All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s03e02

Good evening. It's marvellous to be with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Absolutely

splendid. We've got a packed show for
you tonight, including the dramatic

society of the Earl of Hendon's Trouser
Factory.

They'll be presenting a scene from Lord
of the Flies.

But first, a sensational piece of news.

Sheikh Haroon al -Rahm is being sued for
divorce by his 500 wives.

Apparently, they all came home early
last night and caught him with 500 other

women.

It was his first step.

Foreign news.

Uganda. At the press conference today in
the Garden of Government House, General

Amin was asked what he was going to do
about tightening up defence.

He replied, the man with the nails is
coming to mend it.

And we're very glad to say that General
Armeen has just purchased 26 episodes of

the BBC programme Pot Black.

Under the impression that it's a cooking
programme.

A man... A man was accused at Bow Street
today of stealing

and eating 300 hard -boiled eggs.

He was bound over for six months.

And an aeroplane, which is run entirely
on North Sea gas, was flown for the

first time today, watched by government
officials.

After the flight, they all shook hands,
and everyone agreed that it was a

complete failure.

They said a spokesman, or a spokesman
even, a spokesman, that's how you get

they said a spokesman, an enormous
number of shillings are required for the

meter, the passenger compartment is like
an oven, and the pilot keeps going out.

The wedding took place in Torquay today
of Sylvia Lummox for 27 years at Cinema

Usharet. The organist played selections
from The Sound of Music, the sidesman

sold ice creams at the door, and the
bride, all in white, came down the aisle

backwards waving a torch.

And at a certain church in
Hertfordshire, both the vicar and his

have been reprimanded by the church
committee after allegations of

They found his vest in her pantry and
her pants in his vestry.

And now, now a sketch which is extremely
offensive to people who don't have

television set.

So all those without television sets
should switch off now.

Oh, come in, Clive.

How are you?

It's a viney, is it? That's right.

That's the idea. Would you sit down,
please?

Welcome to Harley Street.

Thank you.

Well, now, what seems to be the trouble,
hmm? Well, I've got this terrible pain

right across the middle of my back. Oh,
dear, dear, dear. Well, just spit the

jacket off, would you, and we'll have a
look at it. That's the idea. Thank you.

Thank you.

That's a nice bit of stuff.

Handmade, is it?

Yes, yes, it is.

What would you favour to suit like that?

About 50 guineas, I think. Really? 50?
Yes.

I've got a fellow who makes them up for
me. 30 quid, you know. Very good suits.

Very nice. I'll give you his name. Oh,
thank you. Can I just take the pulse?

Yes.

That's a nice watch, isn't it?

How much would you pay for a watch like
that?

About £100.

Really? Look, tell you what, you can
have this one for 70. Look, it's

gold. It's self -winding, three months
guarantee. No, thank you, I don't want

it.

20 quid, then, eh? No, I don't want it.
No, I'm quite right, quite right.

Don't let me pressure you. After all,
you've come here for advice, haven't

I'm a specialist. We have to have some
sort of relationship of trust, don't we?

Yes. Look, 10 quid and I'm robbing
yourself.

Can I see you about my back, please? Oh,
yes, your corn back, yes.

Come on, let's have a look at that.

Yes. That's it.

Yes.

Oh, well, you know the trouble, you've
been sitting awkwardly, you know.

Sitting, really? Yes, it's that suit of
yours. That suit?

Yeah, binds you round the back. Now,
this tailor I know, he's a Greek boy,

fix you up.

He'll do a really lovely job. Wouldn't
bind you round the back at all. Nice

lapels, three buttons down there, two
side vents, slight flare, you know,

Italian mohair, beautiful job. 30 quid,
no questions asked. You can't say better

than cat.

You can't say better than cat, can you?

You can't say better, even if you were a
vet, you couldn't say better than cat.

I mean, where can you get a Harley
Street specialist who would do it

eh? If you'd just like to have a look
through those, I'll just... Excuse

me a minute. Please, look.

I've got quite sufficient suits of my
own. Okay, okay, forget it. Forget it

Forget anything I ever said. After all,
your suits are your own affair, aren't

they? You've come to see me about the
medical advice, haven't you? Of course

have. And medical advice you will get.
There we are. How do you fix for cup

final tickets? All right?

Ebrock, beautiful. They're 750 the pair.
What, a five are they? I mean, I'm not

doing any papers, you know. I mean, I
can get 20 quid for these on the day.

look, please, look at my back. Oh, your
back.

