All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s02e07

Good evening. It's nice to be with you
again. On the show tonight, we've got a

rather unusual snake charming act
featuring the world's most mature

snakes. The act is called Abdul and his
load of old cobras.

And we've got a bell ringer who will
show you how to peel bells and a banana

ringer who will show you how to peel
bananas.

But first, first the news.

Answering complaints about the high cost
of a new £90 ,000 public lavatory built

recently in a Midlands town, a council
spokesman said, it may sound a lot of

money for a public toilet, but we can
assure ratepayers that it'll be worth

every penny spent.

In the World Plumbing Championships in
Oslo today, the Dutch entry was flooded,

the Icelandic entry froze, and the
Chinese entry was disqualified for

from right to left.

The British entry said that it would be
round first thing in the morning.

And now, news of some unfortunate
incidents at a circus in York this

The management took action against the
human cannonball and fired him.

They said his act was over the heads of
the audience.

And the police were called to the circus
to arrest the whole of the Prague

trampoline team after complaints that
six checks had bounced.

In the ensuing confusion, the lion
escaped and threw the whole circus into

panic. The strongest man in the world
fainted, and the India rubber man

completely erased the tattooed lady.

The thinnest man in the world had a
narrow escape, and the bearded lady had

close shave.

And now a sketch, which we feel is one
laugh from beginning to end.

But we're hoping for more.

There is a message for Admiral the
Compost Heap. Will Admiral the Compost

please come to reception?

Was that Paul for you at all?

No, no, not my name. Was it for me?

Message for Admiral Secompost Heap. Will
Admiral Secompost Heap please come to

reception?

Practically six bells.

I think I'll take a turn around the prom
for you.

Turn around the prom.

Pull the other one. It's got six bells
on it.

That would Admiral Secompost Heap.

No doubt about it. He was probably
scared we were all going to laugh at his

rather extraordinary name.

As if we do a thing like that. I mean,
it's not his fault he's called Compost

Heap.

It's his parents' fault for being called
Compost Heap before him.

I mean, a man called Compost shouldn't
be a woman called Heap.

It's not his fault, is it? It's not a
thing we'd laugh at, is it?

Compost Heap.

Compost bloody Heap, eh?

I used to know a girl, actually, called
Angela Compost Heap. She was one

of the Somerset Compost Heaps. There was
a load of them down that way, yeah.

We have a telegram for Mr. Algernon
Bedpan.

Will Mr. Algernon Bedpan please come to
reception?

Just nipping off to the gents.

He's not going to the gents for his
start -off.

He is Algernon Bedpan.

No need to go to the gents for a name
like Bedpan.

There's a young lady at reception asking
for Archdeacon Rumpel.

Archdeacon Rumpel, please.

Oh, well, sitting here.

Won't get the sermon written, will it?

No.

Rumpo by name and Rumpo by nature, eh?

I used to take out a girl once, you
know, called Virginia Rumpo.

Very, very embarrassing. She eventually
married a chappy called Henry Draws.

And now she's called... Oh, don't tell
me. I can see it coming.

Lady Fosgrave. Yes.

We have an emergency call for Major
Messer.

Major Messer, please.

All right.

All right.

I'm Major Messer. I'm not ashamed of it.
What's in a name?

Messer be name and Messer be nature, eh?

Damn fine military name, Messer.

The mess -ups of every British battle
since Agincourt.

I will, Mr.

Cornelius Vanderpuff. Please come.

Mr.

Cornelius Vanderpuff.

I wonder who this was for. Who is this
Vanderpuff?

Well, off with the noggin, now I go.

Cheery -bye, my fellow Englishmen.

That's not an English mince.

He's a Dutchman and I'm a poof.

It's frankly awkward having embarrassing
names, don't you think?

I must be, must be, yes.

I don't, um, don't actually think. I,
uh, I caught your name.

No. No, you wouldn't have. You wouldn't
have.

Will Mr. Ivor Big Nose please go to the
kiosk where a message awaits him?

calling Mr.

Ivor Big Nose.

Ivor Big Nose, that's your name. No, no,
no, no, I'm not Ivor Big Nose. No, no,

oh.

