All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s01e03

Good evening. Good evening. It's nice to
be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie?

Lovely, lovely, yes. And first, the
thing that's on everybody's mind this

Saturday night.

No, no, not that.

The census.

The first results of this fully
confidential inquiry are beginning to

through.

34 % have parents born in Chantelieu.

17 % asked what they did on cold winter
evenings, wrote, wrap up.

And 28 % live in houses called Get
Knotted.

At tonight's banquet for midgets,

a rousing reception was given when a
trolley was

wheeled in and the president's wife
birthed out of an iced doughnut.

And now, here is tonight's football.

And now the medical news.

A man was taken to a nursing home today
after being found wandering in the

street dressed only in a codpiece.

He said, I find a bit of haddock more
fashionable, but the fishmonger had run

out.

Earlier this morning, a man was beaten
up outside a Harley Street

consulting rooms.

Police wish to interview four men or two
schizophrenics.

A painter and decorator was taken to
Wandsworth Police Station today.

Later, a man was said to be helping the
police with their wallpapering.

Here is the result of the by -election
in Matagoolieland.

Mr. Odingo -Obingo, conservative, three
nuns.

Mrs. Odingo -Obingo, Women's Liberation
Front, no nun.

Chief. Sorry. No, I think you were right
second time.

Chief?

Burst out of a nice doughnut.

Chief Bongo O'Dongo, Welsh nationalist,
4 ,000 nuts, three strings of beads, two

shrunken heads and a partridge in a pear
tree.

The Reverend Simon Thisby, Christian
conversions of cannibals party, two

of grace, one pound of carrots and a
pinch of salt.

Chief Yum -Yum, cannibal party. 3 ,000
nuts, two pygmies, and the Reverend

Thisby.

Spoiled nuts, one.

Spoiled candidates, four.

And a bull elephant lost his deposit.

Now it's time, once again, to consider
the state of the party.

What did you say?

I just said hello.

And what else did you say besides hello?

No, I didn't say anything else. I just
said hello.

I see. Not hello, you boring old git.
Who the hell invited you?

I didn't say that.

I see.

Perhaps it was more in the lines of
hello, you great, ugly, fat, mealy

sadist. I wish you were dead.

No, I just said hello. I was standing
over there, as a matter of fact. I saw

that nobody was talking to you over
here, so I popped over, you know, just

say hello.

I never did.

What? Well, you implied that Dorothy and
I were having a relationship.

What? Just now, all that stuff about the
car not being in the garage. I never

said anything about the car.

No, but you implied it, didn't you?

All right, then. Hello.

Yes, but look at the way you said it.

What? Well, like the car wasn't in the
garage and he left the light on in the

study to make his wife think he was
working late. Don't wait.

No, it's not even founded like that. It
wasn't meant to. It was just meant to

sound like, you know, hello, how are
you? Oh, I see.

Hello, how are you going to explain the
hot pants in the glove compartment?

Why did you give the vicar a drive on
Sunday?

No, no, it was just a friendly hello,
honestly.

Listen, Sonny.

If you go around talking to people just
the way you've talked to me, I'm not

surprised you haven't got any friends.

I've got lots of friends. Oh, yes, but
they've all walked out on you, haven't

they? Left you to come over and heap
abuse on me.

No, no, honestly, it was just a friendly
hello.

Anyway, how was I to know the gun was
loaded?

What? The gun we were just talking
about.

Which gun? I mean, I didn't want to use
it.

I didn't want it at all. It was Dorothy.
It was Dorothy. I wanted to throw it

away. It was Dorothy who wanted to look
down the barrel to see how fast the

bullets came out.

I just said hello, honestly. I tried to
stop her. I tried to stop her, but I

couldn't. Before I could, she grabbed
the gun, shot herself, leapt out of the

car and buried herself under the
floorboards in my flat in Kensington.

I only came over here to start a little
conversation. Anyway, I was miles away.

I was in Frankfurt.

