All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s03e01

Good evening. It's good to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

let's start straight away with news of
another scandal.

A Sunday newspaper has in its possession
a picture of the Prime Minister in a

very embarrassing and compromising
position.

He is fully clothed and shaking hands
with President Nixon.

And President Nixon told a congressional
committee today that he had not taken a

lie detector test.

If there was one missing, it had been
taken without his knowledge.

In Dublin today, police raided the
printing press of Ireland's most

forger and took away two million seven
pound notes.

Whilst at a football pool, federation,
fancy dress ball, a young lady arrived

entirely naked except for a cross marked
on each bosom.

She explained that she was a chest of
drawers.

Accidentally today, Raquel Welch had a
hole in one and a very interesting split

in the other.

We understand... We

understand that many people in Chorley
are suffering from foreign interference.

There's little you can do about it, but
watch out for a Frenchman with a feather

on a stick.

The President Armin and his personal
witch doctor arrived today in a

mumbo -jumbo jet.

Yes, and when the Captain of the Guard
of Honour called out, The President

replied,

And shot him.

And now for a sketch about three
elephants and a coat hanger.

But for economy reasons, we're going to
do without the coat hanger.

Hello, I want to join the...

I want to join the library.

Do you mind not shouting, please? I
can't help shouting.

Please, talk quietly.

I can't talk quietly. That's why I want
to join the library.

I want a copy of a book entitled How Not
to Shout.

Thank you very much indeed.

Mr. Simpson?

Yes?

How Not to Shout. What?

This gentleman wants a book called How
Not to Shout.

There's no such book.

Oh, yes, there is.

I know.

It's called How Not to Shout.

No, no. There's a book called How to
Shout Louder or How to Shout

Loud. That's a very good one. Or How to
Scream at the... No, no. I don't want to

shout. What?

I want to stop shouting.

That's why I want a copy of the book
entitled How Not to Shout.

The first chapter.

Hurry up and finish it. I'd like to read
it next. I ought to read it next.

Shut up.

No, I want to read it.

I asked for it first.

Look, I'm the chief librarian. I need to
read it. Agenda.

Parachute.

A parachute?

A parachute, Mr. Aspinall.

Don't question my decisions, Mr.
Aspinall.

All it needs for you to do is to take a
wrong turning in the multi -story car

park, a few circuits, and there we are,
teetering on the edge of infinity.

That's why I brought a parachute, Mr.
Aspinall.

You'll learn that that is the secret of
good driving.

Intelligent anticipation.

Now... To the best of your knowledge,
Mr. Astral, have you suffered from any

notifiable disease?

No.

Have you any history of emotional
instability?

Certainly not.

You can tell us, you know.

The depths of the human psyche are an
open book to we at the Ministry of

Transport. Look, there's no cogs loose
in our family, thank you very much.

What are you doing?

Is all that necessary?

You wouldn't ask a question like that,
Mr. Aspinall, if you'd been driven

through Woolworths on a busy Saturday
like I've been driven through

Now, a few preliminaries.

As a general rule, if I scream, I would
like you to regard this as an

instruction to reduce your road speed.

If I tap the face here, thus, one.

it means that I want you to drive with
care because I've got my eyes closed.

If I tap the face here twice, thus, it
means I am trusting you implicitly, Mr.

Aspinall, and allowing you to move into
second gear.

Now, you'll probably hear some wind
noise because I prefer to drive with the

door slightly open.

Now, you'll get used to that, but should
you hear it close, drive with care

because it means I've gone.

Thank goodness for not crossing the
Sahara, but it should get you through

high street all right.

Charming, isn't it? Now, if you should
feel it stopping, I'd like you to give

a clear warning, if you would.

Oh, dear, oh, Lord.

Haven't we got any plasma?

No, that's in the emergency pack.

Oh, by the way, if you should have to
give me a transfusion...

For God's sake, don't get the bottles
mixed up.

There's some brake fluid in there.

And you'll find my blood group tattooed
just below the left ventricle.

Just to the left of the dripping dagger
and the scroll saying, to death or

glory. It means that the highway code is
receding further back every minute.

Eager for the fray, are you?

Yet you've been at it a while.

I've seen the flower of the Ministry of
Transport cut off in his prime.