Yes, I'm all right.

Let's have a look. These are nice,
padded, comfortable seats. No, I'm not

interested.

No, no, I don't... Look, you can trust
me. I'm a specialist. I wouldn't sell

duff seats, would I?

I mean, there are doctors around here
that sell you seats behind a pillow.

I'm not interested in football. No, all
right. My back is... Okay, yes.

Well, just... No, don't worry. Just...
No, let's... Oh, yes, yes.

Do you take much exercise at all? Well,
I haven't been taking much. No, well,

you should. You should, really,
shouldn't you, eh?

Ever thought of taking up golf at all?
Well, funnily enough, I have. Look at

these clubs. Beautiful.

I don't want no clubs.

Just lie down. Just lie down. That's
fine.

Just lie down there.

That's it. That's the way there.

Now then, we can... Ever get any liver
trouble?

Well, I've had pains there. Drink a lot,
do you?

Quite a lot, yes. Would you like some
nice Norwegian brandy? £60.

I've got a lorry load outside.

Well, you can have the lorry for £30.
No, I don't want it. You'll have to re

-spray it and change it.

No, I don't want it. Well, I'll tell you
what.

£25 and I'll throw in the medical
advice. Look, will you please look at my

I am looking.

I am looking. I'm looking. I'm looking
at it.

Very tense, too.

Massage. That's what you need, you know.
A good masseur. Now, I've got one here.

Fully qualified.

Highly recommended.

Brunette. Big girl. Know what I mean?
Very big girl.

I'm not interested in girls. Oh, will
you come to the right place?

Give me two quid for the watch. No, I
don't want it. Well, 30 bucks. No, I

don't. Well, give me a pound or I'll hit
you. No!

I'll get the boys around and duff you
up, wasting my time.

No wonder we're all going to America.

Thank you.

Grant me, grant me just one thing.

Make my wife quite as pretty, quite as
smart, quite as intelligent, and twice

sexy as she is now.

My dear, please.

Large deal in tonic, sir.

You're new here, aren't you?

No. I've been here about two years.

Oh, it must be me, then.

That's why I've never seen you in here
before. I've never been in here before.

That would account for it. Yes, it
would, wouldn't it, eh?

Two years, eh?

Well, you must be very fond of it.

The work, I mean.

You meet a lot of people.

Yes, yes, of course you do.

I do think you're a pretty good judge of
a person, aren't you?

Could I have a pineapple juice, please?

A small one, sir.

Yes,

why not?

Yes, you're a pretty good judge, all
right.

Pay well here to them. Oh, all right.

I should think a pretty girl like you
must be worth her weight in gold, a

like this.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

No, no.

Once or twice, yes.

Do you think you're attractive?

I'm too tall.

Oh, I like tall girls. Me too.

Did you say something?

Who, me?

No.

The taller the better.

Right. What? Pardon?

Are you local then, are you, sir? No,
no, no. Just passing through, you know.

I'm staying at the plough.

You know it?

Nice bedroom.

Oh, really?

You know the bedrooms at the plough, do
you?

Well, I must say, you interest me
enormously.

And me not quite so enormously.

Well, do you mind? I'm trying to have a
private conversation with this young

lady. Now drink up and puddle off, will
you?

Could I have another pineapple juice,
please?

No, just ignore him. He'll probably go
away.

What time do you finish here tonight?

Oh, half past ten. Why?

Oh, I was just wondering.

Would you like a drink?

No. I don't think I'd better.

That's a double.

Please don't think that I'm trying to
get you drunk, because I'm really not.

sure? No, absolutely not. I promise I
didn't mean that. I really didn't. I

I just meant that I thought you were
very attractive. Beautiful.

Fantastic. And I thought I'd like to
take you out for a meal. Me too. Because

you're friendly and warm, and, well, you
just have such terrific... Knockers!

do fancy a meal later.

And here's my card.

Just phone me at the flower, yeah?

Look, Lillian, if you do go out for a
bite to eat, for goodness sake, don't be

late. We've got to be up early tomorrow.
You've got your mother coming over.

Someone once said marriage is a
wonderful institution.

No family should be without it.

Ever since the Dark Ages, men and women
have always felt the need of a mate.

Obviously, if a man wants to get
married, the first thing he must do is

a girl.