No, I was in Istanbul.

I was in Istanbul, in a cellar, chained
up, all by myself.

Apart from witnesses, of course. Oh, I
had loads of witnesses.

They were all Turks. They can't speak a
word of English. Oh, but they can write

English. So if you wrote to them, they
would testify.

Unless they're all dead, of course. Yes,
I think probably they're all dead by

now, yes.

I seem to remember reading in tomorrow's
paper that they are all dead.

Great pity.

You've got to believe me. You've got to
believe me.

I only came over here just to say a
personal hello.

I didn't want to do it, but it was
Dorothy.

She went on about the divorce and the
gambling and the money and the rug

Oh, God.

Bloody fool, I admit it, I admit it.

I only wanted to say a perfectly normal
hello.

You'll never take me alive.

No, you can't have a decent conversation
with anyone nowadays, can you?

Hello?

Let my love for you grow strong as long
as we're together.

Who cares about the weather? Listen to
the falling rain, listen to it fall.

And with every drop of rain, I can hear
you call.

Call my name right out loud.

I can hear above the clouds.

And to hear among the puddles, you and I
together.

Listen to the rain

Listen to the falling rain, listen to it
fall.

And with every drop of rain I can hear
you call.

Listen to the rain Listen to the pouring
rain Listen to the rain

Listen to the

Good evening to you.

Well, it was a pretty rough night, as
you know.

Most areas suffer from a heavy belt of
rain across the country, or in my case,

heavy belt across the eye.

This came from the southwest and brought
with it strong winds.

Mine came from the wife and brought with
it strong language.

and a cup of scalding tea down the shirt
front.

This quickly spread to most areas and
caused a sharp rise in temperature,

especially in the south.

A deep depression settled over 22
Kingsbury Avenue is unlikely to lift

tomorrow morning at the earliest, and
the warm front I was expecting tonight

now too much to hope for.

If we look at the next chart, we can see
the cause of all the trouble.

Now, this, as you can see, came
originally from France and

crossed the Channel a couple of days
ago, arriving at Kingsbury Avenue about

time. It was fairly mild at first and
only really showed itself last night

the wife was at bingo.

It all started from a ridge of high
pressure across here.

centred round two points here and here.

They were undoubtedly the cause of a
sharp rise in temperature, as you may

guess, eventually resulting in thunder
and lightning, the like of which I

personally haven't experienced in a long
time.

It was fairly short -lived, however, as
bingo finished early, bringing with it a

small tornado with a rolling pin.

South cones were quickly hoisted.

Not quite quickly enough, unfortunately,
and the ridge of high pressure

disappeared rapidly down Kingsbury
Avenue in the direction of London

Well, there it is, then. The outlook for
tomorrow, dull, lifeless, very little

sunshine, and certainly the unlikelihood
of a decent cup of tea.

Good night.

You may remember, dear reader, that I
was about to make my debut on the London

stage in the title role of William
McMaster's latest production.

You can imagine how nervous and excited
I was as the curtain rose.

You are determined to go through with
this, are you, your ladyship?

Yes, Lord Godiva, I am.

I shall be there for all the world to
see.

And that shines a good bead in a naughty
world.

And if you wish things to shine even
better, use monkey brand household soap.

We'll be available at the stage door
after the performance. I see.

Very well, then. So be it.

And now, to meet me lover in secret.

What's up, Margaret?

Oh!

How I'd long to look into your eyes
again.

Yes, I also, my dear. But what have you
there?

It's my banjo. I always carry it with me
wherever permitting, you know.

Perhaps you would like me to play you
something?

Indeed, it would be a great privilege
and honor to hear that little ballad

entitled, Which Way Up Is a Billion
Ball?

Fortunately, I am familiar with it.

So too is the orchestra.

I have a most inquiring mind inside my
beauty head.

I've read encyclopedias from A right
through to Z, but there are still some

questions which always fuzzle me.

So let me put them to you and see if you
agree.

