All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s01e06

Good evening. Nice to be with you again,
isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. Very nice

indeed. We'll start straight away with
some news of an exceptionally busy night

for the police.

Ten tons of human hair on the way to be
made into wigs fell off a lorry on the

A1 today.

Police are still combing the area.

And in Sussex... A van load of bread
overturned when it collided with a lorry

carrying tins of pork luncheon meat.

Motorists should proceed with caution as
the road is blocked by an unusually

large sandwich.

And the South Pilling Fire Brigade,
which has been late for every fire in

last seven years, is seeking advice.

Please ring them at South Pilling 76249
-357 -721 -0464.

Extension 50375.

And earlier today, at the Old Bailey,
Jim Spriggs, the world's greatest

confidence trickster, sentenced the
judge to five years hard labour.

While in Battersea, a self -employed man
was found guilty of defrauding the

Minister of Social Security by sticking
trading stamps on his national insurance

card. He was fined £50 or an electric
food mixer.

And now...

Some more bad news, I'm afraid, about
the social services. The Midwives

Association announced plans today for a
nationwide strike and will not deliver

any more babies as from midnight
tonight.

As from tomorrow, you'll have to collect
them for yourselves.

And now it's time once again to consider
the state of the party.

Yes, absolutely true. Yes, absolutely
true. I was there at the time.

Yes.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Jolly nice of you to come.

Not at all. Have a drink.

Thank you very much.

Oh, thank God. I say, that's an awfully
unusual jump you've got there.

Oh, well, it's the latest thing to do,
this. This is the fun thing.

It's all the rage.

I read it somewhere. I think, didn't I?

No. Oh. No. It's utterly ridiculous and
no one ever does it.

Oh. Completely ridiculous and absolutely
unfashionable.

Oh, that's good.

Well, it is rather Fergal. I thought of
it my Sergal.

Is that the latest trend, saying
everything and adding Ergal on at the

That'll never catch on.

No, not as much fun as the old kangaroo
jump.

No. Hello, every Fergal.

No, hello.

Have a Dregal. Oh, Fergal, very Mergal.
Now, have you got Jergal or Wergal? I

believe you've got a little bit of
Brergal. I think I'll have a drop of

Fergal. Yes, certainly.

Hello.

Hello.

Pathetic. It really is pathetic. I mean,
you're like a load of Shergill. Sheep,

sheep, sheep.

Perhaps that's just a little J.

Worthington fits Sour Grapesville.

Is that another trend? Saying J.

Worthington fits everything?

Yes, J. Worthington fits exactly.

Oh, how lucky for J. Worthington.

You see, I can be amusing without using
gimmicks.

When?

in ever since Tuesday. It was all the
rage at Magnus's housewarming party. Oh,

it was all the rage at Magnus's
housewarming party. No, in the Karl Marx

Remember that? Oh,

anybody can do that. I can do that. I
just don't want to do it. That's all

quack.

I say that was awfully good. Do that
again.

Do what again? Quack.

Oh, that's great fun.

Quack.

Bells, there's no need to make fun of my
speech defect.

Quirk!

Oh,

sorry. I didn't realise it was a speech
defect.

Anyway, it might catch on and then
everyone will be doing it and no one

know that you're doing it. Oh, no, no,
I'm

bored. I'm bored with all this. No, I
want something new.

Well, Magnus will be here in a minurgle.
He's sure to have thought of something

nurgle. That's true. Hello!

Lovely party pools.

Oh, but drink the booze. Easy booze.
We've got ginny booze or whiskey booze?

Ginny booze. I like your beardy booze.
Oh, tarzy booze. Yes.

Where's your little beardy booze?

I lost it. No, I didn't. I never had a
beard. Never had one. Didn't want one.

Not interested in fashions or trends.

Can't bear them. Well, I think it's
lovely.

I can't wait for Magnus to see Virgo.

Magnus, schmagnus, I'm going Fitzbloody
homey booze and I'm Nurgle coming Virgo.

No, you don't like gimmicks if we're not
taking you out in Agnes. Come on.

