All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s01e02

Good evening. It's very nice to see you
all again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, very

nice. We've got a packed show for you
tonight. Yeah, I packed it myself.

The author of the Penguin Cookbook will
be demonstrating a number of ways of

cooking penguins.

We shall consider loneliness with a
special report from the Archbishop of

Golders Green.

And we shall be discussing government
ministries. Are there too many? We'll be

hearing the views of the Minister of
State and Kidney Pudding.

Percy Edwards was to have been on the
program, but he was taken ill this

afternoon while rehearsing a bird
impression.

A worm he was eating apparently
disagreed with him.

And now a choice of viewing. You can
watch with this eye or with this eye.

Now, here is the news.

Milk bottles were thrown at a meeting of
the Milk Marketing Board today. And at

a meeting of the Egg Marketing Board was
also broken up when eggs were thrown.

A mass meeting of the manure marketing
board has been cancelled.

A leading London football team is to
give away plastic models of petrol pump

attendants.

A man who ate scampi contaminated with
mercury is suing the Alpha Bottle Scampi

Company for injuries.

He says that every time the temperature
goes up, his head shoots up and hits the

ceiling.

The man who stole a valuable necklace at
Manhattan Garden today was luckily seen

by four witnesses. They described him as
a man with a snub nose and a pointed

beard, a man with a Roman nose and blue
eyes, a man with a hooked nose, brown

eyes and one very high eyebrow, and a
little old lady with a shopping basket.

Thanks to their description, the police
issued this identikit picture.

A great triumph for English football
tonight. We beat Hungary 2 -1 in the

half. after losing 8 -0 in the first
half.

In the old Calcutta Cup for nude rugby,
Barbarians versus the Luton Girls Choir,

there were three tries in the first
half. Only two of them suggested.

And now we take a look at the state of
the party.

glad you could come. Wonderful.

Oh, let me give you a drink. Oh, thanks
so much. There you are. Ah, cheers.

Now, who do you know?

Oh, come across and meet Mr. Goldie.
You're bound to have lots in common. But

for God's sake, don't mention baldness.

He's very sensitive about it. Why should
I mention baldness? I'd hope I'd be a

bit more tactful than that, Shonda.

I mean, I'm not even remotely interested
in baldness.

Well, just don't talk about it. I won't
talk about it. John, this is Mr.

Goldie. Hello, Baldie. Uh, Goldie.

How do you do?

Yes, how do you do?

Well,

good heavens, you're the spitting image
of our friend of mine. Really? Yes,

Curly Smithers.

Yes, well, I mean, that's a joke, of
course. We call him Curly because he's

got the same brown eyes that

you haven't got either.

My eyes are bright. Yes, yes, exactly.
Well, that's it. You see, you've both

exactly the same long eyelashes.

It's nature's way of compensating, I
suppose.

Compensating? Compensating for what?

For your such a tiny nose.

Yes, yes, I mean, well, nothing wrong in
that, is there? I mean, jolly

convenient. You get more mileage from a
box of tissues for a start.

I've never been aware that my nose was
particularly tiny.

Oh, no, it isn't. Oh, it isn't. No, no,
it's only by comparison.

By comparison with what?

Uh... Well, with comparison, with the
vast expanse of your ears.

But my ears aren't particularly big. No,
no, but they're not hidden in any way,

are they? By your height.

Tell me, have you...

Have you been to any good films
recently?

Oh, no, no, no. I never go to films. No,
no, no. I prefer the cinema.

I prefer... I mean... No, the last film
I saw was The King and I. Yes. You know,

you'll... You'll... You'll... You'll
remember that film.

Arnold Brinner was in it. Arnold
Brinner.

Now, he is a chap that you are like.
Yes, you both definitely got the same

mouth. Yes, you're a dead ringer for
him. Well, not him exactly, but the

chap in the film. Deborah Carr? Yes,

Deborah Carr.

Was that joke off the top of your head?

There was another lovely and wonderful
film with it. Wonderful film all about

Indians on the warpath, you know,
charging around with their tomahawks and

taking...

taking people's knick -knacks and life
-savings and all whizzing back to their

wig, the wig, the wogwams.

Wogwams? Wogwams, yes. You know, the
wogwams, the wog, the wams where the

live. You know, the, what are they
called?

The tents, you know, what are they
called? Toupets.

Toupets.