This is not as easy as it sounds,
especially if one is looking for certain

qualities.

For instance, you may find a girl with
the brains of Dr. Einstein and the body

of Raquel Wells.

But this doesn't necessarily mean that
she's right for you.

One should get to know a girl before

becoming involved.

A hasty decision might be regretted
later.

selected your partner do not be
disappointed if she is not the ideal

your dreams

courtship

is an operation which should be
approached with caution on your first

simply take the girl to a park and leap
on her.

Take her to an orchestral concert and
let the music bring you together.

you are ready to take her in your arms.

And as you share that first embrace, you
may find that she is only too willing

to participate.

These new sensations should not be
pursued too vigorously, however.

There are dangers if the full tide of
passion is unleashed too prematurely.

pay attentions to your love, do not be
jealous.

Be proud that other men find her
attractive.

Try to control yourself.

If this prank is difficult, sometimes it
is useful to share your emotion with a

third party. For instance, her mother.

should try to arrange a romantic setting
to propose, but whatever the time or

place, tradition demands that a proposal
is made on the knees.

And

finally,

when the happy day arrives, make sure
you have a house ready to move into.

Somewhere where you can close the front
door on the outside world and start

married life in earnest.

Thank you, Dulcie.

Nice legs.

Yeah.

Awfully good tone, too.

What?

The piano.

No, the waitress. Nice legs.

Oh, the waitress. Yes, yes.

A trim craft.

You were fond of the girls, I was.

Used to be.

Gone awful, have you?

Not at all. Still as keen as ever.

Yes.

It's really a question of opportunity
now, isn't it?

Yes,

I never seem to get the chance these
days to show my prowess.

How long is it?

Since you had... Since you got... Since
you made... Since you were...

Since you made love.

With a woman, I mean.

None of your damn business.

Since you did, I bet a pound.

What?

When did you last... When did you
last...

have been about 1945.

1945?

That's a damn long time ago.

What do you mean?

It's only 2230 now.

Thank you.

Church.

On a winter's day.

If I didn't tell her.

if I may, to tell you a rather poignant
little story about a man named Percy who

has a little pussycat called Tibbles.

Now, up to now, you've got to admit it's
got a certain ring of truth about it.

Everybody has at some time known a man
named Percy, or a cat called Tibbles, or

perhaps vice versa.

And in some cases, both.

And believe me, If you're one of these
fortunate few, this story will bring the

tears springing to your eyes like a bus
over your foot on a cold morning.

By the way, I didn't make this story up.

I read it in an old reader's digest, in
between an article called Having Fun

with a Hernia and a story about a woman
who brought up a family of four with one

hand while waiting for directory
inquiries.

for the sake of a joke, you know.

Sometimes it's a joke, but tonight it
was a lie.

No, it was actually told to me, the
story, by our local vicar when I was

out at his church bait last week.

What a nice young chap this vicar is,
full of new, young, modern ideas, you

know, like pray by mail and rent a soul
and come and see the topless verger.

You know, he's always thinking of new
ways, you know, of drumming up business.

You know, he goes up to people in the
street and says, do you want to hear a

sermon?

He often stops me on my way home, often.

Hello, Ron, he says. Hello, Ron. Have
you got time for a quick blessing?

What can you say? I get home a little
bit late, the wife looks at me and she

says, you're blessed again.

As I was saying, we held this fete last
week. Now, this fete was in aid of the

fund for the restoration of the
vicarage.

You know, which has almost deteriorated
beyond repair since it was built way

back at the early part of this year.

We had this... We had our festival, you
know, with a crowd. With a crowd

estimated at its peak to be somewhere in
the region of six.

Now, I suppose it was our own fault. We
clashed with Polo at Hurlingham,

National Lifeboat Day, and a new
weighing machine at Slough Station.

We did, however, have one bit... We did,
however...

I have one bit of excitement.

When the local beauty queen from the
tyre factory, Miss Retread of 1973...

She was selling kisses at 5p a time. An
old Charlie

from the butchers had a quidsworth and
got a bit over -involved.

But it all worked out all right, thanks
to the local fire brigade, poor

policeman and a chap for the humane
killer.

Then we had... Then we had...

Then we had the unusual pets
competition.

Unusual pets.

Which, owing to a lack of support, was
won by my wife's brother with a tin of

salmon.

Trailing this little tin of her.

Which reminds me of the joke I was going
to tell you. It's come back to me.