Thank you, folks. Thank you for a lovely
party.

If there's one more song I'll be
singing.

I'm always going, but I don't know
where.

Keep on moving, moving on. I've been 17
years in South Australia.

Eight more years just running free.

With the girls back home in their short
blue dresses. Only hear one thing from

me.

If there's one more time.

I might be the winning, I'll be there.

If there's one more song, I'll be
singing.

I'm always going, but I don't know
where. Keep a moving, a moving on.

Went round to Sydney last summer on a
tanker working my way.

There were well -mannered ladies,
streets that were shady.

But for me, I never could stay.

If there's one more town, I'll be going.

I'll fight for the winning, I'll be
there.

If there's one more song, I'll be
singing.

I'm always going, but I don't.

Sailed up north on a schooner, but I
wouldn't be staying there long.

There were bright city lights and girls
in pink tights, but their faces were all

painted on.

If there's one more town, I'll be going.

I'll find me the winning, I'll be there.

If there's one more song, I'll be
singing.

I'm always going, but I don't know
where.

I don't know where.

I don't know where.

I don't know where.

I'm appealing to you tonight on behalf
of the society for the very clumsy.

You know, it can be very unpleasant to
be clumsy.

Last week, one of our members broke 44
bones, nine of them his own.

Even I myself do tend to knock over the
occasional table.

In fact, last month, I knocked over five
occasional tables.

Now, our society was founded in the 16th
century, thank you, by...

Our society, as I was saying, was
founded in the 16th century by the

who beheaded Sir Thomas More, although
he was actually aiming at Anne Boleyn.

Today, we have 26 ,000 members, and
you'll be pleased to hear that only 87

these are in hospital, and only 53 of
them are surgeons.

Two years ago, we decided to set up a
clumsy centre.

Our president, Sir Henry Splint, himself
laid our foundation stone with the

immortal words, Whoops, sorry your
ladyship, that was the trowel.

To help members lead a normal life, as I
only recently started

to do.

It is very difficult.

It is very difficult for our members to
find work.

Mostly, the only jobs that are available
are things like demolition work, post

office management and captaining oil
tankers.

Above all, we need money to train our
members not to be clumsy.

Here is an example of what can be done a
given sufficient time and training.

It was made by our oldest member
entirely out of matchsticks and chewing

Unfortunately, he is no longer with us,
and as soon as he had finished this

model, he stepped back to admire his
work.

tripped over his landlady and fell out
of an open window.

But at least he has left something to
posterity, so your money will not be

wasted.

Well...

Well,

that's that.

Give generously.

We want to set up clumsy centres all
over Britain where clumsy people can

in without hurting themselves.

We also want to build a school for
children of clumsy members.

So far, none of them have managed to
have any children, but I know... I

know they're all trying desperately hard
at this very moment.

Thank you. Thank you for listening.
Don't be afraid to write to me, or if we

should bump into each other in the
street, then it's bound to be my fault.

Thank you once again, and good night.

You will doubtless remember, dear
overindulgent reader, how I had lately

returned from Paris, and of the duel
which precipitated my sudden departure

that city of a thousand romances.

But now, as I approached the sinister
residence in which I was to fulfill the

post of housekeeper, a nameless fear
gripped me.

My heart began to thump so loudly within
my bosom that I was sure someone must

hear it.

My fears were confirmed.

Welcome to Doomsday Hall, my dear.

You are to do calculus from now on, eh?
What a strange chick of a girl you are.

Come closer, come closer. I won't eat
you.

I'm a vegetarian.

He'll eat you.

He's not particular what he eats. Are
you, Kehoe?

No, sir.

Keel is his real name. He's of German
extraction.

But I think Keyhole's a rather good name
for a butler, don't you?

Ha, ha, ha!

Laugh, Keyhole!

Ha, ha, ha!

And we shall see you in the morning
then, my dear, provided you are spared.

I trust you have a peaceful and
uneventful night.

Keyhole, you know where Miss Beckett's
quarters are.

Ha, ha, ha! Don't laugh till you're
told. That wasn't a joke. Now show Miss

Beckett your home.