I'm awfully, I'm awfully sorry, but I
did think for a moment there that your

name was Ivor Big Nose. Look, if I had a
name like Ivor Big Nose, I wouldn't

come to a place with a bloody loud
speaker, would I?

We have a...

message for Alderman Fat Pimple.

Will Alderman Fat Pimple please go to
the foyer and meet Mrs. Fat Pimple?

Well, I must be going then.

Nice to have met you, Mr. Fat Pimple. I
mustn't keep Mrs. Fat Pimple waiting or

all the little fatty, wacky pimples.
Look, I can't help me name, can I?

I trusted love before Got mad and closed
the door

But you said try Try just once more I
took you

for the one Now I'm having so much fun
You treated me so kind I'm about

to blow my mind You made me so Very
happy

I'm so glad you came into my life

the

others were untrue but oh when it came
to

loving you I'd spend my whole life with
you

cause you gave me to control you were my
very soul I wanna

show you that loving you is great That
was You Made Me So.

I love you so much, you see, that you're
even in my dreams. I can hear you.

I hear you call me.

I'm so in love with you.

All I ever wanted to.

so.

like to speak to you tonight about
amusing things to do with loofahs.

But I'm a Ministry of Transport
spokesman, so I can't.

So, I'm going to talk to you about
transport.

Now, a lot of exciting changes are
taking place in British transport.

Next week, for instance, we are
introducing a new experimental

Chelmsford. There we are.

Now, if this roundabout is a success, we
will introduce 400 more.

If it's a complete failure, we will
introduce 500 more.

Now, how do you use it? Well, you avoid
Chelmsford.

For those of you who can't avoid it, if
you are coming towards London, follow

the arrows, and if you're coming towards
Chelmsford, dodge the arrows.

If you live in Chelmsford, move.

And if you can't move, you've probably
got cramp in your BRM.

In which case, give up driving
altogether and do what Long John Silver

on a bus.

Take care not to stick your crotch
through the window.

We're also introducing new experimental
zebra crossings marked with an

experimental flashing zebra. Here is a
zebra.

If the tail lights up, cross.

If the front lights up, don't cross.

If anything else lights up, fetch a vet.

And now something even more
revolutionary.

Next week, the Minister of Transport in
person, and he is in person, will open

Britain's first experimental drive -in
swimming pool.

Now, we are building 200 of these, one
in London, one in Birmingham, one in

Liverpool, and due to an administrative
mistake, 197 in Watford.

So... So you will all be able to go for
a nice swim

without getting out of your car and vice
versa.

Advanced motorists, of course, will be
able to drive into the pool off the high

board. Very advanced motorists will be
able to do it backwards, and good luck

them.

We are also opening a new experimental
Ministry of Transport safari car park,

where you will be able to see literally
hundreds of cars in their natural

habitat, without ever getting off your
elephant.

And on the back of your elephant, if
you're brave enough, you can stick a

sticker which says, We've seen the
lorries of Longleat.

Don't forget to stand well back.

Last year, in addition to all this, we
built no less than 629 miles of new

And when we link it up to the old roads,
you'll be able to use it.

But all this costs money.

Your money.

Nevertheless, we shall keep open every
mile of our existing railways. The only

thing we're going to cancel will be the
train.

But you will still be able to use the
lines as footpaths.

There'll be picnic areas where you can
sleep or eat or simply read between the

lines.

The fast service to Brighton will take
23 hours, and if your clothes get dirty,

you can always change at Hayward's
Heath.

Oh, thank you.

And finally, here is the very latest up
-to -the -minute news on the

exhilarating and exciting projects we at
the Ministry have laid on for all of

you in the next ten years.

They're cancelled.

Now I'd like to end by giving you some
impression of our new experimental

foghorn. Bye.

The trail of death and destruction that
had dogged the footsteps of our

overweight hero, Piggy Malone, and his
much maligned assistant, Charlie Farley,

continued relentlessly.

The beautiful Blanche Brimston, who was
admired throughout the country, and

whose puppies had won prizes at crafts,
was now the only surviving member of the

household. The latest victim of the
killer was Pike, the butler, who had

discovered in the kitchen, hanging from
the bell rope.

