All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s03e03

Good evening, it's nice to be with you
once again. And in a packed program

tonight, we ask the question, can we
raise milk production if all the farmers

pool together?

You should be looking into complaints
about the motor industry, and we'll show

you something that fell off the back of
a lorry.

It's the front of a lorry.

Later, we'll be visiting the high
jumping at the White City, where the bar

now seven foot three inches, so no one
can get a drink.

But first, the news.

Thousands of trade unionists went to
Manchester today, the day of Mr Harold

Wilson's big speech.

Mr Wilson is speaking in Birmingham.

And girl strippers in Compton Street
have been on strike.

accepted a motion to return to work
today after a show of hands, knees and

of daisy.

At a coventry factory this afternoon, a
man lost two fingers in an accident.

He didn't actually notice his loss until
he was saying goodnight to the foreman.

Uganda.

General Amin today traded in his E -type
Jaguar for an F -type crocodile.

We've just heard that the man who
protested against the opening of Tower

Bridge by standing exactly in the middle
as a ship went through is now

recovering in Hammersmith Hospital.

In wards five and six.

Get well eventually.

The National Survey on how to pronounce
E -I -T -H -E -R came out with its

results this week.

Apparently, 7 % said either, and 8 %
said either. But 9 % said either,

or either. And 10 % said neither,
either, nor either.

However, 66 % said neither, either,
either, nor either, nor neither, either,

either. Two anesthetists said ether.

And two a nice... said either.

And a farmer said bullocks.

But now, a sketch.

A sketch in which I play the very
important part of Henry VIII.

And Ronnie Barker will play the rest of
him.

Good afternoon. Wonderful to see you.
Can I help you?

Yes. I was thinking of having a holiday
in your country. Oh, wonderful.

Excellent. Sit down, please.

On the floor?

Yes, on the floor. Why not? The floor is
clean.

In our country, all the floors are
clean.

We have the cleanest floors in the
world.

I'd rather stand, thank you. You prefer
to stand? Yes, thank you. It's good.

It's better you stand.

It's very healthy for you.

If you're going to stand, stand
properly.

That's better.

Now tell me, when do you want to visit
our beautiful country? May.

May is good. You'll be there just for
the start of the cricket season.

Oh, you play cricket in Grablia, do you?
Do we play cricket in Grablia? Of

course we do. We're the world champions.

We beat Poland in the final by 42
wickets.

Don't you read the papers?

No, no, no. Actually, England.

Also in May, you'll be able to see the
World Festival of Police and the

International Police Exhibition. You'll
be able to hear the wonderful Royal

Police Symphony Orchestra.

and see the beautiful dancing of the
Royal Seeker Police Paint Belly Company.

Now, how long are you going to come for?
Two or three weeks?

No, just one week. Just one week? Just
one sneaky week? What's the matter?

What's the matter? Don't you like our
country? It's better than your lousy

country, I tell you that.

Your lousy country stinks.

Our country is beautiful, and the
peasants are gay.

They are the gayest peasants in the
world.

It has been statistically proved, that
our peasants are seven times gayer than

the British.

You will enjoy your holiday. I tell you,
you will enjoy it. If you don't enjoy

your holiday, you will be punished.

Do you understand?

Now, tell me, do you want me to book a
room for you? A room for you in our

beautiful state hotel?

Well, I don't know, really.

Don't play games with me.

Do you or don't you? I don't know.

Well, just you stay there. I'll get the
brochure. I might tell you to make up

your mind. A very indefinite person.

Now, look here. If you go

to the north here, you can visit a
collective farm and see some of our

world politically orientated cows.

Now, these cows have been scientifically
trained to lay eggs.

Over three quarters of them are fully
trained chemical engineers.

Another triumph for freedom. No, Will, I
don't think... You don't think? You

allow me to make up my mind for you,
please, sir. Don't speak. There we are.

