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Hello, it's nice to be with you again,
isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And in a
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00:00:31,060 --> 00:00:35,220
packed programme tonight, the well
-known Scots drunkard, Duncan McCoot,
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00:00:35,220 --> 00:00:36,960
play Amazing Grace on the breathalyser.
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00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,300
Our fashion reporter will be presenting
the very latest thing in women's
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00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:43,860
clothes, David Bowie.
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00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:49,960
For sports fans, there'll be rugby with
Eddie Wearing, boxing with Eddie Tiring,
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00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:51,720
and archaeology with Eddie Downright
Boring.
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00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:58,040
And we'll be talking to a man who
crossed a Gordon Highlander with a
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00:00:58,040 --> 00:00:59,800
and got a squeaky jockstrap.
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00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:03,780
And a farmer.
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00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:10,500
And a farmer who crossed a field with
Susan Hampshire and got nothing at all.
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00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,140
But first, the news.
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00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:21,400
A beautiful young Swedish nudist...
Beautiful young Swedish nudist was
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00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:26,080
rescued today by the crew of a Scottish
trawler. To save her embarrassment, they
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00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:30,600
quickly covered her with an old
Macintosh. Mr Angus Macintosh of Fife,
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Who was delighted.
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00:01:36,590 --> 00:01:37,590
The art world.
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00:01:37,850 --> 00:01:41,450
The engagement was announced today
between the famous post -impressionist
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00:01:41,450 --> 00:01:45,030
Madeleine Leclerc and Percy Edwards, the
famous animal impersonator.
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00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:48,870
They met when he was giving his
impression of a dog and she was giving
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00:01:48,870 --> 00:01:49,870
impression of a post.
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00:01:54,610 --> 00:02:00,110
In the National Folk Dancing Festival at
Blatchford yesterday, the crowd became
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00:02:00,110 --> 00:02:03,230
so excited, police had to link arms and
hold them back.
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00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:06,960
They were pushed forward four times, but
each time they struggled back again.
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00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:10,940
The police were commended for the
restraint and awarded first prize in the
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00:02:10,940 --> 00:02:11,940
-cokey.
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00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:18,400
A survey on the labelling of toilet
doors has just announced its findings
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00:02:18,580 --> 00:02:21,780
In most undertakers, the doors are
labelled his and hers.
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In a Franciscan monastery,
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the doors were labelled silent order and
out of order.
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And the civil service, of course, has
three doors marked in, out and pending.
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00:02:39,310 --> 00:02:40,670
But here's the newsflash.
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00:02:41,230 --> 00:02:45,310
Electricity reductions were so severe in
London this evening that at Wembley
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Greyhound Stadium, the electric hair
came in third.
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00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:54,150
And all the blue lamps turned to red,
enabling policewoman Shirley Wainwright
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00:02:54,150 --> 00:02:55,590
make three arrests and seven guineas.
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00:02:59,850 --> 00:03:01,590
But now, a sketch.
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00:03:01,870 --> 00:03:06,910
that features Mr Ronnie Barker, who
today won the Nobel Prize for creating
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00:03:06,910 --> 00:03:07,910
perfect vacuum.
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00:03:07,990 --> 00:03:09,130
How did you do it, Ronnie?
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00:03:09,330 --> 00:03:10,330
Oh, it was nothing, really.
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00:03:16,310 --> 00:03:17,310
Oh,
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00:03:17,910 --> 00:03:21,690
I must introduce you to Harry Gubbins.
He's the life and soul of the party. Oh,
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00:03:21,710 --> 00:03:22,629
good, good.
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00:03:22,630 --> 00:03:25,530
Harry, darling, this is Rodney. Hello,
Harry.
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My dog died. Why don't you have a nice
drink?
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00:03:43,860 --> 00:03:45,520
I don't want a ruddy drink.
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00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:49,060
My dog died today. He died.
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00:03:49,580 --> 00:03:52,920
How inconsiderate of me. I'll just take
my jacket off if you don't mind.
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He's dead.
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00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,880
Yes, well, he would be, yes.
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He used to sleep on an old jacket just
like that.
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00:04:13,070 --> 00:04:14,310
wag their tails when you come home.
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00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:17,350
No, I never have seen a chicken wag its
tail, no.
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00:04:18,490 --> 00:04:20,490
What am I going to do? What am I going
to do?
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00:04:20,810 --> 00:04:23,730
Well, why don't you have a nice
cocktail, look?
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00:04:24,310 --> 00:04:27,770
Woo found with a dash of pecanese, he
was. No, this is a stuffed olive with a
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00:04:27,770 --> 00:04:28,770
dash of martini.
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00:04:30,110 --> 00:04:34,330
His favourite plaything, favourite
plaything, used to be an old pair of
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00:04:34,330 --> 00:04:35,730
like these ones you're wearing.
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00:04:36,030 --> 00:04:37,030
An old pair of trousers?
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00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:39,230
An old pair like those. Just like the
ones I'm wearing?
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00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:40,830
What are you trying to do to me?
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00:04:45,710 --> 00:04:47,150
I wouldn't have come in there right now.
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00:04:48,290 --> 00:04:51,230
Listen, tell me, how old was he when he
died?
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00:04:51,450 --> 00:04:52,450
Chaucer? Yes.
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00:04:53,530 --> 00:04:55,670
Chaucer would have been 37 in October.
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00:04:57,050 --> 00:05:00,690
Well, that's no great age, is it? We had
a tortoise once, you know, that
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00:05:00,690 --> 00:05:02,630
attained that age. Then it laid an egg.
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00:05:04,210 --> 00:05:05,850
Chaucer never laid an egg, you know.
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00:05:06,990 --> 00:05:09,910
I'm sure it wasn't for want of trying.
No, no, no.
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00:05:12,870 --> 00:05:16,210
Not about something nice to eat, eh? Oh,
no, no, no.
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00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:20,250
Chocolate mousse? No, not chocolate
mousse. His favourite food, is it? His
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00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:21,910
favourite food, yes, absolutely
favourite.
