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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,159
Do you know why I hate Spice?
2
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:09,079
It's unnatural chemical muck
cooked up by child slaves in China.
3
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,639
That's as good a reason
as any, though...
4
00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:12,479
I haven't finished yet.
5
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:14,719
It's destroying the prisons.
6
00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:16,399
It smells like urine.
7
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:19,119
It's one of the least
carbon-friendly substances
8
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,439
you can get.
9
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,640
And would you take a look
at the state of my streets?
10
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,320
What a mess.
11
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:34,399
Let's buy some of this new Spice,
see who turns up.
12
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:37,159
This is clearly a serious operation,
13
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,079
run by expert criminals.
14
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,879
Cheers!
15
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:42,719
Thought I'd at least
feel something.
16
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,039
It's hard being sober.
17
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,399
Is it even cold?
18
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:46,999
Ahhhhh!
19
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,239
Yes, yes. Ahhh!
20
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:50,519
Not working.
21
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:54,359
So essentially we're just having
22
00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:58,719
a bath together.
23
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:02,319
Congratulations, gang.
24
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,239
Organised Crime Group.
25
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:05,439
OK.
26
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:12,159
We shifted the last of the cocaine.
27
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,039
We did it!
28
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,400
Yay, drug dealing!
29
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:23,359
Does anyone remember
those little foot fishies they had
30
00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:24,839
up in the shopping centre?
31
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:25,879
Yes.
32
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:31,279
Didn't it get shut down
because people kept...
33
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:32,639
Stealing the fishes?
34
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,959
No, getting STIs.
35
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,759
What? On your feet?
36
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,599
I have a theory that the sudden rise
in fish pedicures
37
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,919
signalled the beginning
of the decline of the West.
38
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:46,439
How much foot could a foot fish suck
if a foot fish could suck feet?
39
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,199
SPLASHING
Yeah, get her, Dwayne!
40
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,639
Get her!
41
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,159
Why's he here?
42
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,359
I thought this spa
were adults only.
43
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:54,519
Go away!
44
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,319
I just said Dwayne was 55 with
a hormone deficiency thingy.
45
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,999
They took one look at you lot,
left it.
46
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,879
I'm doing Leo a favour, man.
47
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:05,319
Uncle Harry says this bumhead's
trying to climb inside me mum.
48
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:07,360
Oi, not those exact words.
49
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:10,919
What's that thingy?
50
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:12,199
That's a stoma.
51
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:16,039
It sucks up the souls
of naughty little boys.
52
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,919
It's how I manage
to stay looking so young.
53
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,640
No, it's a stoma.
54
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:25,319
All this reminds me
of giving birth to him.
55
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,559
Screws put me in the shower.
56
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,559
They didn't know what else to do.
57
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,119
They were all men back then,
you know?
58
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:33,399
The screws?
59
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,440
Yeah, mam had me inside.
60
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:43,639
I didn't see this little bastard
again till he were three, did I?
61
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,119
It's OK, Mum.
62
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,639
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
63
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,719
Ooh, he's a good boy.
64
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,239
They say it's never too late
to have an 'appy childhood.
65
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:52,279
Yeah.
66
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,719
Um, where's Minibus Masir?
67
00:02:54,720 --> 00:03:00,279
Oh, um, he's doing an errand for me.
68
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,400
HE HUMS TUNELESSLY
69
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,999
Selling spice for Emily
behind Ewen's back.
70
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,159
Don't tell Ewen.
71
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:12,279
He's doing an errand for you?
72
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:18,080
Yeah, he's picking up
my cerebral palsy pills.
73
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:21,439
So it's nothing dodgy?
74
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:28,719
No, they stop me
from slowing down even more.
75
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,639
See?
76
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:36,999
It's happening right nooow
77
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:44,559
because I have ruuuun ouuut
78
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:52,560
ooooooooooooooooooof...
79
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,639
...them.