Young Bucknell from Welland.

went out to hear one Saturday morning
with a slip of the girl, came back

completely gone out of his mind.

They found him right up a post by a
zebra crossing, singing, Nearer, my God,

thee.

Right, now pay attention.

When I signal thus, it means we're going
to turn to our right. When I signal

thus, it means we're going to turn to
our left. When I do this, it means give

two of the blue tablets from my top left
-hand breast.

It's a glass of water from the flask in
the emergency pack, right?

Now, come on. Let's get going.

Let's... Oh, by the way.

Should I divest myself... Should I
divest myself thus?

It means that we are approaching a
harbour area, and I would like you to...

Aspinall, will you come back here? Mr.
Aspinall, come back!

They're always doing this. They don't
like me, you know. It's because I speak

too well.

Mr. Aspinall, come back here, you
wretched...

The care of the sick is a very
worthwhile subject for study, and a

first aid is a must for everyone today.

80 % of accidents happen in the home.

The most important thing to remember in
first aid is to keep the patient calm.

Don't try to remedy the situation
yourself.

Simply lie the patient down, cover with
a blanket, and get them to drink plenty

of hot sweet tea.

is the keynote always when dealing with
a patient.

A blanket bath, for instance, can be an
unnerving experience if a person is

unused to it.

When bandaging an injured limb, Do not
do so in such a way that the limb is

difficult to cope with.

can often still be gainfully employed.

Fearfulness is a great asset, but
remember that one must never treat a

disability too lightly.

the patient is concerned about his
ailment and never subject him to undue

pressure.

Make sure you know how to handle
equipment properly and that it's in a

condition.

Be attentive at all times to the needs
of the patient.

And never be caught off guard for a
moment.

and our guest for this evening, Donna.

He said you'd give to me soon as you
were free. Where did hell go free?

Where is the light?

you would tell me so.

Good evening again, and thank you for
all your letters and, you know, kind

inquiries about my family, etc.

I'm pleased to be able to say that my
wife's rather delicate health has

improved.

We did have a little upset yesterday
when I took her for a row on the

serpentine, and halfway across she went
down with scurvy.

And we've discovered that it was our
Swedish au pair who killed the milkman.

It took her a little time, but she did
it.

Then we've had some more trouble, had
some more trouble with our new house.

The cement was too weak and people were
stealing the bricks.

Then the front door died of Dutch elm
disease.

Not a pretty sight.

I don't know if you've ever stood there
and watched your knocker dropping off.

Not very nice at all.

The kiddies, the kiddies, however, are
doing very well the first year at

I say very well. It's one of these
progressive schools, you know, where the

children go to school when they feel
like going to school.

And they haven't actually been there
yet.

Well, they haven't actually been inside,
you know.

By the way, by the way, I heard a
very... I said that rather funnily.

By the way, I was going to... Instead of
by the way.

By the way... By the way, I heard a very
interesting theory from Mrs. Margaret

Thatcher when I was having a quick one
with her in our local yesterday.

She said that if you can get your
children to run three miles every

three miles every evening, by the end of
the week they could be 42 miles away.

By the way, that's not the Margaret
Thatcher who is well known for getting

Parliament. That is the Margaret
Thatcher who is well known for falling

the Duke's head.

And I would say, as I was saying, you
know, schools today are quite a bit

different from the schools I went to,
you know, the old Martin Borman

comprehensive.

That was probably the last school in
England to retain capital punishment.

And, of course, the teachers weren't
really up to today's standard by any

not at all up to today's standard. I
mean, I remember our games master.

Now, his only qualification was a
rudimentary knowledge of bingo and a

on the easy six.

And I recall that the teacher who took
us in sex education was very, very shy.

In fact, he was so shy, he used to shut
himself in a cupboard and shout through

a knot hole.

Now, most people's introduction to the
subject, you know, is the birds and the

bees. Mine was a disembodied voice
shouting, some do and some don't, and

sailor.

For the more advanced... For the more
advanced... students, you know, used to

put on a black stocking and stick his
leg out of the door.

Even when I eventually, no, this is
true, even when I eventually got married

my dear, lovely wife, who is at this
moment, well, somewhere or other,

even when we got married, I was so shy
that we hardly spoke from the time we

shook hands at the altar until I waved
to her from my window of my room in the

YMCA Torremolinos.