Toupets. Look, why don't we both stop
beating about the bush and play it out

loud? I'm bald.

Oh, dear. Am I boring you? Oh, I'm
sorry. I do bore people. Yes, I talk too

much, I'm afraid. Not bored, bald.

Yes, my language gets very bald, and to
the point, yes, it does. Not your bloody

language, my bloody head.

I keep your hair on.

I'm bald, bald, bald.

You're embarrassing people.

Right, you're not bald.

I am bloody bald. No, you're not. You've
got masses of hair, man. I mean,

veritable tresses of it. Well, it's
coming out of your ears.

Good God, it's coming out of your nose
as well. I mean, where else? What else

you want?

I want you to say it out loud and admit
it. I am bald.

You may be thinning a little on top.

Yes, I mean, you may. I mean, well, we
all are, aren't we? I mean, there's

Nixon.

Sterling Moss, I mean, Anita Harris, I
mean, we're all receding, aren't we? But

grass doesn't grow on a busy street, you
know.

And you know what they say?

Bald head, warm hands.

Bald and short. Good God, I think every
time you come down to breakfast, your

wife hits you over the head with the egg
spoon, doesn't she?

Don't stand around in billiard halls,
will you? You'll get cannoned into the

pocket.

God, what am I saying?

Now, you two are obviously getting along
far too well. Yes. John, meet Mr.

Carter. Oh, my God, you've got a big
one, haven't you?

I didn't mean your nose, I mean... Now,
you, uh...

They

call me good time, Charlie Well,
Charlie's not my name But I'm gonna

have a good time Just the same

And if you think these teardrops are
cause you said goodbye, you're wrong.

I just got summer in my eye.

I'm not crying.

Big boys don't cry.

I just got summer in my eye.

And it hurts a little bit.

I'm not crying.

I'll tell you.

I just got summer in my eyes

Well, babe, they say we live and learn
And I guess that's saying it's true

I know I've learned an awful lot Just by
loving you

And if you think you're leaving It's
clouding up my sky

You're wrong I just got summer in my
eyes

I just got summer in my eyes.

I think I'll read the funny papers and
maybe climb a tree.

A lonesome and his funny friends have
got a hold on me.

And if you see me crying the third week
in July, you'll know

I just got summer.

I just got summer in my, well, I just
got summer in my, I just got

summer.

My brief sojourn at Hampton Wick, the
country house of old Sir Geoffrey

and his son Edward, had been brought to
an abrupt end by the behaviour of the

old man.

And although Edward's love for me had
been very evident, I had been forced to

break it off, which naturally caused him
much pain.

But now I had arrived in the city,
penniless and without lodging.

But as fate would have it, this was soon
remedied.

A chance meeting with two honest
labourers, Jim Soak and Arnold Nadger,

in them offering to share with me their
humble accommodation at hotel, which was

not far distant.

And we had once repaired to the warmth
and comfort of the three crutches in.

What did you say

your moniker was?

Name, darling, name.

Oh, Henrietta Beckett.

I shall call you Nancy.

But why, Mr. Stokes?

He calls everybody Nancy, that's why.

It's an habit with him. He calls me
Nancy sometimes.

What do you say?

Well, I deny it, don't I?

Now, you carry on with your grub there.

Oi, Nancy.

Why don't you shut your head?

Lady's eating, can't she? Oh, my.

Nancy. Why don't you shut your head? Oh,
shut your head.

Oh, take no notice, dear. He's moody.
He's very moody, you know, very moody.

What are you good at, Nancy?

Oh. Oh, that's a nice question to ask a
lady when she's got her mouth full.

My accomplishments are pitifully few,
I'm afraid, but I have a little French.

A little French what?

Oh, God. Pray continue, dear, pray.

Well, I can play the piano 40, sing a
little, and also perform reasonably well

on my bass oboe. Go on.

We'll set her up as a one -man band,
will you?

Not all at once, claw -fed.

Would you say you had a certain softness
of touch, my dear, regarding the Piano

14? Yes.

Many people have agreed that my fingers
have a certain lightness. It's true.

Oh, light fingers, Jim, eh?

I think we could safely say we can find
appropriate employment for the lady,

wouldn't you? Yeah, you mean... Why
don't you shut your head?

And so it was.

Dear reader, that I discovered the true
profession of my two hosts.

They were common thieves and
pickpockets.