80
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,400
Do you know him? Nah.
81
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:05,279
No show. Waste of my time.
82
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:06,840
I missed the bloody spa for this.
83
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,919
Been meaning to talk to ya.
84
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:17,880
It's not about investing
in dog shoes again, is it?
85
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:23,879
What the fuck are you wearing?
86
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,439
I ain't ever been to a spa before.
87
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,639
What-what are you meant to wear?
88
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:30,639
Swimwear?
89
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,199
But I can't swim.
90
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:38,000
Well, at least show a bit of flesh.
91
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,599
Happy now?
92
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:45,879
Pervert.
93
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,039
Yes. Yeah?
94
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,640
Very. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
95
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,599
Hiding all this money.
96
00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,119
Dodgy gummy bears.
97
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,200
What on earth is she up to, love?
98
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,600
I know, love,
but it's either this...
99
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,280
...or actually having to talk to her.
100
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:15,359
Dawkins don't do conversation...
101
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:16,600
...or feelings.
102
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:19,600
We're not from London.
103
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:23,359
Wee C U?
104
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,360
๏ฟฝ5,000?
105
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,839
Again. Again.
106
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,040
Oh, my God!
107
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,400
Nowt like your second breakfast bap
of a morning, is there?
108
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:39,840
Gov, your torch.
109
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,079
Do you recognise him?
110
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,719
That's Masir Mason.
111
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,040
He used to hang around with...
112
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,799
...Ewen bloody Sheridan.
113
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,239
Shit!
114
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,200
Oh, my God, he's not back, is he?
115
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,960
I see you, Wee C U.
116
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,439
I swear I know this fella.
117
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:12,880
I was baking flapjacks. Big cake.
118
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:16,040
He's the flapjack man.
119
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,759
Wait, isn't he...?
120
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:20,959
Here we go.
121
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,279
October '97.
122
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:26,839
That's right, it was him -
Emily's little school friend.
123
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,480
Little Ewen Sheridan.
124
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,479
Ewen Sheridan.
125
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,600
That boy made our lives hell
back in the day.
126
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,719
Oh, my God!
127
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:46,119
And it was him who got into
all that trouble for the fire.
128
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,319
Ewen Sheridan burnt down a school.
129
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,519
Christ, were there kids inside?
130
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:51,639
Dunno.
131
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:55,559
Worse, he set fire to
our favourite pub and the Maccies.
132
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,559
I had to drive to bloody Beverley
for me McNuggets.
133
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,520
PHONE RINGS
134
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:03,360
It's me kid. I'd better...
135
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:10,400
SHRILL RECORDER PLAYS OVER PHONE
136
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:18,399
And that, Daddy,
was Ludwig Van Beethoven.
137
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,759
For some reason, Mummy says
she'll be facing 20 years in prison
138
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:25,079
unless you pick me up and take me
to your gong thing later.
139
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,240
Gong thing?
140
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,599
Oh, music therapy.
141
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,759
RECORDER RESUMES
142
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,159
So is now a good time
to give ya a little pressie?
143
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,319
That's a gun!
144
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:37,639
Is it?
145
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:39,759
Is that a gun?
146
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:40,799
It's a gift.
147
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,879
Don't need it any more, do I?
148
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,559
Oh, brilliant.
149
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:49,559
How many mouths has that been in?
150
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:50,919
I still want out.
151
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:56,079
You're getting out cos of one date
152
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,279
with a random girl?
153
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:00,320
I like her.
154
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:02,680
She cool and shit.
155
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,999
And if I'm with her,
156
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,839
I've gotta be a daddy for Dwayne.
157
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,879
So, anyways,
let's just do chazza now,
158
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:15,239
but for realsies, right?
159
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,799
I could be Head of Stickers.
160
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:22,159
I made Sean Head of Stickers.
161
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,279
Whatever.
162
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,479
Gun, Emily.
