All language subtitles for English.Teacher.2024.S01E04.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab.en[cc]

[sighs, kisses]

-Hi, handsome. How are you?
-[groans]

Good. You?

Hey, sexy.

-Oh, I spent the night.
-You did.

-We gotta do less of these sleepovers.
-Why?

Because it makes us think that
we're boyfriends again. And that means...

[Malcolm]
It's a sleepover. It's fine, baby.

Don't call me "baby."
Call me Evan. I'm Evan...

You're not just Evan to me.
You're baby. You're my baby.

If we just let ourselves float back
into being boyfriends...

-Where is the hole?
-It's there. Put your arm in.

...then we're gonna be boyfriends again,
and guess what's gonna happen?

We're gonna have to break up again.

-You're good.
-Thank you.

You're not gonna be able to find
a real relationship if we keep doing this.

I can't just be complacent in my own life.

Shut up. Rude.

Being with me is the only exciting part
of your life. Remember that.

You are very interesting.

Do you have a clean toothbrush?
I don't wanna use yours again.

Baby, I literally spat in your mouth
last night. You remember?

It's different bacteria.

[chuckling] You remember.

Don't go. Let me give you head.

[Evan] I have to go.

Wait, kiss. Hello?
I love being your boyfriend.

[Evan] Okay, bye.

["Kyrie" playing]

♪ Kyrie eleison down the road
That I must travel ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison on... ♪

Siri, text Malcolm,
"No, I don't have your Apple Watch.

I don't know when
you would've even left that at my place.

I'm always at your place, honestly."

[gunshots firing]

What? Mr. Marquez, no. What the fuck, bro?

-Yo, what? Chill, queen.
-What?

[whispering]
Put your phones on silent. Get down.

Is this gay panic?

[Evan] Lay flat. Lay flat.

Lay flat. What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Mr. Marquez, it's not a shooting.

It's gun club.

[panting]

-What?
-[Jeff] Chill the eff out.

[whispers] Gun club?

Yeah, Coach Hillridge
started that shit back up.

Why is... Why is there a gun club?

To shoot guns?

[Becca] You should change that shirt.

I have a crop top in my locker.
Do you want it?

["Kyrie" resumes playing]

♪ My heart is old
It holds my memories ♪

♪ My body burns a gem-like flame ♪

Fire!

Fire!

Fire! Barrels down.

♪ Is where I find myself ♪

-[gunshot]
-[song cuts out]

We have to talk about the list.
Have you seen the list?

No. But whatever that is,
I have something way more important.

Gwen, I thought
I was gonna die this morning.

Is it the tonsil? It's getting bigger.

I'm sorry. Let me look. Let me see.

No. It's not that.

Gun... I heard gunshots.

-[Gwen] Oh. Wait.
-Markie.

He shot people?
He's shooting people? He's hunting people?

-No.
-[Grant] Evan, Gwen. Please,

with the distractions.
I'm low blood sugar right now.

-Do you need an apple? Yeah?
-Psst.

-Ev. Do you need a shirt?
-[Grant] Trust exercises between teachers...

I got some at home.

I have shirts at home too.

[laughs]

Okay. So if you have
any more ideas to contribute,

just talk to Lacey by 4:00 p.m. on Friday
or forever hold your peace.

And that is the last item
on my godforsaken agenda.

Okay. Anything else? No?
Thank you. Great. All right.

-Hi. Hello.
-[Grant] Oh, no, Evan.

Please. We're already running late.

This morning I was involved in a shooting.

-What?
-[staff] What?

At least I thought
it was a shooting, okay?

It was actually Markie's new gun club.

[all groan]

My life flashed before my eyes.

To hear the sound of gunshots in
a school environment in this day and age...

You're gonna say triggered?

Thank you, Evan,
for expressing your feelings about this.

-We all understand. We all hear you.
-I thought I was gonna die at work.

Do you guys fucking get it?

People are being gunned down in America

-every day.
-Yes.

[Evan] And I thought it was gonna be
us today, okay? It felt so real.

We need to shut this gun club down.

Not happening, buddy. Seriously.

The firearms safety program, it was
shut down in the dark days of '99, okay?

I am not about to let it
get railroaded again.

Okay, fine. So, actually, we can just wait
for one of your little gun protégés

to walk through that door
with a semiautomatic...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That is not how that goes.

Evan, Evan. It's a firearm safety program.