Malone returned to the dining room where
Blanche and Charlie waited anxiously.

He was obviously preparing dinner when
it occurred.

The rest of the staff left days ago.
It's terrible, terrible.

What are we going to do?

Well, we could eat out.

Oh, yeah, that's an idea.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't worry.

I'll prepare dinner. You stay here and
rest. You must be worn out, poor thing.

Do you think we ought to let her go on
her own, Chief? Yeah, we'll have to risk

it, Charlie.

I'm starving.

Anyway, I want to talk to you.

Why should anyone want to murder Pike?

I mean, surely he wouldn't inherit the
money, would he? That could be an

entirely different motive, Chief.

I've taken the liberty of drawing up one
of my charts,

listing all the suspects, cross
-referencing all the various motives,

the methods the crime could have been
committed by.

Thank you very much.

Well, there we are, Chief.

You'll notice that I've used code words
so that no one can understand it, you

know, should it fall into the wrong
hands.

Good work.

I presume you can understand it, though,
can you? Oh, yes, yes, it's all in my

mind.

Now, you'll notice that in this column,
I've listed the various methods of death

that could possibly be used.

For example, balloon, trouble and
strife, glug, glug, glug, gardens of

and over here... Hang on, hang on.

What's all that mean?

Oh, sorry.

Sorry about that. Yes, of course.

Balloons means blowing up.

Blow up. Balloons.

See? Trouble and strife.

Knife.

Glug, glug, glug.

Drowning, you see.

And the gardens of Babylon hanging.

Hanging gardens of Babylon.

What's that there?

Potatoes?

Oh, that's nothing, sir.

Nothing? No, that was just an empty
space, and we'll never have got an empty

space.

And you really think this chart is going
to tell us who's done all these

murders? Well, I think you'll find if we
study it for long enough.

Yeah.

Sooner or later, the killer will emerge.

Then I'll be ready in 15 minutes.

Oh, sorry, did I interrupt something?

Not at all, madam.

Your entrance was very timely.

Very timely indeed.

Ah, good.

Perhaps you'll open a bottle of wine.

Good God.

Blanche Brimstone.

Why didn't I think of that before?

You mean that she committed those
horrible crimes? Why not?

Well, what makes you think that?

Motive, opportunity, they're all there.
But there's one reason which far

outweighs the rest, Charlie. What's
that?

She's the only one that isn't dead.

Nothing but a big front.

Sticks out a mile, really, when you
think of it.

I don't know how she keeps it up.

Charlie, there's a couple of points I'd
like to discuss.

I'm talking about dinner. Do you realise
it's in 15 minutes? Oh, good God, and

she's going to prepare it with her own
fair hand.

Ever heard of poison?

Oh, my goodness, we'll have to eat it,
you know. I mean, otherwise she'd

something.

Exactly.

I wonder what devilish concoction her
warped mind is going to produce.

There we are.

Eat them all up, then you'll be lost.

No, no, no, really, no. That's far too
many for me. You have those.

I'll have yours.

Nothing.

I wouldn't hear of it. Look, I insist.

They give me indigestion.

Oh, very well.

You like beans, do you, Charlie? Oh,
yes.

Then you have this large helping.

I say, Chief, I think... I've got the
bean you started with. Oh, good, yes,

that's right. There we are.

Let's heat up.

They'll be getting cold.

You know, it's slick.

I have my own plate back.

I remember the little crack on the side.

Come on.

Plenty more.

Heat up.

And so are... Two pathetic heroes ate a
frightening three -course meal of beans,

beans and more beans.

And after a hair -raising cup of coffee,
they all retired to bed with

indigestion. And outside, fog began to
build up in the channel.

Well,

I'm not sleeping with her.

Well, I'm not. I'm having the camp bed.
Oh, no, that's my camp bed. That's my

camp bed. I'm having that.

We'll have to go in with her. Look,
whose idea was it to lug the camp bed up

here anyway?

Why, I'd rather take the camp bed all
the way to Country House, you said.

