why not do it yourself?

Diagnose your trouble, suggest a
treatment, get yourself some medicine

well and just send me the money.

Now, here is how to diagnose things.
Here is a diagram here of a person of

either sex.

Now, most of you are one or the other.

And for those of you who are the other,
I can send you some hormone tablets.

is this bit here between the hair and
the chemist's shop.

We have to say chemist's shop. We're not
allowed to advertise.

Now, here is the esophagus, and here is
the waistcoat. Now, I know very little

about the esophagus, but a pain here in
the waistcoat means that your wallet is

too full, and I can certainly help you
there.

Now, a pain here would be due to this
drawing pin.

And, of course, growing pains are
experienced here in the groin.

Now, you can always examine yourself
with this stethoscope. You'll notice

got three ends.

You put one end in your right ear, like
that, one under your left armpit, and

this bit in your mouth.

This way, you can talk to yourself,
listen to your armpit, and play Amazing

Grace all at the same time.

Now to help you further, here is
something absolutely revolting in a

To a trained doctor, there's no doubt
about what that is.

It's a gherkin from the chip shop.

I'll take that out for you later, sir.

Appointments. Now appointments can be a
very sore point with patients.

Now if you have got a sore point...

it is best to apply a local anaesthetic.

Simply go round to your local and keep
drinking till the soreness is gone.

You will soon know when you're cured
you'll fall over.

However, if you must see a doctor, you
will have to book ahead. It's no use

ringing him up and saying, Doctor, I've
got the flu. He'll be fully booked.

You've got to say, Doctor, I'm going to
have the flu on March the 14th.

One should also always give alternative
dates and, if possible, alternative

illnesses.

Now, don't wait around until you get
into the surgery before you undress.

undress in the waiting room.

This not only saves the doctor a lot of
time, it amuses the other patients.

Now, here is an X -ray of a man who
swallowed 21 peas.

This man's wife dreamed she was playing
a fruit machine all night, and when he

woke up, he had a mouthful of coins and
a very sore arm.

Now, in this case, I prescribed liquid
paraffin, but so far there's been little

change.

Tomorrow I'm going to give him three
plums and try for the jackpot.

So let me sum up. As a doctor, my advice
to those who aren't too well is to

dress warmly and go for a walk in the
fog, or in other words, wrap up and get

lost. Good night.

Well, Helen, I suppose you could say
with some safety that we've... We've

arrived, eh? Got everything one could
possibly ask for. Beautiful clothes, a

yacht, heated swimming pool in the
garden, Rolls -Royce in the garage,

period house in the country, original
paintings on the wall.

I only wish every woman could have had a
husband like mine.

Yes, it's a pity you didn't live to
enjoy it, eh?

da da da da da da da

Britain's best -known losers, and
Charlie Farley, a man who would have had

it takes if someone hadn't taken it
first, were in a tight spot.

They had orders from MI6 to locate the
formula for the deadly, clumsy drug,

which was undermining the authority of
famous and important people all over the

world.

No sooner had they accepted the case,
however, than their superior was

poisoned.

This, then, is the story so far.

Except for viewers in Scotland, where
the story is as follows.

Peggy Macmillan and Charlie Fairley,
those two broad -breasted cocks of the

north, are called into headquarters of
Scottish intelligence in Shokey Hall

Street after hearing of a terrible drug
which quietens down Scottish football

fans.

Meanwhile, back in civilisation, the
hunt is on.

an airport.

It is from here that Piggy and Charlie
are destined to take the first hesitant

step on a downward path that could lead
to destruction.

And if you're wondering why Charlie
doesn't seem to be around, remember the

airfares have all just gone up again.

That's all.

We're still in London.

Why don't we stop, Chief?

I'm having a snack.

after this.

It's all money, isn't it? It's all money
saved, isn't it?

Why is it always me?

Don't be daft. Where are we going to
find a trunk my size?

Where are you addressing me?

No, I was talking to myself.

Why? I'm insane.

Here, chief.

What?

Can I have a drink?

Are you sure you want one?

the orange juice.

Perhaps you've got the tubes mixed up.

She's working her way across the
continent.

Got friendly this morning.

Not as friendly as you got this
afternoon, I bet.

You've been squashed together in there
all through the flight.

So she was the excess baggage they
charged me for.

Well, I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink.

Had to do something.

I was a bit dodgy during the loading and
unloading.