They proceeded to train me in their
nefarious arts and informed me that

morning my aptitude would be put to the
test.

It was after midnight when the lesson
finally came to an end and I was allowed

to sink down onto one of the straw beds.

whereupon I fell almost immediately into
a deep sleep.

You wait, Jim. You wait, Jim.

Just about.

How did you sleep?

Cozy, very cozy, me old darling.

What do you mean?

Why don't you shut your head? Come on, I
must wake up. I'll sleep in beauty.

I've got to get down to a graft in this
market square. Come on, dear. Come on,

Henrietta. Wake up, dear. Come on. I've
got to go and earn your breakfast.

I must, I must. Yes, you must. I'm
ready.

I shall accompany you to the square and
retreat to a safe distance so that I can

keep my weather eye in your dainty
little fingers.

Cheerio, then, Jim.

Cheerio. But be back soon.

Cheerio. And keep on working, and don't
stay out till noon. Be back soon. I

know, I know.

And so I began my life of crime.

Nadja took me to a busy part of the city
where the wealthy gentlemen gathered to

pass the time of day or to watch a
street show.

It was clear that I was to make my first
drop, as we called it.

wondering if I had to close it for my
chosen victim.

Would he feel my touch?

Would he catch me in the act?

Same time tomorrow.

She was hopeless, Jim, hopeless.

Are you trying to tell me she shopped
us?

Of course she didn't shop us. No, no,
don't get so truculent. You always get

truculent. No, she'll make us a fortune.

What are you on about?

Well, they just stood there and let her
do it. They loved having their pockets

picked by a pretty girl.

Jim, boy, we struck it real...

From that day on, I never looked back.

And happily, neither did my wisdom.

I became careless, less discerning in my
choice of victims, and it was this that

brought about my downfall.

Hello, hello, hello.

Show up, Will. Do for ya.

Why don't you shut your head?

What? I said, why don't you... I'm
trying to get some sleep, you great big

of lawn.

I was by this time in the very depths of
despair.

I had betrayed my friends and through my
own careless actions was now

incarcerated in a debtor's prison,
unable to pay my fine.

Oh, God, was there no hope at all?

Oi, you, big eye, you can go home.

What? What did you say? You're relieved.

Someone's paid you fine. But who?

This kind gentleman is good lady here.

A thousand salutations, dear lady. Allow
me to present myself, William McMaster,

actor -manager.

Hamlet, Falstaff, Othello, and Charlie's
aunt. The rage of the North.

I'm honoured to know you, sir.

That being so, my dear, you will be
doubly honoured to meet my esteemed

Mrs McMaster.

A pitiful Ophelia, a towering Lady
Macbeth.

and a wonderful Titania to my bottom.

You're a terrible flatterer. I saw you
through the greeting this morning as you

lay on your bunk.

I said to myself, as I watched your
breast heave in sorrow, it's the little

and downs that make life worth living.

I'll secure her release.

She will be a great asset to the show.

The show?

The theatre, my dear young lady. The
theatre.

You are to be my new juvenile leading
lady and banjoist.

That's it in that case, my dear. Now,
come on, McMaster, there's no time to be

lost. We must get her her costumes and
her wigs and her shoes. So that

eventually I may actually appear on
stage.

Eventually, Poppycock.

You're on tonight.

Come. I think you'll be about size 12.

And so, once more, I was plunged into
another adventure.

And that very evening, found myself
playing the title role in McMaster's

production.

Mrs. McMaster had been a great help to
me during that long and exciting day.

But as it turned out, her concern over
what I should wear proved to be

unnecessary.

She would never say where she came from.

Yesterday don't matter, cause it's gone.

Ruby Tuesday, goodbye.

Ruby Tuesday, goodbye.

Ruby Tuesday, goodbye.

Thank you, Tina Charles.

Isn't she terrific?

Super, isn't she? I had rather hoped, I
must be honest, I had rather hoped that

she would sing Annie Laurie because it
would have helped me very neatly into a

joke I was going to tell about a lorry
and its driver.

It does help a joke, you know. It does
help.

Feel free, please, feel free. It does
help a joke. I'm laughing, won't you

me? It does help.

It does help a joke, you know, when it's
contrived into the setting.

And frankly, this one about the lorry
driver needs all the help it can get.