Safety. It's designed to protect, man.

It's all about teaching these kids
how to do the right thing

with these guns
that are already out there.

This is Texas.

I can't even believe other people
are okay with this. You all support this?

-[teacher 1] I don't know. Maybe.
-[teacher 2] No.

It's not a democracy. It doesn't matter
who's okay with it and who's not.

What matters is that it is legal,
and it's school board approved.

And that is the end of this conversation.

And for God's sakes,
change your fucking shirt.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean
to use the F word. I'm so sorry.

Please, Gwen. Can I have
that apple now, please?

All right? Dismissed.
Go inspire young minds, please.

Oh, my God. I gotta go.

My mom and dad are getting back together.

-Marquez. Evan.
-What?

Are you serious in there, man?

Every time I try and do
something important at this school,

it's, like, you wanna get it shut down.

I can't even talk to you about this,
Markie. This is not a discussion.

This is not some cute thing
that you're doing wrong.

This is people's lives.

Well, hold on, man.
You're hot and bothered right now.

Where do the false equivalencies
end with you?

Where did you learn that expression?

I'm doing, like,
a Harvard extension online thing.

I am so impressed. I did UT online.

I am so in debt.

There's no false equivalency, Markie.
A gun is a gun.

You give a kid a gun,
you're giving a kid a gun.

Now everybody thinks
you're a piece of shit, so...

You are adorable when you're angry.

I am giving them an education.
I'm an educator. Okay?

Save this activist thing for Facebook.

Nobody's on Facebook, Markie.
How old are you? I'm shutting it down.

I'm... I'm your age.

No, you're not.

Can we talk about the list now?

There's a list online
of the hottest teachers ranked.

What? And what? You're number one?

-I'm 26.
-What?

-That's crazy. You're so hot.
-Yeah.

You must be reading it ba...
Maybe 26 is the highest.

No, I know. No.
But I'm not reading it wrong. I'm 26.

-It's insane. I'm going insane.
-Where'd you find this?

The student Discord.
Rick texted it to me. He's on there

-under a fake student name.
-He should not be doing that.

Anyway I'm shutting it down.

You're gonna shut it down
because you're low on the list?

No, f... for feminist reasons.
This is terrible.

Not because you're number 26?

No. Why would I care about that?

How do you shut down a list
you're not supposed to know about?

-That's the question.
-Listen, this gun stuff, I'm serious.

Like, you, me, all these kids.
We could be dead right now.

Thirty-four years old. That would be it.

Yeah. I switched
to saying I'm 32 recently. But yeah.

I'm not just watching this stuff happen
on the news anymore. Okay?

I'm not gonna be a statistic.
I'm doing something about this.

Wow, that's good. You say that,
and I'm, like, I'm on your side.

I'm not gonna let you guys
become statistics.

I'm doing something about this.

Yeah, I'ma do something about this dick.

That's what you got out of that, Frank?
Come on, man.

I mean, it's a gun safety course,
Mr. Marquez.

You think shutting that down
is gonna do anything about gun violence?

It's the principle of it.

He's trying to take a stand.

[Evan] I am taking a stand, Jeff.

I'm taking a stand, okay?
I don't care if you guys get it.

Of course we get it.

We've been doing drills our entire lives.
We're used to it.

You shouldn't be used to it.
That is so depressing.

It's not that depressing.

Mr. Marquez, I'm with you.
I'm super anti-gun.

Hartman, we know you're anti-gun.

Your parents are, like, hippies.

They are, like, anti-electricity.

They're not anti-electricity,
they're pro-wind turbines.

Look, I get that you guys
have gotten used to this,

but you shouldn't be used to it, okay?

To me, if I grew up in this environment,
I would feel insane.

Like, you are probably having
levels of cortisol in your body

that you don't even realize are there.

What's cortisol?

There's really nothing we can do about it.

It's like a... It's like a shark attack.
It's like a force-of-nature kind of thing.

It's not a force of nature.
This is what I'm saying.

This is a completely preventable problem.

But it's not preventable if we can't get
the government to do anything about it.

The gun lobby's too powerful.

They killed my stepdad.

Oh, my God, Jeff. That's crazy.

This is the kind of stuff
I'm talking about.

I'm just playing with you.
But you know the vibes.

Jeff, you have trauma.

From being so cool.

[Tiffany] Who said you're cool?

I mean, safety-wise, there's that one door
that has metal detectors.