One point they turned us completely
upside down.

Thought I'd bitten off more than I could
chew.

I wonder if this is the sort of hotel
you can leave your shoes out to get

I have certain information to impart to
your highness.

Ah, well, then impart it. Impart it. I
am all ears.

I know.

What? I am telling you. I am told.

Yes, I am told.

I'm not telling you who told me, but I
am told.

What are you told? I'm telling you.
You're not telling me. You keep telling

you are told.

Are you not telling me?

Please tell me what you are told without
further to -do -ment, or I shall take

my fist and punch you in the mouth, you
little scoundrel.

You are not playing your beats
correctly. I'm not telling you at all.

Now, please, you're getting camp now.

I'm not getting camp. You're getting
very camp of late, you are. I'm not

camp. I'm telling you that I hear that
those two English fools have arrived in

the hotel.

Ah, the detectives? Those are the very
them of which I speak.

Ah.

to spy upon them as arranged by the
almighty Mr.

Greensleeves. And the oriental snake in
the ointment, Mr.

Bob Job.

We must start at once. There's no time
like the future.

It's going to be a great, great sport.

Oh, great sport. But you must not get
too excited. I'm not getting excited.

are getting very excited. I'm not
getting excited. You are getting

That's a suede shoe you're polishing
there.

And even as our two shabby heroes
prepare to hit the town in search of the

clumsy drug, there approaches one more
player in this grim drama of love and

death. As yet, she had never taken part
in the latter, but what a performer in

the former.

She is the fabulous Madame Cocotte,
beautiful, sultry manageress of the

Metropole, a goddess.

who is destined to win the hearts of at
least one of the English detectives,

apart, of course, from being one in the
eye for both of them.

Having heard of the British's arrival,
she was on the move, and when she was on

the move, no one else could keep still
for long either.

My name is Madame Cocotte.

Is it really?

I am the manager of the hotel.

It's a very responsible job for a young
lady.

What's it like being the manager here?

I manage.

Yes, I bet you do.

I bid you welcome.

And wonder if you both would care to
join me after dinner for a little drink

my private quarters, sir?

Yes, sure we would.

You wouldn't mind drinking in a private
quarters, would you, Chief?

No, no, that would be very nice, sir,
Madame.

Eloise. Eloise Cockhart.

How is it?

Yes, that would be very nice indeed,
yes. Shall we say about eight?

Shall we?

About eight.

But I can't look forward.

Oh, dear.

I'm so sorry to be so clumsy.

Is this the first evidence of a clumsy
drug?

here in this very hotel?

Will Charlie Farley go drinking in
Madame Cocotte's quarters?

Has Piggy Malone been drinking them in
already?

These and very few other questions will
be answered in another thrilling episode

next week, A Drug on the Market.

breaking into the hotel.

I thought he was staying there.

No, he only pretended he was.

Shh!

What's he looking for?

That letter.

What letter?

Shh!

It wasn't a letter, it was a
prescription.

Shh!

Where are we now?

In his flat.

They've done that before.

They're very passionate.

No, they're not. It's a flashback.

Shh!

Who's this man, then?

Her boyfriend?

It's not a boyfriend. It's a brother.

Will you be quiet?

Excuse me. I'm explaining to this lady.

She's a little confused.

Will you please be quiet?

Sorry. If you can't follow these films,
you should stick to Walt Disney.

I can follow.

I can follow.

I'm explaining to this lady and her
husband.

No, he's not my husband. He's my
boyfriend.

I'm sorry, your boyfriend.

No, he's not her boyfriend. He's her
brother.

We are not talking about the film.

We are not talking about the film. Don't
talk.

Excuse me, sir. I was explaining to this
lady that I was explaining to this

lady. Quiet.

Look, sir. I'm sorry, I'm explaining to
this gentleman and I'm explaining to

this lady that I'm... What's he doing
that for?

He loves her.

But he's her father.

No, he only pretended he was.

He is her father.

That's the whole point of the film.

He's not her father. It's symbolic.

I think you're part of it.

He is her father. It was stated in the
first scene.

He calls himself her father because he's
a priest, but he's unfrocked.

Well, if he wasn't, he certainly is now.

There you are. You see, it is the
boyfriend. That's why he's running away.

Oh, don't be silly. He's the priest.

Well, I agree with this lady. If he was
just a boyfriend, this wouldn't be an

arty film.