I'll work it in a bit later. By the way,
in case some of you may have been

wondering why I brought this chair out
here with me, I'll tell you.

Company.

That's all.

You may say to yourself, what sort of
company is an ordinary old kitchen

Well, frankly, not much.

But it's better than nothing.

Not much better, but a bit better.

Actually, it was my old grandfather's
chair.

My grandfather, old Gladys Corbett.

He worked for 20 years in a hormone
factory.

And when he died about four years ago,
he left his body to the Borough Council.

I must write to them again. I know
they're busy, but it's ridiculous.

not collected yet.

There is a rumour that when he went, he
left all his money hidden in this chair.

Now, if he did, I haven't seen any signs
of it, but I haven't really looked.

Although it's possible, let's face it,
he was no Irish Paul Getty.

When he was 86, he was 86 when he died,
and right up to the end, He

had all his own tooth.

And an enormous, an enormous shock of
thick, wavy hair.

Magnificent thick, wavy hair. You should
have seen it, honestly. Well, I mean,

I'll let you know, he actually died of
dandruff.

Now, the reason I've told you about the
chair is not merely to waste your time.

You know, I expect you've all got better
things to do and things you'd sooner be

doing. I know I have.

I, um...

I breed racehorses.

Now, I haven't actually bred any yet,
but I've got a damn good idea how it's

done.

That's the thought you like, is it?

The reason I've told you about this
chair is that I don't want people to

that there's any special relationship,
you know, between us. I mean, I do like

the chair.

But I'm not in love with it, you know.

I mean, you can get too attached to
things.

I learned my lesson over the sideboard.

Never again.

One day it was stolen. It was my own
fault. I left it outside a shop in the

pram.

Two minutes later it had gone.

It was a fish shop, actually. The chap
upstairs had asked me to get a cod's

for his cat.

He had some funny idea about doing a
strange transplant.

Anyway... Anyway, that, that chair, was
one of my

grandfather's most treasured
possessions.

That and the joke about the lorry driver
who worked on safari... Who worked on

the safari in Africa. What a sneaky way
of getting into it. Anyway, this lorry

driver, who worked on a safari, rather
than...

a safari driver who worked on a lorry.

Pathetic, isn't it?

He returned, he returned on, you know,
home one summer on leave, and he went to

see his doctor for a check -up.

And he was rather fond of him anyway on
the side, but he wanted to tell him.

They'd been writing rather a lot, but
they hadn't seen each other for a while.

He went to see his doctor for a check
-up, you see. When the examination was

over, he turned to the doctor rather
seriously, I thought.

I don't know why I had the cheek to
think that. I wasn't there. But anyway,

turned to the doctor. He said, Doctor,
has it ever been known... It's rather

well -spoken, Safari.

He said, has it ever been known for a
human being to fall desperately in love

with an elephant and for that elephant
to return that love?

And the doctor said, no, of course not.

He's rather a badly educated doctor. He
said, no, of course it's bleeding, not

possible.

Absolutely, completely out of the
question for an elephant to fall in love

a person or a person to fall in love
with the elephant.

So the lorry driver said, well, in that
case, I don't know if you might know of

anyone who wants to buy an extremely
large engagement ring.

Excuse me, you're standing on my pink.

Me Tarzan.

Oh, how do you do?

Me Arthur Norris.

Me look for lost city.

Oh, that's a coincidence. Me look for
green fly.

This not lost city. No, this well in
garden city.

You're not local then.

Me Tarzan.

Yes, sir, you've already said, yes. Me
look for lost city.

Me look for Jane.

Jane go, no come back.

What Tarzan do?

Well, um, Tarzan could put a card into
Baconist's window.

Me, Arthur Norris, put card in Mr.
Prendergast's window when Tiger

Ah, you see, Tiger, no worry.

Tarzan kill Tiger.

Bear hands underwater.

No, I think you've got it all slightly
wrong, because the tiger is in fact a

cat. Yes.

Oh, well, as you've already said, you
live about these parts, and you're not

living this road precisely.

Where exactly do you live?

Cause I'm living trees.

Oh, really?

Well, I don't wish to study that. I
haven't bumped into you before, really,

the garden. I don't wish to appear
inhospitable, but, I mean, if you were

thinking of settling round about this
area, I'd rather, if you don't mind, you

didn't settle in that tree there. That's
an apple tree. It's a rather nice apple

tree. It's a cox, you see. And although
I say it myself, a nice, a coxed orange

pippin you never detect.