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00:05:22,270 --> 00:05:23,810
And I can't bear to look at it!
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Shall I just go away now? No, don't go
away.
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That's what he did. That's what Towson
did. He went away and left me dogless.
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00:05:42,390 --> 00:05:43,390
Hello,
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00:05:43,750 --> 00:05:44,750
Harry.
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00:05:45,070 --> 00:05:47,270
Oh, what a funny little man.
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00:05:48,030 --> 00:05:51,310
Oh, Harry, you've been playing one of
your jokes again.
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00:05:51,990 --> 00:05:52,990
Yes.
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00:05:57,250 --> 00:06:00,170
Yes, the old my dog died this morning
routine.
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00:06:01,850 --> 00:06:05,970
Oh, it worked a treat. It's nice to meet
someone who can take a joke these days.
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00:06:14,730 --> 00:06:15,730
That sort of party.
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00:06:17,690 --> 00:06:20,490
Oh, isn't it? I was told it was. A
friend of mine said it's the sort of
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00:06:20,490 --> 00:06:24,330
where you take your trousers off and
throw a mousse at each other. Oh, look,
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brought to dear Mrs.
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00:06:25,350 --> 00:06:26,550
Wisbury to talk to you.
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00:06:26,810 --> 00:06:27,810
Oh.
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00:06:27,890 --> 00:06:29,630
Sorry about the mess, Mrs. Wisbury.
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00:06:30,310 --> 00:06:32,530
Someone was just telling me how his dog
died.
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00:06:33,530 --> 00:06:35,850
My goldfish passed away in the night.
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00:06:40,610 --> 00:06:41,610
Did he?
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00:06:42,130 --> 00:06:43,230
What did he do, drown himself?
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00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:54,500
I want to speak to you tonight about the
water shortage.
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Now, there have been rumours that the
government are washing their hands of
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whole problem, but we're not, because
there isn't any water.
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00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,800
There's even been a ridiculous rumour
that the cows in the North East are
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00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:05,800
dried milk.
101
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:10,260
Now, let me deal with that one straight
away. It's true.
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00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:17,100
How bad is the crisis? Well, here is a
chart showing Britain's goldfish
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reserves.
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00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,700
Which have been left high and dry, as
you see.
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00:07:24,740 --> 00:07:29,960
Now, yesterday, in the annual River
Thames fishing contest, the winner
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00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:30,960
seven -pound ferret.
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00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:39,280
Indeed, I myself, on Thursday, travelled
by train from Manchester to London, and
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I didn't pass water once.
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00:07:45,390 --> 00:07:49,470
What are we in the government doing
about the water shortage? The answer is
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simple, nothing.
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00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:56,970
Or to put it another way, here is a map
with the affected areas marked in red.
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00:08:00,590 --> 00:08:03,970
Or if you have a black and white
television set, marked in purple.
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00:08:05,350 --> 00:08:09,050
Now, for the time being, the Lake
District will be known as the Puddle
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00:08:09,850 --> 00:08:12,870
Barges will sail along the Grand Union
Mud Bath here.
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00:08:13,310 --> 00:08:15,410
And, of course, Waterloo becomes Elsan.
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00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:22,170
Now, our boffins have noticed that
there's very little water shortage out
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00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:26,170
sea, so in future, all reservoirs will
be built here on the Dogger Bank.
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00:08:26,710 --> 00:08:30,290
They'll have a hole in the top to let
the rain in and a hole in the side to
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00:08:30,290 --> 00:08:31,290
the trawlers out.
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00:08:33,470 --> 00:08:38,250
Now, here is a picture... Now,
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00:08:39,309 --> 00:08:40,809
here is a picture of Gladys Whipsnade.
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00:08:42,159 --> 00:08:43,400
Which brings me to sport.
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Now, this may not bring you to sport,
but that's what it brings me to.
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This is bound to be affected by a
complete lack of water. However, next
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there will be treacle skiing at Ryslip.
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00:08:56,540 --> 00:09:00,200
At Ascot, the water will only be turned
on on Ladies' Day, but we hope the
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00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,600
ladies will be turned on every day.
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00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,200
From now on, all showers will be
useless.
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00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:09,420
And talking of useless showers, the
Cabinet have solemnly promised...
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00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:15,800
They have solemnly promised that when
the sewage at Westminster reaches danger
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00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:17,360
level, they will step in.
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00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:22,900
Now, here is a map that makes it all
simple.
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00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:27,120
And here is the real map, which makes it
all look a ghastly mess.
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00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:32,460
Now, there is one good piece of news.
The Channel Tunnel is now complete, and
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00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:35,740
it slopes the other way, we can put all
our sewage where it really belongs,
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00:09:35,980 --> 00:09:36,980
France.
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00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:45,100
Now, what can you do about it? At home.
Well, firstly, you can buy our new
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00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:46,260
economy watering can.
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00:09:49,460 --> 00:09:55,880
And you know we can't have everyone
washing down their cars every Sunday. Do
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00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:56,880
on a Wednesday.
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00:09:57,500 --> 00:10:00,360
Try to combine going to the toilet with
cleaning the windows.
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00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:13,010
If your whiskey's too strong, Always add
a drop of gin.
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00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:17,790
How about making tea without water,
using a tea bag?
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00:10:18,010 --> 00:10:20,810
Now, here I have a picture of a typical
bag.
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00:10:23,530 --> 00:10:27,350
That's Gladys Whipsnade again. Now, here
is a teapot.
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00:10:27,630 --> 00:10:31,550
And remember, it's one spoonful per
person and one for the pot.
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00:10:31,970 --> 00:10:35,110
Shake well and pour yourself a nice cup
of tea leaves.
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Like that. There we are.
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00:10:37,550 --> 00:10:40,470
If you're still dry, why not try...
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A refreshing sip of peanut butter.
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00:10:43,750 --> 00:10:44,990
It's delicious, eventually.
