All language subtitles for the.great.north.s04e07.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab

Guys, I hope you're
ready for some big breakfast news

because the scab on my knee
finally came off, and I realized

it was actually a tiny
piece of beef jerky.

What an absolutely perfect thing
to hear when I am eating bacon.

And does anyone else have
something they'd like to share?

Some big news? Maybe Ham?

Dad!

Come on, son, you
should be proud.

Okay, well, it's no big deal,

but you know that
cake competition

Stodgy Roger's Crumb Off?

Can confidently say

- I do not.
- Really?

It's always on
those online lists of

top ten cake competitions

in the subarctic zone.

And I got in.

Bake a leg, Ham.

Make sure you bring the
part they don't eat home.

And it's this
weekend in New Fork.

- Hold up, New Fork?!
- What's New Fork?

Honeybee, it's a
nearby town they converted

to look like a
little Parisian city.

They have a replica
of the Eiffel Tower that's

a replica of the replica of
the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.

I'd love to
go see it and,

see some of Ham's
Baking Bonanza thing.

A trip to New Fork
really sparks my interest.

- So you guys want to come?
- Of course they do.

Tell 'em what
you're making, son.

Well, this year's
competition theme

is Alaskan Landmarks,
so I'll be making

Horn E. Stewart's Honkytonk.

You know, the dive
bar near Fairbanks?

This is actually perfect timing.

I've been looking for a splashy

subject for the
documentary I need

to make for my
Mixed Media class.

I'll call it My Octopus Baker.

Ham, quick question,
would you be willing to

dress as an octopus, fall in
love with me, and then die?

Um, no? But I'd still
love for you to come.

And, um, just to warn you guys,

while this is Alaska's premier

baking showcase,
it will be a long day

and you don't get to
eat any cake till the end.

So if you don't
want to come, hey,

you know, it's no big deal.

Great.

Aunt Dirt, we've asked you

so many times to please stop

sneaking up on us at breakfast.

And I've told you so many
times that it's who I am.

Sorry.

I ate a chipmunk on my way over.

There are no
chipmunks in Alaska.

Well, I ate something, and it
squeaked the whole way down.

She's right over here,

but I got to warn you,
she's a little rough.

That's all right. We
just need a vehicle

big enough for Ham's cake.

The cakes for this competition
are huge showstoppers.

I mean, the show won't
stop, but it will be tempted.

Here she is. I call
her Sloppy Susan.

She was a Hollywood Star
Tour that spotted John Lithgow.

Followed his car all
the way to Alaska.

Sloppy Susan here
has got a lot of problems,

but don't we all?

Bathroom doesn't work,
her brakes are shot,

you'll have to jump
her to get her started,

and then I wouldn't
stop until you get there.

What do you think, Ham?

As Julia Child famously said,

"I love this bus."

Thank you all for coming

to our New Fork
transportation safety meeting.

Ooh, exciting. This is like
in Ocean's Eleven when

they lay out the heist plan.

I'll be driving, and since

the cake won't fit
on the first floor,

Wolf, Honeybee,
Moon and Aunt Dirt,

you'll be upstairs with
Ham bracing the cake.

Wasn't listening, don't
care, but sounds good.

Now, the road to New
Fork is fairly smooth,

but winter may have
produced new potholes

and obstacles, so we should
keep an eye out for those,

and this bus can slow
but should not stop.

So here's the plan.
Here's our bus.

We're gonna start it up and...
drive to New Fork carefully.

Great visuals.
Feels like I'm there.

So it's actually more
like the movie Speed,

only without speed,
and Sandra Bullock is

- a big honkin' cake.
- Yes.

And we'll leave at noon sharp,
allowing a generous four hours

to make the two-hour
drive to New Fork.

- Sound good, Ham?
- Guys, don't worry about it.

Noon is fine. Or
noon-ish. No big deal.

We could get there even faster
if we took the shortcut down

Dead Man's Violent Death Road.

As the name implies,
that road tends to really

ice over and is quite curvy.

I don't want to take any
chances with Ham's creation.

Better safe than sorry.

Ooh, Dad, can you,
say that line again,

but just this time
right into camera?

Like, right down the barrel.

Feels like a fun trailer moment.

Well, you know cameras
give me crazy anxiety,

and I often fart,
but I'll give it a shot.