This way, madam.

What a dark, gloomy room it was.

I think I would have fled there and
then, had it not been for the presence

the frightening keyhole.

Will that be all, madam?

Yes, thank you, keyhole. If you want
anything in the night, just cry out.

My room is only next door.

Oh, no. I wouldn't want to disturb your
sleep.

Oh, I don't sleep.

I lie awake all night, scheming.

Pleasant dreams, madam.

Your midnight cocoa, madam.

If I were you, I'd approach it with a
certain amount of caution.

Why? What's the matter? with it?

It's bloody hot.

I knew then that this was no ordinary
house.

There was some dark secret here that
they did not wish me to discover.

Why else would they want to watch me
undressing for bed?

It could only be to keep an eye on my
movements.

So it was Keyhole who'd been watching
me.

He then obviously was up to no good.

Perhaps after all, I had misjudged his
master, Lord Doomsday.

Although eccentric, he was in all
probability an innocent party in the

Forgive me, my dear, I breakfasted
earlier.

I come to tell you that Kehoe and I are
going to the village on business.

I'd be very much obliged if you would
stay in your room.

Bring your coffee there, dear.

They were obviously lying.

And why did they wish me to remain in my
room?

What did they wish to conceal from me?

This was more than I could bear.

As soon as they'd gone, I resolved to
explore this evil house.

I failed to bring the key, sir.

You failed to bring the key.

I failed to bring the key.

This was their guilty secret.

An illicit whiskey skill.

If this were discovered by the police,
Lord Doomsday would face many years in

jail. I resolved to leave at once.

By the time they returned, I would be
out of reach of their evil clutches.

Not so fast, my inquisitive beauty.

Too late.

I'd been caught red -handed by the...

Need I describe to you, Ancestrina, my
feelings of terror as they laid me in

coffin and nailed down the lid?

Fetch the handguard. Yes, ma 'am.

We're taking you to the river, Miss
Beckett. Now, I don't know if this

airtight or not.

If it is, you'll propagate.

If it's not, you'll drown.

It was then that I did the only thing
that an English girl can do when she

herself at the mercy of evil doers.

Pray and kick hard.

And very soon, my prayers were answered.

The poor, astonished clergyman soon
overcame his fear and released me from

imprisonment, much to my relief.

And within the hour, I was sitting with
him in his vicarage, taking tea and

munching bread and honey.

He had already introduced me to his
cousin, a Mr Samuel D. Goldberg, a

to these shores from America, and his
friend and companion, Donald Fairchild,

Jr.

Mr Goldberg was engaged in making what
he called motion pictures.

I did not know it at the time.

But I was about to embark upon perhaps
the most exciting episode in my long

of adventures.

Resume the searching once again into the
upper, middle and lower classes with

regards to various aspects of modern
living in Britain.

Tonight we have representatives of the
three classes in the studio to report on

family life.

I have three children, Jeremy, Alison
and Jay.

My wife and I have been married for
eight years.

I have two children, Derek and Doreen.

My wife and I have been married for six
years.

I have eight children.

Peter, Rita, Anita, Sandra, Dawn, Clint,
Rock and Elvis.

My wife and I are not married.

My wife is on several committees, runs
the local opera group and is secretary

the Bridge Club.

My wife is a member of the Mother's
Union, enjoys organising coffee mornings

is a driver for Meals on Wheels.

My wife is pregnant again.

We give dinner parties two or three
times a week. This enables us to keep in

touch with our wide circle of friends.

We give a wine and cheese do once a
month. This enables us to do it on the

cheap. Her mother comes round Saturday
nights and drinks my Guinness.

This enables her to get drunk for
nothing.

We stopped having children when we
decided that we had the ideal -sized

unit. We stopped having children when
the school meals went up.

We stopped having children when we found
out what was causing it.

We employ... A housekeeper, a chauffeur,
a gardener and a cleaning woman. My

wife has a woman who comes in three
times a week and a babysitter in the

evenings. My wife has a babysitter, a
cook, someone to clean the house at the

weekends and a washer up. And I'm
bleeding exhausted.