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00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:52,270
I have to end... I have to end with
something, so I end with an emergency
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00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:56,310
message. It's for single girls in the
London area. From now on, you're asked
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00:10:56,310 --> 00:10:59,950
share your bathrooms with other girls,
as only the bathroom at Buckingham
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will have continuous water.
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00:11:01,770 --> 00:11:04,890
Or to sum up, it's either two players or
a royal flush.
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00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,250
Thank you.
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00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:55,920
I say, Tony.
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00:13:58,700 --> 00:13:59,700
What?
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00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:04,180
Remember how Mr. Watts' name used to
come in the pub?
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00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:06,500
Who?
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00:14:08,060 --> 00:14:10,060
Used to come in with that big woman, you
know.
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00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:11,920
Don't know who you mean.
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00:14:13,460 --> 00:14:17,360
That big woman used to wear a fur coat,
live near Dennis' mother's.
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00:14:17,850 --> 00:14:18,850
Dennis who?
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00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:22,550
What big woman? You know, that big woman
lived near Dennis. You remember Dennis?
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00:14:22,670 --> 00:14:25,050
Dennis with masses of dark hair, you
know.
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00:14:25,410 --> 00:14:27,170
And his sallow boy, big with it.
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00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:30,690
Used to work for that printers at
Caterham.
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00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:32,390
What printers?
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00:14:32,810 --> 00:14:35,670
You remember, the printers that were
supposed to have done all Winston
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Churchill's visiting cards during the
war.
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00:14:37,930 --> 00:14:38,930
Who?
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00:14:41,070 --> 00:14:44,390
Winston Churchill, the war leader. Oh,
my God.
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00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:48,280
Winston Churchill, the one who's
supposed to have saved us from the
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Adolf.
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00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,200
Adolf who?
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00:14:54,140 --> 00:14:55,420
Hitler, Adolf Hitler.
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00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,340
Don't mean to tell me you don't know who
Adolf Hitler is.
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00:14:58,860 --> 00:15:00,900
Of course I know who Adolf Hitler is.
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00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:02,900
Not a moron, Harold.
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00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,220
Oh, well, don't start off.
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00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,340
Well. Well, then.
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00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,399
Well, what?
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00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,400
Well, he's dead.
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00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:09,520
Who?
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00:15:09,940 --> 00:15:13,960
Hitler? Hitler, not Hitler, silly queen.
I'm talking about...
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00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:19,370
What I mean is that Churchill saved us
from the clutches of Hitler.
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00:15:20,090 --> 00:15:21,230
Well, what about it?
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00:15:21,450 --> 00:15:24,150
Well, all I'm trying to tell you is that
Winston Churchill used to have his
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00:15:24,150 --> 00:15:27,950
visiting cards done at this firm in
Caterham where Dennis works.
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00:15:28,830 --> 00:15:29,830
Dennis who?
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00:15:31,610 --> 00:15:36,130
Dennis, the chap whose mother lives near
the woman in the fur coat.
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00:15:36,750 --> 00:15:37,750
What woman?
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00:15:37,850 --> 00:15:38,850
Oh, dear.
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00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:43,680
The big woman who used to come into the
pub with Mr. What's -his -name. Turner?
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00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,500
Turner, Turner, yes, him, Turner.
198
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,040
Well, what about him? Well, he's dead.
199
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,220
Well, they never proved it. He might be
living under another name in South
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00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,220
America.
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00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,640
Nice pub this, isn't it? That's
attractive, don't you think?
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00:16:18,820 --> 00:16:20,120
I've been watching you.
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00:16:20,860 --> 00:16:22,860
What are you going to have to drink, eh?
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00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:26,760
You've been gazing insultingly at my
wife.
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00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:30,200
Nonsense. Come on, have another drink.
What will it be, barber?
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00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:31,560
I'm warning you.
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00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:37,320
You've been staring in an indecent
manner at my wife's figure.
208
00:16:38,340 --> 00:16:41,620
Absolute rubbish, old man. I wouldn't do
a thing like that.
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00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,980
Nothing was further from my thoughts.
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00:16:45,780 --> 00:16:47,980
Barman, two large bosoms, please.
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00:17:04,140 --> 00:17:05,300
Oh, Edward.
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00:17:05,619 --> 00:17:07,180
Still you're not here, are you?
213
00:17:07,599 --> 00:17:08,599
No.
214
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:18,099
I've been dancing. Yes, but with someone
else. People will talk. Why, Tom and I
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00:17:18,099 --> 00:17:19,099
are very good friends.
216
00:17:20,420 --> 00:17:21,880
But I'm your wife.
217
00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:23,180
Tom's a better dancer.
218
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,800
Oh, very well, Edward. Go ahead and have
fun.
219
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,420
Yeah, all right. All right.
220
00:17:32,140 --> 00:17:34,520
I don't have much fun, you know.
221
00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:35,780
Oh.
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00:17:37,220 --> 00:17:40,560
Up and down all night, warming the milk,
mashing the rust.
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00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,900
shivering in the cold, changing nappies.
224
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,440
I wouldn't mind so much if we had a
baby.
225
00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:52,480
We used to have one. What happened to
it?
226
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:57,900
He went to Harrow, graduated to
Sandhurst, climbed the south face of the
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00:17:57,900 --> 00:18:00,200
Matterhorn, and he's now the Archbishop
of York.
228
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:03,280
It's time he changed his own nappy.
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00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:07,100
Edward, I feel so alone.
230
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:10,480
Cast adrift like a little boat in the
dust.
231
00:18:20,430 --> 00:18:21,890
No, you're making me seasick.
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00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,090
Edward, you just don't care.
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00:18:25,510 --> 00:18:28,110
You don't even bring me flowers anymore.
234
00:18:28,330 --> 00:18:29,550
I did last week.
235
00:18:29,770 --> 00:18:30,770
That wreath?
236
00:18:32,530 --> 00:18:37,230
I risked my life for that wreath. That
hearse was travelling at over 30 miles
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00:18:37,230 --> 00:18:38,209
hour.