Becca, nobody goes through that door.

You can't bring metal through it.

No, you can go through it. It just beeps.

I don't know. I just feel like
when I was you guys' age,

like, if we wanted to change something,
we would do something about it.

We would speak truth to power. You know?

Like, about what?

Like, we would protest,
like, Bush getting reelected.

And we were trying to get Kerry in office.

[Jeff] Did it work?

[stammers, sighs]

Oh, my God.
I just thought of something. I'm a genius.

What if we did a protest?

But, like, to show
that we disagree with the gun club.

Right. Well, that is what I've been saying
this whole time. But yes, sure.

If we're gonna do a protest,
it needs to be inside

because my hair will get insane.

Oh. My cousin just did a...
a drunk-driving protest at her school.

We could try to do something like that.

But I wouldn't know how to organize that.

Why is it hard to organize? You guys
are on all these group chats, right?

I'm not in any group chats.

I'm a one-on-one guy.

Dude, is this
one of those drunk-driving things?

It's an
anti-getting-killed-by-guns protest.

The kids are making their voices heard.
I'm joining them.

That's good. I'm so anti-death,
so I'm, like, so on board.

Ghosts. Duality of life and death.

[stammers, speaks Spanish]

[in English]
It's an anti-gun-club protest.

Oh, it's not reading like that.

What is going on?
You look like Erin Brockovich.

I always look like this.

Lies. She's doing it because of the list.

No. But seriously,
who is making that list, right?

'Cause we know who's making the hot list.

Who makes it? Who is it?

Um, I don't know.

-Damn it.
-Nobody knows who makes the list.

-What the hell is this?
-Oh, God.

Just a little protest. Yeah, that's right.

Some of the kids in my program
heard about what y'all were up to

and decided they wanted
to make their voices known too.

You're doing a protest?
What are you protesting?

Protesting y'all for bullying us.

-Bullying you?
-[laughs]

Yeah. Trying to bully us
out of having guns.

If we can't have guns,
then we can't protect ourselves.

Protect yourselves against what, Markie?

People with guns.

You're saying if you can't protect
yourself from guns, then you're dead.

So guns are the problem.

If there were no guns, there would be
no problem. Are you starting to see that?

I'm starting to see
that you're the problem.

You don't understand that we already live
in a world where guns exist, Evan.

-[Grant] Coach Hillridge!
-We already... Guns are already here.

Coach!

What?

What?

-What?
-Let's go.

-We're not even meeting on school grounds.
-You are promoting death.

I am not promoting death.

-Oh, come on.
-Please, Just try to be civil.

-[Markie] No, no, no, no.
-Civil. Civil. Civil.

What does a gun do other than kill people?

-Uh, protect people. It protects people.
-From what?

-People who don't know how to use...
-From people who have guns to kill people.

[Markie] You know, Evan, man,

I'm trying to do something for the kids.
I'm trying to give 'em a skill, a lesson.

Yeah, but the problem is,
when you do something like that,

it doesn't work 'cause you're an idiot.

[sighs]

Markie, Markie. Markie, Markie.
Mar... Markie.

Oh, God, Evan.

Oh, God. I feel bad for saying that.

Look. Politically, I agree with you.

-You're anti-gun?
-Well, you know. But... You know?

See, I can't track your politics.

I do it on purpose.
I can't. It's, like, I have to...

[grunts]

Look, I can't do anything about it.

The rules are very clear,
and I just have to stay out of it.

Just... Every possible way. I just have to.

It's your favorite thing to do.

Basically, yes. All right?

So, the club stays, unless there's
an active threat, which there is not.

What constitutes an active threat?

Evan, do not do anything stupid.

What? I wasn't even thinking
of doing anything.

I'm literally asking,
what's an active threat?

Now I'm thinking something.

Hello?

Crime and Punishment.

An incredible book,
but what if that were you?

What if you were Raskolnikov,
and you could get away with anything?

[chuckles]

We all have this voice inside of us
that's kind of dark and weird and scary.

And society tells us to push that down.

I say, "Eff you, society." Right?

We got to express ourselves.
That's what our friend Fyodor did.

Worked out pretty well for him.
And this book sold a lot of copies.

Guys, this is English class, okay?

This is a safe space for you to say
anything, no matter how scary, how dark.

I want you... When you write in here,
to forget anything

that anyone reading this might think
about what you're writing, and just write.

You're talking about creative writing?