Now, look, in this house here, you will
be able to see the traditional folk

dances when the folk all come out and
dance on the green.

And also the traditional police dances
when the police come out and dance on

folk.

Interesting here. There's also the
famous local wine made by the peasants.

wine. Yes, you can hear it every evening
when the police are dancing on them.

So very funny, very funny indeed.

That's the trouble with you British,
you've got no sense of cruelty.

Now tell me, are you going to the north
or the south then?

Well, my wife and I rather wanted to
visit Splats.

Splats? What do you know about Splats?
Nothing.

What's so special about Splat? Nothing.

What's this about you and your wife? You
never mentioned your wife to me. You're

both spies, that's what you are. What's
that bulge under your jacket? Don't be

personal.

You and your wife, you are both spies,
you know that? You know what we do in

country with spies?

We line them up against the wall and we
shoot them, do you hear? We shoot them.

Slowly.

Now, you still want to come?

Yes, I do.

Well, you better wait here, because I am
afraid I get Mr. Gruber to look after

you, because I don't wish to boast, but
I am being executed at 3 .30.

What? Oh, it's all right. It's not for
anything serious.

Good evening.

As you look at me tonight, you will
notice two things.

One, I'm very handsome, and two, there
is a small rectangle at the bottom right

-hand corner of your picture.

Now, this symbol means that the program
you're watching is unsuitable for

certain people.

So, if you're certain people, switch
off.

For the rest of you, let me explain.

What do all our symbols mean? Well, this
rectangle...

means that you shouldn't watch the
programme if you are offended by

This symbol means you shouldn't watch if
you're offended by rectangles.

This symbol means that the programme
coming up is going to be a little bit

naughty. This one means that we haven't
said the programme's going to be

naughty, but it will be just the same,
so we'll get a nasty shock.

This symbol, it means it isn't going to
be naughty at all, but we've said it

will be to attract more viewers.

All these symbols together simply mean
you needn't watch, as it's another

old program about geometry.

Let's see how it all works. This symbol
means either that the language isn't fit

for children, or that I've cut myself
shaving.

In case the language wouldn't be fit for
children.

But what about those of a nervous
disposition?

Well, we've got this.

simple as that. Follow me over here.

This symbol here tells us that the
program would actually mention the word

knickers.

Sorry, they should be down a bit.

But for those who are

offended by the knickers symbol itself,
we simply add these, which means, of

course, danger knickers ahead.

If you prefer it, not tonight,
Josephine.

This symbol here means that Mrs.
Whitehouse has phoned in and she's

This one means that she's beside
herself.

That means she's fainted.

We also use initials. Now we have here,
if we see that, we know that the program

will include curvaceous thighs.

This, of course, means, as we know,
violence.

And this will mean, of course, bare
bosoms.

Of course, obviously, there is no
company that would use them all at once.

That, as we all know, means BBC.

Unless, of course, it's the other way
up.

when it stands for a programme about a
bald -headed man dreaming of two well

-developed ladies.

Had enough of that one, have you? All
right.

Lastly, to save money, we shall use road
signs where possible.

Now, that means that you can only watch
if you're over 30.

That one means the next programme is
Gardener's Club.

That one, of course, is the Rolling
Stones.

And this one, obviously, is a programme
about family planning.

That one will be William Tell.

And that, of course, is the bent
version.

This will only be one thing, of course,
and that is the final episode of Zed

Cars.

And this one, well, any offer?

That's right, madam. Father, dear
father.

Now, when anyone goes on too long or is
a stupid old bore, you will get this

symbol here.

So, let me sum up.

Limerick Clinic.

Consultant R. Kelly, MD.

Assistant J. Lang, PhD.

Please hang up your coat for ear, nose
and throat.

For a blister, see, sister.

That's me.

I take it that you've an appointment.

I was just bending down and this joint
went. At the back of my thigh, I was

passing by. Step through here and I'll
rub on some ointment.