238
00:18:38,210 --> 00:18:39,370
Oh, Edward.
239
00:18:39,650 --> 00:18:44,890
And don't think I don't know about your
carrying on. I saw you in there just
240
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:49,770
now, holding that girl by the rostrum. I
was not. I was holding her by the
241
00:18:49,770 --> 00:18:50,770
elbow. if you might.
242
00:18:50,820 --> 00:18:52,600
Do you ever think how I feel?
243
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,400
I know how you feel. I wanted to feel
how she felt.
244
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,060
How could you?
245
00:18:58,380 --> 00:19:00,260
Oh, you're such a little innocent.
246
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,080
No, I'm not. Oh, so you admit it.
247
00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:04,300
What?
248
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,040
I do know you know.
249
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:11,360
What do you know? Well, I could be
wrong. No, I suppose you mean about
250
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,340
me. Oh, oh, I was wrong. I thought it
was Rupert.
251
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,700
Rupert, he doesn't count. No, he's not
too good at spelling either.
252
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:24,840
Well, maybe he isn't, but he's wonderful
on the golf course.
253
00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:27,860
Oh, Edward,
254
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,019
I'm sorry.
255
00:19:30,020 --> 00:19:31,320
Come here and hold me.
256
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,040
Tight. Yes, I am a bit.
257
00:19:47,470 --> 00:19:48,470
in Vienna.
258
00:19:48,490 --> 00:19:50,590
What beautiful memories it brings back.
259
00:19:50,810 --> 00:19:53,650
Oh, but Edward, I went there alone. You
stayed here with my sister.
260
00:19:53,910 --> 00:19:55,990
I know. What beautiful memories it
brings back.
261
00:19:56,490 --> 00:20:00,190
Edward! It's a gentleman's excuse me.
Oh, so it is.
262
00:20:00,470 --> 00:20:01,470
Excuse me. Tom!
263
00:20:04,530 --> 00:20:06,770
Phyllis! Phyllis, aren't you coming in?
264
00:20:07,090 --> 00:20:09,810
Everyone's wondering where you are.
Well, they'll have to manage without me.
265
00:20:10,010 --> 00:20:11,950
But it's the last wars, Phyllis.
266
00:20:12,590 --> 00:20:15,190
Phyllis! It won't be the same without
you.
267
00:20:15,550 --> 00:20:16,570
We need...
268
00:20:29,230 --> 00:20:31,570
for this evening, Dawn with Tony
Orlando.
269
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,660
When a family owned a man that loved her
so
270
00:21:03,660 --> 00:21:10,420
Who'd believe she'd leave us to
271
00:21:10,420 --> 00:21:13,860
joy Burlesque shore
272
00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:20,460
Was there anybody seen
273
00:21:20,460 --> 00:21:27,450
my sweet tipsy rose Here's a picture
when she was mine Sweet Mary
274
00:21:27,450 --> 00:21:33,330
Jo, now she's got rings on her fingers
and bells on her toes.
275
00:21:34,150 --> 00:21:39,130
Say, has anybody seen my sweet tipsy
rose?
276
00:21:39,650 --> 00:21:44,650
Oh, I've got to win my joes for dancing
here in New Orleans.
277
00:21:45,310 --> 00:21:50,270
In a small little honky tonk, they call
the land a dream.
278
00:21:56,880 --> 00:22:01,620
Say, has anybody seen my sweet Jetson
Rose?
279
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:07,500
Oh, baby, baby, won't you come home?
280
00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:13,800
Say, we all wish that every night we
kiss your picture.
281
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:21,460
Oh, tonight the lights go dim and the
crowd goes home.
282
00:22:22,060 --> 00:22:26,360
That's the day you wake up and the
lights are off.
283
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,900
Let's say goodbye, gypsy.
284
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:33,140
Hello, Mary Jo of the Valley.
285
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:39,200
Say, has anybody seen my street gypsy
rose jubilation?
286
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:05,200
Now you know just what I mean by, has
anybody seen my gypsy rose?
287
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,900
Let's go to an introduction I think you
remember.
288
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,880
A song that you know.
289
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,960
I've never had my summertime.
290
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:21,780
Now I've got to know what is a
Disneyland.
291
00:23:23,620 --> 00:23:29,100
If you received my letter telling you
I'd soon be free.
292
00:23:31,210 --> 00:23:34,890
know just what to do if you still want
me.
293
00:23:35,690 --> 00:23:40,750
If you still want me. Let's do it
together at home. Come on.
294
00:24:01,130 --> 00:24:07,430
Put the blame on me And I don't see a
yellow ribbon around
295
00:24:07,430 --> 00:24:13,610
The old tree Lay it pretty down
296
00:24:13,610 --> 00:24:18,090
Now
297
00:24:18,090 --> 00:24:24,710
the whole
298
00:24:24,710 --> 00:24:28,470
day Bus is cheering
299
00:24:30,410 --> 00:24:35,610
Because I can't believe that I see you.
300
00:24:37,670 --> 00:24:44,470
A hundred yellow ribbons round the old
street.
301
00:24:45,290 --> 00:24:47,230
I'm coming home.
302
00:25:10,459 --> 00:25:11,580
Listen to this.
303
00:25:12,020 --> 00:25:13,200
A very funny story.
304
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:14,720
This will make you laugh.
305
00:25:15,460 --> 00:25:16,980
Well, it won't make everybody laugh.
306
00:25:18,180 --> 00:25:22,280
Well, that, of course, is a matter of
circumstances. I mean, if you happen to
307
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:28,500
at this moment pinned to the living room
wall by a sex -starved gorilla, then a
308
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:30,900
wry smile is as much as we can hope for.