About this chap who had this cat.

He was very fond of, you see.

And he phoned his brother one day and he
said, is that you, Bert?

He said, is that, hello?

Is that you, Bert?

Yeah, it's me, he says. Bert, what do
you want?

Interesting situation here, you know,
where one brother has obviously got more

of his share of hormones.

Poor old Percy is very short of them
indeed, you see.

So Percy says, look, Bert, he says,
look, he said, I've got to go away for a

days, you know what I mean? And I was
wondering if you would, perhaps, take

of little Tibbles for me.

Bert says, no, I don't want any sticking
moggies in this house, he says.

Oh, please, Bert, please, Bert. He says,
there's only you and dear old mum.

She's not been too well. And Tibbles and
me have never been parted before, says

Bert, you see. So Bert says, all right
then, he said. And the next night, Percy

rings long distance from where he went
to, you see. He says, how's Tibbles?

How's Tibbles?

Bert said, he's dead.

Percy says, you say he's dead?

His brother said, yep, he's dead, all
right.

I said, well, oh, he said, what a
heartless way to break it to me, he

He said, couldn't you have spread the
news a bit, you know, to soften out the

blow? He said, you know, like tonight
you could have said he was playing with

his ball on the roof and he slipped and
fell.

But he's going to be all right.

And then tomorrow night you could have
said he didn't seem to be too well

the day, so I took him to the vet who
gave him some medicine, but he's got

and he's passed away peacefully in his
sleep.

He said, by the way, how's Mumsy?

Brother said, well, she was playing with
a ball on the roof.

Space, the final frontier.

These are the voyages of the Starship
Enterprise.

Its mission...

To explore beyond and behind this
frontier.

To boldly go beyond where no man has
gone behind before.

Approaching unidentified planet now,
Captain.

Walk back to three.

Distance?

3 ,800 miles.

Velocity?

7 ,500 miles per hour, Captain.

Chronometric scale?

Similar to our own, sir.

21st century A .D.

Precise time at present moment?

Three minutes past eleven, Captain.

You don't say. Then where the hell's the
coffee?

Mr. Spock. I wanted him to run checks on
this planet before we landed.

He just slipped out for a moment,
Captain.

What for?

Oh, he's only human, sir.

That's just it. He's not. He's a Vulcan.

He told me they never had to go at all.

Will you keep a steady course, Scotty?
I'm going to find out where Spock is.

Thank you.

used to be.

Gary, what's happened?

Sir? I'm much smaller.

Good gracious, so you are, sir. But
that's not possible.

but certain physical changes have taken
place in your body, resulting in a

somewhat abbreviated version of your
erstwhile good self.

My body? What about yours?

I regret, too, that I have become
contaminated, but in a different

outwards as opposed to downwards.

I'm approximately twice as heavy as I
was.

I think this phenomena should be
investigated immediately, especially in

case, Captain.

Why me more than you? Well, with
respect, Captain, if a thing swells, it

only get bigger.

But if it shrinks, it could disappear
altogether.

What? You are very small, Captain.

And you're like the side of a house.

Verbal fisticuffs, I suggest, will get
us no place at all.

Let us consider.

Who else on the starship has become
affected?

Well, Lieutenant Uhura is the same shape
and size as before, and... Just as

attractive. One tiny detail may have
escaped your notice, Captain.

Yesterday, she was a Negro.

Captain! Captain!

Scotty. There seems to be something
wrong with the computer bank. I'm

information back from the plant at all,
Mr. Spark.

Pardon me, Scotty.

Hmm.

There appears to be a malfunction in the
electronic brain cells themselves,

Captain. some force is being exerted
which has the effect of twisting the

patterns, producing a kind of insanity
within the machine itself.

Insanity? That's crazy.

That is another way of putting it,
certainly.

Here, let me feed it a question.

Coordinates, please, of the planet in
our immediate flight path.

Your weight is eight stone two.

Precise details, please. Type of planet,
land mass, atmosphere, life forms.

Four passport photos.

Allow me, Captain.

Full report, please, on computer brain
itself.

Self -analysis and diagnosis on override
sanity circuit.

That should do it, Captain, if anything
works.

deduce that this vast electronic brain
is out of its tiny mind.

That does it, Scotty. Prepare to beam us
down to the planet's surface. This

force must be coming from down there,
Spock. I entirely agree, Captain. It

be investigated at once. Right, let's
go.