Better safe than sorry.

Beef.

If you want to go again,

I will need to change my pants.

Ham, how you doing?

In over your head and all

- out of answers?
- What?

No! I'm really excited.

My whole family is finally
coming to support me

at one of my competitions
and see me in action?

This must be how the
Olsen twins felt from ages

zero to 18, and
then never again.

Okay, okay, but don't
you feel extremely

anxious about
transporting a six-foot cake

across Alaska's
barren wasteland?

I mean, isn't that
affecting you?

I mean, I trust
Dad to drive safely.

And we're gonna have four
people guarding it at all times.

And where
are all those people?

Weren't you supposed
to leave an hour ago?

Is your family always this late?

Well, I'm sure they'll be
here any minute. No big deal.

Listen, I love your
whole beleaguered son vibe,

but could you please
Vanderpump it up a little bit?

Would it kill you to call a
family member the meanest word

you can think of? This is
my grade on the line, Ham.

Hey, ogre here!

Two Shreks on deck,
and we're ready to roll.

Hi, guys.

- why are you dressed that way?
- Well...

I was Bing-ing New
Fork attractions,

and I found a Shrek
appreciation society there.

As luck would have it,
they're hosting a Group Shrek

event today, so we thought we'd
pop over during that boring part

of the competition you mentioned
and then come right back.

Sure.

Okay. No big deal.

Honeybee, push me.

Good morning, family.

Dad, why do you look so tired?

I'm fine. I was just
up all night doing a...

- very important thing.
- Really, Dad? 'Cause...

I set up my camera to get
some B-roll shots overnight,

and I have you on film
bingeing a TV show at 3:00 a.m.

My.

Okay, yes, I did get
drawn into a reality show.

The night before the
biggest competition of my life?

Okay, well, no
big deal, I guess.

Don't worry, Ham, I slept
for 14 minutes and had

eight cups of coffee,
so now I am ready to die.

- I think you mean "drive."
- That's the one.

Top o' the
morning, nimrods.

- Shotgun!
- Aunt Dirt,

what's in the gigantic
mysterious bag?

Some baby carrots. Mind
your own business. Let's ride.

Wolf, Honeybee,

come on top to brace.

Sorry, Ham, it
seems that we cannot

get up the stairs in our suits.

So we'll just stay here and

help by... being Shreks.

Do you want to hear me
say "Get out of my swamp"?

- Sure.
- Get outta my swamp.

Okay, yeah, thanks.
That was helpful.

All right, Dad, I
guess we're ready.

I'm slipping! I'm slipping!

Don't let it hit the walls.

What happened?!

Looks like your dad
fell asleep at the wheel!

That's, that's okay.

But things were not okay.

Well, luckily the engine is
still running, so there's that.

Dad, I don't want
to sleep-shame you,

but you're clearly
too tired to drive.

Someone else needs
to take the wheel.

Wolf and I have no
peripheral vision right now,

and each of these
hands weighs 35 pounds.

I'm more of an Adam Driver than

a bus driver right now.

I'm a person of film.
You know what I mean?

I'll do it. My license
expired in 1965,

but if we get pulled over,
I'll just show 'em my gams,

and when they look
down, I'll start shooting.

Okay, Dirt's out,
so that leaves me.

I'm gonna drive myself
to my own competition.

Dad does appear to be once
again asleep in that snowbank there.

So let's get him up.

So, Ham, how's it going

After that big crash caused
by your own father?

And, you know, don't
be afraid to use metaphor.

I mean, make it your own,
but let's say if you feel like

a butterfly in a cocoon
or a well that's run dry or...

I'm fine. I'm just grateful

-that everyone's now on
the bus and we're on our way.

Whoa. What the...

You know Dad
sleep-screams when he's overtired.

Remember how Mom
used to make him sleep

with a rolled-up sock in his mouth?

This doc could use
a little more juicy drama.

I'm sorta looking
for, like, in The Jinx,

when that guy burped
his way to prison.

You got anything like that?

I could do a
regular non-prison burp.

You know what? As a
documentarian, I need to let

my camera tell me
where the story is,

and you know what
she's telling me?

It's time to go to the bathroom

and start the confessionals.

Moon's watching the
cake by himself upstairs,

and we got a
smooth patch of road,

so you're getting five minutes
and not a second more.