309
00:25:32,590 --> 00:25:36,990
And those viewers who might be watching
on a portable television while plunging
310
00:25:36,990 --> 00:25:42,370
over a waterfall in a canoe, or are
perhaps tied to the railway lines, are
311
00:25:42,370 --> 00:25:46,770
going to get as much out of a joke as,
say, an audience sitting comfortably
312
00:25:46,770 --> 00:25:50,070
in the studio, you know, with a
complimentary bag of sweets and funny
313
00:25:51,770 --> 00:25:57,410
Mind you, we do actually take all this
into account when we are compiling our
314
00:25:57,410 --> 00:26:01,150
viewing figures, you know. And in case
you've ever wondered how we compile the
315
00:26:01,150 --> 00:26:05,220
viewing charts, Well, here at the BBC,
I'll tell you how we do it. At the BBC
316
00:26:05,220 --> 00:26:11,160
here, we have a team of highly skilled
public relations experts who go out
317
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:12,940
night and look in people's windows.
318
00:26:14,860 --> 00:26:18,100
And if you're watching us, they make a
note of it.
319
00:26:18,340 --> 00:26:21,820
And if you're watching the other side,
they knock on the door and run away.
320
00:26:24,660 --> 00:26:30,340
Now, the other side have an even more
insidious trick. They ring you up.
321
00:26:30,540 --> 00:26:33,960
And if you're watching this side, they
invite you to an orgy.
322
00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:40,420
And before you know what, you're in a
London hotel, surrounded by beautiful
323
00:26:40,420 --> 00:26:41,580
girls and champagne.
324
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:43,440
And you've missed Panorama.
325
00:26:48,340 --> 00:26:52,720
So you viewers at home, please don't
answer the phone for the next few
326
00:26:53,660 --> 00:26:55,460
Otherwise you might be out enjoying
yourselves.
327
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:04,120
Instead of listening to this story,
which is about a time years ago when I
328
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:10,660
nearly, very nearly appeared at the
Mechanics Institute Biggleswade. Now,
329
00:27:10,660 --> 00:27:15,000
Mechanics Institute Biggleswade at that
period of time ranked in popularity as
330
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,740
an entertainment venue somewhere between
the Scouts Hut at Stoke Poges and the
331
00:27:19,740 --> 00:27:20,740
Blackwall Tunnel.
332
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:30,040
My agent, I was talking about, who
incidentally is now very well off
333
00:27:32,780 --> 00:27:39,320
He's got a 15 -roomed house and a riding
stables and a grouse moor on his yacht.
334
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,480
In great comfort and place.
335
00:27:45,900 --> 00:27:52,720
I shouldn't have said that. You'll have
the screwsmen around now. But things
336
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,200
were different then.
337
00:27:54,670 --> 00:27:58,910
I went to see him where he was staying
in these dear old, the days departed. I
338
00:27:58,910 --> 00:28:01,710
went to see him where he was staying, in
the gents' toilet at Euston Station.
339
00:28:02,710 --> 00:28:05,910
And I'll never forget him, sitting there
in his...
340
00:28:05,910 --> 00:28:12,870
In his peep
341
00:28:12,870 --> 00:28:18,890
-toed wellingtons, in his army
greatcoat, in his blue plastic pixie
342
00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:21,150
smoking a toilet roll.
343
00:28:22,990 --> 00:28:27,160
Ronnie said, Ron, he said, I'm not going
to try to deceive you, he said.
344
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,900
Business has been very quiet lately.
345
00:28:29,180 --> 00:28:34,180
He said, apart from Fred Wilby and his
dancing tortoise, you are the only
346
00:28:34,180 --> 00:28:38,980
You are the only act I've got on the
books. But at last, he said, your big
347
00:28:38,980 --> 00:28:42,900
opportunity has arrived, he said. You
are going to star in the late -night
348
00:28:42,900 --> 00:28:47,440
spectacular floor show at the Mechanics
Hall Institute Biggleswade.
349
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:49,540
He said, you're open tonight.
350
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:51,320
Don't be late. They close at seven.
351
00:28:53,710 --> 00:28:57,810
Now, with that, he had taken the bag of
crisps from a passing child and he made
352
00:28:57,810 --> 00:28:58,810
a run for the exit.
353
00:28:59,690 --> 00:29:02,230
Now, at last we come to the funny bit I
was telling you about.
354
00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:07,650
I am on a train to Biggleswade and we've
been going along for quite a time when
355
00:29:07,650 --> 00:29:10,650
I happen to say to the ticket collector,
how long is it before we get to
356
00:29:10,650 --> 00:29:14,110
Biggleswade? Well, he said, it's about
ten minutes. I said, oh, good, because
357
00:29:14,110 --> 00:29:15,110
I'm getting off there.
358
00:29:15,230 --> 00:29:16,910
He said, do you mind if I watch?
359
00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:25,060
Because I've never seen anybody get off
a train going at 90 miles an hour.
360
00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:30,800
Which was his rather kind of chic way of
breaking it to me that the train didn't
361
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:31,800
stop at Bigglesway.
362
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:36,220
So I explained the situation to him and
he said, listen, he said, dry your eyes.
363
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:40,940
Come on now, boo -boos, he said, dry
your eyes, boo -boos.
364
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:43,400
Give us a little smile, he said.
365
00:29:43,820 --> 00:29:48,140
That's better, he said, because I've got
an idea. He said, supposing I ask the
366
00:29:48,140 --> 00:29:51,980
driver to slow down going through the
station, and I get hold of you by the
367
00:29:51,980 --> 00:29:57,480
loose skin at the back of your neck, and
you set your legs going, then I lower
368
00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:59,660
you onto the platform and Bob's your
uncle.
369
00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:05,060
So a few minutes later, there I was in
mid -air, suitcase in each hand, feet
370
00:30:05,060 --> 00:30:08,820
twinkling away like that, and I touch
the ground.
371
00:30:09,260 --> 00:30:12,400
and just stopped at the end of the
platform, waved goodbye to the ticket
372
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:16,440
collector, when the guard leaned out,
grabbed me and yanked me into his van
373
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:17,700
said, you nearly missed it, didn't you?
374
00:31:02,860 --> 00:31:04,880
What does it say? What? What does it
say?