163
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:29,519
I can't be trusted with a gun.
164
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:35,439
I can barely be trusted
with my own hands.
165
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:38,999
Well, if you don't want the gun,
I'm leaving it over here, yeah?
166
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:43,119
Oh, well, I'll take it,
167
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:47,160
as long as I can call her...
168
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,199
...Daphne.
169
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,479
Why?
170
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:56,760
Less scary and violent.
171
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,160
DOOR OPENS
172
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,559
You lovely ladies ready
for your couples massage?
173
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:10,880
Where shall we put our gowns?
174
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,559
Sorry?
175
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,559
Our gowns.
176
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,239
Where shall we put them?
177
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,559
Um, yes, darlings,
178
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:27,239
If you just lie down
on your fronts.
179
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,159
Your fronts.
180
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,919
Yes, fronts.
181
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:37,160
Did you know that
I'm a local drug lord?
182
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:41,159
Relax.
183
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,319
The average IQ for
a level six masseuse is 93.
184
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,480
But unfortunately,
she can still understand me.
185
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,999
Let's talk about...
186
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,839
...drugs!
187
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,080
But...
188
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:06,279
...can you call them coffee
or something?
189
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,799
Is Ewen Sheridan aware that,
for the past three weeks,
190
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,599
we've been selling fairtrade tea
191
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,479
in addition to the final grounds
of his fairtrade coffee?
192
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,639
Does he need to know
193
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:22,039
that we're selling Spice as well
194
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:26,079
if we're going to
195
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:30,039
goooo legiiiiit?
196
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:33,439
99.3% of our income
comes from hot beverages.
197
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,559
Only 0.7 from donations.
198
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:36,879
It's unsustainable.
199
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,439
But what do you value more,
200
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,319
fairtrade tea
or your friendship with Ewen?
201
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:45,160
Um...
Now, if you'd like to tuuurn oh-ver.
202
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,959
I do have to ask.
203
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,279
Are her muscles, like, normal?
204
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,559
Well, not normal,
I know they're not normal,
205
00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,400
but are they in the same places
as on normal people?
206
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,439
She doesn't have any.
207
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,560
Her mother was impregnated
by a blobfish.
208
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:07,680
Oh, no.
209
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,360
Bless her.
210
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:18,839
Fuck this,
let's carry on selling Spice.
211
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,639
What does it matter
212
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:27,919
if we help a few non-disabled pricks
213
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:32,240
feed their addiction?
214
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,079
I'll convince Ewen.
215
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,199
I just need to get
216
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,639
Paaaaaaaat
217
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,399
on side.
218
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:45,479
ALARM RINGS
219
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:51,799
Oh, what a relaxing day.
220
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,999
It's an alaaaaarm.
221
00:11:55,000 --> 00:12:01,759
It means something baaaaad
is hap... pen-ing.
222
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:06,879
I am going to punch you
223
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:11,479
in your face!
224
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,520
What an awful thing to say.
225
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:20,520
ALARM RINGS
226
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:25,599
How were I supposed
to know you can't smoke?
227
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,120
Here's a clue - it's not 2006.
228
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,639
Do you know how much money
I spend in here?
229
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,800
I'm afraid we can't bend the rules
for any child, sir.
230
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,359
There's a little boy right there.
231
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,439
That is very offensive.
232
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,679
That is a man.
233
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,719
He has a hormone deficiency.
234
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:48,759
What are you doing?
235
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:52,359
Mummy said you'd be so stressy
you'd need to be stroked.
236
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,679
So I'm stroking ya, like a cat.
237
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:59,559
She probably said I'll be so
stressed that I'll have a stroke.
238
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,920
Well, now you've had three strokes.
239
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,719
Thank you for coming over.
240
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:16,319
I need to talk to you about Ewen.
241
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,119
Oh, what's scrotum done now?
242
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,199
Cuckooing.
243
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,279
Oh, you're home?