Which way up is a billiard ball? How
many sides the jug?

How high is the chair my Wendy's
standing on the rug?

How do you wear the corkscrew? How long
is four foot wide?

Which way up is a billiard ball when
it's lying on its side?

And the audience seemed to appreciate
it, judging from the many presents

of fruit and money showered upon us
during the performance.

At last it was time to take our final
bow.

And I must confess I did not expect to
receive such an ovation.

Who is it?

It's I, my dear. May I be afforded it,
please? Oh, come in, McMaster.

What a reception.

What a performance, Mrs.

McMaster.

You were superb.

The audience laid its heart at your
feet.

Not to mention the turn and fix I picked
up off the stage after Kirkland fell.

Oops.

I just think that if you hate me so, it
only caused me actual injury.

Oh? Yes, indeed.

On with the ring.

You are a caution, really. I'm just
saying, why don't we all get an attack,

down to Leicester Square and have some
supper? An excellent notion, my dear.

As for you, my dear little Henrietta,
you are exquisite.

The stage door is crammed with admirers.
You'll be the toast of London, me

little Godiva.

Was she not exquisite, madam?

Oh, she certainly showed some form.

Quite, quite, quite.

Don't change a thing, my dear. If you
perform tomorrow as you perform tonight,

our fortune's made.

Oh, it's so kind of you to say so, Mr
McMaster. But just one occurrence did

spoil what was, in all other respects,
the truly perfect evening. Oh?

Yes, my wig.

We must... Make sure it never comes off
again, whatever happens. Oh, of course.

Quite, quite, quite, my little dear. Of
course. Eh, Mrs. McMaster?

Indeed. Oh, indeed. Just you leave it to
us, dear. Yes.

But sad to say, dear Eda, however much
care I took, night after night, some

accident or other occurred, which
resulted in me losing my wretched will.

And there was money in my purse.

And yet somehow, something was missing.

And one evening, after the performance,
I was to find out what it was.

Letter for you, my dear, came by hand.

Delivered by a tall lady with a very
large carriage and pair.

Thank you.

It was an anonymous letter. And what is
more, it was from someone I didn't even

know. But as I read it, I realised...
Here was the answer to the emptiness

inside me.

Now at last I could be of some good to
my fellow man.

The letter pointed out how uselessly I
had hitherto employed my time and how

much more rewarding work was waiting to
be done on those far -off shores.

My mind was made up.

I would travel to Dover tonight and be
ready to leave first thing in the

morning.

I scribbled a note to my fellow
thespians and left quietly without

goodbye.

Gone to the Crimea to be a nurse?

Good luck with the rest of the run.

Yours, Henrietta.

I only hope that they forgave me, and
that they found someone else to play

Godiva.

I set sail for the Crimea, and in three
short weeks, I found myself in a base

hospital only a few miles behind the
lines.

I must say that the conditions were
truly appalling.

Not enough light, not enough air, and
not enough beds.

Does it hurt?

No. Not even a little bit?

No, not even a little bit.

Belongs to him down there. Did it,
Charlie?

Here, ma 'am.

Corporal Clark. What's this all, ma 'am?

How do you do, Corporal? I've come to
help relieve these poor creatures of

suffering. Oh.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, yes.

There's a screen over there, ma 'am. You
can get your clothes off and start

straight away.

Good. I gather you have a uniform for
me, then.

Ah. Uniform.

Ah. Oh, I see.

You've come as a nurse, have you? Yes.

Oh, well, my mistake, ma 'am, yes.

Disregard my remarks regarding the
screen.

As you will, ma 'am. Yeah.

Pity. I beg your pardon? It's a pity
that Captain Featherstone ain't here,

see. I am, I am here, Clark.

Oh. You can go now.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, can't you be left noisy, man, those
damn boots?

What happened to those rubber soles we
ordered from the stores?

Uh, you ate them last week, sir. Oh, so
I did. Rather delicious, they were, too.

The unsight better than that roast
crutch we had last Sunday.