375
00:31:05,220 --> 00:31:08,800
I haven't finished reading it. Be
patient, my dear.
376
00:31:09,620 --> 00:31:14,220
Patient? A letter is delivered by hand
from no lesson address in Buckingham
377
00:31:14,220 --> 00:31:16,640
Palace itself, and my husband tells me
to be patient.
378
00:31:17,100 --> 00:31:18,100
Richard, really.
379
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:23,040
I'm sorry, my dear, to be a trifle slow,
but reading wasn't my best subject at
380
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:24,040
heath.
381
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:31,200
That's why I had to give up any idea of
following a profession and became an MP.
382
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,120
I'll tell you this much.
383
00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:37,720
It's addressed to both of us.
384
00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:40,320
Here, let me read it.
385
00:31:41,140 --> 00:31:44,600
To Sir Richard and Lady Bellamy. There
we are, right so far.
386
00:31:45,220 --> 00:31:51,660
I have the honour to inform you that His
Majesty, oh, would deem it a privilege
387
00:31:51,660 --> 00:31:57,200
to dine with you on May the 21st at 8 o
'clock at your residence in Belgrave
388
00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:58,200
Square. That's here.
389
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,600
His Majesty would of course be
incognito.
390
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:02,980
I have the honour to remain, etc.
391
00:32:03,220 --> 00:32:06,420
Arthur Wormington, Private Secretary, to
His Majesty.
392
00:32:07,340 --> 00:32:09,360
Oh, Richard, I think I'm going to faint.
393
00:32:09,580 --> 00:32:12,520
Here, lie down on the sofa and I'll undo
something for you.
394
00:32:13,420 --> 00:32:16,420
Oh, no, I haven't got time for this. I'm
far too excited.
395
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:19,120
The King dining here.
396
00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:23,360
It must be because of that chance
meeting at the garden party.
397
00:32:23,580 --> 00:32:25,040
You remember, you weren't there.
398
00:32:25,820 --> 00:32:27,660
How could I remember if I wasn't there?
399
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:30,320
I told you about it.
400
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:32,440
I met him and now he wanted to dine
here.
401
00:32:32,780 --> 00:32:35,480
And all because I offered him a pressed
tongue sandwich.
402
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:38,700
Are you sure that's all you offered him?
403
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,020
Don't be silly, Richard.
404
00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:43,800
Now, we must prepare.
405
00:32:44,180 --> 00:32:45,360
I'll put the potatoes on.
406
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:51,160
Richard, it must be kept secret from the
neighbours. Remember, he'll be
407
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,020
incognito the whole time.
408
00:32:53,380 --> 00:32:55,680
From what I hear, he always is these
days.
409
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:57,440
Can't do his liver any good.
410
00:32:57,720 --> 00:32:58,980
I ring for Hudson.
411
00:33:02,459 --> 00:33:03,520
You rang, sir.
412
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:05,960
Ah, Hudson, that was quick.
413
00:33:06,220 --> 00:33:09,920
No, no, no, no. I came in just before
you rang, sir. Ah, that's what I mean.
414
00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:12,180
Your mistress wants a word with you.
415
00:33:12,380 --> 00:33:13,760
What do you mean? She's here in the
house now.
416
00:33:17,740 --> 00:33:20,440
Lady Bellamy. Oh, I see. I'm awfully
sorry.
417
00:33:20,940 --> 00:33:26,260
We are expecting a very distinguished
visitor to dinner on Friday, Hudson.
418
00:33:26,460 --> 00:33:29,020
Oh, would it be a fellow MP at all, Sir
Richard?
419
00:33:29,260 --> 00:33:32,010
No, no. someone of far greater stature
than me.
420
00:33:32,250 --> 00:33:33,250
Who really?
421
00:33:35,410 --> 00:33:36,950
Now, who could that possibly be?
422
00:33:37,350 --> 00:33:39,690
His Majesty King Edward.
423
00:33:39,990 --> 00:33:41,010
What seventh, you mean?
424
00:33:41,370 --> 00:33:43,770
Well, naturally, Edward VI died in 1553.
425
00:33:44,410 --> 00:33:45,970
Did he, by Jove?
426
00:33:46,190 --> 00:33:48,230
That's something else they didn't teach
us at Eton.
427
00:33:48,770 --> 00:33:50,870
Hang on a minute, that can't be quite
correct, surely.
428
00:33:51,090 --> 00:33:53,770
I mean, that would make this one about
300 years old.
429
00:33:54,450 --> 00:33:56,050
No, silly, there have been other...
430
00:33:56,719 --> 00:33:59,720
Excuse me, Millie, while you're sorting
out that historical point, I wonder if I
431
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,620
might inform the staff of the occasion.
432
00:34:01,860 --> 00:34:05,780
Oh, by the way, the reason I came in the
first place was to ask my lady if it
433
00:34:05,780 --> 00:34:08,320
would be possible to borrow the morning
room this afternoon.
434
00:34:09,300 --> 00:34:10,659
It's for my evening classes.
435
00:34:13,219 --> 00:34:17,139
What? Well, you see, I'm working this
evening, you see, and so the morning
436
00:34:17,139 --> 00:34:18,620
would be ideal for this afternoon.
437
00:34:19,669 --> 00:34:23,730
I'm sorry, I'm a trifle confused,
Hudson. You're not asking for the whole
438
00:34:23,730 --> 00:34:27,150
off, are you? Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
Sir Richard, no, no. You see, I'm
439
00:34:27,150 --> 00:34:30,389
this morning and this evening, so I
thought we'd have this afternoon off,
440
00:34:30,389 --> 00:34:31,389
see, for the evening classes.
441
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:33,670
In the morning room? In the morning
room, yes.
442
00:34:34,050 --> 00:34:37,429
Well, of course, by all means, Hudson,
provided you put in a little appearance
443
00:34:37,429 --> 00:34:40,590
from time to time. Oh, certainly, yes,
yes. Will that be all, milady? Yes,
444
00:34:40,590 --> 00:34:41,590
you very much indeed.