Creative writing. That's what we're doing.

Three pages of creative writing.

And the subject is, "If you could get away
with any heinous act, what would you do?"

Really get into this one, guys. Go wild.

It's gonna be fun.
I wanna hear some nasty stuff, okay?

And if it's a little bit of this...

You know, I don't wanna say the word
for this, but if these are involved,

maybe a little bit of extra credit.
I don't...

Question. Is this for a grade?

Just pass-fail, yeah. And as long
as it's violent and heinous, it's a pass.

So, like, is this double-spaced or...

I don't care.

So I don't get it. Like, you want someone
to write an essay about killing you?

No, it doesn't need to be about me.

It just has to be something,
like, threatening for the school.

Yo, where's Nick?

He's at Buffalo Wild Wings with
his work friends. Or his ex-work friends,

'cause they still work there,
but he got laid off. Obviously.

Glad I don't have a day job.

-[Malcolm] Hi.
-[Rick] Malcolm.

-[Gwen] Come on in.
-Oh, God.

Oh, my fucking God.
Wait, what happened to your yard?

Were you bombed? It looks horrible.

No, Nick's building a pool!

-By hand?
-Why is that what everybody focuses on?

Pay. Pay people to do that.

Malcolm, check it out.

I found these rocks in the hole.
They look like teeth.

Oh, those are teeth.

-What? I was touching chips...
-[whispers] You invited him?

-Yeah, he said you guys are back together.
-[Rick] Oh, my God, dude.

-Touching chips then teeth.
-We're not back together.

What? He sent me a picture of you in bed.

-[Malcolm] Gwen. This look.
-[Gwen] Yeah.

Very sexy, I love it.
It's new for you, right?

-I knew you'd like it.
-You usually look not sexy.

-Okay.
-No, it looks hot. It's good.

She's doing it
because she fell six spots down the list.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-[Gwen] No, I'm not.

What? What? What?

-Active threat. Active threat.
-What?

Active threat.

[Evan] This is it. This is the one.

This is... This is really intense.

I mean, this is concerning maybe. I...

-Like, how?
-[Evan] Look at this.

He goes, "They'll pay.
They'll pay with their lives."

That doesn't seem bad.

"This is me talking.
This isn't fiction anymore.

I've got an unslakable thirst
that can only be quenched by blood."

Blood? It could be a vampire.

Ultimately, compelling.
I mean, like, I'm hooked.

This is gonna work.
We're shutting it down.

Incredible. Shut it down!

As you all know, an active threat
was found in our community last night.

A number of measures have been taken.

Of course, the student in question,
who will not be named here,

will be entering immediate evaluation.

Also, metal detectors will be installed

at the remaining entrances
throughout the school.

This is awful news.

And I suppose
this part goes without saying,

but effective immediately, the gun club...

Firearms safety program.

...will be suspended indefinitely.

-[teacher 3] What? No.
-[teachers sigh]

There it is.

[Markie] Okay.
And that's how gun club dies again.

Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

Taken out back
and just George-and-Lennied.

Just... That's it? We're done?

Markie, please. If you make a speech,
then Evan has to make a speech.

And... No speeches while I'm speaking!

-[Markie] Okay, fine.
-Okay? I shouldn't have to say that.

All right. Anyway,
gun thing is canceled, okay?

However, per the district's instructions,
thanks to Evan here...

Whoo-hoo! Evan's our guy.

...we will now begin immediate
firearm training for all faculty.

-What?
-Sorry, what?

Never mind. That's bad.

Each classroom will now have a gun
in a lockbox

-to be accessed in case of a threat.
-[Gwen] Okay.

I'd like to opt out of that option.

Too bad. Firearm training starts tomorrow,
and Markie will lead it.

Oh. You're all in good hands.

Okay, you know what?
You know what? I have something to say.

Is this not a speech?

I don't think this is all bad,

even though, you know, we all
have to learn how to use guns now,

because the kids no longer have guns.

And that is really
what this was all about to me,

and it should have been
about that to you all too.

So, a success was achieved.

-[Rick] Legendary.
-Nice one, buddy.

And last but not least, free-writing
assignments will now be banned.

-Yes.
-[teacher 4] That's terrible.

That is good, actually,
with how this all shook out.

[student] Yeah, exactly.

-Hey, Jeff. Hey.
-What's up, Ms. Sanders?

So you like making lists, huh?

How do you know about that?

I know about it
'cause I've been working on this all week.