Actually, the marriage was my dad's
idea, you see.

She was the girl next door, and her
father had an electric drill.

Now, I seem to have forgotten a very
funny joke I was going to tell you. Oh,

yes, I know.

Last. I've got it.

And I've also remembered the joke I was
going to tell you.

A chap goes into a

restaurant, and he said to the waiter,
he said, I'd like some cold vegetable

soup with some...

chopped raincoat, and perhaps a
cigarette end in it, and then I'd like

if he would, to take a sirloin steak and
set light to it, let it burn for a

while, then drop it in the sink, and
wait for just a minute, just a moment,

He said, we can't possibly serve a meal
like that. And the man said, why not?

You did it yesterday.

Deuteronomy 22, verses 2 to 5.

I beg your pardon?

Deuteronomy 22, verses 2 to 5.

Oh, I'm sorry.

2 Kings 8, 7 to 14.

Oh, really? You wouldn't surprise me. I
should have thought Micah 2 .40.

Oh, no, no. You're forgetting Zebediah
9, 13, down to I what, not what you get.

Oh, of course.

Ruth 13, 10 to 11.

No, the way I heard it, it was Daniel 3.

Oh, yes.

But surely that would mean Nahum 7,
wouldn't it?

Oh, yes, yes, but surely not if it's
done with taste.

No, no, no.

Nehemiah 2, 7 to 8.

Leviticus.

Judges 14.

Nehemiah 10.

Amos 22.

Nehemiah 10.

Haggai 12.

Nehemiah 10.

Yes, well, of course, it's all right for
you. You're married.

So this is called it.

Never keep me in here.

That's testing you.

My name's Carter. George Carter.

How are you?

I'm Dickie.

Not feeling so good myself, you know.

How long have you been cooped up in
here, then? Four years.

Four years, eh? No wonder you're feeling
Dickie.

Have you ever thought about trying to
escape?

No, no, no. My name's Dickie. Oh! Oh, I
see. Sorry.

And don't think you're going to escape
from here. This place is impregnable.

Don't you believe it.

That's what they said about Doreen
Phipps, how wrong they were.

Were they?

Well, I'm paying a 30 bob a week judge
for yourself.

No, we'll soon get out of here.

Oh, you better have a word with Captain
Whitmore.

Oh, where is he?

I'm not quite sure, as a matter of fact.
Hello?

Hello, I'm stuck in here.

The door seems to have jammed in here.

Yes, that's him. Coming!

I'm the escape officer.

How do you do, sir? My name's Carter.

Whitmore.

Sorry about the oil can. I can't get it
off my finger.

I was oiling my bed springs the other
day.

Oiling the bed springs? Is this a mixed
dormitory?

What?

Yes, rather. Oh, yes, yes.

Officers and men, yes.

I knew what you mean, got me going
there.

Thought for a while I wouldn't bother to
escape after all.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you,
Carter, but I'm afraid the only woman on

camp is Matron.

Oh, what's she like?

Blonde and big with it. I like big
women.

Luckily, she's a vegetarian.

Why? She'd have you for breakfast.

I see, that's the way of it. Well, I'm
going to get her out of here straight

away. Now, just a minute, Carter, just a
minute.

It's not as easy as that.

We have a code of conduct in here.

Of course you want to escape. Everybody
does.

But it has to be organized.

You need money, clothing, a cover story,
and all this means that there's none of

this go -it -alone stuff.

Now, we've built up a team of experts in
here to deal with every aspect.

Now, every escape must be planned, and
planned down to the very last minute

detail. Do you understand?

Which is to speak with you.

He has taken in command.

You will wash, shave, and be ready to
report in half an hour.

Keep your hair on, Fritzie, then. I have
no hair.

And I have no time to waste.

Touchy lot, aren't they, eh?

Ah, it's you, Carter.

Sit down, please.

There's no chair.

Well, instead, we don't run this place
for your comfort, Carter.

Now, just one or two things I would like
you to know before you commence your

stay here in Colitz.

This is a top security prison. There's
no escape.

Do you understand?

From now on, you're in the hands of
superior prison officers.

Should you attempt to escape, here is a
list of the men you would have to deal

with.