Well, you're wrong, mate, because he is
the boyfriend.

And what is more, he is allegorical for
peace and love.

And I'll thump the first man who says he
ain't.

Right, who agrees with this oath?

Hands up for the brother theory. One,
two, three, four. Hands up for the

theory. One, two, three, four. Could we
have a casting vote, do you think?

Now, what's... Oh, boy, stop this, stop
this, please. Go in the circle if you

want to do that.

People are trying to watch this film.
Will you all please be quiet? This lady

doesn't understand. We're trying to
explain who the man in the Macintosh is.

Get your feet off the seat.

The man in the Macintosh is the perfect
man. He doesn't exist except in her

mind. He is perfect.

The man's real. It's her that does it.
Of course the man isn't real.

Give

respect to

the Queen, please.

It's her brother -in -law. She hasn't
got a brother -in -law. Of course she

got a brother -in -law.

I'll

tell

you a joke about a chap who was driving
along a road.

Now, this is one of those stories for
everyone, you know, there's excitement,

adventure, human relationships.

It's a pity it's not very funny, but, I
mean, you can't... Anyway, it is about a

chap driving across the Yorkshire Moors
in the middle of the night.

Now, actually, he'd been trying to dodge
the five o 'clock build -up at

Hammersmith Flyover, and things got a
bit out of hand.

So there he is, completely lost, rain
pouring down, not another human being in

sight. A bit like a summer season at
Herne Bay, really.

And he thinks to himself, he thinks to
himself, I'll never see Shepherd's Bush

again.

Now, that should have cheered him up a
bit.

And his mind keeps picturing his home
and his white -haired old mother and his

white -haired old wife and his white
-haired children.

They live next to the cement works.

By the way, this is an original story,
by the way, told to me by one of the

chaps they send round to repair our new
cooker.

Because we have just bought a new gas
cooker.

One of the very, very latest.

Enormous thing.

From about here to, well, right over
there, you know, where the producers

Well, it's their own fault for opening
the bar at half past five.

But that is neither here nor there, you
know. Silly expression, really, because

if it's not here or there, where the
hell is it? Anyway,

this gas cooker...

This gas cooker, it's one of those very
latest models. You know, you simply put

all the food in, hit all the dials, and
two hours later, there you are, having a

round the Chinese takeaway.

It's so ridiculous, really. I mean, good
heavens. When you think that all my

mother had to cook on was half a rusty
gas ring on an upturned bucket.

And every night she cooked a meal for 28
of us.

There were really only three of us in
the family, but she loved entertaining.

But seriously, my wife doesn't believe
me when I tell her that my mother had to

get up at 2 o 'clock every morning to
walk 80 miles and scrub Trafalgar

And you're not too sure, are you?

Poor, poor, good heavens, where we
lived... Where we lived, you were

a flashy dresser if you had a sock.

And my old dad was too proud to beg on
the streets, so he used to beg indoors.

And then came the Depression.

And there I go again, wandering off down
memory lane. Isn't it funny how you

only remember the good times?

Anyway, to return to the joke which, as
I was saying, was told to me by one of

the gas company fellows, you know.

Actually, it was the one they send round
looking for gas leaks.

The one with the surprised expression
and a box of matches.

So there he is. There is this motorist.
There is this motorist, if you remember,

who you may recall was lost on the moors
in the middle of the night.

And he's got a puncture, you see, and he
discovers that he hasn't got a jack.

Now he sees a light in the window of a
farmhouse away in the distance, and he

starts walking.

Walk, walk, trudge, trudge, in the
pouring rain and the wind blowing.

And as he gets nearer to the house, you
know, he says to himself, I know what's

going to happen here. He said, this
farmer's going to be very stroppy about

being woken up at one o 'clock in the
morning to lend me a wheeljack.

He's not going to thank me for
disturbing his deep, warm sleep.

You know what these farmers can be like,
you know, big, aggressive bullies.

If you ask a little favour like
borrowing a jacket at one o 'clock in

morning, they'll talk about setting the
dogs on you.

Walk, walk, trudge, trudge.

Getting the atmosphere.

It's like a television series from
Yorkshire. He says he's probably got to

very late and he's got to get up early
in the morning and be furious about

disturbed. Walk, walk, trudge, trudge. I
know what's going to happen. He said,

I'm knocking that door. And he'll open
the window and he'll say, what do you

want? And I'll say, please can you lend
me a wheel jack? And he'll say, why

don't you go and buy your own wheel
jack? Wake me up like this. Come down

and smash your face in.