Thank you very much. How do you do, Dr.
Pettit?

I'm Henrietta Beckett. Yes, I know.
Thank God you arrived, Miss Beckett.

Because the men, the men are in a pretty
sorry state.

Yes, I can see that only too well.

Is it malaria?

No, indigestion.

Oh, God, it's a pretty atrocious cook.
That's why I'm glad you're here. It's

about time the men had something, you
know, decent to eat.

I take it. I take it you can cook.

Well, I'll do my best.

Depends what supplies are available.

Practically none.

All the men have had for the last few
days is a handful of rice.

Great heaven!

But why?

We ran out of plates.

birds suddenly appear every time

you are near and just like

me they long to be close to you

why do stars fall down

...to you.

On the day that you were born, the
angels got together and decided...

Belong to me, close to you.

On the day that you will follow me,
angels got together and decided...

Gina Charles, lovely.

How are you all tonight? All right?

Are you?

Yes? Are you all right?

Oh, lovely, yes. I'm feeling very good
tonight, actually. I thought you'd like

that. I'm feeling, you know, sort of on
top of my phone tonight. I don't know

why. It's just one of these times, you
know, when I feel I could, you know,

an audience laugh or cry or have an
early night.

So I could, you know, honestly, I could
sit here.

Well, I could sit over there, actually.

But I rather prefer sitting here,
because when I'm sitting here, I'm

the audience and that camera, you see?
If I was sitting over there, I'd be

talking to two stagehands and a
firebucket.

I could sit here. I was just stretching
my legs there.

Did you see that?

Stretching my legs.

Left it a bit late in life, haven't I,
really?

I could sit here. I could sit here if
you want, pathos.

And I could tell you all about my
childhood, how I was found on a

Well, not really on the doorstep,
because the door opened outwards. I was

halfway across the road.

Pinned to my little coat was a note
which said, Keep your head down, the

opens outwards. Signed, Mummy.

Or I could tell you about how up to the
age of four, my only playthings were a

corned beef sandwich and a picture of
Nellie Wallace.

You're going there, didn't I?

Don't hold back the tears. You could get
a hernia.

A corned beef sandwich, corned beef
sandwich and a photo of Nellie Wallace.

Oh, I love that. You know, to this day,
every time I go on the stage, I take it

out and have a quick look at it to
remind me of what the business is all

I don't know what happened to the
picture of Nellie Wallace.

I could have prevailed upon.

I could have... prevailed upon,
preferably.

If you'd like me to be prevailed, I'll
try that, but I prefer to be prevailed.

could be prevailed upon to recount a
rather amusing anecdote that occurred to

after a party at my agent's last week.

He has this little do once a year to
celebrate the invention of money.

Actually, it's more like one of the
family. Well, I'll let you know that on

wife's birthday last week, he sold her a
lovely card.

His parties. His parties are always a
little bit of a disaster. He said, do it

yourself, Majesty.

And we got there at nine o 'clock in the
evening and he was still in the bath,

treading his grapes.

Not a pretty sight.

Then he lost the key of the sardines.

Lost the key of the sardines and we had
to put the tin in the road and let

somebody back over it.

Again, not a pretty sight.

But it was a very, very quiet evening.
In fact, it got so quiet that the phone

rang and a chap with a weak heart had to
be taken home.

I don't really think he had a weak
heart, you know, but he had been there

seven o 'clock and he'd lost the will to
live.

Thank you very much. I needed that.
Anyway, on our way home, and this is the

really exciting bit, we were waiting at
Paddington Station for a train, not

unnaturally, and this train pulled in,
and a chap jumped out of the train nude,

absolutely no clothes on, barefoot to
the chin.

And I thought at first he was wearing a
blue body stocking, because it was

rather a cold night.

Station staff... as you can imagine,
were all taken rather aback. Goodness

gracious, they cried, bless my soul, and
will you marry me?

Other well -known British railway
expressions.