No, I'll wait and see Dr. Smith. I'm
afraid he is no longer with us. Oh, a

one, ain't I?

Well, his hands are like ice, and when
you're undressing, he differs.

I'll be going to feel weak at the knees.

Will you send in the next patient,
please? In you go.

Just switch off the fan. When you're
stripped, there's a terrible breeze.

Lord, save us. He hops like a rabbit.

Hold on, man. Grab me arm. I said grab
it.

Well, we'll just oil the springs. Will
you take off your things? Not you,

Oh, sorry.

Just have it.

My name's Dr. Kelly. Sit down. Oh, you
can't. Never mind, Mr. Crown. Just come

round by the screen.

Well, now, what's to be seen?

Had your holidays yet?

Aren't you brown?

your breath, grit your teeth.

Your braces are caught underneath.

Well, you are in a state. We were almost
too late.

If they snapped, you'd have needed a
wreath.

Well, there's one way to make you
unbend. Oh, my... There you cured, my

I'm a limerick man.

I make sure, if I can, that you get the
job right in the end. Thank you.

Anybody else, nurse?

Tonight, we like to sing a song about
Jose, who live, who

love, who love, who love his woman so
much, he

say to her, darling, I love you so much,
I move

the heaven and earth to win your, how
you say?

He say, I've got a thousand star from
the sky to braid your hair.

I drink the sea so you can be first
woman to walk Atlantic.

He say,

my dog and I give up the tuba. I work
day and night in a bubblegum factory so

you can have all the mongooses you want.

I hire a gypsy man to serenade you and
they play requests and read

shorthand.

But this woman, she say, oh, say, I know
you can give me all these things, but

you will never understand me the way
your great -grandfather does.

He's him I really love.

I love him so much, I pluck thousand
stars of braids, et cetera, et cetera.

This, you understand, is the chorus of
this song.

But Jose, he... He...

He's a very proud man, and he will have

this woman or die.

He go into the fields and find his great
-grandfather, and there he challenge

him to a duel. Do you not love her like
I do? Say Jose.

Oh, yes, I do.

Say his grandfather. I love her.

so much, I pluck a thousand stars from
the sky like you did in the first verse.

And here to sing it for you is Enoch
Powell.

with his words killing me softly with
his song killing me

softly with his song telling my whole
life with his

words

The strange -

my dog

Thank you. Thank you, Elaine Del Mar.

Good heavens, if I thought I could sing
like that, I'd have the operation

tomorrow.

And if my wife is listening, I'm just
joking.

I have to... I have to say that because
my wife has just won a do -it

-yourself surgery outfit.

In her favourite magazine, The Lancet,
it is.

Or the Outpatients Weekly or something,
anyway.

She does read a lot of that sort of
thing because she does enjoy a lot of

health.

There's nothing she enjoys as much as a
bit of ill health. Mind you, mind you,

when I think about it, and I often do,
I... I suppose it's all

something to do with the fact that her
family have always been closely

with the medical profession, you know,
either as doctors or patients.

And sometimes both.

For instance, her father, my wife's
father this is, was in the Army Medical

Corps and he met his end when he fell
out of bed...

No,

I'm not going to embroider on that.

My father never liked his end
embroidered upon.

To each his own, I suppose.

My wife's father, in the Army Medical
Corps, met his end when he

fell out of bed examining a patient.

And he was court -martialed
posthumously, and his ashes were reduced

ranks.

Anyway, about these competitions she's
won.

I went home the other night.

You know how you do things on impulse.

She was very excited, you know, the old
Lugazade was out.

Because apparently, apparently, she has
won no less than two competitions.

She had won the competition called Spot
the Gynecologist.

And she'd won another competition where
you have six pictures of doctors and you

have to place them in the order in which
they should be struck off.

Really thrilled at the start. She has
won a prize. She's won an evening

out with a male nurse who has his end
embroidered upon.