Carrying coals to Newcastle, you said.
Well, your coals have come home to

Roosemate, so you can put that in your
pipe and smoke it. You've burned your

boat, and I'm going to lie in it, so
there.

What's going on, boys?

Oh, we're just, uh, just arguing about
who's going to sleep with you.

Oh, why not both of you?

It's a very big bed, plenty of room for
all of us.

And you did say you'd protect me. Oh,
dear, I can't. Look, I haven't got any

pyjamas. Look.

Oh, you've got some pyjamas, Chief.

What? What about you? It'll have to be
you. No, no, hang on, hang on. Don't

worry. I know what we can do.

Come with me.

Both of you.

I like wearing men's pyjama tops.

Don't you find it attractive, Charlie?

Well, it wouldn't matter much if I did,
would it? Couldn't do much about it in

this lot, could I?

I think it's adorable.

Don't you, Mr Malone?

Don't ask me. Look, I feel ridiculous
like this.

What's the deal?

All in a good cause.

Into bed.

Oh, I'll just clean my teeth. I shall be
a moment.

Give me a hand into bed, then.

Oh, yeah.

Why have you got your hands inside the
trousers, anyway?

If she attacks now, you'll defend this,
ain't you?

No, I'm not.

I'm holding a blunt instrument inside of
you.

What is it?

A brass candlestick.

Have you got your automatic?

Yeah.

It's tucked inside my matching briefs.

What the wreck is she doing in there?

We'd better put her in the middle,
Charlie.

Yes. At least that way, Chief, we'll
know where she is.

Anyway, I don't want to sleep next to
you, and not while you're wearing that

nightie.

What are you talking about?

What's that?

Poisoned.

No doubt about it.

But how?

Exactly.

We all ate the beans.

And we all drank the coffee.

And no one ate or drank anything else.

We all came to bed.

She went to clean her teeth.

My God, the toothpaste!

Precisely.

The poison was in the stripes.

But you're dead!

It would appear not.

So the professor had not died after all.

Piggy Malone was stunned.

Charlie Parley's brain began to race.

Had the professor seen him?

Where had he left his blunt instrument?

Why hadn't he followed his mother's
advice and become a window dresser?

One thing was certain.

There would be very little sleep for
anyone that night.

I walk along the city streets.

You used to walk along with me.

And every step I take recalls how much
in love we used to be.

Oh, how can I forget you?

When there is always something left to
remember.

to love you.

And I will never be free. You'll always
be a part of me.

When shadows fall, I pass a small cafe

where we would dance at night.

And I can't help recalling how it felt
to kiss and hold your time.

Oh, how can I forget you?

When there is always something that you
remind me.

Always something that you remind me.

I was born to love you.

Just make your way to that cafe where we
would go, and I'll be there.

Oh, how can I?

Good evening.

Well, this evening, I'm going to tell
you how to make Fanny Craddock.

Or, on second thought, I'll tell you a
joke.

No, it's about a chap, actually, who
went into a moneylender's and he said, I

want to borrow 20 pounds.

By the way, this parcel has nothing to
do with this week's show.

Or, for that matter, next week's show.

Or any other show, really.

So, I might as well forget about it,
really.

I actually only brought it out here
because if I leave it back there, people

will muck about with it and look up it
and one thing and another, you know.

So we'll just, you know, try to forget
about it. Really, it's the best thing to

do. Try to forget about it.

And, you know, we'll just do that. Just
sort of ignore it, really.

Pay very little attention to it and try
not to look at it, you know, if you can

avoid it.

This chap goes into the moneylenders and
he said, I'd like to borrow some money.

The moneylender said, oh, yes.

Because money lending is rather a
depressing business. I mean, you've only

to stand out there near the tea machine
for five minutes to know what it feels

like to be a money lender.

And this chap says, I'm going over to
the continent for a few days and I'd

to borrow about 20 pounds. So the money
lender said, well, if you've got some

sort of security.

So the chap said, well, I'll tell you
what I'll do.

I'll leave you my Rolls Royce, which is
standing outside your front door. So the

money lender said, that sounds
reasonable enough.

I'll put it in the garage.

And if you don't come back, it's mine.