244
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,999
Shall we...?
245
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,080
Cuckooing.
246
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,959
That's a term I was reading about
earlier online.
247
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,280
Is that a porn thing?
248
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,199
It's when criminals use threats
and violence
249
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:45,879
to coerce a vulnerable person
into using their home
250
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:48,440
as a base for drug dealing.
251
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,280
I know all about drugs.
252
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:57,160
Me and your mum went to
the Hacienda... once.
253
00:13:58,680 --> 00:13:59,880
Accidentally.
254
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,239
Thought it was a Mexican restaurant.
255
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,399
You forgot her anniversary.
256
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,079
No, I, um...
257
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,119
Stop!
258
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:13,160
Please just... just stop.
259
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,719
I'm sorry about what happened
to your boy.
260
00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:21,559
What happened to me boy?
261
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,599
When this one started that fire
at the school,
262
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:25,959
she blamed it all on him.
263
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,719
I wanted to talk to you
about it then,
264
00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:31,239
but I was fraught with grief.
265
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,280
But what he's done...
266
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:35,440
...what he's doing...
267
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,120
...how he's involving my Emily...
268
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,600
...that's not right.
269
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:45,840
You grass.
270
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,919
You bastard grass.
271
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,079
No. I...
272
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,199
That's why they took him off me.
That's why they sent him away.
273
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,959
Because of your lie!
274
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:59,559
You shat all over his young life!
275
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:01,439
Bit rich.
276
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:07,759
You referred to him as "scrotum"
277
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:12,119
literally moments ago.
278
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,479
You were his best pal.
279
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,120
His only pal.
280
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,080
We're done!
281
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,200
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
282
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,600
I don't want those people...
283
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,160
...their drugs...
284
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:38,240
...or any money you haven't
honestly earned, in this house...
285
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,120
...OK?
286
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:50,519
Is now a bad time to ask you
287
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:54,960
what the Hacienda was like?
288
00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:58,680
Awful.
289
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:01,760
No guacamole.
290
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,679
And the rump goes to...
291
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,119
...Guzzling John.
292
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,760
Oh, Christ.
293
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,359
Horrid little pubs like this
always remind me of Daddy.
294
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:45,639
I always imagined your dad
295
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:49,279
in a pinstripe suit
296
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,879
working for a hedge fund.
297
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,359
No, he's self-made.
Property, mostly,
298
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,079
but part of his business was hiring
out those awful fruit machines.
299
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:00,759
One-armed bandits, he calls them.
300
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:01,999
Highly offensive.
301
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,959
So you don't get on?
302
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,599
We haven't always had
the best relationship,
303
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:09,199
but we're pretty close now.
304
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:13,919
And the pork belly is, abracadabra,
for Gandalf.
305
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,679
Mm. Congrats, mate.
306
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,759
Can I just say something?
307
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:22,559
It is so lovely not to be in
yet another inter-able relationship,
308
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,639
to be with someone who just gets
what I've been through, you know?
309
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,519
Relationship?
310
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:31,959
That feels... quick.
311
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,399
Isn't that what lesbians do?
312
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,559
No, I was wondering
if you wanted to meet him?
313
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:39,600
Daddy.
314
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:45,600
Did you just call me "Daddy?"
315
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,639
No.
316
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,799
Ah. I was wondering if you wanted
to meet my father.
317
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,159
Oh! Oh.
318
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,759
You two are the cutest couple
I've ever seen
319
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,999
since I spotted Jedward
in the Merrion Centre.
320
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,559
Who are they?
321
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:03,639
Can we help you?
322
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,479
They're your employees.
323
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:07,799
Eh, up, I'm Harry.
324
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,679
We've met 24 times before.
325
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,199
I'm Minibus Masir.
326
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,119
We've also met a number of times.
327
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,039
Budge up... boss?
328
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:16,359
Bosses?
329
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:17,639
Bossesses?