And two, she has won have two of your
friends certified for Christmas.

Poor old Bob and Joyce Larkin are in for
a bit of a shock.

the surgery for beginners outfit.

Now, I must say, the surgery outfit
looks very impressive.

I mean, I don't suppose you could take
your leg off or anything, but I bet you

could make a nasty mess of your ankle.

That's actually nothing to do with the
reason I was asked to come here, you

know, and talk tonight. Now, however,
hundreds of people, hundreds of people,

every week, you know, write to me.

Honestly, hundreds of people write to
me.

Let's be honest, every week, nobody
writes to me.

To me, a pool scooping is a fan letter.

I get letters from my mother addressed
to whom it may concern.

There is one letter I get every week
from a fellow who says, leave three quid

use note under a flat stone in the
middle of Hampstead Heath.

And I'm not sure if he's got the
negatives.

But it's a day out for the kids.

Someone did write to ask if I would tell
the first joke I ever told

professionally.

And anyone who suspects that this is a
contrived excuse to tell an old joke,

this letter can be examined after the
show.

Over my dead body.

But I do happen to remember that it was
a joke about a parrot and a conjurer.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're
thinking, oh, good God, he's not going

to tell that old parrot and conjurer
joke.

Because that is exactly what the
producer said.

The producer of the show, he said, take
my advice, Ducky, he said.

Take my advice, Ducky.

Perhaps some of you noticed our producer
when you came in, did you?

The chap with the earphones, you know,
and the red dress.

Anyway, that needn't worry you.

Worries us, but it needn't worry you.

He said, take my advice, if you know
what's good for you. He said, if you

tell old parrot jokes, tell them the
favourite one about the old lady and the

parrot, which is a story I'd never heard
before.

And apparently it is about an old lady
who lives at the top of this... That's

why it's called The Old Lady and the
Parrot.

Who lives at the top of this tenement
block with her parrot. And she's going

one day, you see, and she says to the
parrot, Now, Polly, now, Polly, she

Mummy's going to pop down to the shops a
minute.

Pathetic, isn't it?

Nothing like an old lady talking to a
parrot.

Anyway, she said, I'm going down to the
shops, and if anyone calls, you must

remember to shout out, Who is it? Who is
it? Thus giving the impression that the

place is occupied, so that it will not
be turned over by the local nerdy world

in my absence.

Now, be a good parrot. If you're a good
parrot, I'll get you some nice

polyfiller.

So, off she

goes, silly old fool, and who should
knock at the door?

Who should knock at the door but the
insurance man?

The parrot says, who is it? And he
shouts through the letterbox, it's the

insurance man.

The parrot says, who is it? He says,
it's the insurance man.

And they go on like this for a time
until frustration and excitement,

with a long walk up the stairs, which I
forgot to mention, is too much for the

poor insurance man. And he collapses on
the ground. And he's still there when

the old lady comes back.

And she looks down at him lying there
and she says, who is it? And the parrot

from inside shouts, it's the insurance
man.

Gad, the heat.

It's the hot season.

Yes, that's what causes it.

I hope to God it's not curry again
tonight.

It always is.

It's the only damn thing they can cook
in this godforsaken country.

Care for a whiskey?

Firewater. Yes, quite, quite.

Cup of tea?

It takes two hours to get cool enough to
drink.

Yes. Well, fancy a game of cards?

No.

It's too hot for that.

Well, there must be some little thing I
can tempt you with.

It's too hot for that.

Yes, true, true, true, yes.

Thinking about it, I think you're right.

Still, it's nice thinking about it.

I think I'll have a gin.

Look at the damn filthy state of this
place. Look at all these glasses.

Where's that damn filthy swine of a
houseboy?

Marmute, come on in here. Where the
devil are you, boy?

Ah, there you are, you damn beggar. Now,
listen to me.

Big Colonel Massa want all same great
big gin tinkle, understand?