Okay? So a week later, the chap comes
back, claims his car, pays the money

lender £20 plus 50p interest, and he's
just leaving, and the money lender said

to him, tell me something.

Why does a man like you, you know, with
a big car, lovely suit, trip to Paris,

have to come to me to borrow £20 plus
50p interest?

And the man said to him, will you tell
me somewhere else I can park a roll for

ten bob a week?

Right, if you must know, this is a
little something I picked up in the war

surplus shop.

And it's the wife's birthday tomorrow,
so I'm going to give it to her. I know

she'll be rather surprised, because she
was expecting Sasha Distel.

Now, even now I'm not sure if I've done
the right thing, but it did seem such a

bargain. You see, this cost £5 ,000 to
make.

Slashed 30 bob.

Now, the man in the shop said to me, he
said...

The man in the shop said to me, you're
lucky, he said, I've just slashed that.

Actually, I never went to the war
surplus shop to buy this at all, you

went in to ask if they'd got any ex
-commander string vests to fit a five

-old.

And the man said they'd be getting some
in.

Now, good heavens, the bargains I've had
out of that shop. Now, look, this

watch, for instance, this watch, tells
you the correct time in 27 different

countries.

Unfortunately, England is not one of
them.

Good morning, Lagos.

And good night, Vienna.

I suppose, you know, meaning that, you
know, this actually, I can tell the time

in Lagos and Vienna here from this
watch.

And Birmingham.

And London, Shepherd's Bush.

By the way this is going, it's about
four o 'clock in the morning.

Now, I suppose that my... I suppose
there must be people among you who are

saying to themselves, why does he go
around looking for bargains? He's on the

telly. He must be worth a fortune.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, wish I hadn't done that.

One of my eyes has come loose.

Now, please don't think the BBP don't
pay us enough all this morning. It's the

tax people that are on to us. I mean,
the old days were tax people. The old

when you could send them a fiver and two
tickets for Z cars are over.

I mean, good gracious, I went to see my
local taxman last week. I said, good

morning. He said, good morning, you
little swine. Where's the money?

And it's no good pleading ignorance
because they've got new methods.

They've got this enormous computer all
along one wall, and they feed all your

facts in, and when it stops, they bang
your head against it.

And they can get very nasty if you upset
them, you know.

One fellow lost his P45.

They keep him in a jar.

I was discussing money troubles
recently.

I was discussing money troubles recently
with a chap who lives across the road

from me, and he said, you think you've
got worries about money? He said, I am

the hands of a psychiatrist, he said.

I said, how can you be worried about
money? He said, you've got a house twice

big as mine, three cars, a yacht, and
your kids at a private school.

He said, that's it. I only earn 17 quid
a week.

A river's flowing up the hill, it keeps
moving, I keep still.

Some folks say that thinking makes you
blind.

And when the wind is blowing from
behind,

it blows my mind.

Painted girls and neon lights.

Lord, you made the darkness bright.

The hole in my blue jeans is hard to
find.

But when the wind is blowing from
behind, it

blows my mind.

A barrel organ's life is one long grind.

And when the wind is blowing from
behind, it

blows.

there, everybody.

It sure is nice to be back here with you
again. I'd like to take this

opportunity of introducing you once
again to my old partner and buddy, Fat

Jones. Let's hear it, folks.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you, people. Thank you. Mighty
glad, mighty glad to be back. Nice to

you. Real nice.

Of course, me and Fat Belly, we've
traveled all over the world and parts of

Scotland, too.

A lot of folks, a lot of folks don't
think that we're cousins, do they, Fat

Belly? No, they don't, Big Jim. No,
that's true. They don't. No, they don't

know. I didn't know that myself.

No, we sort of have cousins, you know.

He's a cousin I ain't.

No, that's just one of my little jokes.

Wish I could think of one of my big
ones.

I think maybe we'd better get stuck
straight into the next song. This song

discovered by me and Fat Belly when we
was walking across America.

Boy, that was quite a walk, wasn't it,
Big Jim?