Three family units, each of a different
class.

But are our opinions of marriage really
so different?

I get the feeling that marriage only
works provided it strengthens the

of the individual.

My trouble is I get the feeling that
marriage tends to tie me down.

My trouble is I get the feeling too
often.

I was alone. I took a ride. I didn't
know what I would find.

Another road where maybe I could see
another kind of mind.

Didn't run, didn't lie, you knew I
wanted just a hold

If I'm true, I'll never leave, and if I
do, I'll...

to my wife this morning.

I was, honestly.

No, fame hasn't changed me a bit, you
know.

Still unspoiled, modest, generous to a
fault.

God, the autographs I've given that
woman.

Anyway.

I like, you know, I like you to believe
that, you know, because it makes things

so much easier later on. Anyway, a young
lady is walking along, walking along.

I'm laughing, won't you join me? A young
lady is walking along a country lane

and she's held up by a bandit.

And she says, I haven't got any money on
me. And the bandit says, keep still,

I'm going to search you.

After a couple of minutes, she says,
don't stop now, I'll write you a cheque.

Actually, I started in this business,
you know, telling jokes in a nightclub.

Quite a nice sort of place.

It wasn't the talk of the town.

As a matter of fact, it was hardly
mentioned in the country.

It was a sort of cheaper version of the
silver dollar, called the wooden

halfpenny.

And I used to be the top of the bill,
you know, the last on.

were so bad that during my act the crowd
would still be booing them.

Now this club this club was situated
right opposite the cemetery and we used

rely rather a lot on the late night
funeral trade.

Although you see it hadn't always been a
nightclub I mean it used to be a public

convenience and a lot of people came
down there because they didn't know it

changed hands.

Anyway the manager's wife The manager's
wife, she used to sing in the cabaret.

Not a pretty sight.

For an encore, she used to strip right
down to her hearing aid.

Anyway, she was so ugly, she was so
ugly. I mean, he told me, quite frankly

confidentially one night, he told me
that, you know, he once had taken her to

Madame Tussauds and while they were in
the Chamber of Horrors, an attendant had

crept up to her and whispered in his ear
and said, would you mind keeping your

wife moving because we're stock -taking.

I recall that one of the low spots of
the evening was the resident

ventriloquist. Now, he never quite made
it, partly because he couldn't afford a

dummy.

Eventually, he had a great idea.

He gave up show business and became a
phony medium, you see. Now, his clients

weren't really talking to the departed,
you know. I mean, the voices they heard

were him doing his sort of ventriloquial
bit, you see, throwing his voice. And

the story goes...

I wish it would. The story goes that one
day, a

lady came to him.

I thought his luck had changed. A lady
came to him, and she wanted to talk to

her dear departed husband. He said,
certainly, he said. So he let her talk

her dear departed husband, and he
charged her five guineas. She said to

now, money is no object to me, she said.
And she sort of did that with her head

and her hands.

She had that curious way.

Money is no object.

She said, money is no object.

She said, for a little bit more, for a
little bit more, he wondered what she

going to say. He said, for a little bit
more, could you make my husband

materialize? Oh, he said, no, I can't do
that. He said, no, he said, I can't do

that. Couldn't possibly do that. He
said, but I tell you what, for another

bob, he could talk to you while I'm
drinking a glass of water.

Thank you.

Oh, my dad.

I'll pull it down.

What?

I think I... Hello.

No!

No!

No!

But the essential flavor has been
retained by using only traditional

airs. Here, then, is a preview of the
BBC's latest venture, entitled

Aha.

My Lord Chancellor, where is the keeper
of the Privy Chamber?

I'm here, Your Majesty.

Oh, get the lock fixed, would you, dear?

I just met three old... ladies coming
out said they've been in there since

Saturday. However, are we all here?

We are, Your Majesty. Good. Then we can
start.

In good King Charles's golden days when
morals were appalling, His Majesty was

always in when Nelwyn came a -calling.

She plied him with her oranges, was
known throughout the land, boys.

So full was he of vitamin C that he
could hardly stand boys.