All same full up top, big, big,
overflowing, very little tonic water.

Now, you don't sit about outside on your
big fat veranda.

You come in here and clear up all same
glasses and all same living hut, you

understand? Or Big Colonel Massa will
give you all same sack and a big bag to

put it in.

You'll be all same. out on your big old
same ear.

Savvy? It's all the same to me, dear.

We must be nearer the border than I
thought.

Thank goodness Corporal Bly is coming
over here to assume his duties this

afternoon. He should be here already.

Corporal Bly? Yes, you remember him, my
batman.

Of course I do, George. I'm hardly
likely to forget him. He undresses you

night in the bedroom.

Oh, yes, of course he does, yes.

Oh, that's who it is, is it?

You see, he's a good soul, you Bly. He's
dashed keen.

Good afternoon, sir. Madam.

Your gin, Colonel?

Ah, thank you. You started your duty
somewhat earlier. Yes, I thought I'd pop

over a bit earlier, sir.

A bit warmish outside, sir?

Warmish? Come on, I don't think I can
stand it much longer.

What must it be like for the poor lads
out there on parade?

Oh, they'll stick to it, sir. For the
sake of the regiment, sir? Yes, the

regiment.

Yes, I'd better get out there and
inspect them. It's the least I can do.

is my helmet?

Oh, here, sir.

and weighs a ton.

And it's too damn small. Look at it. I
mean, can't something be done about it,

liar? We could try taking the pit out of
it, sir.

Most of the lads do that already.

Everything to your satisfaction, madam?

No, everything is not to my
satisfaction, corporal. Oh, oh.

brush in the bedroom.

It's all your fault, you wonderful
creature.

Now, that first accidental brush, as you
put it, madam, was hardly my fault. I

was actually working with the brush.

When you happened to turn around rather
quickly, there was little I could do.

And you did it beautifully.

That was maybe. And there was no maybe
about it. Kiss me. Suppose the colonel

comes back and catches us. Oh, let him.

What about the honour of the regiment?
Oh, damn the honour of the regiment.

about my honour?

Oh, well, then you're going to start
living in the past, are you?

It's the future I'm concerned with, the
immediate future, tonight.

Tonight what?

In the clearing where we met that
evening.

I shall never forget that first moment
when you came up behind me and grabbed

by the azaleas.

My lips are burning. I've got pins and
needles all up my back.

That's not passion. That's prickly heat.

You ought to be lying down.

That's what I keep telling you.

Madam,

if you think I'm going to make love to
you in broad daylight, you're very much

mistaken.

Oh, well, if it's broad daylight you're
worried about, let's go down into the

cellar.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sinking to those
sort of depths.

Quite a shallow cellar. Nevertheless,
I'm afraid it's beneath me.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, if only you weren't so beautiful and
it wasn't so hot.

go somewhere.

Yes, sir.

Anywhere.

Is he all right?

He sweats rather a lot, sir.

Who is he?

All right, men. In view of the extreme
heat, you may all undo the top button of

your tunics.

Oh, dear.

I've got to go. I've got to starch the
Colonel's front for tonight.

Oh, very well, then go.

But don't expect me to be any different
when we next meet.

I shall still want you desperately.

I shall always want you. You did
something to me then that no one else

done. Not so violently, anyway.

You awakened something in me.

Something that has not been stirred
since I was a young, frightened girl at

first handball.

hunt balls since then, but none quite
like the first.

And so is what we do.

I've never known anything that has moved
me so much or so often.

What are you dribbling on about, old
thing?

I didn't hear you come in.

Never known anything move you so much or
so often. Sounds like an advert for

Pickford's.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I think I'm out
of my mind. Out of her mind? Nonsense.

being out of things.

What's happened to your dress?

I took it off. It's this terrible heat.
Oh, I know. That's what drives a man

mad, this damned heat.

Like that chap who disappeared about a
month ago. What was his name?