As soon as we reach the transporter
room, Scotty, beam us down. Then you

the planet and stand by. Aye, sir.

I'll say one thing. You make a lovely
cup of coffee.

Prepare to beam us down, Scotty.

Energize.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Energizing now.

Increase power, Mr. Scott. We haven't
gone yet.

Box gone, Scotty. I seem to be stuck
here.

There's something wrong with the
machine, Mr. Scott.

I've come back.

Me too.

Oh, Scotty. Override, Scotty. I feel
like a yo -yo.

We're still here, Scotty.

Scotty, oh, for Pete's sake, Scotty!

Try the booster, Mr. Scott.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I'll go and see if I can fix it.

I'll join you later.

Captain's log, stardate 2150.

Mr. Spock and I finally managed to land
on the planet XJ340.

After trouble with the ship's computer,
we set out to search for the source of

the strange evil force which had changed
our shape.

It seems deserted.

It would appear so, Captain. However,
Mr. Scott did beam us down as near to

force field as possible. We should be
within a few feet of it. I suggest we

proceed with caution.

Search the area.

Good grief.

Greetings, Earthman.

Greetings. Are you in charge round about
here?

Yes. There are...

who serve me.

So you're the head.

I am the master.

Tell me, headmaster.

Is it you who have been disrupting our
starship and changing our physical

Yes. The ray emanates from the machine
behind me, but I control it.

we're going to say everything twice,
we'll never get out of here.

I suggest once is enough. I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. I mean, I'm just sorry.

Once. Your revenge, I believe you said.
Yes.

I loaned my body to the scientists for
experiments, and they never returned it.

They left me here like this, using my
brain as a sort of clockwork machine.

Me!

Well, at least you can still sing.

Does nobody ever bring you food?

What good is food?

I have no stomach. Tough. And women? The
same thing applies.

He has no inclination.

I'm becoming a vegetable.

What is your opinion, Captain?

I think he's off his head.

Nevertheless, an evil force which must
be destroyed.

I...

Sergeant Enterprise, wait for me there.

I have the medical unit standing by.

Stardate 2172.

I beamed aboard the Enterprise and
awaited Spock's return.

A few hours later, everything aboard was
back to normal, including my size.

But of Spock, there was no sign. Thank
you, Lieutenant Uhura.

I'm glad to see you've got your color
back.

I seem to have returned to my normal six
feet again.

It would appear that Mr. Spock has...

conquered the creature and nullified the
ray. The question is, is he okay?

Scotty, is Spock back yet?

No, Captain.

And I don't like us being down here on
the planet's surface.

Permission to blast off, sir?

Certainly not, Scotty. Not without
Spock.

Somewhere out there, there are many
other life forms.

Who knows?

One of them may have got Spock.

Goodbye? What happened?

I did become contaminated. I just grew
and grew. I intend to stay here on the

planet's surface until I regain my
normal size.

Farewell, Captain.

This is terrible.

Terrible. Don't worry, Captain.

You were right. There are other forms of
life upon this planet.

One of them did get me, as you put it.

Say goodbye, Angelique.

Well, that's all for this week. Next
week in our series, Great Optimists of

Time, we shall visit the Royal Hospital
for Chelsea Pensioners and talk to the

man who designed the maternity wing.

Meanwhile, here's some pressing news.

British Customs arrested a famous
Russian woman spy after the discovery of

miniature radios hidden in the cups of
her bra.

We became suspicious when, from the top
of her dress, we heard Kenneth McKellar

singing The Hills Are Alive with the
sound of music.

Thieves broke into the National Art
Gallery of New York this afternoon.

Immediately, police sealed off all the
exits.

The thieves then escaped by all the
entrances.

An insurance company. today refused to
pay out a claim stating that Mr. Henry

Bowker was blind drunk and smoking in
bed Mr. Bowker won his case when he

replied I was not in the least drunk and
anyway the bed was already alight when

I got into it important statistics are
published today as to why husbands get

out of bed at night it seems that 5 %
get up to get a snack 10 % get up to go

the bathroom and 85 % get up to go home

Bow Street, an unemployed labourer was
found guilty of running up and down

Downing Street at two in the morning
shouting, all the government are barmy.

was given a two pound fine for being
drunk and disorderly and a ten year jail

sentence for revealing a state secret.

So it's goodnight from me and it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.