Then the stationmaster came up and said,
you can't walk about the station with

no clothes on. Would you like to borrow
my top hat?

He said, how does it come that you got
off this train with no clothes on? He

said, I can't, you know, let this...
Carry on, I have to do something about

How come you got off the train?

He said, well, as a matter of fact, he
said, he said, I was at a party in the

country and the hostess asked us all to
take our clothes off. And after we'd

taken our clothes off, she said, let's
all go to town.

And I seem to be the first to have
arrived.

Yes, certainly.

Thank you very much.

Next, please.

Ah, good morning, Mr... Partridge.
Partridge, yes. Would you come and sit

Thank you.

What seems to be the trouble, Mr.
Partridge? Well, Doctor...

I keep getting noises in my stomach.

Noises? Yeah.

Oh, yes, there I see you are. Yes. Yes,
good of me. It can be very embarrassing,

you know.

Well, Mr Partridge, I think you're
suffering from sound effects.

Oh? Yes.

That was the end of the shipping
forecast.

Now it's quarter to seven.

Yes, Mr Partridge?

I'm afraid you've caught Radio 4.

Oh.

Is that bad?

Bad? Have you heard it? It's terrible.

We've heard about the games from our
reporter, Tiddlypop.

You've had it some time, then?

Have you got a transmitting licence for
that, Simon? No.

I should get one pretty quickly,
otherwise it'll be declared illegal.

Now, look, I would like you... Wait a
minute. I'd like you to take that, if

would, weekly. What are you giving me?
The Radio Times.

Will that cure it? No, but it'll help
you to know what's on.

Well, I'd better be off, then. Thank you
very much, Mr Bartridge.

Mr Bartridge!

Could you come back and see me next
Thursday afternoon about three o 'clock?

Why? There's rather a good play on. I
wouldn't mind hearing.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, the sketch is over. No,
no, this is an emergency, Doctor. I'm

suffering from television.

Goodness me. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
George

Schleck.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'd
like to show you how can I make a

personality with a handkerchief.

This is very easy. If you watch it very
carefully, you can do it yourself at

home. I take one corner from the left to
the right, and one from the right to

the left.

Like this.

This corner I take over here, and I
think it's ready.

Oh, no.

For the ears, I take a little elastic,
caoutchouc.

The mouth, I take a page of my rose.

Again.

And now he can talk.

Are you happy?

What? What's the matter?

I can't see.

Oh, you can't see?

Yes. The eyes?

Yes. Oh, I forgot it. I'm sorry. I take
a button off my wrist.

I'm gone.

What? Again. Again. Oh, good.

All right?

No.

What's the matter?

I have crossed eyes.

Oh, sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Are you all right? Yes.

What's your name?

Thank you.

Very nice.

You like it? Yes.

It's very nice.

Thank you. You speak English?

Yes. You do? Yes. How much?

I don't know.

Very nice.

No. I think you are a girl.

No. A boy. No. You are something.

Yes. What?

Nothing. No.

You are a rabbit.

A rabbit? Yes.

Thank you.

Ah. Now what do you want?

Carrot. What do you want?

Carrot. I don't have any carrot.

Lady. Huh?

You speak Italian?

Say something in Italian.

No.

I don't have any carrots.

What?

Thank you very much.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to
show you the singing frog, Johnny

Quakello. No!

What did you say? I said no.

Why? Strike.

Strike? Now you have to come out. I said
no.

Now what should I do? Go home.

No!

No, no, strike, strike, strike.

Strike, strike, strike.

You speak English.

Do you speak English?

Do you speak English?

Jawohl.

He's a kraut.

Now, what did you say?

He's a kraut.

What's the matter? Mosquito.

What? Mosquito.

Not any flies.

Mosquito. I don't like to hear anymore
this, what, mosquito.

What?

You speak Spanish? Say something in
Spanish.

Do you speak Spanish? It means, do you
speak Spanish?

Please.

Close the door. All right.