Well, by this time, he's at the door of
the farmhouse. So he knocks twice.

And after a minute or two, the farmer
sticks his head out of the window and

says, yes.

And the motorist looks up and said, and
you know what you can do with your wheel

jack?

to my blue heaven and down to the right
a

little blue light will lead you to my
blue heaven you

see a smiley face a little nest that's

nestled where the roses bloom

a little show entitled Bits and Pieces.

The show is performed and directed by
policemen and policewomen for policemen

and policewomen all over the place. And
believe me, it is all over the place.

So, gentlemen, grab your walkie -talkies
and ladies, hold on to your small

change. As you say.

As you say.

Take it away, superintendent.

As you can see, ladies and gents, the
old division is really determined to

a good time here tonight. The idea is to
show you that we in La Force do have

our lighter moments, and it's not all
hard work.

Indeed, we in Trent Division are proud
of our social activities, notably our

large popular district sports, three of
whom you can see at the moment.

They are known locally as Faith, Hope
and Chastity.

Only she's called Chast for short.

because the rest is a bit of a mouthful.

There are, of course, loads of
opportunities for outdoor activities,

the famous police pastime of Alsatian
training. Get off, girls, you've had

go. Right, we are on film, ladies and
gentlemen. We'd like to show you that

remarkable police dog, Rover.

Here he is.

This amazing animal is so intelligent,
he now has a full -time job training

young policemen.

Here we see him putting a young... train
recruit through his paces.

That's it,

through the barrel.

Round the post.

Oh dear, you've done it wrong.

That's more like it.

Well, there's not many policemen can do
that. And now...

It's a burglar demonstration.

Here we go.

Just watch this now.

Here comes a North Korean.

And now finally, the most dangerous
trick of all.

And of course now, thank you,

and of course now, a little reward for a
truly wonderful effort.

And now, a complete change of mood, as
we take you over to the bedroom of an

ordinary house in an ordinary street,
almost anywhere, for a little dramatic

interlude called simply, Duty Calls.
Thank you.

with all those trained Alsatians to
brighten up our days.

There be no social functions, there be
no fun at all, for if there's no police,

you couldn't hold a policeman's ball.

If it wasn't for us coppers, drunken
driving would be rife, and the poor old

drunk pedestrian would be running for
his life.

So if some cold night one stops you in
your Bentleys or your Jags, give the

a bit of pleasure.

and breathe into his bags.

When a copper passes you with firm and
measured tread, with his noble pointed

helmet on his noble pointed head,
whether touching the old man or sitting

loo, just give a thought to us chaps and

salute the boys.

If you don't like to fleece, fleece
yourself.

If you don't like to fleece, fleece
yourself.

Oh, we are out here to see you.

I fleece my mane, I fleece you.

I fleece you all. I fleece you all.

Whenever you can.

Well, they're all chaps. And he'll never
raise his truncheon to a lady in

distress unless she asks him to fleece
himself.

Thank

you.

Well, that's all for this week. Here is
some late news.

We've just heard why Shepherds Bush Town
Hall are flying the Royal Standard at

half -mast. They're half -expecting the
Queen.

The annual London Health and Beauty
Contest was won this evening by Miss

Whopping. Second was Miss Not -Quite -So
-Whopping.

And third was Miss Absolutely Piffling.

In a white paper today, Mr. Wilson
revealed his plans for the small

a lower counter.

And there's dramatic news from the South
Pacific.

A ship has just picked up a party of
people marooned on an island for six

consisting of 17 young women and one
young man.

The women are reported to be in very
good health.

met with an unfortunate accident.

He was blown over by a gust of wind and
carried off by the ship's captain.

8 ,000 cases of imported fruit were
stolen from Liverpool docks today. A

spokesman said it would have taken a
gang of dock thieves at least four hours

do this. A spokesman for the dock has
said what happens in the tea break is

of our concern.

And at the do -it -yourself furniture
competition at Olympia, the favourite

of course, Miss Cynthia Bollinger, with
her mahogany desk.

We've now heard she was disqualified,
however, at the last minute. Her legs

too straight, and when the judge banged
her bottom, her drawers fell off.

But that's all we've got time for
tonight, so it's goodnight from me. And

goodnight from him. Goodnight.

Thank you.