- - Aah!
- Charles Chaplin's taint!

- What the hell?
- Ha, yeah. I forgot to tell you

there's definitely
something living in there.

- I'll get my gun.
- No, that's okay.

I just put a little bit of
Nerds Rope down there,

and whatever it is
has settled down.

Now let's talk.
What's in the bag?

Okay, Fancy Drew, I'll tell you.

What's in the bag
has to do with the real

reason I'm hitching a
ride to New Fork: revenge.

Now, this is what
I've been looking for.

Weave me a cross-stitch
with your memories.

It all started a few years

before I went into the
bunker. It was 1962.

I was walking around
the woods one day

when something caught my eye.

It was a basketball, but
not just any basketball.

A pristine,
straight-out-of-the-box,

clean as hell basketball.

I was headed to a
Hula-Hoop party that night,

and I couldn't wait to dazzle
the dames with my unusual find.

But a little later, I
stopped by the post office

to buy a thousand stamps
for a penny and mail a pistol

to my niece for her christening,
when I saw my friend Hilda.

I told her about the ball.

Then, that night at the party
I see Hilda holding a pristine,

straight-out-of-the-box
basketball.

Claimed she found it sitting
in the woods, just like me.

When she clearly
just bought a new one!

I've never forgotten
what she did to me.

Never. That's why
I brought these.

Moon helped me use the
pornography typewriter...

- The computer.
- May I finish?

And we found out that
Hilda lives in New Fork.

So I'll go up to her
place, ring the doorbell.

When she opens up, I'll
throw all these basketballs

at her lying face.

- Whoa.
- She deserves it.

My story isn't the
only thing she stole.

I cut my hair short,
she cut her hair short.

I got horn-rimmed glasses,
she got horn-rimmed glasses.

I get polio, she gets polio.

Well, it is highly contagious.

- Don't defend her.
- Sorry, sorry.

And don't worry, only
one of the basketballs

I'm gonna hurl at
her is full of milk.

Basketball Full of Milk.

That's a great title
for this documentary.

So give me a signal when
you're going, and I'll tag along.

Perfect. You can
distract the fuzz.

Say something like,
"This is all my fault. I did it."

Okay, we're halfway there.

And if my math is correct,

we only have one
more half to go. Aah!

Hey, bud, didn't
mean to scare you.

Here's the thing.

I kinda need to use
the little Shrek's room,

and Judy alerted me that
there's some creatures in the can.

Well, we can't really stop
because we might stall

and not be able to start again.
Any chance you could hold it?

Already got a little bit of a
personal swamp situation

going on, if you follow.

What I mean is, I
did pee a bit already.

Look, maybe you just
go really slow, I hop out,

and hop back on
before you know it.

I guess that might work.

Keep her slow, Ham.

See you in two
shakes of my front tail.

Pulling my pants down.
Just keeping you guys posted.

Okay, little update, I can't
get 'em off with these hands!

- Can't he just take the hands off?
- No.

We used a special glue.

We'd need acetone
to remove them.

I'll go help.

Aah!

Turn me over! Turn me over!

Here I go, too!

- Ooh, this is great stuff.
- Is it?

Seriously?

- Did Wolf whiz yet?
- Nope.

It's a disaster.

I'll go help the Gumbys.

Great. Now almost
everyone is off the bus.

Perfect.

These
suckers are on tight.

Yup, you might have
to cut me out of 'em.

Can someone help me
up? No? I guess I'll just rest.

Pants, I command you to
release my nephew's penis!

No. I'm caught.

I'll hop out and help.

Moon, no. No one's
watching the cake.

- Judy, you take the wheel!
- Can you say that again?

And any chance you could
cheat to camera, please.

- Judy, the wheel!
- Fine.

I got the pants off!

Why is your penis green, too?

That? It's actually
just a funny coincidence.

Bring the bus around!

That's black ice.

- Somebody help me up.
- I got you. - I'm peeing!

So, where are we at
in your mind's journey, Ham?

- Are you angry at everyone?
- No.

I mean, we lost 30
minutes doing one pee stop

because my adult
brother couldn't

get his ogre suit
off, but no big deal.

So, are you saying
there's a ticking clock?

Because that would
actually help my film a lot.

Executives always ask for that.

Like, what would
happen if we were late?