You go in the case, and I take the
guitar, and then we sing. Yes. You

understand? Okay.

Just wait a minute. It's very difficult.

Are you ready?

Yes. Good.

Okay. You are ready?

Yes. You are ready? Oh, yes. Okay. What
do we sing? Alouette.

Alouette.

Okay.

Alouette, je te plumerai.

C 'est toi?

Allo?

Alouette, je te plumerai.

Je te plumerai la tête. Je te plumerai
la tête.

Ah, again?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time
to go roaming in the gloaming on the

bonny banks of Clyde with those two
irrepressible Scottish songbirds, Moira

McKellar and Kenneth Anderson.

Good evening, and hello, everyone.

Well, once again, Moira and I are back
together with you all, by your own five

sides there.

After our last appearance together,
Moira and I had thousands of letters

Scottish folk all over the world, and
three of them actually had stamps on

In response to these wonderful letters,
Moira and I are now making our final

appearance together, so let me introduce
her now, if I might.

That... Beautiful lump of Dundee cake.

Moira.

Good evening, everyone, and hello, Cam.

Oh, Moira, I must say, you're looking...

Awfully bonny tonight.

You look smart in your wee kilt
yourself.

Well, as a matter of fact, I've got a
wee song about that later on.

But why don't we now, Moira, just simply
introduce ourselves in song.

We're not healthy and dorid. Or Markham
and Wise.

We're not Jewel and Warris. Or Nina in
disguise.

And we're not John and Yoko.

And we're not Bill and Ben.

And we're not Dave Dozie, Beaky
McIntitch. We're Moira and Ben.

I have never met a buddy coming through
the rye.

I cannot see anybody for it grows too
high.

That's the place to take a laughy.

Where it's warm and dry.

And many a girl's looked up to me whilst
hidden in the rye.

Oh, I went out with a boy one night who
I thought that I could trust.

But as we walked home, he said with a
groan, I must kiss your lips or bust.

And what did you say? And what did you
do to preserve your mainly bows?

I said, we'll make it the lips tonight
because I'm wearing a high neck blouse.

through train to air.

Curse in my pocket and plenty to spare.

Wearing a school cap and traveling half
fair.

I love my height. It suits me.

In spite of those big brawny lads all
around.

The ladies adore me. At least so I've
found.

Cause I've got a sporran that's nearer
the ground.

Oh, I love my height. It suits

to Mari in the pub. Swill the scotch and
eat the grub. She's in the white

heather club.

Time for Mari's wedding.

Now the fitness ready, let us all begin.

Do a step it out and step with it. And
the gardens are coming, so we'll have

budget. And it's here to Jimmy Logan.

I walked in my kilt by the helmet, by
the glide. It tickled me pink, I laughed

till I died. I told you to wear your
sporran outside.

There are no flies on me. I see that.

That's it from Moira and I once again.
It's been a great pleasure for us to

to you at your own firesides, I must
say. And I always do like to get my

into the good old boisterous ones.

And that includes Moira as well.

So, time then, simply for goodnight from
Moira and I. Yes, we'd like to leave

you now with our old favourite, Scotland
the Brave.

Come! Where the tooths are tapping,
come.

Where the hands are clapping, come.

Where the jobs are strapping down in the
bed, come. Come, set aside your

labours, come. Where their old good
neighbours come. Where they've tossed

cabers posting again.

And what a join of groups, that's where
we sow our roots. That is the life that

the Scots all seem to crave.

Land of the clement weather, land of the
prickly heather, so keep your knees

together.

So it's goodnight from me, Moira, and
it's goodnight from me, Ken.

That's all for tonight. Next week we
will consider exit signs. Are they on

way out?

And Britain's most inefficient doctor
will be having a quiet word up your

And now a late newsflash.

Owing to bad traffic conditions, Queen's
Park Rangers have not yet arrived at

the ground for their match against
Bristol City. The score at the moment is

Bristol City 496.

It's goodnight from me, and it's
goodnight from him.

Goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.