445
00:34:41,750 --> 00:34:44,110
Very nice to pass the time of day with
you, Hudson.
446
00:34:44,530 --> 00:34:46,050
Thank you, milady. Thank you, Sir
Richard.
447
00:34:46,330 --> 00:34:47,330
Where is he?
448
00:34:50,159 --> 00:34:52,260
My dear, what are these evening classes?
449
00:34:52,719 --> 00:34:56,620
He gives the maids lessons in deportment
and physical fitness. He likes to show
450
00:34:56,620 --> 00:34:57,620
them a few wrinkles.
451
00:34:58,760 --> 00:34:59,860
I'm sure he does.
452
00:35:01,420 --> 00:35:05,160
Nevertheless, I'm sure the king's visit
will give the maids something to occupy
453
00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:08,700
them. I dare say he can't wait to tell
them the news.
454
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:24,320
His Majesty is coming to dinner.
455
00:35:25,540 --> 00:35:26,100
His
456
00:35:26,100 --> 00:35:40,020
Majesty
457
00:35:40,020 --> 00:35:41,020
is coming to dinner.
458
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:11,520
Majesty is coming to dinner.
459
00:37:02,190 --> 00:37:03,009
answer me.
460
00:37:03,010 --> 00:37:04,010
Hello.
461
00:37:04,330 --> 00:37:06,630
These damn new fangle things, really.
462
00:37:06,870 --> 00:37:10,530
You spend a fortune installing them and
can't get them to work. Can't get Mother
463
00:37:10,530 --> 00:37:12,470
to hear me. Mother's not on the
telephone.
464
00:37:12,710 --> 00:37:13,710
That's no excuse.
465
00:37:14,290 --> 00:37:18,230
What? Listen, I've got something far
more important to talk about. I've been
466
00:37:18,230 --> 00:37:23,030
having a word with Rose, the head
housemaid. And Richard, she's very
467
00:37:23,330 --> 00:37:24,610
I absolutely deny it.
468
00:37:25,110 --> 00:37:27,450
The whole thing is a tissue of lies.
469
00:37:27,710 --> 00:37:28,830
I was having an all -night sitting.
470
00:37:29,230 --> 00:37:30,230
What did she say?
471
00:37:30,270 --> 00:37:31,270
She merely...
472
00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:36,000
Oh, that's different, then. Richard,
have you got a guilty conscience?
473
00:37:36,300 --> 00:37:37,218
Certainly not.
474
00:37:37,220 --> 00:37:38,740
You can't afford one as an MP.
475
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:40,440
No, no, not at all.
476
00:37:40,700 --> 00:37:43,820
Hudson missing, you say? Yes, he's not
been seen since this morning.
477
00:37:44,100 --> 00:37:48,240
Apparently, a man in a bowler hat called
at the front door and after a hurried
478
00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:51,800
consultation left again, afterwards
followed by Hudson.
479
00:37:52,220 --> 00:37:56,520
And then later in the morning, one of
the maids saw him with a large bag in
480
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:57,560
Burlington Arcade.
481
00:37:57,940 --> 00:37:59,480
Did the maid recognise her?
482
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:05,960
The large bag he was with, dear.
483
00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:08,580
It wasn't Gertie from the Gertie, was
it?
484
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:13,020
Because I know he's been hanging around
the stage door after her ever since he
485
00:38:13,020 --> 00:38:14,160
saw her as Dick in the panto.
486
00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:17,840
Richard, I don't know what you're
talking about.
487
00:38:18,060 --> 00:38:22,640
All I know is that the king is coming to
dinner here tonight and we have no
488
00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:24,040
butler. Good grief.
489
00:38:24,500 --> 00:38:25,860
What are we going to do?
490
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:30,200
Richard, you will have to be the butler.
Oh, I couldn't possibly.
491
00:38:30,460 --> 00:38:32,140
I've never buttled in my life.
492
00:38:33,070 --> 00:38:36,090
I just would not know where to begin.
There's no good going on. Look here.
493
00:38:36,590 --> 00:38:38,570
His Majesty doesn't know you.
494
00:38:39,290 --> 00:38:43,350
So you will just have to be the butler.
I will not have a strange one in this
495
00:38:43,350 --> 00:38:44,288
house tonight.
496
00:38:44,290 --> 00:38:46,330
We have six hours to prepare.
497
00:38:46,590 --> 00:38:47,590
Oh, it's absolutely impossible.
498
00:38:48,010 --> 00:38:51,810
Anyway, my tailcoat is at the cleaners.
Then you will have to wear Hudson's.
499
00:38:51,810 --> 00:38:52,810
Richard, I'm determined.
500
00:39:37,450 --> 00:39:40,410
Good evening, your lord, sir.
501
00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:05,400
Oh, this is wonderful.
502
00:40:05,620 --> 00:40:06,620
Wonderful.
503
00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:16,040
Beautiful. I love your... Stoop me,
ladies.
504
00:40:17,900 --> 00:40:18,900
Thank you, Hudson.
505
00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:23,000
Oh, he's going to do a conjuring trick.
506
00:40:24,140 --> 00:40:26,420
You're going to pull a rabbit out of the
soup.
507
00:40:26,940 --> 00:40:28,160
That's what went into it.
508
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:33,320
and a few other things. Oh, such as
what? Such as this sleeve, for example.
509
00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:34,320
that. It's absolutely stoked.
510
00:40:35,240 --> 00:40:39,240
Would the lady mind very much if I
removed my coat to serve the soup? You
511
00:40:39,240 --> 00:40:42,880
do no such thing, Hudson. Where's your
decorum? Could be anywhere under this
512
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:43,880
lot.
513
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,400
How do you serve the soup and don't be
impersonal?
514
00:40:49,700 --> 00:40:51,380
More wine, Teddy.
515
00:40:51,620 --> 00:40:52,640
Oh, excuse me a minute.
516
00:40:54,780 --> 00:40:57,800
That would be... That would be
delightful.