Let's go into that.

There's a ten-minute
registration grace period,

but once those cake
doors close, that's it.

We could always
take the shortcut.

Why are you
down here again?!

Relax. Aunt Dirt's got the cake.

Moon, we are not taking
Dead Man's Violent Death Road.

Suit yourself, but it would
cut our trip by 20 minutes.

I'm sure you can
handle the road.

Mom drove me down
it in a blackout once

to the fireworks store
'cause she was hooking up

with the owner Kevin
Boom Boom Senior.

And we were totally fine.
But like I said, suit yourself.

Okay, fine.

Did I only want to
come on this trip

in the hopes that I
would somehow get to go

to Kevin Boom Boom's Fairytale
Discount Grenades & Fireworks?

Yes. And did I
suggest the shortcut

because it goes right
past Kevin Boom Boom's

Fairytale Discount Grenades
& Fireworks? Also yes.

And am I planning on
waiting for the right moment

to grab a tree branch,
jump off the bus,

run into Kevin's, buy as
many grenades as I can,

then hitchhike to New
Fork? You tell me.

Wait, so is Dead Man's Violent
Death Road an actual shortcut?

If we survive it? Probably.

Okay. We're taking the shortcut!

Boom!

You won't regret this, Ham.

But Ham
would come to regret it.

What?

Please don't interact
with the narrator, okay?

Well, I guess
this road isn't that bad.

Glad you're happy,

but as a filmmaker this
is very disappointing.

Okay, not
even Dad's sleep screams

are spicing up this snooze.

Good thing I've got
a secret ogre drama

that I've been cooking
up in my cauldron.

Okay, first of all, let
me just say, ignore

the screeches of the
animals under your buttocks.

They'll quiet down now that
they have more Nerds Rope.

- Terrific.
- So, tell me about the Group Shrek.

A Group Shrek is
basically just a wholesome

hang for Shrek-heads
to Shrek out together.

Group Shrek
is definitely an orgy.

I can't believe they don't know.

I would tell them,
but a good filmmaker

never gets involved
with their subjects.

We all dress up, talk about

our favorite lines
from the movies...

Wolf said the website
mentioned something called

- a swamp romp, donkey rides...
- Orgy.

There's mention of Lord
Farquaad throughout,

but they keep spelling it
wrong and using it as a verb.

Big, big orgy.

So, Dad, your oldest
son is going to an orgy

and your youngest
son is buying grenades.

How do you plead?

Well, I've
pushed multiple women

down the stairs, and
I blamed it on owls.

Perfect.

Calm down, guys.

I'll get you more
Nerds Rope. Sheesh!

Where am I?

The bathroom. Good.

Aah! Muskrats!

What's happening?! Why
is everyone screaming?!

That's
the critter I ate the other day.

Hello again.

One's in my costume!
One's in my costume!

- Don't let them near the cake!
- I'll go after 'em!

Moon!

- Ham, stop the bus right now.
- What? Why?

I'm gonna be late!
Where are the muskrats?

Two are in my hands, and one
is in your brother's Shrek suit.

I can eat one if need be.

Ham, seriously, stop.

Moon jumped off the bus!

I'm trying
to slow it down.

Doesn't feel like
we're slowing down!

I just said I'm trying!

I'm pressing all the
way down on the brakes!

God. Turn! Turn!

Bad news about that, too.

Everybody, get behind us.

Use us as airbags!

- Hold on!
- Brake, brake, brake, brake, brake, brake!

- My cake!
- Everyone okay?

- I'm good. - Okay over here.
- At least nothing exploded.

No.

Well, that was a beautiful
display of fireworks,

but the wheels on this bus
have gone round and round

for the last time.

Craps in the cradle, this blows.

We'll never make it to
the Group Shrek now.

Well, so much for
my big twist ending.

And all my basketballs exploded.

There's milk everywhere
except Hilda's stupid,

story-stealing face.

Dad, they said I need
your permission to buy

the City Eliminator firework.

If I leave here without
it, what was the point

- of even coming here?
- Me!

The whole point of this
trip was me and my cake

and my competition!

And you guys never
come to my competitions.

Hell, you never even ask
me about my competitions.

So I thought, "Wow, finally

"everyone is coming
to see me, Ham Tobin,

maker of cakes."

But you all just used me

to get a free ride to New Fork.