Now, if you were going to settle in this
area, I think you could do worse than

settle in Mr Stroud's pear tree. I
wouldn't eat the fruit because he

No!

Oh, that's a rather nasty touch of
indigestion you've got.

No, Tarzan bloody bored with
conversation.

Oh, that's nice, after my kindness to
you. Well, don't you come crawling to me

when you want to borrow my lawn edger.

Arthur! Oh, that'll be the wife just
back from the shop. I'm in the garden,

dear. Have the need to cover yourself up
a little bit, please, in front of the

lady. Arthur, I've just been talking...
Tarzan!

Jane!

How do you know her name?

You Jane, me Tarzan.

Come. I'm sorry, Arthur. He was bound to
find me sometime.

Well, if you're not going to say
goodbye, at least give us a push.

Well,

you can say what you like about the
place. There's never a dull moment in

Welling Garden City, is there?

Jack and Johnny!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, you're really beautiful, and
it's really wonderful to be here in our

wonderful country.

Well, let's start the proceeding, shall
we, with something that Pops and I

knocked out way back in 1882.

Yes, our greatest hit, Iolante. I hope
you remember it.

I love you, Iolante.

You're the only girl I fancy For my
heart I promise

you All the

same I beg your pardon But I promised no
rose garden

We were strangers in the night Doobie
doobie doobie doobie

doobie doobie doobie doobie

And for a show called Age of Miss
Pinnivore, the professor and I came up

this swinging little opus, and I hope as
though you like it.

My wife's name is Buttercup, big rugged
Buttercup. When she plays rugby, don't

scoff.

On Saturday, Buttercup won the Calcutta
Cup. When will she really kick off?

Yes, and then we wrote a little ditty
that did us a lot of good, chart -wise,

Bill. Coming right up, maestro.

Oh, I'm going to marry Yum -Yum. Yum
-Yum! She'll soon be a mummy, cos yummy,

yum -yummy, I'd love in my tummy, tum
-tum. Tum -tum! Stick that in your

album. Bum -bum!

A shy samurai went to London to buy
seven blankets,

two sheets, and a pillow.

And he married the maiden who first
caught his eye at that firm run by

and gillow.

There was never a subject they quarreled
about.

Of their love for each other, there
wasn't a doubt.

Till she wore a low neckline, t 'was
then they fell out.

They know, they will know, they will
know.

For we sail the deep blue sea, and
although you'd never think it, the rum's

strong for me.

But I like the men who drink it.

There's a sailor lying drunk and feeling
peaky. Feeling peaky. In the gutter

where the pavement curvy grips.

Curvy grips.

And he cries, my craft of pinafore is
leaky.

For is leaky. What the Navy needs is
more efficient ships.

Efficient ships.

Oh,

I lost my... Little sweetie pie in
Venice.

Pie in Venice.

Let me warn you, never go there with a
gal.

With a gal.

Because those handsome gondoliers are
quite a menace. Quite a menace.

As they ply their trade upon that far
canal.

Fancy that.

Here's a tootle -doo. Time to say adieu.

We'd very much like to hear how pleasant
it's been to pass the time with you and

to think... Thank you, and indeed think
of you, as well as thank you, for your

love and kindness throughout the years,
because kindness is, after all, isn't

it, what love is all about. But then
there's a little verse that says it all

perfectly. We found a wounded pigeon
once, we never will forget it. We took

poor thing and we mended its wing, it
was well by the spring, so he ate it.

Thank you very much. Well, that's all
for this week. This programme was, in

fact, repeated at 11 .15 this morning,
so if you've just switched on, you've

missed it twice already.

Next week, we'll be talking to the Mufti
of Baroda, the lounge suit of

Hyderabad, and the bedsock of Bangalore.

We'll also talk to a Trappist monk who
will ask this question.

Meanwhile, on BBC One at 9 .20 tonight,
you can see our new serial, The Meat

Paste Saga.

This is, of course, a potted version.

And for those of you who are worried
about pollution in the channel, we are

pleased to report a Coast Guard today
sighted a 500 -yard slick of clear

And we leave you with a warning to
motorists. Take great care on the knees

flyover, as it hasn't been built yet.

So it's goodnight from me and goodnight
from him. Goodnight. Goodnight.