And Becca literally just told me
that it's you.

-Damn.
-Listen, Jeff... [sighs]

I just... I... I just wanna know,
like, why am I low on the list?

Just out of curiosity. I don't
actually care. I just... I'm curious.

And you want the truth?

Yeah, of course. Yes.

Ever since I saw the list
was affecting how you dress,

I started manipulating you.

Sick. What?

What? No. No, like,
I want you to dress well. Elegant.

-You're a 34-year-old woman.
-32.

-Still have nearly half your life ahead.
-You think I'm gonna live to 60?

You don't have to wear plain dresses
just because you have a tough job

-and your boyfriend's going insane.
-What?

Look, I actually
put together some looks for you.

You put together some looks?

[Gwen] Oh, wow. It's... Okay.

What do you got here?

I like that blazer. That's good.

I like that belt too, that high.
That's good.

God, I like these shoes though.
It's cute with the... with the wedge.

Those are Giuseppe Zanotti.

Sus-eppe Zan-oni?

No, stop. Okay.

Email this to me. But seriously,

this is wrong, Jeff. You know what?
I'm gonna give you detention.

You shouldn't be manipulating teachers.
You shouldn't be objectifying teachers.

Okay, I'm just saying,
you look good in teal.

[Gwen] Shut up.

But thank you.

What the fuck, Mr. Marquez?

Oh, Pablo, hey.

I... I'm so sorry about all of this.

But that was really
a particularly violent essay.

What's wrong with violent?
I was inspired by the concept of murder.

You were what?

I was inspired by the concept of murder.

Well, look, I mean,
it's all gonna be fine.

You're under 18. This is not
gonna go on your permanent record.

And I even wrote a letter for your file

taking full responsibility
for the assignment. You'll be fine.

Now I have to go to therapy
three times a week.

Yeah. I mean, people pay
a lot of money for therapy, right?

You're getting it for free. [chuckles]

I guess now I know who to talk to
about my intrusive thoughts.

What intrusive thoughts do you have?

Just stuff about buying a new car.

Right. Exactly.

So we can call it a win-win, right? Okay.

I guess we're cool.

Don't get on my list though.

No, I can't believe
we have to get firearms training now.

Markie's gonna fucking shoot us.

It's fine. We'll just get through it.

You're just saying that
'cause it's your fault.

I was trying to do something good.

What if we all get into gunfights,
like, every day now?

Yeah, that would suck.

Well, at least we get to be outside,
and we're together.

See, this outfit is working.

I know. [cheers]

All right.

The only thing stronger
than a bad guy with a gun is?

A girl with a gun.

A good guy with a gun.

Which one are you?

Listen, Evan. I know, man.

I know you're pissed at me.
I know you think you won something.

I did win, okay?

In my own way, because no,
I didn't end gun violence,

but I got some guns
out of some kids' hands.

And that is good, Markie.
I made the world a better place.

I don't care how much shit you give me.
We're on the same side.

Okay, buddy? Seriously,
we're the good guys here, man.

Think about it like this.

You've worked your whole life
to become a power bottom,

now you get to be a power bottom
with a gun.

You think I'm a bottom
after this whole week?

-[Markie] Honestly?
-He's only bottomed, like, once.

Can we please shoot, please?
Evan, can you... Markie, please?

Here we go. This is what we're here for.

-Aim.
-Markie.

-What?
-I don't need your advice.

-I know you need my advice. This has...
-Please back up.

-This is very straightforward.
-Buddy. It's not.

There's the bull's-eye, here's the gun.

-No, it's called recoil.
-I'm doing it. Back up.

-Oh, shit, man. Whoa!
-Okay. Okay.

-You okay? You okay?
-[Gwen] Did you break your wrist?

-Yeah, I'm fine.
-[Evan panting]

-You okay?
-I don't know. I don't know.

Actually, hey, look at that.

Bull's-eye, huh?

Look at you. Feel that power, buddy.

Oh, hell yeah.

["Kyrie" playing]

♪ Kyrie eleison down the road
That I must travel ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison
Through the darkness of the night ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison, where I'm going
Will you follow? ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison
On a highway in the night ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison down the road
That I must travel ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison
Through the darkness of the night ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison, where I'm going
Will you follow?

♪ Kyrie eleison
On a highway in the night ♪

♪ Kyrie eleison down the road
That I must travel ♪

[song fades out]