And now there isn't even a
ride because our bus is ruined.

And worse, my cake is ruined!

You are all selfish,
and I am honestly

embarrassed to be a Tobin.

I'm changing my last name to
Tooobbbbbeeeeegatonerrothonzizi.

Yeah! Well, actually
not that, but I'm

gonna go brainstorm
what I'm changing it to!

Hot damn. We broke Ham.

How's the brainstorming on
your new last name going?

Not great.

I thought of Ham
Seinfeld, and now

I can't think of anything else.

I'm sorry for the way everyone

has been acting today.

It's okay. No big deal.

Ham, you have
to stop saying that.

You say it a lot, but
some things are a big deal,

and it's okay to
acknowledge that.

And I don't want to make
excuses for the rest of the family,

but I think they kinda
believed you when you kept

saying the competition
was no big deal.

I just... I have a hard time
making a big thing about myself.

Well, why? Why can't
you be a big deal?

I don't want to burden anyone.

But I guess I also
secretly hope everyone

will still be there to
support me no matter what.

And then no one was.

Yeah. I mean, even you.

You stayed up so late
watching some dumb TV show

that you were too
tired to drive me today.

Ham, you're right, I
shouldn't have stayed up.

- It's okay.
- It's not okay.

- No, it's...
- Ham.

Fine! Father, it's not okay!

Good. But believe it or not,
I was actually trying to help.

Truth is, the show I
was so caught up in

was Cynthia, Fix My Cake!

Man, I worship Cynthia.

I love how she shows
up at people's houses

in a hot-air balloon.

Absolutely. Magic.

Thing is, I'm
prepared for so many

things in life, but I knew that

if something went wrong
with your cake today,

I wouldn't know how to help you.

I didn't want you to think
I didn't have faith in you,

but you know me. I have a
backup plan for a backup plan.

So I figured I'd study the show.

And to be honest,
I learned nothing.

I just couldn't look away,
son, because, well...

Cynthia has very, very
ginormous gazongas.

I'm not into women and
even I get mesmerized when

she whisks and
they whisk with her.

They do join her in
the dance, don't they?

Even Cynthia couldn't
fix this problem.

I brought a lot of extra
frosting for damages like

always, but I didn't expect to
need whole new cake layers.

We don't have more
cake, but we do have dirt.

I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm not
serving Aunt Dirt to the judges.

We both know
she'd just shoot them.

No, dirt as in soil.

It kind of looks like

chocolate cake, doesn't it?

What if we fixed your exploded
layers with packed soil?

Yeah, the
judges almost never

try a piece from
the front of the cake.

If I present the soil part as if

I want them to try it...

They'll take a different slice.

Wait, we still don't have
a way to get to New Fork.

Don't worry, Son-derella.

I believe your
fairy god-siblings

have that all figured out.

What's, what's happening?

We realized how
unsupportive we've been,

so we pooled our resources
to buy this carriage.

And now we can pull you and
your masterpiece to New Fork!

I traded in my camera.

I used my fireworks money.

I didn't give up crap.

And we gave up our Shrek
hands and the Fiona boobs.

Ham, you can sit in
the carriage and remake

- your cake while we pull you to New Fork.
- Okay.

Let's get to my competition.
Which is, in fact, a big deal.

- That's the spirit, son.
- Hyah!

I am honored to be a
part of this competition,

Your Highness Judge.

Might I suggest tasting
a slice of the gift shop?

You can suggest it, but I
make my own decisions.

Are you nervous, Ham?

Waiting for the winner
to be announced

would have been great on
camera, but I'll just record it

on my eyeballs
for my brain film.

The winner of this year's
Stodgy Roger's Crumb Off is...

Ham Tobin.

- That's my boy!
- Yeah, Ham!

I sure wish Stodgy Roger
was alive to see this moment.

I am. I'm right here.

- It really is good, Ham.
- I got a little pebble

in mine, but I've
eaten rocks before.

Hilda got my voice mail.

The bastard.

Hold my cake.

Aunt Dirt, no!

How long are
we gonna give 'em?

Five minutes. Ten?

Start the carriage!
Group Shrek wasn't what

- we thought it was.
- Go, go, go.

They nasty. Let's
go, let's go, let's go.

Hey, you forgot
your orgy gift bag.

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