But now those bad old days are gone and
I am on the throne, sirs. A virgin queen

I shall remain.

I mean to hold my own, sirs. I have a
big poor post -star bed no man has dared

to leave in. And won't be a tithe a twit
who tries to creep in while I'm

sleeping.

be a chance, this chap, the Elizabeth
the First, I am.

Well, gentlemen, what did you think of
that?

Is

someone

trying to tell me something?

Sir Francis Drake wishes to see Your
Majesty.

Oh, of course. I thought I recognized
him. He is without.

I beg your pardon? He is without.

Yes, he would be, yeah.

Have him within at once.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening, all.

Good evening.

Thank you very much, thank you. Thank
you, thank you, thank you. That's

good evening, all.

Frivolous branches at your service.

Frivolous, frivolous branches, Drake, in
the flesh, not a hand puppet.

Well, what a joke, what a, what a... I
know, you've got to laugh at the right

time, I know, it's all pleased. Now,
there we are. Oh, what a journey I've

Traffic round the Isle of Wight,
something terrible, honestly. Boatsprit

brosprit. Then finally some silly seaman
backs into me and knocks me figurehead

right off.

Honestly, it'd be easy to come by boat,
really.

Your Majesty, Sir Francis Drake. Oh, the
nights are getting shorter.

I was just explaining to the good people
why I'm late. Yes, I heard.

Couldn't you persuade your sailors to go
the other way?

They don't need much persuading, my
dear.

Now, as a matter of fact, it's a treat
to come back to normality. Yes, in a

manner of speaking.

Yes, and what are your sailors doing
now?

They're camping on Plymouth Hill.

Hill? What hill? Oh, plenty of that as
well, yes.

But there's no good enough standing here
discussing the crew, my dear. I've come

to woo. Come to woo?

To woo who?

To woo you.

Oh, you do?

You do.

So why don't we stop playing trains and
tell the good people all about you? Oh,

there my blood is due.

I can't believe my luck.

On you I'm really stuck.

If you will take me as your drink, I'll
make you Mrs.

Duck.

Thank you very much. Yes, all very well,
Sir Francis. But while you've been

away, the Earl of Essex has been seeing
a great deal of me. That wouldn't be

difficult.

The Earl of Essex? You don't mean you
let him... Oh, certainly not. You know

very well I don't believe in Essex
before marriage.

When I saw him talking to you earlier, I
didn't like the way he made certain

remarks touching your chastity.

Did he?

I never noticed. You can't tell in these
farthingales, you know. Oh, Majesty.

Not that little man with the bicycle
again, is it? Oh, dear. He's so

you know. The bedroom's full of onions.

No, it is the Armada. The Spanish ships
are approaching England.

Oh. Then I must depart.

Yes. I shall set sail for Plymouth. But
never fear. When England once more is

safe, when the grim shadow of war has
departed, I shall return.

Good. I'll leave your supper in the
oven.

Goodbye, Lizby.

Until then.

So...

to fight the foe, the beat that you
assign me. And I'll stay at home and sit

upon the throne so you'll always know
where to find me. The more life they

they cannot break the chains of love
that bind me. As I sink in the drink, I

shall always think of that hefty girl
behind me.

Rule Britannia! It's time for our
goodbyes.

Next week, Henry IV, part one, on ice.

Rule Britannia! It's time to say
chapter...

That's all for tonight.

Next week we shall be discussing the
Middle East crisis and revealing the

recently announced term for taking in
the Israeli borders.

37 and 6 a night, bed, bagels and an
evening meal.

In our theory of science today, I shall
be looking at Archimedes' principle and

he'll be looking at mine.

We shall be talking to Mr Anthony
Wedgwood -Benn about his proposal to

trade union special programmes on TV,
and we shall be showing excerpts,

including old Time and a Half musical.

Oh, brothers, it's a lockout, and I'm
all right Jackanory.

And we end with a warning. Reports are
just coming in of an elephant that has

done a tonne on the M1.

Drive carefully and treat it as a
roundabout.

Now it's goodnight from me.

And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

Goodnight.