Yeah, we was in the state of Tennessee,
weren't we? Right, right, right. Least

of ways, I was in the state of
Tennessee. He was in the state of

And suddenly this athlete ran by,
throwing these little bits of paper in

air, sort of paper chase, I guess you'd
call it. Yeah, and it turned out to be

the manuscript of this song was all torn
up into bits and thrown on the ground.

Yes, sir, it was just one of those songs
that we just picked up as we went

along.

And here it is. It's all about a pretty
gal who kept saying the wrong thing. Hit

it, fat belly.

Right, here we go.

My cousin Pauline was a Tennessee queen
as pretty

a critter as you've ever seen. But she
was so dumb that no matter how she

tried...

When she opened her mouth, she put her
foot right inside.

We knew what she meant, we knew what she
meant.

We heard what she said, but we knew what
she meant.

She invited the preacher to her house,
they say.

She said, it's a party, I'm 19 today.

Ma bought me a dress and a bonnet so
cute.

So come round and see me in my birthday
suit. We knew what she meant.

We knew what she meant. We heard what
she said, but we knew what she meant.

She went to a dance hall one night on
her own and smiled at a young man who

stood all alone.

He remarked that he'd not had the
pleasure before.

Pissy answered, come on then, let's get
on the floor.

We knew what she meant, we knew what she
meant. We heard what she said, but we

knew what she meant.

One day she went into a department store
and she said to the guy who was snoozed

by the door, I need some material to
make a new belt.

Perhaps you can tell me where I... I can
get built. Well, we're watchmen. We

knew watchmen.

We heard what she said, but we knew
watchmen.

She said, I once met a guy with dark
wavy hair. So we rushed off to Alaska

quick love affair.

But I came back disappointed with a cold
and a cough.

We were both frozen stiff and I just
broke it off.

We heard what she said, but we knew what
she meant. We knew what

she meant. We knew what she meant. We
heard what she said, but we knew

what she meant.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very
much, Phil. Thank you very much indeed,

ladies and gentlemen.

Well, I want to say it's been real nice
of you to let us break into your homes

like this and steal a little of your
time.

Now, we're going to move on. I want you
to know we really appreciate being with

you a whole heap.

Oh, yes, sirree, Big Jim. Yes, sirree. A
whole big steaming great pile. Yes,

sirree.

I'd just like to say goodnight and leave
you with this little poem.

Last night I saw my grandma.

It seemed such a doggone shame.

She looked a million dollars, but we
buried her just the same.

A little song called The Girl Who's
Gonna Marry Me. Bye now. Bye now.

She can sew, she can hold, she can read,
she can write, she can cook a man a

breakfast in the middle of the night.
She can cut up a chicken, she can cut

a tree.

That's the girl who's going to marry me.
She can pick, she can shake, she can

juggle, she can jump, she can drive a
fella crazy with a wiggle of a rump. She

can stand in the saddle, she can sit on
your knee.

That's the girl who's going to marry me.

She can joke, she can smoke, she can
drink a dozen beers, she can move a

piano, she can move a man of tears.

That's the girl who's gonna marry me.
She can fight, she can bite, she can

she can fool. She can shoot the mountain
lion, she can shoot the little bull.

She's as fit as a bird and as fickle as
me.

That's the girl who's gonna marry me.
Now play that thing now, now, big Jim.

Yeah, that's it.

She's the girl who's going to marry me.

well that's all for this week but first
some late news

A man was arrested on Beachy Head this
evening for dropping a grandfather clock

off the edge of the cliff and narrowly
missing his wife, who had passed by a

seconds earlier.

Said the man, that damn clock always was
too slow.

And a chemist's shop in Eastbourne was
broken into last night. The entire stock

was taken, except for quantities of hair
cream and the pill.

Police are looking for a bald -headed
Catholic.

And now a message from the police in
Finchley.

They stated today that of the two
rabbits stolen last month from the super

pet shop, only 14 have so far been
recovered.

Next week we hope to bring you news of
the 48 that are still at large.

We shall also be showing excerpts from
the new BBC series The Cold It Story,

from a documentary about miners called
The Cold Tips Story, and from a film

starring Raquel Welsh as an Eskimo.

which as yet has no title. Perhaps
viewers may be able to think of one.

And so it's goodnight from me. And it's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.