330
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,519
Screw this, do you just wanna
come back to mine?
331
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:25,360
Yeah, do we need a condom?
332
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:27,800
No.
333
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,799
Sean?
334
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,839
Hello, Sean.
335
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:33,920
Oh, God...
336
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,039
...sobriety just gets worse and worse.
337
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:41,079
Oh, thank you,
I couldn't breathe in there.
338
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,959
Now you must help get me home.
339
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,919
What's that, Gunny?
Get me home, Sean.
340
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,319
You want me to put you
in Harry's jacket?
341
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:50,800
Yes, help me get home, dear boy.
342
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:53,800
Bye-bye.
343
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,000
Am I having a psychosis?
344
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:00,519
Nah.
345
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,519
Mega pack of bacon,
346
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,239
Little Patricia.
347
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,960
GONG CRASHES
Ohmmm.
348
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,079
Ohmmm.
349
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:12,960
Look at those fucking twats.
350
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,399
That's it, Dwayne. That's it.
351
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,279
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
go on, go on, go on, go on.
352
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,799
SMASHES GONG LOUDLY
353
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,919
Oi! Good, good, good.
354
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,239
What, ya nonce?
355
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:29,359
Yeah, ya paedo.
356
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:32,439
Stop staring at our young flesh,
will ya?
357
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:33,959
Yeah? Ya paedo!
358
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,319
Right, c'mon, man. Let's go t'pub.
359
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:42,279
Go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go.
360
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:45,519
You go and get changed now,
my little darling,
361
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,599
and then we'll pop down
Bare Grillz, all right?
362
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,920
Yay, we never get takeout!
363
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,599
It's time to deal with Sheridan.
364
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:56,639
What?
365
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,759
No, Ewen Sheridan.
366
00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:02,439
Why would I
want to murder Sheridan Smith?
367
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:05,120
Ooh, lovely Mega bacon.
368
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,160
Mine!
369
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:19,400
Ta.
370
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,320
Ciggy, son? Nah, ta, mam.
371
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,879
Er, Mam.
372
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:32,480
I wanted to ask ya... um...
373
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,400
Well, cough it up or fuck off.
374
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,640
Would I be a good dad,
d'you reckon?
375
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,319
Course ya would, son.
376
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:49,079
Sadly, yer personality
is best prophylactic in county,
377
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:55,039
so I doubt you'll ever have ta
worry about bairns, ya daft bugger.
378
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,080
Thanks, Mam.
379
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:00,960
I need to talk to you.
380
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,119
Fuck it up or cough off.
381
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,880
Wait, that's not right.
382
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,800
You know what?
What is it, Mum? Forget it.
383
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:33,279
So, apparently, he had the best day
ever with Uncle Bum Face.
384
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,119
Could've been talking about Harry.
385
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:37,479
And you've got him doing homework.
386
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,160
I've never seen anything like it.
387
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,759
He reminds me of me
when I were little.
388
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,839
Without the tag, mind.
389
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,200
You were tagged when you were eight?
390
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:50,600
Too big for me ankle so they had to
put it round me waist.
391
00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:00,000
Do you want anything else?
392
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:05,999
Oi!
393
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,040
Bedtime.
394
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:16,880
Ewen...
395
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:19,599
...is this a gun?
396
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,159
Daphne, what're ya like?
397
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,440
Give her here, man.
398
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,440
Sorry, Daphne,
you're going back in me sock.
399
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,640
I'm so happy you're staying over.
400
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:44,919
I want everything to be perfect.
401
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:46,719
Yeah, yeah.
402
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,160
Just wait right there.
403
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,599
Night then, girlfriend.
404
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:06,879
Sleep well.
405
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:11,519
Oh? OK. Um... night-night.
406
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,760
PHONE BUZZES
407
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:21,440
Sorry, did I leave my phone
in here?
408
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,640
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
409
00:23:48,690 --> 00:23:53,240
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