Captain Wilcox. The professor, they
called him. He went as mad as a hat, you

know, through the heat. What happened to
him? Well, he just disappeared

overnight. Took 200 feet of water pipes
with him.

Stole from the stores. Mind you, he was
always inventing very strange things.

He invented a thing called the smelly
phone once.

The what?

The smelly phone. It was like a
telephone, only when it rang, you could

it. He said it was for the benefit of
the deaf.

Very hard after, wasn't it?

I know just how he felt.

George? Yes? We must leave this place at
once.

What?

What are you talking about? We're in the
middle of a bridge tournament, old

thing. We can't go now. I haven't paid
my mess bill or anything. Besides,

there's another reason.

What? I'm the commanding officer.

Well, you won't be for long if I speak
my mind. What are you driving about?

I'm having an affair with Corporal Bly.

Corporal Bly? You called, sir?

I want a word with you, sir. Was it
about your stiff front, sir? No, it was

about my stiff front.

Is it true about you and Edith here?

Well, it could be in one... It was what,
tutor?

That you've been having an affair with
her. That you've kissed her and caressed

her and fondled her and touched her. Is
it all true?

Only bits.

Bits?

Which bits? Point them out.

to fight you, sir.

I'm going to fight you for the honour of
the regiment.

I may be twice as old as you, but what I
make up for in age, I more than make up

for in weight. At least, sir. Come on,
put them up, put them up. All right,

but only for the regiment.

Come on.

Why didn't you fight, Higgins?

I ain't interested in women, Sarge.

Oh? What are you interested in, then?

Kiss a kiss and I'll tell you.

I'm glad we agreed not to fight. After
all, it's too damn hot for fighting. No

damn woman's worth it.

I'm glad I managed to make you see
reason. Oh, quite, quite.

So you were the flyweight boxing
champion of the army, were you?

Well, that was a long time ago, sir. A
lot of water's flowed out of the bridge

since then, sir. Yes, I wish some of it
would flow through here.

My God, it's hot as it's stifling. Just
the sort of weather for a native rising,

you know this? Oh, I don't think so,
sir. The natives try too lazy, you know,

sir. What did I tell you? It's started.

That's the end of gunfire.

That's not gunfire, sir.

That's coming from the cellar, sir. From
the cellar? The cellar. You stay here.

I'll go and investigate.

Where's me knob, Kerry? There.

Are you alone?

Colonel's in the cellar.

A drunkard.

Harry, I've been thinking.

I want you to forget all that has passed
between us. I wasn't myself.

Well, whoever you were, madam, you were
lovely.

No, forgive me. It wouldn't have worked
out.

Our positions are so very different.

Well, there's not much I can say to
that, is there?

It was just the heat.

This eternal, infernal heat will it
never end.

Say, you remember that damn chap who
disappeared with all those water pipes?

I knew I could do it. It was all in my
head, you know.

Captain Wilcox. He's been downstairs for
a month. No one at the place is so damn

hot he's gone and invented central
heating.

You damn... Well,

that's all for this week. Next week in
Stars on Sunday, Lester Piggott will

the Sermon on the Mount.

And we'll be taking a look at fur
-covered toilet seats.

To see exactly what tickles your fancy.

And we shall be introducing our series,
Handy Hints for the Home, with lots of

useful advice like this. Ladies, if your
electric blanket doesn't work, don't

try and mend it yourself.

Simply switch it off at once and get a
man in.

Then we'll bring you commentary on the
launching of the Irish moon rocket, if

they can find a bottle big enough for
the stick.

And we've only just heard that at the
London Zoo last night, Mr and Mrs Horace

Bungstrom were accidentally locked in an
empty cage at closing time.

This is believed to be the first time
that Mr and Mrs Bungstrom have mated in

captivity.

So, with that happy news, it's goodnight
from me. And it's an even better night

from Mr and Mrs Bungstrom. Goodnight.