517
00:40:58,260 --> 00:40:59,360
I'm sorry, my dear.
518
00:40:59,790 --> 00:41:03,430
Where do you get it? My husband gets it,
specially.
519
00:41:03,750 --> 00:41:05,550
Oh, where from?
520
00:41:05,990 --> 00:41:09,150
Dundas. You'll get it specially upstairs
if you carry on like that.
521
00:41:12,570 --> 00:41:15,270
More soup, milady?
522
00:41:15,490 --> 00:41:18,710
No, thank you, Hudson. Oh, dear, I do
wish you'd make up your mind.
523
00:41:21,070 --> 00:41:24,370
No more for me, please. Oh, no, I
insist.
524
00:41:25,610 --> 00:41:26,610
Oyster soup.
525
00:41:27,510 --> 00:41:28,910
A little more, Hudson.
526
00:41:29,260 --> 00:41:30,260
Oh, I see.
527
00:41:31,020 --> 00:41:33,300
You think I will be needing it later?
528
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:37,480
In that case, thank you.
529
00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:45,600
Who's Sir Richard? Oh, my goodness,
you've scalded me, sir. I'll never wear
530
00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:46,600
sporran again, sir.
531
00:41:47,300 --> 00:41:48,420
It's Hudson.
532
00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:52,640
What is the meaning of this? Oh, I'm
awfully sorry, madam. Will you ever
533
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:54,340
me? It was done with the best
intentions. But why?
534
00:41:54,750 --> 00:41:59,670
Well, the king's secretary called here
this morning and cancelled the visit. I
535
00:41:59,670 --> 00:42:03,450
just didn't have the heart to tell you.
And you did this all out of loyalty?
536
00:42:03,810 --> 00:42:04,990
Oh, yes, sir, Richard, yes.
537
00:42:05,290 --> 00:42:09,370
Madam, will you ever forgive me? Oh, of
course, Hudson. Come upstairs and I'll
538
00:42:09,370 --> 00:42:11,890
see how badly you're burned. Oh, no, no,
no.
539
00:42:12,650 --> 00:42:15,470
Oh, no, it's absolutely nothing, milady.
540
00:42:15,670 --> 00:42:17,370
But are you sure it might need a poetic?
541
00:42:17,610 --> 00:42:19,390
Oh, no, I'm sure it wouldn't need a
poetic.
542
00:42:20,130 --> 00:42:23,330
Just a minute, my dear. You're not going
up the stairs and not the way you've
543
00:42:23,330 --> 00:42:24,330
been behaving, my girl.
544
00:42:24,620 --> 00:42:28,800
must remove his trousers here. Now, come
along, Hunter. Oh, no, milady, no. Oh,
545
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:30,220
please, milady. Now, look here.
546
00:42:30,700 --> 00:42:34,260
Oh, oh, but you, your majesty.
547
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,860
I changed my mind and came after all.
548
00:42:39,140 --> 00:42:42,400
But why didn't you tell me it was this
kind of party?
549
00:42:44,420 --> 00:42:45,420
Well,
550
00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:54,750
that's all. for this week.
551
00:42:55,050 --> 00:42:59,210
However, here is some late news. There
was a fracas in London in the small
552
00:42:59,210 --> 00:43:01,890
of this morning involving one Seamus O
'Higgins.
553
00:43:02,090 --> 00:43:06,030
After a lengthy argument, O 'Higgins was
arrested by PC Wallace Grudgen who
554
00:43:06,030 --> 00:43:08,450
claimed that his nose was broken in
three places.
555
00:43:08,870 --> 00:43:10,890
Marble Arch, Piccadilly Circus and
London Bridge.
556
00:43:12,970 --> 00:43:18,070
A Danish importer who lost a trunk full
of highly pornographic books on the
557
00:43:18,070 --> 00:43:21,690
luggage escalator at London Airport has
at last managed to find them.
558
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:25,320
His trunk came up last Wednesday, and
his case comes up next Thursday.
559
00:43:27,660 --> 00:43:31,300
The Home Office announced this evening
the number of prisoners who have escaped
560
00:43:31,300 --> 00:43:35,040
from Her Majesty's prisons during the
year. These are Wormwood Scrubs, 19,
561
00:43:35,540 --> 00:43:39,380
Dartmoor, 12, Durham, 6, and Wandsworth,
21.
562
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:42,280
Wormwood Scrubs now meet Wandsworth in
the final.
563
00:43:44,910 --> 00:43:49,970
A recent airline strike has meant that a
Hampshire woman not only had to carry
564
00:43:49,970 --> 00:43:54,730
her luggage onto the plane, but also had
to finish her journey by rail. She said
565
00:43:54,730 --> 00:44:00,190
she left Hearn by plane for Albania and
reached Albania by train with a hernia.
566
00:44:06,410 --> 00:44:10,790
The Leith police are said to be
searching for several thistle sifters
567
00:44:10,790 --> 00:44:15,070
be suffering from thick heads after
stampering thousands of small thin
568
00:44:15,070 --> 00:44:21,050
sachets containing 36 sorts of thick
syrup stolen from Thirsk between
569
00:44:21,050 --> 00:44:21,828
and Saturday.
570
00:44:21,830 --> 00:44:25,130
The aforesaid thistle sifters are
thought to have swallowed the syrup by
571
00:44:25,130 --> 00:44:26,210
it through thick straws.
572
00:44:27,630 --> 00:44:31,110
The Leith police say they can spot the
thieves by the thickness of their speech
573
00:44:31,110 --> 00:44:34,710
and as soon as they come forth they will
be summoned forthwith.
574
00:44:35,950 --> 00:44:39,570
They are asking all witnesses to step
forward and speak out, but my advice is
575
00:44:39,570 --> 00:44:40,570
don't risk it.
576
00:44:41,210 --> 00:44:43,230
They are thick you inside as soon as
they look at you.
577
00:44:53,430 --> 00:44:56,590
So it's goodnight from me. And it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.
46541
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