Hauptmann Leitz, Sturmbannführer
Schmeling, Sturmbannführer Haefler,

Blattow, and
Oppengruppenveranstaltergegrossler

Do you understand all this?

Yes, luckily my father kept a
delicatessen.

Really? Yeah, that was before he was in
show business.

Show business, huh.

I like show business.

What does he do?

He's an escapologist.

Well, Flight Lieutenant Carter, I hope
you won't entertain any thoughts of

escape from here, following in your
father's footsteps.

Because I can assure you, escape from
cold is impossible.

Monsieur, you will not manage it.

Now, then.

Here is your prison number and the
address to which a letter should be

It will be forwarded to your family via
the Red Cross. You understand?

Yes.

You realize it's the duty of every
officer to try and escape, don't you? Of

course I realize it, Flight Lieutenant.

I just thought that I would save you a
little time and energy.

I can think of many better ways of
spending the time.

Don't you agree?

I think you're right.

Quart, I think he's coming back.

Is that you, Carter?

Yeah. How's it going?

Pretty well.

Another couple of feet. Oh, thanks very
much.

How much further have you got to go?

I told you, two more feet.

I thought you meant two more feet.

Thank you very much. Has someone else
just turned to provide the socks?

How about you, Whitmore?

No, no, I've got a potato in mind.

This goes on much longer. I should be
able to grow them in mind.

Look out.

Matron.

you that the RAF have dropped a load of
Red Cross parcels for you. Oh, ma 'am.

Unfortunately,

when they hit the ground, they were
shattered completely.

Only one survived.

Oh, why?

I had fun bathing on the roof, and it
landed on top of me. It bounced.

Yes, it would.

Bring it in, please.

What? Oh, the box. Thank you, chappy.

Well, no wonder it bounced.

It's a load of balls.

Yes, a few balls.

All clear.

Right, this is it, lads. I'm going to
make my final bid for freedom. If I'm

back within three hours, come down the
tunnel and investigate.

Right. Good luck, Carter. Drop us the
postcard. I'll do better than that. When

get to France, I'll send you a letter.

All we've got to do now is wait.

Well, it's three hours later.

I'm going through to investigate.

Good Lord.

What are you doing?

You've got to take it when you can get
it.

You never told me the tunnel came out in
Matron's bedroom.

Pure coincidence.

Bit of luck, though, ain't it?

Got to work this time.

I don't see why I shouldn't.

We've got money and papers.

Once we get over that wall, we stand a
damn good chance.

Got the sheets tied together?

Only two.

Most of the lads were damn mean about
giving us the sheets.

Damn selfish bastards.

You were the only one who volunteered.

That's all right. Only two sheets?

How high is this wall?

Eighty feet.

Well, we'll just have to drop the last
bit.

Come on.

You look fine, honestly.

Well, goodbye, Chapman Hillsport.

See you again when this damn show's
over.

Yeah.

Thanks for the sheets, Dickie. Welcome.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Who needs sheets?

Come in, Matron!

We're over. Are you all right?

Here's fine.

Bit of a headache.

I suggest we stay put under the shadow
of the wall till morning.

Good idea.

Good night, old boy.

Good night, old boy.

Bye.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Hello. You got over the wall, did you?

You will be sorry, I can assure you.

Welcome to Butler.

Well, that's all for tonight.

Next week, we'll be asking some
searching questions on education, for

Can cross -eyed teachers control their
pupils?

And on divers with chickenpox, do they
really come up to scratch?

And for music lovers, the Birmingham
Bean Ensemble will amalgamate with the

Birmingham Radish Ensemble to form the
Birmingham Wind Ensemble.

Now, a few items of late news.

Sir Hartley Withers, the explorer, had a
fantastic escape today.

He was being chased by three hungry
lions, and they were only two feet

him when, a thousand to one chance, he
was eaten by a crocodile.

And a seed firm in Luton claim they have
grown a new kind of lettuce that

enables men to live to a great age and
retain their virility.

If you want any of these seeds, please
write to Dunmore and Sons and Sons and

Sons and Sons.

What utter nonsense.

And they taste revolting anyway.

Newsflash.

A last, sorry, a last newsflash that's
just handed to me here reveals that W

Smith are to ban a thousand -piece nude
jigsaw of Tom Jones unless 73 pieces are

withdrawn.

So it's goodnight from me and it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.